Jaffa Cakes and Other Niceties
Jaffa Cakes and Other Niceties
by author
TITLE: Jaffa Cakes and Other Niceties
Author: Dizzy and Demon Faith
Email: vampae@hotmail.com
Category: Humor, Romance
Pairing: Daniel/Sam, Jack/Janet, Teal'c/other, other pairing
Spoilers: Nothing
Season: 4
Rating: PG-13
Content Warnings: adult themes
Status: Completed
Summary: This is madness. Mine and Demons Faiths attempt at getting Daniel and Sam together. Our way.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
Author's notes: Beth and I (Dizzy) wrote this between the two of us, so most of the credit goes to her. She helps me with all my stuff. Long live the SDR!!
"Jack?" Jack O'Neill turned at the sound of his name to see Daniel and Sam looking at him.
"Yeah?" he replied, as Teal'c approached them.
"Colonel O'Neill. You are supposed to be in the infirmary. Doctor Frazier is waiting"
"Oh." Jack sighed and moved past them, towards the infirmary, as the klaxons went off, indicated that there was an incoming traveller.
"Oh, saved by the klaxon!" he yelled and ran off towards the gate room.
"Lucky sod" muttered Sam
"Sure is" Daniel agreed and they followed him.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"I think we can achieve a lot on this mission. Do the military own black satin sheets?"
"Nu huh. I don't think so. Anyway. This is serious Beth"
Two strangely random girls were wandering down the ramp as SG-1 skidded into the room.
"Yeah, we're going to alter their lives forever. And send a certain Colonel back to Edora!" the smaller of the two spoke, grinning, as the taller one shook her head.
"Ssshhh!! You can't say that out loud" she spots the waiting greeting party. "Oh...we're here"
"Yes, how intriguing. Heydy Sam, Daniel, Nice to finally meet you."
Dizzy rolls her eyes at her friend. "Yes. Greetings"
Hammond looked at them "Who are you?"
"Friendly match-making aliens! From...a galaxy far, far away." Dizzy sniggered. Beth sure had an imagination
Dizzy put her head in her hands and sighed. "Well. Don't listen to her. I'm Dizzy, that's Beth." The taller one, Dizzy, pointed at the smaller one. Beth. "We come in...peace?"
**Yeah** thought Dizzy. **Like they'll believe that!**
"Pieces. Or we would, if you'd have left the iris closed. Itsy Bisty pieces. By the way, is Jack around? i must discuss his magnets"
"Beth!!" Dizzy grabbed her arm "They'll lock us up if you carry on." she sighed. "Yes...well...hang on...why did the iris open...did you use that device Beth??"
Hammond looked between them "Device?" Sam and the rest of the team just watched the newcomers with interest
"Yes, i did. And it involved a complex theorem of magnets. Which is why i want to congratulate Jack for the idea!"
"Beth! We're NOT supposed to know how to build those, let alone use them! And what is with your obsession with Jack. I refuse to let you send him to Edora!"
:
"Cos i want him out of the way! And cos I can't have the 'other one', i want Jack. Or Teal'c. Ooh, hot Jaffa. Beth smiled at Teal'c, who returned her smile
Dizzy sighed again and saw that the weapons had been lowered. "Um...they trust us"
"If you would like to follow us, we can go to the infirmary and sort this all out, after your medical" Hammond looked at them suspiciously
Dizzy gulped. "Medical?" as Daniel added. "What other one?"
"Can i watch?" added Beth, as Daniel turned crimson.
"Beth. They mean us having medicals. Although i wouldn't have minded watching theirs" she grinned as she saw Jack and then Daniel blush again
**This could be great fun** thought Dizzy to herself, as she smiled openly at Jack and he smiled back. **Pity Daniel is off limits**
Beth nudged Dizzy, and smiled at Teal'c "Dibs on the hot Jaffa"
"Nu huh. Fight ya for it" she teased her. "Naw, your welcome to him...think i can get my hands on our subject?"
"Give me one minute," Beth said, before going straight up to Teal'c.
"Hey, can you dance, baby?"
Dizzy could almost hear Jack complaining about explaining dancing to Teal'c. "I can dance a ritual dance. Why do you ask?"
Dizzy shook her head horrified. "Wrong thing to say" she muttered
"How about i show you a ritual dance, sometime? There's this one i know you'll just love..." Beth said, suggestively, before leaving for the infirmary.
"Damn shame he's about eighty years too old for me, huh?" she whispered to Dizzy
"Since when has age bothered you? Remember that guy on Georga?" she reminded her friend. "He was about 120 years too old for you"
"True. I'll work on it."
Dizzy shook her head. "Do you think the SDR will go mad if i go after Daniel?"
"Hell, *I* will go mad. Stick with the Silver Fox!" Beth winked, as she walked into the infirmary.
Dizzy blinked and opened in mouth in shock and followed Beth in, muttering. Daniel had gone crimson at her words and was muttering "Silver Fox?"
"Don't worry, sweetheart, we have someone delightful for you. And you are the most sexy and gorgeous man around, but we're saving you for the best."
Dizzy tried not to giggle as Janet came over and rescued him.
"Listen to them, Danny, they do have a point." She grinned and winked at the two newcomers.
Dizzy blinked. "You agreed with us. You. Agreed......aaah....brain overload..." she pulled a face and then looked calm again as Daniel spoke quickly..."I have to work in my lab..." he got out and legged it. Dizzy just looked at Beth
"Hmm...think we scared him?"
"A little. But we'll save him later," Beth said, inclining her head towards Sam. Janet, who misses nothing, smiled.
"I like that. I've been trying for years." Beth and Janet shared a smile, whilst Dizzy stared at Sam.
"You have?" Dizzy smiled. "Then we might have a job for you" she looked between Beth and Janet and smirked. "Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking. That this nice doctor may have a thing for the Colonel you want to send back to Edora?"
"Hmm...yes. But, who will you have? And the Jaffa is MINE!"
Teal'c looked around, startled.
"That was a little loud, wasn't it?" said Beth, shyly.
Dizzy nodded, scrunching her nose up. "Yeah. A little. And i get job satisfaction. I don't need a guy through every planet." she sighed.
"Okay. I'm lying. Who's left?"
"George? Graham? He's hot. Major Davies - he's nice. Very nice. Go for him."
"You know Beth, we are fairly cruel. We go after all these blokes.....your right. Major Davies is cute....Janet? Can you get him down here?"
Dizzy threw a look at Beth, of pure deviousness, and was pleased to see that it was returned. Major Davis from the Pentagon was hot!!
"Hmm...interesting. Well, until this fun is over, I'm going to learn Kelnoreem! See ya!", and with that Beth walked out with Teal'c. Hammond and Sam were about to say that she hadn't had her medical, and Dizzy smiled apologetically at them.
"I'll get her to come back later and have one"
Janet nodded. Jack and Sam left together, which made Dizzy scowl, and Hammond soon after that.
"Lousy JS people" she muttered, and Janet looked up in shock
"What did you say?"
Dizzy had the grace to blush. "Where I come from, well, me and Beth, there are people who think Jack and Sam should get together, and people like me and Beth that think Daniel and Sam should get together"
Janet sighed. "No one thinks me and someone should get together though, do they?"
Dizzy sniggered. "Well, you have got the Janet and Hammond people"
"Eww!!" Janet told her and pulled out a needle that she had just stabbed Dizzy in the arm with.
"However..." carried on Dizzy "Me and Beth are here to convince a certain Colonel that you two are meant for each other"
Almost instantly, Dizzy sighed with relief, knowing she was back in the Doctor's favourite book again. That was good. And worth it. Within minutes the examination was over and Dizzy was off, and free. With a deal...
* * * * * * * * * * * *
After around 3 hours, Beth and Dizzy had met up again, this time to convince Daniel and Sam they were made for each other.
"She's got coffee Daniel. Lots of Coffee...and you'll be away from me for a while"
Beth and Dizzy were dragging a reluctant Daniel to Sam's lab.
"And cookies. Don't forget the cookies. They're delicious and crumbly...and Sam won't mind if you get crumbs on the bedsheets! Oops...did I *really* just say that?"
:
Dizzy throws her a look at Daniels confusion. "Don't mind her. She's....well....her. Anyway. Sam is waiting"
:
"For you. Only for you. And she may be persuaded to reveal her secret lingerie collection!"
"Beth!" she glares again as she pushes Daniel and shuts the door, locking it. "You nearly gave it away!"
"Sorry, truth drug from infirmary. Will pass out now."
Beth hits the floor with a thud
Dizzy blinks and sighs, grabbing a cup of water from a water machine and pouring it over her
"Come on...we have to tell them our plan now"
"I'm moving, I'm moving," Beth grouches, sleepily.
She raps on the door sharply.
"Hey, you two in there! Get it on before I get back!"
Dizzy covers her mouth, sniggering hard at the surprise in the replies. "Get what on?" came Daniels voice
"He's sooooo cute" Dizzy sighs
Beth rolls her eyes despairingly.
"Just kiss her, for crying out loud!"
"Kiss me?!" came the unmistakable voice of Sam
Dizzy looks at Beth
"Oh come on! It had to spelled out to them. They're denser than Jack at times! And that's saying something!" Beth yelled, rolling her eyes
"I agree" she bangs on the door. "Look, you love him, he loves you...get it on!!" Dizzy yelled at them now.
Dizyz looks at Beth "coffee?"
"No, infirmary," Beth says, as she crashes to the floor for a second time.
"Infirmary" Dizzy muttered as she started to drag Beth back to the infirmary to see Janet again. "I'd like a bit of that truth drug...or maybe not"
Then she stopped.
"How come I didn't get any of that?!"
* * * * * * * * * * *
In the infirmary, whilst Beth was waking up, Dizzy and Janet hatched their plan. Janet called Jack in his office and asked him to come down and talk to the strangers. He came immediately, worry on his face, and then saw Dizzy, and Beth crashed out on the bed.
"What's going on?" he asked them and they grinned at each other, as Janet walked over and kissed him
"Um...that?" Dizzy managed to get out in between cheering and trying to wake Beth up to see it.
Jack broke away, looked between her and Janet and then grinned, pulling Janet towards her office.
"Jack?"
"Mnnhmm?"
"Her office is the other way"
"Mnnnyou"
Dizzy laughed and poured more water over Beth who finally woke up. After filling her in on what happened, Beth checked the time and realised she was late for yet another date with Teal'c. So she left.
Dizzy looked around and then her eyes lit up as Major Davies came in, for a report from Doc Frasier.
"Is the Doctor around?" he asked her.
She pointed at the office. "She's a little busy...maybe I can help" she told him, sashaying over to him, sexily...
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"How long do you think they'll keep us here?" whined Daniel.
"Until someone misses us, or we do as they ask"
"Get what on though" Sam just burst out laughing when he said that.
"Daniel. She wants us to get together. They both do"
"Oh" was his only reply. Sam pouted, hurt.
"Am I that bad?"
"Not really.....um...no" Daniel blurted out. He looked at her cute blonde hair, surrounding those blue eyes, as she looked at his short hair, and those handsome features.
"So, if I do this, you don't mind?"
"Do what....oh" she leant over and kissed him full on the lips.
He kissed back for a full minute and then broke off.
"Actually....its perfect" he told her and kissed her again.
"Daniel?" same broke away this time
"Uh huh?"
"We're still locked in"
"Oh" Daniel pulled back as Sam grinned. "But, however, I have a spare locking key"
They both grinned deviously and left quickly, making their way to the storage area to hide and make out again.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"Do you think they did it?"
Beth looked at her friend, strangely
"Did what?"
"Oh Beth, you know"
"Be more specific. My brain is all fuzzy."
"Your brain is always fuzzy. In fact I don't think you can even call it a ......"
Dizzy grinned at her best friend.
"DIZZY!!!!! There are intelligent people with sharp ears behind that door!"
Dizzy sniggered. "However its true. And intelligent? They've taken this long to be in the same room together....Now Major Davies.....mnmmnnn"
"i don't want to hear about you and Major Davies. Teal'c took me seriously about the Kelnoreem thing. I've been trying to communicate with my non-existent symbiont for the past three hours!"
Dizzy covered her mouth with her hand, giggling "Didn't you think to tell him you didn't have one?"
"I did, repeatedly."
"Did he listen?"
They realised that they were still outside the door, so Dizzy banged on the door without waiting for an answer "You two finished?" she yelled as Jack turned the corner..."Uh oh"
"You don't want to know. And, hi Jack, come with me!" Dizzy spotted something on his lips...
"Beth!" she hissed. "Hes covered in lipstick..."
Beth quickly grabbed Jack's arm, ad led him purposefully towards the infirmary.
"Back where you belong!"
Dizzy sniggered again and banged the door. "Come on!! Talk to me. I got a date with Major Davies later!"
She turned around to see Beth in the corner
"BETH!!" she yelled at the top of her voice
"Hang on - i'm giving Jack lessons!" came a strangled voice from around the corner.
"Get your hands off him!" she howled and stormed over, dragging Beth back with her. "You got Teal'c Janet got Jack. I got Davies. Get your ass over here with the key!"
"I was teaching him golf, i swear! his backswing is terrible!"
Suddeenly, Beth stopped.
"What key?"
Dizzy scowled and then blinked. "They key to Sam's lab. Where we locked her and Daniel...."
Dizzy trailed off, as Beth continued to look at her blankly.
"Beth. You've got the key"
"No, you have the key."
"No. I gave it to you. Right before i took you back to the infirmary becuase you passed out."
"No, you didn't."
"Yes I did"
Dizzy stared at her "You know what this means. If i haven't got it...and you haven't got it...."
"Then, we've lost it?" Beth said, cautiously, already cringing at the obvious answer.
Dizzy didn't speak, just nodded.
"Oh boy. The boss is going to love this"
"Y'mean, Janet?"
"Nu huh. I mean the boss boss. Of SDR"
"We're supposed to get them together...not lock them up forever...ooo that rhymes!"
"Dizzy, the boss boss is ME! And I won't kill us. Wait - why can't we hear anything?"
"Your the boss boss?" Dizzy blinked "I never knew that." she realised that Beth had asked something. "No idea. Maybe they died of Oxygen starvation"
"No. I think I know what happened to the key" said Beth, gently pushing out a panel of wood from the door.
"Wow. I thought the doors where metal. All fireproof and that." Dizzy looked just like her name.
"No, Daniel insists on oak."
"But it's Sam's lab"
"Don't be picky"
Dizzy shut up for a moment and then sighed.
"Hm. I like him even more now" she smiles wistfully. "Can we take him home with us?"
"No, he must stay with Sam! That was the point of this mission, after all."
"But Beth. You know I have always liked him..."
"No, no and no. Go on your date with Paul, and then we leave. Sans Daniel."
She sighed. "What are you going to do with Teal'c?"
"You don't want to know."
She cringed and then looked wistfully at the door. "He'd like our planet" and then she glared at Beth "Ew...please don't appeal to my sick mind"
Beth just smiled and walked away.
Dizzy shook her head and started to try and open to door to grab Daniel and make a run for it.
"For the last time, he's not in there! They've escaped!"
"Huh? Where? How? What?" this had completely passed her by "I know where i would hide if i were them" she murmered
"Go to the storage lockers then!"
Dizzy blinked. "How did you know that?"
"Instinct."
"Gah, i wouldn't pay pennies for your instinct. I'm coming with you. LEts leave them to it. If they've escaped, that means that we have succeeded"
"You can't come with me."
"Why not?" Dizzy looked wounded
"Um...I'm practicing Kelnoreem."
"Thats what they call it now is it?" Dizzy grinned cheekily and dived away to meet up with Major Davies
Beth just scowled, and went to find her Jaffa.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Hours later, Dizzy saw the time. Daniel and Sam were safely in Daniel's lab now. Jack and Janet were still in the infirmary, and Major Davies had gone back to the pentagon.
It was time to get Beth, and rescue Teal'c.
Dizzy banged on Teal'c doorr "BETH!"
"Not NOW!!!"
"YES NOW! WE HAVE TO GO!"
"Hang on."
Dizzy scowled and waited
There was deperate shuffling from behind the door.
"Oh great. So THATS what they were doing" she sighed
"HEY! I heard that!"
"You were meant to!" she yelled back and looked at her nails. Damn, the black paint was chipped off one
Beth came out, desperately trying to hide the love bites on her neck.
Dizzy rubbed her eyes and quickly hid her messed up hair and love bitten neck as well. "Have a good time?"
"Nope" Beth grinned
"Me neither" she looked at Beth, a huge smirk on her face and they both started laughing together
"Oh boy, we have to come back here some time" said Dizzy, thinking of Paul.
"Yep." Replied Beth, thinking of Teal'c.
Laughing together, they walked down the corridor.
"Ready to go home for now? Or onto the next mission?"
"Hey you got the device to turn on the stargate?" Dizzy asked, suddenly.
"Nope. Teal'c has it."
"Beth, we kinda need that to get home"
"Well, he needs it more."
"Why?"
"Don't ask"
"Oh, now i really want to know. Why does Teal'c want a device that will only dial up our home....oh" suddenly Dizzy understood and blushed. Beth tried not to laugh.
"Quite."
"Beth. You are awful...and isn't that Colonel O'Neill leaving the infirmary....covered in more lipstick?"
"Let's not ask. Let's just go home."
"Beth we can't until you get our device back off Teal'c"
"Ah, but we can."
"How?"
"Just follow me."
"Do I really want to?" Dizzy shuddered. It wasn't always a good idea to follow Beth.
"Come on!"
They walked to the gate room and Beth pulled out another device.
"Oh...okay" Dizzy sighed as the Stargate switched on, just like Thor did.
Sg-1 suddenly burst into the gate room again.
"Hey you two!" Sam called out.
"Yep?" replied Dizzy
"Thanks" she smiled and took Daniels hand in hers. Janet suddenly turned up and her and Jack started kissing again in the corner. General Hammond looked thoroughly disgusted, and Teal'c even smiled at Beth, showing very sexy white teeth.
"We'd better go"
"Hang on" said Daniel "Where are you from?" he asked, concerned.
Dizzy and Beth looked at each other and grinned.
"The SDR!!!" they chorused and walked through the gate.
The End
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