McKay's Feedback Loop
---1---
Lieutenant Miller steered the Jumper and contacted Atlantis, reporting a problem which had grown too big to manage alone. "Dr. Beckett," he said. "Something's wrong with Dr. McKay. I thought he was all right but then he started talking real fast, then slow, then he shut down altogether."
"Is he conscious?"
"Yes sir. His pulse is steady but he's just been sitting there sort of gray, like he might get sick any minute." Miller listened as McKay's lips moved. "He mumbles."
"Rodney," Beckett asked over the radio. "What's the trouble?"
Miller cut in: "It's like he doesn't hear you, doc. Or he's ignoring you. He keeps going on about Dr. Grodin."
"When did this first begin?"
"Well," Miller said, "after the explosion, thereabouts. We were too stunned to say much but I thought he handled it pretty well. He was quiet on his computer for a long time, mentioned Dr. Grodin's flight bag, what do we do with it, and I thought, that's a funny question coming from a man like Dr. McKay, being so alpha genius and everything..."
"Highlights only," Beckett said. "Skip the details."
"Sorry sir, well, I said we'd keep it for his family and he put it down, went back to his computer in the passenger chair. I'd talk to him once in awhile and he'd give me those one-word answers when you know someone doesn't want to be bugged. Finally I gave up and when I noticed again he was asleep on the floor in the back, crashed out on his spacesuit stuff which I thought was kind of weird because we have these nice fold-out things which are pretty-----"
Beckett broke in a second time. "Lieutenant, please. Less you, more McKay."
"Yeah. Okay. After a few hours I was getting sleepy and hungry and got tired of waiting for him to wake up so I called him, said would you take the con for a while and he said, put it on auto, and I said that's not good procedure in wartime, you never leave the crow's nest empty, never know what you'll run into out here. So he got up and I dozed."
"Then what?"
"He took the pilot's chair and when I woke up damn it if we weren't going in the wrong direction. Luckily I couldn't sleep too well. Not like me, you know. I asked him what's going on and he was spacey, didn't seem to know anything was wrong which made me think he had to be the worst pilot in history but....sorry...highlights, right. You still there?"
"We're listening, lieutenant," he said.
"I got us back on course and here we are couple of hours later with him talking faster then going closed mouth all over again. He's back and forth like that."
"Why didn't you contact me earlier?"
"Well, he had a snack and fell asleep again and I figured eating's a good sign, least that's what my step grandma Bebchuk always swore to. There's nothing we can do until we get back anyway. Sorry about that. Judgement call. Hasn't been long he went gray. Doesn't seem to be in any pain or anything.
"Not physical pain," Beckett said. "A different kind, I'd guess."
McKay's voice carried home. "We have to go back. We have to get him."
"He's lost it," Miller said. "He's trying to get me to turn around."
"What's he doing?"
"Acting restless. I had to nudge him back. Now he's started to get up and plopped right down again. I think his color's better though."
Beckett asked, "Your ETA?"
"One hour, if he doesn't meddle with anything."
"Listen." Beckett raised his voice, direct and serious. "Talk to him, keep him warm. He could be in shock. I can't be sure until you get here. Break out a blanket, he's probably chilled and doesn't even realize it. You know what to do. In the meantime, call if there's any significant change. I'll see you in the hangar bay."
---2---
When they arrived, Beckett boarded the Jumper and found Rodney stretched over the dialing device, a blanket crumpled to one side. He had a firm grip on Miller's sleeve and was ordering him to stay at the controls. McKay shut up and seemed startled for a few seconds, then frowned at the doc and let go of the sleeve. The lieutenant got up, hurried out of their way.
"What are you doing here?" McKay said. "Get off. Miller and I are going back."
"Hold still, Rodney," Beckett said, squeezing between the chair and the dialing device. He took his pulse, a tad fast, and opened the medical kit. "Do you know what's happened?" he asked, shining a penlight into his eyes. McKay didn't reply, refusing to follow the light as Beckett drew it from side to side and squirming while a blood pressure reading was taken. It was high. All the while the patient kept repeating how unnecessary the exam was, demanding the doctor leave so he could return to the satellite.
"Are you dizzy?" Beckett said. "Feel faint?"
"Dizzy?" He slowly rotated the chair to face front and the blanket slipped farther from his lap. He fell silent, unsettled by the doctor's presence. Carson should know better, he thought; My team is my responsibility.
Sheppard arrived, joining Miller in the Jumper's rear compartment. The EVA gear had spilled into the pathway and they both collected it, piling it higher and out of the way. McKay didn't seem to notice.
Beckett went to them, took them aside. "He's disoriented," he said, lowering his voice. "I think Grodin's death was too much."
Miller whispered, watching McKay. "He put up a fuss when he noticed we were on approach. Came on alert real quick. I yelled and told him he'd crash us if he didn't stand off. Feel bad about that."
"He's quite irritable, even for him," Beckett said. "You did what you had to do." He returned to McKay who seemed preoccupied with the console. "Come along to the medbay. It's been a long trip. We'll check you over, see what's going on." He lifted McKay's elbow.
Rodney pulled away. "Are you kidding? Shove off, all of you. We're going back." He threw the blanket to the floor. "Miller!"
Beckett spread his arms, attempting to prevent Rodney from using the con. "Please get up," he said. "Or I'll have you out on a stretcher."
"What are you doing?" McKay said. "Peter needs us."
Stepping in, Sheppard motioned for the doc to stand aside. He approached McKay. "There's no reason to go back."
"He's waiting," McKay said, listening to Grodin's words as clearly as if he were there: ___After it's done then.___ "I promised I'd pick him up."
"Impossible." Gathering the blanket, Sheppard tossed it to the rear seat and knelt on one leg. "The Wraith destroyed the satellite. Peter was on it."
McKay dug his thumbs into the armrests, battling with an image he would not surrender to willingly. To block it out, his mind had constructed a wall which threatened to collapse minute by minute. So he kept up his guard, continually distracted. "No. He escaped."
"Rodney, that doesn't make sense," Sheppard said. "Think about it. If he escaped, where is he?"
"He's alive and well. I've got to get him home."
Beckett placed a comforting palm on his shoulder. "Maybe you should speak with Dr. Heightmeyer."
Rodney shook his head, attention shifting to the VR controls. More people would only mean a longer delay. Especially ones who weren't part of his team.
Discreetly, Sheppard slipped out of McKay's sight, signaled Beckett to move away and mimed an injection into his own arm.
"A sedative?" Beckett said, softly. "That's a possibility, as a last resort. It's his head that needs tending. I'd like Kate to deal with him first. He's calm, for the present." He turned to McKay: "You relax, all right? Would you like some water?"
"We have water," he said, smugly. "Where's my pilot?" He twirled a one-eighty and spoke to Miller. "You should drive, you know the course. Carson, Sheppard, you're interfering. Out." Swiveling back, he leaned over the con, scanning it end to end. He fiddled with the board and poked at it absently, struggling to concentrate, suddenly unaware of his companions.
---3---
Dr. Heightmeyer arrived promptly while the others lingered and peeked in from beyond the hatch. Alone with McKay, she did most of the talking. Within ten minutes, he began to yell.
"You're not a field man," he told her, dismissing her with a sweep of his hand. "Get out of here."
"Rodney, you've been through a traumatic event," she said. "Let me help."
"I don't need you. You know nothing about the real world. Go!"
Heightmeyer asked him to reconsider and McKay clamed up, pretended she wasn't there. Giving in, she complied.
Outside, they informed her an emergency had arisen: a panic attack victim who'd locked himself in a room, terrified over the Wraith danger. Heightmeyer excused herself, saying she'd be back. As soon as she was out of view, McKay shouted for Miller which prompted Beckett to quickly prepare an injection, accompanied by two assistants and a gurney on standby near the entrance in case Rodney objected too strenuously. Sheppard intervened, said he wanted another chance to reason with him. The doctor concurred. A private meeting with his team leader might carry some weight and perhaps avoid an unsettling scene.
Sheppard strolled in non-chalantly, sitting in the co-pilot's seat. McKay had claimed the pilot's position. "What's wrong, Rodney?" he said.
He gripped the steering controls, appeared puzzled. "We should've flown back for Grodin immediately. Why'd I let him talk me into getting out of there?"
"You saw him die."
McKay's processors had gone haywire and John's blunt statement rattled him. He refused to let it sink in, feeling as if he'd been smacked between the brows with a rock. "I shouldn't have been so short with him, got on his case about being obvious."
"You don't mean anything by it, everyone knows that. Grodin did, too. He was used to you."
"Sheppard," McKay said, a layer of lucidity in his eyes. "Drive me back, or I'm taking myself."
"Yeah?" he said. "Looks like you're having trouble activating the con. There's nothing wrong with the Jumper but if you're a little mixed-up about what you want to do, you know it won't respond. Have you asked yourself why that is?"
"I'm tired, that's all. I made two EVA's. I drew the short pencil. Grodin's always the lucky one."
"Rodney, Peter really is dead."
Sheppard's claim passed unheeded and McKay tried bringing the power online, closing his eyes. The console flashed and made intermittent noises, gradually darkened.
"Are you listening to me?" Sheppard said.
"We're going back." He searched the area behind him. "What's taking him so long?"
"No one's going back," said Sheppard. "The satellite's in pieces and we have an entire fleet of Wraith bearing down on us. You know all this, don't make me have to treat you like a little kid. We need you to work with Zelenka..." He checked the viewport. Zelenka himself had shown up in the bay; no doubt wanting to help as well. "He's got his hands full and we've got no time to spare."
McKay met Zelenka eye to eye for a few seconds then scanned the hangar bay as if someone else might stroll in. The image marred his hopes. It burst into his sight, tearing down the wall. He turned from the window and shoved it back, hastily rebuilding the blockade.
"Do you understand?" Sheppard said.
"What? Understand what?" McKay jiggled the hand controls. "If you're not going to help me, you're free to retreat, preferably now."
"You're in denial. Couldn't take it all in."
"Take what in? I'm fine."
"You were fine. Miller says you found Grodin's flight bag and something snapped."
"Wasting time, wasting time."
Sheppard got up. "I know this is hard on you," he said. "And I wish we had time to make it easier but Beckett's gonna' have to go ahead and do it his way." He expected McKay to say something, speak on his own behalf, but Rodney had refocused on the steering, stuck in his own world. "God you're gonna' be pissed." Dismayed, he decided to go. "I'm sorry," he said. "Peter was a good man." He waited for a reply. Rodney had closed his eyes, absorbed in his task.
Leaving, Sheppard walked out to Beckett while Zelenka came round to meet them. "I'm getting nowhere. It's like he never saw the explosion."
"Oh dear," Beckett said. He motioned for the gurney and his assistants rolled it over, unfastening the straps as they came near. "I don't like doing this. Let's hope he's not too difficult." He took the lead and started across the bay.
"Wait, please," Zelenka said, catching up. "It's my turn. Rodney can be stubborn. So can I."
Beckett reconsidered and ordered his people back on standby. "Good luck."
---4---
Zelenka nodded and boarded cautiously, carrying his PDA, discovering that McKay had brought up the VR display and Miller had rushed in ahead, entreating him to deactivate it, afraid he would fly off.
"I'm not enjoying this," McKay said, scolding Miller. "It was you there with Grodin and me, wasn't it?"
Before the lieutenant could answer, Zelenka interceded. "A minute, please. I'll keep an eye on him."
Miller obliged and allowed him through, pausing. "It's rough losing someone," he told McKay. "Rips the stuffing right out of you."
McKay showed no interest in what the lieutenant had to say and resumed his quest, similarly uninterested in Zelenka's arrival. As Miller departed, he succeeded in engaging the power and the Jumper rumbled like it always did when the hatch was about to close. "Get out of here, Radek. I have work to do."
"I don't think so," Zelenka said, and he slapped his PDA on the boards, grabbed McKay's wrist and yanked it from the control, distracting him from the task. "You're not going anywhere."
McKay was forced to look away from the con. "Let me go," he said, struggling.
Zelenka extended Rodney's arm, keeping it clutched against his own chest. "What have your friends been trying to tell you?"
"Let me go. Grodin needs me."
"What have your friends been trying to tell you?" he said, tightening his grasp.
Rodney felt his brain spin and he rubbed his forehead with his fingertips. His eyes swept left and right across the boards. "You weren't there."
"How fast you forget, my esteemed colleague. You know I wanted to go but as usual, you hogged the whole production. What have your friends been telling you?"
"Nonsense."
"The truth. Think! What have they told you?"
McKay tugged; Zelenka held fast. "That I let Peter down. That I failed him."
"Ah! No such thing. You hear how you want to hear, again as usual. You had nothing to do with Peter's death. Blame the malfunction, not yourself."
"Don't say that, he's not dead. I gave up too easily, I have to go back." ___After it's done then.__
"The armada was knocking at your door," Zelenka said. "As it still is. We're losing valuable time here."
"Agreed, I'm going back."
"You're sounding like feedback loop, my friend," he said. "And not a very stable one."
Rodney flared, grasping Zelenka's arm in a bid to free himself. He drew a foot up into the tilting chair, remaining seated, and heaved backwards. For one memorable interval, they wrestled like children fighting over a toy, Zelenka nearly toppling over. Sheppard and Beckett could be seen down the hatchway, nervously observing, ready to rush in.
Zelenka would not let go, his hold wrapped securely on Rodney's forearm. "Dr. McKay! Stop this. You have a job to do."
The sound of his name and title jarred him and he relented, springing up, hands curling and uncurling into fists. Behind him, a VR schematic of the satellite played brightly on the screen, spinning on its axis, its current data to the left. "Grodin can't die for nothing."
"Grodin's a hero," Zelenka said, finally releasing him. "He'll always be one."
"We don't need another hero." McKay faced the wall and kicked a supply box on the floor. It thumped against the bulkhead. "We need him here to help us defend ourselves."
"And this is what he was doing. He sacrificed himself to save us but the job's half done. It's not his fault he couldn't complete it. We'll finish it for him."
"Sacrifice? I..."
"Is it showing plainly?" Zelenka said, matter-of-factly. "The brain gets wacky at times." He wiggled his fingers to his head. "Don't worry, you've got good one, although I hate to admit it. It'll right itself independently."
Rodney examined the schematic. It blinked with colorful details which belied its fate. "What's going on, Zelenka?"
He pointed to the satellite. "This no longer exists."
Moving closer, McKay reached to touch it.
"It was recorded. Do you want to see? Then there'll be no doubt in your mind."
McKay cast a troubled look towards him and stared back at the satellite. He had already been seeing it, reliving it, beating it back every time. Already feeling what he didn't feel strong enough to handle. "No."
"It's tougher for you. Miller, too. You two saw it happen." Zelenka sat down, choosing the co-pilot's seat. "Last to see Peter."
"Last?" A shadow descended on McKay's face and he peered past the satellite out the viewport, a knot writhing in his belly. He crossed his arms, pressed them hard against his body.
Zelenka leaned forward, speaking gently: "What have your friends been trying to tell you?"
Radek's eyes were small but they conveyed the weight of honesty. McKay respected him. "Give me a minute," he said, looking out again. Reluctantly, he let the wall collapse, allowing the fragments to assemble on their own in the openness of the bay. Once it took shape, he found the image so brilliant that it hurt, charged as it was against the black backdrop of space: Powerful energy beams emanated from two of the Wraith hive ships and streamed toward the satellite, bombarding it at multiple points. In seconds, the structure disintegrated and scattered into the distance, killing Peter in an instant. Angered, McKay recoiled against its brilliance and shut his eyes, covering them with his fingers.
"Are you all right?" asked Zelenka.
He began to pace through the Jumper, making little circles.
"Rodney?"
"I hate the way it went down," he said, going in and out of the rear compartment. "I hate it. We were so damned useless."
"I've no answer for you. I only know there are Wraith hours away and I'm not giving up yet."
They both looked up; Sheppard's voice had caught their attention, echoing into the bay. He was on the radio, telling Weir he would be there as soon as he could, that he didn't want to leave yet. Weir interrupted him, said time was running out.
"The Wraith," McKay said. He felt their threat, yet a part of him was stranded in the past, wandering. Grodin had told them he was sorry before he'd died, as if were his fault.
"Have you forgotten them, too?" Zelenka asked.
"I'll never forget." he said, and went to the con, sunk into the seat, shoulders slumped. He urged out a trapped breath, gradually crossing into the present. "This isn't like me, is it? I mean, Beckett's watching me from out there like I'm about to bludgeon you or something."
Zelenka peeked over his glasses. "M.D.'s, you know them, always expecting worst. He's ready to drag you out of here, you know."
"He wouldn't, would he?" He blew warmth on his cold fingertips. "How'd this happen?" he said, smoothing them over his bottom lip.
"Happen to you, you mean. You've been confused, no more. Things will unmuddle themselves, very soon."
"Crap...as Sheppard would say. Tell me, why did I think it would work? Why didn't you stop me?"
"We agreed on the plan together." Zelenka pushed up his glasses. "It was good plan. These are desperate times. Dr. Grodin was aware of the dangers."
"Think so?"
"I know so," Zelenka said. "It's not in vain. One enemy ship is toast."
The satellite simulation hung in the air and McKay swung around and studied it. From the beginning, its many arms had reminded him of snow crystals formed into a spatial dendrite, its branches randomly spaced, unique and glistening under a microscope, just as fragile as the satellite itself, as Grodin's life. "What an exceptional scientist," he said, wondering how it all could've gone so wrong. "He managed to keep his cool, buy us some time."
"We'll make use of it." Zelenka watched the glowing data. "He'll be missed greatly. When this crisis has passed, we must give him proper remembrance."
McKay hesitated, his clarity of mind improving. There was something about Zelenka's pragmatism---and his unexpected, strong-armed persistence---which had pried him from his flustered mindset. Taking one last look at the satellite, he touched the con and with a simple mental command the VR display flicked off, disappearing with a series of short beeps and buzzes. In the ensuing silence, emptiness settled on them, heavy and inescapable, their eyes glued to the void left behind. They were still for a moment.
"We argued, you know," said McKay.
Zelenka shrugged. "You argue with everybody."
Miller entered and McKay heard him, turning. The lieutenant seemed to want to add a word to their conversation.
"Dr. McKay, sir," he said. "Remember when you fell, when Grodin initialized the gravity field?"
"Of course, the death-defying plunge."
"You hit pretty hard," Miller said. "But Dr. Grodin, he didn't jump in to help you."
McKay blinked, recalling the pain in his back and neck. "You helped me up."
"Yes sir. Because Dr. Grodin was sure you'd be fine. 'Just a bump', he told you."
"He apologized."
"Yes sir. And he didn't laugh either. See, he was sure you'd get up on your own. He knew you, figured he knew what you were made of."
"He was made of tough stuff," McKay said. "Tougher than me. Smarter too. You should've heard him, Radek, shooing us off like...like there ever actually was a chance."
"I can't imagine what it was like for him."
McKay picked up Zelenka's PDA and handed it to him. "I can," he said, noticing Sheppard and Beckett hovering impatiently, standing nearer than before. As Miller stepped out on the ramp, Rodney gave them all a wave and then spun round and powered down the Jumper. After shutting off the peripheral systems, he rose, adjusted the zipper on his jumpsuit and started out, stopping at the rear compartment to pick up Peter's flight bag.
Zelenka followed, waiting to see what Rodney would do.
"It's strange," McKay said. "Doesn't seem right somehow, to walk out of here. Without him, you know?" He looked to Peter's chair, draped with the blanket. "Do we just go on?"
"We go on. It's the best we can do. My grandparents, they saw death in the war, family and friends. For those lost people, they went on. To keep their spirit alive, they finished job of living."
McKay nodded, reeling in his grief. He wasn't going to mist-up, never in front of the guys. A crisis loomed; Peter's work remained incomplete. ___After it's done then___...but it still wasn't done. Damned if he was going to give up now. Exiting, he noted Carson's troops and the gurney across the bay, disapproving with a grunt. He headed toward the doorway, avoiding Beckett and Sheppard.
"Rodney?" Beckett said. "Is everything all right?"
He glanced at Zelenka and Zelenka gave the okay sign. "What're you all staring at me for?" McKay said. "I'm good." And he walked on, turning his back to them. Never in front of the guys. "We've got a job to do. Grodin would've done the same."
~~The End~~
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