Title: Keep Breathing
Author: Crystal Pittman-Scott
Summary: "All we can do is keep breathing."
Rated: Older Kids
Category: Angst, H/C, Sam and Jack, episode tag.
Spoilers: "Heroes Part Two". Can't think of any others.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Ingrid Michaelson is the rightful owner of the song "Keep Breathing".
Status: Complete
Archive: Just let me know first.
Feedback: Please!! mtrainiergirl05@yahoo.com
Authors Notes: I have been playing this fic out in my mind for awhile now. Its not beta'd but it has been spell checked. Be kind. Its my first fic in quite awhile. :-D
Keep Breathing
Crystal Pittman-Scott
//"Sir. I heard you were up and around." I say as I peek into the room.
"Yeah ... err... still a little tender but they said I could go home." he said as he pulled his T-shirt down over his bandages.
"We're lucky that staff blast hit you where it did. That new vest inserts works well."
"Didn't help Fraiser much."
I took a deep breath and let out a quiet "no".
We stand there for a couple minutes before he grabs his jacket and asks "How's Cassie?".
"She's a strong kid, she survives ... you know."
"Yeah." He puts his jacket on and looks at me. "You speaking at the memorial?"
I nodded, taking a deep breath before I spoke. Before I lost my courage. "Sir ... I ... I just wanted to say...when you were lying there I ..." I looked away, fighting back tears that threatened to fall. "I'm really glad you're okay." *Great, I'm crying now.* Jack moved closer to me, slowly, and I glance at him."
"C'mere.", he says as he pulls me tightly to him...//
I replay this scene in my head hundreds of times. Janet's memorial service last week went well and I'm still grateful to Teal'c for his words. Cassie left yesterday afternoon to return to school with promises that she would be okay and would call if she needed anything. I think she was lying but I'm not sure. She's one strong girl. I took a few weeks leave, deciding that I had a lot to work through. Losing Janet, almost losing the Colonel. *Almost being killed by one of those damned Super Soldiers* my brain interrupts me. I sigh and toss the throw that I was using. I get up and stretch and decide that maybe I should eat something. The day passed me by too quickly and I realized I had been sitting in the dark at my house for awhile now.
I make my way into my kitchen and decide on making a sandwich. I'm not really hungry but I know that I better eat something. Just as I finish making my sandwich and putting things away, I hear my doorbell ring. I stand in my kitchen and hope that whoever it is will just decide to leave. I hear the lock start to turn and realize that they aren't leaving and also figure out who my guest is. He walks through the house to the only room with the light on: the kitchen.
"Hey." he says quietly. "Sorry I let myself in, but I needed to see you and..."
"And?"
"I didn't see any lights on so I didn't want to wake you by ringing the doorbell over and over." He knows his reasoning is pathetic but I see a glimmer of something in his eyes that tells me he doesn't want to be alone. He shuffles his feet and then motions to the door. "I'm sorry. I should go."
I grab a hold of his arm before he can leave and shake my head. "No, stay. I was just making dinner," I say as I gesture to my sandwich. "I could make one for you too."
He nods his head. "That would be nice." He takes his jacket off and folds it over the bar stool and stands there as I get the sandwich makings back out. "How are you holding up?"
I tense a bit as I put the turkey on to the bread. I settle on my standard response, "I'm fine," and continue on making his dinner. When I finish, I grab a couple sodas and gesture to the living room. He follows me slowly, and once we reach the room I start turning on some lights.
We eat our meal in silence, both lost in our respective thoughts. He finishes his sandwich first and sits the plate on the coffee table and grabs the remote. He holds it up wordlessly and I nod my head yes and he turns on the television. He flips through the channels and frustrated when he finds nothing, turns the set off. I finish my sandwich and place my plate on his and sit there looking at him.
"So..." I say trying to start the conversation. He looks at me and sits back down on the couch next to me, closer than he was before. He is wringing his hands, something I have *never* seen him do in our 7 years together. I reach over and grasp one of his hands to still him. "You can talk to me."
He sighs, "I know. I just...I don't know where to start." He leans back on the couch so that we are shoulder to shoulder, not looking at each other, but he's still holding my smaller hand in his larger one. "I miss her. I mean, I miss her more than I thought I would. And I feel horrible for Cassie. Hell even for Daniel. But at the same time..."
"At the same time what?"
He takes my chin in his hand and turns me to look into my eyes with an honesty that I've seen before but still manages to take the breath out of me. "At the same time, I'm just glad it wasn't you."
//The storm is coming but I don't mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.
All that I know is I'm breathing now//
I'm not sure what to say to that. I feel the same way but we aren't supposed to feel this way. I tighten my grip on his hand as I respond. "I'm glad it wasn't you, either." I look down at our joined hands before I continue. "I don't know what I'd have done if I'd have lost you." Damn it. I feel my tears well up in my eyes and I start chanting my mantra that I've gotten good at. *do not cry. do not cry. do not cry.*
"Sam," he says as he pulls me to look at him again. That tiny gesture did it. I let out a sob and start to cry again. "C'mere," he tells me and I lean into his embrace. He holds me tightly and I cry into his neck. We stay that way for awhile until my tears finally dry up. I pull from his embrace and he hands me some tissue from behind him. I wipe my eyes, all the while avoiding his gaze. "Feel better?"
I finally look back at him. "I'm sorry, Sir. I don't know what came over me."
"Carter...Sam. Don't apologize. You needed that. In some way, I needed that." He stands back up and walks to my window, looking out. "I don't know if I can keep doing it."
I watch him, wanting to go to him, to comfort him as he did me, but I can't. "Keep doing what, Sir?"
"This," he says as he turns back to me. "I don't know if I can keep denying everything. These last few weeks have been hell, Sam. I've almost lost you twice in the last few months and I can't keep doing this."
I look back at my hands, not sure what he means. "I'm not sure I understand."
"I care about you." He runs his hand through his graying hair and sighs. "I know you know that. But the problem is, its gone much further than that and I'm afraid to say what I really feel."
I look back up at him, wondering if he's saying what I think he's saying. He meets my eyes and sure enough, there it is. Plain as day. I let out a gasp and a soft, "Oh God."
"I think I should really go now. I shouldn't have come over." He starts to make an exit for the second time this evening. By the time he comes back to the foyer with his jacket, I make my decision. I stand up as he starts for the door.
"Jack." One word. Just his name and I've conveyed my feelings. He knows it when he hears it and looks to me. I plead silently with him and he understands. He tosses his jacket on the chair and envelops me in his embrace. He's holding much like he was after Janet died last week. I finally feel safe. I feel at ease. I realize this is what I've needed since that day. I sigh as his hands start to run up and down my back slowly.
//I want to change the world...instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.
But all that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now//
We stay in our embrace for a few more minutes before I notice a slight change in his breathing. He leans back a bit and takes my face in his hands. He's looking at me with a look that I've only dreamed of seeing from him. One that says everything and more. Before I realize what I'm doing, I slowly lean closer to him, barely brushing my lips to his. Its a chaste kiss. One that couldn't possibly be construed as anything but comfort between friends. Its the response from him after that changes that. His eyes start to relay something more. Desire. Need. Wants.
He's kissing me now for all he's worth and God help me, I'm responding. My hands move up to his neck and I hold tightly because if I let go, I'm going to fall to the floor in a boneless heap. His hands are pressing my body into his and I let out a gasp. He stops then to look back at me.
"You okay?"
"Yeah." Understatement of the year. "Jack...I..."
He presses his finger to my lips and quiets me. "I know."
I look into his eyes and say the one word that's going to get us into trouble. "Stay."
He's shocked, to say the least. "Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"What about Pete?" Always the practical one, isn't he.
"Over." Way to go, Carter. Your C.O. has reduced you, the brilliant scientist to one syllable responses with just one kiss.
"This will change it all. I don't want to go back to how we were before tonight."
"I love you." I just said it. I can't believe I just said it. I'm pretty sure he feels the same too but way to jump the gun.
"I love you too." He holds me to him again and I hear his heartbeat under my ear. "I will do whatever it takes for this to work. I hope you know that. I won't let this tarnish your record."
"We can still work together."
"One day at a time. If it starts to affect work, I want you to know that I plan to retire. The SGC needs your brain more than they do mine."
I laugh softly at his reply. "You underestimate yourself, Sir."
"Its Jack, Sam." He pulls me back and leans in to kiss me again.
"Jack." I say after we break our kiss. Its now or never. "Come to bed with me."
"Are you sure?" At my nod, he takes my hand and follows me to my bedroom. He removes his shoes and his jeans, leaving his T-shirt and boxers on, as I turn down the covers. We slide in and instantly find ourselves together. He's holding me tightly to his chest, his arm draped over my stomach, lightly tracing circles. Our legs intertwine and I feel his breath on my neck.
"Thank you." I say after a bit.
"For what?"
"For being here for me as well. For loving me."
"Always." he replies before he kisses me in such away that I'm glad I'm lying down because otherwise I'd have fallen. He holds me tighter to him. "We can make it through all of this."
"I know."
"We'll be okay."
"We will."
"There's still so much more to say."
I grasp his hand and lace our fingers together. "Tomorrow."
"Goodnight Sam." he says quietly before he's dozing. I'll bet that this is the first night he's slept since Janet died. He's right. We still have so much more to discuss but tonight all we can do is keep breathing.
//All that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.//
End.
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