Finding Sam
Finding Sam
by C. French aka Peterpan
Title: Finding Sam
Author: C. French aka Peterpan
Email: peterpan@neverneverland.cc
Category: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, MissingScene/Epilogue
Episode related: 202 In the Line of Duty, 405 Divide and Conquer
Season: any Season
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Rating: G
Warnings: none
Summary: Jack is concerned about Sam after she killed Martouf.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Title: Finding Sam
Author: C. French aka peterpan
Email: peterpan4ever@neverneverland.cc Feedback: Please!
Rating: G
Archive: S&J; Heliopolis; anyone else, please ask. Summary: The Colonel is concerned about Major Carter after Martouf's death. Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Spoilers: Anything before Point of no return Status: Complete
Copyright C. French 2002
The Colonel could not stand the look in Sam's eyes. She was still cradling Martouf in her arms. He had a sick feeling that he knew how she felt. Jolinar had loved Martouf or the snake...or both. Sam had to kill him, she did the right thing, but she was going to suffer a long time over this one. He had felt responsible for his own son's death when Charlie had killed himself with the Colonel's gun. Sam was going to need some serious help to get over this. The Colonel quickly instructed Dr. Fraiser to be called.
Sam had told Daniel that Jolinar had the type of love that she wanted to have one day. That she could feel Jolinar's feelings for Martouf. How those words had cut Jack to the heart when he had heard them. Sometimes he wondered if it was a good thing that Sam talked to Daniel and Daniel then relayed the information in Daniel's unique way to Jack. Jack wished that Sam would confide in him instead of Daniel. He knew why she didn't; it would be intimate confiding in the man you're in love with as opposed to someone you think of as a brother. Holy Hannah, how he hated those regulations!
Sam felt things much more intensely than she let on. When Sam looked up at the Colonel he knew he was right. Jolinar's emotions were taking their toll on Sam. It was amazing how much they could communicate in a look. She wanted to be able to tell him everything, to let him hold her and push away the bad feelings but this wasn't the time or the place. Would she ever be able to confide in him after the confessions they made today?
Dr. Fraiser came in and went to Martouf. Sam shook her head and told the doctor it was too late. Anise appeared and explained that for Martouf's death to provide them with the information he had hoped, she needed to get him back to the Tok'ra immediately. They took him back through the gate within minutes.
The Colonel used the time to talk to the doctor. The Doc was a close friend to all of SG-1, but especially to Sam. He explained his concerns in short clipped sentences. Janet explained that Sam was still also feeling the affects of the drugs they had started to administer before she remembered what was causing the false reading on the Za'tarc machine. Jack was suddenly shaking his head. Had all of this happened in just one day?
"Doc, I've never been this worried about her, but she's been drugged, she's admitted in a room full of people her feelings for me that she isn't supposed to have and she has killed a man that some snakehead that lived in her for a short period of time loved and she has experienced the snakehead's feelings. How much can she take???"
Janet was watching Sam with deep concern. She didn't need the Colonel to tell her what Sam had been through; she had watched Sam panic as she realized the Colonel was making the ultimate sacrifice that might lead to his death for her sake. She had then administered the drugs and had watched the admission. She had also watched Sam brush it all under a rug saying that they didn't have to do anything about their feelings. Jack appeared more upset about it than Sam did, but Janet knew how much Sam loved the Colonel and wanted a life with him. She had watched the pain and struggle to bring the Colonel home after months, when everyone else had given up hope.
She also had watched Sam carefully after she had first met Martouf. He had dredged up Jolinar's feelings. Sam had been so confused by the strength of Jolinar's emotions. She had said it made her feel schizophrenic. She really wasn't far from the truth. Any one of the day's events would have been traumatic for Sam, but all together, it was frightening.
Janet quickly explained to the Colonel that she was going to keep Sam in the infirmary over night, sedated to make sure she slept, and that in the morning they would evaluate her situation. Jack was relieved, but not convinced this was enough. He told Janet he would be spending the night on the base if she needed him. Janet just gave him a knowing but genuinely grateful smile.
Sam had been holding Martouf's hand as the Tok'ra had prepared to leave. When they started through the Stargate she finally dropped his hand. She just stood there staring long after the Tok'ra had gone through the gate. Janet gently reached out and touched Sam's forearm. Sam jumped a mile. Jack was watching and winced. Janet smiled gently and said, "Sam, honey, come with me. You are still feeling the affects of the drugs."
Sam shook her head and replied, "I'm fine, Janet."
The Colonel walked up behind her and said over her shoulder in an incongruously gentle but firm voice, "Not this time, Major. Go with the Doc, and that's an order. I'll come by later and check on you."
Sam started to reply, "But I'm fi...."
"Major!" Jack interrupted. Sam looked from the Colonel to the doctor and knew she wasn't going to win this one. She wasn't happy. She wanted to be alone, not in the busy infirmary...but she knew she was licked so she submitted to going with Dr. Fraiser.
Janet quickly got her in bed and sedated. It didn't take much with what she had given Sam earlier, which was unusual. Due to the symbiote she had carried for a short time, normal doses of drugs didn't normally phase Sam. Janet then sat beside her and asked if there was anything she wanted to talk about. Sam clammed up and indicated there was nothing to talk about. Janet snorted, "Well let's see, you were accused of being a Za'tarc, so was the Colonel. You were accused of being conspirators who would murder the president. You were given the choice of brain damage or possibly killing yourself. You were then given a third choice of being put to sleep until we figured this thing out. You watched the man you care about decide to try what might cause permenant brain damage in the hopes that it might help you, you figured out that you weren't a Za'tarc, because you were lying to yourself. You confronted the Colonel about the fact that you two love each other. You agreed to do nothing about your feelings without even discussing it. You then killed the man that your symbiote loved. You experienced the emotions the symbiote did...No, just an ordinary day, Sam!" Janet finished, obviously a little miffed her best friend was pulling the stupid stiff upper lip, I don't need anyone routine...again!
Sam had crossed her arms across her chest and rolled her eyes. "There's nothing to talk about Janet. I think the sedative is taking affect, I'm going to sleep." Sam rolled over and closed her eyes. She knew she wasn't going to sleep, but she knew Janet would not leave her alone unless she thought she was.
Neither of the women realized the Colonel was out side the door listening. The tears in his eyes would have broken both of their hearts. He slid to the floor. He was determined not to be far away if Sam needed him. He knew she had nightmares. He had heard her cry out in her sleep on many occasions, but she always denied it later. She had dreams about Jolinar and being tortured on Netu, as well as her own memories of Netu, then there was the time she was kidnapped and sold into slavery, the time she thought Daniel was dead, the time I was stuck on the planet with Liara, how he hated himself for not waiting one more day...for not having faith that Sam would find a way to get him off of the planet. There was the time they were stuck on the glacier and he was badly wounded, the metal bugs, the Goa'uld. This was just the beginning of her nightmares. He secretly liked it when she was having a nightmare about the Colonel being in danger, but he felt guilty for it at the same time.
Janet nearly tripped over the Colonel when she left the ward. She was immediately indignant. She tried to send him to bed with a sedative as well, even offered him a bed in the infirmary, but he refused. He didn't want Sam to know he was watching her, but he wasn't going to leave. Janet convinced him to at least take a pain pill. He obviously had a serious headache. Jack agreed, not realizing Janet would choose something that would relieve the pain but also make him sleep. He was soon sound asleep as he sat on the floor leaning against the wall.
Janet was convinced Sam had gone to sleep as well and decided to sleep on the base in case she was needed. She informed the nurse where she could be found and went to her quarters on the base.
The Doctor had not been gone two hours when the nurse took a break. Sam quietly slipped out of the bed and quickly dressed. She couldn't believe it when she rounded the doorway and almost stepped on the Colonel. He was sound asleep. She moved around him as quietly as she could and went to her lab. She locked the door behind her. There was a small area of wall between two pieces of equipment. Sam leaned against the cabinet and slid down to the floor. She sat with her legs bent and her feet on the other piece of equipment. She was behind the table if anyone had bothered to look in...they would not see her.
The Colonel woke up a few minutes later. The nurse had come back and was furious that Major Carter was gone. The Colonel jumped up rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, cursing himself and the "good Doctor" for the medication that he knew had brought on the sleep. He grabbed the phone and called the gate. He asked if Major Carter had left the mountain. He was relieved to hear that she had not. He instructed the guards not to allow her to leave. He immediately started a systematic search of the base. He started with the Doctor's quarters. Maybe Sam had gone there to talk. He found her alone and proceeded to the commissary, but she wasn't there. He tried Daniel's room and found that he had gone home for the night. He tried Teal'c's room, but he was in a deep state of Kelnorim. He then thought of Sam's lab. Of course, she would hide there. He stopped by his office and picked up a master key that worked on most of the doors in the base. He swiftly went to the Major's lab and let himself in.
At first he was extremely disappointed as he glanced around the room, but as he stood there he heard a tiny sob. He walked around the table and what he saw tore his heart to pieces. He hadn't felt this much pain since Charlie had died. Sam was curled into a tight ball and tears were streaming down her face. She was trying to hide her face from the Colonel.
He slid down to the floor facing her. His hand was even with hers. He sat there in silence for a few moments. He wasn't good with words, and he had no idea where to begin. What was she crying about? Martouf? Them? Jolinar? Us? He took a deep breathe and laid his hand on her forearm. He started out with a simple "Hey."
The Major was furious that he had found her and so quickly. She wondered how he had gotten in her lab, but she didn't want to think about it right now. She knew he was concerned, but she just wanted to be alone. She had so much to sort out and it was hard to think with "him" that close. Somehow, though, that simple "hey" seemed to make things a little better. She turned and gave him a slight smile through the tears and replied in an unsteady voice, "Hey."
Encouraged by the small reaction, the Colonel decided to dive in, "Are you okay?"
Sam laughed bitterly through the tears, "Yea, sure, you betcha. I'm fine. No, I'm not okay!" she spat at him.
Sam fumed at his initial response. He laughed almost in relief. "I thought you were gonna lie to me. I didn't know how I was going to get past it." His hand slipped down to Sam's and squeezed gently. She rolled her eyes, but didn't pull away. He continued, "You may not believe me, but I think I understand how you feel about killing Martouf."
Sam's eyes jerked up to meet the Colonel's. She had been staring at his hand holding hers. "I don't think so," she replied.
"When Charlie killed himself, he did it with my gun. I felt like I had pulled the trigger. I had never loved anyone, not even Sara the way I loved Charlie. I think I have a good idea of how you feel."
Sam squeezed his hand. She looked up shyly as she met his eyes. "Maybe you do. I can't begin to explain how I feel. Jolinar's memories when Martouf was near have always been over powering. It is so damn confusing. I knew when he wasn't around that it's you..." Sam blushed and dropped her eyes. Jack squeezed her hand in acknowledgement of understanding what she was trying to say. "When Martouf was there, I felt her emotions. It is like she continued to live through me, even after she died. Martouf felt it. He had always hoped something would develop between us. But then he didn't know Sam's heart was lost to someone else long before Jolinar entered her." Sam finished sadly.
This time it was Jack's turn to show the shock as his mouth dropped open. He finally found his voice and asked weakly, "Really?"
Sam couldn't believe she was having this conversation on this day. She gave him a small smile and responded, "Yes, really. It saved my sanity, when Jolinar blended with me. It was one of the few emotions that I was sure was mine. It became a life line."
Jack opened his mouth to speak, then closed it. He finally said, "Sam, why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you let me help you through it?"
Sam fought back the tears, "How could I? The no frat rules. It was bad enough that I was in love with my CO. I couldn't tell you. If I confided in you about what I was going through with Jolinar's memories, it would have become apparent what that you were my lifeline. I wouldn't have survived if I had not been able to work with you on a daily basis."
Neither Jack nor Sam had heard the door silently open several minutes earlier, nor did they realize that Janet had been listening, with a sadly pleased look on her face. As usual, the Colonel had been worried about Sam but Janet had been worried about both of them. Janet knew the best thing for both of them was each other. It might not be the right answer according to the regulations, but as a doctor it was the right thing. She locked the door as quietly as possible and closed it behind her. Jack and Sam never knew she was there.
Jack swung around and took Sam in his arms with Sam facing him. He tilted her back so that he was looking down into her face. "I wouldn't survive without you," he simply said. They sat quietly just holding each other for hours. He thought Sam had finally gone to sleep but she opened her eyes and watched him watching her.
She said, "Hey" and he replied with the same. "I wish this moment could go on forever," she said quietly. Jack squeezed her tightly and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.
"It could, you know," Jack replied.
Sam sadly shook her head, "No it couldn't. Not as long as the Goa'uld and the replicators are a threat. We make a good team, sir, too good to ruin as much as I would like to at times."
Jack simply nodded and held her tighter. There were no words for how devastated he was by the truth of her words. He determined in his heart that night that they would defeat the Goa'uld and Sam would be his wife one day. Now that he knew she was his, he would never loose her again.
The End
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