***
Though much is taken, much abides.
--Alfred, Lord Tennyson
There was an unlocked door on Level 21.
Level 21, Corridor C-West. His memory easily associated a function for the room beyond the unsecured door. A storage area for offworld items. It remained locked at all times, except during the routine maintenance performed every seven days between 0800 and 1000. A quick inspection of the interior of the storage room revealed nothing out of place. Consequently, he locked the door once more and made a note to speak of the breach with the sergeant in charge of Security.
And Teal'c moved on to the next level.
Each night he spent in the compound, he performed the same circuit. He patrolled the lower, more crucial levels of the SGC after emerging from Kelno'reem, paying particular attention to Level 28 and the sensitive laboratories and workspaces of Levels 20 to 23. Then he secured the armory and took a meal in the commissary before continuing with a sweep of the upper levels on the return trip to his quarters.
It was a good routine--efficient, thorough, considered, satisfying. Comforting in his self-imposed isolation, after the loss by his own hand of everything he had ever known. And he was grateful for it, for the opportunity to serve this base in even small ways. Because deep in the night, with no tasks to perform and no responsibilities to concern himself with, old demons could rise to haunt his thoughts. Demons which had chased him from Chulak all the way to this new home. Demons which screamed and tore at him in the silence of inactivity. And so he had created his own ritual of work, unknown even to his commander, to occupy the long hours between Kelno'reem and the start of the new day.
Between darkness and light.
He navigated with ease the familiar hallways of the compound tonight. He knew the SGC intimately, with the familiarity of long acquaintance. As he walked it, it became his comrade, understanding his needs and torments as only another warrior could.
The base was never truly empty--even in the 'graveyard' hours, as the Tau'ri morbidly called them--and he was far from alone as he moved from level to level. He nodded to the guards stationed at their posts and received the gesture in return in mutual understanding. He passed the laboratories and offices where scientists could be found at all times of the day or night operating their experiments and conducting the limitless research Stargate travel necessitated. He was greeted by the SG units returning from or leaving for missions, their schedules at the mercy of the cycles of various planets and the needs of those missions. He heard the familiar noise coming from DoctorFraiser's people as they tended to the medical needs of the facility, either busy with unforeseen emergencies or working on things postponed by earlier such crises. He passed by the bunkrooms currently occupied by soldiers or scientists who, for many reasons, could not return to their homes for sleep. He noted with special attention the one of these into which he had witnessed GeneralHammond retire just a few hours ago, looking weary.
Finally making his way to the commissary, he returned his attention to his own needs. Refreshed from an especially long period of Kelno'reem, he had awakened to find it late enough he had missed the meal prepared by the Tau'ri kitchen staff for those who were on the base during the night. It would not by any means be the first of such occurrences, however, and so he often found SergeantRobinson would store a plate of food for him. She would laugh and tell him that 'aliens fly under the accounting radar', which he never comprehended. But he appreciated her consideration, nonetheless.
What he did not expect was to find CaptainCarter seated at a small table near the back of the room, a steaming cup of something in front of her. Although they were the only ones in the dining area, she did not acknowledge his presence as he arrived. He wondered for a brief moment if he should take the silence as her request for privacy. Teal'c was aware of many attempts to assist her since her possession by Jolinar of Malkshur, all of which had met with little success. He himself had stayed away, knowing what he represented with his very nature.
His arrival was noted by SergeantRobinson in the adjacent kitchen area, who smiled and produced a covered plate from a shelf behind her. Accepting it, he was unsure what he should do next. Deliberately ignoring his teammate was a distasteful idea. However, she also deserved to have her desire for solitude respected.
Thankfully, she ended his dilemma herself. "Hey, Teal'c." She gestured limply toward the chair opposite her.
Teal'c moved over to her table, setting his food down. As he sat down facing her, he noted she continued to look very unhealthy. Exceptionally tired, pale, eyes red-rimmed, clothes unkempt. In addition was the haunted and worn look she had carried for two days now.
"CaptainCarter."
"You're up late."
The Tau'ri propensity for engaging in 'small talk' was well known by Teal'c. He failed to understand their need to state the obvious, but did not let this confusion stop him from adapting to their ways.
"As are you."
She shrugged. Moved her mug around in a lazy circle, watching the moisture ring develop. "Couldn't sleep. I just really needed to get out of there, you know?"
Teal'c did not know. But he did not tell this to CaptainCarter. His usually passionate and energetic young teammate seemed particularly fragile tonight. Breakable and tenuous. It was a very strange thing. Although she was the first female warrior with whom he had ever served, he rarely--if ever--considered her any differently than the rest of SG-1. Or indeed, even in a manner different from any other warrior he had known. But tonight those differences were striking, conspicuous as she sat curled around herself alone in the middle of the night. He was worried for her in ways he had never before been.
"I did not believe DoctorFraiser would allow you to leave so quickly."
CaptainCarter smiled wanly. "She doesn't know. I made a jail break."
"I was unaware you were being held as a prisoner." His attempt to lighten her mood utterly failed. She was apparently unaware of, or unamused by, his humor. It was yet another thing he had become accustomed to while living among the Tau'ri.
"No. Not exactly. That place, though, it just kept reminding me of...it all."
"This has been a most painful experience for you."
She nodded slowly, not looking directly at him.
"I understand."
She pulled one leg up to prop it on her chair and leaned forward to rest her chin on it, hair falling into her eyes. She was so young a warrior to be forced to bear so much.
"Is there any way I can assist you?"
She shook her head, still not looking at him.
Teal'c considered her carefully. It had been two days, and she was still obviously troubled by the events which had occurred. However, if she was not prepared to discuss it, forcing her to would do no good. It might, in fact, make the situation worse. Alternatively, denying her obvious need had just as much potential for damage. In the end, he simply waited. Remained available but nonthreatening. Behind him, he heard a pair of scientists enter and pour coffee for themselves. Teal'c watched CaptainCarter's eyes self-consciously follow their movements until they left--still deep in discussion--as oblivious as they had entered.
In the short silence that followed, he sensed her gathering her thoughts about her. He waited with all the patience years of training and self-discipline had accorded him. Waited to see where she would lead them.
"I feel violated," she finally began.
The room shimmered and Teal'c was back in the chamber of Apophis, helplessly forced to watch host after host be invaded by larvae--their graceless, pallid bodies crudely hunting for the softest, supple skin to force themselves into. The screams of the slaves were deafening. Their piercing shrieks crawled up his spine time after time as he stood rigid and silent, unable to let even the smallest trace of his hatred and shame show. His very life depended such strength of will each time he was forced to partake in such a defiling of innocent lives.
Until the moment came after a lifetime of betrayal when he could stand the slaughter and abuse no more, and death became preferable to enduring it any longer.
He had not died that day, but neither had he left the screams behind.
He shook his head slightly to banish the memory. CaptainCarter was speaking again. "I could see you guys, you know that? I was there, the whole time."
Teal'c had suspected. Although he had never spoken with a former host, it seemed impossible the invaded human would not be aware of what had been done to him. Or her. It was blasphemy among servants of the Goa'uld, he knew. But he had looked into the eyes of the gods and seen the slaves trapped forever behind them.
"I saw it all. The colonel, Daniel, the general, you. Oh god, Cassandra." She squeezed her eyes shut, as though that would block the memories she was battling. "The Gate room. I nearly blew us all up. I could have killed you."
"Jolinar threatened to explode the grenade. Not you," he reminded her. It was only natural her perspective would be sorely impaired in this matter. Normally she was a woman of immense logic and discernment, and he appealed to those things now.
"Right." She sounded unconvinced.
"Did you assist Jolinar?"
"What? No, of course not. I mean, I couldn't do anything. Not a single damn thing."
"Then you have no responsibility for that which you could not alter. The fault lies solely with Jolinar."
"I know. But that doesn't make it any better. I just..." She held out a hand and stared at it. "It *was* me, Teal'c. My hands, my eyes, my words. I know it wasn't me, but I can't help it--it *was me*, at the same time. Do you have any idea what that's like? To feel yourself saying, doing things and not have any control over them? Do you?"
"I do not."
"Of course not. How can anyone even imagine that?"
Teal'c just nodded, certain she was not really speaking to him. He was merely a witness to what she needed to say aloud.
"It invaded my memories. Sifted around in them. Like it was sorting through old pictures, discarding some and pulling some out. I could feel it. Dammit, they were mine! And it just took them. Stole them. Then used them to try to convince you guys."
She stopped, her eyes filling up, and took a deep breath. Her face twisted in concentration, Teal'c watched her struggle to contain the emotions to which she was unwilling to give free vent, no matter how desperately she needed to.
"God, do you know what it said to Daniel? It used...her. Bastard. And Cass. It...I...said I was going to kill her. *Kill her*. She's eleven, for god's sake! I hated it for doing the things it did to my friends. To me."
"Your friends understand this. No one but yourself holds you responsible for what Jolinar did."
"I tried." She did not seem to have heard him at all, her focus nowhere in the room. "I tried so hard. Tried to make it stop, to get control. But I couldn't. Couldn't stop any of it. Dammit, I couldn't even help myself!"
Teal'c allowed her frustration and anger to wash over him unchecked. As her friend, he refused to shrink back from what she needed from him. Sadly, this was far from the worst offense he had witnessed or partaken of. Crimes in forms of which he could hardly speak. Sins this young woman could not even imagine. He could make no sufficient penance for so much suffering, but he had pledged his life to the effort. Sometimes his reparations were large and sometimes very small. Tonight, it would be nothing more than being the outlet this victim so desperately needed.
"You were a tool for the Goa'uld. It is no shame."
"I'm sorry," she whispered. Drew the other leg up and wrapped herself around them. She sniffed again, visibly fortifying her resources. "I know it's crazy to be so--"
"Do not fight this, CaptainCarter," he stopped her before she could continue denying what she needed. It was not helpful. "You *were* violated by Jolinar, in both mind and body. No less so than any attack, any offense to your person. In fact, it is worse. There is nothing which could ever have prepared you for what happened. Do not be afraid to feel what you do. Do not be afraid to let your friends see."
Now a single tear streaked almost unnoticed down the side of her nose. She wiped at it absently, focused on the table's surface. "It wasn't like I was..." She trailed to a stop, refusing to finish the statement.
But Teal'c understood the unspoken thought. "That would not be an incorrect comparison. There is no more intimate a violation to suffer."
"I can't even look at them. After everything that happened. I look at Daniel and I just see...Sha're. I know now. I know how horrible it is for her. I'm afraid he's going to see it, gonna know. *Really* know. I don't want to do that to him, to make it worse."
"DanielJackson does not need protection." Teal'c himself had struggled in the same way upon finding out who the host he chose for Amaunet was.
"It's everyone. I saw it--the loathing, the fear--in everyone's faces. Cassandra. She was so scared. Afraid of me, Teal'c. Everyone was. The airmen. The general. Colonel O'Neill. You. I was the enemy. I know. I saw the look--the hatred--in their eyes." She looked up at him. "In yours."
Teal'c could not deny the accusation entirely. She was indeed correct in her assessment of his dealings with the Goa'uld. Teal'c had served the gods too long not to be able to face an enemy in any form it might take. He did not regret that, but he did regret it had hurt his friend. "You are incorrect. For you, there was nothing but concern. Only Jolinar was an enemy."
"I don't know where it...he...ends and I begin. And if I can't trust me, I can't expect anyone else to. No one can."
"That is a false assumption."
"Teal'c," she chided, as though explaining matters to a young child. "You know better than any of us what this means. Look at Kowalsky. We thought it was over, that he was back. But he wasn't. How can any of us be sure? Even he didn't know. I'm a liability now, an unknown variable."
"You are not."
She did not respond.
"CaptainCarter," Teal'c waited until she looked up at him in response. "You are a formidable warrior. I understood this from the beginning." Teal'c remembered the strange young woman to whom he relinquished his weapon upon first entering the SGC compound. There had been no words, no promises, no reassurances. And yet, he put himself entirely into her hands without reservation. Mutual respect between equals had been shared in the midst of chaos. And it was enough. It remained so. "We have placed our lives in your hands on many occasions. And we will continue to do so. Who you are has not changed because of what you suffered. Jolinar is no more."
"There's too much we don't know about this, about the repercussions. I've been compromised, whatever its motives were or weren't. You can't be sure of me. I can't even be sure of me."
"I can."
"I wish I could believe that."
"Do you believe I would lie to you, CaptainCarter?"
"No...."
"And I am not now. If there existed any uncertainty about you in my mind, I assure you I would not be here. Your loyalty is not questioned among those who know you."
"We *have* to question it. It's not about me wanting to; it's about not being in control of myself." She was talking fast now, in her earnestness. "There's too much riding on us out there to just think things are all fine, that this won't affect anything."
"Then it is a risk your friends will accept."
"You don't understand." She sighed in frustration. "It's not just that. I'm not sure how I feel about...it. I don't really hate it. Do you get it? It's a Goa'uld, and I don't hate it. I want to. Believe me, I do. But I can't. It saved my life right there, at the end. I felt it happen--it...Jolinar...let go so I didn't die with it. It pulled out and then there just wasn't anything there in my mind. And it wasn't lying about the Tok'ra, you know. About fighting the Goa'uld. Dammit, I can't even hate that thing properly! The son of a bitch even took *that* from me, do you understand?"
"I do." The larva--Junior, as O'Neill had inexplicably begun calling it--stirred restlessly. It was only now completing a healing of the effects of his exposure to an unidentified chemical compound earlier in the day through some artifacts brought back by SG-8. He turned his mind briefly inward to calm it.
When he looked up again, he found CaptainCarter scrutinizing him. It made him feel uneasy--vulnerable--around her for the first time in their acquaintance. She seemed to consider him for a long moment before her eyes flicked toward the kitchen behind him and quickly back. She lowered her voice yet again. "I feel...strange, Teal'c. There's this unbelievable sense of," she paused, closing her eyes and biting her bottom lip--perhaps searching her extraordinary mind for words to describe that which defies description, "loss." Her face reddened with an emotion Teal'c could only identify as embarrassment. "Like...I lost something and I don't even know what it is."
This Teal'c understood, in a manner no one else on this planet could. "That is only natural. There is no equivalent in human experience with which to compare what happened to you, to describe the relationship between host and symbiote. The two become inextricably interconnected."
She nodded eagerly, betraying the obvious relief of unexpected understanding. "It's like losing an arm or a leg. Phantom sensation, you know? I can still feel it. Feel it in my mind."
"You will continue to do so for some time. The presence of the Goa'uld will remain embedded in your mind and body while it adjusts to the absence."
"I don't know what this means for me."
"It is a normal part of the process," he assured her. "You will recover."
"Is this what it's like for you? Is...it," she nodded toward the larval pouch, "...there, inside your mind?"
"Not precisely." How could he describe it in a context the Tau'ri could even comprehend? "I do not share the same conscious connection to the symbiote. But yes, it is comparable."
She shivered and pulled tighter around herself. Became somehow smaller. "I had no idea."
"No one who has not shared the experience would."
"It disgusts me. To feel like I miss it in some sick way."
An unbidden memory surfaced at her words. "When my first symbiote larva matured, I was but a young Jaffa. There was an ancient ceremony, and the symbiote was removed." He could still feel the warm sun of the Chulak summer, hear the rustle of tent fabric floating in the breeze, soft chanting and carefully-intoned rites. But stronger, livid memories intruded upon the scene. "I had never experienced feelings such as I had at the moment of separation. I felt... abandoned. I knew of the lies, the treachery, the evil of the Goa'uld. Centuries of slavery, of exploitation and domination. And yet I was incomplete without the symbiote. Without this child of false gods, of murderers and thieves. It was not merely my body's physical dependence, but a stronger, deeper need buried in my very being. I was... revolted. Ashamed." Teal'c shuddered at the agony he could still remember as if it were only a moment ago. The first of many tortures to be endured by that young and inexperienced child he had once been. "I truly understood the depth of my people's slavery on that day."
She was crying silently as he finished--small, unnoticed tears that escaped her determination. Teal'c was not certain she was even aware of them. He did not acknowledge it at all, in deference to her dignity. Instead, he leaned toward her across the short distance of the table's surface, commanding her attention and further closing their circle of privacy. "You are not alone." He spoke carefully, evenly, so she would not fail to miss the point. It was without doubt a pathetically insufficient offering, but also the only one he had.
They sat quietly for a time. CaptainCarter did not respond--indeed, made no move or sound--and Teal'c was worried he had made a grave error in judgment. Perhaps he had upset her further by sharing his personal grief. It had been a calculated risk between offering understanding and adding to the burden she already carried.
Finally, she drew one hand up to scrub wearily at her eyes and asked in a shallow voice, "How do you do it? Live with that. All this time, day after day."
"It is not easy. There is no day which passes when it does not require effort. But if I cannot accept this dependence, I cannot serve my people. Or the people of your world now. I cannot fight the Goa'uld--I cannot destroy them--unless I am able to live with who I am and what has been done to me. To me, that is worth whatever is necessary. There remains purpose for the battle I wage within myself."
"You're the strongest person I've ever met, Teal'c. I could never do what you do."
"You are already."
She shook her head in silent disagreement.
"Yes," he insisted. "Do not doubt your own strength."
"I'm not feeling so strong about this."
"You *will* overcome it." There was never any question in his mind as to her success. If only he could convey that in his words so she would believe as he did. These Tau'ri--they never understood their own potential. Never saw their own gifts, believed in their own strengths. Either they expected too little of themselves or they expected the impossible.
She sniffed heartily. "I just don't know what to do now."
Teal'c did.
He stood up and walked across the room. Inside the adjoining kitchen, SergeantRobinson was preparing coffee to replenish the container the SGC personnel seemed to empty continuously. He made his request of her and waited patiently as she searched for it. When she returned, what she had found was quite sufficient. He took the plate offered and returned to the table where CaptainCarter was blowing her nose on a napkin.
He set the plate in front of her.
"What's this?"
"Chocolate raspberry cake, I believe."
"Yeah. I, uh--" Unfolding herself from the hunched position she had maintained for the duration of their conversation, she pushed the plate back with a grimace. "I can't."
"You asked what it is you do now."
"Yeah...?"
"This is what you do."
She stared at the plate, with its slice of dark cake surrounded by pooling chocolate sauce. Back up at Teal'c. "It's not that simple."
"It is not," he agreed. "But it is a place at which to begin."
As he watched her consider his words, the silence was interrupted.
"Sam. There you are."
Teal'c turned to find DoctorFraiser standing in the doorway, wearing a familiar look of displeasure and concern. The small doctor could be an impressive force when she desired, something Teal'c had learned from experience. It was no surprise she was among the warriors Earth had selected to defend and represent itself. If CaptainCarter was, in fact, here without permission, Teal'c had no doubt she would be back in the doctor's care very quickly.
"Hey, Janet." CaptainCarter hurriedly wiped at her eyes. Teal'c handed her his napkin, which she took eagerly to clear away the remnants of her pain that littered her face.
"What are you doing out of bed?"
"I just needed some air."
DoctorFraiser considered her. Calculating and observing, as was her duty. "You really shouldn't be up and around yet." It was a gentle reprimand, the manner of a friend rather than an objective physician. It was something he had come to appreciate in the woman assigned to care for those he cared about.
"That's okay. I'm done."
In response, DoctorFraiser looked inquisitively at her, then at Teal'c--her face a mix of suspicion and sympathy. "You sure?"
CaptainCarter nodded. "Yeah. I'm sure." She pushed back her chair and stood up, stuffing the wadded napkin into her pocket as she walked around the table toward the door. Teal'c could not help but be saddened by the tiredness and awkwardness of her shuffling movements, usually so fluid and graceful in the way of women of all worlds.
Unexpectedly, she stopped just inside the entryway. Stood for a moment with her back to Teal'c. Then, leaving a very confused doctor holding the door, she turned and came back across the room. She picked up the plate of cake from the table, laying one hand softly on Teal'c's shoulder as she did so. "Thank you." It was hardly more than a breath in his ear as she passed him--a whisper, barely audible even in the quiet room. A secret shared between them.
He looked up at the quiet statement. Regret and sorrow still burned in her tired eyes, but she no longer seemed discomfited by their presence. It was progress. "You are welcome."
Teal'c watched them leave, no further words said on the subject. Knowing his team as he did, he knew there might be no further discussion of this between them. Or there might be much. Either way, it did not matter. If his presence here tonight had served to assuage any at all of her fears and pain, it was enough.
He settled back to finish his own meal. Then he would patrol the upper floors of the base on his way back to his quarters to await the approaching dawn and the promises of the new day.
And perhaps he would find the screams of the slaves one voice softer tonight.
Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are--
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
--"Ulysses" Alfred, Lord Tennyson