Moses on the Mountain
Moses on the Mountain
by cgb
Title: Moses on the Mountain
Author: cgb
Email: luberluber@yahoo.com.au
Category: AlternateUniverse, Angst, Drama
Season: Season 5
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Rating: PG
Warnings: none
Summary: "It was real. All of it." This is an AU where the System Lords take over Earth while SG1 are off world and the Tok'Ra offer them somewhere to stay while they figure out what to do with themselves.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Title: Moses on the Mountain
Author: CGB (luberluber@yahoo.com.au)
Web: http://appelsini.tripod.com/Christine Spoilers: Hmm...consider everything to do with the Tok'Ra up until the end of Season 5 to be fair game. Category: AU, Sam/Jack
Rating: PG
Archive: Sure
Summary: "It was real. All of it."
Author's Notes: This is an AU where the System Lords take over Earth while SG1 are off world. The Tok'Ra offer the team refuge while they figure out what to do with themselves. In Australia we're still in Season 5 so anything that happens in Season 6 is irrelevant here.
Thanks to Suz who is a fount of SG information and kept feeding me "Lifelines" while I was writing this. And much appreciation to Arduinna's Stargate Handbook http://trickster.org/arduinna/stargate/main.html which was an essential resource. Can I just say how great it is that people put these resources together? I'd be lost without them.
*
"And if the mountain should crumble, or disappear into the sea Not a tear, no not I" - U2, "The Unforgettable Fire"
*
The First Day
*
Selmak had to stand in front of the DHD to stop them from dialling. "I can't allow you to return," he said.
Jack's eyes were on Carter. She was clutching her gun. He could see her knuckles going white around the grip. "Let me speak to my father!"
Selmak didn't move. "Jacob is very distressed. I can't allow you to..."
Jack stepped forward. "Jacob! Now, goddammit!"
Selmak nodded his head. When he looked up his expression was changed. "Selmak's right. You can't go back." His voice carried a pain Selmak's didn't.
"We have to," Daniel said. "There must be something we can do..."
"There is nothing you can do," Jacob said. "The System Lords have taken over Earth. The SGC and the Russian gate are in their control. You would be executed on sight."
They all looked at each other, and then they looked at him. He looked at the sky, the ground, the gate, and then he looked at Carter.
Her eyes were huge - round and saucer-like. She looked lost.
He turned to Jacob/ Selmak. "So what do we do?"
Six Weeks Later
*
They sky was turning a dark purple - he would have to ask Carter about that - and Nimma was becoming increasingly frustrated with him.
"Colonel O'Neill," she was saying. " As I have told you, and told you again, the Tok'Ra will help you when you devise a plan that does not result in our destruction - and believe me, Colonel O'Neill, your plan will result in our destruction."
They were walking by a lake - terraformed, apparently.
"The indigenous life has all but vanished," Nimma told him earlier. "It's a shame - but I'm told such an environment can be soothing to humans?"
In ordinary circumstances Jack would have agreed. But life had been far from ordinary in the last six weeks.
"Well I don't see you and your superior intellect coming up with bright ideas."
Nimma turned to look at him directly. "We're trying Colonel O'Neill."
Jack sighed He turned his eyes to the sky and squinted at the setting sun. The Tok'Ra were trying. They had spy networks on Earth, they had records of incoming and outgoing transport ships in the vicinity and they had tapped into communications between gates.
They never stopped trying. It just wasn't enough.
Nimma tugged a wrap around her shoulders. The temperature was beginning to drop. He felt it long before she did but he hated being reminded of his human physical inferiority so he practiced telling himself it was ninety-eight in the shade and hoped his body would fall for it.
"We will speak of this later," Nimma said. "Selmak will not be happy if I keep you in the cold any longer."
And as a shiver ran up his sides, he realised he was fooling no one.
They made their way back underground. On this planet the Tok'Ra caves had a natural entrance. Useful to begin with but undesirable in the long term. It was destined to be sealed.
Jack took one last look at the sun setting over the lake. It was quite beautiful. He wished Carter could have seen it, and he thought about inviting her the next time he went out.
She wouldn't come, of course. But the thought was nice.
*
His private quarters were bare save for the bed, his backpack and a chair acting as a hanger for his BDUs. He owned nothing more than that which had been on his person when the Tok'Ra found them on PXQ-465.
Daniel had been carrying a statue with glyphs at the time so he at least had some ornamentation. Teal'C and Carter weren't the knick-knack types so he suspected their rooms were as bare as his.
But they had doors, and for some reason it was an achievement that he couldn't make light of.
The buzzer on his door sounded. He hit the opening panel and it slid open to reveal Daniel Jackson. "Yeah?" Jack said.
Daniel stepped inside. "Hey Jack."
"I hope your day was as eventful as mine." Jack let himself fall into a seated position on the bed. Daniel sat opposite him on the chair.
"I take it Nimma didn't endorse your plan?"
"They had a few problems with it."
"Being...?"
"I thought of it and they didn't."
Daniel clasped his hands in front of him and rested his elbows on his knees. "Jack, I don't think the Tok'Ra are quite that petty and neither do you."
"You'd be surprised what I think, Daniel."
"No, I don't think I would, Jack."
There was a silence for a moment and then Jack shook his head. "So - what did you do today?"
"I went with Heddah and Osha to Grandalar."
Jack creased his brow. "Grandalar?"
"Through the Stargate. The Grandalar are interested in becoming hosts for the Tok'Ra. Their culture is pretty convoluted - a bit of a cocktail mix of post Greco- Roman, Mongolian and even Polynesian. Osha asked if I'd join them in order to make sense of some of their habits."
"They asked for your help?"
"It surprised me too."
Jack rubbed his chin thoughtfully. It wasn't entirely outrageous. The Tok'Ra had vastly depleted numbers and were probably in need of help wherever they could find it. "So what was the verdict?"
"On what?"
"On the Grandalarians or whatever you call them - are they suitable hosts?"
"That's up to the Tok'Ra. I can tell you, however, they have artefacts which lead me to believe they were taken from Earth over a period of time that covered hundreds of years."
Jack nodded. "Interesting."
"It could mean that the Goa'uld took slaves from Earth as late as the thirteenth century."
"You don't say - Daniel, I don't want to rain on your little anthropological parade here, but whatever year they left, they're back now and I think it's a little more important than this fascinating reconstruction of history you've got going."
"Sorry, Jack, it's just I - ah - like to think that all this information is potentially useful."
"Yeah. Don't get your hopes up."
Daniel looked down at his hands. Jack was instantly sorry - Daniel's knowledge had proved valuable countless time, it was ridiculous, not to mention insulting, to treat him like this.
He'd always been a stick in the mud - but since when was he mean? Maybe it was just that Daniel seemed to be fitting in.
Jack curled his hand into a fist and pressed it into his palm. "I'm sick of this," he said quietly.
Daniel looked up. "Excuse me?"
"I'm sick of sitting around, waiting. Hoping to God there's something left of Earth when we finally get there."
"Jack - the Goa'uld will have destroyed what they wanted to in the first attack and anyone left over..."
"Will be alive, but living in slavery. Yeah, I heard the party line, Daniel. Nimma gave it to me again today." His shoulders slumped. He let himself sit like that for a moment and then he slid his hand under his sleeve and produced his watch, handing it to Daniel. "See that, "he said, indicating the face. "That's the date and time in Colorado Springs right now."
Daniel held it closer to his eyes. "April 23, 2.15pm," he read. He turned to look at Jack.
"Every day that goes by is one more day in hell for those people." Jack said. "I can't forget that."
Daniel handed Jack back the watch. He stood up, smoothing the front of his vest. He was wearing the Tok'ra's standard attire, a beige coloured ensemble, obviously designed for camouflage, that served as a uniform of sorts. It didn't seem to fit him properly but that may have been the design. Jacob said they traded for clothes, which caused Jack to speculate on who they might have traded with. Whoever they were, they had yet to discover synthetic fibres.
"I think I'll turn in," Daniel said. "Early start."
"Sleep tight," Jack said.
Daniel hovered momentarily in the doorway. "Jack?"
"Yeah?"
"Did you speak to Sam today?"
He didn't. And he'd managed to successfully banish that thought from his mind for the last two hours so he resented its resurrection now. "No," he said, simply.
"You should talk to Sam."
"You finished?"
"Yeah." He left.
Jack watched the wall for a while. He could talk to Sam - of course there was no guarantee she would listen.
And he wasn't ready for that.
*
The next day he woke to the sound of someone calling his name.
"O'Neill? Time to get up O'Neill. Time and Tok'Ra wait for no man."
He opened his eyes. Jacob Carter was standing by his bed. "I know you've been off planet a while, General, but on Earth it's still customary to knock before entering a person's private quarters. How the hell did you get in anyway?"
"You weren't answering."
"I wasn't?" He was used to being a light sleeper.
"No. I tried several times."
Jack threw his legs over the side of the bed and gave Jacob a pointed look. Jacob looked confused for a moment and then turned around, facing away. "I'm sorry Colonel, I forget how modest humans can be. The Tok'Ra..."
"'Have no need for modesty.' Yeah, I get that." Jack shuffled through his belongings, pulling the clothes from a small pile. "So what's the occasion?"
"There's been a development. You're needed in the conference room."
There were some things about the Tok'Ra that seemed to reflect Jacob Carter's influence. Things like meeting rooms and a dispensary that resembled a cafeteria. Jack could only presume they ate alone before Jacob's arrival. Not that they ate a lot, and they ate for practicality not pleasure.
Jack followed Jacob to the conference room, ignoring his growling stomach - spurred to life by thoughts of the dispensary.
Daniel, Teal'C and Carter were already seated when they arrived. They were lined up on the opposite side of the table to Nimma, and another Tok'Ra that Jack recognised as Dahian. Jacob sat next to Dahian and Jack tipped the balance by sitting next to Carter.
"Glad you could join us," Carter said. Her voice was even, expressionless. She sounded tired.
"Yes we are indeed glad you could join us," Nimma said, totally missing the sarcasm. Nimma's host was called Sharilin and was equally oblivious to irony. Sharilin took a back seat when it came to attack strategy but surfaced from time to time in regard to matters of human contact.
"Pleasure," he said. "Now what's this all about?"
Nimma looked at Jacob, Jacob looked at Carter and Carter looked at Daniel. Daniel leaned forward so that Jack could see him past Carter's profile. "The Tok'Ra think we can access the Russian Stargate."
"The Russian Stargate? It's still in operation?"
"We tried accessing the Russian gate soon after we learned about the attack on Earth," Jacob said. "We couldn't get anything through so we figured the Goa'uld had sealed it."
"We have since learned that this is not the case," Nimma said. "Our sources tell us that the Russian government buried their gate when they learned of the Goa'uld attack."
"They buried it?" Jack said, incredulous.
"Yes," Jacob said.
"Why?"
"It makes sense," Daniel said. "In the alternative reality I experienced, the Goa'uld were desperate to get the Stargate back in their control. It's like a lifeline for them. If only they only have one, then a resistance effort needs only to centre around one."
"Are you trying to tell me the Russians were thinking ahead?"
Daniel shrugged. "Someone was."
Jack threw up his hands. "Okay - so the Russians got one up on us. Next question: how do we get through a 'buried' gate?"
Carter finally spoke. "The Tok'Ra have access to the technology of the Tollan that allows them to alter the molecular structure of matter."
"Since when?"
"It was smuggled out of their world, before Tolann fell to the Goa'uld."
He processed this information for a moment. "No shit."
"You have to understand, Colonel O'Neill." Nimma said. "We don't know where the Russian gate is. It's only now that our sources have revealed the unlikelihood of the Goa'uld's knowledge of the gate, that we are able to even consider this."
"And there's the matter of the exact coordinates of the third gate," Sam said. "It's not simply a question of dialling home. We have to account for the slight difference in location of each respective gate. The difference needs to be precise - or..."
"Or we end up the wrong end of a staff weapon," Jack said.
"Our operatives are at this moment trying to determine the exact location of the Russian gate but when they do - if Major Carter can assist us - we will be able to allow you to return to Earth," Nimma said. "If that is what you wish..."
He sensed a 'but' coming up. He looked at the three faces on the opposite side of the table and remembered the conversation he had with Nimma yesterday. "I take it we'll be returning on our own?"
Jacob lowered his head and then raised it again, speaking as Selmak. "Jacob and I will be returning with you," he said. "But we can not commit the resources of the Tok'Ra to a mission that has little chance of succeeding."
The trouble with the Tok'Ra, and in his view there was a lot of trouble with the Tok'Ra, was that they weren't gamblers. The idea of pitting impossible odds against a double or nothing situation was alien to them. They liked conservative estimates and risk management. They would have made good accountants.
Accountants. Yeah. He liked that.
He smiled to himself, pleased with his private joke. And then he realised they were all looking at him, waiting for him to say something.
He was momentarily lost. If a question had been asked, he appeared to have missed its phrasing.
And then it dawned on him. He wasn't just being told about the plan, he was being asked if he was prepared to go ahead with it.
It was a fair question. If SG1 were to return through the Russian Stargate, they would be unassisted, unprepared, and unguarded. Their chances of surviving were negligible let alone their chances of liberating Earth. In short, he was being asked to approve a plan to send them all back to die for a futile cause, and it had yet to occur to him that this might not be such a good idea.
If this was just about him, he'd charge in guns blazing and fingers crossed and hoping be dead before the Goa'uld got their hands on him. And maybe there was a time and place for that style of combat - a time when the pay-off was more tangible and absolute and less about diving off a cliff, hoping for a parachute to materialise out of nowhere.
The thing was, he knew they'd all dive with him, if he asked them to. Even Teal'C who had no filial ties to Earth, harboured a loyalty to the world that had offered him asylum. Even Teal'C would stand up to the precipice and make that leap of faith with him.
They'd all do it. In his mind he could see them: Daniel shrugging off his doubts, saying "here goes nothing", Teal'C with an expression of resolve fixed in stone on his face, Carter smiling at him with a look of trust and admiration, making him wonder what the hell he did to deserve her respect.
They'd all do it.
And he couldn't let them.
"No," he said.
Carter's head jerked round to face him, her eyes wide. "What?"
"What, 'Sir'."
Her eyes went even wider. Teal'C raised eyebrows and Daniel looked confused.
Jacob spoke. "Colonel?"
"I'm sorry I can't allow it," Jack said. He stood up and pushed his chair away from the table. "But hey - Good plan. Needs work."
He left the room. And they did nothing more than watch him go.
*
Alone, once more in his room, he put his face in his hands. He ran fingers through his hair, rubbing his temples with the base of his palms.
They had looked at him like he was mad, and he was beginning to feel it. He'd spent the last five years putting the lives of SG1 on the line, why stop now?
Maybe he was getting old. He was getting old, no doubt about that, but maybe he was also becoming conscious in his old age, that one day he would risk their lives and lose.
And maybe it was something Daniel said, something about the Grandalarians. Daniel was useful to the Tok'Ra. He had a purpose. There was a need for him here and there was absolutely no need, no sense in seeing him dead on Earth.
And maybe, if they told him about the Russian Stargate six weeks ago, he would have answered differently.
When the motion detector sounded, he expected it to be Daniel so he was surprised to see Teal'C in his doorway.
"Teal'C?"
"Major Carter has asked me to inform you that the experiments on the Russian Stargate will continue regardless."
"She sent you to tell me that?"
"She did."
"She couldn't tell me herself?"
Teal'C raised an eyebrow and gave him a look that told Jack he thought the question a curious one. Jack had to agree. It was a pretty stupid thing to say.
He dismissed it with a wave of his hand. "Forget it. Thank you for letting me know Teal'C. Anything else?" He was anxious to be alone. Lately, nothing he said sounded like him, and he wanted to think about that. He wanted to think about that for a very long time.
"Yes, there is."
Damn. He expected that. "I thought there might be."
"I am surprised that you would not wish to return to Earth given the chance."
Jack leaned his chin into this hand and rubbed it, frowning. "Yeah, so am I," he said eventually.
"You regret this decision?"
Jack shook his head slowly. "No... it's... complicated Teal'C."
"Indeed."
Teal'C deserved an explanation. "Well - just say you're leading an army and you're about to go into a battle. You know you're probably going to die, but you want to do it anyway - for no real reason other than you think it's the right thing to do. And although it doesn't make sense, you know you're army will follow. Because they're loyal - not just to you, but to each other." He checked Teal'C's face to see if he understood. He appeared to. "If you don't stop them, who will?"
"If it is the right thing to do the cause is not in vein."
Jack looked at the floor. Even the floor of these caves had an odd feel about it. It made him think of Turkish baths. "Yeah, well I'm not sure about that part."
Teal'C changed his stance slightly. "The decision is in your hands. I will not challenge that."
Jack tried not to roll his eyes. If Teal'C challenged him to anything he would not come out looking good. "Thank you Teal'C, I appreciate your approval."
"You are welcome." And there was another culture that missed the finer points of sarcasm. "I must leave you now - Osha has asked for my advice in teaching some of the newer hosts."
"Teaching them what?"
"Combat. They are not familiar with the specifics of facing their opponent."
Jack almost smiled. With all their whiz-bang technology the Tok'Ra lacked skills in hand to hand combat. "Well, best not to keep him waiting."
Teal'C nodded and turned around.
"Teal'C?" Jack stopped him before he was out the door. Teal'C turned back to face him. "Why do you do it?"
Teal'C stood in the door way for a moment, studying Jack, as if committing him to memory, and Jack wondered whether Teal'C was going to miss the point, as he often did through no fault of his own. Their line of reasoning was often more personal than logical.
He straightened himself and almost smiled in that way he had. "Because it is right." And then he left, leaving Jack in a situation not dissimilar to the one he was in before Teal'C's visit.
The more everything changed the more he felt like he was going around in circles.
*
Tok'Ra quarters didn't come with "do not disturb" signs so he scribbled a note on a piece of paper retrieved from his shirt pocket and stuck it to his door with the travel sized toothpaste he found in his bag. It seemed the Tok'Ra had no need for sticky tape either.
He lay back on his bed and dozed.
In the space between sleeping and waking he had strange dreams, most of them involving apocalyptic landscapes, houses burning, scorched fields and steam rising from rivers. There were no people save him and the rest of SG1, standing, gaping at the scene.
There was an incredible sense of loss. He felt himself mourning for everything they had known, everything that had been reduced to smoke above charred land.
It was a feeling of utter hopelessness - a weight in every part of his body that dragged him to the ground.
He woke feeling heavy, feeling his body pressing against the bed. It was like the planet's gravity was pulling him into itself, trying to swallow him whole.
He was surprised to find himself able to rise.
He shook himself, shook the dreams and the weight away.
He hadn't eaten. Probably hadn't eaten for a day. His stomach felt empty, compounding the emptiness experienced in his dreams.
He opened the door and unstuck the note, taking dried toothpaste with it. Amazingly, the instruction seemed to have worked. He remained undisturbed, and uninterrupted. So maybe the Tok'Ra were learning.
He made his way to the dispensary, so-called because it acted as a "dispense everything" point. Clothes, water, weapons, food - all could be obtained from the dispensary.
It had a military aspect and order that was obviously General Carter's influence but was also something that Jack appreciated. It was familiarity amongst the alien.
Food from the dispensary was, however, completely Tok'Ra. It consisted of nutritional supplements and 'bars' of protein and fibre - tasteless but essential. Jacob once mentioned to Jack that he was working on a coffee substitute that he hoped the Tok'Ra would appreciate. Fat chance, Jack thought at the time. The Tok'Ra didn't approve of stimulants.
The dispensary was empty. Jack picked up his usual ration of foodstuffs and sniffed at the brew on offer in the pot next to the protein bars. He screwed up his nose. It was probably good for him.
And what was good for him was a matter of some debate. He decided to ignore the foul smelling brew and proceeded to take his rations back to his quarters.
He was congratulating himself on having achieved his goal of obtaining sustenance whilst avoiding confrontation when he ran into Jacob Carter.
"Colonel O'Neill - just the person I was looking for." It was Jacob Carter rather than Selmak who spoke. He wasn't sure whether he felt relieved or apprehensive about that.
"Well. " Jack forced a smile. "You found me."
"I see you're eating. Selmak thought you looked unwell in the conference this morning. We were wondering whether your diet needed improvement."
"You can thank Selmak for the concern but I'm fine."
Jacob looked down the corridor in the direction Jack was heading. "Were you returning to your quarters?"
For no reason in particular, Jack tried to think up a lie. It didn't work. "Yes - yes I am."
"Then I'll walk with you."
Jack nodded and held out his hand in an "after you" gesture. They walked down the corridor, Jacob with his hands behind his back, while Jack, in need of a focus, broke off bits of his ration bar and began eating it.
"You know, " Jacob said. "Technically I out rank you."
"Technically?"
"Well - the SGC being a covert operation, I would have to defer to you as having the best knowledge of what your mission required. But technically, this is not an SGC mission."
Jack shrugged. "Fine. You make the decisions, General, and I'll just follow orders."
Jacob stopped and looked him in the eye. "I would have refused the Tok'Ra's offer just as you did, only I would have taken less time to offer my rejection. You know that."
Jack held Jacob's eye for a moment longer. "Yes I do. So why did you volunteer to go with us?"
Jacob sighed. "It's complicated...."
"Yeah, there's a lot of that going around. I'm getting vaccinated."
Jacob ignored him. "I have a son, I have grandchildren on that planet. I want to go back and Selmak isn't selfish enough to stop me. But my son is probably..." he swallowed. He looked away at a point on the far wall. When he did speak, his voice seemed to come from far away. "They say most of the cities on the North American continent were destroyed in the first attack... My son is probably dead already. My daughter, however..."
"You wanted me to make your decision for you?"
Jacob smiled apologetically. "I told myself I was leaving it in your hands - but who was I kidding? You couldn't ask her to die no more than I could."
Jack shifted his weight from one foot to the other, trying to make something of Jacob's remarks. He came up empty. "What does Selmak make of all this?"
Jacob nodded his head, allowing Selmak to take control of his voice. "You face a considerable dilemma. I have no advice."
"But you're willing to die with us? For Jacob?"
"We would not be Tok'Ra if we did not acknowledge the host's right to do with his body as he pleases. We hope to come to a compromise in matters of dispute - but this is Jacob's body. And if I understand anything of the familial relationship then I understand how important this is to him."
Jack nodded. "Well - hopefully it won't come to that." He turned in the direction of his quarters. "Tell the General I'll catch him 'round."
*
In the days following, he decided he needed a project. Teal'C and Daniel were keeping busy and Carter just seemed to be keeping out of his way, so it was either find something to do or lay down and die of boredom in his quarters.
So. He put on his boots, put a ration bar and some water in a pack, and informed Osha he was returning to the surface to do a little surveying.
Osha blinked. "Our instruments have already collected all necessary information from the surface, Colonel O'Neill."
"Then this will be for fun, okay?" God, he sure hoped he found something their instruments didn't.
He strapped on his pack and took the rings to the surface. The cave mouth wasn't sealed yet, but the rings were quicker. And he had no desire to delay his escape any longer than he had to.
He walked for a while. There were cliffs on the far side of the lake that would have made for ideal climbing and he told himself he would explore them sometime. Aside from the obvious challenge of the climb there was another benefit to be had in finding the ideal fishing spot.
Except there probably weren't any fish. Not that that would stop him.
He walked along the tip of the bank where the sand gave way to a rusty dirt. He'd seen terraforming in progress and it was a brutal project with results of dubious merit. There were probably environmental lobbyists on Earth that would tell him the drawbacks of insta-climate.
Well - there used to be.
He had barely gone two hundred metres when he was overcome with the urge to sit. It wasn't tiredness, and he'd always been fit, it was just a sudden need, as if someone had flicked a switch.
He planted himself on the ground in the shade. He took the pack off his shoulders and placed it on the ground beside him, pleased to be rid of its weight.
He'd stopped because he lacked the will to go on. He lacked heart and spirit and he plain old lacked motivation.
That one should make the best of a bad situation was good advice, and it was at times necessary for survival, but if there was a best to be had here, he didn't want to find it.
He didn't want to get used to this.
He returned to the base after a halfhearted ramble in the vicinity of the cave.
At a loss for what to do with himself, he went in search of Daniel. He found him in his quarters stacking little wooden cubes into piles.
He stopped when he spotted Jack and waved a hand in the direction of the cubes. "A present from the Grandalarians."
"What do they do?"
Daniel picked up a cube. "Each side tells a portion of the story. You vary the outcome of the story by rearranging the facing sides. I think it's some sort of reflection on the variation of the way events are played out - kind of like those alternative realities we experienced..."
Jack hated those alternative realities. They played with his mind. "Yeah - but they had a habit of all turning out the same, didn't they?"
Daniel stood up and crossed his arms. "Hmm," he said. If he heard Jack's comment at all it was lost in the contemplation of the gift.
"I went for a walk."
Daniel was suddenly reminded of Jack's presence. "Oh - well, it's pretty outside."
"Yeah."
"Jack?"
"Yeah?"
"Have you thought - and let me know if I'm out of line her - have you thought anymore about the possibility of going through the Russian gate?"
Jack paused briefly. "Not really."
"You surprise me, Jack."
He was beginning to think of himself as full of surprises. "Yeah - listen Daniel, I got to ask you something...you know that returning to Earth would be suicide right?"
"Well 'suicide isn't quite the word I'd use..."
"But you know it's not going to go well for us, don't you?"
Daniel looked thoughtful. "Well, it wouldn't be the first time we overcame impossible odds, right?"
No, it wouldn't. "You could return to Abydos."
Daniel shrugged. He gave an impression of nonchalance that Jack knew he didn't feel. "Sha're is dead, Jack. And I don't' honour her memory by pining away for her in Abydos." He paused and Jack noticed they were both staring at the cubes. "She's dead," Daniel repeated quietly.
On the last cube there was the face of a smiling man. The smile seemed desperate - suggesting madness. Daniel leaned forward and picked it up. "You see? The picture has many possibilities. Is he smiling because he is content? Is he smiling because he is smug? Is he smiling because he is crazy?"
Or is he smiling through the pain - presenting a lie to those who care about him, albeit a lie that bears their best interest at heart?
Daniel put the cube down. "You should talk to Sam," he said.
*
There had to be a confrontation with Carter, he knew that. He'd been putting it off, hoping for a break, hoping for an intervening act of god or gods or Tok'Ra, but nothing was forthcoming.
He couldn't postpone it any longer.
Carter was easy to find. She lived in the laboratories. Usually the same one, the smaller one which was - and the difference was slight - cosier.
The Tok'Ra didn't exactly treat Carter as one of their own but they certainly didn't treat her like they treated Jack. They didn't assume she was stupid, for one thing.
They gave her free reign of their laboratories and while she didn't enjoy the privilege of being the most exalted scientist amongst their number, she was listened to when she had something to say.
He peeked inside the lab and saw her - saw her back actually. She was seated and leaning a head into her hand.
The lab was otherwise deserted.
He decided to walk in casually, as if he was just strolling by. It was a lie likely to be unconvincing but he needed the boost to his bravado even if it fooled no one.
And he wondered whether it was all about appearances. Wasn't that what it had all been about all these years?
So maybe that was why it was so easy to break.
The Remainder of the First Day
*
Selmak dialled up the new home for the Tok'Ra and they followed him through the gate, one by one and piece by piece.
They appeared on the other side in silence, none of them able to put their feelings into words.
They found themselves in idyllic surrounds, plush vegetation and a beautiful lake, but it could have been a desert for all the attention they paid it.
One of the Tok'Ra, a female, led them to an unmarked spot, and they huddled together in what was now a familiar practice.
The rings brought them to an underground room, surrounded by a glowing blue crystal that had also become recently familiar. They looked around them, breathing in, breathing out, resigning themselves to the situation.
A Tok'Ra host who called himself Bedek showed them around, a tour that was too comprehensive to be the visitor's guide. They were in for the long stay.
They were shown to quarters. Carter first. She looked at the small round space with its bed and single seat and she turned to Bedek. "There's no door," she said evenly.
Carter, in five years of demanding circumstances had not complained once. Even now he wondered whether it really bothered her or whether she was just indicating the discrepancy for the record.
Bedek looked at her blankly. "There's no door," Sam repeated. "We like to have privacy."
Bedek looked at Selmak who nodded. "I understand," Selmak said. "We will fix this."
Sam was left in her room. Selmak/ Jacob stayed behind while the rest of SG1 was shown similar quarters.
On receiving his, Jack took off his jacket and unloaded his pack. He sat on the bed and stared at his meagre belongings.
That was it. Everything he owned.
He dropped his head to his knees. God, what happened?
They had been gone two days - two days earlier and there was no warning, no sign of an attack. Dr Frasier and Hammond had waved at them from the control room.
It was the last memory he had of Earth.
His breath was choking in his chest. He coughed and it felt like sobbing - something that needed to be torn from his body.
He clenched his fist into a ball, stood up and swung back.
And then he let go.
His fist pummelled into the wall with the kind of ferocity he usually reserved for the Goa'uld. The shock wave travelled up the length of his arm like molten lava running up his veins.
He must have cried out because Carter suddenly appeared in his doorway looking frantic. "What happened?"
He found himself nursing his arm. The knuckles were already swelling and turning purple.
And then he felt the pain. "Jesus Christ!" He looked at Carter who was still standing in his doorway, her expression demanding an explanation. He gritted his teeth. "'I was just... letting off steam."
"I think we'd better get you to the infirmary," she said.
He followed her to the infirmary. The pain in his arm was excruciating but it had accomplished its purpose. His body had a pain his mind could understand, and for that reprieve, he was grateful.
*
Two Days Later
*
It was real. All of it.
He opened his eyes and propped himself up on his elbows. This was the second time in as many days that he had awoken to a reality that refused to sink in. He found himself walking through the events of the last two days: yes, the System Lords had attacked, yes, they were powerless to assist, no, the Tok'Ra wouldn't let them return to Earth and no, he hadn't been able to convince them otherwise.
He had, however, been able to convince them of the necessity of privacy for himself, Daniel and Carter (Teal'C had been ambivalent) and the entrance to his room was now covered by a series of panels that folded inward when he activated a panel on the side.
And they had tended to his hand. He flexed his fingers out and then curled them into a ball. It felt tight, but otherwise fine. The Tok'Ra treatment was exceptional.
He checked his watch. He'd been asleep for almost three hours, an improvement on last 'night's' (there was no real night and day amongst the Tok'Ra) sleep, but still not enough to make him think clearly.
Or maybe thinking clearly was a futile objective? Maybe he was destined to go mad out here? Wherever 'here' was...
He got up and ran his hands through his hair - more for the stimulation of blood cells than for reasons of vanity. He hadn't seen a mirror since he left Earth so he figured he looked bad and he should probably get used to it.
The Tok'Ra were calm and patient and accommodating, but a room and a bed were a far cry from Jack's more individual needs. He was a man of action and he needed to act. Narrowing his options was like cutting off his hands.
It was more than restlessness, he was on the verge of igniting.
He contemplated his options. He could find Jacob/ Selmak and continue to insist to be returned to Earth through the Tok'Ra Stargate. This had been notable in its lack of success so far. In truth he had no reason to do this other than that it gave him a certain sense of gratification.
He could stage a mutiny. True, Carter would probably object to any insurgence against the Tok'Ra and Daniel would probably waste a lot of words trying to talk him out of it rather than offering any practical assistance, but again, the feeling of accomplishment might well be worth it.
He stepped out into the hall and walked towards Carter's room. Carter was usually full of bright ideas - none of which had been forthcoming since they'd been holed up here. She was probably due.
Carter was the next 'door' along. He stood outside her door, waiting for it to open. The doors were equipped with motion detectors so there was really little else to do other than stand around feeling stupid when faced with a close door.
And when no one answered, one felt even stupider.
He stared at her closed door for some time wondering what to do next.
And then it opened.
Carter appeared in the doorway, her hair dishevelled and her eyes barely open.
"Colonel?" Her voice seemed choked, filled with sleep.
"Carter - I gotta talk to someone, I'm..." He took in her appearance. "Were you asleep?"
"Not really..." She said.
"Well - good, because I'm going nuts in that shoebox." He inclined his head towards his room. She nodded and motioned him inside.
Her room was as empty as his. Her pack was on the floor, and her BDU jacket was draped over the chair.
She waved a hand towards the chair and he sat down. She sat in front of him, putting her hands on her knees and leaning forward. She looked uncomfortable. She looked... dazed, like she wasn't really there.
He scratched his nose and shifted slightly in his seat. Where to start?
"So - how are you?"
She blinked. "I'm fine Sir. I'm... " she looked around her room. "... fine."
"Good." He nodded. They sat in silence for a moment. "Carter - where are we?"
"We're in a Tok'Ra base."
"Where?"
"I'm not sure."
He rubbed his chin, thoughtfully. "The General didn't say?"
She shrugged. "I don't think so. To tell you the truth..." She looked away.
He leaned forward. "To tell me the truth...?"
"Well - I don't remember what he said. It's all kind of a blur..." She frowned. Carter hated being out of the loop, so he imagined this knowledge would disturb her considerably.
It disturbed him. It was unlike Carter to be off her game. She seemed - shocked.
And that was not like Carter at all.
"It's all right Carter. This is..." The thought of consoling her was making him feel inadequate. He wasn't good at damage control. "... hard - hard for all of us. Hard to..." He let his words trail off into nothing. This was going nowhere. He switched to something he was good at: "Carter, I need to know, and I figure you know these guys better than any of us do, are they going to help us? I mean, are we going to get back to Earth at all?"
She looked down at her hands and bit her lip. "They think differently of us now, Sir. But the Tok'Ra are hardly an army at the moment. To answer your question - I don't know..." She shook her head. "I just don't know."
The thought of subterfuge crossed his mind - some kind of ruse to distract the Tok'Ra while SG1 made for the gate. It could work. Carter could...
He focused on Carter. Carter looked incapable of walking out the door unsupported, let alone taking on the combined alien intelligence of the Tok'Ra.
There was probably something he was supposed to say. "Carter is there... can I get you...?" He took a breath. "Carter, are you okay?"
"No, Sir," she said simply. She didn't offer an explanation.
So he did something he did very infrequently: he acted on an impulse.
He got out of his seat and sat on the bed next to her, and then, putting his hand on her shoulder and turning her toward him, he held her.
It wasn't like he hadn't thought about it before. In truth he thought about it a lot - on one or two rare occasions had acted on that thought.
It was just that he and Carter were two rivers two streams flowing concurrently, sometimes bending together, almost meeting in places, but never quite forming a river.
Perhaps it was knowing this that caused her to respond so readily. She pulled him into her body with a force that belied her benign exterior. The ferocity of her embrace convinced him it had been the right thing to do - however, discomforting. He relaxed a little, letting himself be there, be what she needed.
He was on the point of congratulating himself for his intuition when he realised she hadn't let go.
And neither had he. He couldn't. Not when she felt so warm, so close so - good. He moved his hand over her back, feeling her spine, her ribs, the top of her neck.
She shifted her face so that it buried in his neck. He could feel her breath just below his ear.
And he thought about how he'd touched her in the past, sometimes casually sometimes out of necessity and one or two times in ways that he'd never forget, but this time, it was real.
He lifted hands to her face, framing her with his fingers, tilting her head slightly so that it met his at a complimentary angle.
He kissed her.
And as incredible as it seemed, she kissed him back.
It was a blind kiss - a kiss that shut its eyes to the inevitable questions it raised, a kiss that challenged everything he thought he knew and held tight too.
But it didn't really matter. Not now.
His hands, well ahead of his thoughts, drifted to her sides, lifting her t-shirt, and trailing fingers against the skin underneath.
Carter was responding, moving her body to meet his. She snaked a hand down his chest toward his stomach.
And then lower...
He snatched her hand by the wrist in a motion that surprised both of them. She pulled back, looking at him with wide-eyed confusion. He held her wrist while neither of them spoke, and he counted their breaths.
One, two, three, four...
"Carter..." he said between breaths. "This is not the time..."
She stared at him and for a moment he thought he saw a flash of anger in her eyes. It was gone quickly. "I'm... sorry, Sir," she said.
Seconds ago they were fumbling under each other's clothes and now they were "Carter" and "Sir"?
No, that wasn't the case. They were never otherwise.
He was right. It wasn't the time.
He let go of her wrist. Immediately she began to re-dress herself, tucking her t-shirt back into her pants.
He jumped up off the bed and stood, hovering in her tiny room, trying to think of something to say.
Something right... "Carter, it's not that..."
"It's okay," she said quickly. Too quickly. "I understand."
"No - no I don't think you do."
"Really, Sir. There's nothing to..."
And then the motion detector sounded.
She went to the door, placing her palm on the side panel. It opened to reveal Daniel, his hand in the air, about to 'knock'.
"I keep forgetting..." Daniel said, indicating the motion detector. He nodded at the Jack and his hand fell to his side. "Jack - I was just looking for you."
"You found me." Her tried to sound nonchalant, but his breathing hadn't slowed and his voice trailed upwards slightly.
If it registered with Daniel at all, he said nothing. "I was trying to get some sleep..." Daniel rubbed his head absent-mindedly. "But I can't, so...well, I wondered if there was a plan?"
Jack looked away, past Daniel, past the door, past the corridor outside and into a distance that only he could see.
And he wished he could shove Daniel outside, close the door, sit down next to Carter and have the last ten minutes of his life back.
Six Weeks Later
*
Knowing that it was now or never, he went in.
"Hey," he said. It came out softer than he imagined it in his head.
She swung around and immediately leapt to her feet. "Oh - Sir, I wasn't expecting..."
"At ease, Major, just... seeing how you're... getting along."
The barriers went up. She put her hands behind her back and approximated an 'at ease' stance. "I'm getting along well, Sir - thank you."
So there they were - hiding behind themselves. He in his forced nonchalance and her in a military detachedness. It seemed to be a default position. He found it comfortable for the first few years, but lately it had been getting on his nerves. She probably knew this.
"Carter, I gotta ask you something," he paced a little. He picked up an object from her bench and held it to a small work lamp. It wasn't anything he recognised. He put it down again. "Is this gate thing going to work?"
She tilted her head to the side and narrowed her eyes a little. She looked deep in thought but he couldn't tell whether it was the project at hand that caused her to consider or whether it was his incalculable behaviour. It was probably both.
"We need to establish the exact location of the Russian's gate, Sir, but if we do, it's simply a matter of filling in the variables."
"And that would take how long?"
"Well - we'd have to test it first," she said. "But a day or two at the most."
He raised his eyebrows. "That fast?"
"Yes, Sir."
He looked at the bench where she was working. "Is that what you're working on now?"
"No, Sir."
He was really beginning to hate that title. "So what are you working on Major?"
He could see her swallow. She looked shifted her weight to the other foot and then back again. "I'm studying the Tollan technology."
"Why?"
She paused again, still looking vaguely uncomfortable. "I think I can use it to evade the spectral range, Sir."
He frowned. "Carter...?"
"I think I can make us invisible."
He blinked. And then he almost laughed. Carter could make them invisible? Well of course she could! Carter could probably teach them how to flap their arms and fly like birds given the right equipment. No wonder the Tok'Ra warmed to her so quickly - now she was going to make them invisible.
As if she could tell what he was thinking she said, "Of course it wouldn't really work on the Tok'Ra. You're noticed how the Goa'uld and the Jaffa seem to have a sense about each other that is beyond sight..." She took a deep breath, as if about to submerge. "But humans on the other hand... we could..."
She gave him a pointed look.
They could use it to evade capture when they returned to Earth.
Which meant that she had never given up on their return and, more importantly she believed he would change his mind.
"Of course, it's not a blanket solution," she continued. "So far I can only get it to work while an object is moving, and the objects I've been using are a lot smaller than the average human being but..."
He waited. "But...?"
"But I think it's worth trying."
He let a breath out, and then he shook his head. "Carter - you're pretty amazing."
The compliment startled her. Her mouth dropped open a little. "Thank you, Sir," she said quietly.
"But there will be better odds some day - even the Tok'Ra agree with that. Maybe you'll get this thing right," he waved at her workbench. "And maybe we'll get to use it in the future but for now - I don't send SG1 on suicide missions." He was conscious of his voice rising slightly in volume - he hadn't intended that.
"With all due respect, Sir. I think you're wrong."
And now he was incredulous. "Oh, you do. Well that's swell Carter, because the view must be pretty nice from the cheap seats back there."
He could have slapped her and it would have had the same effect. She turned away, and put her hands on the bench, as if she was channelling all her energy into the slate. "You never asked us," she said.
"What?"
"You never asked us! Maybe this is something worth dying for, Sir. This is our home, our people - even Selmak can see that! We've put our lives on the line for Abydos and the Tollan - why can't we do it for us?"
"Because it's going to take more than a blanket over our heads to win this one, Carter. And what if I did ask you? Would you be prepared to tell me you didn't want to go? Would Daniel? Would Teal'C?"
"Did you ask?"
"Do I have to?" He threw his hands up into the air. "It wasn't supposed to get this far, Carter."
She looked puzzled. "Sir?"
"We stopped them before - we 'saved the world'. Like Superman." He ran a hand through his hair and rubbed the back of his neck. "We're good at saving the world, Carter, but rescuing it? It wasn't supposed to get this far." And then he looked at her. "And neither were we."
She stared at him for a while. And he became suddenly aware of how quiet the Tok'Ra base was. There were no voices, no footfalls in the hall, no machinery, no music. He detected a faint hum and attached it to the sound the crystals made as they carved their way into the underground. Like the Tok'Ra, they just seemed to keep going.
Carter touched the side of the "lamp" and the light blinked out. The room reverted to the standard illumination that was present in the rest of the Tok'Ra base. "You think this is about you, Jack," she said eventually. "You think everything is about you."
And she walked past him, out into the corridor, and away.
She called him 'Jack'.
*
He wanted to follow her but he was transfixed by her words. He didn't think of himself as self-centred but he assumed a certain arrogance in situations that required that bravado of personality. He didn't think this was one of them.
But he called the shots. He always called the shots. He called the shots six weeks ago when he stopped them from doing something they were both going to regret.
He thought he was doing it for her. Strike one.
But deciding not to return to Earth was a command decision. The kind of decision a CO has to make a God help you when you do. Sometimes you gamble with the situation and you win and you get covered in glory, sometimes you lose and you do things you regret forever, but no idiot would gamble on a known outcome.
At the time he thought it was big of him. Yeah, he was arrogant enough to give himself points for choosing to save their asses for once. Because anyone who knew Jack O'Neill knew he never liked to stand by. He could be depended upon, and he had yet to let down. Until now.
Because he'd let everyone down this time, hadn't he? How many times had they come through? How many last minute, out there, hare brained schemes had they concocted in the nick of time only to come out smiling?
He wondered if they even bothered going to the Beta site this time because, hey, SG1 would save the day - O'Neill would be coming through the gate any minute now to tell them they were out of danger and Carter would have...
Carter would have come up with some crazy, gravity-defying stunt that would probably have sent Einstein into a spin. Carter did that.
In fact, Carter did that so often, he'd come to rely on it.
And no doubt, she had too.
Damn you, Jack, he told himself. Why is everything always about you?
*
"Carter!"
He caught up with her in the corridor. She turned around at the sound of her name.
"Carter, I think..." He drew a deep breath. "I think you've probably heard this a few times, so it might not sound significant, but I thought I should say it anyway: you were right."
She was silent for a beat. "Right about what?"
"Everything - but mostly the bit about me being an egocentric, arrogant, self centred son of a bitch."
"Colonel, I never said..." He almost saw her smile. "I never said you were a son of a bitch"
"Carter - I'm trying to apologise here."
"Sorry, Sir. Go ahead."
She wasn't going to make it easy on him. And he didn't blame her. "I'm sorry. And..." He contemplated his next words for a moment.
"And...?"
He was never good at saying the right thing and he often turned to silence rather than make do with something less.
And silence was the wrong thing. Every time. "It must have been hard - not having an answer this time," he said.
She nodded, slowly. "Yes Sir. It was."
They stood in the corridor, a small space of air separating them like a mountain range between the ocean and the plains.
She looked at him, waiting for him to speak again. He lifted a hand to his chin and rubbed it thoughtfully. "So - you think this invisibility gizmo will work?"
"Yes Sir."
He let his hands fall to his side. "Then I think we should give it a shot."
"Are you sure, Sir?"
"Are you?"
She bit her lip and looked away briefly. "They say the speed of light is slowing down," she said quietly.
"Carter?"
She looked at him again. "The speed of light, Sir. In Einstein's formula for the conversion of matter into energy, matter is a variable but the speed of light, as represented by the letter "c" is a constant. We live in a universe where the constants are changing."
He was prone to tuning out when Carter launched into her physics-speak, but this time something clicked. "So you're saying, there's nothing to be sure of?"
"Well - yeah."
"Carter, the way I see it - we're not in the business of playing it safe."
She met his eyes and held them. "We have to take risks sometimes."
He didn't move. "And live with the consequences."
"Otherwise we stagnate. We go nowhere."
The mountain between them was crumbling as the air grew heavy.
"Okay," he said, eventually.
"Okay."
"Carter?"
"Yes?"
"What did we just agree on?"
She smiled. It was the first time he'd seen her smile since they'd come to the Tok'Ra base. "I think you know, Sir."
*
It was a big, empty building. Dark and cold. And deserted. Daniel was the first to find his flashlight, shining it around to reveal an expanse big enough to hold three large trucks side by side. Possibly a military compound. But impossible to tell without a hint of the former occupants.
"I think we just phase shifted through ten feet of solid ground," Sam said, with awe in her voice.
There was nothing to be heard for miles around. Jack strained his ears against the silence listening for a warning of something - anything.
Jack shone his flashlight on the small group assembled in the dark. He found them individually, each one taking in their surroundings, contemplating the impossible feat they had already accomplished. Himself, Daniel, Carter, Teal'C, Jacob and Selmak made an unusual six.
"Here goes nothing," Jack said under his breath. "Is everyone ready?"
In the half-light he could see Teal'C nod, and Jacob gave a casual salute. "Ready, Colonel."
Daniel shrugged. "As I'll ever be."
Carter fixed her cap straight. She nodded. "Let's do it."
They walked towards the warehouse doors, with their weapons in a stand-by position and Jack couldn't fight a wave of nostalgia that came over him when he saw them like this.
It could all be different tomorrow. Very different. But if the speed of light was no longer a constant then tomorrow was anyone's game.
Carter nudged him with her elbow. "Want to share those thoughts?"
"Just..." Teal'C blew the lock on the warehouse door and Daniel opened it. Outside it was dark and it appeared to be snowing. Jack shone his flashlight into the sky and white flakes sparkled in its glow. It was mesmerising. When he turned back to Carter she was still looking at him, expectantly. "Just glad you're here, Carter."
"Wouldn't miss it," she said.
And they walked out into the night.
Fin
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