Elizabeth Weir stood outside the laboratory quietly watching the sleeping figure inside. She smiled a little as she saw him mumble in his sleep, thinking how typical it was that Rodney McKay was fast asleep after the days events while everybody else seemed to be wide awake.
She had left her quarters after an hour or so of trying to sleep because over and over again their argument kept playing in her mind. Every time it did all of the sweet and caring things he had done for her that day and since their arrival on Atlantis flashed before her and made her feel awful.
She kept seeing baby Rebecca and how happy their counterparts had been on that Atlantis. She kept remembering every touch she had felt while Rodney was trying to comfort or reassure her. She remembered how he had listened to her and opened up to her and how wanted and needed he made her feel. Most of all though she remembered his face when she had snapped at him; and she remembered how when they had come round back on their own Atlantis he had just walked off without even looking at her.
With sleep far from her mind Elizabeth had found herself walking aimlessly through the corridors. So many people filled them; many in the same boat as she was and unable to sleep because of all they'd had to face that day which had come from within their own hearts. People had been made to face up to things that they had kept buried deep inside them and pushed back for whatever reasons and now the nights events were starting to take their toll. She had hoped to at least wear herself out enough to be able to go back to her quarters and get some sleep but instead she had found herself here watching the sleeping figure of the man that held her heart.
It had been hard to see all of the things that she had, not because she was repulsed by what she saw or because she felt them to be bad things but because she felt so guilty for seeing them. Since their arrival on Atlantis when she had realised what Rodney was starting to mean to her she pushed all of those feelings to the back of her heart as she tried to work through what she wanted and what she would do if his feelings were the same for her. At the same time she was worried that those feelings would be a problem in regards to her being in charge of Rodney and his team and so she chose to push them away. She had Simon back home and she couldn't stand the thought of betraying him and she didn`t want her feelings to be a distraction. But her feelings for Rodney had become so strong during recent months. She didn't realise just how much until she had seen what she had that day and seen a whole other side to him and she didn't know whether she could just push them away anymore. She didn't know if she could just ignore them. She knew that she would be hurting Simon if they ever were to return home but then if she truly loved him would she have left him in the first place? All she knew was that she had hurt Rodney so much earlier on that night and that she was finding it difficult to live with the knowledge that he was hurting because of her.
She was the one that he opened up to. She was the one that he was so tender with and cared for. He would give his life for her and he never expected anything in return. She was the one who was a part of his hearts desires and he was a part of hers. How could she continue to ignore it when doing so now was hurting her so much? But then how could she hurt someone so special to her back home?
Elizabeth sighed and leant against the doorframe. He was hunched over his desk and he must have been so uncomfortable but she supposed after such a hard and revealing night that this was one of the only places now that he actually felt safe and in control of what he was doing.
They had all become more vulnerable since their experience. The other people around them had seen to the very depths of their colleagues' souls and for Rodney that was a very scary thing. He was so used to putting on a strong, sarcastic; no nonsense front, which allowed him to push people away that to have it revealed that deep down he wanted a family and wanted to be loved, was something terrifying for him. He wasn't used to people seeing him that way and he didn't like to reveal his emotions and feelings for fear of getting hurt. It was a side of him that only got shown in glimpses to those around him. Now he couldn't deny that it existed and so his world had been turned upside down.
Elizabeth quietly stepped into the lab being careful not to wake the sleeping man. She pulled off the sweatshirt that she was wearing and folded it up and then as gently as she could she lifted up his head and placed the sweatshirt underneath it like a pillow.
She smiled as he softly sighed in his sleep.
Elizabeth pulled up a chair and just sat there watching him as he peacefully slept. She studied all of the expressions that appeared on his face affectionately, the sight warming her heart. It was nice to see him so peaceful sometimes.
"I'm sorry that I hurt you today Rodney." She whispered to the sleeping figure, knowing that he wouldn't hear her but needing to say it. "I never wanted to hurt you like that. You're a very special man in my life...that's part of the reason why I said what I did. It's hard for me because of Simon. I feel guilty for what I feel for you...like I'm betraying him and to see myself so happy there having your child and to see what I wanted...and to see me having it with you.... It made me feel guilty that's all. It doesn't make me feel any less for you. It makes me feel bad that I could just forget him and I need to work through that."
"You haven't forgotten about him. That's why it's so hard for you." Whispered a groggy voice in reply.
Elizabeth looked at Rodney and saw that he was looking up at her through his eyelashes. His eyes were still half closed with sleep.
"I thought you were asleep." She commented quietly; feeling slightly embarrassed.
"I was but you can only stay asleep for so long before your back starts giving you agony for lying like this." He told her sitting up and rubbing his eyes then stretching his back. "Okay ow."
"You should go and get some proper rest." Elizabeth told him as he rubbed his back, wincing in pain.
"I didn't think I was that tired. I just keep playing today over and over in my head." He admitted.
"Me too and most of Atlantis it seems. The whole city is up. I just passed Emilie on her way to see Dr Beckett and John on his way to see Teyla. Everyone has something on their minds."
Rodney nodded and looked at her wearily.
"How much did you hear?" She asked him looking at her feet.
"Pretty much all of it." He replied poker faced, his piercing eyes looking deeply into her own. He wasn't going to make this easy for her.
"Then you'll know how sorry I am." Elizabeth told him. "Rodney I...."
"You know I'm not so unfeeling that I can't understand why today was so hard for you. I understand completely. You have someone that you're in love with back home and today you had to watch us together and having a child of our own. Something you probably would have been able to deal with more easily if it was Simon you saw and not me. I completely understood that all night. Why else do you think I was so worried about you?" He asked her.
"Rodney..."
"But you didn't need to bring up my not having anyone Elizabeth. You think I don't know that I push people away? Of course I do. I'm a pro at it. It stops me from getting hurt like I did earlier." He told her. "And you think I'm not lonely? Of course I am. I just didn't need to hear what a sad and pitiful person I was from you. You of all people."
"I never said that." She told him hurt.
"No. Not in so many words but it was implied. I always felt I could talk to you about everything. You and Carson are the only two people I feel like that with. I'm not afraid to be all that I am with you. I'm not afraid to care about you Elizabeth because you make me feel whole. You make me feel like a better man than I am. You let me be me and still know that there's a better man underneath. But to hear you say you didn't need what happened right now and to hear you say how awful you felt when you were seeing what was in your heart...when you were seeing what I meant to you...Do you have any idea how that made me feel?" He asked her.
"I hurt you Rodney. I know that." She told him tearfully.
"You should know that because you did." He almost shouted. "You made me feel like an inconvenience. You made me feel like an irritation to you. I saw what was in your heart...I saw an Atlantis where we were happy...and you just...."
"Rodney...."
"For the first time I felt as if you had the same opinion of me as everybody else." He told her sadly. "I don't want to be an annoyance with you like I am with them. I would never want that to happen and that's what I felt like. I felt like neither of our feelings mattered to you."
"Rodney please don't do this..."
"You know Elizabeth I have had a lot happen in my life. A lot that I haven't shared with anyone and because of it it's hard for me to love and it's hard for me to accept love. I can't help it. I don't trust people to ever feel anything for me. But today you saw into my heart...Today you saw how I felt. It should have been special. But instead I feel like nothing..." He whispered turning away from her.
"You could never be nothing to me. You should never feel that way." She told him tearfully. "And I am so, so, sorry about what I said. I am so sorry that it made you feel so badly about what you feel for me...about what I feel for you. I do feel it Rodney. What you saw it was a part of me. I can't deny that." She told him.
"You seem to be doing a pretty good job." He replied sarcastically.
"No I'm not. That's why I feel so confused right now. Seeing what we saw today...seeing Rebecca and us engaged...seeing you so in awe over the birth of our baby...that stirred up more feelings in me than Simon ever did. With Simon I felt safe and wanted. But with you...with you I feel both of those things and more. I feel needed. I feel special. I feel safe and cared for. To be around someone who makes you feel like that is an amazing thing. There's so much more to you Rodney...so much that only I seem to see and I love that." She told him shyly. "I love that there are things about you that only I see."
Rodney turned to face her.
"You feel safe with me?" Rodney asked her, his eyes wide and unbelieving.
"I feel so many things." Elizabeth told him honestly. "Rodney what we saw I don't regret seeing and what I feel...what we both feel... I don't regret feeling and I hope with all my heart that you don't either. I just...I just feel like I'm betraying Simon that's all and it hurts me to think like that. I need to decide what I want in regards to him and to us."
"I can't help you with that Elizabeth. I wish I could but I can't. It has to be your choice and it has to be the right one but I want you to know that I don't regret anything about today either. The only thing I do regret is walking away from you." He told her, his cheeks reddening.
She smiled at his honesty.
"I would never push you into making a decision Elizabeth." He told her, his voice softening. "As long as you know that I'm here whenever you need me that's all that matters to me. It doesn't matter how long it takes or if you decide that your heart lies with Simon. I want you to know that I'll still be here the same as always because no matter what you choose nothing will ever stop me being your friend or stop me wanting to look out for you. I know when I`ve got something special in my life. I wouldn`t jeopardize that something for any reason and if you choose Simon I respect that."
"I know you wouldn't push me." She told him shocked by how open he'd just been and how even if she chose Simon he'd still be there for her as he always was now. "I don't want to lose you Rodney." She told him looking right into his eyes. "When I realised how much I'd hurt you...it broke my heart. I couldn't bear it if I lost you. I don`t think I could bear not to have a person in my life who would sacrifice so much just for the chance that I could be happy...even if it meant I wasn`t with him."
Rodney slowly got up off his chair and walked over to her. He knelt carefully down in front of her and took her hands in his.
"You're not going to lose me." He told her trying to reassure her. "All I ever want for you is for you to be happy. Even if it means not being with me. Even if we have seen all that we have seen. You're too important to me for me to want to push you into making a decision that's wrong for you."
Elizabeth cupped his cheek in her hands and felt a tear roll down her cheek. He wiped it away with his thumb.
" I didn't mean to upset you earlier Elizabeth. It's just...You're special to me and I thought that what we saw...I thought it repulsed you. I thought you'd rather it wasn't me that you were seeing with you. I`m sorry I got angry."
Elizabeth ran a hand through his hair.
"Seeing us together there was the most natural thing in the world. How could it repulse me?" She asked him her eyes wide. "You've held my heart since Antarctica Rodney. It was just kind of scary to see the feelings that we have for each other play out right in front of our eyes where I can`t keep them locked away while I`m trying to figure out what to do in regards to Simon. That`s the reason I`ve been trying to push them away. That`s the reason I got angry because I wasn`t able to hide them anymore and I didn`t know what to do."
"It's similar for me you know. Everyone was aware today that they were seeing their deepest desires and their colleagues and they saw just how much I care for you. They saw that no matter how much I protest it that I do want a family one-day though whether I think I'd be a good father at the moment is questionable. They saw a side to me that I never let them see because I'm too afraid. I can't hide behind my sarcasm in regards to any of that anymore. They all know what I feel. You know what I feel and what I want in life. It's a scary thing for me to have revealed." He explained to her.
"I know it is." She reassured him. "And if it means anything at all to you I think you'd be a good father. When you saw that child being born and yourself holding her I could see that you would be a doting dad. It`d probably take some time for you to get the hang of it mind you, but it`d come right in the end." She told him.
He smiled.
"I think you'd be a good mom too." He admitted truthfully.
"I don't know about that." Elizabeth argued shyly.
"I do. You made a very beautiful mother to be." He told her softly. "And I could see you going all gooey over the baby." He teased.
"Like you weren't." She teased back.
"I'm glad that I got to share today with you Elizabeth. I'm glad it's out in the open. I guess in a way we can thank Halling. I just wish you didn't have such a hard choice to make." He told her stroking her cheeks with his thumbs.
She closed her eyes and smiled at his gentle touch, her heart beating quickly in her chest as he softly caressed her skin.
"You do know that I'm never going to be able to live any of this down." He then added smiling.
"Does that worry you?" Elizabeth asked him curiously opening her eyes.
"Not really actually. A lot less than I thought it would. It'll give me the opportunity to think up some more sarcastic responses to my peers anyway." He said grinning.
"Yeah there is that." Elizabeth replied nodding.
"Just remember that they bear no reflection on you. Whatever I answer back to them...It doesn't change anything that I've said tonight or anything that I feel."
"I know. You just like to keep things private."
He nodded with a small smile.
"The fact that I'm having to think about this all...it doesn't change what I feel for you either. You do know that don't you Rodney?" She asked him.
He nodded in response.
"I know. It's right that you want to think about Simon. You're an amazing woman Elizabeth. We're so far away from home and you've seen into your heart but you still have enough care and consideration to think about Simon. He's very lucky to have you." Rodney told her.
Elizabeth could feel tears welling up behind her eyes because of his words. Sometimes he could be so unselfish and this was one of those moments.
"Thank you." She told him sincerely.
He smiled and got up, kissing her forehead tenderly. It was then that Elizabeth noticed him wince in pain and grab his back.
"Rodney what's wrong?" She asked him worriedly.
"My back. I can't move. " He told her, his eyes wide with pain.
"Rodney stop playing around." She scolded frowning.
He looked into her eyes and she could see that they were filled with pain.
"You're not kidding are you?" She asked him concerned.
He shook his head.
"I must have been lying funny. I really can't move." He told her through gritted teeth, as the pain became unbearable. "Get help please?" He pleaded.
"Rodney you're going to be all right. I'll go and get Carson." She told him getting out of the chair she was sitting in and watching in horror as he fell to his knees.
"Hurry..." He pleaded with her.
Elizabeth had never been so scared in her life.
"I'll be back as soon as I can okay? You're going to be fine. I promise you." She reassured him, kissing him on the top of his head before running through Atlantis to find her friend.
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