When Tomorrow Comes
by DustDevil
"Great...this place is pretty damn hot"
We crouch behind a pillar out of the way as two guards storm down the hall and around the corner, and that's the third lot we've seen. We're making very slow progress, if we don't hurry up by the time we get the damn gate open there'll be no-one there to go through. It's only a matter of time before the guards check there for possible escapees, and that electronic lock that Carter whipped up to protect Daniel and the others won't last for long.
"Well at the time releasing the prisoners seemed like a good idea sir..."
"Yeah...but now the place is crawling with guards. Which way?"
"Left"
"What, left as in the direction that all the shouting and screaming and shooting is coming from?" I give her an incredulous look and she just raises one eyebrow.
"Left sir"
"Right, let's see if we can't use that to our advantage and sneak past. We'll stick to the shadows, and zat anyone that that gets in our way, okay?"
"Yes sir"
She nods briskly at me, and readies her zat in her hand before leaning out to take a look into the now thankfully empty corridor. All business, even in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds and danger, that's my Major. Much though I like my Major, I've also been getting kinda fond of Sam too. I just we can get out of here so I can see some more of her.
"Let's go"
We make surprisingly good progress from here on in, and soon we find ourselves at a major crossroads. There has obviously been a lot of fighting here, and there are burnt bodies.
"Sir, looks like there are quite a few guards among the prisoners"
"Yeah, I'm glad so many of the prisoners decided to try and make a run for it"
"Sir? What are we going to do about them?"
She looks up at me with those eyes, and her eyebrows turned down at the outside, and I feel like I would promise her anything to take that sad look away. Believe me Major I have thought about it, I'm not a cold hearted callous bastard you know, well, not all of the time.
"Yeah I know Carter. Look, maybe we can work out some way to come back through, maybe we can block the iris in the gateroom so we can come back with some serious numbers and firepower or something, and we'll free these people okay? I don't want to leave them like this anymore than you do, but if we don't get out, no-one gets out"
I lean forward in one of my lecture modes, and she nods and turns back to the corridor ahead. Way to shout at her Jack. The coast seemingly clear she runs across the intersection and I follow. She checks the map quickly, and seemingly we've only a short distance to go. Good. The quicker we get there and out of the open the better. We pick our way over and past the bodies of guards and prisoners alike, and all of a sudden Carter drops to her knees to my right and I stop to see what's wrong.
"Sir, over here!"
Carter is squatting by a body and feeling for a pulse. Great, please tell me this isn't one of her friends, we don't have time for this. I'm just about to haul her up and away when I step closer and see the person's face. It's Jima, poor old Jima. I drop to Carter's side as she checks him over, but his eyes are staring blankly at the ceiling, and I know her answer before she turns to me and shakes her head. I must admit rather ashamedly that I'd forgotten all about him. I guess I'm spent all my time concentrating on getting ourselves out, that I've forgotten about all the other people that helped us out, however little, in our stay here. Well we'll come back Jima, we'll come back and free everyone, I promise we will.
"Where now Carter?"
"Um...just around the corner sir"
We pick up the pace and trot around the corner, and luckily the fighting seems to have moved on from here. I carefully look down every intersection, and just as I'm checking he last one Carter's excited voice draws me back.
"This is it sir!"
"It better be..." I mutter, and she simply looks at me and delivers a smile meant to reassure me. Oh it does more than that Sam, a lot more. I just wish we had time to talk and I wish that...
"Sir?"
I turn to see her and she's crouching on one side of the door, a zat in one hand and her other hand on the mechanism for opening the door. I take up the other side and nod, and the door slides slowly open. I nip into the opening and Sam follows me, and we find ourselves in a large hexagonal shaped room with a sunken centre and a walkway around the outside. The door is set into one wall and the two flanking it are blank. The other three walls are covered with panels and lights and readouts and monitors and all those kind of things that make Carter shiver in delight. Some of them are flickering and sparking rather unhealthily, and there, in the centre of the sunken floor, all hooked up to wires is the DHD.
"Alright! Nice work Sam"
She smiles then jogs across the room to check it's okay. The door slides shut behind us and I have a wander around the room. I come to what I can only assume is a monitor, but it seems to be off. I look around behind it and sure enough there's an on switch. I flick it on and I see snow for a bit before I get a picture. It's grainy and black and white, and I have I have to squint before I can make out the strange angle of the picture. Wait a minute...I look around and there's a microphone looking thingy by my side...
"Carter..."
"Just a minute sir...there...I think the DHD is fine..."
"Yeah well come up here and see what I found"
She comes up behind me, and I can't help but smile softly as her nose scrunches up as she tilts her head to make sense of the picture. I have to quickly dismiss any thoughts of her being adorable. She is not.
...ah forget that...her nose crinkling like that is the most adorable thing I've ever seen...
"It's the gateroom sir!"
"Whu?...oh...yeah, that's what I was gonna say, and we got a microphone here or something..."
"Good, we can let Daniel know we're..."
She starts to pull the microphone towards her but I'm overcome by my mischievous streak and I grab it from her hands and lean in. She puts her hands on her hips to glare at me, and I feel a little rush of satisfaction that she knows me so well. I hold the microphone close and watch the screen, waiting for the perfect moment and...
"Daniel!!! I hope you're not nappin' down there!" I yell.
I watch with satisfaction as he leaps up and Reebin's neck almost snaps when he wheels around, both trying to find where my voice came from. Sam shakes her head and pushes me away from the microphone and cups it in her hands.
"Daniel, it's us, we've found the DHD and there's video surveillance, we can hear and see you"
<
I snatch the microphone back and hold onto Sam with my other hand.
"Yeah yeah Daniel, look, the DHD seems fine so we're about to open the gate. Everything okay?"
<
I glance at Sam, and she gulps.
"Okay Daniel, get ready, we're gonna open the gate now"
He nods, still looking about for the camera and I give Sam a little push. She tucks her zat away and drops down to where the DHD is. Suddenly one of the wall panels or whatever it is sparks and whines, and she has to sidestep out of the way. She keeps moving and soon she's by the DHD and the large control panel thingy mounted in front of it.
"Everything okay?"
"Yes sir, the iris is open, and the power lines are fine, the damage the gateroom received hasn't done too much damage so far"
"Okay, dial it up Carter!"
I watch on tenterhooks as she carefully punches in earth's address, but a quick look tells me that the chevrons are lighting up. The address done Carter presses the centre button, then comes back to my side. We watch raptly as the last chevron lights and the wormhole opens with a splash and settles back into the gateway. Yes! Yes yes yes! I grin at Sam and she's grinning back, and I grab her hand and squeeze it tightly, pulling her against my side. Well Daniel can't interrupt me wanting to be close to her this time cause he's going home! Home...we're gonna get home...Daniel moves in front of the gate and uses the radio, then we watch as he goes to help Reebin heft Alith into his arms. They move slowly towards the gate, then a shower of sparks from over head covers them, and they duck.
"Sam?"
"Daniel, go quickly! I think Rosay did more damage that I thought...hurry!"
They manage to steady themselves on the ramp then, Daniel pauses to look up for us. Sam tightens her grip on my hand, and I take the microphone from her fingers.
"Daniel go! We'll join you just as soon as we can, now move!"
He takes one last look, then they scurry up the ramp, and are engulfed by the wormhole. Then they are gone. The wormhole snaps shut with a satisfied whoosh.
They're home.
"Incoming traveller!"
"We have no teams off-world, is there a code?"
"Not yet sir"
I have a funny feeling. Teal'c jogs up the stairs and joins us in the control room, and his being there simply serves to make me even more jittery, and jittery is not something you're supposed to be when you're a General. It's been weeks since Teal'c stopped rushing to the gateroom every time an unauthorised activation was announced, but this time is different, this time there are no teams off-world, SG-5 got back last night. Well, take that former statement back, there is one team off-world...
"No code yet sir..." Simmons updates us, and I can tell he's thinking about the same possibility that the rest of us are.
Teal'c looks at me, and I stare back into his impassive face, trying not to show him my hope. It's been so long, and yet I know that I will never give up on the rest of SG-1, never. For some reason, even thought I know they can die just as easily as the rest of us, their previous reputation forces me to consider the possibility that once again they have succeeded against all odds. The seconds pass tremendously slowly, and I'm just about to admit it isn't them and turn away, when Simmons jerks upright in his seat.
"We have a code sir, it's...it's...sir it's a code I've never seen before but the computer is recognising it!"
"let me see!" I lean over Simmons shoulder, and the code title 'last ditch effort', one of the Colonel's devising, scrolls across the screen. I almost can't get the words out in time as I lean forward and jab desperately at the screen.
"Open the iris!"
"Sir, I don't recognise this code..."
"Open the iris son, it's SG1!" I grab the microphone and call for some ordnance in the gateroom, and the iris almost lazily spins open as the armed welcoming team file into the gateroom. Teal'c takes one look at me and the two of us bolt for the stairs just as fast as we can. We stand cautiously behind some of my troops and a strange hush falls over the whole of the 28thfloor as we wait. We all know what this could mean. Either Jaffa spill through the gate, or my best team could come home. Deep breaths are taken as the event horizon gurgles, then spits out a tumbling figure dressed in what appears to be fatigues. Two more figures follow, and then the gate snaps shut. Well the numbers are right. Troops bring guns to bear but I order them to stand down as the first figure rises and pushes his glasses up his nose as he looks around.
"Doctor Jackson!"
"Daniel Jackson" Teal'c and I yell in unison as we charge up the gate to meet a very weary and unshaved looking Jackson, who pauses to reassure the two others that everything is okay. I look at the others only long enough to see that neither is Colonel O'Neill or Major Carter, then finally I cover the distance to the ramp and place a trembling hand on Jackson's shoulder as Teal'c does the same.
"Hi guys...uh General...uh...I guess I'm home"
Teal'c suddenly enfolds Jackson in a fierce hug, and I can't help but pat the two of them on the back as a small cheer goes up around the gateroom and in the rooms above. A small cheer mind you, we lost three team members, and as happy as I am to see Doctor Jackson, I would have preferred to see them all.
"Teal'c, hey I'm happy to see you too but if you don't let me go you're going to...ah...thank you"
"Good to have you back son, you look like you have a hell of a story to tell..."
"Oh yeah General...a hell of a story..."
"Well I look forward to hearing it son, but, where are Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter?"
"Were they not with you Daniel Jackson?"
"Uh Teal'c, General Hammond, they're okay, they had to go and operate the DHD, look...that doesn't matter right now. They're going to follow us as soon as they can"
"And who are these people?" I ask, gesturing to the man that's kneeling next to an obviously hurt woman on the ramp.
"Uh, General, this is Reebin and Alith, they helped us escape, but Alith's hurt and we need to..."
"Okay son, okay..."
Doctor Frasier bustles into the gateroom then, and after beaming at Daniel and asking how he is, medical teams take all three of the travellers of to the infirmary. Both Teal'c and I want to follow, but Doctor Frasier asks us if we don't have more important things to do. With that Teal'c and I turn our attention back to the gate, which now lies empty and silent.
They're alive, SG1 are alive, and on their way home. I look at Teal'c, and he actually lifts his mouth in a slight satisfied smile. Wearily and feeling like months of tension are finally escaping my tired body, we climb back up to the observation room and take our seats, and then we do the only thing left for us to do.
We wait for the rest of SG1 to come home.
"They made it"
"Yeah, now let's get this thing set up for us, can you open it now?"
She moves across the room to another unit, leading me with her by the hand, and starts to study some sort of graph and readout thingy.
"Yes sir, I'll set the gate to stay open for longer as we may have to fight our way back and...woah!"
Sam is blown back from the panel as it explodes in a shower of sparks, and I lunge and catch her before she can hit the floor. I help her upright then she struggles from my grasp and cautiously approaches the panel. Half of it is burned black, and the other half flashes intermittently. She flicks a few switches and peers at a few readouts with her nose scrunched up, and then she hauls the monitor around and stares at it, unmoving.
"Carter?"
She taps on a few more keys and then pulls a panel from the wall and looks at the wires. I can tell by the set of her jaw that she's not happy. She's got that look that means some mechanical thing isn't obeying her, and I remember that look all too well from Antarctica.
"Carter?" I ask again and step up by her side, only to leap back as she hauls some wires from their casings and sparks shoot out.
"We have a problem sir"
"Trigger happy Rosay hasn't broken the DHD has she?" Please no, please no...
"No sir the DHD is fine, it's very well protected and insulated, but we have another problem."
Not good, problems are bad, and when Carter calls these technological things a 'problem' then we are in trouble. I lean over her shoulder to see what she's doing, but the little diagrams and readouts mean nothing to me. She glances back at me, then points to the monitor.
"The guards blew out some of the power lines and generators, and now this whole facility is low on power. Some kind of emergency system has kicked in and now all the systems are prioritised"
I lean back over her shoulder and raise my eyebrows. Why does it always take five minutes to get to the point with her? I appreciate the fact that she's trying to let me know exactly what's going on, but the quicker she tells me the very basics, the quicker we can...well...*she* can work out what to do.
"Major..."
She glances over at me, and shakes her head as if to cut through the explanations herself, then points back to the monitor.
"Well, the gate works and the DHD works, but there's now not enough power to the iris, and it's locked shut. And if we can't open the iris..."
"Then we can't go home..."
"Right..."
Damn. If it ain't one thing it's another.
"I take it brute force ain't gonna work?"
"No sir, you saw the iris, I don't think there's any way we could open it by ourselves"
"Well can't you, uh...transfer power from elsewhere or something?"
"That's what I'm trying sir, but the Goa'ulds who built this were much more paranoid than I originally thought. There are no power transfer systems here, they must be somewhere else"
"Somewhere else? Where?"
She stops for a moment to haul the map from her jacket, and she impatiently smoothes it over the worktop and follows coloured lines with an outstretched finger. I lean over for a closer look, but hell it looks like nonsense to me. She follows several different routes from what I know to be the gateroom to several different locations spread far and wide over this compound, and shakes her head. No, no Carter...please don't shake your head...
"Damn...there are about twelve different areas that could operate the power transfer system, but it's impossible to tell from this crude map, and even assuming we got lucky and checked the right one first, they're all halfway across this facility in unfamiliar territory"
Not good. In fact, I assign this whole situation an official 'very bad' rating from now on.
"Well we'd get caught long before we got to the first one, once they get all the other prisoners rounded up they're gonna be after us. Can't we just...I dunno...stop power going to one of the high priority things so the iris gets some?"
"This room is far too well shielded, although a zat blast cut some power, the emergency power is designed to operate under severe conditions, there's no way we can disrupt it here unless..."
She bites her lip and twists her head, eyes screwing up, and I can see she's struggling with a possibility. That's all Carter needs is a possibility, just give her one of those and a few moments to think and we'll have our way out. Suddenly her head snaps round and her tongue touches her lips as she works through the final stages, and impressed though I am by the very evident thought processes lighting up her eyes, I find my own eyes drawn to that tongue, and my thoughts on memories of it in my mouth...oh for crying out loud Jack...
"That's it sir! I think your idea might work! Instead of shutting down the appropriate circuits, all we need to do is destroy one of things that's using the power! This system will then automatically reroute the power, and we can open the iris!"
My idea? Cool! I'll add that to the first small list of things that were my idea. I resist the urge to say 'my work here is done' and instead lean next to her on the worktop and watch as she studies the map, this time tracing different colours of lines.
"Okay, we need something non-essential yet power hungry we can blow up..."
"And a way to blow 'em up. Unless ya got a grenade hidden in that pocket of yours of course"
Her eyes never leave the map, but she smiles a little then bites on her lip again as she considers my words.
"A zat blast won't be powerful enough, we need to find a working staff weapon"
"Shouldn't be a problem considering all the corpses we saw on the way here" She taps on a large room somewhere not too far away, and nods her head as she makes what looks like a decision.
"Here...this should do it sir. Remember that cold storage room I told you about? According to the readouts it's still getting power, and judging by the size of it, it must be drawing a hell of a lot of power, and it's not far. If we can take that off-line somehow, then we should be able to open the iris"
"Sounds good"
She nods and looks up at me, blue eyes alive and sparkling, and I hand her a zat gun, and fold up the map for her. She tucks it away and readies her weapon, and I pause by the door before letting us out and turn to face her.
"Y'know, I've had a hankering to visit that place ever since you told me about it Carter. I mean, you and me in a real cold place, always fun..." She smiles wide and gives a dramatic shiver at our mutual memories of Antarctica, then I open the door and we take a final look at each other, and head out.
Some of the corridors are surprisingly empty, and at first we make good time, then we hear the unmistakable sounds of gunfire from up ahead.
"Y'know Carter, it's beginning to sound like some of the prisoners are getting the upper hand here"
"I know sir, they must have got hold of some zats or staff weapons"
"Well the more guards they take off our hands the better. Where now?"
"It's just through here sir"
I hang out around the corner, and when I see the coast is clear I trot across, check up and down, and then motion the Colonel to follow me. He jogs after me, and we duck into a shadowy corner briefly as a lone unarmed guard runs full tilt past us and away. Half his armour was hanging off, and I don't think he would have stopped to challenge us even if he had seen us. It seems that the tide is starting to turn, and least in some areas. Still at least with all the dead guards we managed to find an unclaimed staff weapon to add to our arsenal. We move into the small archway, and the Colonel nods at me. We creep up to the door, and I carefully push the button as we ready ourselves for anything. The doors swing inwards silently, and I take a deep breath of cold, piercing air and we enter, the door shutting softly behind us.
"Wow" The Colonel says as he stands upright and has a good look around.
"Yeah, that's what I said"
Once again I find myself in that large vault, the walls and floors run with tubes and pipes and spilt coolant. The Colonel jumps sideways when an outlet by him suddenly releases a spew of gas, then he steps onto one of the walkways around the room, his visible breath rising slowly in the frigid air.
"So...this is where you saw something? Something in one of these containers here?"
I follow him around the room, and we take the same route that I did before. We step carefully over throbbing pipes and pools of dark liquid, and even though large pumps are working, processing liquid and other things, the high vaulted ceiling and the cold gives the place a strange air of silence.
"Well, this is creepy" The Colonel says as he almost slips on a patch of ice and catches himself on a refrigeration unit. The extreme cold of the unit burns his hand and he quickly swipes it away.
"I do so love sharing these fun places with you Carter"
"Well at least we're not in the cells anymore sir"
"I guess, but there are one or two things I miss" He says with merely a slight glance at me before he starts walking again. What the hell did that mean?
We continue around the room, and a combination of the cold and the silence for some reason makes us reluctant to speak. We stalk quietly as we walk, and as he curiously prods at pipes and hatches with a booted toe, I search for some sort of control panel we can use to shut this place down. I'd rather do this neatly and not have to resort to blowing this place sky high, but if I can't transfer the power then it'll be our only choice. The sound of staff weapon blasts and the occasional scream can still be heard from outside, but the sounds travels weakly on the cold air, and it all seems so very far away. The Colonel stops to examine something on the floor that's no doubt shiny, and as I look back to the path an continue on my way I see scuffs in the frost on the floor and I realise I've been at this exact spot before. I wonder if...
I quickly move along the line of refrigeration units and find one that has been touched. A new layer of frost has formed over the hand marks, but where it was touched before the frost layer is thinner, and the distinct mark of a palm and fingers can still be seen. I stand on my toes and peer behind the unit, and there, wedged down between it and the next one is just what I'm looking for. I squeeze my way in between and turn to look for the Colonel, only to be deafened by the sound of the whole room lurching to life. This room obviously operates on some sort of cycle, and all of a sudden turbines and motors start to work, and the hall is filled with a deafening blaring so I have to shout to get his attention.
"Sir!" I call, and he jogs over to the unit and tries to look over the top of it to what I'm looking at. I'm half jammed down between this unit and the next, trying to keep my jacket between me and the cold, and when I finally wiggle free and look up at him he's already reaching out for me and looking concerned.
"Sam?" He asks, yelling slightly over the noise, and then his expression changes to confusion as I grin widely at him. I pull myself out of the gap and with a flourish I flick my hand out and present him with something. A small smile yanks up one corner of his mouth and he reaches out and takes the item from my hand. He holds onto my cold fingers with one hand, and shakes out his long lost cap with the other, cracking the frozen peak.
"Carter, you just made my day!" he yells and I can't help but smile.
He smoothes his ragged hair back and pulls the cap on in one fluid move, then straightens the peak. Hair sticks out from the sides and back, and as he grins his week old stubble gives him a rakish look. That man looks good in any situation. He looks to one side then, at the containers, and his face takes on a serious cast as he walks over to it. He looks it up and down then moves back to me so he can talk in my ear and not have to yell.
"So these are the containers you were telling me about?"
"Yes, there's something in them, something alive, or something that used to be, but I'm not sure what"
"Big enough for a man"
"That's what I'm thinking sir, but who are they keeping in here, some of the prisoners?"
"No, in here we keep our people" Comes a low voice, and we both spin to find a small troop of guards standing there, weapons pointed at us from behind their leader, Rosay. Not good. The Colonel tenses beside me and takes a tighter grip on his staff weapon, but Rosay and her guards already have us covered with their own staff weapons and zat guns. She flicks a hand out at one of the guards, and they trot over to a large machine at the end of the hall and pull a large lever, which stops the large turbines, restoring silence to the room once more. They certainly picked the best time to sneak up on us, when we couldn't hear them, and there are plenty of hiding places in here. Well at least it seems she wants to talk and not just blow us to bits, at least that's a start. But her people?
"What do you mean that's your people?" the Colonel asks from beside me, and again I'm surprised at how alike we think. His position is hostile, and his zat is gripped in his other hand though pointing at the floor.
Rosay lowers her own weapons, obviously satisfied that her goons will keep watch, and swaggers forward. She's changed her clothes, and is now wearing long pale robes that show functional pants through the slits in the long, flowing material. Her hair is drawn back and her face carefully made up, but some new livid scars from the explosion in the gateroom show on her cheekbones and forehead.
"These are our people. When we defeated the Goa'uld we tried to control them, use them to add to their complete and utter humiliation by making them our slaves"
"Well, I don't mean to throw a damper on your little party here Rosay, but it looks like it didn't quite work"
Her face tightens for a moment, then she moves to the closest unit, the one I was looking in before, and runs her gloved hands over cold metal, her fingers tracing a lazy pattern across the frosted glass.
"There were many Goa'uld, and we thought if we could simply find the right chemicals then we could somehow control them, weaken them so we could carry them as slaves and servants, and be in control"
"Okay, even I could have told you that was a bad idea..."
"No! We had to show them, had to make them see how it felt!"
"But, it didn't work..." I interject, before the Colonel provokes her too much.
"No Sam, it did not. Most of the hosts we provided became taken over by the Goa'uld, and we had to kill those we could not control, and freeze the others. We thought that with time we could learn to control them, formulate those chemicals"
"So...these are your people? And they all have Goa'uld symbiotes?"
I take a quick glance around the room, and the thought of all these Goa'uld getting free and running wild across the galaxy does not appeal to me. It doesn't appeal to the Colonel either judging by the way his face has screwed up and he's doing a quick estimate of the number of containers here. Well I did that too, and there are several hundred. Not a huge threat in itself but if there is a queen here, then there's no telling how far and how fast this could move.
"We felt we were very close with some of our treatments, but we needed more subjects, more samples!"
She is preaching now, doing the old villain trying to explain themselves routine, and the Colonel suddenly steps forward, pushing me out of the way slightly and gestures across the room with his arm.
"So all your people have been frozen for how long? Not much of a way to treat your buddies now is it?" I cut across the Colonel's smug statement to ask a question that's been burning in my mind ever since Daniel told us he'd seen very few people.
"Uh Rosay...how many of your people *aren't* frozen?"
She stiffens at that and whirls away, her hands clenching by her side. The Colonel looks at me, and we both come to the same conclusion at the same time, a conclusion she obviously didn't want us to reach.
"We had nothing else to work with! The Goa'uld told us that they came here as we were the perfect hosts, supreme specimens, and that we were the only people in this area of the galaxy suitable! They came here especially for us!"
The Goau'ld told them that? I glance at the Colonel, and his confused face matches mine. He opens his mouth to tell her out theory about why the Goa'uld came here, but she isn't finished.
"But now we have found you, you will tell us how to get to your planet, and we will use the valued Tau'ri as hosts!"
"Uh...they told you about us?"
"Yes. They told us off the Tau'ri, and how they were strong hosts, and often difficult to overwhelm, and we wish to use your people to control the Goa'uld we hold captive. They told us of the weapons they carried. When I and my guards found you on that other world we knew it was you, and we knew to take you so we could find your home planet. We tried to remove the symbiote of your Jaffa but in the end we replaced it and left him at the gate"
Teal'c? They removed his symbiote? But he may be okay, oh thank God he might be okay, and safe back at the base, because they would have come to the planet looking for us. The Colonel glances at me, and I see his thoughts about Teal'c flashing across his eyes as he assimilates that information and the possibilities. He screws up his eyes then, and takes a slow step towards Rosay, cocking his head to one side.
"Rosay...yeah, we are the Tau'ri, but I think there's something you should know. You, and your people, are most likely Tau'ri too, or at least cousins or something..."
"Lies"
"It's true Rosay" I start, holding a hand out towards her, urging her to listen. "They were lying to you. In all likelihood they crash landed here, probably escaping from some more powerful Goa'uld, and they simply made the best use of the conditions they found here..."
"No..."
"Look Rosay, ya gotta face facts, they came here, enslaved your people just because you were here, and they could. You are the Tau'ri, we are the Tau'ri, we wouldn't do any better in those tanks with those snakes than you would. They used you Rosay, what on earth do you think they wouldn't lie to you as well?"
Rosay slowly extends her zat gun, and her entire arm shakes as it slowly draws level with the Colonel's chest.
"No..." She says again, but this time her voice is weak, and tremulous, and slow tears starts to track down her face, as she starts to doubt her entire way of life, and purpose for living. Things will go one of two ways now, but we have to try and show her there's another option.
"Rosay, we can help your people. We know people who might be able to remove the Goa'uld, and maybe provide some help for your people and..."
"Help? Help? What makes you think we either need or want your help? WE require only one thing from the Tau'ri, and that is hosts. No more talk, you will give me the address of your planet, now"
I see the Colonel tense beside me, and I tighten my hand on my zat.
"I don't think so" he says with a firm low voice, and then the room erupts with blue fire as zats discharge. I leap sideways behind a large vat, and a quick glance at the Colonel shows he's done the same. I lean out to fire and already two guards lie dead next to Rosay who's now started screaming, standing firm, feet apart as she fires her zat. She's mad, she must be. She doesn't even seem to be aiming, she's just firing blindly, sparks leaping off the vat in front of the Colonel as she does so. A staff blast hits a little too close to me so I roll to one side and take down a guard with a quick double blast and he falls onto the slippery floor and his fellow trips on him, giving me a few seconds to get better cover. Rosay keeps coming, and though I have a bead on her I find myself reluctant to shoot. Come on Sam, at least stun her. Suddenly another guard starts to charge at my position, and I have to duck down as he surrounds me with staff blasts, gaining ground fast. The Colonel flings himself out from his hiding position and moves forward, and I lose sight of him as my guard is suddenly all over me. He pushes the barrel to my side over and wades in, staff weapon raised to club me. Looks like Rosay really does want us alive. The guards swing goes wide and I zat him twice, moving aside as his lifeless body falls. I push him aside and look out to find the Colonel struggling with Rosay, trying to unarm her. The fallen guard from before is now on his feet and aiming his staff weapon at the Colonel, waiting for a clean shot.
"Colonel!" I shout, and hearing me he yanks Rosay to the side just as the guard fires. The blast hits the refrigeration unit behind them, and the energy crackles along it and into the tanks nearby, and seals crack open, spewing forth liquid as the entire unit starts to whine unhealthily. I take down the guard with two swift shots, and try and draw a bead on Rosay.
I start forward, panting, and looking for an opening to help the Colonel, when I realise the unit's whining in slowly increasing in pitch, and parts of it have started to tremble, making the whole floor vibrate. I know that sound, that sound means an explosion is on the cards.
"Sir!" I yell, but he's too busy to notice me. Rosay leans backward and yanks on the Colonel's arm and off balance they go down. This is not good. Suddenly the whining reaches a loud hum, piercing the air, and I know it can only be a matter of seconds.
"Sir!" I yell again, but he's busy fighting Rosay. He manages to knock her zat out of her hand, but she's obviously strong and well trained, and is managing to hold her own.
Suddenly the screaming unit seems to crumple at one end, then all of a sudden coolant and gas starts to jet outwards, and the whole capsule flexes upwards, and snaps fiercely in the middle as it jumps several feet into the air, dragging several other units with it and erupting gases and freezing liquids everywhere. Reaching it's maximum height the arcing machinery slows and falls back to the ground, electrical wires whipping free, and debris falling. I scramble backwards and pull myself with my hands as my feet slip and slide on the floor. I scream the Colonel's name as I watch metal and liquid falling towards him and Rosay as they twist and writhe together on the floor, but my vocalisation comes out slow and frigid, forming clouds on the air as he looks up and struggles to get free. Just in time they both roll to the side, slumping down, and I screw up my face and suck in a breath as I watch them tumble off the low platform onto the floor, the back of both skulls cracking off the slick, black floor. I twist my shoulder and throw up my arms to protect myself from jetting liquid, and with an earth shattering crash the units and the attached drums and storage containers come into final contact with the ground and shatter, large lumps of twisted metal screeching across the floor to rest by my feet. Choking, I waft smoke and water vapour from in front of my face and claw myself upright with the aid of a yellow and black striped barrel.
"Colonel?" I ask, and hearing no reply I carefully move towards him, and passing through a large cloud of foul tasting gas I finally see them.
Rosay and the Colonel are lying side by side, with pools of coolant slowly turning to ice collecting around them. Rosay is lying face down and she rocks slowly, obviously stunned, but the Colonel is lying half on his side and half on his back, obviously unconscious. I carefully step over broken glass to get to them, and that's when I hear it. A halting, quiet sound, a squeaking. I turn to face the shell of a unit left beside them, and I see a quick furtive movement there, from the corner of my eye. Oh my God...oh my God no...I fumble for my zat gun but my fingers are chilled to the bone, and as I manage to free it from my belt I watch in horror as a glistening and mature Goa'uld snake propels itself out from under a precipice of metal, and straight towards the Colonel and Rosay. A scream forms in my throat as I move forward, and I bring my zat gun to the fore just as the symbiote reaches the Colonel's boot, and using his body as cover it propels itself upward, tiny eyes glowing and calling piteously. Time slows horribly and I can only watch in horror as it draws level with his head, and disappears, and his body shudders, a tremor coursing down his limbs, making them flop against the ground.
I'm too late.
Oh my God I'm too late...
I...I...I am free!
I do not know what happened, one minute I was aware of people close by, like before, and then my world was thrown upside down. All my senses and my equilibrium were shot to hell, and I felt the very last vestiges of my host slipping away. I began to panic, and when I finally had control of myself, my instincts took over and I moved quick as lightening, and sensing hosts nearby I gathered the last of my reserves of strength and suddenly I found one, my own poor perception allowing me to find an entry point via a mouth, and I was in. A few tense moments passed as I struggled to take my position, and finally I wound my way around the hosts spine, and made contact with their brain, their thoughts, and their very being. And such thoughts!
I am a very well grown Goa'uld, and though mature and very ready to take a new host, I do not think I have ever come across so strong and resistant a mind. We struggled fiercely for mastery for a few moments, and then I am through, I am in, and slowly I sink through a new mind as we become one. I sift restlessly through a lifetime of fighting and struggle, and horrible things that my host was forced to partake in. I see lost loves, lost family, and through it all a single minded determination to succeed, and survive, and make some kind of a difference. It appears I have chosen very well. This host will be a perfect vessel for me...or perhaps...perhaps even a companion, and confidant. The hosts body comes under my control inch by inch and muscle by muscle, and with sluggish grace I pull myself together and slowly rise to my feet. I take a slow look around the room, and I see it has changed much since I last saw it many, many years ago. I look down and a dishevelled figure lies at my feet, groaning and shifting, and further movement catches my eye. In front of me stands a female, in garb unfamiliar, with a zat'nic'atel pointed at me held in trembling fingers. Have I escaped only to be recaptured? My body goes tense but she seems unsure, and her eyes flick to the figure at my feet. Tears fill her eyes, and it looks as though she has no idea what is happening here. The figure at my feet rolls over and curses, then glances at me only to quickly roll further away, and the female quickly moves and drags the figure out of the way and to her side.
This is not the situation I expected, not at all. My host picks exactly this moment to rebel and fight me, and I have to struggle fiercely for a moment to regain the upper hand. When my eyes focus once more, the two figures are standing opposite me, two zats pointed firmly at my chest, and their other hands clasped tightly, fingers entwined as if they can't let each other go.
~You must...kill them...~
Comes a voice from within me, and though regaining control I allow the voice of my host to filter through to me, her memories washing over me. Rosay...her name is Rosay. And these two are Jack and Sam. Well...they are not from here...they are the Tau'ri, and they fight against my captors. I will not kill them Rosay, I will not do anything you demand. Many fleeting emotions pass over their faces as they watch me, and I know it will only take the slightest wrong movement to bring my death. I must reason with them, I must make them see what I am, what I have become.
I think it's time I introduced myself.
I feel sluggish, and my body is very loathe to obey me. Still with Sam pulling on me and my rubbery legs attempting to support me she manages to drag me upright, and with one arm around her shoulder and the other on one of the broken containers I manage to stay vertical. I watch as horrified as Sam as Rosay turns to face us, her movements silky and fluid, and her mouth opens, her voice clouded and deep as she speaks with a timbre not her own.
"Please, do not be afraid, I will not harm you"
"Yeah right, we've heard that before..." I growl, and Sam shifts her grip on me as I sag a little, still recovering from that bang on the head. Sam is breathing so fast, and her eyes are always on me as if she can't believe I'm there. Me, the last thing I remember is struggling with Rosay, then that unit blew and we both went down, and I woke a few seconds later with one hell of a headache. Still, it's nice to be knocked out again, I'd almost forgotten what it felt like. Then all of a sudden I look up and Rosay is standing stock still and staring at Sam, who's staring her back down with a zat pointed at her. Thinking we had the upper hand I went to open my mouth, then she looked at me, and her eyes glowed. Well I guess Sam was right about something being alive in those tanks, and we just let it out. I take a quick look back at the tank, and a pale and rubbery corpse lies there, dead white eyes staring at the ceiling. Looks like the ex-host.
"Actually sir, normally they tell us straight away just how much they're gonna hurt us"
She has a point.
"Well...you can't possibly expect us to believe you" I counter, tilting my head.
"You are not from here, but you know of the Goa'uld. Well no matter, for releasing me from my eternal prison I am grateful and I am in your debt"
"look, we don't want any favours, all we want is to go home"
"And we want you to leave Rosay" Sam adds, ignoring my look.
It thinks for a moment, pursing it's lips, and I can't help but feel there's something different about this Goa'uld. I don't know what it is but it's there. I think Sam feels the same way judging by the way she's constantly switching between looking curious and making sure her zat is pointed at it's chest.
"I'm afraid that is not possible" It replies, obviously having come to a decision.
"Look buddy..."
"My name is Meshkent"
"Whatever...look...either you get out of that host or we take you out"
"I do not believe you could remove me Jack, and if I were to remove myself Rosay would kill you. I do not believe you are thinking very clearly at this moment"
"Oh you don't? Well it's a nice change to meet a snakehead who isn't arrogant and condescending with a superiority complex"
Sam shifts uncomfortably at that, but Rosay, uh Meshkent or whatever stays still, eyes passing between us. Sam eyes me but I ignore her, so she turns back to Rosay and grimaces a little as she considers Rosay's now calm and serene face, so different from the madness in her eyes of before
"Who are you?" Sam asks quietly, her voice laced with uncertainty.
"I am Meshkent as I told you"
"And you're a Goa'uld"
"Yes, but...I have changed..."
"Oh that's what they all say..."
"Sir, there are the Tok'ra..." Sam reminds me, and I roll my eyes. Trust her to bring up the goody goody snake heads. I sometimes wonder if she thinks about one particular Tok'ra once too often.
"I am not Tok'ra!" It yells, eyes glowing, face contorted and seemingly insulted by that remark. It finishes, sucks in a breath, then looks at it's hands that it holds stretched out in front of it, and speaks quietly as it studies the skin and fingers.
"But I am not Goa'uld either. Not anymore"
"Oh, had a change of heart did we?"
It looks up at me and cocks its head, considering my words.
"As a matter of fact, I think I did"
"How long have you been in there?" Sam asks, glancing back at the other rows of tanks, eyes widening, but her zat remaining steady.
"Many many years. I was but an infant when they placed me inside my host, and I think perhaps that is what saved me. My immature body was able to adapt to the chemicals, and I survived. Do not worry though Sam, I am the only survivor, the others were not so fortunate"
It glances out over the tanks with Sam, and shivers a little, no doubt remembering it's prison.
"They're all dead?" I ask, and Rosay, Meshkent, it, whatever, takes a deep breath.
"Yes they are. A few of them managed to survive for many years but one by one they all succumbed. Killed by the hands of those they wished to enslave. How ironic don't you think?"
"Uh...maybe" I say, and Sam glances at me.
"What do you want?" Asks Sam, and I lift my chin, wanting to hear the answer to this one.
"I just want to live, to exist"
"In Rosay's body?"
"I am not particular, I will live in many hosts in the days to come, but her body...called to me...I cannot explain it" With that she walks swiftly over to the wall, ignoring our zats which follow her carefully, and she flicks a few switches, then from nowhere she pulls a zat out and fires it into the outlet in front of her.
"Woah! What the hell did you just do?"
"This room will soon be no more, and the corridors from here to the gateroom are overrun with guards and fighting. I suggest you take that corridor and pass through the water purification area to get back to the main corridor"
"What? What the hell do you think you're doing?"
She turns back slowly, and tucks her zat securely into her belt, before taking a few more steps towards us, and indicating the room with a jerk of her head.
"This place is a prison of evil, I must give my brothers and sisters at least some form of burial. I suggest you leave now before this room collapses in on us"
"But Meshkent, all these people will die!"
"They would have no life worth living. My people within them are already dead, and most of them are merely being keep alive by artificial means to serve as incubators to dead parasites. You wish to prolong their pain, their soulless lives?"
"Not that I think you snakeheads *have* souls Meshkent, but this is really unnecessary" I say, keeping my zat on her, but she seems completely unfazed by any of my words.
"You need power for the iris do you not? This I gleaned from Rosay, this is why she came here to find you, knowing your next move"
Sam lowers her zat a little then, and steps forward slightly, face curious, and a little sad.
"Is...is Rosay still in there?"
Meshkent smiles softly, and though it appears genuine it sends a shiver up my spine nevertheless. She takes a step towards Sam and holds out her hand slightly, and I just grit my teeth and tighten my grip on my weapon.
"Yes Sam, she is here, and though I would prefer to come to some sort of understanding with her, some sort of coexistence, letting her take control now would bring no benefit to either of us"
Sam nods and steps back, and I look from her to Meshkent in disbelief.
"What? You really expect us to believe that? Look, much though I'm not a big fan of Rosay's, the fact is you took over her body by force. How the hell are we ever to believe you're gonna let her out in the future, or coexist or whatever the hell you call it. You're a Goa'uld!"
Sam glances at me impatiently, but I'm sorry Sam, there are some things that I just can't back down on, and this is one of those things. It's a Goa'uld, and it's evil, bottom line. Sure maybe some of them can reform after hundreds of years like the Tok'ra, but one that's never experienced anything but the Goa'uld way of life? I'm just not buying it...I flick my eyes back to Meshkent then, and she takes a few steps towards me, her face patient.
"Jack, I have spent the last two hundred years trapped and suffering in a dying then dead host, which I had little or no contact with. When I was first implanted in him as a very young symbiote, I had only a few months of being linked with his mind, and the only thing I felt in that time was his hatred towards me. A fierce, burning hatred that consumed him from the inside out, and his strength of mind, and pride in himself that he was giving up everything he was, and had, to try and beat me, subdue me, show me what I had done. Well he failed Jack, he failed, and over the years I almost wish he hadn't, but I did learn what my people had done, and I felt the hatred directed at me and them. Believe me Jack living with that knowledge can have the power to change you"
Yeah well, whatever, I still don't believe you. I think Sam's beginning to though, I can tell from the compassionate tilt of her head.
"So you're a saint now is that what you're saying?" I drawl, curling my lip.
"No, but neither am I a devil. Jack, we have no time for this, this room will explode in a few short minutes. Now I suggest you leave, and take the route I told you"
"And you expect us just to let you walk away?" I ask, wondering what words of wisdom it's gonna use to wriggle out of that one. Does it really think we're just gonna let it leave? Unlikely Meshkent, unlikely.
"If you do not let me go, there will be no one to operate the gate for you to return home. If you let me go now, when tomorrow comes, I will open the gate and iris so you may go"
Damn...good answer, but not one I'm willing to put much faith in.
"How can we be expected to trust you, you're a Goa'uld!"
"Jack, as far as I can see you have no choice. The only other course of action for you is for one to remain to operate the gate unit, and I do not think you wish to be separated from each other, do you?"
She tilts her head and looks from me to Sam with a knowing look, and Sam meets my eyes. No, there's no way I'm gonna be separated from her again while we're still stuck here, and I know she won't let me stay while she gets home either. I guess we have no choice. I squeeze Sam's cold fingers, and the room starts to shake slowly, with a far off rumbling sound, and as I turn to talk to Meshkent she is already moving away. She stops and looks back, and with a small smile she yells over the rising noise.
"When tomorrow comes, be ready!" and then she vanishes among the many units and tanks.
Sam comes quickly to my side, and I take her fingers in mine and squeeze them as we turn and run out of the coldroom. We take the rough directions Meshkent gave us, having no other choice as we put some distance between us and the coffins full of Goa'uld, and a sudden roaring earthquake knocks us to our feet. We slide across the floor for a moment, then scramble to our feet and run on as small secondary explosions erupt around us. Seemingly out of immediate danger we work our way carefully along the empty corridor, and hefting a huge door open we find ourselves in another large hall featuring large circular water tanks and large transparent tubes full of coloured liquid. The water in the fenced tanks is slowly circulating, and all the water flows from the tanks and joins a wide channel cut into the floor which winds its way through a low gap in the wall, and continues off into the darkness. We stand and look around for a moment, then the sound of staff blasts out in the corridor behind us spurs us into action. We carefully search the room, looking behind all the giant tanks and around the corners, but it soon becomes apparent that there are no other exits.
"Looks like we're stuck here"
"Sounds like some serious fighting outside sir"
She's right. We can now clearly hear yelling and cursing, and then comes a loud thump at the door. Great.
"Looks like Meshkent sent us the wrong way, what a surprise" I knew it...I knew that damn snakehead would never...
"Sir, perhaps the water channel goes through into another room" She suggests, hanging over one railing to watch the gentle current.
"You mean swim it?" I offer, and she bites her lower lip before nodding in agreement. Well, we have no other choice. I take her hand and lead her over to the water, and we carefully sit on the edge and look at each other before making a move. The water is very, very cold, and we lower ourselves gingerly into its icy dark depths and push off from the edge. There's a gentle current pulling us, but we go slowly and carefully, feet just touching the ground and our zats readied in our hands, held out of the water. The roof gradually starts to get lower and lower, and suddenly we are plunged into darkness as we pass out of the room. We pass the next few minutes in darkness, letting the water pull us as we hold hands so as not to be separated, and finally we come out into a small area, accessible only by a walkway above us. There's a small ledge here, so Sam gets the map out to study, pointing at a thin route that winds around the complex.
"This must be the water channel sir, it appears it runs for quite a distance. If we follow it to the end we'll be close to the gateroom but on the other side"
I peer at the map over her shoulder, and nod my agreement. Good plan.
"Then we find someplace warm to hide out. We're probably safe in here but we'll freeze if we stay in this water too long"
She nods her agreement and folds away the map as we let ourselves drift once more. We spend the next ten minutes or so making our way slowly along the dim channel, and at a few points we have to duck under the water through large open gateways set low into the dividing walls. Now soaking from head to toe we shiver as we follow the curving walls onward. Occasionally we hear far off indicators of battle, but it seems no one has thought to check the water systems for prisoners, which is just as well.
Everything goes well for a while as we swim in silence, but slowly I become aware of a tugging under the water, and Sam clutches at my shoulder. I nod at her and we try to put our feet on the bottom and slow down, but it seems the channel has deepened, and my toes can no longer touch down. Shit...not good. This new strong current seems to have come from nowhere, and suddenly it drags us from below, and we are sucked to the left down a small tributary, only to come up gasping and spluttering some distance away. I try and grab at Sam but the current is even stronger here, and suddenly the ground drops away from me and I fall about ten feet before slamming down into another pool of water and am then sucked down a large pipe which twists and turns like a very unenjoyable water chute. Falling out of this I slam into another submerged ledge, winding myself, arms flailing, only to finally slide down a last watery ramp on my back to land in a small shallow pool, Sam joining me a few seconds later. I just lie panting, my mouth barely above water as I try to refill my lungs with air, and thankfully Sam manages to haul my heavy bulk to the side. We just lie for a few seconds, then I feel her get up and she starts to pat all over my body.
"Carter? What are you doing?" I ask breathlessly, thinking that this really is the wrong time for a quick feel. She stops then, and her face comes into view, and she doesn't look happy.
"Sir, we've lost the zats"
"Ah...sweet..."
She pulls me up and we shake off as much water as we can before I look around. This place looks much like the room we started off in, but arranged around the wall are lots of tables, covered in what look like water bottles. I remember seeing the guards with one once, so I grab one and fill it from a large clear tank, and after sniffing it and dipping my finger in I drink deeply. Yeah okay so I almost drowned but I'm thirsty okay?
"Uh sir..."
"Ahh...what Carter?...you want some?" I hold the bottle out to her but she shakes her head slowly. Oh what now.
"Sir, this looks like a treatment plant of some kind. Sir, it may not be the food that was used to give us the chemicals they were forcing on us..." She says, her voice trailing off, and I almost choke on my next swig. Oh...oh great. So that water is full of hormones and we just swam through it and swallowed half a gallon of it? Just what we need, thankfully we'll be out of here tomorrow. I just cock my head at her, raise an eyebrow, and hook the bottle onto my belt instead. Typical...we haven't eaten for ages and all we find is poisoned water. Just my luck.
"Let's go" I say, and open the door, and she follows me out.
We sprint down the corridor as fast as we can and find ourselves face to face with three guards. They look as startled as we are, and by the time their staff weapons are raised we are off around the next corner, and we keep going. By the time we get near the main corridor we find the fighting has finally found it's way here. I pull Carter behind a pillar and we scrunch down on the floor, and panting we watch a small group of screaming and yelling former prisoners tearing down the corridor carrying an assemblage of staff weapons, zat guns, and various melee weapons. A few of the guards turn and run ,and the others trail after them, firing at the prisoners.
"Way to go guys!" I whisper softly, and Carter turns to look at me with a little hope in her eyes. Maybe things will actually work out here. She nudges me and points to the large open hallway across the way, and we carefully make our way there behind the pillars. Once there we find a small set of stairs, and taking my hand she leads me up there and into a small office like room. We startle a guard while there but he's as weaponless as us so he simply pushes me out of the way and onto my back as he flees.
"Oof!"
"Sir?" Carter asks, worry evident on her face as she helps me up. The whole of the room is ransacked, and part of the wall has crumbled away, leading to what looks like a large version of the stone air conditioning tunnels.
"I'm fine Carter, it looks like this isn't the best neighbourhood anymore huh?"
"I don't think we'll be able to get close to the gateroom sir, our best bet is to hide out here until things die down, and make our way to it tomorrow"
"Yeah I think your right. I hope your lock holds, cause I sure as hell don't wanna get there tomorrow and find out the room is trashed"
She nods and sticks her head into the stone tunnel for a look. From here it smells dank and musty and looks very dark.
"Even if we get there sir, we still have to rely on Meshkent opening the gate for us"
"Yeah well, I'm not gonna bet my savings on that one, but I guess we don't have much choice"
"You have savings sir?" She asks cheekily, looking back at me out of the tunnel, and I roll my eyes and push her further in.
"Well I've enough to buy a gag for that mouth Carter" I answer her, and she smiles broadly at me, and disappears into the tunnel. I stand and look down at the hall for a moment, then follow her into the darkness. This looks as good a place as any to hide out.
Until tomorrow.
"Sometimes late at nightI lie awake and watch her sleepingShe's lost in peaceful dreamsSo I turn out the lights and lay there in the darkAnd the thought crosses my mindIf I never wake up in the morningWould she ever doubt the way I feelAbout her in my heart?"
(If Tomorrow Never Comes - Garth Brooks)
The fires burn brightly below us, and as we lie there on the rock ledge concealed high up in the walls I finally allow my breath to slow down. The fight still rages on in the compound, and now the combatants fill the hall below us and there are many bodies strewn on the floor, both guards and prisoners alike. We followed the stone tunnel for a while, and after removing some rubble and planks we found an area that looked undisturbed, and we had our place to hide out above the halls giving us a good vantage point. As the levels of adrenaline in my body fall I start to shake, and the cold finally permeates. Though fires burn the air here is still cold, and I can feel the Colonel shiver beside me. I move closer, and he does the same until we lie side by side, wordlessly looking out onto the battlefield. The combatants are tired now, but still they fight. Prisoner after prisoner goes down before the staff weapons of the guards, and their movements appear to be in slow motion, seen through the mist of our cold breaths. I feel tears prick at my eyes but I know there is nothing we can do to help, nothing at all. And then a soft voice comes from beside me, thick with despair.
"And we rose up against them, and they saw our rage and pain, and we broke them down with it"
I turn to look at him, and I see the fires dancing in the depths of his dark eyes. He turns to look back at me, and just then a stray staff weapon bolt strokes the plaster near us, and we scramble to our feet and squeeze into a gap that runs behind the latticing of the wall, and keep moving until we find a small area big enough for both of us to lie down comfortably. The Colonel pushes debris out of the way, and soon we have a small hollow to lie in. He pulls me over and down, and we settle next to each other with our backs against the wall. We have a long wait. He loops an arm around my shoulder and pulls me in tight, and I clutch at his jacket and try desperately to absorb some warmth from him. My clothes are still damp, and the cool air up here isn't helping. The Colonel seems to agree as he pulls me even closer, and wraps both arms around me, his head coming to rest on top of mine. We shiver together for a while, and eventually we start to warm up, and he loosens his arms, and moves slightly away from me. He looks at the floor in front of him, and I guess this is where he tells me the kiss was a mistake. Before he can speak I jump, taking the conversation elsewhere, at least for a while.
"I...I can't believe Rosay was a traitor"
"Yeah she was good alright, had me fooled. Sorry I suspected Reebin" He glances at me as he speaks, eyes full of regret.
"You had some good reasons sir, he did know a lot. I should have suspected Rosay, she was so quick to side with me, and her 'world' seemed so like ours"
"Ah Sam, no one suspected her, and you know me I suspect everyone"
"There were so many clues, I just didn't think. She was always making suggestions for the plans, the way her world was so like ours. Then when I was trying to look into the tank in the coldroom, she must have gone to get the guard to stop me"
"And she knew how to work the zat, I should have spotted that"
I nod and drop my head to my knees, and he nudges me.
"Sam, don't beat yourself up over it. Hey, if I hadn't suspected Reebo then she might never have shown herself!"
He beams at me, so pleased with himself at finding a reward for disliking Reebin, and I can't help but laugh a little. But just a little as I think about Rosay's fate now.
"Whatever she's done, I wouldn't wish this on her"
"Yeah. I don't trust that snake, for all we know he's setting us up right now"
"What choice do we have sir? I know he's a Goa'uld, but there is something different about him"
"Maybe Carter, but did you ever stop to think that his 'change of heart' could simply be the result of the drugs they were pumping into his host in that tank? Maybe this is the effect they were trying to achieve to control them. It might be temporary now he's running about in the open"
"Maybe sir, but I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt"
"He's no Tok'ra Major, and I don't even trust them entirely"
I look at him with hurt on my face, but he refuses to look at me. He once said he'll never, ever trust a Goa'uld, and I doubt he ever will. He likes my father well enough, and the two of them get on well, but his face always changes whenever Selmak appears. And let's not even bring up that other Tok'ra who he's less than smitten with.
"Well if Meshkent doesn't come through for us..."
"Then I'll work the DHD and you'll go home, and that's an order Major" He says firmly, giving me that I'm your CO look.
"Sir..."
"No arguments Carter, that's the way it'll go down. I want you safe" He says, his jaw tightening as he sits there, still staring defiantly at the opposite wall.
"But sir, I can't leave you here, I just can't...I...I..."
"Don't" He says softly, and when I look up from trying to stutter out some kind of reason for keeping him with me, his eyes are deep, and open, but they snap closed as I look at him, and his jaw is set firm. I look away. I recognise that look, that the 'we're never gonna talk about it' look that I've seen before after alternate realities, the look that always sent me a shock of pain. I let out a long breath and drop my head back against the wall. He pulls his cap from his head and ruffles his wet hair, stuffing his cap in his pocket. He claws at his face for a moment, glancing around, then he finally slams his hands down by his sides and speaks.
"Look...Sam...there's a few things we have to..."
"It's okay sir, I understand" I say, going into instant defence mode, but he refuses to let me just brush it under the carpet. He obviously wants this out in the open, wants this discussed. Why can't we just forget it like we normally do? I don't want to talk about it, don't want to hear him say it was a mistake, he was drugged, he has a girlfriend, I just don't want to hear it!
"No Sam, don't. We have to talk about this. I...I kissed you Sam..." He says then, head lowered and shoulders bunched as he tries to take all the blame. He stays quiet, waiting for my agreement, but how can I agree with an untruth like that?
"No you didn't"
He looks up at my words, confusion pulling his features together. He prepares to speak but I start before he can.
"We kissed each other" His eyebrows are all over the place for a few seconds, then he sighs and blows out his cheeks as he thinks. I find myself caught in his chocolate eyes as they search mine.
"Sam, there's so many things that...that..."
I know sir, I know. I know exactly what, or rather who, he's meaning.
"Do you miss her?"
"Do I miss who?"
He actually looks genuinely confused, his eyebrows jumping up as the topic ventures somewhere he maybe hadn't planned. I don't know whether to feel relief or anger. On the one hand I'm glad he didn't automatically think of her, and on the other I can't believe that the woman he's been dating isn't at the forefront of his mind, especially considering his current body chemistry.
"Hayes"
I try and say her name evenly, but I'm sure I clipped it. He cocks his head at me, then looks at the floor, a slight smile curving his lips. I swallow the bitter taste of bile and remind myself that we're just having a little chat about home. You know the funny thing is he has never, ever mentioned Hayes to me, he didn't even tell me that they were going out. I had to hear it from Danny after I saw them leave the base together one night. And that hurt me more than the fact her was seeing her. I mean I thought we had recovered our friendship and that it was even getting stronger, and for a short while I even thought it was maybe heading in a different direction, but then suddenly he veered off, and drew away from me, and then she appeared out of nowhere.
"I really like her Sam"
I drop my own head and nod. Of course he does, I know he does. He didn't need to say it, he didn't need to tell me that, to make me feel that sudden surprising stab of pain.
"I like her, but I don't love her, not yet"
"Could you love her?"
He thinks for a moment, his chin in his hands, and the flickering flames reflect in the deep pools of his eyes. The way those eyes light up when he thinks about her creates a stinging in my eyes that I desperately try to blink away.
"Yeah" He breathes, smiling gently, his eyes fixed on the wall, and I nod more for my own benefit than for his. Silence descends for a while and eventually I feel his eyes on me. But I can't meet them.
"Sam...why did you want to know?"
"I..." What the hell am I supposed to say? Because I'm a little jealous? Because I'm a little disappointed? Because I'm a little in love with you? I just continue to stare at my boots, focusing on every stitch in the worn material. He sits quietly for a while, then I see him face me once more.
"I want to love her Sam, I so want to. She's good to me and I've been trying so very hard to make myself move on"
I speak despite myself and raise my eyes to meet his. His brown eyes are so open and so deep that once caught by them, I just can't look away. Move on? What is he talking about?
"Move on from what?"
"You" He breathes, the word barely a whisper.
Me?...ME? I just sit there with my mouth open. He looks at me, and then seeing my expression he snorts and turns away shaking his head. A minute passes and I still can't think of anything to say so I simply stare at the back of his head. Eventually he flings up his arms and turns to face me, his red face showing his anger at my silence.
"You infuriate me you know that? I spend practically every day with you for the last three odd years, and you drive me crazy every second and you don't even notice do you? I just don't get you Carter, and I never will!"
He turns away again, and falls silent, and I give him the time to work of the anger as he slams his hand against his thigh repeatedly. What did he mean? Drive him crazy? Do I annoy him? Doesn't he like me? But he just said he couldn't move on from me, Oh God I'm so confused...Eventually I turn and face him again, and I find this time he looks amused, a small smile lifting his mouth, all traces of anger gone.
"How can you be so smart and so dumb at the same time?" He says, his voice soft and lilting, and again I find myself struck dumb. Finding no reaction from me he burrows his face in his hands, fingers digging in, then relaxes them and pulls them down his face. Then he turns to look at me, his eyes pleading, pleading for me to understand. Oh I know what I want him to be meaning, but I'm too scared to say, too scared.
"Sam..." He says, and his quiet voice makes me look up. He reaches out a hand towards me, and gently trails one dirty callused finger down my cheek. It may feel rough, but nothing has ever felt so good. I lean into the touch, and he pulls the finger away briefly, surprised.
"What did you mean move on from me?" I ask, and his eyebrows jump as he puffs up his cheeks at my directness. I'm sick of beating around the bush, and I want answers.
"I...well, let's just say I've been having a few thoughts about things I shouldn't be having thoughts about" He says, managing a small laugh. He trails his finger down my other cheek and I reach up and flatten his hand there with mine, savouring the warmth. He looks startled at first, then smiles a little. We just sit like that for a while, then I feel it's my turn.
"I've been having a few uh...thoughts of my own" I stutter.
He smiles a little, and his eyes lighten, and his fingers continue to stroke my skin under my hand.
"About...us?" He asks, hesitantly, seemingly just as afraid he's reading the conversation wrong as I am. I smile a squint smile when his eyes eventually settle on me again, and he smiles a little back.
"Yeah" I say, squeezing his fingers. He drops his hand from my face but takes mine with it, holding it in his lap as he plays with the fingers, smiling gently. We just sit and hold hands for a while, easing into this new admission and letting it settle over us, adjusting to its weight about our shoulders.
"So..." He says, voice trailing off, and he smiles a little at me before scrunching his face up us as he always does. It used to confuse me at first, seeing him do that, but after a while I realised he did it when he wasn't happy with his expression, when his face was betraying him with something he didn't want anyone to see. So he would scrunch it up and then release all the muscles, and having regained control he would formulate a more neutral expression, and hide his emotions away again.
"Sir..." I start, my voice halfway between admonishment and pleading, but he jumps in before I can have a chance to finish.
"Sam I really like you" He blurts, and we both look at each other in surprise at his words.
"I...really like you too sir"
"Uh...okay...I'm not at my most eloquent at the moment, but when I say I really like you, I mean I *like* you...uh...ah hell...I...you know what I mean"
"I know" I say, and squeeze his fingers for what seems like the hundredth time today, feeling strangely serene. Getting this whole thing out in the open just makes me feel so much better. I know it won't last, but I can't help but feel some hope.
"But I shouldn't...like you that is. I shouldn't for so many reasons. I tried to...deny it at first. I mean, we've been through so much together I thought it was maybe just because of that, but I always knew I was lyin' to myself, I was just scared to admit it, to me and...you"
"Scared?" I asked, incredulous. The very thought of Colonel O'Neill being scared of anything is quite alien to me. He spares me a quick 'don't even go there' look, but I still stare at him in awe, and he grips my hand and pulls at his collar with the other before answering in a rush of jumbled phrases.
"Yeah ya know, scared because you're so smart and beautiful and young and I'm well...I'm kinda none of those things. Scared you'd laugh at me, report me, hit me...I dunno...kick me in the nuts or somethin'..."
He tails off, his voice merely a grumble at the end with his head bowed, and I can't help but laugh again, and I lean over to nudge him in the ribs. He looks up with surprise at my laughter, and seems unsure whether to be terrified or glad at my reaction.
"Way to make a guy feel small Sam...Y'know, there's certain times when a woman really shouldn't be laughing...and doing that when a guys trynna let you know how he feels in his own dumb way is oh...say number two on the list"" He mumbles quietly but with a hint of mirth. I laugh again and he yanks on my arm to get my attention.
"And I don't need to tell you what situation number one is do I?"
I laugh some more, and he laughs with me, then I blush a little at the thought of *that* situation with him, then we both sober and lean back against the wall, our shoulders meeting. He lets out a sigh, then I turn my hand in his and hold his long warm fingers, marvelling at the feel of them entwined with mine, and the way he rubs his thumb in slow, lazy circles against my palm.
"I wouldn't have kicked you in the nuts sir" I tell him, and he wipes his free hand across his brow in an exaggerated gesture.
"Well that's a relief. Uh...and...would you have said yes? If I'd asked?"
"I...yes...I would have wanted to" I say, quickly covering my eager affirmative with a little reality check. Much though I wish reality would simply go away I know its not going to happen. But still I force it as far away as I can and concentrate on the feel of his warm hand, and his firm shoulder, and his deep and unusually open brown eyes. He nods, then loops an arm around my shoulders and pulls me against his side, and I let myself settle there, and relax a little, just a little. He shifts as he sits there to make himself more comfortable
"I want to be with you" He says softly, leaning into my side and allowing his head to rest on my shoulder for a brief moment.
"I want to be with you" I answer, feeling like my entire heart is being poured out in front of my eyes.
"I could retire..." He says, but only half heartedly. It's nice for him to offer but we both know it's not going to happen.
"No sir, I wouldn't let you. I could resign my commission and stay on as a scientist..." I offer, but he shakes his head.
"And I wouldn't let you do that either. And beyond that there aren't many choices, and due to the regs most of them end in court martial, and I will not allow you to put your career on your line and waste your life over me. Plus we'd have to try and keep it secret, and I'm just not happy with that, and...and I don't want to hurt Lucy..."
Stalemate again. He holds his hand flat over mine and sighs. I flinch inside every time I hear her name, I try not to, try not to hate her for having him but I just can't help it. I want him. I want him and I can't have him...can I? He shifts uncomfortably for a few moments, and then his face scrunches and relaxes, and it looks like reality just hit home for him as well.
"Sam I want to think that, I mean talking about the possibilities...it's...I want...I wish we...ah hell Sam, we...we can't...we can't do this" He says, slamming his face into his hands, then raking them back through his hair as the dream falls down around me. I knew it had to, I knew it, it's just I hoped that maybe we could string it out, for just a little longer, just a little. But no, better it stop now before I really start to picture myself with him, on his arm, in his life, in his bed. Far better to stop now.
He turns to look at me then, awaiting my opinion, and I nod in painful agreement and bite my lip. He watches me steadily, and I stare at the floor, feeling a deep trembling start from within me, and though I try so very, very hard not to cry, a single solitary tear frees itself from my eye and travels down my cheek and onto my lips, tasting of salt and pain, and a terrible loss. His expression turns to one of horror and I choke in a sob and sharply turn my head away from him. I don't want him to see, I don't want him to know how weak and pathetic I am.
"Oh Sam..." He says, and though I tense and try to brush him off his arms come around me. He pulls me close and forces me to turn in his arms, pulling my own arms around him.
"Come here" He says ever so softly, regretfully, and I do what he commands, as I always do. I crush myself against his chest and bury my wet face into his already damp fatigues. His arms hold me close and his chin presses down on top of my head, his clutching hands digging into my jacket. His heart pounds against my cheek, and his harsh breathing ruffles my hair as my soft sobs cut across the gentle hum of far-off machinery and the crackling of fires. Don't cry Sam, no crying. I will not cry. I will not cry over letting go of the man I have fallen in love with. I'll let him go and let him choose another, and I'll wish him well. He pulls me gently onto his lap and further into his embrace and he starts to rock me. I screw my eyes shut against this cruel world and choke on my sobs. All this time I'm been dreaming of home, dreaming of Earth, and now I don't want to go. I have him here, he's mine, but when we go home I'll have to let him go, I'll have to let him go.
Oh Sam you knew this from the start, you knew you couldn't have him, you knew it was never going to happen, but still you hoped, and wished, and dreamed. Well this is my nightmare, my hell. It would have been better if he didn't want me too, at least then I wouldn't feel so...so...cheated? Cheated is a fair word for it. We've been cheated. His chin slides from on top of my head and he presses a hot cheek against mine, and I press back. He sniffs once, then pulls his head away, and I gasp as I see his own face is wet, and his eyes glisten with tears he's trying so hard not to shed. His eyes are so dark, so sad, that I want to stop his pain, I so want to stop him hurting. Just go to her Jack, please, please don't hurt like this. I won't be responsible for his tears, oh please. He opens his mouth to speak and I press a finger to his lips to silence him. What more is there to say? He gently pulls my fingers from his face and reaches out and traces the track of my silent tears with a shaky finger. I tremble at that soft reverent touch and he moves forward to instinctively take me in his arms once more.
He curves his arms around my waist and pulls me towards him, sliding me up onto his lap, then he leans forward in what seems like slow motion and places his warm lips briefly against mine. The touch is light and trembling, and feels for all the world like a goodbye. I guess it is. Goodbye to something we never had, and something we never will. He pulls back for a brief second, then his lips descend suddenly again, harder, crushing my own lips against my teeth, and I extend my shaky arms around his now heaving chest to hold him there as long as I can. He kisses me harshly, desperately, and I respond, clutching at him in case he should somehow slip away, slip through my fingers. Its almost as though we're trying to condense whatever we would have had, could have had into one, last, frantic and hopeless kiss.
One last chance, because it'll all be over when tomorrow comes.
Where are they?
Where in the hell are they?
Sam said she could rig up the DHD, she said she could do it, and if she ever says anything like that, then I know she'll do it. Well has she done it? And if she has why haven't they come back through? Maybe they've been captured. Maybe they're just waiting for the right time, maybe...
Where are they?
I can't help but fidget, but every time I do so someone turns and glares at me. I fidget again and this time strong hands pull me backwards and my back finds the wall as Teal'c lets me go and looks down at me with calm eyes. Good old Teal'c. The poor guy has been waiting here for the last few months for any word on us, and I've been waiting for just over a day and I'm a wrecking every sense of the word. The General in is his office, but he's been spending a lot of time here with the rest of us. Janet has been putting in her time in the control room, but now it's just Teal'c and I, and Captain Hayes. She's sitting talking to an airman on duty, trying to look inconspicuous, but I know she's here hoping to see Jack walk through the gate. I can't keep my eyes of her. Every time I look at her back I think of Sam in Jack's arms, the way they were with each other, their joyous reunion after a brief hours separation, and the new bond I felt between them. How is this going to affect Jack's relationship with Hayes? To be honest I was a little surprised when they got together, she never struck me as Jack's type, but they both seemed happy enough so I was simply happy for Jack. But what about Sam? I always knew she cared for him deeply, and though she never let it show, I always thought there was something in her eyes when Hayes and Jack were together, and to be honest I always thought it strange that Jack never, ever mentioned Lucy in front of her. And Jack? Well you'd have to be blind not to see how much he cared for Sam, yearned for her maybe, but I always got the impression he wanted it left unsaid, almost as if he just never considered himself a contender. He seemed satisfied just to be there for her, protect her, be her friend, but how is he going to be now he's had more?
Easy Daniel, conclusions and jumping, it's something I'm rather good at. For all I know nothing happened between Sam and Jack, but something tells me that's unlikely. And even worse knowing them they'll come back home and just ignore it, push it away to the backs of their minds until the pain and questions fade away and they get on with their lives until the next time. But things are different now, Jack has Lucy, and the stakes are no longer the same. I turn to watch her again and her face has lost its smile as she looks out into the gateroom and at the silent, taunting gate. Doesn't Jack see it? Doesn't he see that when she spews her theories and laughs at him and loves being with him that in the harsh cruel light of reality that she's just a poor replacement for Sam? A Sam he can have but doesn't really want? Maybe I'm wrong, maybe he does love her, but it just doesn't feel like it. I have felt more 'love' or whatever in the air during the last few days I was reunited with Sam and Jack than I have felt between Jack and Lucy over the last few months they've been seeing each other. Plus Jack doesn't really talk about her much to me when we're alone, which really surprised me. Not that Jack is exactly the type to kiss and tell so to speak, but I thought he would have said something about their relationship at some point, but no, he rarely ver mentions her name other than to say 'I've gotta go pick up Lucy' or 'I'm seeing Lucy tomorrow night, can't make it'. A few times I've asked him how things are going between them, and he'll pause, lower his bottled beer from his mouth and say 'Yeah, fine' and start another subject. I never really thought to pry, because for a start its none of my business, and not having known Jack when he's been in a relationship, I thought maybe he was just a private man in these areas, and left it at that. Lucy on the other hand made no secret of how happy she was with him, and her feelings for him, but once or twice I caught he looking at Jack when SG1, and more specifically him and Sam were sharing a joke. Maybe she saw it too, whatever it is between them, but the important thing is she cares for him, and she's waiting like the rest of us.
Footsteps pull me out of my pondering then, and I watch as a weary Jacob Carter walks to the General's office, knocks and then enters. He's not taking this well. It took them weeks to finally get a message through to the Tok'ra as there had been a lot of upheaval, and they had done quite a bit of moving around. Jacob got here a few days before I came back, and he was at the briefing right after my medical. I told him everything I knew about Sam and he seemed satisfied, only to call me back before I left to get some sleep. I walked up to him, curious as to what he had to say to me away from the others, and suddenly he dipped his head, then looked up at me, eyes alive with light, and I felt a shiver go up my spine. Oh I know Lantesh is a Tok'ra and all, but I always find it just a little grating when she takes over.
"Colonel O'Neill had better take good care of Samantha, or he will have me to answer to" The eerie resonant voice said. I found my voice after a few seconds of shock.
"Uh, I'm sure he will Lantesh, you needn't worry about that"
Again the head bobbed, and once again Jacob came to the fore, looking a tad embarrassed.
"Daniel, I apologise for Lantesh, she can get a little, protective about Sam, sometimes even more than me" He chuckles, but his eyes aren't laughing.
"Look, I'm sure that..."
"It's okay Daniel, I have to go rejoin the rest of the Tok'ra now, but I'll stay in touch"
"They'll get back safe Jacob, I know they will"
"Oh I'm sure of that Daniel, but something tells me that's the least of their worries. Let's just hope Jack comes to his senses huh?" And then he was gone. I just stood and pulled on my collar for a moment, wondering about what he said, but though I try and come up with some other reasons, there's only one possibility, which begs the question...how the hell does he know? It took me that much to maybe think that maybe there's something between them, and Jacob is only here for a few days every couple and months and...ah hell, I guess Lantesh must be casting some unique perspective on him. Well, I pity Jack when he does get back, he might be due a tongue thrashing.
Someone is on the stairs again, and I turn to see Reebin walk into the room and up to my side with a sigh.
"How's Alith?" I ask. I haven't been to check on her since yesterday.
"She is recovering. Your treatments are amazing Daniel"
"I guess they are"
He turns to look out the window at the gate, and I turn with him. Come on Jack, come on Sam, we're waiting on you two. All we need is for you to come home and everything will be better, all our problems will be over.
Mind you, I get the feeling that yours will just be starting as I see Reebin to my right and Hayes to my left. Come on guys, we're waiting. I know that it might be a case of out of the frying pan and into the fire, but you'll be home.
Please come home.
"If tomorrow never comes,Will she know how much I loved herDid I try in every way to show her every day,That she's my only oneAnd if my time on earth were through,And she must face the world without meIs the love I gave her in the past,Gonna be enough to lastIf tomorrow never comes,
So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of,
If tomorrow never comes"
(If tomorrow never comes - Garth Brooks)
I had almost forgotten what it feels like.
To walk the world, feel the ground beneath my feet and be able to interact with it, and see what each place has to offer me.
Well, several hours here and I've come to the conclusion that this world isn't worth the dust its made of. I have some very vague memories of how this place appeared in my youth, and let's just say those halcyon days are a long, long way away. What used to be a lush, verdant world covered with gentle streams and majestic mountains now lies flat and wasted and barren. Believe me when I say I take no pleasure in this sight, I am no longer excited and stimulated by the signs of war, and destruction, and the futile grasp for power with bloody fingers.
I have changed.
A part of me wonders idly if the chemicals they used on me did change me, if this is the result. What am I then, a Goa'uld with a blank slate? Perhaps. My ancestral memory is patchy and fading fast, and I no longer feel them tugging me in directions to fuel their own posthumous thirst for conquering. I feel...free for lack of a better world, but after having peeled some panelling back on one of the outer walls I was finally able to see outside, and I have certainly seen enough to realise it is a place not worth going. I wonder idly what Rosay's comments would be right now, but so far I have keep her subdued and silent, and out of the way until I can fully adjust to her body, and hopefully find some way out of here. Well, there is only one way isn't there? The stargate, but I have no idea where I will go. I remember some addresses, and Rosay knows some that I can use to at least get off this world, and after that, I guess it's up to me...well...us. Once this is all over and we are out of here I'll perhaps talk to her, try to come to some sort of arrangement. Perhaps.
In the meantime I have more pressings concerns, those two Tau'ri I left to run around the complex, expecting me to come dial them home. I have no idea why I said I would, I think at the time I was so grateful to be free that I would have given them anything, and now...now I feel a reluctance to help them. Why should I be the one to return them to their lives and homes and dreams? I know that without me they would probably find a way, but as I surmised before, one would have to remain, and neither would let this come to pass, and I do not know why.
~They are in love~
I start in surprise at the sound of a sudden bitter voice somewhere in the back of my head, and realise I am woefully out of practise if Rosay is able to struggle to the surface so easily while under my greatest level of control. Love? Love is a concept I am relatively unfamiliar with, but though inexperienced myself, I am aware of its power, its indefinable nuances and pervading strength. Yes, I do believe you are right Rosay, that must be it. I firmly push her away in my mind, not stopping to let her answer, and get to my feet.
I slowly head off and start to wander away, still having not decided what I am to do. Them being in love makes no odds to me, their short insignificant lives are of no consequence in this universe anyway.
Are they?
Still, even if I helped those two humans, what about the rest here, what about this place with the bodies of my people? I walk on, content in the belief that a solution will present itself to me as I make my way to the facilities power hub.
Finally the battle has ended.
I don't know who won, and to be perfectly honest I really don't care. I glance down at my watch and it's seven in the morning. I stretch my back against the uncomfortable wall, and zip my jacket right up to the top. It got really cold sometime in the middle of the night, and though we found a few rags to pile on top of us, it didn't really make much difference. I woke some hours ago, and in the dark I just listened to the fighting rage on outside, but eventually the blasts and shouts and screams subsided, and it seems the victors, whoever they were, went elsewhere. Well all the better for us, the emptier the corridors to get us to the gateroom the better. I hear a snuffle beside me, and Sam brings her sleeve up to wipe at her nose, then quickly tucks her hand back under her opposite armpit and shivers. I snuggle further against her shoulder and she leans into me, taking my gift of warmth. It's all I have to offer her now, everything else has been done, and said, and decided. I wonder idly if we should get up and make our way, but it's only an idle thought, as like I said before I just don't care. I feel as though my very will has drained away, and even the thought of home doesn't rouse me. In fact, the thought of home just depresses me even more, and a tiny part of me hopes we won't live to see it. Sure I'd get my life back, but I'll lose something that at the moment is much more important to me...Sam.
My watch beeps suddenly, and I push my sleeve up to see the numbers blinking at me.
"What time is it?" Comes a subdued voice, and I turn to find her tired blue eyes gazing up at me from behind her crossed arms that rest on her knees, hiding most of her face, that beautiful face.
"Seven hundred hours" I tell her, and she nods and leans further into me. I loop my arm back around her shoulder, and tug her jacket shut over her chest, I don't want her getting a cold. She snuggles into my chest, and I enfold her in my arms and try not to breathe in the singular scent of her hair.
"We'd better go" I say, and she nods, sighing, before letting go. She moves quickly out of my embrace and gets to her feet, and I just sit there and watch her zip her jacket up and tie a loose lace. She's so calm and collected, so ready to go home. I'm not. I'm not ready but I'll go anyway. Because I'm not going to get anymore ready no matter how much time we spend here. I drag my carcass up from the floor and pull my own jacket tight around me zipping it up, marvelling about how quickly it's all over. I rake a hand through my mussed hair and hike my pants up a notch before stepping up beside her, and only then do I see the painful uncertainty and loss on her face. She finds a matching expression on mine and we both turn away, reluctant to acknowledge either our own feelings or each others. We talked about it remember? We decided.
We make our way down into the hall below, and its quiet, oh so very quiet.
"Creepy" I say, and she acknowledges me with a nod, and moves to the door. I find myself rooted to the spot. This is it, I mean, we're going, we're moving, and possibly in a few short hours we'll be home, or dead, and for a brief moment I have to wrestle with the idea of which I'd prefer. Well regardless of me I want her to get home, I want her to be safe, and I won't let any of my selfish ideas get in her way again. I will not.
We pass out into the corridor, and here the battle damage is severe, and some of the wall has crumbles away. Sam takes a quick look up and down, then steps out following the corridor to the left. I follow on her heels but pause as we cross a large pile of stones and rubble, and gaze thoughtfully downwards. Sam trots to the next hallway and stops, looking back, seeing my attention elsewhere.
"Sir?"
Sir. Damn but that title just doesn't sound right, not anymore. I turn and hold one finger up to signal her to give me a minute, and she gives me the briefest nod before assuming a crouch, and watching all the exits. There's a good little military girl. Stop it Jack, you're the one who told her first that we couldn't do this, you did remember? Yeah well she didn't exactly protest did she. Well what if you'd asked her if she wanted to flaunt regs and her life? Then you would have been disappointed Jack, better this way, yeah maybe. Okay, enough talking to yourself buddy, first sign of madness and all.
Sensing Sam's annoyance at my hesitation I start to sift through the rubble, and after a few seconds I pretty much find what I'm looking for. I hunker down and select seven similar sized rocks, and after weighing each one in my hands and comparing shape, I stuff them in my pockets. I have to split them up and some go in my pants and some in my jacket, and when I stand I feel their extra weight dragging at me. This is one hell of a crazy idea, but it might just work. I turn and jog down the corridor, and when I get to Sam she merely raises an eyebrow, but I don't stop for chat, I jog on past and hear her start behind me as we head for the gateroom, and home.
And so we run.
The halls are a lot quieter now, and there are a lot of dead, and as we step over corpses and avoid pooled blood I wonder who won? Maybe the prisoners did, and maybe they escaped, and maybe the guards did, and they're slowly taking control. Well, it doesn't really matter now, the only that does matter is getting home.
Home.
That word doesn't have half the ring to it used to.
Oh I want to get back, believe me I do, but some things will just never be the same. We arrive at some fallen debris, and Jack stops to help me over, his hands lingering on my sides as he lowers me down, our eyes meeting for a brief second before he draws a deep breath and moves on ahead. Yeah, some things will never be the same. I follow him at a jog as we traverse the corridors, skulking in shadows without our weapons, fearing attack. I mean I knew he was seeing Lucy before, but because we'd never spoken about it, and he never mentioned her in front of me it never seemed to late, we hadn't reached the point of no return. Well, now we have, we came to that point, made our choices, chose our direction and now we're going to stick to it, to the end.
"This way" He says, and yanks on my sleeve. I go with him, and we stalk the quiet corridors shoulder to shoulder, and more often than not, hand in hand. His fingers are terribly cold, but they seem to fit perfectly in mine, and I feel that his hand in mine is my only connection to reality. A reality that I don't really want to let in but reality nonetheless. Finally we arrive at the main corridor where the gateroom is, and the battle has long left here. There are no bodies or discarded weapons this time though, and it looks like someone has made at least a partial effort to clean the place up. Maybe a group has started to restore some sort of order, but there are lots of people here, and I doubt that the fighting would be over in a matter of a day. We stalk carefully, and finally we round the last corner and come face to face with the door to the gateroom. Thankfully it's still shut, and the massive metal clad gate is bent and buckled in places, with the remains of a makeshift battering ram lying abandoned to one side. Jack prods the large log with an outstretched tow, then pushes on the unmoving gate a few times before turning to me with a grin.
"Looks like your lock held Sam"
"Looks like it sir" I reply, and he takes watch while I flip open the panel near the floor and withdraw my trusty shard of metal and begin work. The locks I set up were fairly simple yet convoluted, and its going to take a while to work through them. Plus it seems like there's been a few more power outages, and with the coldroom destroyed things are a little all over the place. I work steadily for fifteen minutes as Jack keeps watch, and finally I'm down to the last level of encryption. I shift in my uncomfortable position, and finally I have to drop to my knees. Jack settles down beside me, back to wall, and keeping watch constantly as he leans out of the small alcove the door rests in to watch the corridors. Finally I come to the last combination, and I press the metal against several sockets, but my hand pauses over the last one, the one that will operate the door, and refuses to move. Jack leans back in from taking another look, and he glances at me, only to stop as he seems my hesitation. This is it, this is the final movement that will get us home. Oh I know the gate needs to be working, and the iris, and someone else has to dial us in, but for some reason this appears to be symbolic. My hand starts to tremble slightly as I hold it still, and then it stops as Jack's hand closes around it. I turn to face him, and his face is slack, his mouth slightly down turned and his eyes sad. He knows it too. He tries to smile, but his lips only lift slightly then fall again, and instead he grips my hand, his eyes saying everything.
We have to go home.
No matter what's happened between us, and no matter what ever else we want, we have a duty to ourselves and others, and they're waiting for us. It's not as if we could have any kind of life here, and a suspension of what's waiting for us would only last for so long. With that I steel myself and nod, and he lets go my hand. I firmly press the socket, connecting the final circuit and the door jerks open halfway and stops.
"Better than nothing" whispers Jack, then he stands and extends his hand down to me. I take the offered fingers and he pulls me to his feet, then our eyes meet for a brief second before we go inside.
The gateroom is pretty much how we left it, and I notice with satisfaction that the iris is partially withdrawn. Stepping inside the gates radius we manage to retract it the full way, and finally we step back, brushing off our hand and simply admire the perfect ring, our way home.
"Well, all we need now is someone to dial up and someway to get them to open the iris back home" I say, resting my hands on my hips. Jack snorts at my words, and turns towards me.
"Yeah just a couple of teensy problems huh Sam? Nothing we can't handle"
And with that we do the only thing we can, we wait.
Two hours have passed and Jack has started to pace again. I know its only a matter of time before he says what I know is coming. From here there's nothing we can do but wait, and I know he hates the fact that our lives are in a Goa'ulds hands. The only other alternative is unthinkable though, but as I sit here on the cold gate steps I know he's about to...
"That's it! Sam, that snake ain't gonna come, we never shoulda trusted it and let it walk free in the first place. Look, you stay here, I'm gonna go work the gate...woah!"
I was standing up to argue, but his tirade was stopped by the ground shaking beneath our feet. It was accompanied by a deep far off rumble, a sound that reverberated through my chest and my throat.
"What the hell was that?" He says, and I spin to look at him as he watches small pebbles rattle around on the floor, suddenly brought to life by the vibrations coursing through the place.
I'm just about to voice whatever possibilities I can up with in the next few seconds, when a crackly resonant voice comes from all around us.
<
"Meshkent, what are you doing?" shouts Jack, looking upwards as he spins around, searching for the cameras we know are there.
<
"But there are still people here, innocent people! You can't just blow the place up!"
<
I look at Jack and I can see his jaw working as he thinks. Should we give him the symbols? I mean even if he has them there's no way he could get through the iris, and I don't even know if we can yet. If we don't he'd going to blow this place, with us in it. What choice do we have?
"Sir?" I ask, and he turns to look at me, his mind still working, looking for a solution. He looks into my eyes and sees my answer, and nods. We have no choice.
"And what about you Meshkent? You expect us to believe you're just gonna die in here when this place goes up?"
There's a pause then, and Jack looks a little smug, thinking he's caught her, but the voice comes back again, dangerous and low, but dripping with humour.
"And just what choices do you believe you have Jack?"
Jack's face goes stiff and set, and loath though he obviously is to admit it, he knows its true. Its either home or death this time, and we have to choose home. He sighs then, raking a hand through his hair, and turns to me. I shrug slightly, and he nods almost imperceptibly before waggling his hand at me, his entire body sagging and admitting defeat.
"Tell him the address" He says softly, and I dictate to Meshkent. We're not fond of giving out Earth's address, but in this case it's unlikely to go to anyone who can use it. If Meshkent does what he says he's going to do, then it won't matter what he knows. I call out the symbols to Meshkent, but he gives no reply. Jack looks at me, a long meanigful look, then he pulls me to one side away from the steps as the chevrons slowly start to light up. He's going to do it, he's going to send us...home.
The gate starts to creak slightly, then thrum, and Jack yanks me to one side as the wormhole splashes outward then back and the pool-like event horizon forms in front of us. I open my mouth to ask him how the hell he intends to get us through the iris, but he holds a finger up, and starts to pull something from his pockets. He repeats the process again and again, until eventually he has seven small rocks sitting in his hands. I raise an eyebrow, and he grins, wearing his best 'watch this!' expression. He readies the first rock in his throwing hand, then holding the others ready in his free hand, he tosses it through. He quickly moves on to the next rock, as he throws the slurps of the gate make a rhythm, a rhythm that I finally manage to pin down. I turn to him, incredulous, and he grins at me. Those rocks will hit the iris with the same intervals, and with the sound objects make as they hit, hopefully they'll know its us and let us come home. I turn to Jack to congratulate his idea, but his face has sobered as he watches me, and the gates light plays over his regretful features, and I nod in sympathy with his feelings.
He takes a few steps over to me, and pulls the edges of my jacket tight together under my chin, brushing a little soot from my sleeve in an afterthought. Then he hauls something from his pocket and hurriedly unfolds it as the clamour from next door increases. He reaches out and tugs his dusty cap down securely onto my head, and tucks some of my hair behind my ears. He pauses a moment and his hand hovers by my face, then he lets it fall and his fingers curl instead around mine.
"Let's go Sam"
And as we leap through the wormhole, the room behind us shakes and gives way in a huge and terrible explosion.
I hold my breath and feel the curious half falling, half swimming sensation caused by the wormhole, then the extreme cold hits me in a wave and slowly ebbs away as I step wearily through the gate, and all at once I'm assailed with a battery of senses. The gate alarm is ringing, people are yelling and screaming and cheering, and the clang of my boots on the ramp seems to ring unbearably loud in my head. Jack's fingers crush mine, and the gate snaps shut as we walk slowly and wearily towards the gateroom, and home.
A sea of people rush forward, and dozens of pairs of arms try and hug me all at once. I get pulled one way and Jack the other way, and in the rush and the cheering and the happy friends we drift apart and his fingers slide away from mine. My father takes me up in a huge hug, and as I'm half carried towards the door I turn back to look for Jack and I watch impassively as Captain Hayes pushes her way through the throng to his side and flings herself at him. He enfolds her in his strong arms and hugs her close, grinning madly as those green eyes look up at him adoringly and everyone cheers. I leave the gateroom with the sounds of laughter and cheering and happy voices following me, and move numbly along the silent corridor. My father and Janet lead me to the infirmary, and I simply let them take me, let them drag me. I've been through so much the last few days, and the fatigue descends so very quickly, and all I can do is follow them. They sit me on a bed and then Janet bustles around to start her tests and Dad goes to get me something to eat. And I just sit there. I sit with my feet dangling over the edge of the bed, alone in a quiet infirmary with a soft, worn cap in my hands.
I guess we're home.
I can't contain my grin.
I sit at the head of the table and look around at my people, and my mouth hurts as the muscles start to protest. Doctor Jackson and Teal'c sit grinning with me, and the newly cleaned up and very tired looking Colonel and Major sit opposite them, their weary, pale faces a sight to behold as their own lips are lifted slightly upwards at the edges. They both look so very tired, and I know I owe it to them both to keep this briefing as short as possible. Seeing the two of them step back through that wormhole was the best thing I have seen since the other member of SG1 did the same. They were quickly bustled to the infirmary after many a welcome, and after a short period to allow them to freshen up they're here, home, in the SGC where they belong. They've already given me a detailed report on their actions since they sent Daniel and the others home, and it sounds like they went through one hell of an ordeal. No matter, they're here now, and though Doctor and I feel that keeping them on base for the next week or so is recommended, they have some serious downtime coming.
"So the compound has been entirely destroyed?"
"Must be General, we felt one hell of an explosion when we came through, Meshkent must have done a number on the whole place"
"Meshkent...yes...a Goddess of birth, uh...said to be present at the day of judgement" Intones Doctor Jackson thoughtfully as he chews on his pen, and we all turn to face him.
"Yeah well I think he, she, it, whatever just made his own day of judgement, and everyone got judged...everyone" Grumbles the Colonel, sinking low in his chair, and I can clearly see fatigue setting in.
Jackson merely nods, and Major Carter also starts to sag. They glance at each other briefly, and I can only wonder at what they went through to get home, and the method that they used to let us know it was them was certainly inventive! When the gate opened Jackson was sure it was the missing Major and Colonel, but that wasn't going to be enough, and then we heard it. There came the distinctive sound of something not quite reintegrating and we all winced. It wasn't big enough to be a person, and more sounds followed, and I turned to look at Jackson to see if I'd heard correctly. Teal'c, as could be expected simply looked confused, but Jackson started to grin.
"Its them!"
His pleading eyes bored into, and I had to admit that it was unlikely an alien would know that particular rhythm.
"How can you be sure Daniel Jackson?" Asked Teal'c, and Jackson started to bang his knuckles on the top of the monitor in front of him, repeating the rhythm again and again.
"See Teal'c? 'Shave and a haircut, 2 cents!" Teal'c looks nonplussed, but by now everyone is the control room is looking at me, and I had to make a decision.
"Open the iris"
Seconds later two grubby figures were roughly expelled, and when they finally stood upright it was them, our missing friends, safely home.
"So, we're sure this Goa'uld is dead?"
The Colonel ad Major glance at each other, and the Colonel shrugs his tired shoulders as he looks at me.
"You saw how violently we were flung out of the gate, if we'd waited any longer the explosion might have been enough to send us somewhere else, she must be dead"
"Okay SG1, its good to have you all together again, and I'm sure you could do with some time to rest, so there will be no missions for you until Friday. Colonel, Major, if you'll report for your full medical, and please stay on base until the end of the week. Dismissed. And with that, they rise and leave. The movements of the Colonel and Major are slow and sluggish, but that is to be expected. They part and go their separate ways at the door without eye contact, and I can't help but notice they've been subdued, and unusually nervous with each other. Still, nothing a good dose of downtime won't fix.
I'm sure of that.
"So I'm free to go?"
"Yes Colonel, you've got the all clear for now, but I recommend you don't go far. I think the General would prefer you stay on base"
"So I'm all clean, no elevated hormones or anything?"
"Well it does look like your hormone levels have been artificially manipulated, but they seem to be within normal limits now, nothing to worry about"
With that she smiles and walks away with my chart, and I ease myself off the bed and onto my feet, my body tender all over due to a myriad of tests and needles and prodding and probing. That's the worst part about having been off-world for an extended period of time, a full no holds barred medical of epic proportions. I sigh and roll my shoulders, and looking around I see that the rest of the infirmary is empty. Its late evening now, and everyone else has no doubt retired to bed with no teams off-world. Sam has long since had her medical, but I was stuck in a meeting for hours with the General, discussing threat reports and all kinds of boring paperwork, and no doubt she's asleep now. Not that I want to talk to her or anything, it's just I like to know where she is, I like to know she's okay.
I step away towards the infirmary door, and as I pause to say goodbye to the Doc my hand comes into contact with the bottle still hanging at my waist. I stop and think for a moment, my thoughts all over the place, and then I step back over to Frasier's office, and I stick my head round the door.
"Colonel, something else I can help you with?"
"Uh yeah, as a matter of fact there is. Could you test this water for me, find out if there's anything in it?"
She takes the bottle from my hand and examines it curiously, her face thoughtful as she looks back up at me.
"Looking for anything in particular?" She asks, eyebrows raised.
"Ah...not really no, just let me know if you find anything"
"No problem Colonel, I'll let you know"
And with that I say my goodbyes and leave the infirmary, my mind buzzing with a whole lot of things I told myself I wasn't gonna think about. I round the corner then to find Daniel and Lucy outside my quarters, and when they see me they smile and walk over and I do the same.
"All better?" Daniel smirks, and I rub at my abused behind giving him a glare.
"Yeah just great thanks, you just hanging around to hassle me?"
"Well Sam's asleep and I thought you could do with some company" He says, and his eyes flick to Lucy as his smile falters slightly. I raise my eyebrows slightly to enquire, but he just waves his hands between Lucy and I again then takes a step backward.
"But...I can see you tomorrow, and I'm sure you two have some...ah...catching up to do" With those last words he looks at me with an indefinable expression and leaves, and Lucy and I are left alone. She beams up at me with those green eyes and I smile, opening my quarters and letting her precede me. She stands just inside the door, looking up at me, and I swallow deeply before I walk into her open arms.
I draw a deep, sweet breath into my lungs and shade my eyes with my hand against the harsh light, hugging my jacket closely around me as I shiver a little from the cold. It was summer when we left Earth last, and it's autumn now.
We've been gone so long.
Glad though I was to see the SGC, as soon as we were cleared to leave I drove out and further up the mountain, just to get a look at this world I'd missed so very much. We've been stuck on base for almost a week now, and I've been desperate to get some fresh air, and hopefully a little perspective. It's so quiet up here, so very quiet. Well it was. I drove up here so I could get a little air, have a little time to think, to see the world I love so much again, and just be alone. And I haven't managed to do any of those things, especially the being alone part. I had already said a quick goodbye to Reebin on the base and I just had to get out of there and get up here, to think, and he came to find me. If I was perfectly honest I set myself up to be found, but Reebin wasn't the one I wished would come after me. God I hate it when I betray myself like that, I don't want anyone to come after me, I want to be alone, but again I've put myself in a position to be hurt, way to go Sam. So anyway I was simply standing admiring the view when a USAF jeep pulled up and Reebin leapt out of the passenger side. He stopped and looked around for a while, and I could tell even without looking that he was impressed. The continent where he lives on his world was mostly flat, and he had never seen mountains before. I had so wanted to say goodbye on base and leave it like that, but he wouldn't have it, and so I had to say goodbye again, make him understand.
I'm sorry Reebin.
I feel bad about sending him away like I did, it's not his fault. I mean, a relationship of any kind with him would be hard enough to sustain when we're both so different, and are even living on different planets, but I couldn't be involved with anyone right now. Not when I still have these feelings twisting around inside of me. Not when I still...I hear a car pull up on the road behind me, and I sigh. Reebin's already driven away twice and come back just to check in case I had changed my mind. The first time he did it I almost wondered if I had, but when I sent him away that time I knew I was doing the right thing. Maybe not for the right reason, but definitely the right thing. God if that's him again his driver must be getting annoyed. The door opens and closes and for a while that's the only sound. I take a deep breath and prepare myself. No Reebin, I've made up my mind. Please. I turn my gaze out over the hill and the wind whips my hair up and it blows into my face. It's gotten long. I push the hair out of my eyes and I suppose I should go and get it cut. It just reminds me of that other place. The gravel crunches them as someone walks across it, and I clutch my arms around myself as the person approaches.
"Carter?"
I spin to look over my shoulder, and Jack, all bundled up in a warm jacket and a scarf with his hands jammed into his pockets comes up to my side to share the view, a borrowed jeep sitting on the road behind me. He takes a deep breath of the crisp clean air and gazes out over Colorado Springs. I have to suck in a deep breath when I look at him, because I've rarely seen him since we got back. I've seen him in briefings and in the infirmary and in the commissary once or twice when he's insisted that SG1 eat together, but never alone. I haven't gone out of my own to avoid him, and I don't think he has either, but somehow we've managed to stay apart, and I think under the circumstances its probably for the best, giving us some space. I know he's been made to stay on base with me though, and I must say I'm glad, because I was glad just knowing he was somewhere close, and somewhere safe. He takes another deep breath, shading his eyes from the bright sunlight and I turn to look at him.
"Sir?"
He continues to stare, and then he turns and glances around him, as if expecting someone else to be there.
"Reebin gone?" He asks, looking down over the edge once more.
"Yeah...eventually"
"Boy's persistent huh?"
"Yeah" I smile. "His world are so pleased that we saved him that they have offered to join us in out fight against the Goa'ulds. And Reebin will most likely be made their ambassador to us"
"Hey that's good huh? You'll get to see more of him"
"Yeah..." I reply, letting my voice trail off.
He's silent for a moment, then the roadside gravel crunches again as he takes two steps closer.
"You don't sound too happy about that" He states.
"He...he wants..."
He stands stiffly looking out, and I don't even know why I'm telling him this, why I even want to tell him this.
"He wants more, more than friendship...from me..."
His posture remains the same, but his face scrunches up for a few seconds as he digests that information. It doesn't matter what he thinks, we know there's nothing between us, but I can tell he's still protective of me when it comes to Reebin.
"And what do you want?" He asks, twisting towards me for a minute, but his eyes never straying from the view. I don't answer him. I can't answer him because I don't even know the answer myself
"From him..." He adds quickly, as he pulls his hands from his pockets and rubs then together. Nice clarification Jack...nicely done. What do I want from Reebin? Nothing...just his gentle, trusting friendship, nothing more, nothing less. Let's stick to the truth shall we? I copy his pose and warm my hands, then turn to my left to watch his reaction from the corner of my eye.
"Nothing"
"Nothing?"
"Nothing" I turn to face him, and I refuse to elaborate until he looks at me. He turns slowly and raises his eyebrows, waiting for details. I sigh...why do I feel like I have to give him details? And why does he feel he deserves them?
"I like him, but only as a friend. He's a friend sir, nothing more"
He nods once, then turns back to the scenery. Great...this, whatever this is, is like pulling teeth. I wish he hadn't come. Obviously he feels we need to talk, or at least get back into the habit of talking. We've hardly said two words to each other since we came home, and mostly because neither of us have had anything to say. We said it all. He says something then. Something soft, not meant for my ears, but I hear it. 'Good' he said. 'Good'...How dare he...how dare he be happily involved with Lucy and still deny me anything? I turn sharply away as his jaw moves, as the sight of those muscles flexing just reminds me too much of what it felt like to kiss him. He puts a hand out to pull me round, and it burns right through my uniform and scalds me. I try and pull away but he pulls me roughly against him, his face drawn, eyebrows down, looking angry and hurt and confused. What is he trying to do, is he trying to make my life a misery? Or is he just going to shout at me and command me to pull myself together and get on with it, just deal with it? He reaches a hand for my cheek, but I jerk away step slowly backwards out of reach before he can touch me. I don't think I'd be able to hold myself together if he touched me.
"How's Lucy?" I ask, my voice betraying my deliberate attempt to cause him pain, and guilt, but his face only looks even more confused, and more than a touch hurt. It doesn't feel nice does it Jack, does it? But it seems I am just trying to get myself hurt even more by forcing the subject. Do I really need to hear him say he loves and wants her and not me? Well maybe I do, and maybe I need him to hurt me, maybe I'm getting used to it.
"She's fine as far as I know" He says, looking only confused now, and his voice is quiet and meek, his eyes deep and pleading.
What kind of horrible thing is that to say? As far as he knows? He really sounds like the caring boyfriend doesn't he? He brings his hands up to sketch the air, but they form nothing cohesive, and his voice falters.
"Well...things have been...I haven't really...I...we..."
He turns away, and I can tell he's seriously contemplating leaving, just because he's lost control off the argument. Well what did he come up here for? Just to gloat that I'm alone and he's not? He stands fiddling with his scarf and glancing at me, and I get the distinct impression that he wants to say more. So what do I do? Do I wait for him to compose himself? No...no I ask him a question that rather obviously shows him what's really on my mind.
"Have you slept with her?"
Oh nicely done Sam, nicely done...I really should have asked him that question about the weather...Way to ask him exactly what's been praying on your mind this last week. Why don't you just tell him that you haven't been able to sleep with the thought of them naked in each others arms haunting me whenever I close my eyes? He whirls around, and his hands fall from his neck. Luckily though he doesn't stop to think before he speaks either, and his next words come out in a rush, with what might even pass as a hurt expression.
"Since we got back?...No. How could I?"
"She's your girlfriend Sir"
"Sam..."
"Sir...we're home now...and I think it would probably be..."
"She's not my girlfriend, not anymore..." He says a little sadly, and jams his hands back in his pockets. I stare at him open mouthed, but he simply shrugs, turning away, and I'm surprised at how dismissive he seems over this subject.
"What...what happened?" I ask, my heart thumping in my chest, and he takes a deep breath and shrugs again, before throwing me a glance and scrunching his face.
"Its just over. We were having a few problems anyway and decided to give it a rest for a little while, see how things go and try and sort 'em out later. I guess neither of us were very impressed that I never thought about her once when we were away" He says, scuffing at the dusty earth with a newly polished boot. I just nod and look away, and he raises his head and squints at some large birds in the distance. He never thought about her? Not once? Well that would certainly indicate some problems. It's not his fault though, we were all going through a lot, a hell of a lot, and there were plenty of...distractions. Its somehow typical though, looks like we're both on our own now, and it doesn't make any difference, no difference at all. I...don't want him to push Lucy away because of me, I don't want to get in the way of his happiness. Maybe once things have settled back down to normal and we start to forget he'll get back together with her, and they'll sort things out. Things will get back to normal, just like they always do...only...only this time was a little different from the others wasn't it Sam? We didn't just flirt a little, hear from or kiss alternate selves, no this was more. We admitted our feelings, we made our choices, we talked for hours that night, and we came to the only conclusions that we could, there could be no other choice, none at all. I wish...I wish that talking was the only thing we did that night, but it wasn't. Oh God no it wasn't.
We made love.
I know it was wrong, and under the circumstances it was probably the worst, stupidest thing to do, but at the time, and in so many other ways it was so very right. I wanted him, he wanted me. No, no I needed him, and at that moment he needed me too. The kiss was desperate and frantic and harsh, but what followed could not have been more different. It's a painfully sweet memory, and tears prick at my eyes at the very thought. I don't even have to remember details to feel the pervading warmth caused by the memory of his gentle, warm, caressing hands on my bare sensitive skin. The memory is so fresh in my mind, the tears start to flow again, and the pain at loving and losing him aching in my chest.
The goodbye kiss we shared lasted a long time, and I refused to end it, as did he. I don't think either of us wanted to be responsible for making that break, that last goodbye. Instead his hands moved to cup my face, and then one of them slid caressingly down my neck and T-shirt, his fingertips brushing my breasts through the thin material, making me gasp. His other hand cupped my head, his long fingers becoming entangled in my hair while he held me in the kiss, his free hand moved back up and under the flap of my jacket and up to my shoulder, then gently pushed the heavy material to the ground. I did the same to him, and we slowly and almost reverently divested each other of our clothes. The burning fires and flickering lights cast a dancing diffuse red glow over our now naked bodies, and he took me in his arms and gently laid me down on a ragged carpet of our own discarded uniforms, quite symbolic now I come to think about it.
I just let myself go with it, because although it was something I so desperately wanted, I knew inside that it was only sex. It was comforting, and needy, and so very gentle and sensual, and it was goodbye. Our lips were in contact throughout, and we never broke that kiss. It was almost as though our making love was merely a natural extension of that kiss, and I knew as soon as the kiss ended so would we. Inside I felt a small twinge of guilt, and pain that he was betraying Captain Hayes...Lucy...but at that moment I also know that I would never have stopped, not for anything. And so we loved each other, and at the end, the very end when he held me so very tight, he gently pulled his lips away, and pressing his cheek against mine he whispered into my ear on the tail end of a long, heated breath.
"Oh Sam..."
And I held him tight, and I held him through the night and I never let him go, and I still haven't. It wasn't just sex, I wasn't just a woman, and I wasn't just some focus for weeks of pent up frustration and the by-product of his drug addled brain. I was Sam. I was Sam to him. He made love to Sam, and in that moment, and from here on in, he became Jack to me. Never outwardly, and never to his face, but I could no longer refer to him as 'Colonel' in my head, the man I loved and was loved by so fiercely, for one, long, night.
Jack.
I love you Jack.
Oh God...I never thought such a sweet memory could be so painful. Bittersweet then...bittersweet.
"What do you want sir?" I ask him, sick of this empty feeling in my stomach, and knowing that him leaving is the only thing that will get rid of it, at least for a little while. He doesn't answer me at first, and eventually I have to turn and look at him. He's standing with his hands slack by his side, and his brown eyes show only hurt, and pain as he looks at me, but he quickly scrunches the expression away. I just observe this idly, and he starts to look distinctly uncomfortable. He rubs the back of his neck for a moment, then looks away, and eventually the constant pressure of my gaze makes him speak.
"I...I just wanted to make sure you're okay" He says, and at his soft words I feel any annoyance at his presence slip away. Still, it took him to wait till Lucy dumped him before he came to see if I was alright. Ah...I didn't mean it, I believe what he told me about her, and I'm glad he still cares for me enough to check up on me. Was he worried I was going to take of or something? Maybe run away? Not my style Jack, just not my style.
"You kinda rushed off, and you know Janet has set a max distance for us. If I get any further away alarms will go off over the complex and SF's will be swarming the place in minutes" He says with a twisted smile, and I laugh. Of course I laugh, its what I do isn't it? Major Samantha Carter always laughs at Colonel Jack O'Neill's jokes, and that's who we are now, Major and Colonel. I've even tried to call him Colonel in my head once more, but I don't think I'll ever stop referring to him as Jack to myself, not ever. I nod to give him some sort of reaction, and he scuffs his shoes again. Time to change the subject I think.
"Did they try and send a probe again?"
He starts to speak before his mind recognises the swift change, but he at least seems glad we are talking.
"Yeah, we just sent a probe through and it didn't make it. Looks like Meshkent did a real job on the place"
"Do you think he's still alive out there? With Rosay?" I ask, and this is a question I really do want the answer to.
"Nah I doubt it. Even if she, he...it...and some of the others managed to get outside, from what Daniel tells is it isn't the nicest planet, and without the gate its unlikely they'll survive. They probably all died in the explosion"
"Probably..."
"Its for the best, I don't think I like the idea of Meshkent being out there" He says, his voice fading away as he watches the view. An awkward silence falls on us then, and though I want to leave, there's something I have to get out of the way first.
"Oh, I've something to give you back" I say, and he takes a step forward and looks confused.
I fish in my pocket for a moment, and finding what I'm looking for I pull out my hand and hold out his cap, but this time there is no delight on his face at its return, in fact his brows crease together, and he looks slightly annoyed. He takes it from my hands fiercely and examines it closely, carefully adjusting the size slider at the back and brushing some dust from the peak. He shakes it out one time, then his other hand snakes out suddenly and clamps my shoulder, yanking me towards him. He holds me firmly with that hand, then pulls the cap on me from back to front, smoothing my hair down as he goes.
"It's always been yours" He says with a tight smile before taking a step back to his former position, and I know he's not talking about the hat. I put my hand on top of the hat briefly, feeling the soft nap, then I take a hold of the peak, and drag it from my head. I hold it in my hands for a brief second and just look at it, then I carefully fold it away back into my pocket. Jack just looks confused and disappointed. What did he expect me to do? Does he think giving me his cap is going to make up for anything? Maybe his heart was mine, but only for one night. Sure I'll keep his hat, but that's all it is Jack, a hat, just another reminder of what we could never have. I zip my jacket up to my neck and sweep some stray hair from my eyes and shift my weight on my feet. Jacks eyes change then suddenly, and he takes two steps forward and reaches for my arm.
"Sam..." He starts, but I hold up a hand, and back away. I have to go, I have to end this. What's the point in going over and over this old ground, its just not worth it. He stopped me. It is hard to keep on speaking when someone grabs you, spins you around and kisses you soundly. I push half heartedly at him but he takes no notice. Once he decided he'd kissed me thoroughly enough he let me go and stepped back, a strange sad little smile on his lips, his tongue tracing them, no doubt tasting me as he stood and just watched me. We already said goodbye Jack, can't we just leave it at that? Please? Are you going to make me go through this for a second time?
"Look, Sam, there's one thing you have to know"
I step away, trying to leave but he just keeps coming after me. Please...stop it...
"Sam, I had Janet test the water I brought back, and it wasn't drugged. The drugs must have been in the food, so that night..."
I stop. Is that what he thinks? Does he think I was only eager to love him because I was all drugged up with hormones? If there was one thing I was drugged on it was him, and I have never needed chemicals to feel that way.
"I know what I did sir, and if this is where you tell me it didn't happen then I really don't want to..." He grabs me again, spinning me around, and his face is livid.
"Sam!" He says, obviously angry, and although I know I did go too far by saying what I did, I'm angry too and all I want him to do is leave me alone. He doesn't need to warn me off like this, I'm not going to pester him or hang around him or anything, he really needn't worry at all! I...I know what we said but if he just...I mean I...oh God if he asked me, if he whisked me away...But he's not going to, is he? Yeah so maybe he's not on the best terms with Lucy right now, but they'll make up, I'm sure they will, and I'll just try and get on with my life, without him. I've thought seriously about leaving altogether, but I couldn't come up with a reason for the others and the General.
"...just leave it sir, please, what does it matter?"
And I turn away, away from those hurt brown eyes, away from the pain I keep causing him.
What does it matter?
What does it matter?
Thanks Sam, I mean personally I kind of thought it mattered quite a hell of a lot. It may have been a very stupid move for me to come here, in fact, yes, it was altogether a stupid move, regardless of the outcome. Perhaps it would be better for the both of us if she simply told me where to get off and we both went our separate, safe, ways. No danger in that. Sure maybe a little awkwardness for a while, but hell we've gotten over things like that before. I mean there was Kynthia, Laira, and the whole other Carter's thing, and we always just got on with things. Okay yeah so this is a little different, I mean I did sleep with her after all.
I don't know why I came here.
When I heard she'd left the base to go get some air I just had to come after her. While we were both stuck on base it was okay, I felt safe, safe knowing she was somewhere close by, even if we hardly said a word to each other since we got back. It was enough for me just knowing she was near. It was a bit strange at first, being apart from her, and when I heard she had left I felt I had to come after her, in case...in case she took off and never came back. Stupid I know, but the thought of it scared the hell out of me and...and I just had to see her...God I keep trying to think of something I can say, some words that will get through to her. I know there's something, something I've heard recently, but I just can't bring them to mind. I shouldn't have come.
I don't know what I was expecting from her, but if I'm being truthful it's going just how I thought it would. I opened my mouth and stuck my foot right in it. And then she told me about Reebin. And then I just got jealous and stupidly grabbed at her, and she...she pushed me away.
She pushed me away.
So I did then what any dumb male does and stomped off. I only made it halfway to the car, and I knew I wasn't going anywhere. Damn but I can't do or say anything right can I? Sam remains turned away from me, but her shoulders are hunched now, and they shake a little. Well. This has not been my best day. Right now I'm no-one's favourite person. I didn't like what I had to do, and I didn't like what I had to say to her but....but it was for the best. I know that, she knows that. At least I think she knows that. Sam...Sam you just gotta understand...if you'll let me tell you, let me explain. Ah hell...a lot of things have changed since we've been away, and a lot of things have stayed the same. I've stayed the same. I'm still the same stupid guy I was before.
Yeah I'm stupid.
I spent the last four hours before coming up here sitting in the observation room waiting for Reebo to arrive at the SGC and go back through the gate. Alith had pretty much recovered from her injuries and had been sent home the day before, and today was Reebo's departure day, and he wasn't on time. When he was ten minutes late I wasn't surprised, when he was half an hour late I was angry, and when he was two hours late I was afraid. But he turned up, and then he left through the gate, and I even took a minute to shake his hand and thank him for his help. He smiled genuinely and clapped me on the shoulder, and I was surprised and just a little disappointed when the anger and rage and insane jealousy didn't come. Yeah I'm clean now remember? No extra hormones, and inside I actually found a little part of me that liked this guy. I know he's not a bad guy, but I guess he's been suffering from Martouf syndrome, and we all know what that is. Well I get on just fine with Marty these days, so maybe it'll just take time. Time and him staying the hell away from Sam...
Oh I definitely haven't changed.
I made love to Sam on that planet. I made love to her and now I'm all churned up inside. I try and tell myself that it was the circumstances and the hormones, but then the rest of my mind shouts 'bullshit!' and I know I'm fighting a losing battle. It's a bit of a waste of time trying to talk myself out of things like this, I mean the worst is over, I practically told her I love her already. Yeah and I already know her thoughts about that. 'Oh I'd like to Jack but we can't, and I won't' I think that was the basics of it. But something inside me won't give up, and no matter how hard I try I just can't let go. I can't let her go.
I just can't escape the thought of her, no matter what I do to try and distract myself. When I close my eyes all I can see is her. I see her laugh, I see her smile, and I see her writhe beneath me, blue eyes meeting mine, her perfect pale skin highlighted by flickering flames. When I cover my ears I hear her laugh, and I hear her whisper my name like a gentle prayer as I make slow love to her. And when I tuck my hands under my arms I can still feel her. I feel the warmth of her, the softness of her, the beauty of her, and all these things combine in my mind to give me a complete picture of Sam in my head. But it's only in my head...and that's just not enough, it's just not enough dammit!
So I sat there fuming, and eventually Reebin showed up, and came across the control room to talk to me. I just stared out the gate, and eventually he just sighed and did the same.
"I am leaving now Jack, its time I returned home"
I nod in his direction, and he steps up to my side.
"I look forward to visiting Jack, and I want you to know you are all welcome on my planet any time"
I nod again, and he follows my gaze to the gate. Does he know I'm willing him to get the hell through it?
"I will miss Sam" He says suddenly, honestly, and I turn to see his sad face.
"I would like to spend more time with her" He adds quietly, and I whirl away from him, my fists bunching at my sides.
Doesn't he realise how hard it is for me, to have him talk about her that way? Oh I'd like nothing better than to smack him in the face for even thinking about her in that way, but how can I condemn him for the very thing I'm torturing myself with? He sighs then, and steps in frotn of me, forcing me to look at him.
"Jack, the drugs were responsible for a lot. They made us both, all three of us act in ways we would not normally, but they can only account for so much. I like Sam, I like her a lot, and I could very, very easily fall in love with her"
He turns to see my face but I stay staring out of the gateroom, my teeth clenched so hard I fear that when I unclench them they may fall out. I don't want to hear this Reebo, I just don't want to hear it. He sighs and faces away again.
"On that planet I found friendship Jack, and the start of some new relationships, and what I thought could be something more. What did you find Jack?"
I turn sharply away. Why is he doing this to me? I don't even understand what he's talking about...
"Did you find friendship there?"
I think of poor Jima, and Alith, and then I think of him and Rosay, and how very wrong I was. Friendship? Did I find friendship there? Would I count Reebin as a friend? I know Sam would.
"Uh...I met some good people" I spare him a glance and then turn away when he nods. That's all the concession you're gonna get from me.
"Did you find love there?"
I spin on my heels to face him, and his face looks oddly strained as he looks up at me. What the hell is he talking about, and what the hell does he know? My mouth starts to work, but no words come out, well what the hell am I supposed to say? I can lie and say no, therefore giving him a free reign, or I can go against the regulations and mine and Sam's choice and say yes, just to keep him away from her. I eventually choose to say nothing. Reebin gets up from the desk and holds out his hand in farewell, having finally realised that I don't want to have a conversation with him. I take it carefully and return his firm shake, allowing a small smile to form on my face in response to his.
"Take care of yourself Jack"
"You too Reebin" I can allow him that much, I don't want the guy dead. Well, let's just say if he's gonna die, then I want to be at my hands. We leave the room as Simmons enters to dial up Reebin's home planet, and walk down to the gateroom. I'm more than a little surprised that Sam isn't here to see him off, and he catches me swinging my head about and pauses at the bottom of the ramp.
"We've already said goodbye" He says softly, and I can't help but narrow my eyes at him. He shakes his head a little and turns away, and the gate starts to spin. Reebin continues to face the gate and I pull at my collar and have a look around the room. There's no-one else here but us, and I actually feel a little guilty that there's no-one else here to see him off. The gate stops spinning then, and the outsplash fills the room with a pale blue light, and when it recedes Reebin takes a step up the ramp. He takes two more, stops, then slowly turns to face me, his face regretful, as if he's about to do something he might regret.
"Jack, friendship you can find anywhere, and lust can be drug induced. I had a friend once Jack, who tried to take his relationship with his new love to another level by taking her on holiday to a famous beautiful spot in my country. It's supposedly one of the most romantic spots on my entire world"
I open to mouth to ask him what the hell he's talking about, and he raises my hand to ask to continue. I let him. Hopefully if I let him talk now he'll never come back.
"He went there looking for love Jack, hoping somehow to find it there with her, hoping that somehow the most romantic place in the whole world would somehow make it happen for him and his girlfriend, make them fall in love"
"Reebin..." I'm getting bored already, and I may need to go shove him through he gate. Thankfully Simmons has already left us to it, so no-one need know...
"But he didn't find it, they didn't find it. It doesn't work that way Jack, and it never will. Do you know what he told me when he returned, alone?
"I tilt my head impatiently, hands on my hips, and he takes that as a no.
"He told me that when he was there, he met a man. An old man who had lived there for many, many years and seen many, many couples do the same as my friend, come looking for love, looking to somehow create something out of not very much"
"Look Reebin..."
"Let me finish. Do you know what that man said Jack?"
Oh alright...maybe if I play along with him he'll go quicker.
"No...tell me"
"He told my friend that many people came to this place looking for love, and many of them failed. They believed that somehow this place would create that love, make it flourish, and the old man knew better"
"Wrap it up Reebin..."
"That old man knew a truth Jack, a truth that you need to hear. All those people came to this place looking for love, but like the old man said to my friend Jack, 'If you don't bring it here with you, then you will not find it here"
My mouth shuts by itself, and I can't think of anything to say. I...I don't...what's that story meant to tell me? I... Reebin turns on his heel then and walks up the ramp, pausing at the event horizon to look back.
"So what did you find on that planet Jack? Only so many things were the product of the circumstances, if you found anything else there, then you must have brought it with you"
And with that he was gone.
And he was right. Damn him but he was right. Ever since I set foot back on Earth I've been lying to myself right, left and centre, and I think even I was beginning to believe it. I tried to tell myself that the reason I couldn't even bring myself to kiss Lucy much less go to bed with her was because I was still somehow traumatised from all that time away. Bullshit. I couldn't do those things because I would have felt guilty, and for the wrong reasons. And it wasn't even just that, I couldn't do those things because I didn't want to, because it felt wrong, simply because she was the wrong person.
The wrong person.
So I came after Sam, not even really knowing the reason why other than I couldn't let her go without me. Well Jack, we're not joined at the hip anymore, and we're certainly not bunking together so I have no damn right to pester her. The strangest thing is, I keep feeling there's something I want to tell her, say to her, and eventually I figure out what I'm trying to remember. It...it was something Rosay said, some line she spouted when Daniel was confronting her in the gateroom, it was something I agreed with at the time, because I always felt it was something I was trying to live by. I turn away to try and muster my thoughts, and when I turn back Sam is leaving.
She starts to walk away into the trees, trailing through the long lush grass, and it feels like my heart is being crushed and dragged and deformed by her boots, each broken blade another . Not a nice feeling. She starts slowly up the worn dirt path, and I just stand there, feeling stupid and useless and utterly without direction. It's an altogether new feeling for me. Normally I always know the next move, always now what I'm going to do, or at least have some options, no matter how dumb, but now...nothing. Just nothing. The part of my brain that deals with that kind of stuff just feels empty, blank, and I don't know what to do. I get in these situations very, very rarely, and in the last few years I've relied on one of three people to get me out. Well one, Teal'c's knowledge of the Goa'uld isn't gonna help here, and Daniel's boundless archaeological knowledge isn't gonna do much either. I watch Sam's back as she continues to walk, and I guess her tech knowledge isn't what I need either. But that's not all she ever gave me, in my few moments of indecision she's always provided me with something else, something subtle. No matter what situations we've been in, she's always looked at me like I knew what I was doing, even when I didn't, even when I opened by big, dumb mouth and got us in more trouble. She always trusted in me, I could feel that trust emanating from her, that support, that belief...the belief that even though I resisted or disagreed, that I would always do the right thing.
The right thing.
Only there's two right things involved here, and they don't exactly go together. The first is the right thing for our careers, for our teammates, the base, the program, whatever, and the other is what's best for us, for me and Sam. I care about the first one, I really do, but I'm old enough and well travelled enough now to realise that number two is more important to me, but if it isn't to her, then what choice do I have? Love is a two sided thing, and if she doesn't want me then I can't have her. Shitty I know, but that's the way it works.
"Sam" I call one last desperate time, and she stops for a second, then just shakes her head. Ah damn, why can I remember Rosay's words? Why can't I remember? If I could only make her see, if I could show her we could do this, somehow, that it was worth the risk. But I don't even know if it is do I? Whatever we 'have' or 'had' wasn't exactly based on the healthiest of situations, and that's certainly no guarantee that it'll work out here, in the real world.
I'm lost, I'm lost and I don't know what to do. I'm about to run after and try and hold her in my selfish arms when both of our pagers go off, and looking down I have a message. Its from the General calling me and doubtless Sam back in for a planning briefing for our next spate of missions starting Friday. Sam jogs off to her car without a backward glance, and as she gets in I simply stand in the road and watch her, feeling like this is my last chance.
"Sam! Sam please come and see me after the briefing, please!" But she's gone. She's gone in more ways than one. Her car pulls away, heading back to the base, and I'm about to do the same when my pager goes again, and I look down to see a message from Lucy, wanting to meet.. I take a deep breath of sweet Earth air, then go to my car and prepare to head back to the base. I slump into my seat and close the door, but before I head off I take out my phone and dial Lucy's cell phone number.
<
"Hey, its me..."
Ugh.
Mustering my strength I heave a large stone panel off my torso and struggle, gasping, to sit up. My chest aches and wheezes and I just there for a while and let the now rarefied air fill my lungs. The dust stirred by my movements slowly starts to settle, and I let it descend and close my eyes as it peppers my eyelids and covers me in a lazy sheet of silt that tickles my nose.
~ *My* nose ~
No, it's my nose, and I'll thank you to be quiet. My host falls silent once more and I lie quietly on my back for a few hours, and eventually my body feels ready to move.
~ *My* body ~
I'm afraid its actually *our* body now, so you better get used to it. The host grumbles once and drifts away, and I ready my muscles and pull myself upright, maybe letting her out wasn't such a good idea after all...
Moving slowly I avoid all the debris and make it to some flat ground where only a part of a floor still survives. Once there I stretch to my full height, working out any kinks and pushing my unruly hair back behind my ears. That done I climb the nearest pile of stone and brick and machinery and have a first look at my surroundings.
Nice place.
Most of the complex was destroyed in the chain of explosions, and now only a few rooms and walls survive, creating the impression that this is a city long ruined. The barren landscape stretches out in all directions, a shapeless formless tundra of windblown dust and shallow half-hearted dunes that fight each other for supremacy, stealing height and substance from one another, using the harsh, low winds as accomplices. The rising sun casts a sheen on the dirty sand, and here and there metallic towers and shards stick out of the desert looking like the long lost bones of some alien skeleton. In the hazy red light one could almost think this planet was beautiful, but I do not. This place is entirely as 'pleasant' as I thought it would be on the outside.
~You made it this way~
Actually no, I didn't. My fathers maybe, and their father's, but not me. You can't blame the son for the crimes of his ancestors.
~Why not?~
It just doesn't work like that. I have their memories, but not their sensibilities. I have changed.
~And now suddenly you're the font of all knowledge and justice? Spare me. You killed my people~
Yeah well you did a pretty good job of clearing up the survivors didn't you?
That quietens her, and I feel her presence move away, and settle in a dark corner. In time we may yet come to coexist, but until then, we shall doubtless battle on a daily basis. I sigh then, and move across the rubble in a random direction, trying to get my bearings in the face of this total destruction. A fitting grave for my brothers and sisters don't you think?
The day of judgement has come and has passed, and all that is left is hope. I hear a quiet phrase in the back of my head then, and grudgingly have to agree with it. Rosay's ideals may be all over the place, but some of her mantra's are spot on.
"If you have hope, you must be prepared to fight for what you hope for"
A good motto to live your life by I think. But to live a life, first one must have a life. With that thought I continue across the shifting sands.
It's all over now.
I knew it would be, one way or the other, and though I know the next few months are gonna be hard I'll get through it, I guess we both will. We have to after all, there's no other choice, not for us. To be honest I wasn't sure how it was gonna turn out, but if I'd been entirely honest, nah...that's not true, I had no idea. I tried one way, I tried another, and then I came to my damn senses and took the only real option, and so did she.
Its difficult being home, in lot's of little ways, and hell the food is just as bad as ever. Mind you, I've never felt more grateful for my lumpy standard issue bed than I am right now. Sure it's small and it creaks, and the mattress is more than a little limp but it's certainly better than I've had for a while. The sheets are starchy too, and the pillows a little flaccid for my taste, but hell its home. Home. I stretch out my legs and reach a hand down to scratch an itch through the rough material of my fatigue pants. My jacket lies discarded on the chair beside me, and my bare arms send me a million little messages of the things they can feel, the many things that remind me of home. Old familiar things...well, most of them. I shift a little to find comfort, then try and settle quietly.
"Stop movin'" Comes a sleepy voice, and I grin and tighten my arms around her waist. She was waiting for me after the briefing outside my quarters with a nervous smile on her face, as if she thought I was going to push her away, tell her it's not her that I want, but someone else. Why she would think that I have no idea. She looked so uncertain there, so unsure, and I know our conversation of earlier had hurt her when we called it a day. I grin again as she snuggles further into my chest, curling her fingers around the material of my T-shirt, her bare feet covering my own. Her head tucks under my chin and her soft hair tickles my nose, making me sniffle. She giggles but tries to hide it with her hand and I tickle her briefly under her arms, making her squirm and bringing her body squarely on top of me, her nose meeting mine. I try to tickle her again but she grabs my hands, and admonishes me soundly.
"There'll be none of that mister" She says, her eyes bleary, and she looks at me warily as if she's spoken out of turn, making me roll her off and clutch her against my side. She's so warm, so very warm just like always, and I can't keep this big grin off my face.
"Go back to sleep you" I whisper, and she kicks me soundly in the shin before settling down again.
"Love you" I whisper into her hair, my tongue feeling strangely heavy and languid as I try those words out on her for the first time. I think they fit rather nicely. It's taken me long enough to get there but over the last few months we've spent together I know now that there's no-one else for me, and there could never be, no matter how much I've strayed lately. I don't know why I thought I loved her, I guess its just the things we've been through together, and I guess I saw some of her in me.
"Love you" She answers as she looks into my eyes, then her eyes close sleepily, and she relaxes against me, releasing a long breath.
She finally seems to give in to sleep, and I just lie and stare at the roof, and think about how things have turned out. I'm just about to sleep myself when there comes a soft rap at the door, and I carefully ease my way out from under her sleep heavy body, smiling absently as she spreads out across the bed and cuddles the pillow in her arms. Huh, stealing the covers just like always. I open the door a crack still grinning then gasp a little when I see her standing there, smiling gently at me. I forgot...oh I asked her to come didn't I? I carefully ease myself out the door, scratching at my chest and yawning to show I've just been asleep, and her face falls a little when I don't invite her in.
"I...I brought these"
She hands me a few things that belong to me, some things I'd loaned her, or even given her, and I take them slowly, feeling the pain as she is effectively shutting me out of her life, trying to forget about me. Well that's gonna be hard to do, I'll see you every day, and after all we've been through how the hell do you expect me to do that? I thought we had something, I thought we had some kind of a future together, I really did. I think these things, but I don't tell her that, I just can't. God this is going to be so difficult. When I opened the door and saw her I thought she had changed her mind, that she wanted me, that she still wanted to be with me despite everything, but we made our decisions, and I've chosen someone else, and I can see she still believes its for the best. It is, I know it is, but a part of me is still hurting, a part of me will miss her being close to me like I've gotten used to. I'll miss her, and I'll miss us, but the more I think about it there wasn't really much of an us, was there? I can't lie and say we had a relationship, because we never really had anything of the kind, not really, despite everything.
She smiles at me, and takes a step back, and I thank her quietly before she turns and walks away. I can tell by her face that she knows I have someone in here, and she must know who as well. I mean I told her about our previous decision, I just had to, and well, now she knows we're back together, hopefully this time for good. I carefully close the door behind me and put my few returned possessions down on my small nightstand. Turning I look down at the bed, and see the woman that I love. She moves in her sleep then, her deceptively small form twisting the sheets under her as her hands reach and clutch for a missing something...me. I ease myself down on the bed beside her, trying not to make it squeak, but still she half wakes and turns to face me. One pant leg is yanked up, and her black tee is all twisted under her, and I can't help but smile as a frown forms on her face and she writhes for a moment to gain some comfort. I slide down beside her, and as if sensing my presence an arm and a leg snake out and cover me, pulling me close, claiming me as hers. I settle quickly into her warm embrace, and her head comes onto my chest and tucks under my shoulder and I sigh. Things are...different now, and certainly much more complicated than they were before between us, but we made a choice, and we chose this. She shifts again in my grip, and I find myself eye to eye with her suddenly, and she smiles.
"Sam, will you just go to sleep?" I tell her, kissing her nose, and finally she listens to me and snuggles tighter, her body relaxing as her breathing finally shifts, and she sleeps. I try and sleep, but I just can't, how can I when Sam is in my arms? So instead I just lie back and marvel at the events that brought her here, that changed her mind.
After going our separate ways on the mountain, under less than perfect circumstances, we met for the briefing, and no matter how much I tried to concentrate on the General's words I just couldn't, I couldn't keep my eyes or my thoughts off Sam, and I could tell she felt exactly the same. This was the first proper planning briefing we'd had since we came back, and finally things were back as they were, only they had also changed irrevocably, and I couldn't stand it. This was what it would be like every day, every single day. I'd be beside her, wanting her, loving her God dammit and I couldn't! That hour seemed to take days to pass, and each single second hurt me, burned me as much as her eyes on the back of my head. I knew then that I just couldn't stand this, there was no way I'd be able to continue in my position, no way I could face her every day. I was a strong man physically, but emotionally I knew I was no Goliath, and when it came to Sam I had absolutely no defences left, and if I couldn't have her, then I had to get as far away from her as possible. Maybe I am a coward and maybe I am weak, but this was one thing I could not deal with, and I knew with a strange certainty that the team would collapse because of us, because of what we'd done and couldn't do again, and I had only one option.
I...I had to retire. Yeah so maybe that would be running away, but it would also be facing up to facts, and leaving Sam alone, which is just what she wanted. I had to do it, but how the hell was I gonna tell the General?
I hastily scratched a few words down on the legal pad in front of me, then absently circled them with a broad sweep of my pen. When I finally glanced down at what I'd written, I saw it was the words, the words that Rosay said that I'd tried so desperately to remember earlier. I just looked at them for a few seconds, weighing them in my mind, and when I glanced up I saw Sam glance quickly away. Why couldn't I remember them when I needed them? Still I turned my attentions away from lamenting over Sam to try and listen to Daniel whittering on about what the MALP had shown, but for some reason the words just wouldn't go away. They kept floating around in my restless brain, taunting me. I used to like to think I lived by these sort of words, I liked to think in a way I was their living embodiment, but its not just down to me, is it? So the briefing ended and we all trouped out, and Sam's form burned her outline onto my retina as she walked past, stopping only at the door to look back at me. Our eyes met then, briefly, and that one shot of electricity and God knows what else was enough to convince me of what I had to do. Whether it made any difference to her or not, whether she hated me for it I didn't care, it just had to be done...I had to retire. No, I'm not a man for backing out, and I never was, never give up that's me, but at that moment I had, and I wanted to. I was just about to ask Hammond if I could have a little chat when the red phone went and he rushed off to his office and closed the door. Well...it could wait. I collected my gear and paused for a second at the scribbled page of worthless notes in front of me, before ripping out the top half of the page and stuffing it in my pocket.
With that I left, and started the slow walk to the lift. I pressed the button for the level with my office, then I stopped and changed my mind, pressing the button for the lab level instead. When the lift stopped and the doors open I stood there for a moment, vaguely confused, then stepped out, the doors closing irrevocably behind me. The corridors were fairly quietly so I took the right fork and walked on, my fingers in my pocket playing absently with the crumpled paper I found there. Turning right again I found myself outside Sam's lab, and as I cautiously stuck my head around the door I found it empty, but her jacket was there and her sandwich box lay open, so she had most likely popped out for something to go with her lunch. Quickly striding in I went to her desk, and fished the paper out of my pocket. I didn't have a clue what the hell I thought I was doing, but I found her pen, and with it I scribbled 'Please come and see me' below my earlier words, then I dropped the pen on the desk, left the paper where it was and practically ran to the lift, not wanting to bang into her on the way.
When I finally made it to my office to tidy up my things I found myself trembling, and felt like an utter fool. How many times does she have to tell you Jack, and what if someone else comes in and finds that note? Stupid, stupid Jack, but it's too late now, she's probably read it already.
I spent the next few hours in my office, pretending to myself that I was working, and I jumped out of my skin every time someone went past, but no one ever came in, and certainly not Sam. Well, I decided to give her until the end of the day to change my mind, and failing that I'd resign tomorrow, and take myself away somewhere, far away. Eventually I'd had enough, and seeing as I was extremely tired I decided to forego driving home, and settle for my quarters instead. Maybe Sam wasn't coming, but I still wanted to be near her, and my home was far too far away, and far too empty. I dumped the last of my notes on my desk and wearily made my way to the next level. Once there I rounded the corner and stopped dead when I saw someone outside my door. Seeing a female figure I thought at first that it was Lucy, come to try and sort things out, but only as my eyes adjusted to the dim light did I see her tousled blonde hair, her blue eyes, and a hand holding a strip of yellow paper. Sam. She was looking steadily at me, and for a while I thought she was gonna bawl me out for trying this on her, but still she waited, so I approached her. She stepped back from the door as I came alongside her, her expression still indefinable, and I opened the door and stepped inside, and she followed. I dropped my jacket on my bed and behind me I heard the door shut, and when I turned around she was standing there, reading the paper she held between two hands.
"I..." She started, but nothing more followed. She dropped the paper onto my nightstand, and brushed at tired eyes with one hand while the other came to rest on her hip. I took a slow step towards her, reading her eyes, and she simply raised her head to look up at me, biting her lip, her eyebrows creased in the middle. I took another step, and still she waited, watching me, waiting for me to do the right thing, the right thing for me, for us, so I did it.
I took a hold of her head in my hands lightly, my fingers pushing through her clean and newly cut hair, and let my thumbs move and brush over her cheekbones. She moved her own hands to my chest and tentatively took a hold of my shirt lapels, her timid face making me smile. Don't be afraid Sam, don't ever be afraid of me, of what I might do, or might not do. Well I know what I gotta do now, and I promise I'm not gonna screw this one up. I gently pulled her towards me till her toes met mine, and she smiled shyly and ducked her head away. This woman...this woman braves new worlds, fights enemies with her last ounce of strength, thinks her way through seemingly unsolvable problems with what's probably one of the best minds on the planet, and can still be rendered shy and coy by the prospect of a kiss. And oh yeah I'm gonna kiss her, there's no doubt about that I thought. I leant forward, letting my heavy lids close, and after a seeming yawning eternity I felt the velvet warmth of her lips touch mine, then cover mine, as she breathed life into me with her kiss.
And that's what happened. I guess she just needed something, anything to break through her resolve, something to get to her, and then she was mine. After that long loving kiss she just rested her sleepy head against me, and I sat on the bed and pulled her down there and into my arms. She was a little hesitant, but I just held her, and here we've been ever since. We haven't really talked much, but I don't really think there's a need. Me writing that note and her coming here and the kiss has kinda said everything we need. And the fact that we're just sharing a warm embrace with our clothes on, that part is pretty clear too, we're taking it slow.
I snuggle closer to her comforting form and watch fascinated as my breath ruffles her hair. I wonder if Roasy and Meshkent survived? My common sense tells me they didn't, but something else is telling me that they're both smart, and with their combined knowledge I'm sure that they got away somehow. Still, hopefully she's not gonna come knocking on our door anytime soon. I don't trust them, either of them half as far as I can throw 'em, but who knows, maybe together they can work something out, do some good, yeah, maybe together, like me and Sam. Huh, listen to you Jack, do you hear the kinda sentimental garbage that's coming out of your mouth? Yeah, I guess this woman in my arms musta be making me all soft. Well, I don't mind, not one little bit. I reach out to flick off the little military issue lamp on my nightstand, and my fingers pause above a little piece of paper from a legal pad. I stretch a little over Sam and pick up the rumpled scrap between thumb and forefinger. Holding it under the light I see the words I'd tried so hard to remember, the words that brought Sam to my door, and into my arms.
"If you have hope, you must be prepared to fight for what you hope for"
Such simple words, and pretty damn general, but they worked nonetheless. I knew what I wanted, and so did she, and pretending we didn't just wasn't going to help, it never does. Denying things to someone else is one thing, but denying it to yourself is even worse, and just leads to more problems.
Ah just leave it Jack, stop dissecting everything, cause that's just not gonna help. I let the paper fall from my fingers, not even watching where it comes to lie as sleep begins to steal along my body, making me feel heavy and sluggish. All the things that stood in our way before haven't changed, they're still there, the only thing that has is our determination to fight them, or at least get around them, in any way that we can, and we will. We'll make sure of that, hell I'll make sure of that.
I stretch out my toes and bury my face in Sam's hair, savouring the clean fresh smell as I relax in the hug. I sigh quietly at the realisation that it is just a hug, but we have both silently decided to take this extremely slowly, and maybe even as far as just a promise for the future, and a hug for now.
Right now that's enough for me, but when tomorrow comes...
There.
I push my sweaty hair away from my face, and start to push my newly revealed prize gently down the stone slope. It goes slowly, the last of the sand and rock debris falling from its surface, and as it finally comes to rest a little squint against some more rocks I take a minute to stretch out my back.
Manual labour, not something I've ever been fond of. I have spent the last few days digging relentlessly on this God forsaken planet, and finally I've found what I've been looking for. I also managed to find some logs, and with the item now carefully balanced on top, I start the very slow process of moving it across the hastily flattened ground, removing logs from behind and placing them in front while simultaneously stopping it from toppling. Finally after many more hours I arrive at my destination and reaching inside the great lump of partially melted metal I change a few switches and return it to its former settings.
There.
With that I rest on the ground, and take a swig of the bottle of water I was able to snag before this place blew, and I hear a gentle nagging at the back of my mind that signals my host has an opinion she wishes to make known.
~Where will you go?~ The voice asks, and I snort as I take another swig of water and scold her.
Well as you're so fond of mentioning, this body was yours Rosay, so I think the question should be, where will WE go. You humans are a funny breed Rosay, and you will never cease to amaze me. Maybe what my kind say about you are wrong, maybe you are not merely sub-intelligent slaves, maybe you could be more, much more, if you stop making stupid mistakes.
She quietens then, unsure of how to answer that comment, and now refreshed I stand and start to push at the symbols on top of my rescued machinery, smiling in satisfaction as the chevrons on the hastily propped up gate start to glow. It took me more than a day to find and dig out the gate, and all my strength to lift it. Then I had to start all over again with the DHD, hoping that I could still get it to power the gate. Smiling I press the centre circle, and I grin wider as the wormhole splashes open. I take one last look across the planet, and one last glance at the far off campfires of the huddled survivors who were lucky enough to escape the blast.
~So you're just going to leave them here?~ Comes Rosay's petulant voice, and I snort at her tone.
I think I will.
~After all you've just said, after all you think about us humans, you're just going to leave them to do it all again?~
No, I'm leaving them the choice. There is enough left here that they could realistically salvage and make use of, but most of these people were prisoners, and I think they deserve their chance to rise above it.
~Do they?~
Rosay, why should I condemn them because you failed? I see now that all humans are not alike, you may be one species, but you vary incredibly. You are not Gods, and we are not Gods, I know that now if nothing else. If both our kinds can make the same mistakes, and fall into the same traps there can not be that much difference between us. I get the impression that Rosay is snorting at my words, and I chuckle.
~What will we do?"~ She asks quietly, and I can't help but smile at her final acceptance of our situation, and our partnership.
To be honest, I do not know. We will wander for a while I think, see what presents itself, and the rest, is up to fate. Rosay's presence fades away then, but not before leaving in my mind the co-ordinates of a safe, gentle world, where we may live for a short while, and regain our strength, perhaps begin to know each other. With that I turn back to the gate, and run towards the future.
I do not know what lies ahead of me, of us, but at least I will attempt to face it with some degree of objectivity. An objectivity that has been hard won.
Who knows what I may find out there, when tomorrow comes?
"Underneath your dreamless eyes
Shades of sleep, have driven you away
The moon is pale outside
And you are far from here
Breathing shifts your careless hair
Untroubled by the chaos of our lives
Another day, another night
Has taken you again my dear
And you know, I'm gonna be the one
Who'll be there, when you need someone to depend on
When tomorrow comes
When tomorrow comes (wait until tomorrow comes)
When tomorrow comes (wait until tomorrow comes)
When tomorrow comes (wait until tomorrow comes)
Last night, you were lying in my arms
And I was wondering where you were
And though you looked just like a baby
Fast asleep in this dangerous world
With the stars shining brightly
It's like a million years before
And you were feeling very small
Underneath the universe
And you know, I'm gonna be the one
Who'll be there, when you need someone to depend on
When tomorrow comes
When tomorrow comes (wait until tomorrow comes)
When tomorrow comes (wait until tomorrow comes)
When tomorrow comes (wait until tomorrow comes)"
When Tomorrow Comes - The Eurythmics
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