Wearing a Santa Suit can be Hazardous to your (Mental) Health
Wearing a Santa Suit can be Hazardous to your (Mental) Health
by Dr. Kate
TITLE: Wearing a Santa Suit can be Hazardous to your (Mental) Health (Part Three of the 'Christmas: 1999' series)
AUTHOR: Dr. Kate
EMAIL:keldred@telstra.easymail.com.au
STATUS: Finished
CATAGORY: Same as the last two. Humor, Romance (Sam/Jack)
SPOILERS: The last two stories.
SEASON/SEQUEL: Sequel, and part three of the 'Christmas: 1999' series. Part One: Toy's 'R' Us is Hazardous to your (Mental) Health and Part Two: Wrapping Christmas Presents and Drinking Beer is Hazardous to your (Mental) Health. Some time in the third season.
RATING: PG13
CONTENT WARNINGS: Mushy Christmas romance;-)And some sexist behavior from the men.
SUMMARY: SG1 go around to Janet's early Christmas morning, Jack and Sam in 'Santa' suits. *G*
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis, anywhere else, ask! And keep my name on it!
DISCLAMER: I don't own any of these characters, except for Marney, she's mine, I say, mine! I'm not making any money from this.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Look at bottom, as per usual.
SG1 were laughing hysterically.
Well, not all of SG1. Jack wasn't. He was quite annoyed, actually. "What? Don't I look good in a Santa Suit?"
Sam poked his fat stomach. "You used too many pillows, Jack. You look like Homer Simpson."
"Hey! I do not!"
Teal'c grinned. "You do look most amusing, Colonel O'Neill."
"Yeah, well, so do you, but you don't see me laughing."
"You look kinda scary, actually. I hope your not planning on waking Cassie up." Sam was still poking him.
Jack pushed away her hand. "Will you stop poking me? How would you like to be poked?"
Sam started giggling harder.
"Hey, I didn't mean it *that* way!"
"What way, Jack?" Daniel asked mildly whilst handing him his beard.
"Just never you mind! Thanks." Jack put the beard on.
Sam started giggling even harder again. "You look ridiculous!"
"You're getting nearly as much entertainment out of this as Sara used to."
Daniel looked at his watch. "It's 6 am. If we're gonna take Sam home so she can get changed, and then get to Janet's by 7:30, we'd better get going."
"Yeah, you're right." Jack walked to the door. "Coming, children?"
Jack pulled up outside Sam's house. "Hurry up."
Sam saluted. "Yes Sir, Santa!" She clambered out of the car and ran up to her door.
Jack turned to look at Daniel and Teal'c in the backseat. He noticed that Teal'c's eyes were shut. He looked at Daniel. "You didn't say anything to Teal'c about last night on the roof, did you?"
Teal'c opened his eyes. "No, Daniel did not tell me about how you and Major Carter were kissing last night on the roof." He smiled slowly.
Jack cursed. "Jesus, Daniel. Can't you keep your mouth shut?"
Daniel grinned. "No. Was I wrong to tell him?"
Jack sighed. "Just don't you two tell anybody else, ok?"
Daniel imitated Sam. "Yes Sir, Santa!"
Jack looked at his watch. "How long does she wanna take?" He looked at the door.
Daniel cleared his throat. "Ah, Jack? Exactly what *did* happen last night?"
Jack sighed again. "Well, after I got sick of watching you teach Teal'c how to wrap a present, I decided to go up on the roof and think. But I found Sam up there. After I scared the wits out of her, we talked."
"You talked."
"Yeah. About her Dad. She was wondering if he knew it was Christmas. I told her about the present he sent through."
"The necklace?"
"Yeah. Well, I didn't tell her what it was. Anyway, then I apologized about the whole mistletoe thing, and well... I suppose the phrase 'and one thing led to another' is quite fitting." Jack lent back in his seat and smiled. He sighed again, this time more contentedly.
Daniel caught this. "You really like her, don't you?"
"Yep, Danny boy. That I do." Jack looked back to Sam's front door again. His mouth dropped open. "Woah."
Sam was just coming out. She was dressed in a red Mrs. Claus dress... well a Ms. Claus would be a better description. Short skirt, high heels, red lipstick. Her Santa hat was carefully pinned in place, and she had a sparkle in her eye.
Daniel stared. "Woah... ah, Jack? She looks... better than you do."
"You can say that again... no you can't! Get your eyes off her!"
"Joking, Jack! Calm down."
Sam walked around to the front passenger door. She got in. She giggled as the eyes of the three men continued to stare. "Ah, Jack? You ready to go? We don't want to be late."
Jack saluted, a sly smile on his face. "Yes Ma'am."
Sam, Jack, Daniel and Teal'c stood on Janet's doorstep. They were all holding their presents for Cassie. Sam pushed the doorbell again.
They heard footsteps from behind the door. The door opened, and there stood Janet. "Jack! I thought Santa came in through the chimney!"
"Too fat this year. Plus I have all these followers." He stepped forward. "Janet, I'd like you to meet Ms. Claus, and two of my helpful elves."
Janet smiled, then her eyes widened as she caught all of Sam's costume. "Looking good, Sam." She smiled mischievously.
Jack walked in, followed by the rest. Sam nearly dropped her end of the telescope as they rounded the corner into the living room. She and Jack went immediately over to the tree and deposited their present. Sam looked around. "Where's Cassie? Doesn't she know it's a tradition that the kids always have to wake up at 4 am?"
Cassie looked in from the doorway. "No, I didn't. I got up at 5." She ran over to Sam. "Merry Christmas!"
Sam hugged her. "A Merry Christmas to you too! Do you like my outfit?"
"Very chic." She turned to Jack. "He just looks weird."
"Well, thank you. Nice to know my efforts were appreciated." He gathered Cassie up in a bearhug. "And how is my little rug-rat doing?"
"Good," she said before kissing him on the forehead. "Now let me down. I wanna say hi to Teal'c and Danny."
A short while later, the six of them were sitting under the tree. Jack handed Cassie Daniel's gift. "This is from Daniel."
Cassie started to open it. She read the name on the box. "Age of Empires. Cool! I was looking at this at the mall. Thank you, Danny!" She hugged him.
"Hey, you're welcome."
Janet looked at Daniel. "Age of Empires. That sounds suspiciously like an archeology game."
Daniel smiled shyly. "You got me there."
Teal'c handed Cassie his gift. "Here, open this, Cassandra."
Cassie opened it. "A Furby! Thanks Teal'c!" She hugged Teal'c. He managed to look embarrassed.
Janet groaned. "Oh no. I bought you a Furby too."
Cassie's face lit up. "Two Furby's! They can speak to each other! Even better!" She started to rummage through the pile of boxes.
Janet looked confused. "Speak to each other?"
Sam smiled. "They interact with each other. Don't you watch TV?"
"Apparently not."
Cassie found Sam and Jack's huge present. "Woah. What's this?" She checked the nametag. "Yep, it's for me. Can I open it?"
Jack smiled at her. "Sure. Hope you like it."
Cassie smiled eagerly and started ripping the paper. She gasped as she saw it. "It's a telescope!"
Janet's eyes widened. "Jack, you shouldn't have!"
Jack got up from his seat and stood behind Sam. He put his hand on her shoulder. "It's from the two of us."
Sam nodded. "We thought she'd like it."
Janet looked at the two of them. "Still..."
Cassie ran up and hugged them. "You two are the greatest!" She went back to investigating the present.
Suddenly there was a bark, followed by the frantic footsteps of Cassie's dog. He ran up to the girl and licked her face. He then went around the circle, sniffing everyone.
Janet got up. "Hey, boy. I've got a present for you!" She walked into the kitchen, and got a big bone from the fridge. The dog ran to her. Janet opened the door, and threw the bone outside. "Fetch!"
The dog bounded outside, and ran to where the bone was lying on the lawn. Janet closed the door. She walked back into the living room. "Hey, who wants a coffee?"
There was a general murmur of 'yes' from all there. Cassie asked, "Can I have a hot chocolate?"
Janet nodded. "Yep."
Sam stood up. "I'll come and help." She smiled at Jack before leaving the room.
Janet caught the smile. "What's going on?" She asked as they entered the kitchen. "Buying presents *together*, wearing *matching* outfits... what's up?"
Sam tried to look innocent. "*Nothings* up," she whispered.
"Then why are you whispering?"
"Ok, so you've got me," Sam replied. "We kissed. Once. Last night. On his roof."
"On his *roof*?"
"Yeah. I was using his telescope."
Janet looked amazed. "Well *finally*! How? What happened?"
"Well, after the four of us bought Cassie's presents, we all went around to Jack's house to wrap them. Well, we were drinking beer, and talking, like we often do. Daniel explained to Teal'c why we wrap presents in paper. Teal'c and Daniel talked about Santa myths on Chu'lak and Abydos. Jack talked about dressing up in a Santa suit when Charlie was little, scaring him, and then stripping and doing a monkey dance in his boxer's-"
"A monkey dance in his Boxer's?"
"I know! We laughed about that one, let me tell you. Anyway, then Jack went to get more beer, and I followed him. I asked him if he missed Sara."
"Oh-oh."
"No! He said that although he missed Charlie, and he missed having a family, he didn't really miss Sara. He was over her."
"Over her?" Janet raised her eyebrows.
"Yeah. Then he changed the topic. He mentioned that I was standing under the mistletoe."
"But I thought you said that you kissed..."
"I know. Well, we did that whole 'sexual innuendo' thing, he joined me under the mistletoe, and then he decided that he wouldn't kiss me after all."
"What did you do?"
"Dragged him back, made Daniel confirm that Jack *did* have to kiss me, then left him there."
Janet's eyes were wild. "Why?!"
Sam shrugged. "I didn't want him to win. Remember, I'm surrounded these by men day in, day out. I have to do *something* to preserve my dignity. Anyway, I then went up on his roof. About ten minutes later, Jack joined me. Well, first he scared the hell out of me, then he joined me. We talked... about my Dad. He said that he sent a present through for me."
"He did. It's gorgeous."
"You know what it is?"
"*Everybody* knows. He didn't tell you?"
Sam looked outraged. "He said he didn't know! He lied! I'm gonna get him later..."
"Your Dad did want it to be a surprise. The note he sent through with it told Jack that if you found out what it was early, Jack would die."
"Oh. I'm still going to get him, though. Well, back to the story. Jack then apologized for the mistletoe thing, but I said that he didn't need to... and then... we kissed."
"And?"
"And then Daniel came up to find Jack, saw us, tripped over and spoiled the moment."
Janet covered a bemused smile. "Oh boy. That's some story!"
Jack poked his head in through the doorway. "Hey, you two! Stop gossiping! The kettle's boiling!"
"Holy Hannah!" Sam turned off stove and picked up the kettle. "Ouch!" She dropped the kettle on the floor. "That's hot!"
Jack rushed to her side. He carefully inspected her hand. "You've burnt it." He led her to the sink, and turned on the cold tap. Sam put her hand under the water.
"Cassie! Could you get the medical kit out of the bathroom? Sam's burnt her hand," Janet called out.
"Yeah Mom!"
Daniel and Teal'c rushed in. "What happened?"
"She burnt her hand." Jack inspected the kettle. "Janet, did you know that the handle was broken?"
"No, I didn't." Janet took the medical kit off Cassie. "I've got some burn cream in here somewhere. Let me look at your hand."
Sam pulled her hand out from under the water and turned off the tap. She showed it to Janet. There was an ugly red welt on it.
"Jesus, Sam! We're off duty and yet you still manage to get injured." Jack looked concerned.
"Jack, it's not as bad as it looks. She'll be fine." Janet put some cream on it, then wrapped it in gauze.
Jack still looked worried.
"Jack, I'm fine." Sam looked at Cassie. "Go finish opening your presents."
The girl looked at Sam, nodded, then left the room. Daniel and Teal'c followed.
Jack remained behind. "Are you *sure* your ok?"
"Yes I'm sure. Now get! I was talking to Janet about you."
"Yes ma'am." He said mischievously.
Janet finished with Sam's hand. "So, you were saying..."
"Well, I'd kinda finished, actually."
"I mean, what's happening now? Do you like him?"
"Like him?"
"Like, like-like him?"
"Janet, you sound like a teenager."
"I know. Isn't it fun?"
Sam sighed. "Yes, I 'like-like' him. I've 'like-liked' him for a while now."
"I know."
"But- the regulations say..."
"Sam, screw the regulations. Go for it."
"Who said what about screwing the regulations?" Jack was in the doorway again.
Sam turned to him. "Jack! Get!"
"But I'm lonely out here without you." He put on a puppy dog face.
Sam through her hands up in the air. "I'm surrounded by juveniles!" She marched back into the living room, shaking her head.
Jack grinned to Janet. "Got her!"
The rest of the day was filled with laughter. Cassie, as it turned out, had been spoiled rotten by all who knew her. She had gotten both a new bike and a CD player from Janet, along with the 'stocking fillers' that had been put under the tree. One of her friends had walked around after lunch, bringing even more gifts. Cassie's friend, Marney, was staying the night, so the two girls retired to her room to 'get ready' for the party later that evening.
The men spent the afternoon relaxing in the living room, watching TV and talking whilst Sam and Janet cooked for the party. Sam stood in the doorway watching them, outraged. "Why is it that the women always have to do all the work?"
Janet joined her. "Come on, look at them. As if they're not working."
"Oh, it must be hard, drinking beer and watching TV. Poor them."
"Anyway, as if any of them can cook. Look at the bright side- at least this way they're not under our feet."
Sam turned to Janet. "Actually, Jack cooks surprisingly well. And Daniel can ground flour."
"They can? Well why didn't you say so?" Janet marched out into the living room. "Listen up men," she started, standing in front of the TV and obscuring Jack's view. "You guy's are gonna get up off your lazy butt's and finish cooking dinner."
Jack looked shocked. "Now, just you wait here one minute..."
Sam stood next to Janet. "No. Get up, Jack, or you won't be eating tonight. Are we understood?"
Daniel was struggling with the concept. "But..."
Sam's gaze became flinty. "Are we *understood*?"
Daniel looked down. "Yes Sam, Janet." He looked at the other two men. "Come on, Teal'c. Let's see what's going on in the kitchen..." He left quickly.
Teal'c looked at Sam. "Major Carter, I thought I understood all of the customs of Christmas. I was wrong." He followed Daniel.
Jack remained in his seat. "Now look here, ladies. I'm all up for men helping in the kitchen, but I was watching the game!" He went to take another sip of his beer.
Sam lent down closer to him. "Now look here, Jack. We can do this the easy way, or the hard way. The easy way is, you get up now, apologize for your sexist attitude, and help the other guys in the kitchen. Or, we can do it the hard way. That involves me kicking your ass. Your choice." She smiled sweetly.
Jack was about to retort when he noticed that he could see right down the front of Sam's dress. He grinned. "Ah, Sam?" he asked, eyebrows raised. He continued staring.
Sam noticed what he was doing. She blushed, but continued to lean over him.
Janet looked at the two of them. She laughed, and disappeared back into the kitchen.
Jack continued to stare.
Sam continued to lean, but also continued to blush.
Jack looked up at her face. It was as red as a beetroot. A very beautiful beetroot. He shrugged. "Ok. You win. I'll help with the cooking."
Sam stood up. "You'll help with the cooking?"
Jack stood up. "Yes, but under one condition."
"What?"
"You won't kill me after this." And he kissed her. Quickly, and then darted into the kitchen.
Sam pounded the floor with one small foot. "Damn." She turned to Janet, who had been watching in the doorway. Janet was laughing. "I guess you lost *that* one, Sam."
Sam glared at her. "Shut up. Just shut up."
Dr. Kate, 1999
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This was going to be the last part of this series, but I really want to have the Christmas dinner, and I've run out of room (I'm writing to a page limit, here- self imposed, but it makes me a better writer). So there'll be a part four.
Christmas is a great time, and I thought it would be fun to see all the SGC folk relaxing. The only time I remember seeing them do this in the show was at Daniel's 'wake', although, that was a sad situation, so it doesn't really count.
Did Cassie ever name the dog Jack gave her? I can't remember, so I just called it 'Cassie's Dog'. That's good enough, I suppose.
And have we ever gone to Janet's house in an episode before? Again, I can't remember, so I'm making her house up.
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