Keller hadn’t wanted to release her, but the constant noise and stream of people had nearly driven her mad. She had agreed to check back with a doctor every few hours, but really, all she wanted to do was sleep in her own bed.

Four days had passed since their return to Atlantis. John hadn’t been coherent when he had awoken late the night before. He looked better than he had on the planet, but not by much. Keller hadn’t told her everything, but she knew that it had been severe.

Carter had talked to her yesterday, grilling her on what had happened. She hadn’t been able to say much; she had also conveniently left out the part where Red Fur stabbed her with a poisoned knife. She hadn’t told anyone. She had wanted to make sure John was alright. He was so much more important than she was.

Apparently, when his team had gotten back to Atlantis and discovered them missing, they had gathered a number of troops and rushed back through the gate, only to realize that John and Merry had been captured. Scans of the planet revealed that they were still there, but there had been no way to retrieve them. The Daedalus had been on its way back to Earth; it had been recalled quickly, but they had been released mere days before it arrived. She couldn’t help but feel a little bitter at that. If only…

But it was irrelevant now. She had three days before the poison began to kill her, if it hadn’t started already. Three days to say goodbye to everyone. She had no intention of going back; she wasn’t sure if she herself could take what they had done to John. She certainly didn’t feel as strong as he was.

She hadn’t made many friends here in Atlantis; if she was honest with herself, she had very few back home as well. It wasn’t that she didn’t like people; she just…she found herself staring at a picture of herself and her twin sister, Phillipa. She hadn’t spoken to her sister in person in over ten years, not since before her sister’s wedding. Pip probably wouldn’t even miss her.

Thinking about her sister, she began cry.

*

Merry woke slumped over her desk, the pain in her side reminding her of why she had been there in the first place. The letter to Pip was attached to her cheek, a bit smudged in places but still the best she could do.

She could have made an electronic transmission; the next Earth dial-in was tomorrow. But she knew that people read the emails sent home, and she didn’t want anyone to worry. Not that anyone would, really, but she didn’t want to cause alarm. She looked at her clock; it was nearly 1800, time to go check in with Doctor Keller.

She walked slowly down the corridor, taking in the view from the many windows on the way to the transporter. No matter which window she looked from, the view of the city was spectacular. Tall spires, illuminated by the setting sun, began to glow from within as the city’s internal lighting systems activated. It always took her breath away.

The transport to the infirmary was quick, and she was inside less than five minutes later. She was only a few minutes late, but she was sure Doctor Keller hadn’t noticed. She found herself freezing in the doorway, emotion threatening to overcome her.

John was awake.

His entire team was there, and they were talking to him as though nothing had happened. McKay, a person she and- it was safe to say- most of Atlantis found rude and overbearing, was wearing a large smile and chatting a mile a minute. John was watching him with an amused expression on his face; every once in a while he would comment. Ronon was leaning against the nearest wall, a little smile on his face. It changed his whole appearance, and made him look years younger; he wasn’t that old, but his attitude often added years that he didn’t have. Teyla was on the foot of his bed, a large smile on her own face.

Standing in the doorway to the infirmary, she had never felt more alone in her life.

*

Keller had said she was fine, and she had left as quickly as she could. She didn’t want John to see her; she wasn’t sure she could keep the poison thing quiet, and she didn’t want him to feel guilty. She hadn’t wanted to notice his eyes on her, but she had.

She walked slowly down the hall to the transporter. She was tired, again, and she wanted to finish her letter to her sister before she went to sleep. She tried to ignore the nagging voice in her head that wanted her to run to his side, audience be damned, and hold on to him. The voice wanted her to tell him everything, tell Keller everything, and let them worry and try to fix it. It would be so easy to let them try to help her, but she couldn’t.

Red Fur had told her to be back in seven days. She had six more days before the poison became fatal. That little voice told her that that was more than enough time for them to find the cure. She crushed the little voice. She didn’t want to take attention from John; she was sure he was in more danger than she was.

She had made it to the transporter, but in her preoccupation hadn’t heard the footsteps behind her until she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder. She gasped and spun as fast as her middle would allow. Teyla had a concerned look on her face.

"Are you well, Merry?"

She and Teyla had had a few conversations over the three years she had been on Atlantis; she admired the woman greatly, and for a second contemplated telling her. But the words that she said were far from what she was thinking.

"I’m fine, Teyla. Why do you ask?"

Teyla frowned a little. "Colonel Sheppard wished to speak to you before you left, if that is all right." Something must have shown on her face, because Teyla held up her hands rather quickly, with an alarmed look on her face. "You do not have to, Merry. He merely wished to see if you were well."

Merry nodded. "I’m fine. Really. I just…I can’t talk to him right now."

Teyla nodded sympathetically. "Of course. I shall tell him you are well." She turned to go back to the infirmary.

Something in Merry forced the words out before she realized that she was saying them. "Teyla?" When the other woman turned, the words seemed to spill out. "How is he?"

Teyla smiled. "Colonel Sheppard…John…is very well. Doctor Keller is confident that he is past the worst of it."

Merry gave her what she hoped was a happy smile. "I’m…I’m really glad. I’d better be going. Thanks, Teyla."

The other woman grinned. "Any time, Merry. I shall tell John to look forward to seeing you soon."

*

Merry spent the next day in her room, packing her things. She didn’t want anyone to have to do it for her. She made sure to make her appointments in the infirmary; she didn’t want anyone to come down to her quarters and see the boxes. She ate at the appropriate times in the mess, sitting by herself at a table in the corner. She brought a book with her, to make it look as if she were doing something; rarely did anyone disturb someone with a book in the mess.

She hadn’t let herself be alone with John. The two times she had gone to the infirmary, she had tried to avoid him. It had been easy the first time; he had been asleep. The second time she had merely answered his questions quickly and left. She had sensed that he wanted to talk to her privately, but she wouldn’t let that happen. She had to get through the next two days.

The few friends she had here in Atlantis had mostly left her alone. Leslie, a friend from her department, had stopped by the day she had been released. Merry had told Leslie that she really wanted to be alone, at least for a while, and, as she had suspected, Leslie let everyone else know. She was a terrible gossip.

The letter to her sister had taken far longer than she would have guessed. She explained as much as she could about Atlantis without revealing anything too specific, and had begged forgiveness for what had happened the last time they had seen each other. She didn’t want to die without telling Pip why she had done what she did.

The letter was in an addressed envelope on her desk, and the boxes were all neatly packed. She hadn’t had much in Atlantis; a few Athosian tapestries, candles, and pottery, a poster of a galaxy, as well as her rather small CD collection; it was mostly classical music. She had spent most of her time in Atlantis working.

Packing everything had brought something out in her. She admitted, once, out loud, that she was going to die. The tears had come unbidden, but what had really shaken her were her thoughts afterward.

She wasn’t really leaving anything behind. She hadn’t done anything but work on Atlantis for the past three years; very few off-world missions, and she had only been to the mainland a few times. She didn’t even think her work was all that important. Someone else could easily replace her, once they’d emptied out her tiny office. She didn’t dare go down there, for fear of one of the other department members seeing her and asking awkward questions.

For all that she was in another galaxy, she didn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things, and that hurt more than the fact that she was going to die in five days.

*

Merry spent the day after backing up all of her work with notes, so that the person who came after her would understand everything she had been working on.

The next day, she had gone to all of her favorite spots in the city.

Watching the stars come out at the end of the south pier, with the moons mere slivers in the sky, she had contemplated simply jumping off the end into the water below. She had heard somewhere that drowning was very peaceful. She doubted she could swim very well with the stab wound; she couldn’t swim well anyway.

It didn’t take much to talk herself out of that plan. Dying slowly from poison was one thing; throwing oneself off a pier into the ocean was another story entirely.

She didn’t know how long she sat there, watching the stars reflect off the surface of the ocean, but it had to have been longer than an hour. She had left her radio on; she was surprised when Doctor Keller’s voice suddenly rang out in her ear.

Merry jumped and tapped her headset. "Doctor Keller? How can I help you?"

Merry blushed. "Of course. I must have lost track of time. I’ll be right there."

*

It took nearly twenty minutes to get to the infirmary, and she was out of breath when she finally got there. Doctor Keller was talking to John, who looked half-asleep. She looked over and saw Merry, patted John carefully on the shoulder, and then walked over to her.

"Alright, Merry, let’s check you over."

Merry sat patiently through all the tests, part of her wishing the poison would manifest so that she didn’t have to hide it anymore and the other part hoping that she could get back to her room first. She didn’t even know what the poison did.

Keller took her temperature and frowned. Merry began to worry when she did it again, and at Keller’s sigh. "Looks like you’ve got a low fever."

Merry frowned. "What does that mean?"

Keller gave her an unreadable look, then smiled cheerfully. "It means that you’re going to spend a little more time with me!"

*

Merry was tucked into the bed next to John’s again. This time, they were much closer together; apparently, the beds had been spaced to give the medics enough space to work on the both of them at the same time.

She was in scrubs, at least, and her arm was still in its sling above her top. She lay there, contemplating the ceiling.

She jumped when she saw the time. It was just after midnight, Atlantis time; today, the poison would start. She wondered what it would be like.

She didn’t notice at first when her hand started to shake. The one in the sling was fine. The tremors were small, starting in her fingers and slowly progressing to her hands. She finally noticed when the tremors moved up to her forearm and wrist, causing her whole hand to shake. She didn’t say a word.

The tremors were moving quicker now. Soon, it was her whole arm. Then she felt it begin in her legs. Soon, the tremors had reached her chest. It was getting harder to breathe.

Even if she wanted to, she couldn’t call out.

Her eyes rolled back in her head as the first full-body convulsion struck. She barely heard it when John began to yell for Keller.