Writer's Cramp
Lin L. Barrett.
Title: Writer's Cramp
Author: Lin L. Barrett
Summary: Jack has a few words with a fanfic writer.
E-mail: vienne123@hotmail.com
Rating: FAM
Status: Complete.
Category: Humor
Content Warnings: Mention is made of slash. Mention is made of het. Absolutely nothing happens in either direction.
Author's note: A friend-on-the-internet went to Europe, lucky lady, and was the recipient of a terse E-mail from Jack saying he'd missed her, and had suffered at other people's hands (mine among them). Being the sort of person I am, I took it from there.
DISCLAIMER: The characters mentioned in this story are the sole property of TPTB, not the author. This fan fiction is not intended as an infringement upon their rights and is meant solely for entertainment; no profit was made from this story. The story idea and the story itself only are the sole property of the author.
Author's Copyright: May 20, 2001 - 10:36 A.M.
May 23
>From the desk of Colonel Jack O'Neill, USAF, SGC
To: Captain Alvord Horton, USAF, SGC
Captain Horton:
In reply to the questions posed in your memorandum of May 22:
1.) It is in fact a requirement of deployment to the SGC that you participate in the fanfic activities scheduled.
2.) It's unfortunately true that no one gets to choose which writer he or she works with. The writers choose us.
3.) Your assessment is correct: that does suck.
4.) You fell into the hands of a whumper, the term used for authors who like to damage members of the SGC. Unfortunately, this is the breaks (literally) of the game.
5.) You were cast as Ensign Dispensable, and therefore your character met a gory end not too far into the piece. Again, my hands are tied. My condolences. Mary Sue Writer is often quite entertaining to work with. Not this time, at least not for you.
6.) It is equally unfortunate that you were cast in a slash piece. However, Dr. Fraiser assures me that
7.) the fractures will heal and
8.) the scars will fade. Dr. MacKenzie assures me that
9.) your fear of heights will diminish, and that, given time,
10.) you may be able to actually look me in the face without flinching.
11.) Eventually, you will be able to Gate with us once more.
My sincere condolences that your first experience with fanfic should have been so traumatic.
Pardon the left-handed scrawl. The bones are healing fast, but it does take time.
J a c k O'N e i J
Colonel Jack O'Neill
OIC, SG-1
From the desk of Colonel Jack O'Neill, USAF, SGC
To: Mary Sue Writer
May 23, 2001
Ms. Writer:
I must protest the treatment that Captain Alvord Horton received at your hands in your most recent SG-1 fanfic. Captain Horton is a fine officer whose record and achievements was in no way reflected in your selection of him to play the part of Ensign Dispensable in "The First of the Fires."
And really, slashing him with me has made both his and my lives considerably more complex than they needed to be.
My signature is less than usually legible. You know why.
J a c k O'N e i J
Colonel Jack O'Neill
OIC, SG-1
From the desk of Mary Sue Writer
To Colonel Jack O'Neill, USAF, SGC
May 31
Dearest Jack,
What?!? You wrote me?!? I didn't think you actually existed! I thought makeup and wardrobe and hair all had to get done with RDA for you to exist!
Yours in trembling anticipation,
Mary Sue Writer
Mary Sue Writer
From the desk of Colonel Jack O'Neill, USAF, SGC
To: Mary Sue Writer
June 2
Ms. Writer:
RDA? The Required Daily Allowance of what?
Makeup, wardrobe, and hair sound like you're referring to television, or the movies. While I'll catch Bruce Willis' movies, I never watch any television except for hockey since "McGyver" went off the air. Now there was a show.
I have also been informed of your latest plans for SG-1. Please, please, I beg you, reconsider.
Pardon my left-handed scrawl.
J a c k O'N e i J
Colonel Jack O'Neill
OIC, SG-1
>From the desk of Mary Sue Writer
To Colonel Jack O'Neill, USAF, SGC
June 2
Oh, wow. I'm gonna frame this e-mail.
Just to let you know, I'm going to Europe next week. Plans for the fanfic are definitely on hold.
Yours in trembling anticipation,
Mary Sue Writer
Mary Sue Writer
From the desk of Colonel Jack O'Neill, USAF, SGC
To: Mary Sue Writer
June 3
Ms. Writer:
Bon voyage. Please consider taking an extra week. Europe is wonderful.
By the time you get back, I'll be able to write my name again.
J a c k O'N e i J
Colonel Jack O'Neill
OIC, SG-1
From the desk of Colonel Jack O'Neill, USAF, SGC
To: A. Nonny Mouse Wreiter
June 14
Dear Ms Wreiter:
What have you done with Captain Horton? It was my belief that only Mary Sue Writer was allowed to work with him, but here you are, borrowing the poor man and killing him off completely.
Now SGC is down a person, and you have no friggin' idea how difficult it is to get the five reams of paperwork filled out to get another Ensign Dispensable down here.
Watch it, willya?
When is Mary Sue Writer due back?
This is my signature. Everybody suffers when the whumpers get vicious. Keep it in mind.
J a c k O'N e i J
Colonel Jack O'Neill
OIC, SG-1
From the desk of Colonel Jack O'Neill, USAF, SGC
To: Mary Sue Writer
June 20
Dear Mary:
Where the hell have you been? It's been more than two weeks.
I hope it was something wonderful that delayed you, but woman, get back here and get back to work.
I've had to get whumped, get dumped, get married, and be slashed with all kinds of people I never met before in my life. Sam's stopped speaking to me altogether, Daniel avoids me, Hammy makes eyes at me in the Gate room, and Teal'c spends time on missions talking to me about going on Jerry Springer to "resolve our relationship issues with one another."
Mary, we need you. I need you. Help me, help us, please.
Just don't lend out any more Ensign Dispensables, okay?
The bones have healed, and this is my usual scrawl.
J a c l O'N i q
Colonel Jack O'Neill
OIC, SG-1
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