Lover, desire and the dark
Lover, desire and the dark
by Claire o'mack
TITLE: Lover, desire and the dark
AUTHOR: Claire o'mack
EMAIL: Claire_sparkey@yahoo.co.uk
CATEGORY: Thoughts, POV
PAIRING: Sam/Jack
SPOILERS: the devil you know
SEASON / SEQUEL: 3
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: none
SUMMARY: sam write in her diary and comes to some conclusions
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate sg1 are not mine yadda yadda yadda they belong to showtime MGM and whoever wants a pice of them. no money has exchanged hands wish it had. just borowing them to do awfull things to them.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I have never written a sg1 fanfic before i needed to watch more episodes to understand the characters better, well thats what i told myself. I hope it is ok. feed back is welcome but be gentle as it was my firt one.
Dear Diary, God that phrase sounds silly even after writing it over a thousand times. I think this will be my last entry; I don't seem to have much to say anymore, not after what happened. Thoughts and feelings seemed to converge into one big tidal wave that came out tonight.
I'm not saying that it didn't need to happen it did, but it is so much easier to write down.
Along time ago I started writing this diary, having no intention of showing it to others it still is that way, but now my own personal use seems to have died as well. It all stated 4 years ago when I got recruited to join the stargate program and when I met Cornel Jack O'Neill.
The project brought something out in me that made me feel alive, wanted or even needed about it. We were always getting new missions putting ourselves in danger for the greater good of earth. It made me feel strong independent to know I could save the team and even earth time and time again. He was always by my side though helping right along with me.
Very slowly he worked at my barriers, slowly creeping in the back door, till one day I woke up and found him in my heart. Could you blame me though, it wasn't just his looks, although I wouldn't complain, it was never about that. His mind and courage, and his insistence never to give up. That captured my attention I could go on about him many qualities, but it was the whole package that finally one my sole. If any one was to ever read this they would assume that we had been lovers for years, but no we have never even really kissed.
Trust, it was always about trust and loyalty with us. We would go out putting each other before ourselves, or team was the important thing. Our quest and winning the war more important than our feelings.
Oh he never told me but I could see it in his eyes, everyday there would be a look of love followed by that boyish smile and a drop of the eyes. I knew that he was attracted to me, he thinks I don't notice but if Cornel Jack O'Neill was a book I would be able to read it backwards. Yet he still remains a mystery sometimes. I could blame myself really. I would always call him sir never let him get close to me, although he did the same. I tell myself it was the regulations stopping me, but it's not I was just scared. Now I think that I have gone and lost him forever.
I suppose I can't leave it like that I will have to get it all down before I do what I have to do. It never started I mean really started, and it will never really ends, depending on whatever god you believe in love is eternal. But I was getting bored of the middle ground. We would flirt and we would have intimate moments where the promise of something more was just on the surface, then it would fade away again leaving us with the middle ground. I can still remember him coming to my door. He looked younger like a child nervous about missing out on something if he didn't ask but was afraid to. So I let him in, mistake one. Mistake two came quickly afterwards I hugged him. We had just been on a mission where Apohis had put those memory devises on us and he had had visions of Charlie. He hadn't said much after the mission; he said he would tell me later I guessed this was later. The next thing I did was a mistake before the thought had even had chance to develop in my mind. I kissed him on the cheek, which he turned into a kiss on the lips, just soft lingering for a fraction longer than friends would allow. I remember the way it felt, like coming home from a holiday, like finding the last piece of a jigsaw puzzle. Then was my final mistake. I got sacred and told him to leave. I felt out of control with him, and I didn't like that feeling so he left, and I started writing this instead of going after him. I suppose you could call that mistake four but we will have to wait and see, perhaps I did the right thing. For earth the team if not for me.
This is not a new entry just a continuation of the last one, although it is two days later. The last thing I wrote moved me. I had had enough of writing so I got up and did something about it. I went to him, he welcomed me in, there was no words, there doesn't need to be between us, not only are we trained to read each others finical expressions, but with him and me when we wanted to say something it was clearer than crystal. He could do things to me with a single look that I had never felt before. It was like I had been on a Rolla coaster ride for a long time and when it finally stopped Jack was the one waiting when I got off.
I know that if we had done anything but sit and talked that night it would have changed the whole dynamic of our relationship, and I am not ready for that yet, but that's not the way it is supposed to end. One day we will have a normal happy ending, just so I can keep my sanity for another day.
Saving the world comes with a high price for those that do it, but for sg1 it is what we live for, to have our freedom. It's all about love desire and the dark, because if you don't have the fist or the second, then you will surely be left with the third.
FINS
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