Teal'c first discovered tabloid magazines when he found a rolled-up copy of The International Questioner in Sergeant Siler's toolbox.
It happened during those tedious three months when O'Neill was trapped on Edora. Major Carter spent her days - and most of her nights - working on the particle accelerator, while Daniel Jackson struggled with a backlog of translations, his dealings with the Edoran refugees, and his efforts to ensure that Major Carter did not drive herself into exhaustion. Teal'c did not resent their absent-minded neglect; he knew it only due to distraction and overwork. But he found himself missing O'Neill more keenly than ever.
General Hammond, of course, kept Teal'c well occupied. With the general's endorsement, he continued to offer training exercises in the gym to the members of the SGC, and he often accompanied other teams through the Stargate on missions. Nevertheless, as he paced the harshly-lit hallways after a session of kel'no'reem, Teal'c was all too aware that he had not seen the Tau'ri sun or moon or stars for weeks, and he found himself missing the sharp scent of Chulak's chilly nights with an intensity that surprised him.
On one of those nightly vigils of the SGC's lower levels, he came across Sergeant Siler balanced precariously on a ladder, struggling to repair a minor fault in the security system. Teal'c, pleased with even a minor distraction from his frustrated boredom, offered his assistance. He quite liked the taciturn sergeant, who handled the most bizarre circumstances with laconic aplomb, and he soon found himself working together with the man in companionable silence.
They were carefully replacing the sergeant's tools in his toolbox when Teal'c noticed the magazine tucked under the slots of screwdrivers.
"What is this, Sergeant Siler?" he asked curiously. His ingrained sense of privacy would not allow him to take remove the magazine and inspect it without permission, but he could not resist the question.
He was surprised to see a large grin spread across the man's face.
"Hasn't the colonel introduced you to tabloids yet, Teal'c? Ah..." Sergeant Siler flushed a little, no doubt remembering that O'Neill was not in a position to introduce Teal'c to anything. Then he recovered and took the magazine, unrolling it with a flourish. "I'm finished with it. Here, enjoy."
Teal'c blinked at the lurid colors and the screaming headline - TWO-HEADED BABY BORN IN KANSAS! - and accepted the gift with a courteous nod. He filed the term "tabloids" away in his head for future reference.
Back in his quarters, Teal'c perused the magazine with the same careful intensity that he invested in any new source of information. It did not take long for him to understand that the magazine's stories were little more than absurdist escapism, but he found himself charmed by the sheer magnitude of the effort invested into writing what every reader must recognize as lies. And in truth, was it so different from the exaggerated tales he had heard as a child of legendary Jaffa heroes, striding unscathed across the battlefields?
He was fascinated, too, at the obsession with the celebrities that provided the Tau'ri with their entertainment. These were human beings, with as many faults as the other people of Earth, if not more than their fair share. Yet the Tau'ri cheerfully placed them on pedestals of their own making, and worshiped their words and their actions... until they themselves tore those pedestals down, and threw the celebrities from their status of glory to suffer in ignominious obscurity.
It was a habit unique to the Tau'ri, and impossible to imagine among a population that was oppressed by the Goa'uld. Teal'c was pleased at this proof of independence that was simultaneously a quirk of foolishness among his adopted people, and by the time O'Neill returned to Earth, Teal'c was already a regular subscriber to a number of tabloid magazines.
It was some months later that O'Neill became the first of his teammates to learn of Teal'c's new source of entertainment, when he found the latest issue of The Planet lying on a shelf in Teal'c's spartan quarters.
"T! You're not actually reading this stuff, are you?"
"Indeed I am," Teal'c told him calmly. "These magazines often contain articles of great interest."
"But they're total nonsense," O'Neill complained, even as he took the magazine and started to flip idly through its pages. "I mean, look at these headlines, for crying out loud! 'Woman weds red-haired orangutan'?"
"I believe the orangutan in question was very well-read," Teal'c said, straight-faced.
O'Neill shot him a speaking look, and turned another page. "And this one, about... huh." He lapsed into silence as he read first one article, then another. Teal'c stood at parade rest and watched benignly.
Long minutes passed before O'Neill blinked and slapped the magazine back onto the shelf where he had found it. "Really stupid stuff," he muttered. He glanced at it sideways, then turned resolutely to Teal'c. "I came to tell you that we'll be heading out a little later than expected. Nineteen hundred okay with you?"
"That will be fine," Teal'c agreed, giving a slight nod of acquiescence. "I look forward to the experience."
"Yeah. This new steakhouse that Carter told me about. O'Malley's. Should be good stuff." O'Neill rocked back on his heels and quirked a grin. "Meet you at the elevators?"
"Indeed."
"Great! See you then!"
Teal'c did not fail to observe that as he strode from the room, O'Neill reached out a casual hand and retrieved the copy of The Planet for further perusal.
After that, it became customary for O'Neill to pick up Teal'c's latest tabloid magazine and complain loudly about its unrealistic false reporting, even as the issue in question somehow found its way into O'Neill's pocket so he could read it at his leisure. Teal'c did not mind this. After all, O'Neill usually left replacements behind. These ranged from MAD to People to The Simpsons Magazine to Victoria's Secret catalogs. This last, in particular, had proved of great interest, and Teal'c ordered several items to present to Drey'auc on his next journey to the Land of Light.
Of course, he always made sure to finish reading the tabloids himself before leaving them where O'Neill could find them....
Major Carter's reaction to Teal'c's reading material, on the other hand, was a mixture of embarrassment and amusement.
"Of all the stupid Earth customs, Teal'c," she chuckled, dangling his latest copy of Moon from fastidious fingertips. "I admit that they're so ridiculous they're funny, but can't we find you something better to read?"
"I find them quite enjoyable," he assured her. He took the tabloid from her and laid it carefully on the shelf, next to an older copy of Sonar that O'Neill had not yet taken. "These magazines provide an interesting perspective on the Tau'ri."
"Interesting, yes. That's a good way to put it." She cocked her head to one side, surveying the shelf with a dubious twist to her lips. "There's a lot more out there that makes good reading, you know."
"Indeed?" Teal'c raised an eyebrow at her.
"Yes." Major Carter nodded firmly. "I'm sure I can find something that you'll enjoy more than this!"
And so the game began. Teal'c began to find different magazines in odd places: on a shelf in his locker, in the drawer of his bedside table, tucked inside a box of candles that Sergeant Siler delivered to his door. Major Carter chose publications that catered to a variety of subjects: American Art Review, Air and Space, Better Homes and Gardens, Popular Mechanics, GQ, Smithsonian. Teal'c read them all, and enjoyed them, but continued to subscribe to a number of tabloids, deliberately perusing them in Major Carter's presence.
He also began to leave her little gifts in return. She discovered a copy of Popular Science lying on her chair in her office, the latest issue of Discover in the pocket of her freshly laundered BDU jacket, and a subscription to Scientific American arriving in her SGC mailbox. When Daniel Jackson expressed his bewilderment at her sudden choice of reading materials that were designed to educate the general public on a level of understanding far beneath her own, Major Carter only laughed and refused to explain further.
She declared Teal'c to be the victor of their little contest when she opened the web browser on her computer and found that the home page had been changed to Freefall. In acknowledgement of a game well-played, she gifted him with a year's subscription to Star Wars Insider, and procured tickets for the entire team to watch the premiere of Attack of the Clones. Teal'c's disappointment in the movie did nothing to lessen his appreciation for the gesture and the gift.
Daniel Jackson's reaction to Teal'c's tabloid subscriptions was most entertaining of all. For nearly three months, Teal'c maintained the charade of actually believing the news articles that graced National Tester and Weekly Worldly Intelligence. Daniel Jackson, horrified at the misconception that Teal'c so carefully encouraged, expended great effort in trying to convince Teal'c that the tabloids were composed of blatant fabrications.
Teal'c absorbed the series of impassioned diatribes with unruffled calm, listening politely to Daniel Jackson's lectures on the insidious impact of false reporting, the urgent need for accuracy to influence a person's concept of the forces of history, and the lowest common denominator of popular culture. On one such occasion, O'Neill wandered past in time to overhear the conversation, and he brightly inquired how tabloid magazines might differ from mythology. Teal'c, as always, was both fascinated and amused at O'Neill's casual, consistent ability to reduce Daniel Jackson to almost apoplectic incoherence.
The game did end eventually. Teal'c was alone with him in the exercise room, changing for their weekly routine, when Daniel Jackson suddenly halted mid-sentence and looked at him. Teal'c returned the gaze with a benign lift of the eyebrow. For nearly a minute, the two men simply stared at one another. Then Daniel Jackson gave a reluctant laugh and threw his hands into the air.
"You knew all along!" he accused.
"Indeed?" Teal'c replied, maintaining a façade of polite innocence.
"Yes, indeed!"
Teal'c tucked his hands behind his back. "I spent decades learning that Apophis' claims of omnipotence and omniscience were falsehoods. Such an experience does cultivate a healthy skepticism towards outlandish claims."
"Fair enough," Daniel Jackson conceded. "I should have realized that from the start." He gave Teal'c an apologetic nod, then suddenly frowned, his own brows drawing together in thought. "But if you know they're absolute dreck, Teal'c, why do you keep reading them?"
Teal'c tilted his head to the right, considering the question. "Why do you keep a copy of Wallis Budge's translation of The Book of the Dead in your office?" he asked in return.
Daniel Jackson blinked at the question, then laughed again - this time, with wholehearted amusement.
After that, the two of them often read the tabloids together. Teal'c discovered that he enjoyed analyzing the stories with Daniel Jackson, trying to determine what grain of truth might lie smothered beneath the lurid articles. Their theories were often as exaggerated and elaborately false as the tabloids themselves, but Teal'c found that the discussions granted him a great deal of insight - not only into the world of the Tau'ri, but into the mindset of his teammate as well.
The thirty-volume set of encyclopedias that Teal'c found in his room one day was not quite as entertaining as the tabloids, but he enjoyed it nonetheless.
When Daniel Jackson returned to them after his descension with his memories frayed and tattered, Teal'c planned a pilgrimage to Graceland during their granted downtime. O'Neill would enjoy it as much as he, and Major Carter would be entertained by the spectacle, even if she found it ridiculous. And perhaps Daniel Jackson would remember the many hours they had spent in companionship, ridiculing the worship of self-created gods on pedestals of celebrity status... especially if Teal'c purchased a copy of The International Questioner as reading material on the way.
Heliopolis Main Archive
A Stargate: SG-1 Fanfiction Site
Alphabet Soup
by Fig NewtonKapitel Bemerkung:
For Teal'c Alphabet Soup. Teal'c has fun with the team and tabloids. Slight spoilers for One Hundred Days and Fallen.Kapitel Abschlussbemerkung:
1. While the mainstream magazines mentioned here are real, the tabloids are all parody titles. Feel free to guess the originals.2. The odds that the orangutan in question said "Ook" instead of "I do" are a million to one. (But it might just work!)
3. Freefall comics can be read here.
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