Entertainment In A Lift
Entertainment In A Lift
by Ussshorty
Summary: Well you've heard of the 100 things to do in a lift. Well lets just say Teal'c and Jack decide to have some fun.
Category: Humor
Episode Related: Future Story
Season: future Season
Pairing: none
Rating: GEN
Warnings: minor language
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 2004-11-20
Ok, i just needed to do this. I got the idea from a csi miami site that im a member of but i decided to do it with stargate aswell. Enjoy !!!
Entertainment In A Crowded Lift.
Jack and Teal'c glanced at each other before walking into the lift with Sam and Daniel, Fully aware of what they had to do.
"Sir, are you ok? It's just you've been awfully quiet."
"Oh im great Carter. Hey how crowded do you think the lift is going to be?"
"Fairly crowded. Why?"
"Dr.Jackson, it is not of your concern."
Daniel looked at Sam and the conversation fell flat and it went back to silence until they got in the lift. Jack and Teal'c hung back a little before stepping into the lift.
"Here we go."
"Indeed."
(Inside the lift)
Jack looked as his first victim entered the lift, Lt.Graham Simmons. Jack put his hand out and Simmons just looked at it.
"Uh, sir?"
Jack took Simmons hand and shook it rapidly before letting go. Jack smiled as Graham went a bright berry red.
"Jack, are you ok?"
"Peachy Daniel."
Teal'c looked around for his victim and saw Walter heading right for the lift. Teal'c took a kleenix tissue out of his pocket and blew his nose.
"Good morning Sir's/Mam."
"Morning Walter."
Teal'c held the tissue infront of Walter and opened it. Walter looked uncomfortable.
"Teal'c, that's gross."
Sam winced her face as Daniel scolded Teal'c. Siler casually moved away from the Teal'c and to the furthest corner of the lift. More people casually gathered in the lift as Jack and Teal'c brainstormed their next ideas.
Jack opened his briefcase and took out a razor and some shaving foam. He then took out a mirror and gave it to Sam.
"Sir..."
"Shushh..im shaving."
All the passengers in the lift watched as their second in command and apparently respected colonel shaved his barely hairy face. Jack stopped shaving and snatched the mirror back from Sam, chucking it back in his briefcase.
"This G-string is really starting to hurt and stick up my bum."
Teal'c started to pull at his trousers. Jack bit his lip trying hard to hold back the laughter
"Ouch. That's much better."
Jack smiled and opened his briefcase once again and leaned in close to it.
"Got enough air in there little buddies."
Jack and Sam started to feel a little embarrassed and tried to ignore glances being sent their way as well as Jack's.
"Do you think he's ok?"
"If he keeps this up then he won't be ok by the time im through with him."
Teal'c offered a small smile and walked out of the lift.
"Teal'c!"
(10 minutes later)
"Hold the lift."
Teal'c ran into the lift dressed in a white robe. Jack looked at him confused. Teal'c raised his eyebrow in Jack's direction and removed his robe. Daniel and Sam put their hands up to their eyes.
"Umm...Teal'c why aren't you wearing clothes?"
"Do you not appreciate the beauty of one's body Major Carter. We did however come into the world naked."
Sam looked at Teal'c.
"What Sam means Teal'c is this really isn't the place you should be showing off your natural assets."
Jack broke down and fell into the corner of the lift in hysterics. The 8 people in the lift tried to divert their eyes but found they couldn't look away from the scene folding out in front of their eyes.
"Teal'c put your robe back on."
"As you wish O'neill."
Teal'c put the robe back on and tied it around him securely. Jack fell silent trying to think of something that would top Teal'cs act.
"You know me and Major Carter conceived a child right on that wall there."
Sam's mouth fell as everyone looked at the wall which Jack was pointing too. Jack looked at Graham.
"Best i've ever had."
Sam found everyone looking at her stomach.
"Im not pregnant. He's lying and nothing happened and trust me after that nothing will."
Sam glared at Jack. Daniel stepped back admiring Sam's stomach.
"Im not pregnant and if you keep looking then you will be joining the colonel in the infirmary."
Jack backed away behind Teal'c.
Teal'c looked at the floor and started stamping his foot.
"Die you Bastard! DIE !!!!!!"
Teal'c stopped stamping when he noticed everyone looking at him.
"There was a spider."
(Next Floor)
Jack smiled as more people stepped on the lift. He waited for the lift to close then took a deep breath....
"Yodelahi yodelahi, yodelahi he-ho."
Makepeace watched as Jack lifted his head and got louder then quiet.
"Jack, are you ok or have you finally lost the plot?"
"I haven't lost the plot. Why?"
"It's just not everyday you enter the lift Yodelling."
Teal'c coughed bringing attention to himself. Teal'c looked at one of Makepeace's marines and walked over to him.
"Do you want to be my friend Jones?"
"No i don't want to be your friend."
Teal'c looked at him and started to cry.
"I can't believe you wont be my friend. What have i ever done to you? No-one wants to be my friend. Oh it's over i tell you. OVER!"
Everyone sent death glares Jones' way.
"Im sorry sir. I'd love to be your friend. Please don't cry."
"Can i have a hug?"
Jones looked around the lift and saw everyone looking at him like he was a mean asshole.
"Umm...sure."
Jones went to hug Teal'c but Teal'c slammed him against the wall with a tight hug.
Jack pulled a tin of paint out of his briefcase and dipped a paintbrush into the sexy pink paint.
"Excuse me Carter?"
Sam moved out of the way and watched as Jack started painting the walls of the lift.
"The general is going to kill you."
"What he doesn't know, won't hurt him."
"He uses these lifts too."
Jack ignored Sam and continued painting the walls.
"Are you looking at me? ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME?"
Everyone's attention was brought to Teal'c shouting at a young nurse.
"Hey Teal'c"
Daniel pulled Teal'c to stand by him.
"What the hell is wrong with you two today?"
"Meow."
Daniel stopped shouting and looked at Teal'c.
"Jack, is that you?"
"Meow"
"Sir.."
"Meow."
Sam thumped Jack in the side.
"Me-Ow!"
Teal'c stood in the middle of the lift.
"Do you mind if i do my Eminem impression?"
Everyone nodded, not really caring after all they had been subjected to. Teal'c pulled a bag magically out of nowhere and out of it came a mask and a chainsaw.
"Umm, Daniel."
"Yeah?"
"Teal'c has a chainsaw."
All you could hear was the sound of a chainsaw starting up. Everyone backed up against a wall.
"What i am is whoever i say i am...Oh shit, my chainsaw's stopped."
"Now!"
Everyone knocked Teal'c over and stole Teal'cs chainsaw.
"Ok people."
Everyone turned to look at Jack who was dressed as a female flight attendant.
"Im Jack O'neill and i will be your flight attendant for the trip. Now incase of an emergency such as the lift breaking and plummiting to the ground then i suggest you stick your head between your legs and kiss your sweet sorry ass goodbye."
Everyone looked blank at him.
"Thank you for listening and please enjoy the trip."
(30 minutes later)
As the lift stopped on the ground after being stuck deliberately by Jack and Teal'c, everyone breathed a sigh of relief.
"Excuse me."
Jack pushed to the front and put his hands on the doors and tried to open them.
"Well, they sure as hell are sealed shut."
Jack tried harder but the doors opened naturally by themselves.
"Ooops!"
(General Hammond's Office)
"I have had a number of complaints off officers including Major Carter for your behaviour on the lift this morning."
"Our behaviour was normal today sir."
"Describing how your hung like a horse colonel is not a normal discussion in a lift."
Jack blushed a little.
"I believe i was normal General Hammond."
"Teal'c i had reports that you were trying to teach people moves from the Karma Sutra."
Teal'c nodded his head.
"I thought it was a good way to entertain people."
"Oh and colonel getting the lift stuck is not wise. There could of been an emergency."
"Well there wasn't"
The room fell silent whilst Hammond read through more complaints.
"Also Dr.Fraiser has had to perform a pregnancy test on Major Carter just to convince everyone and her father that she's not pregnant."
Jack giggled.
"Im not laughing Colonel. You are both dismissed and try to stay out of trouble."
Teal'c and Jack stood up.
"And Teal'c put some clothes on for godsake."
"Yes General Hammond."
"Oh and Colonel you can repaint the lift walls tomorrow."
"Yes sir."
(In The Lift - End Of The Day)
Daniel and Sam walked over to the lift only to be confronted with Jack and Teal'c standing in the lift.
"Im going to take the stars."
"No Guys. Please we've assured everyone that our funny 5 minutes is over and we are back to normal."
"Tealc?"
"Indeed"
Sam and Daniel got onto the lift with a couple of other people. Jack smiled at Teal'c as he walked over to the door and placed a box in the middle.
"Hey Carter."
"Yes sir?"
Jack edged towards the wall.
"Right up against this wall."
Sam stared at him then at the lift door opening and closing with the box in the middle.
"On second thoughts the stairs still sound good."
"I'll come with you Sam."
THE END !!!
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