Falling into anger, slipping into hell
Falling into anger, slipping into hell
by DustDevil
TITLE: Falling into anger, slipping into hell
AUTHOR: DustDevil
EMAIL: dustdevil@btinternet.com
CATEGORY: Sam and Jack romance
SPOILERS: None
SEASON / SEQUEL: Sequel to One of those days, one of those things, and To save us from ourselves
RATING: PG13
CONTENT WARNINGS: Language, sexual situations
SUMMARY: Things go wrong between Sam and Jack
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Personal report.
Planet designation PS47XN.
The planet was mostly deserted.
We encountered only a few native mammals that, according to Captain Carter, were possibly evolved from Earth pigs. An animal frequently used for its meat, which apparently can be found in many forms, the favourite of which I am assured is "Bacon". There were many of these pigs. Captain Carter volunteered that they may even have undergone speciation, or at least separated into a variety of subspecies. O'Neill says that we should come back with a bag of rolls and something called a "Barbecue" which I assume is some form of cooking device. It appears that this planet once served as some sort of "supermarket" for the goa'ulds. The term supermarket, as offered by O'Neill, was unknown to me even in context, and so I researched it when we returned to the SGC.
Supermarket - "Large self-service retail shop selling foods and household merchandise."
I am unsure that this planet would have been a "shop", but I take it that O'Neill meant that this planet was used to supply both the goa'ulds and Jaffa with an extra source of food should supplies elsewhere become low, or the planets unsafe. Other than that, we found only a few settlements, all of which had been deserted for a considerable amount of time. It was at one such settlement that we camped for the evening, utilising a small, three-walled building for shelter. It was here that the trouble started. And it started with a misplaced shoe.
Hmmm.
Bacon.
"The meat cut from the cured, and often smoked side of a pig" I must get Daniel Jackson to introduce me to this particular food. Apparently it must be consumed, upon pain of death, between two slices of the whitest bread, and covered with "ketchup". So O'Neill assures me.
* * *
"Alright! Who the hell has it?"
"Has what Jack?"
"My boot! Who took my damn boot!"
"Your boot? Who would take your boot Jack? The way your feet smell.."
"Listen Danny, my feet don't smell alright? But someone here has stolen my boot, I put it down just here!"
"I haven't seen it Sir, maybe you put it somewhere else?"
"Oh for crying out loud I don't think so Carter, I think I would know where the hell I put my own boot!"
Yeouch. He really meant that. That was a not a usual light-hearted Jack comment, and Sam knows it. I can tell by the way she has turned her back on him, and is concentrating on heating our main meal for the evening. Things were going so well.
The planet was deserted, so no baddies for Jack to shoot at, but on the other hand the place was a virtual treasure trove of artefacts! It seems that the local population had to leave in rather a hurry, and rather a long time ago. Still, due to their swift departure, they left seemingly everything behind, and I could happily spend weeks here collecting, collating and logging the many fine examples of ancient Greek household objects.
It really seems like the goa'ulds got around on earth. So far we've found a lot of examples of remnants of many of the once dominant civilisations on earth, but this represents one of the best preserved and comprehensive slices of Greek life ever recovered! I started explaining this to Jack, but he got that look on his face. His eyebrows started jumping, and although he attempted to look interested for a few minutes, nodding and "Mmm"ing at my discoveries, eventually his eyes started to glaze, and finally flicked to Sam's where they elicited one of her usual smiles at his behaviour. I gave up then, trailing off my musings and just got on with my cataloguing, and watched the others get on with setting up camp.
I know what they think.
They think I get so caught up in my "rocks" that I become oblivious to everything around me. Okay... Okay I DO occasionally, but sometimes I pick my moments, like right now when everyone else has to actually do some work. So I shuffled off, and crouched in the dirt to peer closely at a small bowl, half buried in the wind-blown dust. I then started to ever so gently flick the dust away with a small, delicate brush. I leant as close to the ground as I could get, and sneaked a quick look back at the campsite over my glasses. Success! They were all just getting on with it! One of these days Jack is going to notice that I wander more frequently during packing up and camp setting up times... but for now I think I can get away with it.
Everything continued in this fashion for a while. We've been together as a team now for a long time, so everyone knows their job, and get on with it with easy familiarity. Teal'c stands guard at the perimeter with his usual stiff backed, imposing form, and surveys the landscape for any sign of danger. Jack and Sam are sorting out our camp. The sleeping bags and bed rolls are all organised, the sentry alarms are set, and the fire is now blazing. Something's not right though. Apart from a few comments from Jack about it being Sam's turn to cook, it being a woman's job and all, and her reply that even her cooking is preferable to Jack's "food poisoning" something has changed.
The usual banter and flirting is definitely more subdued, and each comment is delivered with a wary voice, and a flicked glance. This worries me. The interplay between my two friends is always an indicator that things are alright. Even in the worst of situations they trade gentle, friendly insults and veiled compliments. Still, maybe I'm imagining it, I mean, everything was alright yesterday. The mission went okay apart from the goo, and then we went to the movies and had a good time. Yes, Jack gave Sam a lift home, but I find it unlikely that they could have fallen out in the time it takes to get to Sam's. Unless... No... No way. Flirt they might, but I doubt the two of them are clever enough to see how much they care for each other. They're both blind in that respect. Sigh. And then things got worse, and Jack lost his boot.
"Well what did you take it off for anyway Jack?"
"There was a stone in it alright? Now give it back Danny."
"Colonel, no-one has your damn boot."
Sam... that's not like you. I find my breath had caught in my throat as Jack whips around to look at Sam. He is giving her his best "how to intimidate a subordinate" look, but her head is high, eyes flashing as she refuses to back down when he's being so Goddamn silly and immature. It almost looks like they're going to have a showdown, but then, looking into each others eyes, the hard looks fade away and are replaced for a brief moment by something else, something that's a mix of apology, and an undefinable other, and they turn back to their work.
Woh.
I really feel like I've missed out on something. Maybe from that poker night. Teal'c told me that he came upon them in the kitchen, and they were acting funny. Maybe they had an argument then, that was never resolved, and still has them steaming inside. Or maybe... well. That's enough of me trying to make something out of probably nothing. If they have a problem, I'll let them resolve it. I know better than to get stuck in between a discussion between those two. More often than not, they end up turning on me, and even when I haven't done anything wrong! I swear I didn't touch it!
* * *
Damn him! Just Damn him! Ouch. Way to go Sam, I almost took the tip of my finger off with my locker door I'm so angry! I blame our recent missions. I mean, for the past two weeks they've all been very boring, and run of the mill. Don't get me wrong, we've had quite enough excitement and danger over the years that I certainly don't crave it, it's just we've had nothing to occupy and distract ourselves from each other, and even Danny has been bored with our interstellar trips of late. Apart from today. Today the place was strewn with Ancient Greek artefacts, which he found extremely fascinating. Hmm. A little too fascinating if you ask me.
Danny has a certain talent for wandering off when there's work to be done or decisions to be made. Huh. Or when it's time to go back through the gate! He thinks we don't notice, and I'm not sure if Jack has yet, but I have... and though I let him get away with it as he'd probably only get in the way when making camp, I won't forget it. And yes I saw it when he reached out his curious little hand for that blue glowing object half buried just outside the camp perimeter! I swear he just doesn't learn! The sound of several throats clearing behind him made that hand disappear faster than a striking snake, and the look on his face reminds me so much of a child caught being naughty when he whirls to look at us. What a guy our Danny is. Much though I love him, and a better friend I couldn't ask for, sometimes I swear if there 's trouble anywhere on-world, Daniel will gravitate towards it! So, according to new procedure we packed the object up in a sealed hazmat container and shipped it home. Luckily for us, this once it turned out just to be a large polished gem, supposedly kept by the people on PS47XN as some sort of ornament. And no, it didn't eventually reveal itself to us as a living sentient creature or some horrible probe or weapon from a far off world, so that's okay. Listen to me, I sound blasé about the whole idea of bringing back intergalactic bombs and torture devices! God... this job is really getting to me... and is my CO.
Yes, things were awkward today because of last night. We didn't get a chance to see each other before we set off as we all arrived a little late. I didn't get much sleep, and neither did Jack by the look of him, and apparently Danny was up most of the night explaining joke after joke from Austin Powers to the ever confused Teal'c. So we shrugged into our B.D.U's and headed out.
Things went okay, well... they were bearable at first anyway, as more habit than anything found us making our usual assortment of insulting and flirtatious comments, though with considerably less zeal than normal. I'm sure I found Daniel looking at us a little funny a couple of times, so I made a real effort to smile at Jack's half-assed sarcastic comments and observations, though I sure didn't feel like it. He was like me, upset at last night but trying his best to be normal. That was... until he "lost" his boot. Then things went from bearable... to awful.
I couldn't believe it when he shouted at me like that! So I just shouted back! The look on his face! I really thought I'd overstepped the mark and he was gonna pull rank and reprimand me when all of a sudden, we seemed to realise what we were doing. Here we were all steamed up with each other because last night we had a... a... I don't even know for sure what happened! So all of a sudden the tension faded, and we looked away. And you know what? He was sitting on his stupid boot! I really could have punched his stupid face!
God. Why am I so angry with him? I never get this angry, not even with Jack. I'm always known for my cool head, my way of dealing with pressure, but this time it's different. Somehow it's easier to deal with Goa'ulds, threatening natives, impending destruction, but when it's something like this... something personal. He just got under my skin is all... huh. Forget that. He got way under my skin... all the way to my heart. It used to be easy, being around him, because although I must have been aware on some level how I felt for him, it was safe, we flirted, and it all seemed to happen somewhere else, somewhere that wasn't quite real. So we ruined it. We made it real, and now we tiptoe around each other, like tigers in a cage, stalking and glaring and testing the water, our responses in growls and snarls, unsure and hairline trigger sensitive.
Enough. Maybe, given enough time it'll all ease itself out. I mean, it has too. Everything becomes easier with time doesn't it? At least that's the theory. If we just stay away from each other, make sure Danny and Teal'c are there at all times, then maybe we can forget it all happened and grow easy in each others company once more. As long as we make sure we're not alone together... that would only lead to... to more unease. I'll have to find a way to excuse myself from downtime activities from now on. Maybe he'll make it easy on me, maybe he won't ask me over any more. But what if... what if he asked just me?
The sudden turn in my thoughts stops abruptly when I turn to leave, scooping my bag onto my shoulder and find him there, in the doorway. He is holding the door shut with one hand, and stands stiffly in his fatigues, face still streaked with mud, jacket still on. It's obvious he's been waiting to shower after we returned so he wouldn't have to bang into me in the locker room. I would have been in first but Daniel and Teal'c beat me to it and I had to wait. His displeasure at finding me here is etched deeply into his face. His eyes are dark and hooded, and burn with an intensity that makes me shiver. I hate Jack's displeasure as much as I love his rare, plain, honest compliments. He stalks over to me then, and though I hope he'll walk on past he continues to stride in my direction, coming to a stop a few feet from where my bag now rests on my feet.
This is it. This is where he gives me an official reprimand for chewing him out at the gate. Although the camp was swathed in bad feeling, the rest of the night had passed without incident, and we started the walk back at first light. It was a couple of hours walk back to the gate, and after I had ignored Jack's looks and half-hearted attempts to talk, he took it personally and made it his personal vendetta to fault me every single step of the way.
"Watch out for that hollow Carter"
"For God's sake Captain pick the pace up!"
"Who the hell packed this damn tent. Barney?"
Daniel looked really concerned by this point, and Teal'c had begun to look from Jack to me with growing confusion. He could sense a coming confrontation and as his gaze shifted, I found myself wondering who he would defend if it came to blows. Finally we got to the gate, and Daniel punched in the address in record time and him and Teal'c stepped through. I was about to follow when Jack grabbed my elbow and whipped me around, eyebrows down and lips tight as he considered my face.
"Carter... what the hell is the matter with you today?"
I can't believe he said that. Thanks Jack. Thanks so much. So he's pleading ignorance is he? Pretending nothing has happened, that nothing has changed and it's all in my head and I'm making a really big something out of nothing. I feel the heat of tears pricking my eyes, but I will not cry in front of him. I jerk my arm from his and walk up the steps to the undulating iridescence of the portal home when he grabs me again.
"Answer me damn you!" He yells and I flinch instinctively away from him. I struggle to free myself and he lets me go, glaring all the while. Any thought of tears slips away from me and I feel anger rise and consume me, a writhing beast in my belly. We step to the gate and just as we move to step through I turn to look at him and meet his countenance with a look of hate of my own.
"Fuck you Sir" I say quietly and succinctly, and as the wormhole takes me, I am left with a snapshot of his face, and I know he heard me.
And here he is to exact revenge. I don't know exactly when I started thinking of his thoughts and movements as continuously hostile to me, somewhere between arriving at the SGC yesterday morning and arriving at our camp site last night I guess. Although the change seems total and absolute in my mind, I ache for one sign, one little sign that the Jack and Sam that existed before any of this started are still in here somewhere.
"Sam."
He called me Sam. I look up then, realising that my eyes had dropped to the floor in expectation of punishment. His hands rest on his hips, and although his posture is still threatening, his face has lost its rigidity, and has softened.
"Sam... what the hell just happened today?"
His voice is soft too, and as he speaks, his eyes fall from mine, and he raises a hand to massage his brows. I relax a little, and am surprised by reports of pain from head to toe and I realise how tightly I was holding myself in the torturous moment before he spoke.
"I didn't come up to standards is what happened Sir"
He looks at me darkly then, but I'm not going to apologise to him. After the fact I realise the possible double meaning of my words, and bite my silly tongue. He starts to circle me then, and I'm aware of his eyes moving up and down my body. Finished with my shower and ready for home I'm wearing a pair of old, tight jeans and a tight white blouse that leaves very little to the imagination. His circles become closer, and I can feel his breath against my neck as he makes another pass. I hold my head high, and stare blankly at the wall. I'm afraid to meet his eyes, as I'm unsure whether his jerking gait and harsh breaths are to do with anger or something else.
"Inspection Captain"
Bastard.
Is this his way of punishing me for wanting him? I pull my feet together and move to my locker. Standing by its side I place my back against the rows of doors beside mine, and look over his shoulder. He seems to change his mind then, and drops the senior officer act, reaching up to rub at his neck.
"Look Sam... I dunno what's wrong, but we have to sort this."
I continue to stare at floor, releasing a breath in this seeming interval.
"Sam? Are you listening? I have to talk to you"
"I'm listening Sir"
"Please... please... it's Jack."
I say nothing.
"Look Sam... I don't know what happened, what almost happened the other night,
or if I'm imagining things... but I... I don't want you."
What? I expected him to skirt around things, and for us to agree to try and "get along" better, leaving the truth unsaid, but I sure as hell didn't think he'd come out and say something like that!
"Well that works out just fine Sir because I don't want you either"
I imagine my face looks just like his. Calm and serene on the outside, with only a twitching lip or jumping jaw muscle betraying the pain we really feel. There is nothing worse in this life than when people deliberately hurt each other. It is truly the worst thing we can do. He steps forward then, and takes a hold of my shoulders. I see it register on his face when I stiffen under his touch, such a different reaction to his gentle touch of the other night.
"Stop it Sam... just stop it!"
"Stop what? I don't understand!"
"Stop doing this to me... to us!"
"Sir let go."
"Not until you stop this, tell me you'll stop it!"
He's shaking me now, shaking me quite hard, and shouting, and I must admit I'm getting frightened. I've never seen him like this and I'm wracking my brains trying to think what exactly it is I've done, which precise comment has made him so mad?
"Sir... let go... let go!"
He stops. His arms fall from my shoulders and one moves to touch his face in shock. Under his hand I can clearly see the emerging red mark my hand has left. I'm as shocked as him, it seems like I haven't breathed in an eternity. God... at least I didn't club him one in the jaw as I'd intended, but the slap had the same effect. He steps back a few paces, and when I see the anger, the sheer rage in his eyes I feel the tears back again, and clutching for my bag I run from the locker room towards the elevator. I don't even stop to see if he's following me, or God to see if he's okay.
Huh. I can't believe that thought just went through my mind.if he's okay? My vision is so blurred with tears as I run that I miss the hunched form of our blundering Daniel as he emerges from a lab, and I almost bowl him over. We notice each other at the last minute, and it takes a frustrating dance of side-stepping and second guessing before I manage to sweep past him, but its too late... he's seen my tearful face.
"Sam? Oh Sam what's wrong? Sam! Come back Sam! Talk to me!"
* * *
She's gone. She's rushed off away down the corridor before I can stop her, and her last words are ringing in my ears.
"Please Daniel... just let me go home!"
I can feel my heart hammering in my chest as I struggle to think of some reason for her distress. Has something happened to her family? A friend? But the real answer is just around the corner. I stumble in the general direction I was going, and just as I come abreast of the locker room, Jack emerges, and his face speaks volumes. He is surprised by my presence, and his eyes dart to mine. I've never seen him look so unsettled, so unrestrained, and I wonder once more what the hell has led to this confrontation between them? And confrontation it must have been, as the red mark on his left cheek tells all.
"Jack? What's happening Jack? Why is Sam crying?"
He looks surprised at that. Oh you didn't know Jack? You didn't know you made the strongest woman I know break down in tears? Sometimes he infuriates me, but never have I felt such anger towards him, felt such rage on Sam's behalf. He see this in me, sees me tense and ball my fists, and he looks disgusted, disgusted with himself I hope.
"Jack! What did you do to her? What's going on?"
He doesn't answer, and suddenly it feels like everything that was stable in my life is starting to slowly spin out of control. I watch his composure crack, and he starts to cast his head about, seeking a way out, and he takes it.
"Leave it Danny... just leave it!"
He pushes me roughly to one side as he heads for the lift, car keys jangling in his hand. Oh Jack. What the hell is going on? I should have paid more attention, I should have done something, talked to them. They must have crossed the boundary between being friends... and being something... something else, and found that terrible step too much to live with. I don't know what to do. I hope Jack is clever enough to stay away from her for a while, let them both cool off. I'll phone her later, make sure she's okay, and go round if she needs me. Something tells me life in SG1 is never going to be the same. Dejectedly, I stuff my hands in my pockets, and head off to find Teal'c.
* * *
Well now.feel better do ya?
Finally the room seems to stand still, and the red mist falls from my eyes. Wonderful. I survey the damage and shake my head at the ruin that was once my living room. Yeah Jack, like breaking a few lamps and pushing a bookcase over will really sort things out with Sam.
I've really done it now. Ruined it. Ruined everything. Sweet.
She was right to hit me, I damn well deserved it. And Daniel, he looked on the verge of hitting me as well, and I wish he had. Might have knocked some sense into me. Too late though, the damage is done. I don't know what happened! That night... that night we both realised. Well.I don't know exactly what we discovered, but we both knew that in other circumstances, hell just given the damn chance we'd cling to each other like two desperate tidal creatures, holding on for dear life against the ebb and flow of the world around us.
But we can't can we Sam? I mean.our jobs? There's a little voice in my head now, the same voice that started this whole mess, and damn me if it isn't getting a hell of a lot stronger.I know, I know for crying out loud! Yes, I've danced around court martials for less, but it's not so much my job that worries me, it's Sam's. I won't ruin her life, not even to make me happy.
Would it? .Would it make me happy?
God.
Some question. Would I be happy if I were Sam's?.. You're damn right I would be! To see that face every morning, to be the sole recipient of her smiles. Well Jack, she told you today that she didn't want you so that's the end of that. Hmm. There's that voice again...the little voice that takes great pleasure in recounting to me all my misdemeanours. You told her first Jack... you told her first. Great. Now she thinks I don't want her. Maybe that's the right thing to do. I certainly thought so at the time. Mind you, that's probably just because she was ignoring me all day. And why? Because you were being an utter bastard to her, and treating her like some airman fresh out of boot camp that's why! I should teach classes in how to royally fuck up your life and relationships! Not to mention your team and your friends. I told her to stop... and she has no idea what I was talking about. Maybe I am wrong, and she is merely watching me go through this strange strangled dance of emotions, and feeling none of it herself... but I won't believe that. I won't. It feels like some awful game we're playing. And I want us to stop, and I tried to voice that, to tell her...but she doesn't understand. At first, it was the best game in the world, and we never seemed to tire of circling the board, taking our chance cards with glee and upping the ante to squeeze even more pleasure from the next roll of the dice. She loved it as much as me, and we could play for hours, trading shots and money to gain another place.
Suddenly, suddenly I began to realise how desperately I wanted to win, wanted us to win, and I found myself clinging to the cards, holding them close to my chest, and savouring each move, and roll, and pass of go. The other night, we realised we had both been doing the same things, and all of a sudden there were no cards left to pick up, no dice, no get out of jail free card, and in the scrambling panic and fear, we upturned the board, and lost it all.
I should have left it. I should have dropped her off and walked away. But I pushed. I laid my bets and she came to me. Timid and flitting as a spirit by my side. And in my longing I made a grab for her... and then the moment was lost and we were freed from it. Left with nothing. Did we stand strong behind what we felt and make our feelings known? No. We ran. And we ran. And now? Now we hide. Hide behind feelings we have never had for each other. Hide behind our anger and resentment.
I wonder if Danny is with her now, comforting her. I imagine his hand soothing her back, the other in her hair, and I feel myself tremble. It doesn't make me feel any better, torturing myself with thoughts like this. I hope she's okay. Danny said she was crying. Was she crying because I hurt her with my words, or because of what we had become? Or was it because of what we could almost taste on the edge of our thoughts? I have to know. But I don't know how to ask.
It's raining now, I can hear the beats against the window, mirroring the aching and ailing thump of my heart. I have to walk. I feel the unmistakable urge to occupy my body so that maybe, just maybe my mind might find a little peace. I'm dressed only in a jersey and slacks, but I don't care. Grabbing my keys I leave the house and start to walk into the cleansing rain.
* * *
Well... this is familiar. Here I am sitting on my couch feeling like shit after another confrontation with Jack. I find myself sniffing as tears continue to roll unabated down my red cheeks. Danny had just called... and I pushed him away as fast as I could. I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to tell him what was going on. The truth is, I don't know what's going or how I feel, so I just told him we had an argument and a bit of a falling out but it'll be alright by the time we get back to base the day after tomorrow. I told him I'd come out for a drink with him tomorrow, but I don't intend to honour that promise. Instead, I intend to spend my weekend in here licking my wounds.which may or may not be imaginary. Huh. Jack's probably out on the town, laughing it up with some of his buddies from the other SG teams, getting drunk and chatting up women. Fine. Let him.
"Stop doing this to me... to us!"
What did he mean? Am I living in some deluded fantasy world? Did I imagine everything that happened to us? Maybe... maybe I threw myself at him, and like any male, he found it hard to resist at first. No... I know I didn't. I know he feels the same. I know it. And I also know we wish we didn't.
I hit him.
Oh God I hit him. If saying "fuck you" to your CO isn't a court martial offence, then hitting him most definitely is! The look on his face. He was so surprised.as was I. I could almost have sworn I had no idea what had just happened if my hand didn't sting so. So I ran again. We're doing far too much running these days, but there is only so far we can go. Then it's mission time and we're in each others pockets for another couple of days.
Janet also called. Called to ask me if I wanted to go out for a drink. I turned her down. And God am I a good actor for even the all-seeing all-knowing Janet didn't notice anything wrong with me. I hope. For all I know she and Daniel are ensconced somewhere, running possible Jack/Sam scenarios back and forth.
That's right Sam. Wallow in your misery, and assume everyone else is in there with you. Well they're not. They're all out there getting on with things, and so should I. I have a life to lead... of sorts, and I must try to get on with it. Let's start slow. A nice hot bath would be good. And some music. Maybe... maybe that'll take my mind off it. If I can soak away the tension, the aches of the last two days... then at least I might get a little sleep. I've had far too little sleep this past week. I get up then, to run my bath, but I pause in the middle of the room when I hear a car draw up outside and the door open. Great. That'll probably be Daniel... or Janet if he's ran into her. I don't want to do this but it doesn't look like I have much choice. The door shuts again, but to my surprise the car pulls away. Maybe I was wrong. There are other people who live in this block Sam, you're not the centre of the universe! But no... reprieve is over as I hear a knock at the door. No rest for me. It's question time.
I try to smile as I move to the door, hoping my tear streaked face looks passable. Oh well. Here we go. Formulating an amusing comment I open the door, but it sticks in my throat when I see Jack standing there... not Daniel... and not Janet.
Jack.
Jack drenched from head to foot as he stands in the pouring rain in just a jersey and pants. His hair is plastered to his forehead, and the rain flows in well established tracks down his face, making him blink rhythmically. His pants are dark with moisture and clinging to his legs, and small trickles of water fall from each finger as his arms hang loosely by his side. I look behind him, wondering how he got so wet so fast, and I see no car. He must have walked. He must have walked all the way here. I look at his face then, an am relieved to see his eyes have fallen from searching for mine, and look at the floor. He looks so lost, so childlike, that I can't send him away. I can't make him walk all the way back home, so I follow the only option open to me, I turn and walk back inside, leaving the door open.
I go to my bedroom and haul two large towels from my wardrobe. Thinking for a moment, I search my drawers and come up with an old baggy jersey, and a pair of large stretched jogging pants. Walking back to the living room I find him standing just inside the now closed door, huddling himself and dripping on my carpet. Stupid man. He'll give himself pneumonia acting like this. Still with no eye contact, I walk to his side and taking a hold of his elbow I pull him toward the bathroom. He kicks his sodden shoes off, and stands looking sheepish as I dump the towels by his side on the edge of the bath. He just stands there and shivers. Finding myself strangely impassive I reach for his arms and start to tug at his wet top, finally tugging it over his head and dumping its wet weight in the bath. I do the same with his pants and leave him standing in his tight, black cotton boxers, that are thankfully dry enough for him to keep on. Our eyes meet for a second then, but I see only guilt, and regret. I hand him one of the towels and with the other I start to rub his chest and arms, warming and drying at the same time. He seems to come back to himself then, and starts to rub his legs down. I thrust the clothes into his hand, and leave him as I head for the kitchen to make some coffee. He'll need it to warm himself.
Coffee ready, with plenty sugar, I walk back out into the living room and sit at my couch, placing the cups side by side on the table. I feel so strange. The man I was torturing myself over earlier is practically naked in my bathroom... and I feel nothing. Nothing at all. I'm devoid of any emotion. That doesn't last though, as at a sound I look up and see him in the doorway, towelling his hair dry as he walks. The jersey is fairly tight across his broad chest, and the pants reveal a good stretch of leg. Still... they'll do. He sits by me on the couch then, to my right, and we drink in almost companionable silence. He sits hunched over, coffee clutched in his shaking hands and he sneezes... and again. I push the hankies in his direction, and settle back, feet tucked up.
The rain is pelting down outside, and the rhythmical pounding is almost soothing. A few minutes of snuffling and Jack seems to settle too. I risk a glance in his direction, and he's leaning back, mug curled against his chest, feet tucked together and eyes heavy lidded. I find myself smiling, feeling strangely contented, and as I lean back again I angle my body towards his, allowing my head to fall lightly on his shoulder. He shifts too, almost in time with me, and as I move closer he curls an arm around my waist and holds me close. The war is over for now, well at least a battle, and peace descends. Unspoken apologies have been voiced and accepted, and our breathing matches, as we sigh and huddle for warmth. This is nice. It doesn't matter that this is Jack, and this is me, it feels nice just for itself. Taking comfort in a fellow human, and feeling that feeling reflected back. It feels so very good. He's warm now, so warm, and my old clothes are soft and giving to the touch. His arms are comforting and strong, and his fingers trailing up and down the length of my spine sends small shivers down my limbs. Oh. When did he start doing that? I was so comfortable I didn't even notice. But this subtle shift seems so natural, I accept it wordlessly, and stretch a lazy hand across his chest, tucking my head beneath his chin.
Time passes in this manner for a while.
Eventually, I have to move, as my leg starts to cramp. I ease it from where it lies numbly beneath its companion, and Jack lets me go as I rise. Stretching, I head for the bathroom and hear him shift on the couch. When I return he has moved. I flick the gas fire on as the night has grown cold, and I swear the light has dropped several points in here. Eyeing the dimmer switch, I approach the couch, and Jack is now sitting in the middle, feet stretched out away from him, both arms along the back, content in the new warmth. Without a pause, I chose the seat to his right, and lower myself into the me sized gap. As I sit, his right arm curls around my shoulders, and he turns and finding me settled, drops his head to my shoulder, forehead against my cheek.
I feel a stir from somewhere... a change in the air. As if it has become subtly charged with undefined particles. But I don't move. I don't pull away. It feels so different somehow, as though this is not really real. Maybe I feel asleep here, and dreamt my dream Jack came for me, and lies here now in my arms. We haven't said a word to each other, and our eyes have met only once, which serves only to add to the ethereal feel. Somehow... somehow that makes it feel alright. It's almost as if anything that happens tonight doesn't count, and it won't affect our lives in any negative way. He shifts in my arms then, in seeming response to whatever has changed, and all of a sudden I feel the soft warmth of his lips against my neck. His arms are curled around me, holding me close, and I respond to this by repeating his earlier gesture and trailing my own hand up the contours of his firm back. His lips remain where they are for an eternity, not really kissing, just resting. Then they withdraw, and his breath trails across the bereft skin, cooling it dramatically and I shiver a little. I feel him smile then against my neck, and he descends again, this time marking an uneven line towards my jaw with the gentle but insistent burn of his mouth.
This... this is so nice. Nice? Nice Sam? Oh it's much much more than nice. Try fantastic, wonderful, but any of these words doesn't quite feel enough. Sigh.
His left hand moves from my side then, and snakes up to cup the side of my face, holding my head against his lips as they move inexorably towards my mouth. I find I'm clutching at his top, a handful of soft fabric between my fingers, and my caressing hand on his back is now open and flat, pressing him against me in my desire to reach that kiss. He's so close now, I can feel his breath, sweet and warm, and so tantalising. He hovers for a moment, and I wait patiently, eyes closed, lips slightly parted. There is no worry that he won't kiss me, no agonising choices, and thoughts of work. For this is a dream remember? And in my dream Jack kisses me... a kiss that draws me into him... and onto the next stage.
At first there is a hesitant pressure so very, very light, but it deepens as his mouth claims mine in a sudden desperate hunger. We merely hold ourselves against the other, lips pressed tight, eyes screwed, and then I open my mouth and allow him entry. He takes it, and the first touch of our tongues is hot and electric, making them leap back in surprise, but only for a moment. Then they seek each other out again, sliding past and curling around, tracing teeth and gums as he turns his head for deeper access.
Oh I'd almost forgotten what this feels like. A deep fire has started somewhere in the centre of my body, and its heat warms me from the inside out, lighting small beacons in its image as it moves outwards, touching every nerve, every muscle. Instinct takes over and our bodies respond to each other, our minds cut from the loop as they are swamped with emotion and hormone alike. The kiss is slow and rhythmical, but the pace starts to pick up, tongues competing for space.
His hand slides slowly from my cheek, fingers lazily sketching a vague circular outline down my neck designing to confuse as they reach their hidden destination, the buttons of my soft blouse. He deepens the kiss a little to distract me, as he gently frees the first button, allowing his hot fingers to slide across my flesh. Each lightening touch triggering a shiver in me. I dimly wonder if this is some torturous revenge for the teasing over the cards, but that thought seems to come from far away, and I dismiss it. The second button receives the same treatment as the first, and the third follows, and he gently tugs the edges of the shirt apart, sliding his fingers across the soft silk of my bra as he tentatively cups my right breast. Oh. Oh Jack. Jack this feels so good... I know we can't do this in the real world... but I don't care. I don't care. Everything I want right now I have in my hands. Speaking of hands, I can't let him have all the fun, so I find the edge of the jersey, and slide a hand inside and up, letting them tickle against his ribs as they move up his side and around to his back. A shudder passes through him, and I respond in kind as his hand tightens around my breast, squeezing ever so gently, and I know I am his. Fully and completely I give myself to him, safe in the knowledge that this is but a dream.
* * *
Oh Sam.
Oh, oh Sam
This is how I imagined it. This is how it felt in my dreams and fantasies. My body has been taken hostage by desire, and I can feel myself respond only to its rules and regulations, and no other. Besides... other regulations don't apply. As long as we keep our eyes shut tight, and keep the world out, we are free... free to do what we really want... free to let her know how I feel.
I have no idea how I ever came to find my way here, and maybe I didn't, maybe I'm asleep at home, dreaming this. But she feels so real. I must have wandered for hours in the rain, and then... then I found myself in her street, then at her block, and then, before I knew what I was doing I was at her door. Again my subconscious has taken over, forcing me to obey. She was surprised to see me, that much was obvious. I merely stood there, and looked away as soon as I saw the expression on her face, and since then, our eyes met only once, when I finally came to full consciousness and awareness as she tried desperately to warm my cold and wet body. Her eyes were cold, emotionless... and I never looked again. She left and moved to the kitchen, and when I followed and we sat together, tentatively touching, we made a solemn vow and agreement to shut the world out, eyes and minds closed against its cruel rules. Slipping instead into a world of our own making, where we could play this out how we wanted.
And we are there still. Her warm hands on my body are sending frantic signals to my new brain... the brain that lives much further down. My other brain is no longer in charge now, and merely floats in heavenly sensation, experiencing. My other brain however, is working frantically, and hormones race and collide around my captive form. My blood on the other hand, seemingly has only one destination, and it pumps through my veins and arteries, heading downwards.
She is so soft and warm in my arms, and her tongue exacts thrill after thrill in my mouth as she tries to pull me closer. Oh no... not yet Sam. I squeeze her breast gently again and she moans into my mouth. I withdraw my hand, and disappointment is registered by a sudden clutch of fingers at my back. Don't worry Sam... I'm not stopping. Shifting slightly I slip a hand between skin and silk, and cup her breast once again, the feel of her soft, soft skin against my rough hands a new sensation. My thumb finds her nipple, making her shudder beneath me as I explore with fascination. So many times had I watched her in her fatigues, imagining the soft feminine form within. Each downtime brought me a subtle pleasure as her clothes hinted at what was beneath, creating an aching primal call within my groin, that was never answered... until now.
And now? Now she's here and she's mine and I want her so badly. It's so close I can almost taste it, and imagine finding my release in her, and she with me. I kiss her harder, and tongues duel for dominance as our teeth clash in an elemental struggle. Sam... Oh Sam. With one hand I trace and tease her velvet skin, her nipple erect and firm, resisting the gently pressure of my thumb as it contacts that sweet nub. My other arm is behind her head, supporting me as I lean over her, my fingers clutching and releasing her hair in some frantic rhythm that follows the leading beat of my heart. I lower myself then, bringing us closer, kissing her deeper still as I bring my hips down to meet hers, letting her know what I feel, what I want, what I ache for. She arches her back as she feels me, pressing her lithe length closer still to mine, her arms drawing me further into her embrace, where I long to lose myself.
We have to choose now. We can't go the rest of the way in this blind dream state. I have to look in her eyes, I have to see her make the choice with me, to have me and accept me tonight.
And then?
Well let's just start with tonight and work from there. She senses the approaching change, and though our bodies are intent, refusing to abandon this world of unexplored pleasure, our minds begin to awaken. Soon, soon I will look into her eyes and ask my unspoken question, and wait with hope and infinite patience for her assent. I slow the kiss then, or does she? Whatever. Our arms slip round each other in a gentle yet urgent embrace, and our tongues stop their lashing fury, and caress instead, our lips beginning a new dance, a slow sensual dance, as we ever so slowly work our way to the surface, and reality.
I am glad of the slight reprieve to our headlong rush. The fire cools a little but still burns strong and bright, as we stay safe within our blind acceptance and chosen ignorance. I don't want to simply take her, I want to love her. I want to exact our pleasure in slow, deliberate stages, making it last. I want to burn these moments into my memory lest I never find my way here again. Her hands find my face, cupping my jaw, and mine tighten around her, crushing her to my chest. I can feel her heart now, aware of only it as it races with mine, towards some far off finish line that taunts me, and draws me.
Slowly. We must tread ever so slowly if we are to make the transition between dream and waking. Too quickly and it will be over, reality will come crashing in and I know we'll fly from each other in fear of what we're doing. I try not to think. Not to think about anything but her. If I do I'll stop... I'll stop in order that neither of us be hurt... and God I do not want to. We cling. We cling so very desperately and I press my lower body against hers, receiving an urgent push back in response. She wants me. She wants me. I feel a swell of emotion in my chest as I tighten my arms once more, eager at the thought of the sweetness to follow... and then... and then.
No!.no!
We jump in unison then and our lips fall from one another's as the phone, the damn phone, jars us suddenly into reality with its artificial purr. It pulls us too quickly, too soon to the surface in a gasping and thrashing fear and coughs us out, alone and aware onto the barren beach of truth. I feel her stiffen beneath me and I know I have lost.
No... please.
I want to go back, I want to swim once more in that warm pool of oblivion where touch is my guiding sense, and mutual pleasure our goal. Lips apart, our cheeks are pressed together, eyes staring in opposite directions as we still cling, terrified of the tolling of the phone that has broken this spell.
It's over.
Her hands move away from my body, and I jerk myself up and to my feet, groping for balance before she has the need to push me away. I couldn't stand that, I don't want to feel her hands push at me in rejection and repulsion for what we had been about to do, not after feeling their urgent need as they pulled and touched me, leaving a tiny million blazes in their wake. I move to the other side of the room and stand with my back to her, feeling such a terrible coldness and sense of loss. I hear her rise then, as she moves to silence the cold ringing in our ears.
".Hello?"
"No... no I'm still fine. It's okay. Look... I'm sorry about earlier. Yes... No you don't need to come over."
Daniel. It's Daniel. I should have known, I should have expected it. If I'd been entirely sane in my walk here earlier, I would have thought he would already have been here, comforting Sam and listening to her tales of my heartless cruelty. .
"No I don't know. No I haven't seen him Daniel. Yes. I'm okay... Bye"
Of course. They'd obviously spoken on the phone earlier, and after calling her he'd called me, presumably to bawl me out. And I wasn't in. And Danny, being the smart boy he is correctly assumed I would come here to try and sort things out. So he's checking... checking to make sure I haven't done anything stupid, and hurt her further. What do you think I'd do Danny? You think I like hurting her? You think I'd set out to do it deliberately?
I look at Sam then, and she's standing with her back to me by the phone. I open my mouth to say something... anything... and the difficulty I have in forming a sound makes me realise that we haven't spoken a word to each other all night. It was a part of the pact you see, part of the agreement that kept us in that other realm, that other realm that contains everything I want. But we're not there anymore... and the rules here, in the cold, harsh light of reality are different... and I have no claims on this Sam. My thoughts are confirmed as I watch her arms rise from her sides, meeting and doing something in the vicinity of her neck. I'm right. She's doing up her buttons, a clear signal that this is where it ends. The moment stretches on, and still she stands there... it must be my move.
Fine.
Fine!
I stand there, my fists balled and arms rigid and shaking, shaking with an intense anger that has come out of nowhere, and burns me with an livid flame. I want to walk over there, go to her and spin her around, force her to look me in the eyes and make her realise what we were, what we almost became. She's denying it to herself. I can see that. Her arms are as rigid as mine, tight and unmoving by her side, back unnaturally straight. She's trying to pretend it didn't happen, trying to pretend that she doesn't want me, and that I'm not here. I want to scream at her. I want to tell her how I 'm beginning to feel about her, and make her tell me how she feels, shake her and shake her until she admits in this world how much she wants me! I am past caring about the reasons why we shouldn't right now, as all I care about is the closeness, and possible future that was ripped so cruelly away from us.
I'm so angry. So damn angry with me, with her, with Daniel, with the world that I have to do something before this stalemate kills us!
Before I have a chance to choose my course of action my decision is made for me, as I watch her head fall to her chest, her hands coming up to meet it. Oh Sam. I won't make her cry. Not again. I won't have her hurt just because I want her. Because I.I.. Sigh. I do then what I should have done hours ago, or even days. I gather my wet shoes from the bathroom, and putting them on I walk across the living room again. Sam is still where I left her, and I pad quietly to the door. Maybe... maybe she'll be able to tell herself that I wasn't here at all. Maybe she'll think it was all a bad dream. Anger swells briefly in me again, and as I leave I slam the door as loudly and as forcibly as I can behind me. I won't have her forgetting or denying tonight, so I make my presence and my anger undeniably real as I leave her.
I walk down the path and turn in a random direction, my legs taking charge as before, feet damp and uncomfortable in these wet shoes, but I barely notice. It's not raining anymore, and I wish it was. Then my tears would be lost in the fall, and the world might not notice.
Why is there such a fine line between love and hate? How can exploring one suddenly tip you over the edge into the other? bringing only resentment and denial? One minute we were exploring the vast plateau of love and then one word, one sound, or one action, and it suddenly all boils over, sending us crashing and washed up on the shore... swamped by bad feelings.
I don't want to lose our friendship. I won't let it happen. If I have to chose between having Sam as a friend and trying for more she doesn't want, and alienating her... then I'll stop. I have to. I won't tell her how I feel about her. Not that I'm entirely sure yet, but I know my feelings for her are edging in a certain direction, and if I'm going to put a stop to it has to be now. We can put it down to lust. There has always been a certain frisson between us, ever since day one, but that doesn't mean we're destined to be together. Sexual chemistry can be just that. Huh. I'm trying to convince myself here... and I find myself wondering what she is thinking. She's probably in the bath by now, trying to rid herself of the smell and presence of me. She wouldn't look at me. She wouldn't meet my eyes just once. I'm glad in a way. I wouldn't want to see hatred there... like I saw at the stargate.
I'm angry again. Without much of a reason. My emotions are caught in a crazy cycle, darting from one to the next, pulling my wounded heart with it. She doesn't want you Jack... not really. Oh she was willing enough to play it out when we both thought we were dreaming. Probably just out of curiosity. She doesn't love you. She doesn't. And I love her.
Where did that come from Jack? Mentally, I eye my little subconscious creature, the one that started all this trouble a few days ago when it made me kiss her. I imagine him as a little red devil, complete with horns and pitchfork. He looks guilty, and also sadistically pleased. Great. I love her. I love her and I didn't know till just now. I start to run. I'm running to match the running in my head as I try to get as far from my last thoughts as possible. Maybe if I run fast and far enough, I'll forget. Forget that I love her.
I'm not doing very well am I?
Why? Why in the space of a week has my life fallen to fucking pieces? Why? Is this fun for you God, if you're out there? Are you laughing at me? I love her and she doesn't love me. I want to find something, anything, and utterly destroy it. What a typical man you are I think, anger making you lash out. That's how I deal with everything. Any emotion, any situation that I can't control, or I don't like, I turn it into violent action. The emotion that started it always dissolves into fury. The slightest hint of things spiralling away, the slightest hint that an outside force, be it another person, or situation, or rules takes what I want that bit further from me, I find myself falling... I've lost my foothold on love and find myself falling into anger.
* * *
This time I make it to my bed. I won't sit out there and cry anymore. Huh. So I'll lie here and cry instead. I bet Jack's not crying.
Damn you Daniel. Damn you and thank you. Two separate halves of my brain argue over whether he's a saint or a devil. If he hadn't phoned. Sigh. If he hadn't phoned Jack and I would have made love. I'm sure of it. We would have partaken of each other in the cocoon of fantasy we wove, oblivious to everything else. And then? Then we would have had to wake up. Reality had to come in at some point. Then we would have ran again. And God knows how we would have ever gotten back from that abyss.
I wonder what he was thinking as I stood there, seemingly for hours with my back to him. His anger was obvious when he left, I thought the door would leap from its hinges... and then I was alone again. Just me... me and my thoughts. I didn't know what to do. Why was he so angry? Was it because Danny rang and the spell was brought down around our ears? Or was he angry with me for getting us in this position again? I don't know. And I probably won't ever now. Oh Danny. Danny you brought it all down. Maybe... maybe we could have made it. Maybe we could have come up slowly, and chose to follow that path. I know he wants me, and while we lay there in each other's arms I thought that maybe, maybe he wanted more. Maybe he wanted us, as well as just me... but we never had a chance to find out. And we won't now. Too many things stand against us, and between us, and I very much doubt we'll find ourselves in this situation again.
Why did he come round then? I assume he came to apologise, set things straight, get our friendship back on track again. I know how important his friendship is to me, he's my best friend. And I know he values mine, he obviously does if he felt it worth saving. This... thing... that's always been between us, that hint of attraction may be just that... a hint. Should I have gone to his arms when I replaced the phone? Should we have strode ahead and gotten down and dirty this one time and got it out of our systems? No. I know that wouldn't work because I.I feel a little more for him than simple lust. But I'll never tell him. I'll never tell him because he doesn't feel the same way. He stood behind me, silent and appalled at what we had almost done. And then he left. He ran as fast as he could. Huh. Yeah he was out of here in a flash. He knew that to come to me then, to take me in his arms would have meant that he felt something more for me. And he didn't do it. Because he doesn't feel it. So it's all turned to shit.
And Danny. I'll see Danny tomorrow and what will I tell him? If anything? I don't know what to do. Oh Jack. If there's any way to save things between us I'll take it, even if it means denying that I love you.
I love him?
Do I?
Oh God what's happening to me? Why do I love him? Why do I always do this to myself? Even if he loved me too there's nothing we can do about it.
As I shove my head into my pillow and wrap my arms around myself to conceal my sobs from the world I can feel everything slipping away. Everything's ruined. I can feel us slipping into hell.
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Choices 3: Falling Into Anger, Slipping Into Hell
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