Drunken Ice Hockey
Drunken Ice Hockey
by Colonel Sho
Title: Drunken Ice Hockey
Author: Colonel Sho
Email: colonel_sho@yahoo.co.uk
Category: Challenge, Humor
Episode related: 419 Prodigy
Season: Season 4
Pairing: Daniel/Janet, none, Sam/Jack
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: adult themes, none
Summary: Response to Challenge. Baseically SG-1 play hockey . Drunk
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Drunken Ice Hockey
Response to challenge ~ 1,238 submitted by Heist at Heliopolis:
1. The whole SG crew get involved in one huge ball hockey game, with Danny as one Captain and Jack as the other. (This means ALL the crew) with Teal'c as one goalie and Hammond as the other.
2. After the game, Teal'c and Jack have a drinking contest.
Authors notes: So naturally I said to myself 'I'm gonn'a make this humour right?' Man I hope so. Category: Humour, or so I tell people, if u don't find it humorous just call it, jez I dunno, 'light drama' maybe. Season: Anytime after season 4
Pairings: Jack/Sam, Daniel/Janet.
Disclaimer: I own, Natta, zip, zero, zilch, squat did-ily-ot. Notes: Plz, I beg you R n' R, my typing monkey needs something to keep him alive in the passing weeks.
*You make me feel like dancing. *
Came the song (war cry) from one of the observers. A crowd had gathered around the bases' 'new' ice rink, to watch a great battle, mano el mano, boyo el boyo, man to man, boy to boy.... and women, girls ... etc, you get the general idea.
"So Sir,"
Jack looked around, the voice belonged to Dr. Janet Fraiser kitted out in all the bells and whistles, looking rather like a butch Pygmy warrior, war paint an' all. The slightly less sober Colonel spun around on his skates.
"Doc?"
Jack slurred and tried to gain his focus. Janet waved her hand at him; Jack grabbed it to steady himself.
"Hey ya, Jan, Jan, Janney, Jan, Jan."
Jack spoke (whilst merrily or drunkenly (that a word?) grinning to himself.) to a particularly spacious piece of.... space
"Sir, I'm over here."
Janet grabbed Jack by both shoulders to steady him (and herself). She was half plastered herself, well she'd have to be, she'd never let the men and women of the SGC play a match or two of 'Drunken Ice Hockey' (As the Colonel had profoundly named it, taking pride in his naming abilities.) without have being per swayed by Jim, Jack, Johnny Red, Johnny Black and Jose, (they're not Hockey players BTW, try very strong liquors ... south of the boarder). Daniel had been given a good slap on the back by Jack (whilst on Ice wearing Ice Skates this is not advised) for getting Janet, um for lack of better words mentally incapacitated.
"Oh, so you are, would you look at that."
Jack stared over her head, squinting into the horizon, his line of sight was being distracted by the SGC's mascot, one Harry Maybourne dressed up as a Meerkat (A Meerkat!!! how does that fit into the SGC?), Janet pouted (she was obviously as perplexed at the idea of a Meerkat being the SGC's mascot as the rest of us).
"So Colonel."
She did a mock salute, wobbling a bit, Jack grabbed her arms, feeling an unenviable attack of the splits coming on they both held on for dear life, but silly ickle things like that wouldn't stop an Air Force Colonel and a well trained Chief Of Medicine, from getting on and having a good ol' chat now would they... would they!!!!
"How'd ya' fancy your chances of scoring tonight?"
What a conundrum, Jack frowned.
"With Carter?"
Typical male answer to such a question, Janet thought.
"No Colonel."
Now Janet frowned.
"Huh... well, what then?"
Jack said, still distracted by the now back flipping Maybourne, Jack decided he was going to ask him how he flips ('flips', because this has happened more than this once) so high on such a tiny bar.
"Scoring ... against Daniel's team, Sir."
"Oooooh riiight... nah i don't follow."
Jack scratched his helmet, his head being underneath it and all. Janet blinked and skated off, man he can be dense when he wants to be she thought, crashing into the puck that Lieutenant Hailey had carelessly chucked onto the rink. Jack shook his head, his loosely fastened headgear falling down on the one side, the buckle poking him in the eye.
"Sir!"
Jack spun round again, the buckle now poking into his other eye; he scrunched his face up in pain. Major Samantha Carter (boy, is her name a space filler) and (for extra kicks in page filling) General George Hammond looked shocked; appalled even at the face the Colonel was pulling at them.
"Oh fine, be that way."
The Major said in a childish manner turning her back to him and joining her team mates in a before game huddle, Jack just simply itched his nose, before not so gracefully skating off to join the others. On the Colonel's team he had, himself (big bonus there), Sam Carter, the General, Feritti and the bases newest edition to the infirmary (putting more people in, than actually curing and sending them back to work) Lucy Knight (not the one who was killed off in ER), Jack wanted her on the team because he liked her, she had style in his eyes, mind you he had been on his 5th 'JackDaniels' at the time of picking the teams. Daniel had gotten a good deal on his squad; he had himself, Janet, Teal'c, Chevron Guy (come on, you just gott'a have a Chevron guy) and Lieutenant Siler. Both teams where in Pre-game huddles.
"Right kids."
Jack slung his arms around Sam and Lucy, who grinned (she's a true blonde who lives up to the nature of a blonde, which is a true blonde..Ahhh now I've gone and confused myself, but that's enough about me.on with the story) up into his face, what with her being only 5f an all. Jack squeezed one of his arms through into what Feritti had called the 'power ring', and was beginning lose all track of concentration and watch his fingers dance, Hammond kicked him in the Shin (with the 'toe' end, no blood will be shed on my rink ... as the rule book clearly states).
"Son, get on with it."
Jack yelped in pain, hopping about on one foot.
"Ok..."
Rubbing his leg.
"Here's..."
Hopping back and forth on the ice.
"The ... plan ... "
Finally coming to a stand still, he got back into the 'power ring'.
"Ok, Sir your in on the pipe line."
Hammond nodded, not quite understanding the whole conception of being 'on the pipe line' meant.
"Knight ... Feritti you take defending."
"Right."
Chorused the merry two. Sam's eyes danced with excitement, knowing that she was going to get wing attack.
"Ok then good luck team, no rules, regs' or whatever, just get that puck into that ... net ... like ... thing."
He twiddled his index finger trying to recall the name.
"Goal?"
Feritti offered.
"Yeees, 'goal' that's the word I was searching for."
He smiled as he and the others put their hands into the centre of the ring, Sam tapped him on the shoulder, grinning expectantly.
"And ... what about me? ... Where do I go?"
Jack took his arm off Lucy, who pulled a grumpy face and hugged her shoulders for warmth, Feritti put an end to her shivers by flinging an extra hockey shirt over her head, it had been hard enough trying to find one to actually fit her small frame.. This one drowned her, hanging down by her knee caps and that was only the sleeves, she shrugged and skated off (very carefully, taking tiny steps) after Feritti, Hammond stood on his own until he realised he was on his own, he shook himself and went to ask about this so called 'pipe line' thingy. Jack wrapped his arm around Sam as they skated, following his (defiantly not straight) lead to the half waypoint.
"Carter Hon."
They both stopped and frowned at his use of the word 'Hon'.
"Your up-front ... with me."
Jack tried pointing to himself only miss calculating his strength and winding himself.
"Sir you ok?"
She swayed back and forth on her heals. He clutched his stomach.
"Yeah."
He gasped for air, reminding Sam of her ickle fishy wishy back home .. Oh god she hadn't fed him in weeks, that brought a tear to her eye.
"Major?"
Jack asked looking up from his crouched position, giving Lucy the lovely view of his backside.
"Oh it's nothing Sir.. Really its nothing."
Jack smiled and gasped for air once more, Sam broke down.
"Wwwahhhhh noooo my poor fish, I've neglected it for so long, no wonder he never sleeps... He's so depressed from not getting any of my affection, Waaaahhhhh, I'm a bad fish keeper, dad always said I should never have pets 'cause I didn't... sniff ... treat... them ... uh, uh, uh... well ... enough... Wwaaaaa!"
She collapsed onto her knees on the ice and hugged herself and began rocking back and forth. Finding no other way to get down to Sam's level Jack literally skated a few steps then deliberately fell down, shuffling up to her placing his arm around her.
"Sam."
He looked serious.
"I'm sure ickle fishy wishy (Sam's friends knew how much she loved her pet fish, how she would rush home form work just to visit him.) Is fine, he may have a... Slight case of starvation, but that's nothing we can't take care of, remember Teal'c's fish Mario, 'member how skinny he was."
Sam nodded.
"Then you should know how chubby the 'lil fella' got when me and T' had that BBQ and put all the left overs into Mario's tank ... remember?"
Sam smiled,
"Yes, I remember,"
She began laughing.
"And. and then we found out that it was a pike fish, that can go for weeks without eating and then eat anything and everything."
Jack started laughing too.
"Yeah and then it ate me and Teal'c out of house and home."
"He he yeah."
Both of their smiles faded.
"And then he got too fat and exploded."
"Hhhhummmmwaaaahhhhhhhhhh"
Jack quickly held Sam tighter.
"Hey ... hey, but that not going to happen to fishy whishy."
"It's.... it's not?"
"Nope."
Jack planted a kiss on Sam's helmet.
"I'm gonn'a tell Hailey to get over to your house and feed your fish."
"Really?!"
Sam's head shot up, whacking the Colonel in the chin.
"Owwwww.... yes really."
Jack helped her up; Sam gave him a big bear hug.
"Mmmmm thank you Colonel."
She squeezed harder.
"Your ... very... welcome ... Major"
Jack sighed with relief as she let go and skated merrily off to the centre half. Now he could begin rubbing his chin.
Chapter 2: Daniel's Motley Crew of Disorientated Drunks.
"So Teal'c, do you know what you have to do?"
Daniel asked the Jaffa again just to make sure he knew what he was doing. Teal'c the only sober member of the crowd had declined to huddle much to everyone's disappointment, so he stood back from Daniel's motley crew of disorientated drunks or D.M.C.D.D.
"Indeed I do Daniel Jackson."
Daniel grinned like the Cheshire cat.
"Gooooooood."
Daniel patted Teal'c on the back.
"Teal'c why don't you call me .... Your Majesty?!"
"Because your are not Daniel Jackson."
Teal'c said in a matter-o-factly way.
"Ooook good point ...... 'C."
Daniel looked pleased with himself, Teal'c frowned.
"What?! So Jack's aloud to call you T' but I have to call you Teal'c ... Nah your 'C now man."
Teal'c nodded understanding.
"I see."
"Yes you are."
Daniel patted him again this time on the head (we couldn't find a helmet big enough for his ol' noggin).
"Ok "
Daniel smirked, Janet went bog-eyed, Teal'c shifted his weight, Siler put his spanner away and Chevron guy said.
"Chevron 7 is locked."
Janet frowned along with Daniel (Siler didn't notice, he was too busy trying to get his spanner down his trouser leg...not that spanner girls!). Janet shrugged.
"It's a medical condition."
"O...K then shall we."
Daniel shook his head.
"'C your in goals, Janet up front..."
She clenched his fists.
"Yes!!!!"
She skated off and began talking to Lucy. Daniel rolled his eyes (could have just been the alcohol ... but it was probably cause he didn't like that Lucy girl, she had gotten a bit too friendly with her hands more than once when Danny had been in the infirmary.)
"Siler, defending."
Daniel folded his arms.
"And me, I'm our streaker."
Siler choked, Chevron guy smiled.
"Err Dr. Jackson, I think you mean 'striker'."
Daniel frowned.
"Yeah that's what I said streaker."
Siler blinked and skated off to go and marvel at Teal'c in lycra.
"And as for you Chevie."
Chevron Guy wasn't impressed.
"You 'mi compadre' are also defending so,"
Daniel slapped CG' on his butt with his hockey stick and pushed him off in the direction of Siler, Teal'c and Sam. Daniel watched CG get his footing before skating off to the centre of the ice to join Jack for the toss up.
Chapter 3: Let the games begin ... and end.
Jack stood facing Daniel (now that's not to say he's actually paying any attention to him). Jack felt a sharp stabbing pain in his shinbone; it was Daniel's hockey stick.
"Ow! What?!"
Jack looked back to earth, confused.
"Are you ready?"
Daniel asked. Jack looked blank.
"For?"
"The game."
"What game?"
"This game."
"Which is?"
"Hockey"
"Hockey?! What are we playing that for?"
"It was your idea."
"My idea?"
"Yes your idea."
"But why?"
"How should I know."
Sam who had grown tired of Jack and Daniel's pointless banter came over and smacked them both around the helmet simultaneously with her hockey stick.
"OWCH!!"
Came the simultaneous (hey I like the word ... simultaneously) cries of Jack and Daniel.
"What the hell was that for!?"
"No reason."
Sam smiled and skated off again, leaving Daniel and Jack rubbing their helmets. Jack shrugged.
"Women eh?"
Daniel commented.
"Remind me to tell Jacob what his 'daughter',"
Jack told Daniel, accentuating the 'daughter' whilst glaring at Sam.
"Gets up to in her spare time."
As Jack finished his 'memo to self', Jacob came skating on the ice dressed in black and white stripes (traditional soccer wear ...Well if you're the referee anyway). Jack saw Jacob's strange attire thinking nothing of it, other than noticing how the vertical stripes made him look taller.
"Hum."
`Memo to self: don't wear stripes unless suddenly shrink 5 inches.'
"Jack, Daniel."
"Aye."
Daniel gave him the thumbs up while Jack greeted him by raising his middle finger, Jacob copied this gesture. Daniel blinked and looked around to see if anyone else had just seen the dose of insubordination Jack had handed the former General. He turned and saw every other (military) member of the SGC do the same thing and all the Civilians with the same mixture of shock and pure puzzlement. Daniel didn't know, he had spent years studying the many civilisations of earth, but he had never come across a bunch of people who said the word KISS and meant 'Keep It Simple Stupid'. Danny Boy shrugged and turned back to face Jack and Jacob who were having a nice little conversation about cheese? (Some people find its ... texture fascinating... So I'm told, not that I ... Have a thing for cheese 'ahem'.)
"You guys ready?"
"For?"
"Jack!"
Daniel smacked him `round the head once more.
"Don't start."
Jack blinked, quite clearly in shock of being whacked around the head soooo many times in one day.
"Me? Start? Start what? Daniel I wasn't starting anything, nuh uh. Not me no way, no h...."
Cue the whack from Daniel again, Jack began rubbing the back of his helmet, looking at Jacob as if he were a teacher in charge of a class that was `running a mock', his eyes asking `did ... did you just see that ... ? He hit me he did, Did you see Jacob Sir, did you?'. Jacob smiled at the two of them, turning and focusing ... (he'd, well they'd all had something (`s) to drink.) on General Hammond, in the end he ended up mouthing the words `Pathetic' to the goal post ... well I guess one could have mistaken the General for a goal post ... If one was loaded up with a pint of Vodka anyway.
Jack wasn't happy he crossed his arms, casually pretending one elbow slipped and dug Daniel very sharply in the ribcage.
"Wow, Daniel, man I'm sorry."
"Yeah, I bet you are."
Daniel said through gritted teeth, clutching his side.
"GUYS!?"
"WHAT ...."
"For crying out loud?"
Jack and Daniel's outburst, ended with Jack's usual catch phrase.
"Are you ready to play?"
"Oh I dunno Jacob better ask Daniel, I'm mean he's hurting pretty bad."
Jack said sweetly, yet with a certain air of sarcasm.
"Bite me Jack."
Retorted Daniel.
"When and where?"
Jack asked wiggling his eyebrows. Daniel narrowed his eyes, Jack laughed on the inside and continued to carry on the joke, putting his arm around Daniel shoulders and began gently rubbing Daniel's side, putting on these sympathetic eyes and gentle soothing voice.
"You know I didn't really mean to hurt you Daniel."
Jack said innocently and blinked, very sweetly smiling. Daniel quickly pulled away from Jack's reach and stayed away for the rest of the game, which made it ... somewhat interesting. (Well you have your own imaginations to figure out what actually happened.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~LATER~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"We won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won."
CHAPTER 4:
Later that night the guys where hanging out at their local ... by the looks of it ... cess pit (local bar) .
"So let me get the straight."
This came from Hammond who had been asleep most of the match, (seeing as Daniel's team were well ... crap. Hammond never even saw the puck.)
"We won, but Jack still isn't happy because he didn't think you guys gave us (Jack's team) enough competition?"
Daniel's unhappy team all nodded.
"So he's challenged Teal'c (the Jaffa with a symbiote, unable to get plastered) to a drinking competition?"
"Yup."
Janet said, who was fascinated with the ceiling tiles.
"Well actually, the Colonel challenged `Junior' to a drinking competition."
Sam corrected. Everyone (minus Hammond) nodded as though they now understood, Hammond, and Lucy (ever the true blonde) smiled and nodded.
"Right, I'm getting the drinks in, same again?"
Daniel asked around the table. The gang all raised their glasses (even Janet, though she was still captivated by the ceiling tiles).
"Aye."
Chorused the drunken crew.
Meanwhile in some deserted corner of the ... bar (for lack of a better word). Jack and Teal'c stood, observing a large fish tank (lets just say the bar's kitchen catered for all taste buds).
"Ok, T' here what you gotta do."
Teal'c being the only sober one of the bunch was supporting Jack who was leaning heavily on his shoulder, waving occasionally at the fish ... he'd even named one Mr. Wobbly ( I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE I HAVE A THING FOR FISH!!!)
"You gotta place Junior in a tank like this, that's gonna be filled with stuff."
Jack slurred, the `stuff' part had caused Jack to breath in Teal'c's face causing the `big guy' much discomfort .
"'Stuff' O'Neill?"
"Yes T' `stuff' ... alcohol, vodka that kind of `stuff'"
Jack said not realising (well you wouldn't in his state) that vodka was in fact alcohol. Teal'c straightened up at this.
"Indeed O'Neill, but if I remove my symbiote, I will surely die."
"True, but it wont be for very long and ..."
Jack stepped aside revealing a large St. Bernard with its barrel of brandy or whiskey (it's one of the other) hanging from its collar. The dog sat obediently at Jack's side, panting. (God only knows where the dog came from ... maybe it followed him here?)
"We have Bernard here if anything should go wrong."
Teal'c wasn't sure weather to trust O'Neill or not ... (I'd go with `not')
CHAPTER: 5
So Teal'c agreed to this drinking competition, Doctor Fraiser (incapacitated at the time) had told him he could. Teal'c sat by the side of the fish tank in which his symbiote swam in vodka; Colonel O'Neill sat on the bar with shot glasses around him.
"So lemme get this ... Teal'c's thing-me-jig has to drink the equivalent of what ever the Colonel drinks?"
Lucy questioned, standing on a stool leaning on Daniel. Daniel nodded.
"Yup."
"Well that's stupid!"
Lucy being blonde ... well for her of all people to come out with logic was a rare occasion so everyone turned around, frowning.
"Well the fish tank could have holes in."
She shrugged. Everyone turned away, sorry that they had paid attention to her in the first place.
"Well it could!"
She said folding her arms. Sam came over from talking to the Colonel with her and Daniel's drinks (she stole it while he wasn't looking).
"Where's Janet?"
She looked around so did Daniel.
"Dunno."
Just then Janet came slandering over, taking Sam's (stolen) drink from her.
"We have 1000 and 3 tiles on this ceiling."
Daniel and Sam looked up.
"Wow."
"Fascinating."
General Hammond rang the bell that hung above the bar, getting everyone's attention.
"Hey everyone look at me."
He stated. Most people turned around. Jack downed his first 4 drinks with little trouble other than his throat burning. Sam came to his side.
"Go on Sir ... do it for my fishes."
Sam said a big dopey grin spreading over her face as she kissed the Colonel on the cheek, allowing him to shallow his 7th shot with a big gulp, colour filling his face. Sam put her arm around his back and began rubbing his shoulders encouraging him. And so Jack downed in total 10 and vodka shots ... before falling face down into Sam's lap.
"Ok Teal'c you turn."
Janet ever the doctor ran to Jack's side and sat with him along with Sam. Hammond sat Teal'c up as Lucy put the symbiote in the equivalent of 10 and vodka shots.
"You ok Big Guy?"
She asked Teal'c, who nodded in response.
30 Mins Later*
The symbiote having drank most of the contains of the tank was placed back in Teal'c. Teal'c was enjoying this new found feeling know as `Incapacitated' and was wandering around the bar chatting random woman up, Janet always up for a laugh had betted Teal'c that before the evening was out she will have gotten a woman's phone number, it was up to Teal'c to get a man or woman's number... Janet decided he had more changes that way.
"Jack.... Sir... wake up sleepy head."
Sam patted the side of his face. He began to stir.
"Come on Sir, rise and shine."
"I will rise but I refuse to shine."
He slurred.
"Jack... G'evening."
Daniel poked him in the temple, avoiding Jack swatting his hand away.
"You won."
Sam said, fanning his face with a beer mat.
"Again."
FIN. What did u think?
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