Alisa shivered as she stood in the Gateroom. The entire room was filled on the warm summer’s day but all she felt was cold. The black dress she wore, the one thing she’d brought with her for formal functions, felt itchy and uncomfortable but she didn’t move. She could only stare at the coffin before her, draped in the Scottish flag, a box holding all that was remained of her friend. The man she’d come to love as her uncle.
Alisa felt her father’s hand rest on her back in comfort but she couldn’t tear her eyes away from the coffin. She knew Elizabeth had started to talk but didn’t hear any of the words said. Shaking as her father moved forward to take his place as a pallbearer, Alisa walked behind them through the Stargate to Earth.
Carson’s coffin was carried slowly through the corridors of the SGC to the morgue; their plane for Scotland wasn’t until the next morning. Alisa followed on behind unable to stop herself but she remained at the doors watching as the coffin was placed down.
Rodney turned and saw Alisa standing there, with a few quick strides he was at his daughter’s side and hugged her to him.
“I’m sorry, Lissa,” he murmured as he rocked her from side to side.
“There are rooms for you all to get some rest before your flight,” Landry spoke up, Alisa looked up surprised as she had no idea he was with them.
“Thank you, sir,” John said for them all.
Slowly they walked through the corridors; a few SF’s led them to the rooms set aside for them and each gladly entered the silence to grieve.
“Lissa,” Rodney sat her down and gave her some water to drink, “You should try and sleep for a few hours.”
Alisa shook her head, “I don’t...I just...” she suddenly looked up at him stricken, “Laura.”
“What about her?” Rodney asked confused.
“She won’t know,” Alisa whispered, “We have to tell her, we have to...it should be us, not someone who... who...” tears slipped down her cheeks as Rodney drew her to him again.
“It’s okay,” he soothed, rocking her gently, “I’ll find out if she’s on the base and I’ll,” he paused for a few seconds, “I’ll break the news to her.”
Alisa let go of him, she went into the bathroom and changed into something less formal to get some rest before curling up on the bed and closing her eyes as Rodney called up to the General. She could hear his voice talking softly but she couldn’t quite make out what he was saying. Her father was good at that, a skill learned from many years of practice. When he put the phone down, Rodney sat beside her.
“Laura’s been called in,” Rodney said, gently stroking his daughter’s hair, “She doesn’t know so I’ll tell her. You don’t have to worry, Lissa, it won’t be someone who didn’t know him.”
Laura Cadman walked through the corridors of the SGC, she’d been recalled on her day off and that intrigued her. She enjoyed working here, liked her team but she missed Atlantis and the friends she’d made there. As she entered the briefing room, Laura stopped in her tracks to find Rodney standing there in a dark suit, which she idly noted looked great on him, sitting in the chair beside where he stood was a pale faced Alisa, clad in a black dress and suit jacket her hair pulled back in a tight ponytail.
“Rodney?” Laura asked as she slowly stepped further into the room. She could see Landry in his office through the window but the room was empty with the exception of her, father and daughter.
“Rodney, what’s wrong?” Laura felts her stomach fill with lead as she reached him, “What’s happened?”
“There was an accident,” Rodney started, his voice was soft in a way she’d never heard before as Alisa stood and moved to his side in silence, “Carson...he was...he....”
Laura’s hands covered her mouth as she gasped in horror, “Oh God, no.”
“Laura,” Rodney breathed, he wrapped his arms around her holding her as she started to cry.
Rodney could feel his daughter’s presence just at his side and reached out pulling her into the embrace. Holding the two women in his arms Rodney allowed his own tears to slip along his cheeks.
*********************************************
Laura instantly received permission from Landry to accompany them, she’d returned home to change into something more appropriate for a funeral before rejoining the sad group. Heading to the plane she walked with Alisa, her arm resting around the teenager’s shoulders as they followed the six pallbearers who refused to let anyone else carry their friend.
Alisa was relieved to have Laura there, she knew it had been completely irrational but she’d hated the thought that someone who didn’t know Carson would tell Laura what had happened. Once the coffin had been secured onto the plane, they all headed to take their seats and Alisa stopped in surprise at who was standing waiting for them.
“JD,” she breathed in astonishment, “What are you doing here?”
He shrugged slightly, “I’m your bodyguard while you’re on Earth, remember. And I thought you might need a friend for this.”
Alisa sniffed and hugged him whispering, “Thank you.”
JD glanced at Rodney who just looked at him blankly, “Let’s get our seats.”
Alisa sat beside her bodyguard; Rodney took the seat beside Laura while John, Ronon, Lorne and Dr Cole spread out across the rest of plane. There’d been very little conversation since they’d left Atlantis and the silence seemed to drown out the sound of the engines as they started towards their friend’s final resting place.
Laura was dozing by the time they were an hour into the flight. Rodney watched her for a few moments; he understood his daughter’s need for him to tell Laura personally about what had happened. Laura was an important person in Alisa’s life; if he was being honest Rodney would admit she was also important to him. Laura Cadman gave him someone he could trust to look out for Alisa, someone he could talk to if he wasn’t able to help his daughter.
Careful not to wake Laura Rodney slid out his seat to take a quick walk; Alisa was sleeping her head pillowed by JD’s shoulder. The younger version of O’Neill was reading, he glanced up at Rodney and nodded letting him know Alisa was alright for just now. Rodney nodded back and continued on, heading for the small alcove just beside the toilets so he could be alone for a while. He glanced at the other four as he passed them; each of them was either sleeping or staring blankly as they sat.
Finally alone and not having to keep himself together for the sake of his daughter, Rodney collapsed onto the seat normally used by an air steward. His friend was gone, his friend was gone because he’d broken a promise and Rodney wanted to scream at the universe. Alisa was devastated, he’d seen it in her eyes as they all realised what had happened. None of them had been able to breathe as the reality that Carson had been killed sank in. Alisa had been inconsolable that night before she seemed to shut down, she’d been his silent shadow for the last few days barely speaking just staring into space.
“Rodney?”
The gentle voice made his look up to where Laura stood looking down at him; she reached out and brushed the tears from his cheeks. Without a word Laura wrapped her arms around Rodney drawing him into a comforting embrace. They stayed in the wordless hug for several minutes before Rodney pulled away from her.
Laura waited for a sarcastic comment but none came, instead he simply gave her a sad smile and placed his hand on her back to guide her back to their seats.
*********************************************
Alisa was surprised by how warm it was when she stepped off the plane but it occurred to her finally that it was actually summer. She wondered how she’d missed this fact back in Colorado but her musing was interrupted as they were met by their ride.
JD and Laura sat in the back seat with her but Alisa simply stared out the window watching the few clouds in the clear blue sky, she remembered Carson talk about how grey and rainy his home country was a lot of the time but for some reason when they were burying him the weather was beautiful.
Carson’s mother was wonderful, greeting each of them as an old friend when they arrived at the house. Alisa, usually good with names, couldn’t remember who was who out of Carson’s siblings despite having seen pictures and heard a lot of stories about all of them.
“Alisa?”
Confused at who was talking to her Alisa turned to find Carson’s mother looking at her concerned.
“I’m sorry?” Alisa said, she’d been lost in her thoughts.
“I asked if you were hungry, dear,” Carson’s mother, Emily as she insisted they call her said softly.
“No,” Alisa shook her head, “Thanks though.”
Emily gently rubbed her shoulder, “Okay, dear.”
Alisa watched Emily as she left, they’d come back to the Beckett family home after placing Carson’s body in the church. Alisa didn’t really understand the ceremony; she didn’t really care either because she wanted this to be a bad dream, a nightmare that she would wake up from soon. Her father and John were talking with Carson’s brothers; Laura and Dr Cole were with a few other members of the family as were the others of the party from the SGC but Alisa didn’t feel like talking to anyone.
JD rested his hand on her shoulder, “Hey, let’s go for a walk.”
Alisa turned to him and after a few seconds nodded slowly. JD rested his arm around her and drew her towards the door. Alisa glanced at her father who nodded he knew she was going out.
“It’s nice here,” JD said as they walked along the streets, not really paying attention to where they were going but just walking to get away from the sadness permeating the house.
“Carson loved it here,” Alisa sighed, shivering despite how warm it was, “He told me no matter where he went in the universe his home would always be the place he found the most beautiful.”
JD nodded, “You know it’s a good thing to be sad.”
“I’m not sad,” she replied coldly, “I’m angry.”
JD wisely said nothing, waiting for her to speak again. Finally Alisa snapped,
“Damn Ancie...” she trailed off knowing she should say anything classified out in the street, “They created all these things and didn’t think to put some kind of warning on them. I mean...they had to have realised that people would come back to the city and find all the crap they abandoned. They really were superior self-important asses.”
JD rested his arm around her drawing Alisa into a comforting hug, “I wish I could say something, Alisa that would make you feel better but...”
Dropping her head against his chest Alisa sighed, “I know. We should get back before Dad starts to wonder where I am.”
Together they started wandering back slowly to the Beckett family home neither saying a word as they walked.
*********************************************
The church was filled with people the next day, Alisa stood with the Atlantis team along with JD and Laura not really noticing anyone else. The service was actually quite beautiful, the focus was on Carson’s life and the fact he was doing what he loved. As they listened to how Carson had died saving the life of another Alisa gripped her father’s hand squeezing her eyes shut to try and stop the tears flowing again. At the end of the service John, Rodney and Ronon stepped forward to take their places once more, the other three had relinquished their positions to Carson’s brothers.
Standing at the graveside Alisa wondered why she didn’t remember her grandparents’ funeral; she remembered the day they died so clearly but not the funeral service or the grave. Carson’s mother, siblings and extended family were gathered together at one side, Alisa wondered if they were thinking the same as every member of the city of Atlantis – why Carson?
Laura stood in one corner of the dining room with a drink in her hand; there was a lot of laughter throughout the house as Carson’s family told stories about him. After a while John and Lorne got involved but Laura couldn’t bring herself to join in. She looked around and saw Rodney sitting alone staring into space; Alisa was talking with one of Carson’s nieces with JD her silent shadow. The others from Atlantis were dotted around the house, Ronon of all people was helping Carson’s mother put out food.
Slowly Laura made her way to where Rodney sat sitting at his side and resting her hand on his shoulder, “You okay?”
Rodney shook his head sadly; Laura took the glass from him and set it down with hers on the table before taking his hand and pulling him to a stand.
“Cadman?”
“We’re going for a walk,” she told him as she moved them through the people and out into the sunshine.
Rodney didn’t protest as they walked, in fact it took them both about ten minutes to realise Laura hadn’t let go of his hand.
“So,” Laura said softly as she folded her arms across her chest, “Are you going to tell me?”
“Tell you what?” Rodney demanded without any of his usual bite.
Laura frowned at him, “Why you’re feeling so guilty?”
“Cadman...”
“Hey,” she stopped him, “Look at me. I know you, Rodney. I know that mind of yours better than anyone,” she smiled slightly, “I was a resident in it remember?”
Rodney sighed, “We were supposed to be going fishing. I agreed because I wanted him to shut up and go away. I made an excuse to get out of it, if I hadn’t we would have been on the mainland, safe and he wouldn’t be...”
“Hey,” Laura stopped them walking and made him turn to her, “This wasn’t your fault, okay. It was an accident, a horrible, stupid accident and there was no way you could have known.”
Rodney moved and hugged her tightly, relieved she was with them.
“So,” Laura looped her arm through his and started them walking again, “I hear you’re seeing Katie again.”
“It’s easier without you constantly yapping away in my head,” Rodney told her, a slight teasing smile on his face before he frowned, “Alisa doesn’t like her.”
Laura wrinkled her nose, “That’s odd. Why not?”
“Says she’s too nice.”
Laura’s laughter echoed behind them as they continued walking.
Alisa walked upstairs to find another case of soda for Carson’s sister Melissa frowning as she heard someone crying. Curiosity got the better of Alisa and she gently pushed open the door to find Emily Beckett sitting on the bed hugging a teddy bear to her.
“Emily?” Alisa stepped inside.
The old woman looked up and wiped her eyes, “I didn’t see you there, dear. Are you looking for something?”
“Melissa sent me up to find more soda,” Alisa told her before moving to her side as Emily motioned Alisa to sit with her.
“Carson talked about you a great deal in his letters,” Emily said, a sad smile on her face, “He thought the world of you.”
Alisa gave a small smile, “He was the best. When we first got to...the base I spent a lot of time helping him as I tried to dodge doing any school work. Carson told me stories of growing up with so many siblings and the stupid things they used to do to each other. I’m an only child and it gave me an insight in to why that’s a good thing.”
Emily chuckled before taking a deep breath, “Let’s get this stuff downstairs.”
*********************************************
Jeannie found the hotel room and knocked.
“Hey,” John greeted her as he opened the door, “Come on in.”
Confused Jeannie entered the room finding the group sitting in a circle on the floor with a lot of alcohol around them. She shook her head as they turned and looked at her.
“Jeannie,” her brother jumped off the ground and moved to hug her, “Glad you could join us.”
At his slightly slurred voice Jeannie frowned at him, “How much have you drank, Mer?”
“Not nearly enough,” he replied, motioning her to where they all sat.
“Hey,” Alisa moved to her aunt and hugged her, “Good to see you.”
“You too, Lissa,” Jeannie smiled, smoothing her nieces hair back, “Now, can someone tell me what’s going on?”
John pressed a glass of red wine into her hand, “It’s a wake, a proper one for Carson now the only people here are those who know about Atlantis.”
“What?” Jeanie gasped, “Carson’s dead?” she’d only met the Atlantis doctor briefly during her time on Atlantis but knew how close he was to her brother and niece. At the sombre looks she received back Jeannie took a seat between Laura and John.
Rodney took another swig of his beer as he listened to Ronon tell a story about Carson telling him off when he was injured. After the funeral, they’d made their goodbyes and caught the plane back. Lorne and Cole had decided to go visit their family before they headed back to Atlantis so when Rodney suggested he and Alisa take the time to go see Jeannie the others had tagged along. Rather than invade her house they’d booked a few rooms at a nearby hotel and called her to visit them. He wasn’t sure how it happened but somehow sitting around in the room with a few drinks had turned into them sprawled in a large circle sharing their favourite stories of Carson. Both JD and Laura had stuck around, Laura for the comfort and JD to be there for Alisa.
“What about the time we got locked in the room with the stink weeds?” John chuckled, other than Alisa – who wasn’t allowed to drink, Jeannie – who’d just arrived and JD who was taking his duties as bodyguard seriously, John was the most sober of the group.
Radek laughed and started telling those who had missed the event the story, Rodney sighed as he realised this was all they really had left of their friend.
Jeannie re-entered the room after walking Alisa to hers; she smiled to herself as she saw Ronon and Radek were both fast asleep in separate corners, soft snores coming from them. On the bed, cuddled up together were her brother and Laura Cadman.
“You’d think they were actually a couple,” John said as he came up beside her.
Jeannie chuckled, “What’s this Katie he’s actually seeing like?”
“She’s nice,” John shrugged, “Alisa says too nice but honestly she’s not someone I’ve really spent time with.”
“I should go,” Jeannie told him, “Tell Mer to call me before you leave,” she turned and gave John a quick hug before kissing his cheek, “Take care of them.”
He nodded, “Don’t worry about it.”
Jeannie reached out and rested her hand on his shoulder, “Take care of yourself too, John.”
John winked at her as she left sighing when he was left alone, well the only person still awake. He grabbed the spare blankets from the cupboard, draping them over Ronon and Radek before he pulled the covers over Rodney and Laura – he couldn’t wait to see what would happen tomorrow when they realised how they’d slept. Sure his people were secure for the night John slipped out of the room and headed to his own.
Lying face down on the bed John grieved for his friend and for the loss they would only really understand in the coming days.
*********************************************
Rodney stood on the end of the west pier staring out across the calm ocean. They’d been back on Atlantis less than a day and already it felt different. It didn’t help he’d woken up with an enormous hangover before the Jumper ride. They made their goodbyes to Laura and JD; Laura kept giving him strange amused looks as they talked while Alisa seemed to be having an intense discussion with her bodyguard.
“How’d it go back on Earth?” Carson asked as he stood beside Rodney looking out at the horizon too.
Rodney gave a soft smile, “It was...it was awful,” he looked round at his friend, “Your family was amazing, though.”
“Aye, they are,” Carson nodded looking interested, “Good turnout?”
Rodney turned back to the horizon, “Oh, packed the church.”
“That’s good to hear,” Carson noted.
Rodney sighed, forcing back the tears that threatened him, “It’s not gonna be the same round here without you.”
“Ye’re tellin’ me.”
“You know,” Rodney said, swallowing hard, “The universe is a big place,” he turned to his friend once more, “Who knows, maybe we’ll bump into each other again.”
“Aye, who knows?”
Rodney looked away again, forcing back the tears that were threatening to spill over, “You were the closest thing to a best friend I ever had. I’m really, really sorry. I should have just...”
“Hey,” Carson soothed, “This isn’t your fault.”
Rodney snorted slightly, “You’re just telling me what I wanna hear.”
“Well, that’s what best friends do sometimes,” Carson told him, “And in this case it also happens to be true. Take care of yourself, Rodney and take care of that daughter of yours.”
“Goodbye, Carson,” Rodney whispered, raising his hand in a wave.
Carson smiled at him before he disappeared from sight and Rodney stood on the pier alone again but not for long.
“Dad?”
Rodney turned to find his daughter looking worriedly at him; he reached out his arm and drew his daughter to his side thinking about his friend not knowing that his daughter was contemplating something altogether different but possibly just as upsetting to Rodney.
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Winner of the Atlantis challenge for the December 2007 fic challenge contest.
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