Joe strikes back
Joe strikes back
by Christian
TITLE: Joe strikes back
AUTHOR: Christian
EMAIL: lonz@d.n-r-w.de
CATEGORY: Humor, Sam&Jack, Weird-AU
SPOILERS: 2010
SEASON / SEQUEL: Season 4
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS:
SUMMARY: Jack must rescue the love of his live from a raving mad man called Joe ...
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Yes, please!
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the author.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I dedicate this story to all members of the sam&jack-mailinglist. I love you all! Thanks to Angel for beta-reading!
Joe strikes back
Background
The Cult of Samantha
A secret order that has spread over planet Earth, the whole galaxy and a lot of closely related AUs (alternate universes). The Cult gave up its original plan to take over the world and now concentrates fully on its new aim to get Sam and Jack together, spending all its resources to achieve it. It worships the Goddess of the Sunshine-Smiles - Samantha Carter.
The Tok'tok'ra
Another secret order who plans to destroy the Tok'ra or at least their reputation and as a secondary objective - get Sam and Jack together. To achieve these two objectives, the Tok'tok'ra often teams up with the Cult of Samantha and also draws from the inventions of an excellent staff of technicians. The following are only the most famous inventions: The second Stargate, the Quantum-mirror and the Za'tarc-programming. The Tok'tok'ra prefer to worship Jack O'Neill.
The NoRomos
The NoRomos are the unchallenged rulers of the NG (netgroups) and sometimes are called NGs because of it, even though this is too big a generalisation. This powerful organisation consists wholly of heartless, battle hardened soldiers who know nothing else in their lives other than fighting and team spirit. Some say that the NoRomos are backed up by the Slashers, but both of them put that off as pure rumour.
The Slashers
The Slashers are a secret order who wants to completely exchange heterosexual relationships with homosexual ones. For reasons unknown they decided SG-1 to become one of their primary targets. In some AUs their method of bending the truth until it breaks apart has already shown some frightening success.
TPTB
This is an abbreviation for "The powers that be" and means a very powerful band of wise old men who are in possession of the power to alter reality at will. With this great power also comes great responsibility and TPTB always walk a thin line between triumph and damnation. What goals TPTB are really following remains a well hidden secret, but it is widely believed that they try to keep all the other powerful groups in the universe at bay to ensure a tentative balance of power.
When Jack entered Samantha Carter's laboratory, he found her working. No surprise there!He thought, smiling. She was half buried in a gigantic apparatus showing him her tasty backside. Jack hesitated. What if she said no once again? How often did he have to go through this? Somehow, she sensed his presence and crawled out of the machine, turning to face him. "How long have you been standing there, Sir?" she asked with a coy smile.
"Uh, I didn't want to interrupt you..."
"What's up?" She looked at him almost as if she wasn't aware of what he was about to say to her.
"Whatcha think? The whole team on leave, Daniel and Janet off to God knows where, Teal'c visiting his family and me doing what I like best."
"Going fishing?"
"No. Asking *you* to go fishing with me."
Her smile grew sad. "I'd really like to, but I've got work here that can't wait."
"Nonsense!" Jack replied. "Holiday. Do you even know what that *is*? You go out and do stuff that hasn't anything to do with work! To get some *rest*!"
"Sir, this doesn't feel like work to me..."
"I know." Jack shrugged with a resigned sigh and turned to leave. "I leave tomorrow morning, just in case you change your mind." Then he left the laboratory. It almost looked like a hasty retreat.
Sam felt a cold, empty hollow in her gut. "Jack..." she whispered. Suddenly, plucking up any courage she had left, she put aside her tools and run after her CO.
She caught up with him in the corridor: "Colonel!"
Jack stopped dead in his tracks and turned around with a sly grin. "Deja Vu?"
"Deja Vu."
"Deja Vu!"
"Sir, I ..."
"Ah! Don't say anything. You're sorry, but your work is more important to you than this nice little lake in western Minnesota..."
"Uh, no..."
"What?"
"I mean... yes. I'd like to accept your offer, Sir..."
"Really?" Jack had a hard time trying to cover up his soaring feelings. Within he was rejoicing, but on the outside he tried to stay as calm as possible. "Great. We leave tomorrow morning at..."
But suddenly, Sam was beamed up by an Asguard transport ray.
"I'm gonna punch the living daylights out of that tiny grey alien..."
"Colonel!" General Hammond interrupted with playful seriousness. "I understand that you don't like being denied of your holidays, but I'm sure that Thor would not have taken her away without some good reason."
"You're right, Sir." Jack grumbled. "But do we know for sure that it was Thor? Did he send a message?"
"Not yet. I just hope it doesn't have to do with some more unexpected problems on board his ship. Sometimes I get the feeling the Asguard need our help more than we need theirs."
"We have to call back Daniel and Teal'c."
"I did not leave yet, Colonel O'Neill." Teal'c replied as he entered the Generals office. After a sign from Hammond, he took a seat.
"That's strange... It looked to me as if you couldn't wait to be with your family again."
"That is correct, O'Neill. But in the past I often discovered that shortly after I left something happened that required my immediate return. So this time I decided to wait here for a few hours."
"Wow, Teal'c, I can't believe it. You became one hell of a cynic."
The Jaffa just raised an eyebrow and turned to General Hammond. "Do we have news from the Asguard regarding the disappearance of Major Carter?"
"Unfortunately no, Teal'c. All we can do is..."
A loud alarm interrupted the General. "Unauthorised offworld activation." the loudspeaker barked as the three men headed for the control room.
"This also does not come unexpected." Teal'c stated.
"GDO code received... It's Bra'tac, Sir!"
"Open the iris. Full alert!"
"General Hammond!" Teal'c objected, "With regard to our latest discovery, Master Bra'tac is dead."
"I know, Teal'c. But as long as we don't know for sure, I'm willing to take the risk."
In the meantime the iris had opened up and the blue glow of the event horizon became visible. The waves parted and two figures in long blue robes stepped out. Behind them the Gate closed. Everyone stared at the smaller person, who opened the hood of its robe letting the face of a human being with metallic blue skin become visible. On his forehead he bore a symbol similar to that of Teal'c. Jack expected to see the glowing eyes and the deep voice of a Goa'uld, but when he opened his mouth, they heard a normal human voice, although he spoke with a strange accent. "Praise the Goddess of the Sunshine Smiles! We are here with the permission of Master Bra'tac. I have to speak with Jack O'Neill regarding the kidnapping of Samantha Carter immediately."
The strangers had been checked thoroughly and confirmed as not dangerous. Now they sat with General Hammond, Jack and Teal'c in the briefing room. With them were four armed soldiers who never took an eye off them. The smaller one of the two men, who had introduced himself as the High Priest of the Cult of Samantha, had arrived unarmed, whilst the other - a giant of a man - had handed over his two Zat'nik'tel's which he wore in his belt.
The giant, who seemed to be some kind of bodyguard, radiated an utter calmness and hadn't said a word yet. The other visitor was pacing the room, speaking like a waterfall.
"We don't know yet how the enemy managed to take over Thor's new ship, but we suspect that it has to do with the Asguard's reliance on their own technology. Thor and his crew probably ran into a trap set up by TS and one of her evil inventions."
"Who's TS?" Jack wanted to know.
"TS means Tok'ra Spice, the code name of the very dangerous Tok'ra, Anise."
General Hammond was astonished: "So far we thought Anise to be a reliable ally. No wait ... let me correct myself. So far we thought Anise to be an *ally*. She's a member of the Tok'ra, isn't she?"
"Yes and no. She's a member of the Tok'ra, that's right. But she also follows her own goals, especially after Jack dumped her."
"Excuse me?" General Hammond was getting even more astonished by the minute.
"Uh, well... I wouldn't call it *dumping*..." Jack tried to explain. "Let me put it this way. She made a pass at me while I was held in custody as a supposed Sanex. You can imagine that I wasn't in the right mood to ... not that I would be now. You know what I think about the Tok'ra."
"Well," the High Priest continued, "TS feels a little differently about this matter and teamed up with Joe to sabotage the Sam-and-Jack-relationship."
"The Sam-and-Jack..." General Hammond began, but Jack interrupted him.
"Who's Joe?"
"That's a long story. Let me put it this way." He paused for a breath. "Joe was Sams husband and she betrayed him with you. And now he wants to pay you back for that."
"You mean Carter was married with this guy? Here on Earth?" Jacks voice was much higher than usual.
"Yes and no. He's from an alternative Earth. From an alternative future of Earth. From an alternate universe that should have been but never happened. He feels - betrayed. The anger of a whole life lives on him. He literally made a pact with the devil to get his revenge."
General Hammond was frowning: "So let me summarise the facts. This *Joe* had a relationship with Major Carter in an alternate universe, which fell apart because of Jack O'Neill. And now he tries to take revenge in this universe?"
"Right."
"Why? I mean, why didn't he take revenge in his own universe? In this universe his revenge is without meaning, because our Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill don't have a relationship..."
"In his own universe Sam and Jack are dead. So he can't take revenge there."
"And why in the name of god did he choose our universe?"
"Our universe replaced his own, in which he married Sam, which is not going to happen now."
"The note." Teal'c interjected. "The piece of paper with Colonel O'Neill's blood on it."
"Exactly. The note is from the future. By not going to that planet you changed the future so this marriage is never going to happen."
"I can't believe that Carter would marry such an asshole." Jack muttered angrily. "And what does he want to do with her now?"
"He's on his way to the Planet of Happiness to marry her there."
"The Planet of Happiness?" Repeated Jack sceptically.
"Yes. The people there have some very... uncommon marriage laws. An official marriage only needs the consent of one spouse."
"So what? According to our own law the marriage would be void, and that's all that matters, right?"
"Well, not exactly. The ceremony includes the merging of the married people to guarantee a happy marriage."
"What kind of merging?"
"The hearts of the two spouses are connected to a symbiotic organism. When the heart of one partner stops beating, the other one will no longer beat."
"Insane."
"After that the couple have to use sex to ensure the quick arrival of descendants."
"Okay, that's enough!" Jack yelled, jumping out of his seat. "We *have* to go to this Planet of Happiness ASAP and get Carter out of the hands of this crazy man!!!!!! Right, Sir?"
"I understand your eagerness, Colonel. But we have no idea what's ahead of us! We don't even know what defence systems this Joe has put up, not to mention the fact that he's hiding on board an Asguard ship."
The High Priest cleared his throat. "General, I'm in possession of a device that will help us to get over these difficulties." He took a black writing case out of his robe. "Joe Strikes Back" was labelled on the front in big white letters.
"What's that?"
"This is The Script, a mighty artifact which can alter the course of events. That's pretty easy." He opened the case and made some modifications with a red pen. Then he smiled and spoke to the General again: "Now it says that you will approve a mission to that planet."
"I will approve a mission to that planet." General Hammond said. "The rest of SG-1 will go there with the... High Priest and free Major Carter by any means necessary. Do we know the co-ordinates of the planet?"
"Unfortunately there is no Stargate there." the High Priest answered. "So we have to use a space ship. Such a ship stands ready on the planet of our patroness."
"Your patroness?"
"Queen AQ."
"And what does AQ mean?"
"You *don't* wanna know."
Daniel couldn't be found anywhere so the decision was made to make the mission without him. The High Priest had entered the secret co-ordinates of P6X6969 and they had journeyed to Achafalaya, where Queen AQ had her palace.
The Queen was a very friendly hostess, and Jack was the main target of her hospitality. Whether the closing ceremony (in which the men were coated with chocolate sauce and licked clean by her majesty) was really based on an ancient tradition of her planet though, *can* be doubted. She entrusted them with her space ship without hesitation, but insisted on reading The Script and making some adjustments.
When Jack saw the ship that *would* bring them to the Planet of Happiness, he was pleasantly surprised. It was about a hundred feet long, streamlined shape with two bird-like wings and a powerful drive. It looked edged and elegant at the same time, which gave it quite a brutal appearance.
At the ship three women in pilots uniforms waited for them. The youngest stepped forward and made the sign of the Cult of Samantha, the Rays of the Sun.
"Praise! I'm Angel Star, pilot of the Sunray. This is Neth, my scientific officer and Lyn, our communications expert."
Proudly she pointed at the ship behind her. "Nice, isn't it? This will be our home for the next two days."
Teal'c was impressed: "I have not seen this design before."
"Doesn't look like your usual Goa'uld flying box." O'Neill agreed. "Looks a little klingon-like."
"So it does, doesn't it?" She replied, smiling. "It's also heavily armoured, equipped with a cloaking device and armed with all types of artillery. Everything we need to blow the life out of this bastard and his grunts."
"Well then, what are we waiting for?!"
The control displays covered the bridge of the Sunray'screw and passengers in a green glow. To call it a "bridge" was a bit of an overstatement - it was more like a big cockpit that held enough space for all seven members of the rescue team.
Jack (to the High Priest): "You're not really human, are you?"
High Priest: "What makes you think that?"
Jack: "Well, the blue skin and stuff..."
High Priest: "Oh, that! Well, we made some gene-physiological adjustments that allow us to exist in many different alternate realities."
Jack (surprised): "You're not from this universe?
Stalker: "No, but from a very similar one."
Teal'c: "Are we still in our own universe?"
High Priest: "That's not that easy to say. You know, every second sees the birth of a thousand new universes. And every time you make a decision, you decide for one of these. If you look at it this way you're always in your own universe, where-ever it might be."
Teal'c: "I see."
Jack: "Really?"
Teal'c: "Is Master Bra'tac still alive in your universe?"
High Priest: "Yes, he is. And not *only* in our own. He told me to greet you. He hopes to see you again soon."
Neth: "We're almost there. Prepare for re-entry."
*Silence*
Jack: "What is the Cult of Samantha?"
High Priest: "A secret organization."
Jack: "And what do you do all day long?"
High Priest: "That's a secret."
Jack: "Can I become a member?"
*High Priest and Stalker exchange meaningful looks*
High Priest: "He wants to become a member!"
Stalker: "Yeah. Seems so."
High Priest: "All right then. The first rule of the Cult of Samantha is: Nobody talks about the Cult of Samantha..."
The space ship re-entered into normal space-time. A big blue planet filled the centre view. In front of it a huge Asguard-mothership could be seen... The Samantha.
High Priest: "Wow! It's ... big."
Lyn (reading sensory data): "Length 33,090 feet. Diameter 4,530 feet. A giant."
Jack (dreamily): "It's beautiful."
High Priest (smiling): "Of course it is. Angel, get us to the main hangar."
Angel: "And how do you propose we get the hangar doors open?"
High Priest (waving The Script in his hands): "The code is written in here!"
Teal'c: "It seems to me this crafty artifact serves no other purpose than to fill the enormous plot holes."
They had successfully landed in the main hangar. While the crew of the Sunraystayed on board to hold the Asguard sentinel drones at bay, the four men made their way into to Asguard mothership. They were now standing in front of a big control panel which the High Priest was working on. Suddenly the panel came to life and the High Priest grunted with triumph.
"The wedding takes place in the great meeting room. But to get there we have to pass through a sector that is partly flooded with cooling water. It's going to be wet."
"Hey, wait a minute," Jack told the High Priest. "This is highly advanced Asguard-technology, isn't it? How come you know how to manipulate that technology?"
"Hmm. Maybe it's the Mary Sue effect..."
"Are you able to order the ship to suck up the cooling water then?" Teal'c asked.
"Good idea!" The High Priest started to work on the controls once more, but after a few minutes he gave up. "No way. I'm afraid the Mary Sue effect doesn't seem to be that strong..."
"Well then, looks like we have to take a swim", said Jack and slowly began to take off his uniform shirt...
The High Priest broke through the surface of the water and struggled for air. He had not expected this voyage to be that exerting, by the Natu! He swam to the edge of the flooded room where Teal'c fished him out of the water in one fluent move.
"It seems to me that you are not wholly prepared for this kind of physical action."
"Thanks, Teal'c, that's exactly what I needed."
"You are welcome."
They were now standing in the only corner of the room that wasn't completely flooded by water. They were wearing only their trousers and carrying their weapons, having left all the other equipment behind. The only way further into the ship consisted of one narrow corridor.
"This way..."
A shot sounded through the corridor and the four men instinctively took a dive.
"That sounded like an MP5." said Jack. "Could this be our own guys?"
"Unfortunately no." the High Priest answered "These are NoRomos."
"NoRomos?"
"A secret enemy organization." Stalker explained.
"And they're using MP5s? Why?"
"Maybe they think it's cool?"
A loud voice came from the other side of the corridor. "You're trapped. Come out with your hands up, or we will pump you full of lead."
"Damn, what do we do now?"
"Turning back won't help us. They probably have us cornered already."
"There's only one chance..."
Another shot was fired and the voice could be heard again. "You have ten seconds to surrender. After that we will shoot to kill."
Jack was getting impatient. "Okay, what chance are you talking about?"
The High Priest explained it to him.
"You must be out of you stupid mind!"
"It's our only chance."
Jack threw Teal'c a questioning look.
"Assuming this is the only possible solution, we should try it."
"Oh for crying out loud!" Jack complained. With an exasperated sigh, he yelled into the corridor. "Okay! We're coming! We surrender!"
He and Teal'c put their weapons down and slowly entered the corridor. No shot sounded. Soon the two warriors from earth stood in front of the NoRomos - ten hardened soldiers, every one of them standing about 7 feet high and armed to the teeth.
The leader of the gang gave them a triumphant look. "Good. Come over here, slowly. Keep your hands raised. No tricks, or we'll blow your lights out!"
Jack and Teal'c kept their hands raised and looked at each other. No tricks?That would be tough.
When they were thirty feet from the NoRomo soldiers, Jack stopped in his tracks. Teal'c did likewise.
"What the hell? Keep moving!"
"I'm gonna kill that puny little preacher for doing this to me." Jack growled. Suddenly, he threw himself into the arms of Teal'c and gave him a passionate kiss. The Jaffa pulled the Colonel close to himself and responded wholeheartedly to O'Neill's caressing. So they stood there for half a minute, their bodies wrapped around each other, until Jack couldn't take it anymore. He pulled back from the embrace and turned around to look at the NoRomos. What he saw astonished him.
The hard soldiers had nothing hard on them any more. Their masks had fallen down and under them lovely women became visible, all drooling with mad grins on their faces. Teal'c's and Jacks performance must have ripped their minds apart.
"Marvelous!" The High Priest came out of his hiding place. "Slashers! They're all Slashers! Give them two exciting men who comfort each other and their cover blows like a balloon!"
Stalker nudged one of the Slashers and she just collapsed to the floor. "They have suffered from some serious kind of shock. They pose no threat anymore."
"Uh, Teal'c..." Jack began.
"We did what was necessary to solve the situation." Teal'c answered.
"Yes ... exactly."
"Apart from that let me assure you that you are a fabulous kisser, O'Neill. Major Carter will be most pleased."
"...?"
Suddenly another person stepped into the room and the four men turned around to face it. It was a ten year old boy in a Galactic Rangers power armour.
"Damn!" the High Priest shouted. "An Anise-Jack-Shipper!"
They all dived for cover when the first laser bolt came in. Aimed far too high it only hit the ceiling tearing a considerable hole in it. More laser bolts came until the air was filled with smoke and metal dust.
"Hey, Stalker, I thought you eliminated all Anise-Jack-Shippers?" the High Priest asked angrily.
"What do you want me to do?" the assassin answered. "Shoot a ten year old boy? You go and do it yourself!"
"Yeah, I see your point." the High Priest agreed. "I'm sorry, Donald. So what do we do now?"
"Let me handle this. I have a card up my sleeve for exactly this situation." Stalker said with a grin. And indeed he did, for he took from his pocket a gaming card that glittered enigmatically.
"What is that?"
"Don't you know anything? This here is an ultra-rare Pokmon card. Now watch and learn!"
Stalker stood up and held the gaming card like a protecting shield in front of him. The boy in the Galactic Rangers power armour ceased his fire immediately.
"You see what I'm holding in my hand here?" Stalker shouted. "This is a Glurak, limited edition. You can have it when you let us pass!"
The boy hesitated for just a few seconds. Then he greedily ripped the card out of Stalkers hands and scuttled into a corner of the room to admire his precious new object.
"That was brilliant!" The High Priest was full of praise, but his master assassin just shrugged: "Believe me, if you had to deal with those kids more often, you'd have known too."
They were just about to continue their journey, when someone else stepped into their way.
"So who's it this time?" Jack asked dryly. And then he was shocked with recognition.
There, just in front of him, stood Martouf. Or more correctly, the *remains* of what was once Martouf. He moved helplessly like Frankenstein's monster, a big part of his head consisting of a metallic box with an antenna.
"It seems his brain is gone." Teal'c observed.
"His strength doesn't seem to have suffered from it." Jack choked out. Martouf had grabbed him and was tightening his grip around the Colonels windpipe. Behind the zombie another person came into view which every one of them recognised in an instant.
"Anise! What the Natu did you do to Martouf?"
The Tok'ra grinned devilish and held up a big remote control: ""
At that moment, a shot echoed through the room and the remote control shattered into a thousand pieces. Martouf let go of Jack and fell straight to the ground. Jack too fell onto his knees and struggled for air. Anise just stood there with an open mouth, not believing her eyes.
The High Priest turned around to the place where the shot has come from but was only able to make out a dark figure, which made for a hasty retreat. "It looks as if our Tok'tok'ra buddies sent out some commandos of their own."
Anise slowly stepped backwards from the angry men, her voice now that of Freya. "I-I'm sorry for Anise's bad behaviour. I hope you will not hold me responsible for it!"
"Enough of this hiding behind your host each time it comes in handy!" Jack shouted. "This time we *will* hold you - both of you - fully responsible!"
He grabbed for the Tok'ra but she activated a device at the back of her hand and vanished from his view.
"Damn! She's gotten away again."
A sizzling made them turn around. It was Martouf, who slowly dissolved into nothing.
"Maybe some kind of self destruction."
"Poor Martouf." Jack shook his head. "That's a fate he did not deserve."
The High Priest said nothing, but by reading his eyes one could tell that he did not agree with Jack on this issue.
"Come on! We already lost a lot of precious time. We have to hurry if we want to rescue Sam!"
Everything was prepared. Sam and Joe were connected to the wedding machine. The witnesses for the marriage, high officials from the Planet of Happiness, had gathered and the priestess started the wedding ceremony.
"Joe... um, just Joe. Do you want to take Samantha Carter as your lawful wife, in this life and the next?"
"Yes, I do."
"Samantha Carter. Do you want to take Joe as your lawful husband, in this life and the next?"
"No! Of course not!"
"So be it. You are now married." The priestess gave a nod to her assistant and he activated the merging mechanism. With a low hum the machine came to life and bright flashes sparked through the married couple.
"No!!!" Jack threw all caution to the wind and stormed right into the room.
Joe whirled around and disconnected himself and the completely surprised Sam from the wedding machine. An evil grin crossed his disfigured features - it looked as if he was prepared for an interruption like this. He drew a pistol and held Sam in front of him as a living shield.
Jack stopped dead in his tracks. "Man, your one ugly..."
"Har Har Har! Nobody can stop me now! She's mine! Mine alone!!!"
In his cover the High Priest cursed himself for being too late: "Damn! Damn! Damn! This makes us look really bad. What do we do now?"
"How about splitting up?" Stalker asked.
"Yes, that's it! We're gonna split up!"
Joe slowly came back to his senses. Where was he? What had happened? He had seen two shadows closing in on him from both sides and fired his gun. Sam had been dead at once, after that he was knocked down himself. Now two blue skinned men were carrying him through a corridor of the Asguard ship. In the distance he could hear a low humming.
"Who the hell are you?"
"Your worst nightmare." one of them answered.
"Sam is dead. You buggers! Wait..." Joe was hesitating. "I was merged with her. Why am I still alive?"
"You forgot about the 30 minutes until the device in your heart is activated and makes it stop beating. I've heard it's a pretty painful death."
"And where are you bringing me?"
"We came to the conclusion that there is an even more painful way to die. And we don't want to miss out!" one of them answered, sniggering.
"So we are going to throw you into the reactor." the other added.
Sam slowly came back to her senses. Where was she? What had happend? She had seen two shadows closing in on her from both sides and had thrown herself to the ground. Joe had fired his gun and missed her by a few centimetres. After that he was hit by a couple of Zat-gun shots. One of these shots had knocked her unconscious. Now she lay in Jacks arms. "Sir! What happened? How did you get here?"
"That's a long story", Jack answered softly. Angrily he looked up to the High Priest and his master assassin: "You almost got her killed, you maniacs!"
The High Priest answered with smile: "It must look like it from your Point of View. But from our perspective..." he pointed to himself and Stalker - who was busy checking the remains of Joe - " ... it looked a whole lot less of a problem."
"Hey, Boss!" Stalker called, "He's still alive!"
"Oh, really?" The High Priest leaned down to Joe: "You want to say something before we put your miserable life to an end?"
Joe laughted with pure evilness. "Yes! I die, but by killing me you also sealed the fate of Samantha. You, Jack, will have to live forever with the fact that you delivered your beloved to certain death. Now my revenge is complete!"
With that Joe drew the last breath of his life and lay dead.
"He's right! We have only 30 minutes left! What do we do now?"
"Um... The wedding machine! We merge Sam with someone else!"
They lifted Sam up and hurried to the machine. The witnessess of marriage had made a hasty retreat in the meantime. Only the priestess from the Planet of Happiness still stood there considering what to do next. Stalker made the decision for her.
"You do the same ceremony one more time and I let you live. Okay?"
"Okay! Okay! But this can be dangerous. Whoever chooses to be merged with her has to do this wholeheartedly. Otherwise the procedure will end with the death of both partners..."
The High Priest stepped forward. "I volunteer!"
At that same moment something big hit him on the back of his head and he slumped to the ground unconcious.
"I'll do it." Jack said.
"Then let's go!"
Epilogue
Angel was smiling all over her face. "Colonel O'Neill, Major O'Neill! It's great to see you both alive and well! Oh, and congratulations on your marriage." She smiled smugly. "The ship that'll fly you on your honeymoon around Achafalaya is ready to go!"
Happily Jack pulled the woman of his dreams close to him. "I love you, Sam!"
"Make love to me, Jack!"
"Excuse me?"
Sam had a shocked expression on her face. "Did I just say that?"
Jack was smiling. This was one alternate universe of his liking ...
Epilogue II
Two men are on their way to the bridge of the Samantha. The bigger one is supporting the smaller one, who is holding a big lump on the back of his head.
High Priest: "He knocked me down!"
Stalker: "It's alright, Boss ..."
High Priest: "But hey! He just hit me from behind onto my ..."
Stalker: "Yeah, yeah! I saw it! I was there, remember?"
High Priest (sulking): "And you didn't felt obliged to help me?"
Stalker (meaningfull look): "You're not serious about that?"
High Priest (thinks about it): "Hm ... no. Not really."
Epilogue III
The priestess of the Planet of Happiness looked around. When she was sure that no-one was watching, she began to take off her priest robes. Under it, some skin tight assassin clothes became visible. Kris, First Assassin of the Tok'tok'ra, looked down at the robes with a smile. The wedding machine the Tok'tok'ra had developed had done an even better job at getting Sam and Jack together than the Za'tarc programming ...
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