Chapter One: Knock, Knock

`Knock, Knock' someone or something had been knocking on Jack's front door for the past two minutes.

"You hew," a strange, girlish voice called.

"I'm coming! For cryin' out loud," Jack yelled as he looked at his watch, it read 0600 hours. He rubbed his hand over his face to help wake him up as he quickly strolled down the hallway towards his front door. He could hear several voices from the other side of the door.

"Jack!" A blonde tanned man said as soon as Jack had opened the front door. He kissed Jack on both cheeks making a loud `Mwah, Mwah' noise before he let himself into Jack's house.

"Hey Jack!" Four other men also greeted him as they too let themselves into Jack's house.

"Hi I'm Cameron Spencer," The last man said holding out his hand towards Jack. Jack briefly shook the man's hand with pure utter confusion.

"I'm sorry, did I miss something?" Jack asked.

"It's the Fab Five! I know we're a little early, but they are very persistent and after they read your file... well they knew it would take longer than normal," Cameron said as he let himself into Jack's house.

"Sorry but who are you?" Jack asked as Cameron aimed the large camera at him and started recording.

"Oh sorry, how rude of us not to introduce ourselves! I'm Carson Kressley, Fashion." Carson said introducing himself.

"I'm Kyan Douglas, Grooming."

"I'm Ted Allen, Food."

"I'm Thom Filicia, Interior Design."

"And I'm Jai Rodriguez, Culture. How are you?"

"Confused," Jack replied, "why are you here?"

"You were nominated by a Daniel Jackson to have a Fab Five makeover silly!" Carson said energetically stepping forward and playfully slapping Jack across the chest.

"Really, Daniel ey?" Jack replied.

"Yes, he sounded very forthcoming," Ted said before he strolled off in search of Jack's kitchen.

"I bet he did," Jack's eyes followed Kyan as he walked over and started dragging his fingers through Jack's hair.

"Let's get to work boys!" Carson yelled, as he clapped his hands in the air.

All the men walked off to their designated sections. Ted had found the kitchen and was currently going through Jack's fridge and cupboards. Kyan had vanished to Jack's bathroom and was poking through his hair and body products, of which Jack only had a few. Meanwhile Jai and Thom had discovered Jack's DVD collection in the lounge room and were ransacking that. Carson had decided that he got first dibs on Jack.

"So is this what you sleep in?" Carson asked as he stood back and viewed Jack. His hair was tousled and poking up in all different directions. He was wearing black satin boxer shorts with a picture of Homer Simpson's head; a large speech bubble contained the word `Doh' on them. He was also wearing an obviously old grey air force t-shirt with the sleaves folded up a few inches.

"What's wrong with this?" Jack asked.

"Oh nothing if you were a lonely, single man without any sexual or romantic relations," Carson replied honestly as he placed his fists on his hips.

Carson was sporting a pale pink button up shirt with the top two buttons undone. He had on black dress pants and had his hair brushed and spiked.

"Well I am a lonely single man without any sexual or romantic relations," Jack admitted, but it only really sank in what he had said after he had actually said it.

"Well with some help from us this Samantha won't be able to resist you!" Carson replied as he opened up Jack's file to find the woman's name, `Samantha', who they were going to help Jack obtain.

"Wa-ho-Who told you that?" Jack said sounding surprised when he had mentioned Sam.

"Daniel, he gave us all this information about you." Carson said as he waved the folder in front of Jack's face.

"Gimme that!" Jack said as he pulled the file from Carson's grasp.

Jack opened the file and read:

Subject: Jonathan `Jack' O'Neill Age: Undisclosed Occupation: Colonel in United States Air force, Studies Deep Space Radar Telemetry Marital Status: Divorced, single Likes: The Simpson's, Playstation, Yo-Yo's, Women, Dogs, Sleeping, Fishing, Eating, Children, TV, Beer, Astronomy, Sam Dislikes: Scientists, Following Orders

Subjects Romantic Interest: Age: Undisclosed Occupation: Major in United States Air force, Studies deep space radar telemetry Marital Status: Single Likes: Astronomy, Blue Jell-O, Working, Reading, Movies, Coffee, Her Motorcycle Dislikes: N/A

Jack closed the folder with a snap. He was shocked that Daniel had actually given the men all of this personal information.

"Before you come up with your excuse of it being "against regulation", I'll let you know that five certain gay men gave the president a phone call asking for a Major and her C.O. to be excluded from some regulations. Mainly those centered around fraternization," Carson replied.

"Really?" Jack said shocked but also thinking `Sweet!' a split second after.

"Yes, now let's go check out your wardrobe!" Carson started to push Jack off in the direction of his bedroom.

They both reached Jack's wardrobe where Carson began to pull out all of Jack's clothes. He looked at everything he pulled out before discarding it on the floor or onto Jack's bed.

"I hope your going to put those back."

"Oh Jack," Kyan yelled from the bathroom. "Can I see you for a minute?"

"You better go, he gets very antsy," Carson said, before turning his attention back to Jack's wardrobe.

"Yeah," Jack said leaning on the bathroom door.

"When was the last time you cleaned?" he asked.

"Well it being 2004, hmm I would have to say 1999," Jack replied.

"Oh Jack," Kyan sighed. "We're going to have to get you some product."

"Sure, product is good," Jack replied having no idea as to what exactly `product' was.

"Well, I know Jai probably wants to see you now., Kyan said.

"Sure, uh, where is he?" Jack couldn't remember which of the five men Jai was.

"Lounge," Kyan answered, before turning his attention back to Jack's bathroom cupboard.

"Hey Jack!" Jai said, as he saw Jack enter the lounge room.

"Err..." Jack stuttered as he walked in seeing his lounge room was a mess.

"Don't say anything," Jai interrupted Jack as he saw the look upon his face.

"Look at me!" Carson yelled as he came waltzing down the hallway in, none other than, Jack's Air Force dress blues. He pulled out the matching hat which he held behind his back and placed it upon his head slanting it slightly.

"Gorgeous," Thom said as he poked his head up from behind the coffee table to take a look at Carson.

"Hey!" Jack said in a warning tone as he pointed a finger at him.

"Settle down Jackie, I won't damage it," Carson said as he took the jacket off and slung it over his shoulder.

"Anyways, tell me about Samantha Carter," Jai said as he opened up his folder to check whether he had gotten Sam's name correct.

"You've got one of them too?" Jack said as soon as he saw the folder.

"We all have one! Now stop avoiding the subject, tell me everything you know about Samantha Carter. I understand she's in the air force too."

"Well Carter is... Carter," Jack answered as he rubbed the back of his neck, all of a sudden it seemed to have gotten hotter.

"Hmm, Daniel said you would be like this."

"Like what?" Jack asked confused. Oh how Daniel would pay for this.

"Like this," he said waving his hands around Jack, "you won't open up, you won't say much. So what does Samantha like?" Jai asked hoping this time by attacking Jack's ego he might actually say something.

"Well for starters she prefers to be called Sam."

"That's a start."

"She likes blue Jell-O, she `loves' her job," Jack said enforcing the `loves' part.

"Mhmm, so do you do anything together, like outside of work?" Jai asked.

"Do team nights count?" Jack asked hopefully.

"Ah no. Here I want you to call her and invite her over for dinner tonight," Jai said holding up the cordless phone for Jack.

Jack took the phone out of Jai's hand and went to push speed-dial 1 as he had programmed into the phone.

"Ah before you do," Jai said taking the phone out of Jack's hand. "Practice on me what you are going to say to her."

"Well I was gonna ask her to come round for a beer."

"So this is the O'Neill charm Daniel was talking about."

"O'Neill charm ey?" Jack replied smugly.

"Ok, I want you to sound casual, ask her how she's doing first, and then ask her over. Not for a beer, say `dinner' got it?" It was as though Jai was introducing Jack to the word dinner for the first time.

"Ok dinner not beer, got it." Jack said as he tried to sound confident.

Jack pushed speed-dial 1 and held the phone to his ear.

"It's ringing..." Jack said as he pointed to the phone with his other hand.

"Well that's a start," Jai replied.

"Carter," Sam answered into the phone.

"Hey Carter," Jack said nervously.

"Hi sir."

"How are you?" Jack asked looking at Jai who gave him two thumbs up.

"Uh good sir, how about yourself?" Sam replied.

"Yeah, I'm," Jack looked around, "good" he finally answered.

"Sooo, was there a reason as to why you called?" Sam never received calls from Jack unless there was something wrong on base or if he wanted something fixed.

"Sooo, whatcha doin?" Jack asked avoiding her question.

"Actually nothing sir," Sam replied.

"Good. I was wondering if you'd like to come over for dinner tonight," Jack asked sending Jai a questioning look.

"Dinner?" Sam was both shocked and confused.

"Yes dinner Carter, it comes after lunch." Jai sent Jack a warning look.

"I know sir, um what time?"

Jack covered the speaker end of the phone, "What time?" he mouthed to Jai who quickly thought of a time.

"7:30," Jai replied.

"How about 1930 hours?" Jack said into the phone as he pulled his hand away.

"Sure, sounds great," Sam replied then looked at her watch.

"Oh," Jai said as he grabbed the phone out of Jack's grasp. "Hi Samantha, make sure you dress up tonight," Jai said before handing Jack back the phone.

"Hello?" Sam said confusedly.

"Yes Carter, well I'll see you tonight," Jack replied.

"See you then..." Sam answered before hanging up.

"Well, that went well," Jack replied sarcastically as he pushed a button on the phone and handed it back to Jai.

"She accepted, that's a start!" Jai replied.

"For now."

"Well I'm sure Ted want to see you now," Jai told Jack.

Jack pointed in several directions no knowing where Ted actually was.

"Kitchen," Jai simply replied as he chuckled to himself.

"Thanks," Jack said before strolling off to the kitchen.

Jack entered the kitchen and saw half a body poking out of the fridge.

"Ted?"

"Jack," Ted pulled his head out of the fridge and hit it on the edge.

"Why are you in my fridge?" Jack asked curiously.

"Looking to see if you actually owned any food," Ted replied.

The kitchen bench was full of mainly beer, however there were a few food items. None of them edible mind you, but they were still food items.

"This is what I pried from your fridge," Ted said as he waved his hand over the kitchen bench.

"Yes," Jack said as he picked up a beer and opened it.

"So what do you usually eat for dinner?" Ted asked as he watched Jack take a swig of his beer, apparently it wasn't too early to be drinking.

"Beer," Jack replied.

"Ok, what do you serve your guests for dinner?" Ted asked hopefully. (takeout I imagine he has a large pile of takeout menus)

"Beer," Jack answered again.

"Do you cook anything?"

"Uh," Jack thought for a while, "I cook my famous omelette."

"And what does that contain?" Ted asked

"Beer," Jack replied casually.

"Why am I not surprised?" Ted replied, "Well I think I'll get you to cook maybe some lamb cutlets and for dessert maybe some chocolate ice-cream with blue Jell-O."

"Sounds great, but what do you me by `get me to cook?'" Jack replied.

Ted chuckled, "It's ok, and it's pretty simple. I will show you how and then you can cook it tonight for Samantha."

"Your gonna show me how, can't I just reheat that?" Jack asked.

"Oh I think I hear Thom, you better go see him before he breaks all your stuff!" Ted stated, he really just wanted Jack away from him. Reheating food made him mad.

"Jack, Jack, Jack." Thom latched onto Jack's arm as he came out of the kitchen, "I see you like space and the universe."

"No, I just have this in my house because it was all free," Jack replied sarcastically.

"Stop it," Thom smacked Jack's chest playfully, all of the men seemed to have a habit of doing that, "Good sense of humour too, I can see why Samantha likes you."

"Her name is Sam and what's this about her liking me?" Jack asked curiously.

"Yes, very much so it seems, now let's start with your DVD collection. Now is this a hobby of yours or what?"

"Ah, no, yes, what can I say, I love my movies." Jack replied somewhat confused as to what Thom had just said about Sam actually liking him.

"Ok and what about your PlayStation games? A hobby too?" Thom asked in which Jack simply smiled.

Thom just looked at him before he led Jack to his bedroom.

"A king single, well we will definitely have to do something about that," Thom replied upon seeing Jack's bed.

"Everyone in the lounge room now, please!" Carson called demandingly so the `please' part really had no effect.

All the men had finally gathered in the middle of the lounge room. Carson was still wearing Jack's air force dress blues, much to Jack's dismay.

"Well we've all spoken to Jack and gathered enough information to get started. You'll be coming with me first, so let's go," Carson said moving towards the front door.

"Can I at least get changed first?" Jack asked finally remembering that he was still in his pyjamas.

"You've got five minutes," Carson replied hastily.

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Authors Notes: Well, did anyone actually like it? Please review! Hopefully I shall have the next chapter up soon, I just have to type it up first LOL, Well happy reviewing, yes I would like you to review! L8ers!

Chapter Two: Fashion with Carson Kressley

"Come on Jack!" Carson yelled as he held open the glass door to the Armand suit store

"But look, it's the new super rod 2000" Jack yelled back. He had his nose to the glass as he admired a fishing rod in the sporting shops window which just happened to be across the road from where Carson was impatiently waiting

"Jack!" Carson yelled as he let go of the door and placed both his hands on his hips

"alright I'm coming" Jack said as he had one last look at the fishing rod before crossing the road and walking over to stand in front of Carson

"Shall we" Carson said as he reopened the door

"We shall" Jack replied as he stepped into the shop closely followed by the cameraman

"Ok, so we're going to pick out an outfit for you to wear on your date tonight"

"It's not a date" Jack replied sharply

"Are you doing something you wouldn't usually do?" Carson asked

"Yeah"

"Are you doing it with someone you care about?"

"Well . . . yeah"

"And are you paying?"

"Yeah" Jack replied

"Well there you have it folks, it's definitely a date" Carson concluded

"It's not a date" Jack mumbled to himself as he followed Carson through the store. Jack could tell that Carson had been there before, many many times before

"Fabian my dear" Carson yelled as he greeted a man/. He had a tape measure around his neck and was wearing what looked like a very expensive suit

"Carson darling" the man replied somewhat girlish as he kissed Carson's cheeks in the same manner Carson had done earlier that morning to Jack, "what can I do for you? And who's the hottie?"

"Ah, this is Jack" Carson replied finally introducing Jack

"Why hello Jack" Fabian said holding his hand out for Jack to accept

"Ah, hi" Jack replied somewhat nervously as he gently shook the mans hand, it was as if he was scared he would break the hand off

"Back of Fabian, he's taken" Carson said somewhat playfully but demandingly

"Well what can I do for you today?" Fabian asked

"We wanted to get Jack some new gorgeous outfits and maybe a suit for his date tonight," Carson answered

"It's not a date" Jack mumbled to himself

"I was thinking maybe something a bit casual but smart" Carson finished

"Mhmm, well we could start with a simple suit" Fabian suggested

"That sounds fabulous" Carson replied excitedly as he clasped his hands together

"Well let's go get you measured up" Fabian said as he placed his hand on Jack's back and led him over to a corner in the back of the shop

Fabian pointed to a spot where he wanted Jack to stand so he could measure him up for his new suit. Jack complied and stood on the designated area where there were several mirrors surrounding him

"Do I look fat?" Jack asked sarcastically as he held a hand to his stomach while observing himself in the mirrors

"Oh, you're so funny" Carson said laughing at hearing Jack's comment

"Well i-woah" Jack said jumping a foot away as he felt Fabians hand run up the inside of his right leg

"Stand still of I'll get the measurements all wrong" Fabian hissed

"He's just measuring you" Carson added, he realised Jack had never been measured for a suit before

"Is that what you call it?" Jack said as he stood back on the spot, "he better be measuring my leg"

Fabian grabbed the tape measure once again and started to measure Jack's inner leg again. Thankfully for Jack the measurements were taken and finished with so they next moved onto the colour

"Dusty grey!"

"Dark navy!"

"Dusty grey!"

"Dark navy!"

"Dusty grey!"

"Dark navy!"

Jack looked at his watch for about the tenth time, the two men had now been arguing for seven minutes and twenty six seconds by Jack's timing

"Which one do you like Jack?" Carson said fiercely throwing his arms in the air

"Ah-" Jack started

"Yeah Jack, which one do you like?" Fabian asked

"Well neither actually" Jack said honestly surprising both of them. It took a lot of courage for Jack to stand up to two annoyed gay men

"What?" both of the gay men exclaimed in unison

"Well dark navy is exactly like the air force dress blues and dusty grey, just the name makes me want to hate it"

"Well what do you like?" Carson asked curious to hear Jack's reply

"Well, I was thinking of maybe, err, black with a gold or possibly grey pinstripe" he replied proudly, Carson and Fabian weren't the one ones who knew what they were talking about, well Jack didn't he just saw the poster in the front window of a man in the suit and had actually liked it

"Yes, I like the gold" Carson said

"No, grey" Fabian argued

"Gold!"

"Grey!"

"Gold!"

"Grey!"

"Ok!" Jack yelled disrupting their bickering, "since I am the one who had to wear them I should get to decide"

"Fine" both men once again said in unison

"I'm gonna have to go with the gold" Jack replied

"Ok, now that's settled, let's go get you a shirt" Carson said once again getting excited

"Oh boy" Jack managed to say before he was whisked away by Carson off towards the shirt section of the store

After a lot of talking, mostly on Carson's behalf, both Jack and Carson had settled on a short blue sleaved button up collar shirt for Jack to wear on his date tonight

"Now, when you're getting ready tonight, I want you to put a white undershirt on with this and leave the top few buttons undone" Carson said as he picked up the blue shirt in a matching pink and red style

"sure, I gotcha" Jack said clearly listening intently to what Carson was saying, although Jack wasn't admitting to anyone that this was a date, he still wanted to do the best he could because Sam deserved the best and nothing less in Jack's eyes

Jack followed Carson around the rest of the store as he picked up clothes, Jack just simply nodded hoping to avoid any confrontation with the man.

"Wow, I think we did good" Carson said as he laid all of the clothes out on the front desk to be paid for, he had purchased enough clothes to clothe a small country

"Before we go, I just want to talk to Fabian" Jack said as his gaze diverted off towards the man at the back of the shop

"Ok," Carson replied, "don't be long we have to get you off to Ted soon"

Jack quickly and quietly walked off towards Fabian

"Well I hate goodbyes Jack" Fabian said tears coming to his eyes

"You've known me for what an hour?" Jack said confused as to why the man was getting so upset, "well before I go I wanted to give you something" Jack said as he took out a piece of paper and quickly wrote something on it

"What is it?" Fabian asked curiously

"It's a friend of mines number, his name is Daniel Jackson, he's a doctor and I bet he would just love to go out with you sometime" Jack said smiling smugly to himself at his handiwork, he then handed Fabian the piece of paper

"Ooh, a doctor" Fabian said excitedly

"Yep, well I've gotta go" Jack said walking back to where Carson was standing

"Let's go," Carson said more to the camera man than to Jack, "we better get you off to Ted now"

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Authors Notes: Well how did everyone like it? Is it what you expected? Well I shall tell you all now the next chapter is entitled Food with Ted Allen so I shall leave the rest up to your imagination, now all I have to do is type it up so if you want it posted soon review me!

Chapter Three: Food with Ted Allen

"Well I was about to start cooking without you," Ted said as he saw Jack enter into the restaurants kitchen.

The kitchen was large and full of just about every single kitchen utensil possibly available. There were only a few chefs in the kitchen all wearing their white uniforms trying to focus on what they were cooking rather than the camera crew.

"Hey, don't let me stop you," Jack replied. Cooking wasn't one of his strong points unless you call grilling on the barbeque cooking.

"I wasn't going to." Ted replied with a small smirk gracing his lips.

"Put that down!" A chef yelled when he saw Jack pick up a chocolate covered strawberry and started moving it towards his mouth.

"You've got like what, a hundred here, can't I just have one?" Jack asked.

"No!" The chef replied quickly before he hit Jack's hand making him drop the strawberry.

"Fine." Jack grumbled, "Ted can we make some of these?"

"Maybe later, first I want to show you how to make the first course."

"Mhmm," Jack replied while still looking at the strawberry.

"Well I was thinking you could start off with a glass of red wine, can you manage that Jack?"

"As long as I don't have to crush the grapes," Jack replied.

"No, not unless you want to," Ted joked.

"No, no, I'll be fine," Jack replied quickly, knowing full well that Ted could make him do anything.

"Ok, and then for dinner I was thinking something easy but elegant like lamb cutlets with a garnish and marinade."

"Sounds good," Jack replied as he clasped his hands together.

Ted then spent the next ten minutes showing and explaining to Jack how to properly cook the lamb cutlets and how to garnish the meal. Much to Ted's surprise Jack didn't do such a bad job overall.

"Can I eat that?" Jack asked pointing to the nearly cooked lamb.

"When it's done I suppose so," Ted replied giving in to Jack.

"Great," Jack said looking at them on the grill.

"Ok, now onto dessert. Chocolate with mars bar, coated in melted white chocolate topped with a strawberry and whipped cream." Ted said clearly knowing he had outdone himself.

"Mmm," Jack simply replied.

"I thought so, well it's simple really." Ted started explaining how to crush the mars bars into the ice-cream, and how Jack would be using whipped cream in a can instead of making his own as it was much easier, and well quite simply Ted knew that Jack's patients would run out entirely with it.

"Can I eat this?" Jack asked as he pointed to the dessert he and Ted had just made.

"I thought you wanted the lamb?" Ted argued.

"Hey, a man can have both can't he?"

"I suppose," Ted replied as he watched Jack pick up the bowl of dessert and start to shovel it into his mouth. "Charming," Ted said aloud upon seeing Jack's animal like behaviour.

"This is good!" Jack managed to say with a mouthful of ice-cream, if anyone actually understood him was a whole other matter entirely.

"I just hope Jai teaches you some manners. Oh you're going to be late for your next appointment," Ted said realising how long they had actually taken.

"Where am I going now?" Jack asked confused as to which of the remaining three gay men had him next.

"I think its Kyan," Ted replied.

"Uh huh," Jack couldn't remember which one Kyan was.

"Well just remember what I told you and you should be fine."

"Ah yeah thanks," Jack said as he was shoved off towards the exit. but not before he grabbed one of the lamb cutlets off of the plate beside Ted.

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Authors Notes: Ok sorry this is a short chapter, I'm not very good when it comes to food unless I am eating it, then I'm a pro. Um next chapter is called Grooming with Kyan Douglas so hopefully that will give you an idea of what is to come. Next chapter hopefully is a lot funnier than this one. Don't know how to make a kitchen or cooking funny sorry but I tried. Thanks once again for all the reviews, greatly appreciated and if you're lucky I might put you in the next chapters review replies. So please review, more reviews the faster I post, THANKS!

Chapter Four: Grooming with Kyan Douglas

"Why are we at a hair and waxing salon?" Jack curiously asked the camera man as he stepped out of the big black SUV that had been taking him from destination to destination for the last few hours. He knew for a fact that his hair was fine and really only needed a trim. As for the waxing part, he didn't want to think about it.

"Ah Jack." Kyan called as he walked out of the salon and towards Jack.

"Hey Ky-an" Jack replied as he pointed his finger at the man closing in on him.

"Well, you have a lot to be done in a short amount of time." Kyan said as he placed a hand over Jack's shoulders and gently guided him into the salon.

"I do?" Jack asked curiously but he was completely confused he glanced over his image quickly in a passing mirror.

"Yes, first I have you scheduled in for a hair cut and style, followed by a nice close shave as I can see Carson didn't give you any time this morning to have one, followed by any waxing I find needs doing. Then all of that will be concluded with a full body massage." Kyan answered as he guided Jack through the salon and placed him into one of the chairs situated in front of a mirror.

"That you find?" Jack asked about the so called hair Kyan was looking forward to ripping off of his body.

"Hi Jack, my name is Kevin and I will be cutting and styling your hair today." a tall, dark and quite handsome man said as he threw a raincoat type jacket over Jack covering his body completely.

"Can I ask what exactly you will be doing to my hair? Your not going to shave it all off or anything like that are you?" Jack asked watching Kevin in the mirror.

"Oh no, just take a little off the sides and maybe spike it a bit here and here, nothing to drastic." Kevin said turning and running his long fingers through Jack's hair

"Oh good then." Jack replied looking down at what he was covered in only now realising that it was covered in tiny little love hearts.

Ten minutes later Kevin spun Jack back around to take in his new appearance in the mirror before him. Jack was stunned and amazed, just a small trim and a tiny amount of gel did so much for him.

`God I'm sexy' Jack thought of his new look while eyeing himself in the mirror.

"So, what do you think?" Kevin asked.

"Yeah, it looks good." Jack replied trying not to sound too up himself.

"I think it looks fabulous." Kyan said from behind Kevin.

"Hmmm, I think I could have done better." Kevin replied not to sure of himself.

"Oh Kevin, it's gorgeous," Kyan answered as he hugged him, "everything you do is gorgeous."

"Oh you're gorgeous." Kevin replied hugging Kyan back.

"Oh god," Jack muttered quietly while rolling his eyes, "their everywhere" he said referring to all the homosexual men he had encountered.

"Well, I'll see you tonight, I have to get Jack over to Fred for his shave and waxing." Kyan replied.

"Ok, I'm cooking tonight so don't forget." Kevin answered before he walked into the back storeroom of the salon to find a broom to sweep up the pool of black and grey hair occupying the floor.

Kyan and Jack started walking over to the far side of the room. The salon was quite large as almost everything was available there, from haircuts to waxing to nail art.

"Sooo, are you and Kevin...?" Jack asked Kyan waving his hands in front of him hoping they explained his words.

"Oh no, we're both single, we're just roommates." Kyan explained.

"Oh, in that case give me a minute." Jack said rushing back over to Kevin.

"Jack, I thought you were supposed to be going with Kyan." Kevin said confused as to why the man was back before him.

"I just wanted to give you this." Jack replied holding out a small white card with something scribbled across it in black ink.

"Daniel?" Kevin asked after he took the card from Jack and had read what was written on it.

"Yes, he's a friend of mine, uh, Kyan just told me that you were single and well, Daniel is, err, like one of you." Jack relied smugly, his plan on an all out attack on Daniel was only just commencing.

"You mean gay."

"Well, if that's how you want to put it."

"So, about Daniel?" Kevin was intrigued.

"Well, you in luck, he's single as well and I just thought the two of you would, err, hit it off. Oh by the way, did I mention he's a doctor?"

"No, no you didn't." Kevin said smiling.

"Well, I better get over to Kyan, don't forget to give him a call ok." Jack said quickly before rushing off to Kyan who was impatiently tapping his foot against the tiled floor and had his arms folded across his chest.

"Sorry, just helping out a friend." Jack replied to kyan's state.

`Heh heh heh, two down three to go' Jack thought to himself as he took a seat where Kyan was directing him too.

The man, or Fred if he remembered correctly, swiftly took hold of Jack's chin and moved it from left to right several times as he carefully and closely examined Jack's lower face.

"Yep, just as I suspected." Fred said aloud.

"What did I do now?" Jack asked.

"It's more what you didn't do." Fred replied before he turned and walked away with Kyan. The two men remained in deep discussion, obviously about Jack as they occasionally turned back around to look at Jack. Jack on the other hand was eyeing himself closely in the mirror beside him trying to figure out what the two men were discussing about him.

"Ok Jack, something else has come up." Kyan replied as he walked back over to Jack closely followed by Fred, both concealing there hands behind their back, each hiding a pair of tweezers.

"What?" Jack asked confused.

"Well, it seems you have some nasal hair that needs to be taken care of." Fred answered stepping up beside Kyan.

"Nasal hair?" Jack asked.

"Yes, it seems you have some growing out of your nose."

"I do not!" Jack replied defensively.

"Actually you do." Kyan answered as he held out a hand mirror for Jack to accept.

After a few minutes of Jack intently looking at his nose he gave up and asked, "Where?"

"Here." Fred answered showing Jack

"I really can't see any." Jack replied after a few more minutes of searching for that mysterious piece of hair which was apparently hanging out the end of his nose

"There" Fred pointed with a pair of tweezes

"Where?" Jack asked for which seemed like the millionth time, his mysterious nose hair still remaining mysterious

"There" Fred said as he pulled out the hair with the tweezers

"Ouch!" Jack squealed at Fred's sudden plucking of his nose hair. Jack's hand immediately shot up to his nose clutching it in pain, "That really hurt!"

"Yeah, you think that hurt, just you wait for the waxing." Kyan replied trying to stifle a laugh

"Oh no, there will be no waxing." Jack replied taking his hands away from his face

"Well, not yet, you still have a few more stray hairs to be taken care of." Fred added as he swiftly pulled out yet another hair from Jack's nose.

"Ouch! You could warn me before you do that."

"What this?" Fred laughed as he plucked another stray hair from Jack's reddening nose.

"Ouch! Yes that." Jack replied as he clutched his nose once again.

"It's ok, that was the last of them." Fred said putting his tweezers away on the tray behind him.

Jack sat there rubbing his nose, he couldn't believe that he had any protruding nose hairs, nor could be believe that the man standing before him had just voluntarily pulled them out. Jack was shocked and scared as to what the men had planned next for him.

"So what now?" Jack asked cautiously.

"Ummm, you need a close shave." Kyan replied looking down at his schedule.

"Hmmm." Jack replied as he ran his left hand over the sides of his face, "I kinda like the stubble look."

"Yeah, but if you will be kissing Samantha then I think she would appreciate it if you did shave." Kyan answered.

"But-" Jack started but was cut off by Kyan.

"-ok, I was told I would probably have to compromise with you. Fine, you don't have to have a shave now but if I give you this new Breville 5000 electric shaver to keep, you have to promise to shave before Samantha comes for your date tonight."

"Yersureyoubetcha." Jack replied, the thought of getting something for free was Jack's idea of this whole situation being worthwhile.

"Ok, I'll be making sure that you do too," Kyan said, "well I guess it's time to call Chantal and chase for our massages."

"Sure, I'll go tell them your both ready." Fred said before he briskfully walked away.

(In not too much time later Fred re-emerged with two other people. One was a tall, tanned and obviously gay man, the other a young blonde short woman who remarkably resembled Sam which surprised Jack immensely.

"Jack, this is Chase and Chantal," Kyan started, "should we begin?"

"Of course, this way" Chantal said as chase and herself quickly led the way to a back private room.

"Oh please tell me that I get Chantal." Jack said leaning over towards Kyan so he was the only one n the room who could hear.

Kyan laughed, "Yes, you get Chantal."

"Good, great." Jack replied as he walked off into the room.

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"Ahhh." Jack moaned as Chantal started massaging on his lover back.

"Easy boy." Kyan called out as he heard Jack moan.

Jack and Kyan had stripped down to their birthday suits and were lying face down on a long white massage table. The only things covering their naked asses were two fluffy white towels that had kindly been provided for them.

"So Jack, tell me a little about Sam." Kyan asked with his head placed firmly in the head hole.

"What is there to tell, Sam's, well Sam is Sam." Jack replied, his head also firmly in the head hole.

"Would you care to elaborate?"

"Well Sam, Sam would have to be one of my best friends." Jack started, his tone dropping to a soft, calm and collected one, very different from his usual one, "She's sweet, beautiful, smart, brave and strong. In other words, she's the complete opposite to me."

"Ah yes, but opposites attract." Kyan said as he picked up his head and looked towards Jack.

"Yeah are you sure the president has ok'ed all this?" Jack asked as he too looked up at Kyan his usual tone reappearing and his dreamy look disappearing from his eyes.

"Yes Jack, would you like to ask him yourself?"

"Actually I wouldn't mind asking him myself." Jack replied smugly.

"Sure, Chase, would you mind getting the President on the phone, tell him its Kyan calling." Kyan ordered before chase swiftly exited the room in search for a phone.

Jack lay there looking at Kyan both shocked and amazed while Chantal kept massaging his back. He couldn't believe that Kyan could get the president on the phone with a snap of his fingers or in this case by asking his masseuse.

"How . . .?" Jack asked curiously.

"Let's just say, we helped him out a few times so he owes us one." Kyan laughed.

Minutes later chase re-emerged holding a white cordless phone to his chest.

"Ah Mr President, are you styling your hair the way I showed you? . . . excellent, remember you only need a small amount. . . yes. . . she does, that's great. . . yep. . . you could but I wouldn't recommend it. . . yes. . . ok. . . well I have someone here who would like to talk to you. . . Colonel Jack O'Neill" kyan's conversation soon came to an end when he held the phone out for Jack to accept.

"Mr President sir. . . yes sir. . . peachy as always sir. . . Major Carter is also good. . . yes the regulations sir. . . really. . . all of them. . . well that's great sir. . . why thankyou sir. . . yes sir, goodbye Mr President" Jack hung up the phone and handed it back to Kyan, a large smile spread across his face.

"Happy now Jack?" Kyan asked.

"Yersureyoubetcha!" Jack replied happily.

"So Chantal, does Jack have any back hair that needs discarding?" Kyan asked Chantal who had made her way down to Jack's calves and were currently massaging them.

"Whoa" Jack interjected.

"Actually Kyan, Jack's back is fine, I wouldn't mind my boyfriend having a body like Jack's."

"Why thank you ma'am." Jack turned to look at Chantal but quickly realised if he did he would expose himself to everybody in the room, so Jack decided to stay right where he was.

"Well I'm sorry to disappoint you Jack, but you really should be going to see Jai." Kyan said lying back down on the table for chase to finish his massage.

"Cant I stay here just a few more minutes?" Jack asked as he too lay back down on his table so Chantal could use her magic fingers to there full potential.

"I suppose, but don't tell Jai that I let you ok." Kyan answered.

"Sure thing, little secret. " Jack replied as he closed his eyes to bask in the sensations.

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Authors Notes: Well I hope everyone liked this chapter, grooming of the male kind is not my forte so I asked my brother what he does and he just gave me a weird look, so I asked the guy next to me on the plane, and thankfully he told me a lot. Even went into great detail and I had only known him what? Twenty minutes, but that's just so great that I can talk to anyone about anything! Well the next chapter is called `Culture with Jai Rodriguez' so that should give you an idea of what is to come, and I must say that the chapter will not disappoint with length!