It Doesn't Matter
It Doesn't Matter
by Breniah
TITLE: It Doesn't Matter
AUTHOR: Breniah
EMAIL: breniah@hotmail.com
CATEGORY: Sam and Jack
SPOILERS: 100 Days and Shades of Gray (kinda)
SEASON / SEQUEL: Season 3
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: m/f
SUMMARY: Sam is being reflective
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I'm not generally big on angst, I much prefer happy fluff. I have no idea where this came from, I just had to write it. Also, I hate the title so if anyone has better ideas, please stand and shower me with them.
I can't be with him.
That one single thought hurts more than I ever thought possible.
It keeps reverberating in my head, over and over, like a mantra.
I don't know when the realisation struck. I don't really care. I just wish it would go away. I never realised a person could feel this much hurt and still be alive. Of course, there is a difference between emotional pain and physical pain.
Janet is worried about me. She thinks I am pushing myself too far, like I did when I tried to get Jack... Colonel O'Neill back from Edora. I guess I am pushing myself too much. I see her frown at me when I work back late or take my work home with me. The guys have also begun to worry about me too, in their clumsy way. But until someone says something I don't have to worry about it. Until they say something, I am *unaware* that they are worried. I have that to hide behind at least.
I can't be with him.
The thought surfaces again in my mind and re-enforces the pain that comes with that knowledge. I can't be with him. I can't be with him. Maybe if I keep saying it, it will get easier to hear. I can't be with him. Well that didn't work.
It hurts so much, like its choking me. Deep in the pit of my stomach, there is this hollowness, gut wrenching emptiness that I carry with me day after day. I don't know how to get rid of it. Every time I see him it comes back. It hurts to see him and not be with him. It hurts not to see him. It just hurts. I feel like a petulant child that can't understand why this is happening. I guess I am in a way.
I reach over and grab my notes on the mission we had just gotten back from. Less than a minute later I shoved them away and sigh. It was a good mission, safe yet interesting. I guess the spark is gone. The line between loving my work and loving it because of him has blurred. I can't work without thinking of him. And I'm not sure why I work so hard anymore.
What pains me the most is the reason I can't be with him.
It's me. I can't be with him because of me. Forget the regulations, forget what he feels, I can't be with feeling like this. Maybe a few months ago it wouldn't have been a problem. Actually I know it wouldn't have been a problem because I wasn't feeling like this. But something happened, and everything I feel is now being called into question.
I love him. I hate him. I love him. I hate him. They are of the same thing. Different sides of the same coin. But it's the rest that gets me. I am hurting. All I want to do is turn around and make him hurt like I do. I still feel anger, jealousy, shock, lust, fear, panic and a myriad of other emotions that I have no names for. It's like they are all floating around inside me and I never know which one will surface when I am next around him. It's getting dangerous and that's why I can't be with him. Plus, I don't know if I can live with loving him.
All I can think to do is run, run away for a while. Get away from the source of my problems and deal with my emotions somewhere where they aren't on display every other day. But how can you leave someone you love? How can you bring yourself to do that? Where do you find the strength?
It all happened so fast. All these emotions came out of the blue. Ok so that's not *entirely* true. If I'm totally honest with myself, and I guess we have to be at times, I've been feeling a lot of things already and just pushed them back down under the surface, hiding them away as if they were something to be ashamed of. Bottling them up until they exploded. And oh my, the fireworks were *oh* so pretty when it did happen.
I think his sarcasm has rubbed off onto me.
There is just too much to think about, too much to feel. I must have leave owing. I'll ask General Hammond in the morning. It's time to get away for a while.
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Breniah
Heliopolis Main Archive
A Stargate: SG-1 Fanfiction Site
It Doesn't Matter
by BreniahSite Navigation
Support Heliopolis