Toys 'R' Us is hazardous to your (mental) health
Toys 'R' Us is hazardous to your (mental) health
by Dr. Kate
TITLE: Toys 'R' Us is hazardous to your (mental) health. (Part One of the 'Christmas:1999' series)
AUTHOR: Dr. Kate
EMAIL:keldred@telstra.easymail.com.au
STATUS: Finished ... each part of this series is a separate story.
CATAGORY: It's a Christmas story. Bit of romance, bit of humor ...
SPOILERS: None, really ...
SEASON/SEQUEL: Part One of the 'Christmas: 1999' series. Set Christmas, 1999. Not sure what series that would be in. 3?
RATING: PG13. This is a pretty harmless story.
CONTENT WARNINGS: There are some sexual references, but they're pretty lame. Well, unless you have a thing for Barbie's ...
SUMMARY: SG1 go Christmas shopping. In Toys 'R' Us. Nuff said.
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis. If anyone else wants it ask. And my name must stay on it!
DISCLAMER: I don't own Stargate SG1. I don't own Barbie. I don't own Furby, or Monopoly, or Trivial Pursuit, or Operation, or Twister. I don't own Age of Empires. I don't own Star Wars (although I wish I did ... think of how rich I'd be!) I'm not making any money from this. Actually, it's costing me in electricity and phone calls to write this and put to it on the net. So don't sue me. 'Cause I'm broke. And I'm saving for Uni. And a TV.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This was written on Christmas Eve's Eve. It was sparked by too many Christmas toffees ... mmmn, toffee ... ::Author eats one- sugar rush! Suddenly starts typing 10 times faster::
This story is dedicated to Santa, cause he is nice. He gives me stuff! Like the StarGate-SG1 volume 1:6 video (Hint, hint);-)I wonder if Santa reads fanfic?
There's more notes at the end. I won't take up too much space here, ok?
SG1 were on a mission.
It was one filled with unseen dangers. The possibility of failure loomed large above them, and failure meant disappointment for one young girl.
SG1 were Christmas shopping.
"Hey, Carter- do ya think Cassie would like a Barbie?"
Sam turned to the Colonel. "Um, Jack, Cassie just started junior high. She's over Barbie's."
"You sure? 'Cause, I thought girls always liked Barbie."
"I'm sure."
Jack looked thoughtful. "Oh. I guess that means I'll have to take your present back then."
Daniel laughed. "*Sam* playing with a *Barbie*. That makes for an interesting mental picture."
"Hey!" she exclaimed. "I played with Barbie Dolls!"
"I thought you played with a Major Matt Mason doll."
"I did. Barbie was his co-pilot."
Teal'c looked at the three of them. "Who is this 'Barbie' that you speak of?"
"She's a doll, Teal'c," Sam explained. "She's quite famous. Little girls like to play with her."
"And big boys like to lust after her." Jack added. "Or, so I've heard."
Sam looked at him, eyebrow raised. "Oh yeah, Sir. Sure." She turned to Daniel. "You wanna tease him about that remark later, or shall I?"
Daniel smiled. "I think I'll give you that honor, Major. Think of it as a Christmas present."
"Why, thank you, Daniel. You can have the next dumb remark." She turned back to the others. "Wanna try the next isle?"
Sam, Daniel and Teal'c started to walk on. Jack paused to mutter, "Smart-alecs" before following on behind them.
Jack's face lit up like a Christmas tree. "Ooh, Star Wars! Cool!"
Sam picked up a Leia doll. "Now, this would be *much* more fun to play with."
Jack grabbed something, and then turned back to the others. He was wearing a Darth Vader mask. He looked at Daniel. "Luke, I am your father. Join me on the Dark Side!"
Daniel turned to Sam. "You said I got the next dumb remark, didn't you? This would have to count."
"Definitely. Have it with my blessing."
Jack ripped off the mask. "For crying out loud! Don't you guys know how to have fun? Loosen up!"
"But we *are* having fun, Colonel. Not nearly as much fun as you'd have with a Barbie doll, but ... " Sam grinned.
Jack glared at her.
Daniel stared at the wall in front of them. It was covered in board games. "Wow. I didn't realize there were so many."
Jack looked at him. "Come again?"
"The board games. I didn't realize there were so many different types. I mean, when I was a kid, I only had 'Monopoly', 'Trivial Pursuit', and that doctor game where you have to remove the organs without touching the sides, or it electrocutes you."
"You mean 'Operation', Daniel- and isn't it meant to turn on a little red light when you touch the sides?"
"Not my one. The wiring was faulty. My foster parents sent it back to the manufacturers."
Sam pulled down a game from the wall. "I had 'Twister' as a kid ... I still do, actually. It's in one of my cupboards at home."
Teal'c looked confused. "'Twister?' What are these?"
Sam explained again. "They're games, Teal'c. In 'Twister', two people at a time stand on the mat. They have to put their hands and feet on the coloured dots, without falling down. The first person to fall down is the loser."
Teal'c still looked confused.
"Next time you guys come over my house, I'll get it out and demonstrate it, ok?"
Jack looked at her. "Ah, Sam? Won't you need someone else to play 'Twister' with you?"
Sam smiled. "Thank you for volunteering, Jack."
Sam, Jack, Daniel, and Teal'c lined up at the cash registers. Jack looked at the huge queue in front of them. "God I hate Christmas shopping."
Sam looked worried. "Maybe we shouldn't have left it 'till Christmas Eve. I doubt if we'll make it out of here before New Year's."
Daniel was checking out his gift for Cassie. "Are you sure her computer will support this?"
Sam nodded. "Yes I'm sure. Janet sprung for the biggest, most expensive computer she could find. God, how I wish my computer had that much memory!"
Jack sighed. "Here she goes again."
"And it's *so* fast! I mean, accessing the net, it's like a dream on that machine!"
Jack talked over the top of her. "What game did ya buy her?"
"Age Of Empires," Daniel replied. "You have to nurture different civilizations through the ages. It's great. I have it at home."
Jack laughed. "You're still hoping she'll become an archeologist, aren't you?"
Daniel looked sheepish. "Yeah."
"No way," Sam stated. "She's gonna be an astrophysicist."
"Colonel in the Airforce."
"Archeologist specializing in Egypt."
"I would say: renegade Jaffa helping the people of the Tari, except, I honestly hope she will choose a different path."
The queue moved forward. Sam and Jack struggled with their joint gift: a telescope. They had argued over who would get to give Cassie one, 'till Daniel suggested that they pool their money and get her a more expensive one. Jack patted the telescope happily. "She'll be able to see heaps with this."
Sam agreed. "It is a good telescope."
"Better than mine."
Sam and Jack looked at Daniel, in shock. "*You* have a *telescope*?"
"What? I bought one a while ago. To study the constellations. You know, they have mythical names, and all. I thought I'd better get to know them."
"Now I've heard it all," Jack said. "Daniel and a telescope. Weird."
The queue moved forward again. Sam and Jack nearly dropped the telescope. Daniel looked at them. "Why didn't you guys get a trolley? That telescope is quite big."
"But then who would push the trolley?" Sam asked.
"You could take turns."
"Co-operation. Wow, what an idea!" Jack replied sarcastically.
"It would make sense, Jack."
"Carter, since when do we have to make sense?"
The queue moved forward again.
"How long have we been in this queue?" Sam asked.
"Feels like hours," Daniel moaned.
"It has been ten minutes, Samantha," Teal'c answered.
"Hey, Teal'c, what did you get Cassie?"
"I got her a-" he read the label. "A 'Furby', Colonel O'Neill."
"A 'Furby'. You got Cassie a 'Furby'?"
"Is this wrong?"
"Well, isn't that a bit young for her?"
"Actually no, Jack," Sam clarified. "One of Cassie's friends has one. She's trained it so it only talks when 'The X-Files' is on. It says 'Fowley is a cow' when ever she speaks."
"When Fowley speaks?"
"Yeah. Quite funny, actually."
The queue moved forward. Sam and Jack put the telescope up on the counter. The young girl smiled at them. "This for your kids?"
Sam smiled, Jack looked embarrassed. He cleared his throat. "We're not married. It's, um, for a friend of ours. A friend of ours' daughter."
Sam looked at him, and laughed. "You're blushing, Jack!"
"I am not!"
"You are so!" Sam looked at the young girl. "Isn't he cute when he blushes?"
Jack looked outraged. "I am most certainly *not* blushing, Major!"
Sam winked at the girl.
Daniel joined in. "You are! You are blushing! Hmmn, I wonder what's so embarrassing about being married to Sam?"
"Maybe it is that Colonel O'Neill would like to be married to Major Carter, but he does not want us to know, that is making his face turn that red shade," Teal'c offered.
"Hey, what is this? National 'Pick on Jack' day?"
Even the girl behind the counter felt brave enough to join in. "Your face *has* gone red, Sir."
"Yeah, well, we'd just like to pay for the telescope, Miss."
"Sure. That'll be $750, Sir."
Sam offered her credit card. "We're each paying for half."
"Ok. That'll be $375 on your card, and $375 on his?"
"I'm paying with cash." Jack handed her a pile of money.
The girl completed the transaction and Sam and Jack moved on, carrying the telescope. Daniel handed the girl the game. "Just that, thanks." He spied a jar of pencils on the counter. They were covered with Egyptian motifs. He grabbed one. "And one of these too."
The girl smiled shyly and rang up his purchases. Teal'c wordlessly handed her the 'Furby' box, and thanked her (without smiling) when she handed him his change. He walked over to the others. She looked relieved.
Sam, Jack, Daniel, and Teal'c walked out of the store, Jack sighing as they went. Sam looked at him. "Hey, Jack. What's wrong?"
"I just realized that I won't have enough wrapping paper to wrap this telescope."
The End.
Dr. Kate, 1999
MORE AUTHORS NOTES: I have *no idea* how expensive a telescope would be, so I guessed. Hope I'm not too far off the mark.
The friend with the Furby is actually a friend of mine. She's a massive X-Files fan (so am I), so her Furby hears X-Files a lot. It's pretty well trained. I wanna get one and train it to StarGate.
Sorry if anyone feels I haven't written Teal'c right, but I find him *really* hard. I mostly ignore him in my stories, but I decided he'd be good in this one, as he's always funny when he's out in the 'real world'.
If the last 'scene' seems long in comparison to the others, it's because they were stuck in a queue, and we all know how time seems to 'drag' when stuck in queues. I hate queues. I like the word 'queue', though. I like the 'ue-ue' combination. One of the few words I know how to spell;-)
This will hopefully be a three part series. I'm starting on part 2 right now ...
Any and all feedback to me please, but constructive criticism, mind. No flames, cause I'm the vindictive sort, and I'll flame you right back! So there!
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Dr. Kate
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