Queer Eye For Jack's Eye by SuSiE_SG1
Summary: Jack gets an unexpected knock on his front door early one morning.
Categories: Jack/Sam Characters: None
Episode Related: None
Genres: Humor, Romance
Holiday: None
Season: Any Season
Warnings: None
Crossovers: other (not listed)
Series: None
Chapters: 4 Completed: No Word count: 6945 Read: 28771 Published: 2005.12.14 Updated: 2005.12.14
Queer Eye For Jack's Eye by SuSiE_SG1

Chapter One: Knock, Knock

`Knock, Knock' someone or something had been knocking on Jack's front door for the past two minutes.

"You hew," a strange, girlish voice called.

"I'm coming! For cryin' out loud," Jack yelled as he looked at his watch, it read 0600 hours. He rubbed his hand over his face to help wake him up as he quickly strolled down the hallway towards his front door. He could hear several voices from the other side of the door.

"Jack!" A blonde tanned man said as soon as Jack had opened the front door. He kissed Jack on both cheeks making a loud `Mwah, Mwah' noise before he let himself into Jack's house.

"Hey Jack!" Four other men also greeted him as they too let themselves into Jack's house.

"Hi I'm Cameron Spencer," The last man said holding out his hand towards Jack. Jack briefly shook the man's hand with pure utter confusion.

"I'm sorry, did I miss something?" Jack asked.

"It's the Fab Five! I know we're a little early, but they are very persistent and after they read your file... well they knew it would take longer than normal," Cameron said as he let himself into Jack's house.

"Sorry but who are you?" Jack asked as Cameron aimed the large camera at him and started recording.

"Oh sorry, how rude of us not to introduce ourselves! I'm Carson Kressley, Fashion." Carson said introducing himself.

"I'm Kyan Douglas, Grooming."

"I'm Ted Allen, Food."

"I'm Thom Filicia, Interior Design."

"And I'm Jai Rodriguez, Culture. How are you?"

"Confused," Jack replied, "why are you here?"

"You were nominated by a Daniel Jackson to have a Fab Five makeover silly!" Carson said energetically stepping forward and playfully slapping Jack across the chest.

"Really, Daniel ey?" Jack replied.

"Yes, he sounded very forthcoming," Ted said before he strolled off in search of Jack's kitchen.

"I bet he did," Jack's eyes followed Kyan as he walked over and started dragging his fingers through Jack's hair.

"Let's get to work boys!" Carson yelled, as he clapped his hands in the air.

All the men walked off to their designated sections. Ted had found the kitchen and was currently going through Jack's fridge and cupboards. Kyan had vanished to Jack's bathroom and was poking through his hair and body products, of which Jack only had a few. Meanwhile Jai and Thom had discovered Jack's DVD collection in the lounge room and were ransacking that. Carson had decided that he got first dibs on Jack.

"So is this what you sleep in?" Carson asked as he stood back and viewed Jack. His hair was tousled and poking up in all different directions. He was wearing black satin boxer shorts with a picture of Homer Simpson's head; a large speech bubble contained the word `Doh' on them. He was also wearing an obviously old grey air force t-shirt with the sleaves folded up a few inches.

"What's wrong with this?" Jack asked.

"Oh nothing if you were a lonely, single man without any sexual or romantic relations," Carson replied honestly as he placed his fists on his hips.

Carson was sporting a pale pink button up shirt with the top two buttons undone. He had on black dress pants and had his hair brushed and spiked.

"Well I am a lonely single man without any sexual or romantic relations," Jack admitted, but it only really sank in what he had said after he had actually said it.

"Well with some help from us this Samantha won't be able to resist you!" Carson replied as he opened up Jack's file to find the woman's name, `Samantha', who they were going to help Jack obtain.

"Wa-ho-Who told you that?" Jack said sounding surprised when he had mentioned Sam.

"Daniel, he gave us all this information about you." Carson said as he waved the folder in front of Jack's face.

"Gimme that!" Jack said as he pulled the file from Carson's grasp.

Jack opened the file and read:

Subject: Jonathan `Jack' O'Neill Age: Undisclosed Occupation: Colonel in United States Air force, Studies Deep Space Radar Telemetry Marital Status: Divorced, single Likes: The Simpson's, Playstation, Yo-Yo's, Women, Dogs, Sleeping, Fishing, Eating, Children, TV, Beer, Astronomy, Sam Dislikes: Scientists, Following Orders

Subjects Romantic Interest: Age: Undisclosed Occupation: Major in United States Air force, Studies deep space radar telemetry Marital Status: Single Likes: Astronomy, Blue Jell-O, Working, Reading, Movies, Coffee, Her Motorcycle Dislikes: N/A

Jack closed the folder with a snap. He was shocked that Daniel had actually given the men all of this personal information.

"Before you come up with your excuse of it being "against regulation", I'll let you know that five certain gay men gave the president a phone call asking for a Major and her C.O. to be excluded from some regulations. Mainly those centered around fraternization," Carson replied.

"Really?" Jack said shocked but also thinking `Sweet!' a split second after.

"Yes, now let's go check out your wardrobe!" Carson started to push Jack off in the direction of his bedroom.

They both reached Jack's wardrobe where Carson began to pull out all of Jack's clothes. He looked at everything he pulled out before discarding it on the floor or onto Jack's bed.

"I hope your going to put those back."

"Oh Jack," Kyan yelled from the bathroom. "Can I see you for a minute?"

"You better go, he gets very antsy," Carson said, before turning his attention back to Jack's wardrobe.

"Yeah," Jack said leaning on the bathroom door.

"When was the last time you cleaned?" he asked.

"Well it being 2004, hmm I would have to say 1999," Jack replied.

"Oh Jack," Kyan sighed. "We're going to have to get you some product."

"Sure, product is good," Jack replied having no idea as to what exactly `product' was.

"Well, I know Jai probably wants to see you now., Kyan said.

"Sure, uh, where is he?" Jack couldn't remember which of the five men Jai was.

"Lounge," Kyan answered, before turning his attention back to Jack's bathroom cupboard.

"Hey Jack!" Jai said, as he saw Jack enter the lounge room.

"Err..." Jack stuttered as he walked in seeing his lounge room was a mess.

"Don't say anything," Jai interrupted Jack as he saw the look upon his face.

"Look at me!" Carson yelled as he came waltzing down the hallway in, none other than, Jack's Air Force dress blues. He pulled out the matching hat which he held behind his back and placed it upon his head slanting it slightly.

"Gorgeous," Thom said as he poked his head up from behind the coffee table to take a look at Carson.

"Hey!" Jack said in a warning tone as he pointed a finger at him.

"Settle down Jackie, I won't damage it," Carson said as he took the jacket off and slung it over his shoulder.

"Anyways, tell me about Samantha Carter," Jai said as he opened up his folder to check whether he had gotten Sam's name correct.

"You've got one of them too?" Jack said as soon as he saw the folder.

"We all have one! Now stop avoiding the subject, tell me everything you know about Samantha Carter. I understand she's in the air force too."

"Well Carter is... Carter," Jack answered as he rubbed the back of his neck, all of a sudden it seemed to have gotten hotter.

"Hmm, Daniel said you would be like this."

"Like what?" Jack asked confused. Oh how Daniel would pay for this.

"Like this," he said waving his hands around Jack, "you won't open up, you won't say much. So what does Samantha like?" Jai asked hoping this time by attacking Jack's ego he might actually say something.

"Well for starters she prefers to be called Sam."

"That's a start."

"She likes blue Jell-O, she `loves' her job," Jack said enforcing the `loves' part.

"Mhmm, so do you do anything together, like outside of work?" Jai asked.

"Do team nights count?" Jack asked hopefully.

"Ah no. Here I want you to call her and invite her over for dinner tonight," Jai said holding up the cordless phone for Jack.

Jack took the phone out of Jai's hand and went to push speed-dial 1 as he had programmed into the phone.

"Ah before you do," Jai said taking the phone out of Jack's hand. "Practice on me what you are going to say to her."

"Well I was gonna ask her to come round for a beer."

"So this is the O'Neill charm Daniel was talking about."

"O'Neill charm ey?" Jack replied smugly.

"Ok, I want you to sound casual, ask her how she's doing first, and then ask her over. Not for a beer, say `dinner' got it?" It was as though Jai was introducing Jack to the word dinner for the first time.

"Ok dinner not beer, got it." Jack said as he tried to sound confident.

Jack pushed speed-dial 1 and held the phone to his ear.

"It's ringing..." Jack said as he pointed to the phone with his other hand.

"Well that's a start," Jai replied.

"Carter," Sam answered into the phone.

"Hey Carter," Jack said nervously.

"Hi sir."

"How are you?" Jack asked looking at Jai who gave him two thumbs up.

"Uh good sir, how about yourself?" Sam replied.

"Yeah, I'm," Jack looked around, "good" he finally answered.

"Sooo, was there a reason as to why you called?" Sam never received calls from Jack unless there was something wrong on base or if he wanted something fixed.

"Sooo, whatcha doin?" Jack asked avoiding her question.

"Actually nothing sir," Sam replied.

"Good. I was wondering if you'd like to come over for dinner tonight," Jack asked sending Jai a questioning look.

"Dinner?" Sam was both shocked and confused.

"Yes dinner Carter, it comes after lunch." Jai sent Jack a warning look.

"I know sir, um what time?"

Jack covered the speaker end of the phone, "What time?" he mouthed to Jai who quickly thought of a time.

"7:30," Jai replied.

"How about 1930 hours?" Jack said into the phone as he pulled his hand away.

"Sure, sounds great," Sam replied then looked at her watch.

"Oh," Jai said as he grabbed the phone out of Jack's grasp. "Hi Samantha, make sure you dress up tonight," Jai said before handing Jack back the phone.

"Hello?" Sam said confusedly.

"Yes Carter, well I'll see you tonight," Jack replied.

"See you then..." Sam answered before hanging up.

"Well, that went well," Jack replied sarcastically as he pushed a button on the phone and handed it back to Jai.

"She accepted, that's a start!" Jai replied.

"For now."

"Well I'm sure Ted want to see you now," Jai told Jack.

Jack pointed in several directions no knowing where Ted actually was.

"Kitchen," Jai simply replied as he chuckled to himself.

"Thanks," Jack said before strolling off to the kitchen.

Jack entered the kitchen and saw half a body poking out of the fridge.


"Jack," Ted pulled his head out of the fridge and hit it on the edge.

"Why are you in my fridge?" Jack asked curiously.

"Looking to see if you actually owned any food," Ted replied.

The kitchen bench was full of mainly beer, however there were a few food items. None of them edible mind you, but they were still food items.

"This is what I pried from your fridge," Ted said as he waved his hand over the kitchen bench.

"Yes," Jack said as he picked up a beer and opened it.

"So what do you usually eat for dinner?" Ted asked as he watched Jack take a swig of his beer, apparently it wasn't too early to be drinking.

"Beer," Jack replied.

"Ok, what do you serve your guests for dinner?" Ted asked hopefully. (takeout I imagine he has a large pile of takeout menus)

"Beer," Jack answered again.

"Do you cook anything?"

"Uh," Jack thought for a while, "I cook my famous omelette."

"And what does that contain?" Ted asked

"Beer," Jack replied casually.

"Why am I not surprised?" Ted replied, "Well I think I'll get you to cook maybe some lamb cutlets and for dessert maybe some chocolate ice-cream with blue Jell-O."

"Sounds great, but what do you me by `get me to cook?'" Jack replied.

Ted chuckled, "It's ok, and it's pretty simple. I will show you how and then you can cook it tonight for Samantha."

"Your gonna show me how, can't I just reheat that?" Jack asked.

"Oh I think I hear Thom, you better go see him before he breaks all your stuff!" Ted stated, he really just wanted Jack away from him. Reheating food made him mad.

"Jack, Jack, Jack." Thom latched onto Jack's arm as he came out of the kitchen, "I see you like space and the universe."

"No, I just have this in my house because it was all free," Jack replied sarcastically.

"Stop it," Thom smacked Jack's chest playfully, all of the men seemed to have a habit of doing that, "Good sense of humour too, I can see why Samantha likes you."

"Her name is Sam and what's this about her liking me?" Jack asked curiously.

"Yes, very much so it seems, now let's start with your DVD collection. Now is this a hobby of yours or what?"

"Ah, no, yes, what can I say, I love my movies." Jack replied somewhat confused as to what Thom had just said about Sam actually liking him.

"Ok and what about your PlayStation games? A hobby too?" Thom asked in which Jack simply smiled.

Thom just looked at him before he led Jack to his bedroom.

"A king single, well we will definitely have to do something about that," Thom replied upon seeing Jack's bed.

"Everyone in the lounge room now, please!" Carson called demandingly so the `please' part really had no effect.

All the men had finally gathered in the middle of the lounge room. Carson was still wearing Jack's air force dress blues, much to Jack's dismay.

"Well we've all spoken to Jack and gathered enough information to get started. You'll be coming with me first, so let's go," Carson said moving towards the front door.

"Can I at least get changed first?" Jack asked finally remembering that he was still in his pyjamas.

"You've got five minutes," Carson replied hastily.


Authors Notes: Well, did anyone actually like it? Please review! Hopefully I shall have the next chapter up soon, I just have to type it up first LOL, Well happy reviewing, yes I would like you to review! L8ers!

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