1.
You’ve been gone for a week now and I miss you so terribly. Sam found me crying in your office yesterday. I’d been trying to get some work done, because I know that’s what you’d want me to do, and I made some sort of silly remark to you, only to look up and see that you weren’t there. I guess it really hit me that you might’nt ever come back. I was sitting in your chair wrapped in the jacket you left on the back of it the day we left. I guess I was pretty upset because Sam said she tried to get my attention for a bit before I finally noticed her.
I’m wearing your jacket right now. It smells like you, smells like home somehow.
Did I ever tell you how fabulous you smell? Even hot and sweaty or covered in mud after some dreadful mission; you smell good. So I’m keeping this jacket. Just you try and get it back from me when you come home!
Took me hours to stop crying. And here I was thinking I’d cried it all out on that first day. That day when we abandoned you. Cameron dragged me through the ‘gate you know. I begged him to go back for you. He wouldn’t. You’re officially MIA but he thinks you’re dead.
I’m afraid he might be right.
2.
Sam told me you’ve nine lives whatever that means. Something about cats or some such nonsense. She gave me this journal yesterday after she found me crying in your office. She said I should write to you so I wouldn’t feel so alone. Apparently, she’d done that when you Ascended. It helped her “let you go”. I don’t want to let you go Daniel. I never got to hold on to you in the first place.
3.
You’ve been gone for 9 days.
I had a dream last night about us. We were at that little Bistro restaurant you took me to after our first “date” went to hell. And yes Daniel, I know it wasn’t a date. But I pretended it was, you know. I wanted to think it was a date. I wanted you to want it to be a date. We had fun that night though didn’t we? You ordered that spicy snap-fish thing you love so much and I had that Gorgon-blue chicken thing. I cut into it and it made this rather rude noise and squirted all over the plate. You laughed so hard you spluttered wine out your nose.
I love the way you laugh.
Anyway, in the dream I was telling you how I really felt and you weren’t very nice about it. You told me that I was an “emotional unstable wreck” and that “never in a million MILLION years would you ever consider” getting involved with me. I woke up crying again.
But that’s how you’d respond. I know that. And all this sulking about and crying all the time isn’t doing much to change that impression. If indeed anyone but you sees me that way anymore.
And why are you the only one who thinks I’m an emotional nutcase? I’m not the one who spends his life pining away for the memory of his perfect mate. And I am not dismissing your tragedy or the grief. I know a lot about grief Daniel. I’ve been spit on by the first man I loved; beaten by another. Rejected by my entire village. Abandoned time and time again. Imprisoned, tortured, and raped. I’m not an emotional wreck. I’m a survivor. Just like you.
4.
If you were here right now, we’d be eating breakfast together. I love that you eat with me every morning. You don’t have to, but it’s my favourite time of day. You don’t have those worry lines between your eyes yet, and you’re slightly grumpy but quite adorable actually. We talk about the day ahead, or rather I talk and you drink coffee with bleary eyes and periodically grunt at me. I miss you on those rare mornings when you stay off base.
Daniel, I can’t bring myself to eat oatmeal anymore. It sticks in my throat.
5.
I have decided that, despite the odds and Cameron’s sad eyes, you are still alive. When I am in your office or alone in my room at night I can sense you. Remember how you told me that you never believed I was dead after I was “saved” by the Ori and impregnated with Adria? You said you knew I was somewhere in the universe. I am not entirely sure if that pleased you at the time, but it pleases me now. I think the bonding bracelets may have had permanent side effects.
6.
You are with Adria aren’t you? I’m afraid of what she’s up to with you. I can’t imagine it is very pleasant whatever she is doing. Unless of course---I certainly don’t want my mind to imagine her touching you in that way.
I had another disturbing dream last night about the two of you. She was “loving” you and I was chained to the wall being forced to watch. You were laughing at me Daniel and just as you reached the pinnacle of your ecstasy, my daughter--MY daughter Daniel--turned you into a Prior.
I awoke in a cold sweat.
7.
Jack called today. I think he, above anyone, understands what I’m feeling. He told me you were a “bad penny” or something and that you “always turn up unexpectedly”. He is really such a sweet man. He also told me something rather amusing; at least he seems to think so. Apparently I’m the “best thing that has happened to you in years”. I apparently “fire the boy up” and “an amped up Danny is a happy Danny.”
Just to be clear then Daniel, I’ll continue to annoy you when you return. Jack practically ordered me to. And who am I to question the General’s commands?
8.
Daniel, I think I should say it now for what It’s worth. I love you. Truly. I know I won’t be able to say the words when you finally come home but here at least I should be honest. I’m surprised how this silly journal is filling up. Now I understand why you carry yours around with you though. I would hate to have this fall into the wrong hands, mostly yours I think. That wouldn’t be good at all.
But well, here it is. I love you.
I’m quite out of my depth with you actually. Every fibre of my being resonates with each breath you take. I crave your smell. The barest whisper of a smile sends my heart racing.
At night, I need only recall it and my body throbs with need. Since that single moment of aborted passion we shared so long ago, the only thing I think about when I pleasure myself is the taste of your lips and the feel of your tongue as it thrust against mine. I felt you yield to me in that moment, your hardness pressing upwards. You threatened to overwhelm me and I couldn’t lose the upper hand. Stupid move since now you’ll never trust me enough to offer again.
Daniel, I cry out your name whenever my fingers take me to completion.
I saw only your face whenever Tomin touched me in the dark of night.
10.
You’ve been gone for 19 days. I wish I could tell you that each day was getting easier but it really isn’t. The longer you’re gone, the more horrifying my fears become. Is she torturing you? Have they turned your brilliance into mush? Sometimes alone in your office, I feel your dread, your impotent anger crashing in on me. How much longer will you survive?
We had a terrible mission the other day. You can read all about it in the mission report when you come back but there was this moment when I was left completely alone on the planet---thinking the rest of the team was gone. I thought about ending it then because I knew I’d never find you without their help and I knew I’d never survive your death without them around to comfort me. When Teal’c reappeared, along with the rest of the village, I nearly crushed him for joy.
But the news was not all good. Samantha was gravely wounded. Thankfully, we were able to gate home in time but it will be many weeks before she’s well enough to go on missions and so we find ourselves grounded for the near future. I’ll visit her as much as she can stand me but the rest of the time I have decided to finish all that work we’ve been ignoring.
You really are a disorganized creature. I wonder if the system of filing I’m setting up on the server will only infuriate you but I’m really not sure what else to do as I need to make sense of your unfinished projects. I must find some meaningful work to earn my keep around this place.
11.
General Landry dropped by this morning with a couple of new fish for your aquarium. He told me they required specialized care and he expected me to keep them alive until you get back. Such lovely little golden and orange fish with fancy tails. Apparently they are quite rare although Mitchell smiled and snorted when I explained that to him. The other fish seem happy to have them on board. I’ve called them Merlin and Thor although it did seem unfair that they had names when the others didn’t, so I named them all. The ugly sucker that finds fish poop a delicacy I have named Ba’al. General Landry said that it has a symbiotic relationship with the other fish so I found it strangely fitting. The large fish with the lovely black stripes I have called Victoria. I wonder if she has as many secrets as I do.
I love the tranquility of the fish and now, amidst the silence of your office, I recognize the peace they offer.
If you were here right now, I think I might be able to tell you how much I admire you. Everyone does, Daniel; everyone misses you. I don’t imagine I miss you anymore than they do but I am not sure they need you in order to breathe. I do.
Sam is healing remarkably quickly as usual. We will be back to full duty in a week.
12.
You have been gone for 30 days now. Merlin and Thor are getting big and they have a few new friends. Mitchell showed up this morning with a scarlet fish with a black tail. It’s a bossy thing so I’ve named it Anubis.
And Sam brought me a lovely blue angelfish this afternoon. She says that the fish is “singin da blues” just like I am. I called it Billie. She thought that was quite funny and left to a chorus of “Can’t help lovin dat man o’ mine….”
I was reminded of that dinner the team had at your place a few months ago. More than a few months ago, isn’t it? You had this new collection of songs by Billie Holiday and we all listened to it, despite Cameron’s insistence that some Cash person was a better choice. That night, I hoped you’d see how happy you made me.
I pretended to fall asleep on your shoulder, just to feel as if you wanted me there, even though I knew you were just being nice and trying not to wake me.
You know jazz is the only Tau’ri music I’ve taken to? Jack says its because I’ve got soul. I think that’s a good thing? He calls me everyday now.
13.
It occurred to me today as I tagged your notes by both culture and type of artifact, that it had been more than 6 weeks since I held your head in my lap after your ordeal with Merlin’s device. You leaned into my touch and relaxed against me, allowing me to comfort you, if only for a moment. I thought you might have been glad I was there—that it was me and not one of the others. There was a moment when you squeezed my hand and whispered my name that I believed it was possible that some part of you loved me, yearned for my touch but that moment was snatched from us, or maybe just from me, when all hell broke lose. And before I knew it we were gone and so were you.
14.
We found you today. But not really. It is worse than if she’d killed you and even though part of me knows you’re still you? I can’t bear to….
Oh Daniel, I want you back. Back and sniping at me and rejecting my feeble attempts at loving you. The first man I truly loved was taken by the Ori. Loving him came as a surprise even if losing him really didn’t.
You will never really know what leaving you strapped in that chair has cost me. I want to believe you but I can’t risk it again Daniel. I can’t risk your entire planet on my need to believe it’s really you somewhere in that ghoulish body.
But I won’t let them kill you. So I better come up with that plan I promised you.
15.
Well you are back after all and I’m glad for that. I missed you so awfully and I’m telling myself that it’s enough just that you’re here. It will never be enough, but it will have to be since you show no inclination towards me other than friendship. And I have your trust, which perhaps is more than I deserve. I think I’ll put this journal away for the time being. After all, it was supposed to help me “let you go” and now you are back so I can work on that “letting go and moving on” part more directly
Tomorrow we’ll be off on this long mission to the Ida Galaxy. I’m going to leave this journal behind. I like the Odyssey, but somehow, despite its more posh rooms, it lacks the charm of our Prometheus.
16.
Well I thought I was done with this stupid journal but I need to make sense of that blasted mission. Apparently, we spent FIFTY years trapped on the Odyssey. I thought for sure that I would…well—I couldn’t even bring myself to ask Teal’c so I asked about Cameron and even him as possibilities. I mean fifty years is a long time. Stuff had to have happened. Right? But, he knows how I feel about you; everyone does. Except you of course. He just looked at me with such pain in his eyes and said nothing.
I took it to mean that you had rejected me. Over and over and over. I mean, I would have given up on you eventually, but you must have hurt me so terribly Daniel. Gives new meaning to “not even if you were the last woman on earth…” doesn’t it? Knowing that you really won’t ever return my feelings is finally and relentlessly clear. I will miss even the fantasy of you. The possibility of one day having your love was worth quite a bit. Without it, I feel strangely and unequivocally alone. Again.
Daniel wiped the tears from his cheeks and took a steadying breath. He knew he shouldn’t have been snooping in Vala’s quarters; he’d told himself it was to find some sort of clue as to where she was—some hint as to why she had disappeared from the marketplace on Px3-198 two weeks earlier.
When he’d found the box of trinkets under her bed and the journal, he had dared to hope. And before long, he’d been caught up in reading it. She was nothing like he’d thought. She was—god, he had been such a fool.
Daniel had just carefully secured the journal and box in its hiding place when he realized that he was no longer alone. Teal’c stood in the doorway. “Did you find what you were looking for Daniel Jackson?”
Daniel laughed ruefully, “Apparently I found it years ago T.”
“Indeed.”
“She can’t be dead. I need—“
“She is not. That is what I came to tell you. The Lucian Alliance sold her to the Trust.” Daniel stood up abruptly, his face unable to mask his horror.
“Do not fear Daniel Jackson,” Teal’c said reassuringly. “I have just finished speaking with our good friend Kedi. Vala Mal Doran was to have been exchanged on P2X-402 in a few hours. The Jaffa operatives on the planet should have her in custody within a very short time.”
“They can be quite convincing I’m sure,” Daniel smiled. “How badly did you have to hurt Kedi to find all this out?”
“Not at all, Daniel Jackson. Our previous encounter and his need for Kassa made the interrogation much shorter this time.”
Daniel sighed, “Do you think she might still feel um—like she did before?” He coughed nervously.
“What do you mean? How she feels about what? You perhaps?” Teal’c asked knowingly. “You have stumbled upon some information in your private perusal of Vala Mal Doran’s quarters?”
“Her journal.”
“I see. Are you asking me if she still admires and seeks you as her mate?”
Daniel mumbled, “Kinda.”
“She cannot stop. She has tried. You have made it difficult.” The corners of Teal’c’s mouth twitched almost imperceptibly.
“Difficult for her to keep loving me,” Daniel stated rather than asked.
Teal’c breathed out in a rush of annoyance, “Difficult for her to stop loving you. You are very annoying in that regard.”
Daniel laughed. “You sound like Jack.”
“I shall take that as a compliment Daniel Jackson.”
When the klaxons signaled the imminent return of Vala and her rescuers, Daniel was waiting anxiously in the gateroom. He’d been pacing for the better part of the hour since they had received word of her successful rescue.
He waited only for the event horizon to settle before he bounded up the ramp in anticipation.
Vala emerged alone from the azure puddle that Daniel had once said “hope used to be”. Now he knew better.
“Those brawny friends of yours opted to stay and explain a few things to my captors, Muscles,” she said in an elevated voice before lowering her tone. “Daniel, I’m so glad to see you.”
He gathered her into his arms and rocked her, gently stroking her hair and trying unsuccessfully to get a handle on his surging emotions. “Vala, god—I--”
“Well, if I’d have known you’d miss me this much, I’d have got myself kidnapped years ago—oh wait, I did, didn’t I?” She giggled against him, savouring the feel of his powerful arms around her for the brief moments before he would undoubtedly release her.
“Don’t. Don’t joke about this. Did they hurt you? Did they…a-abuse you?” Daniel stroked the side of her cheek and looked into her eyes. Eyes, he now knew, were capable of keeping many secrets from him. But no longer.
Vala sensed the subtle change but dismissed it, “No. No they didn’t. Well…the food was atrocious and the toilet facilities left a lot to be desired…how are our fish by the way?”
He laughed and pulled her against him again. “I love you,” he whispered against her ear. “And I’m an idiot.” She tilted her head to look at him, her eyes a mixture of incredulity and hope. “You heard me Vala. I love you and I know I have a lot of nerve asking you if you still love me and I know I shouldn’t have read the journal or snooped around in your room but I was looking for something that could help us find…”
“Shut up Daniel.”
“But…”
“Just kiss me.”
“Okay,” he smiled and bent to capture her lips. She opened to him, the guarded stiffness of her posture relaxing in response to the way he pressed her closer. Daniel whimpered as they deepened the kiss and he felt the tension leave her body entirely. They kissed with a passion born of long denial, letting lips and tongue say what should have been said years ago. Reluctantly, Vala pulled away but wrapped herself more completely around him, sighing heavily against his chest.
The room was still full of people, most of them stock still and perhaps even afraid to break the spell between them. Vala looked out at them from the confines of Daniel’s arms and smiled dreamily, “Hi everyone.”
Cameron was the first to speak. “We’re all feeling like we’re sittin’ on the bedpost, so can you get a room or something?” Daniel blushed deeply and Vala giggled. “After Vala visits the infirmary and we’ve had a chance to debrief,” he hastened to add. He was silenced with a cautionary scowl from Landry. “Or that could wait?” he squeaked.
“It can wait!” Landry barked. “Miss Mal Doran clearly needs to rest.”
“Take me to bed,” Vala whispered huskily so that only Daniel could hear.
“Okay,” Daniel smiled sheepishly and swept her off her feet carrying her from the room amid catcalls and applause.