Only You Can't Be the One
Only You Can't Be The One
by DustDevil
TITLE: Only You Can't Be the One
AUTHOR: DustDevil
EMAIL: dustdevil@btinternet.com
CATEGORY: Sam and Jack
SPOILERS:
SEASON / SEQUEL:
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: Bit depressing - sorry.
SUMMARY: A certain person has a new love...
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
I hate him.
I have no right to, but I do.
I hate him, and I hate her for doing this to me. Bit harsh I know, but it's the way I feel, what can I say? It's all my fault, the whole lot of it. Her meeting him, her falling in love with him, and her not knowing how I feel. Of course, I doubt that changing the last one would have made any difference anyway, but it still burns in my memory. I introduced them for God's sake.
Why didn't I say?
Good question.
And I know the answer...but the answer hurts so very much.
What the hell does she see in him? I mean, look at him! Another old soldier, torn and frayed at the edges. Well hell, look at yourself! Getting that way too aren't I? I just don't understand.all these years...all these years and I always thought...I always hoped that one day...one day...
But no. You're not the one are you? Not now anyway...not now you have...another...
I tried to tell her once, a while ago, but I just never seemed to find the right moment, things were just never...right. I wanted to, I really did. Once I even found myself alone with her in my office, and she was hanging around, waiting...on what, I have no idea. I think maybe she suspected, maybe she knew, and that day, that day she waited on me, waited on me telling her, to let her know. And I didn't. Maybe I could have changed things, maybe, but I couldn't do that to you, I'm not that nasty. So, I left things as they were, and now? Now you're with him. Now you're with him. You shouldn't be...you shouldn't. I should have said...I should have said...
God...why can't you be mine?
"Colonel?"
I whip round, and find Janet standing at the door to my office. Janet, still here for me after all this time. She smiles at me, and I try to smile in return. She doesn't believe it for a second. I have no idea why I ever told her how I feel. She tells me it was obvious, right from the start, and she told me she'd try to help, try to pass along a few hints to her friend, but it never seemed to work. She told me that...that you felt the same, that you would never admit it, but she knew. I don't believe her now, but then?...then I thought just maybe...If I just wait a little, till things are easier...
But then, just as I was getting close, just as things were finally sorting themselves out and we could have had a chance, I made the stupidest mistake of my life. I introduced my team-mate to one of my best and oldest friends. I should have realised, I should have realised straight from the off. The old fool gave her a huge, shit-eating grin, obviously pleased by what he saw, and her? She gazed at him. She gazed at him. In all the time I've known her she's never done that, and, to be honest, I never thought she was the type. It wasn't till later that she said those horrible words to me...the words that I carry around with me still...in my heavy heart. Love at first sight. I tried to brush it off, I tried to dissuade her, tell her it's not possible, but how could I when I believed it myself, because I felt the same?
"Are you okay?"
No. You know I'm not okay Janet, you know how I feel. I never should have told you, I can't stand those eyes of yours staring straight into my soul, seeing the rift there, the aching gap that I doubt I'll ever fill now. Too much drink and I'd tell you anything eh? I'm glad I never told her though. I 'm glad.
"Yeah I'm fine...just a little tired after that last mission"
"Well, we're all headed off-base to that little bar on the edge of town, you coming?"
I want to say no, I really do. I'm really not in the mood for this, I'm really not. They'll be going, and I can't stand to see them together, laughing, talking, touching, smiling. Janet smiles at me again, and I know she's thinking I feel the hurt, the pain of one-way love.
"Sure...I could do with a drink after today..."
"Yeah, the General said you all had a tough time out there, he said you saved everyone"
"No, no...it was just a run of the mill everyone-gets-in-trouble-and-only-out-of-it-by-the-skin-of-their-teeth-type situation. Nothing out of the ordinary."
She smiles and shakes her head. She knows me well enough by now not to pry any longer. I'm hurting, she can tell, but talking about it doesn't help Janet, not for me, I'd rather just leave it, let it fester and rot, and hopefully...one day...heal over. The general...at least he had a good word for me...rare enough these days.
I know, I know. I really should get on with my life. But what's the point? I mean, everything else carries on the same, we go on missions, come back, drink, play cards, all the usual stuff that we used to do. But it's not the same. Not like it was. All she talks about is him, all the time. At first she used to be a little wary around me, and changed the subject when I got near. She must have picked up on all the scowls and mutters from my direction I guess. I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. Not at first...I guess I felt a little...betrayed...by both of them. My best friend and my team-mate. And you could have been...you could have been...So I took her aside in our camp one day, and tried to explain. And what excuse did I give her? I told her I was worried about my friend. Not that I thought you would hurt him deliberately I told her, just that he'd been hurt before, and I didn't want him hurt again. She was so impressed with my worry for him, that she pulled me into a hug. And me? I felt horrible...and betrayed...and at that moment...at that moment I would have hauled her off with me through the gate to some other planet to tell her how I felt, or just so she couldn't be with him...Some friend huh? Some friend and CO. I really wonder about myself sometimes. Really wonder what I'm still doing hanging around here depressing everyone. We need you they say. You're our friend. You're my best team leader says the general. Well...maybe general...but if you knew some of my thoughts...if only you knew...I'd be out on my ear wouldn't I? Well wouldn't I? He looks at me funny these days, and I know he thinks that things aren't the same anymore, not with me anyway. I'm not the same fun-loving person I used to be, most of my spit and fire has long gone...because of...because of you...
Enough.
Enough thinking.
I stand up wearily, bending to stretch some of my tired old muscles, and scooping my jacket from my chair I head towards the door. I can hear them already. Hear them as they walk down the corridor towards me. They didn't have to come this way, the quickest way to the elevator isn't past my office, but tonight they must be determined to drag me with them, to make me have fun, like we all used to...before...
I hear Daniel, and I hear Teal'c. They are obviously the first attack wave, being sent out to check out the territory and make sure I come with them. They sweep into my office with large smiles and fake laughs on their faces, and I smile back, slipping my jacket onto my shoulders.
"We off then?" I say, and this time they smile genuinely. I don't spend as much downtime with them as I used to. I should do, I really should, but they only serve to remind me. Remind me of her...and him. They start talking again, telling me some awful joke about Tok'ra and lightbulbs, and I just smile and nod as they lead me out the door. At least Danny doesn't give me those little looks anymore, not like Janet. He told me once, after they'd been together a while, that secretly, he'd always kind of thought that we'd get together. I laughed, I just laughed it off, and told him how silly the whole idea was. Sexual tension? Us? No way Danny...no way. He laughed too, and from that moment on he only mentioned the subject once more. But that once more was the final straw on this weary camels back.
"The General told me that he thought there might have been something between you two as well..."
I think that started it. After that, I stopped going out so much, spending most of my time here, doing paperwork, wandering the base, and the labs. The General thought that...? Oh God. Oh God. Well...no point worrying about it now, it never happened, and it never will. Careers and faces saved.
And with that, I allow them to take me by the hands and lead me out of my dark, lonely office. And maybe, for one night, even out of my dark, lonely life.
We arrive at the bar in one piece, unfortunately, and Danny and Teal'c pile out of the car in front of me, still laughing. It's quite a cold night, and the wind is of the type that goes straight through your jacket. I'm not going to enjoy this, I know I'm not. But I have to pretend I am. They're my friends, they're my friends and they care. And I care. Maybe, maybe one day things will get easier, and I'll finally be able to forgive myself. It is my fault isn't it? It's all my fault. I wander towards the door behind Danny, and feel a little better as the heat inside warms my bones. Danny gets me a beer and presses the bottle into my hand. Oh well. Good friends and a beer. This used to be fun, and it can be again.
We settle in a corner booth, and I try so very hard to smile, so very hard to enjoy myself. But it's hard, it's too hard for me. Janet is there, some others are there...and they are there...Laughing and talking and smiling. I want you. I've wanted you for a long time, and I'll never have you now. I was too late, I was too late. And now you've found someone else.
Well...Maybe I will.
Maybe I will too.
I've spent far too long looking backward, far too long mooning over my unsuccessful love affairs of the past. I can't just wait for them to fall into my lap can I? This whole situation tells me that if nothing else! I have to get out there, I have to make new friends, and hopefully new loves. I'm not over the hill yet. Not by a long shot!
I smile. I actually smile as I take a sip of my beer, letting the feeling of the good company, and the warm conversation slide over me, making me feel wanted. My smile doesn't go unnoticed, and I keep it there with a surprising ease as she leaves her chair by him, and comes to sit with me. She grins an infectious grin, and I feel mine broadening in return. Even when I see the thing that put me in such a rotten mood today. Her engagement ring. For some reason, it holds no power over me now. I'm happy for them, happy for them both. At least, at least they've found happiness. God, if those two can, then there must be hope for me!
"C'mon, tell everyone again how you saved our butts out there today!"
I shake my head but it's too late, the others are waiting to hear my tale.
"Oh Jenny, do I have to?"
"Yes!...come on!"
I sigh, and start my tale, with Jenny adding little comments of her own. She's a good friend, and she always has been. I've known her for about 10 years, since OTC, and when she joined the Stargate program I was over the moon. Well, at least for a little while.
"No way!" Comes a voice as I tell them about the 20 foot fall into that big pit full of spikey things. I look up with a smile, meeting Jack's gorgeous brown eyes as he asks for more details.
"Honestly General" I say, as Jack rolls his eyes at this tale that is now getting way out of hand. Jenny moves back to him now, and as he listens raptly to my voice, he slips an arm round her shoulder, and she leans back against him. They do look good together, I must admit. But somehow...somehow I always thought it would be me.
"C'mon Sam! Finish the story! Get to the bit with the alligators!"
I sigh, and pick up where I left off. So many things have changed, and I always thought, and hoped, that my feelings would too. But no, I still love him. Hopefully one day, I'll get over it. It wouldn't do to make eyes at your general now would it? I always thought our respective promotions would maybe give us a push, and that once out of the same team we could...well...y 'know. With Hammond finally retired it was inevitable that Jack would ascend to his position, and with promotion to Colonel I had command of SG-1, and we had a position to fill. And I was so pleased when it was filled by my old friend Jenny. And then I introduced her to Jack, and sealed my fate.
Well, he's still here, and he's still my friend. Sometimes we share a little quiet time together, and he always listens to me, and sometimes he even tells me his problems. He's a great guy Jack is, and Jenny's a great girl. And I wish them happiness. I really do. Only...
Only...I wish it was me...
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