A Funny Kind of Bliss by Purpleyin

A Funny Kind of Bliss von Purpleyin

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Spoilers: For Season One "Before I Sleep" and minor spoilers for previous episodes of "The Eye", "Hotzone" and "the Defiant One" . This is a tag for the episode, that accompanies another tag fic called "Sacrifice" for the same episode. Doesn't really matter what order you read them in though this one comes first chronologically.

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"I died!" His own words rung in his mind. He felt as shocked now still as when he'd heard it from her lips. But he was foolish to linger on that thought, he wasn't the only one who had died. Everyone had, even her.

There had been a dreadful silence after Elizabeth had turned off the whine of the heart monitor. Maybe it was because they'd given up on her, knowing there was nothing else to do but except her sacrifice, the sacrifice every one of their counterparts had made for them living here.

At the time he'd been told of his death he'd reached out for the chair nearby, as what the Older Elizabeth said hit him totally. It blew him away but it occurred to him that it worked though didn't it. His life given had saved Elizabeth. He knew what he must have been thinking - he'd wanted her to live - and it had saved more than just her, he'd saved himself too somehow.

It was the same thing he had he been thinking, or not thinking on simply acting on, when he'd jumped in front of the gun more recently. But it would have been worth it, like it had been in his other time line. And at least he'd have been happy when he died. Carson had told him earlier that drowning was thought to cause an ecstatic feeling in the victim before you succumbed to unconsciousness and then death.

The other him had never known that she'd survived, never known if his life had been used in vain. It was good to know it hadn't, that it had saved her and them all by that. One life spent to gain another, only he wasn't necessarily thinking of his own. All of the original expedition had died, even Elizabeth, but here they all were with the exception of those unfortunate to survive but not survive long after that. Like Sumner, Brendan and the others he thought, guilt returning at their memories. But sometime was better than nothing.

It was odd to wait in the briefing room for her, for the mission they'd go on that might well allow them home Funny because he'd be helping send her home, to Simon. She'd only mentioned him after that time the fog aliens had created made up realities, where he'd presumed she'd visited him. Talking about him guiltily, someone she'd forgot to mention previously but had been reminded of.

It was a weird feeling to want to do that, to be sending her into the arms of that distant man of hers, only from what he'd heard she loved Simon, and he only wanted her to be happy ultimately and if that didn't include him...

Oh sure he could make her smile as much as he wanted but that didn't mean anything beyond her feelings of friendship. There was this underlying guilt that he felt more than that and he resolved to be the best friend he could, the closest he could get, being supportive, reassuring, someone there for when Simon was not. Like these past months had been.

But going home that would change, however brief there visit might be. She'd go home to Simon and who knows what might happen then. And he'd go home to his cat. If Janice his neighbour, and cat sitter, could be persuaded to give his cat Snickers back after so long. She'd probably complain he didn't deserve a nice cat after abandoning her for so long. He could picture the scene, everyone with bright shiny smiles going home to family and him left alone in a dank apartment with dead plants and zero messages.

The only thing he was bothered about was the fact she'd left Simon. If she really loved him then she wouldn't have come, a chance of a lifetime didn't outweigh the love of your life. At least he knew he'd never have left her if it had been him, if she felt anything for him. Could she really leave a man she loved for this? He knew she valued her career and it was an amazing contribution to humankind but she wasn't a heartless woman. He knew her well and it didn't seem right for her to do that if she really did...

But who was he kidding, he'd only known her for less than a year and he was biased, he wanted that hope to cling to. As if the thought could keep him going, keep his spirits high even when everything he did would bring her and Simon closer to reunion. It was sad, pathetic to think like that. He wanted to be normal about it, he wanted to want to go back to Earth. All he could do was remind himself what it meant to everyone else, what he'd be returning to that made it worth it even if he didn't really think any of it was worth losing her. He could force himself to pretend though, just think of all the good things, the things everyone missed about home.

For a while he was lost in thoughts of all the wonderful foods he'd been craving with supplies exhausted, until a part of the conversation of the others caught his attention.

"Think we should call Elizabeth in, she said she'd only be a minute or two." He straightened up, confidently accepting the task even though the question wasn't yet answered by anyone. "I'll go get her." he said, not waiting to see if they cared that he'd imposed himself on it.

He calmly strode out the door, breaking into a jog outside the room, eager to talk to her but not wanting anyone else in the briefing room to see that. Things might be changing he thought wistfully but he'd take every moment he could get with her, relishing them secretly, knowing there may not be many more if this mission succeeded. Taking every second he could get with a strange happiness, it was funny kind of bliss, like that of a man drowning but it was all he had.

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A Funny Kind of Bliss von Purpleyin

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