Why Do I Feel Like This?
Why do I Feel Like This?
by Elise Hudson
TITLE: Why do I Feel Like This?
AUTHOR: Elise Hudson
EMAIL: elisemarie@cwcom.net
CATEGORY: Sam and Jack, angst
SPOILERS:
SEASON / SEQUEL:
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS:
SUMMARY: Sam's thoughts on a new arrival
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Wrote this one afternoon when I had an attack of the green eyed monster
Why do I feel like this? What impelled me to do what I did? Why did I make a fool of myself? Why have I been so stupid? Why did I let my feelings come into play? Why am I acting so irrationally? Why am I this jealous? I'll tell you why. Her. Major Louise Taylor. It's all her fault. Ever since she arrived here, my life's been on a downward spiral and I think I just hit the bottom.
It started a week ago with the major being posted to the SGC. I met her when the rest of SG-1 and I came back from a mission and we headed to the lab. I know that this may sound stupid, but she was sat at my computer. It really is stupid, but I didn't like it.
Anyway, she immediately got on with the rest of the team, if it had been anyone else it wouldn't have bothered me, but it is and it does. I mean it took me ages to be accepted by the team. I had to continually struggle to earn their respect, to prove I was more than a woman, more than a scientist. And now, three years later, I'm fully accepted and finally feel like 'one of the guys', but along comes a new astrophysicist and she's welcomed with open arms. It's as if she's an old friend who they've known for years and I'm old news.
Daniel's my best friend, my most trusted confidante. Or he *was* anyway. Him being what I said, I turned to him. I just wanted him to reassure me, instead he laughed. Daniel, the most insecure guy ever, laughed at my insecurities!
He told me to stop being silly and that it was childish to be jealous. I denied the accusations openly, but admitted them to myself. Well, I had to when I walked back into the lab. I stood in the doorway for a good ten minutes watching the scene unfold. I couldn't believe it, not only was she, again, sat at my computer, but Colonel O'Neill was with her. From what I heard he had gone to see her to get an explanation on some science issue. I could literally feel my blood boiling. Suddenly I was not good enough to answer his questions.
Then she laughed as he said that he finally understood it. I remember thinking 'Great, not only does he turn to her, but he's actually learning from her!' I felt, and still feel, so useless and it's frustrating. I'm losing my friends and my place on SG-1 all because of one stupid woman. You see feeling betrayed and incredibly jealous I turned and stormed off. The problem was I stormed right into a door.
I regained consciousness in the infirmary, Doctor Fraiser stood over me. I asked where the guys were and then I felt ten times worse. Janet explained that SG-1 had gone on their scheduled mission without me.
I know that SG-1 has been on missions when missing one of us, but that person has never been replaced. Until now. Major Taylor has been placed on SG-1 while I recover from a bang to the head.
Don't think that that was the stupid thing I did, I got worse.
They got back from their mission and the guys came to see me straight away. They didn't stay long though, their new, better astrophysicist turned up. She had come running in exclaiming about the results of some preliminary exams on some artefact. Understandably Daniel ran to see them, but surprisingly so did Colonel O'Neill. He had *never* been one for artefacts. Until now. Until her.
That had been the last straw. Not only had she enthraled my team, she had converted Jack to what he had admitted to hating on our first meeting. I still can't explain the insane jealousy I felt then, but it was that moment that caused me to put the final nail in my coffin, my career's coffin anyway.
I sat on the bed watching him leave and the rage built within so I had screamed at him. I had screamed the first thing that come into my head.
"You'd do anything for her, wouldn't you?" I didn't even pause to let him reply. "You'd even let her take my place on SG-1 and you don't care. I bet you didn't even miss me."
"Carter, are you sure your head's okay?"
"Oh forget it. Just go play happy scientists with Major whatever." And I'd left him there staring at me open-mouthed as he watched me leave. I had only made it a few steps before I heard a "Major Carter, get back to the infirmary NOW!"
I had turned to see Jack staring right at me. Biting my tongue at the two word obscenity I yearned to shout, I had turned and walked off.
And now I wait here in my quarters, the only sanctuary from my replacement, waiting for the General to come and berate me. I wait for him to tell me how he is disappointed in me, for him to ask what's gotten into me, for him to say that Major Taylor would never be this unproffesional. And that'll cause me to snap again, really ending my career.
I still don't know why I feel like this. I guess I'm scared. Scared of losing all that I've worked for. The trust and friendship. The respect and faith. Things that took me so long to achieve in this male dominated world. I don't want it all taken away - my rank, my place on SG-1, my Colonel.
Daniel was right when he had said that I was jealous he just does not know the reasons. I did not at that point, but as soon as I saw him with her at my computer I... I realised it was him in particular I was afraid of losing. Not because he is the best CO I ever had, but because, well because...
My thoughts are interrupted as there is an ominous knocking at the door. Taking a deep breath I move towards the door and as I press down on the handle I prepare myself for the General's face and his reprimand. I'm strong, I can handle this. I repeat it to myself as I open the door.
I can feel my lower jaw drop, but my muscles won't work to close it.
"We need to talk." He says pushing passed me. I would try to object, but a) my face muscles still don't work, and b) he's my Colonel. How can I refuse him?
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Elise Hudson
Heliopolis Main Archive
A Stargate: SG-1 Fanfiction Site
Why Do I Feel Like This?
by Elise HudsonSite Navigation
Support Heliopolis