I Always Hoped You Knew

Stupid! God, I'm so stupid sometimes! What the hell made me think I could use the healing device and repair the kind of damage that's happening to Daniel's body? Do I think I'm some kind of god? Damn it! Maybe if I had tried it earlier.... Of course, I have no way of knowing that the same thing wouldn't have happened. That's really the point, isn't it? I have no way of knowing anything. As I said, stupid!

I stalk around my lab, my gut in knots of frustration and anger.

I could have killed Daniel. I still might have stolen some precious time from him, time for Dad to get here, time to think of some other way to save him. God, what was I thinking?

The truth of the matter is that I wasn't thinking. I was reacting. Reacting to Janet's comments about there being nothing more she could do, about how painful the end was going to be. I couldn't stand the thought of it. Not Daniel, anyone but Daniel. And he smiled.... I can't even begin to imagine what that smile must have cost him when I asked for his permission to try. What good did it do? Nothing!

The irony is that I've used the damn device before. I know I can use it to heal. Cronus! The SOB who killed Teal'c's father, who ordered the death of Jolinar, him I heal! But Daniel? My teammate? My friend? Someone who means the world to me? No, for Daniel I cause a convulsion.

I thought my heart would stop when his body tensed, and I saw his face lock in the rigor of the seizure. I stop in my tracks, remembering the blankness in his eyes, the spittle coming out of his mouth as he fought for air. I've seen a lot of things which have given me nightmares over the last five years but this was by far the worst.

What are we doing this for? There's no universal justice! No one out there cares about us, about who lives and who dies. The Goa'ulds have been bastards to the galaxy for millennia and no one bothered to stop them and yet, Daniel, sweet, good, gentle Daniel, gets to drown in his own body fluids! What the hell are we doing this for?

I kick a metal cabinet door hard and hear the satisfying tinkle of breaking glass. Punching it with the side of my fists feels even better.

"Major?"

I jerk around at the sound of a voice, my face already getting hot with embarrassment.

"Sergeant Siler!" I almost groan out loud.

"Major, are you all right? I thought I heard a crash."

I can barely catch my breath as I struggle to regain some kind of composure. "I'm fine, Sergeant, thanks. Just an accident."

"Yes, Ma'am." He starts to turn away but stops mid-stride. "Major, I heard about Dr. Jackson. If you're working on something and any need help, well, you know where to find me."

The lump in my throat makes it hard to answer. "Thank you."

Siler gives me a small smile. "My money's on Dr. Jackson, Major. If anyone can beat the odds, it's him - with your help, of course, ma'am."

Oh, God. Yeah, my help. My help just about killed Daniel. I'm so great at pulling rabbits out of my hat for everyone else but now, when he needs me.... I can feel tears start to prick at my eyes. I clear my throat, hoping it'll help me focus so I can get the words out. "Dr. Fraiser doesn't think there's anything else we can do, I'm afraid."

The Sergeant looks down at his shoes, plainly uncomfortable at the thoughts running through his head. The man's been around and there's no doubt in my mind that he's fully cognizant of the ramifications of the amount of radiation exposure Daniel was subjected to. "Major, I hope you don't think I'm outta line here, but if that's true, then you being here, breaking up your lab equipment, isn't going to help. Maybe you should be with Dr. Jackson."

"Sergeant...."

He holds up his hand to stop me but still hesitates. "Major, I've been in the Air Force for twenty years and there isn't much I haven't seen. Some of those things I wish I hadn't. I've lost friends right here on this base. Dr. Jackson is a good man. I'm not saying to give up on him but, well, if things don't go so well, you should take some time to be with him. For both your sakes."

I don't think I've ever heard Siler talk so much, or so personally, even when he was helping me with my bike. He's also right. I nod and give him silent thanks. He gives me another tight smile and walks away, leaving me to gather my courage.

Janet had warned me. As I made my way to the infirmary level, she stopped me in the hallway. She wanted to be sure I was prepared for the changes I would find when I went into Daniel's room. I can't say she didn't tell me about the bandages, the dried blood on his lips, the bloodshot eyes. She had tried to tell me more but I cut her off, thinking I knew what to expect. I was so wrong. Nothing, no one could have prepared me...

I'm standing in the doorway to his room when the smell of disinfectant and recycled air hits me. It's mixed with something I can't identify, probably some kind of topical medication impregnated into the gauze in which they've wrapped him. If he were able, I can just imagine the comments he'd make about being an archaeologist and mummies and comeuppances. I almost smile thinking about it but then I remember that he isn't able, that he can't talk anymore, and that he'll probably never talk again. My breath catches in my throat and I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying. Dad should be here soon. Selmac will be able to use the healing device and Daniel will be fine. He has to be fine. What will we do without him? What will I do without him?

I take a step into the room, still not sure what to say. Janet was encouraging, telling me that he can hear me, that it's important I talk to him. She didn't come right out and say so, but I knew she wanted each of us to have a chance to say good-bye. Teal'c said he'd be back in a few minutes. He wanted to go collect something from his room. I think he wanted to give me some privacy as well, and I appreciate it, but this is too hard. Doesn't saying good-bye imply that you've given up hope? How can I say good-bye when it feels like I just said hello?

"I knew I'd like you."

"You mean, I'm right?"

Sam smiled to herself as she launched into her explanation of planetary shift and how, with the aid of the cartouche he had discovered, they should be able to dial up any number of worlds. The possibilities were endless! This Dr. Jackson was everything Katherine said he was - impossibly bright, passionate, intuitive. It was going to be a joy working along side this man, unlike most of the men she was forced to deal with on a daily basis. For some reason the image of her new CO flashed through her mind.

I jump a little as I feel a hand on my shoulder.

"It's okay to go in, Sam." Janet's voice is soft but the quaver in it is apparent. Other than when Cassie was in danger, I don't think I've ever seen her come this close to losing it.

I nod my head, not trusting the state of my own vocal cords at the moment, and take a deep breath. My legs refuse to move, however. As much as I want to go over to his bedside, I just can't - yet. I need to say the right thing and I don't know what that is. I can't seem to make my mind work, let alone make my mouth say words that seem so final.

Janet seems to understand. I feel a pat on my arm. "Take your time. Whenever you're ready. I'll be in my office if you need me," she says gently.

I can only nod again, knowing that if I risked eye contact, we'd both be in tears. I hear the tiny clack of her shoes as she walks back up the corridor. She's moving slower than she usually does. We all are. There's no question that we're on the verge of exhaustion. I know for a fact that Janet hasn't left the infirmary since Daniel came running down the hallway, warning people away from him, and we told her the news of his contamination. I had stayed as close as I could as we came through the gate, maintaining as calm an air as possible for all our sakes. There was no time to process all the details. Jonas' superiors were yelling for Daniel's head, the scientists in the lab were already actively dying, and we had to get our teammate home. Somehow I got the words out, told Janet what she needed to know, finally got up the nerve to explain to the others what it all meant - "It's a lethal dose, Sir." Oh God. We still don't know what happened. The Colonel asked but Daniel didn't think it was worth the effort to give us the full story. We might never know what really happened. Damn, I'm so tired.

He looked so tired. Sam knew she was feeling pretty exhausted herself. It seemed like the Goa'uld bombardment had been going on for weeks instead of just days. And she hadn't just lost her spouse. Her heart bled for Dr Ja.... No, he insisted she call him Daniel. She grinned in remembrance of his shy smile and easy manner as she had given him the grand tour of the newly reactivated SGC. Now he just seemed lost.

She tried to keep up the friendly banter as they exited the elevator. "I'm going to drop by the control room. From the silence around here it seems like the Goulds have finally given up." It was no good. Normally it wasn't in Sam's nature to be maternal but she couldn't help herself in this case. There was just something about the man that made you want to take care of him. "When was the last time you slept?"

"I don't know," came the feeble reply.

"It doesn't help when the whole base goes on alert every two hours," she sympathized.

"No, it's not that. It's just that... my mind races and I can't stop thinking about Sha're. Where she is, what she's become." It came out in a rush as if he had to make his mouth work as fast as his brain was going, looking slightly abashed at having revealed this much to a relative stranger.

"I know," Sam replied, even as she wondered to herself if she did. How could she understand? But then again maybe she did know on some level. She remembered what it was like to have everything fine in your world one minute, and then have it totally destroyed in the next. She had learned her lesson from her mother's death and she damn well wasn't going to let Daniel to make the same mistakes. She'd see that he took care of himself, let people in to support and comfort him. "But you can't stay awake forever," she persisted.

"I can try." Daniel waggled his empty coffee cup at her. Something of her concern must have reached him, however. "No, you're right," he relented. "I'll meet you at the next briefing."

She watched him for a minute as he made his way towards the crew quarters, pleased that he was taking her advice. Allowing herself a small smile, she headed for the control room.

Something seems wrong, apart from the obvious wrongness of Daniel's dying. I look around the room, trying to pin it down. It's the same isolation room that Cassie was in just a few months ago. Hell, it's the same room I was in when the entity from P9C-372 had taken over my body. You'd think after spending so much time in here that...what? What should I think? That we've had enough? That I'm tired of us being the whipping boys for the damn galaxy? That the price we're paying now for doing the right thing is way too high and maybe it's someone else's turn for a change? I hate this and for once, I hate knowing everything that I do. What good is knowing the exact amount of radiation you need to kill someone if you can't do anything to save him?

Daniel had insisted on knowing what was going to happen and I could see the pain in Janet's face as she tenderly relayed the information to him. She knows what this feels like. To know so much and yet not nearly enough. I want something to throw, wishing I could be more like the Colonel. He wouldn't hesitate. He'd just throw the first thing that came to hand and...and I stop. I can feel myself shaking - with anger, frustration, fear, guilt, and I don't know what else. I have to stop this, get a grip. This isn't going to help Daniel. I know I'm supposed to be more detached.

"Who said that?"

"Sometimes I forget you aren't military." Sam couldn't help herself as she let herself lean against Daniel's slender frame. He was standing so close behind her, giving her the support she didn't have to ask for, almost instinctively knowing what she needed.

Sam wasn't sure how it had happened but they had grown very comfortable with each other in the six months they had been working together. Maybe it was the late night conversations in her lab or his office. Maybe it was their mutual love of science or their occasional exasperation with Colonel O'Neill. It didn't matter. Daniel was always right there reminding her that it was okay to depend on other people.

Just that afternoon, she had come out of Cassandra's room to find him camped out in the hallway. She had no idea how long he had been there, waiting, not wanting to intrude. Her first instinct had been to blow off his offer to relieve her. But when she caught herself and explained that she wanted to be the one to handle things, he quietly reminded her that she didn't 'have to do this alone.'

And now here he was again, silently offering his strength as she struggled to regain her composure. Cassandra looked so small and pale against the whiteness of the sheets. Sam felt another wave of anger and frustration wash over her and she was never more glad of Daniel's rock solid steadiness.

Did I ever thank you for that, Daniel? I can't remember now. Did I ever tell you that one of the reasons I went back for Cassie was that I wanted her to be able to depend on me the way I could depend on you? Probably not. God, Daniel, there's so much I should have said and now I'm afraid to even walk over to stand beside your bed.

I never thought of myself as a coward. God knows we've had enough practice standing by each other's sickbed in the last five years. Hell, we've been dead together. Why should now be any different? Dad will be here soon. The cavalry will come to the rescue like it always does in the final reel. It'll be fine just like it always is.

I look up at the ceiling, marshalling my courage. Suddenly I realize what's wrong. There's no beeping. I move over to the head of Daniel's bed and quickly scan the bank of instruments, looking for the EKG. Okay, there it is. No, the volume has just been turned down. The rhythm seems steady. Okay, good, that's good. I have to sit since I don't think my knees are going to stay locked. Damn, don't scare me like that! Then again, maybe this is tit for tat.

As terrified as Sam was feeling, the part of her mind that was still her ached as she saw Daniel's face.

"Jack, what the hell is going on?" The shock and fear and denial were plain in his wide-open blue eyes.

"Open the gate now! I command you!" She felt the words coming from her mouth and could do nothing to stop them, could offer no reassurance to her teammates. She knew what this had to be doing to them, especially Daniel. It had to be like losing Sha're all over again. This thing in her had tried to calm her with promises of eventual freedom and Sam so wanted to believe it but at the same time it wasn't permitting her any leeway at the present. Stop this, please! Let me talk with them. You've got to let me tell them I'm okay!

Sam could feel the drugs slowly making an impact on her body and prayed that they'd take effect before this thing did something stupid, like blow them all to hell. As if in a dream, she heard the Colonel talking, trying to smooth the situation, gently taking the grenade from her suddenly nerveless fingers as she melted to the ground. Her last conscious thought was please let this be a nightmare.

Unfortunately, it was a nightmare from which Sam couldn't escape. While on an instinctive level, she knew Jolinar was telling the truth, she also realized that there was no way the staff at the SGC would believe him. Even when she had been released long enough to plead with the Colonel, he had turned his back and walked away. Teal'c would corroborate the Tok'ra's story but wouldn't trust that this particular symbiote was telling the truth. There was only one person here with that kind of trust and Sam both longed for and dreaded his appearance.

"You're Daniel Jackson."

"Yes."

"You care about Samantha Carter as much as O'Neill and Teal'c?" Sam winced. He wouldn't even look at her and Jolinar was going to try and use his affection against him.

"Yes, I do."

"Yet this is the first time you have come to see me." It isn't you he didn't want to see, Sam raged impotently. It's me.

"I came to see if you can give us a description of the Ashrak." It was obvious that Daniel was struggling to maintain his objectivity and equally apparent that he was torn about being here.

"I will know his face only in the moments before he tortures me to death, killing your friend along with me." Jolinar had no trouble playing the guilt card, Sam noticed angrily.

"Well, there's no way of him getting in here."

"You are not stupid, Daniel, nor am I!"

"He doesn't know for sure that you are on this planet, let alone on this base."

"He is Goa'uld. He will find me. It's what he does. Letting me go, trusting me is the only chance of saving your friend Samantha."

"Then, I'm sorry." Daniel paused before taking a step closer, looking directly at her for the first time. "I'm sorry, Sam," he added quietly.

Oh, Daniel, what did that just cost you, Sam wondered wildly? Desperately, she tried to communicate something, anything, to him. What is it costing you to walk away now?

I never asked you that question, did I? We talked about how I was dealing with being taken against my will, what it was like to have all these feelings and memories that weren't really mine, but we never talked about you. Was I that selfish? Or were you that stubborn that you felt you had to handle things yourself? Just like on Kelona. You couldn't wait for us? We heard the alarm, damn it! We were coming. All you had to do was wait a few more minutes. Whatever it was that happened, couldn't you have waited just a few more minutes? Was it so important that you had to play the hero?

Whoa! I take a deep breath and rein in my anger. I know that this is all part of grieving. I know that. But seeing you lying here, not being able to do something...

Looking everywhere but at the bed, I get up and pace around the room.

"You're going to wear a hole in the floor."

"I can't get her out of my head, Sam. I think I made a big mistake."

Sam couldn't believe what she was hearing. It was bad enough, after everything they'd been through, watching Daniel kiss Shayla, but to hear him going on about her like a lovesick schoolboy was too much. "You're not serious."

"I am."

Okay, it was time for a reality check. "You have a wife," she reminded her teammate.

"Had. Had a wife," Daniel was quick to reply. "C'mon, seriously, how long am I suppose to wait? Even if I find Sha're one day, what are the chances she's ever going to be the same again?"

Okay, Sam thought, if she couldn't reach Daniel's emotional side, she'd have to appeal to his reason. After all, she was never that hot with emotions anyway. Use your brain; talk him down. "Look, your endorphin level was through the roof when you got back. Now you're coming down off it. The effects of the sarcophagus are like a narcotic, Daniel."

"Yeah, that make you stronger, smarter, you live for hundreds of years. You feel great. What the hell is so wrong with that?" Daniel began to pace again along the side of her workstation.

Desperately, Sam tried to focus the scattered remnants of Jolinar's feelings and thoughts. "I think it's partly what makes the Goa'ulds as bad as they are."

"How?" he challenged.

"Who knows? It's Goa'uld technology, Daniel. Maybe its healing effects alter your brain chemistry, increase adrenaline, the hormones that make you more aggressive and irrational." Was it such a good idea to tell someone who was losing his mind that he was being irrational? Sam pressed on. "Pyrus probably used to be a decent man." It was no good; she knew she wasn't getting through to her teammate - not this way. She had to stop with the lecture and get back to making this personal. "Look at yourself. It's like you need a fix. You've used it only a few times and it's already changed you."

"We can't just leave it there. We have to study it," Daniel said, almost to himself.

"We can't go back, either." There it was, on the table. Sam held her breath.

"Well, I'm going."

Sam felt like she'd been backed into a corner. There was only one card she had left to play, hoping she could get through to him. "She used us to get you addicted."

She didn't know what reaction she'd been expecting, but Sam was unprepared for the barely contained violence Daniel unleashed. Glass shattered as he brushed her equipment to the floor. The look in his eye told her that it could have easily been her body he smashed. She tensed as he slowly stalked towards her.

"You've never really known what love is, have you?" he whispered coldly.

"See, the Daniel I know would never have said that." She couldn't keep from wincing as he knocked over more apparatus and stormed out of the lab.

We did talk about that little scene, didn't we? I mean, once you were yourself again and the Colonel decided you were back on the team, it would have been hard to work with someone who felt so guilty he couldn't look you in the eye. So we kissed and made up and went on. I didn't tell you everything though. I didn't tell you that I suddenly realized how easy it would have been for me to fall in love with you. All the playful, innocent flirting, the working so close together it felt like we were each other's skins sometimes. All the close calls when I thought I'd - we'd lost you.... God, Daniel, if you weren't married, it would have been so easy. And so hard. No, not gonna think about that. Not now.

I chance a glance at the bed, wondering if I'm ready to make my peace. I'll take the sudden pain in my stomach and the lurch of my heart as signs that I'm not. I can't take this. There's got to be something I've missed, some way we can fix this.

I take a few steps closer and look down on... what? My friend? My teammate? A body wrapped in rolls of Kling dressings? To have you there, and yet, not there.

"C'mon, Daniel. They found the guy. They're bringing him in. You have to wake up." Sam couldn't help the small tremor in her voice as she begged this too familiar stranger to open his eyes. She moved in closer and picked up his hand, finally giving a command she prayed he'd be able to obey. "Daniel, you can't die on me now."

And then a small miracle happened. "It's nice to know you don't just like me for my looks." It was a small joke said in a quavering voice but it was enough. And it was definitely a "Daniel" thing to do. They'd had an ongoing argument over the increase in estrogen levels released into the air whenever the archaeologist was around female staff members. He might pretend to be oblivious, but Sam knew he used that boyish charm of his with devastating effectiveness.

"Hey," she replied, not bothering to contain her joy at his awakening. Looking up, she saw Dr. Fraiser coming into the room. "Janet."

There was something very satisfying in being able to give good news, Sam decided as she saw a grin spread across the medical officer's face.

"Well, it's good to have you back, Dr. Jackson. You have impeccable timing." Janet glanced over to the Captain. "Sam, they're on their way in. You should get that machine of his in here."

Janet didn't have to say more. There wouldn't be much time to waste and they both knew it.

Sam couldn't resist as she gazed fondly at the man inside the old body she was seeing. Leaning over him, she gave his head a gentle kiss.

Machello! Okay, maybe we don't have access to a sarcophagus but we did retrieved that, well, Teal'c called it a hibernation chamber, when we went back to get all the other toys on P9R-427. The guys at Area 51 had to have had enough time to figure out how it worked by now. Okay, not totally but at least how to turn the damn thing on!

I can't keep from running as I head towards my lab. I think I hear Janet calling but I don't have time to stop and explain, especially since I catch a lucky break with the elevator. I notice a small tremor in my hand as I jab the proper button. This has to work. Maybe it won't heal Daniel but it should buy us time, enough time for Dad to get here at least.

I'm moving so fast that I almost slide into the door I closed so carefully just a little while ago as another delaying tactic. I know I'm moving on automatic pilot since I don't even remember getting to this level.

I grab the phone and start dialing, not even sure what I'm going to say. I get through the identification and authentication process with a barely contained temper. Okay, fine, now that we all know who we are, can we get on with things?

"Major Carter?" the voice startles me out of my pique.

"Yes, Bob, I'm glad it's you. Listen, I need you to get the hibernation device from P9R-427 to the SGC ASAP!" The words come out in a tumble.

"Whoa, Major, slow down. What's the catalog number?"

Cata... what the hell does he think this is? Sears? "Bob, I don't have time to look it up. It was the only other large piece of equipment we brought back from Machello's planet."

"Major, we have hundreds of items here you guys have brought back. I wouldn't even know where to begin." I've known Bob Petrillo for four years now and he's about the only decent guy at Area 51 in my estimation. I know he's trying to reason with me but I can't help wanting to smack the shit out him.

I take a breath as I reach for the laptop. "Okay, wait a minute." My fingers fly over the keys as I call up the database. I almost scroll right past what I'm looking for in my haste. "Here it is, artifact #567812M."

"Got it," comes the reply. I can hear the tapping as he works his own computer. I wait... and wait. I know it's a product of my anxiety but I can't help wondering if we've fallen into another gravity well for all the time distortions I'm experiencing. "Uh, Major?"

My stomach does another one-eighty at the tone in Bob's voice. "Tell me."

"Major, Dr. Wallace has that artifact requisitioned already."

"Where?"

"Well, his lab's here, so I guess it's...."

"Then, what's the problem, Lieutenant?" I don't often pull rank but I don't have time for this crap - neither does Daniel.

"Ma'am, Dr. Wallace would have been put in charge of trying to reverse engineer the artifact. My guess is that that piece of equipment is in about a million pieces at the moment, spread out all nice and neat on the floor of the doctor's lab."

Damn it! I almost smash my laptop to the floor in anger. Almost. "Lieutenant, listen to me carefully. I want that machine in one piece and I want it here, now! Do I make myself clear?"

"Major, I'm sorry, but you know it doesn't work that way. You don't have the authority."

"Then I'll get it! You get someone to start putting that machine back together." I don't give him time to answer as I crash the handset down.

"Major?"

I whirl around, not expecting anyone to be here, certainly not the man who's standing in my doorway. "General." I struggle to get to my feet.

"What are you doing here? I understood from Dr. Fraiser that you were in the infirmary."

"Sir, I had an idea but I need you to requisition something from Area 51."

"So I heard." I notice that he's looking at the hand I'm holding out to him, almost in supplication. The shake is back.

"Sir," I begin, hoping to distract him.

"Sit down, Major."

"Sir, we don't have time...."

"Please." He holds out a stool for me, and I really don't have a choice except to sit. My insides are roiling though, feeling the need to be doing something. "Sam, why are you here?" he asks softly.

I know what he's getting at. I'm supposed to be making my peace with Daniel. That's what they all think. They've given up, all of them. Still, I have to try and get through to them. If there's an alternative, we've got to try it! "Sir, I remembered about one of the devices we found on Machello's planet. I hypothesized that it was some kind of stasis device. If we can get it here in time...."

"I know. I already made the call."

This stuns me. All I can do is stare, not sure what to say. "General?"

"While you were investigating the potential of the naquadria, Colonel O'Neill, Teal'c, and I were trying to come up with a possible solution for Dr. Jackson. It was Jack who remembered Machello's machines."

I know this was an 'effective use of resources' but I can't help the stab of guilt over not being at that meeting. Daniel's my friend too. His well-being is more important than some mineral, isn't it? Isn't it?

Something of my conflict must register on my face and the General's way too perceptive not to see it. "Sam," he says softly, "you were doing the job only you could do. We weren't excluding you."

"I understand that, Sir." I squeeze the words out past the tightening in my throat. Okay, it doesn't matter whose idea it was, as long as the damn thing gets here. But then why didn't Bob tell me that it had already been sent for? "The device is on its way, isn't it?"

"No."

"Sir, that machine might be Daniel's only chance!" I can't help the panic creeping up from my stomach.

"Even if the device was in one piece, it would never get here in time." The sympathetic look he's giving me is downright painful in its intensity. I know what he's telling me. I just don't want to hear it. "Maybe you should get back to the infirmary."

I hang my head. "Yes, Sir." No, I can't let it go just like that. As the general turns, I have to make one more comment. "We can't give up on Daniel, Sir. He's beaten the odds too many times and we still have the healing device if Dad gets our message," I remind him.

"I know, Major. Just don't expect too much."

"Don't expect much." Dr. Mackenzie would never win any prizes for his bedside manner, in Sam's opinion. "If he becomes agitated, call the aides."

Sam couldn't help a soundless gasp as she saw Daniel. He was dressed in scrubs, barefoot, sitting on the floor. It was hard to tell if he was even aware of their presence.

After a few endless seconds, a small voice asked, "Jack?"

"It's us, Daniel," Sam responded. She hoped she sounded calmer than she felt. "Can't you see us?"

"I was just making sure you weren't figments of my...mind." He sounded so uncertain and dark circles gave his face a particularly haunted look. Sam could feel tears threatening. "They took my glasses in case I broke the lenses and tried to, um, hurt myself."

"They treating you okay?" Jack asked. Sam knew that the answer to that had better be in the affirmative or the staff here was going to wish they had taken the day off.

"Yeah." Daniel couldn't seem to make eye contact with any of them. Without warning he buried his head in his hands and began to weep. Sam wanted nothing more than to do the same. Sniffling, her teammate tried to regain some control. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Sam admired the matter-of-fact tone the Colonel was able to adopt as if seeing one of his team falling to pieces was an everyday occurrence.

"For being such a head case."

That was too much for Sam. "It's not your fault, Daniel." Her arms ached to touch him, to offer some reassurance but she knew that Daniel's already fractured self-esteem wouldn't tolerate such a gesture in front of Jack and Teal'c.

"Colonel O'Neill believes it has something to do with the Lindris." Teal'c's was the voice of reason.

"Remember in that chamber, you said you felt like something brushed past you?" The Colonel had told the others Daniel's hypothesis while he was in the infirmary and while he wasn't putting much stock in it, it was all they had. The thought that the archaeologist had gone insane was unacceptable. It was that simple.

"Yes." Daniel's reply was not one to inspire confidence in the theory. He looked lost and unfocused. "It was them. I know you don't believe me but I felt them. They heard me!" A sudden look of terror spread over Daniel's face and he scrambled across the floor, drawing himself in a tight knot in the corner of the room. "They're coming! They're coming."

"Only your friends are here, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c reassured the frightened man.

"They're coming," insisted Daniel. "I hear footsteps. Footsteps."

Sam didn't know how much more of this she could take as she watched her friend sink further into his psychosis, whatever its cause. She could smell his fear.

"Daniel! There are no footsteps. Stay with us." The Colonel was almost pleading.

"Footsteps."

Ah, Daniel, we didn't expect much then, did we? But you were right. You pulled through, as always. Is it so wrong to expect one more miracle?

"Major Carter?"

Teal'c's voice startles me. I don't know how much time has gone by I realize with a guilty start. "Teal'c? Has something happened? Is Daniel...?"

He holds up a large hand, and in an uncharacteristic gesture, waves me back to my chair. "Daniel Jackson's condition has not changed. I merely wanted to see if you have finished in the infirmary for the present time." Ah, God's own definition of a pregnant pause... "I did not wish to intrude."

"It wouldn't have been an intrusion, Teal'c. You should know that by now."

"Nonetheless, when two warriors must part ways, it is a private thing, not to be shared with others." He moves into the lab, which seems suddenly smaller.

"Why is everyone being so quick to give up on Daniel?" The words are out of my mouth before I can censor them.

"I do not understand. Was it not you, Major Carter, who pronounced Daniel's doom? Is it not better to prepare for the worst outcome and yet hope for a better one?" His face doesn't give away much but I can hear the puzzled hurt in Teal'c's voice.

"I'm sorry." I get up and begin to pace around the room, again fighting off the urge to start tossing things against whatever wall seems most convenient. "I just can't help feeling that there's something we haven't thought of, that everyone's... It's like he doesn't matter anymore, Teal'c."

"You are in error." His tone brooks no argument. And he's right. I know he's right.

"I'm sorry," I repeat.

"There is no need to apologize. It is a time of great distress for us all." I feel his eyes follow me as I retake my seat, running out of energy. "Major Carter, you are deeply troubled. Can I be of assistance?"

He doesn't move and yet I'm suddenly the focus of his entire world. It's like being caught inside a laser beam. This man would jump into an active volcano for me if he thought it would help. How many people can claim that kind of support and loyalty? A tear that has been threatening for hours slides down my cheek as a feeling of overwhelming gratitude fills me. It's the quiet things that undo us, not the storms.

It takes me a moment before I can answer him. "Thank you, Teal'c. It's just that I don't think I can do it."

His response is simply a raised eyebrow, but it's an eloquent reply.

"I tried. I can't even bring myself to sit beside him, let alone figure out what to say. I keep having these, I don't know, flashbacks, memories, to things that have happened to us, to Daniel and me." I feel like I'm making a confession.

"I see."

"It's just a jumble mostly."

"I have heard an expression used by O'Neill on occasion, of having one's life flash before one's eyes when faced with imminent death. Perhaps, you too, must assess your relationship with Daniel Jackson before the appropriate words can be found."

That's it. That's exactly it. Bit by bit, each painful step of the journey has to be looked at. I don't know what to say to Teal'c but he must see that I understand by the expression on my face.

He nods. "It is hard to say goodbye."

Sam wasn't sure she should be seeing this and yet she sure as hell couldn't turn away. She couldn't hear what words were being said but more was going on than just a simple goodbye. Oh, to be a fly on this wall!

She had been overwhelmingly relieved when Daniel had reactivated the mirror. Other than a nasty looking bruise high on the archaeologist's left cheekbone, the rest of her teammates seemed to be intact. She guessed they had been successful in their mission - as if they weren't busy enough kicking ass in their own reality.

Kawalsky's goodbye had been straightforward. A salute to his once-commanding officer and a nod of respect to Teal'c, and he walked away to rebuild his life. "Samantha" seemed to have more to say.

At the colonel's nod, Daniel and Teal'c returned to their universe with a touch to the smooth, cool surface of the mirror. O'Neill stayed behind. Sam assumed he wanted some privacy. The kiss came as a surprise, however - not that Samantha kissed the colonel but that he was kissing back.

Sam didn't know where to look and, worse, felt a blush creep up her neck.

With a last look, and some whispered final words, they parted and O'Neill returned. Without a glance at his 2IC, he walked out the door, with the General and Teal'c trailing behind.

"Sam?"

Sam couldn't keep from jumping. In her overall confusion, she'd forgotten that Daniel was in the room. "Daniel? Shouldn't you be heading for the infirmary?"

"I will," he said, glancing down at his boots, arms folded around his chest, as he leaned against a table. "I just thought, um..." Looking up, he was all blue eyes and concern.

"It's none of my business," Sam tried to bluster as she headed for the door. Nodding at his bruised countenance, she continued, "You better get Janet to look at that before the debriefing."

"Sam."

"Daniel, what do you want me to say?" Sam looked everywhere but at her teammate. "It was...weird."

"I know," he said and Sam couldn't hide her puzzlement. "You forget, I saw them before. Well, not them...exactly. I mean, before you were just engaged. Er, I mean, not you but...."

Sam held up a hand, grinning as he stumbled over the theoretical physics of the situation. It felt good to smile. "Got it."

"Are you all right?" he asked softly.

"I'm fine." Okay, thought Sam, that needed to come out a little more convincingly. "Really." Yeah, that should do it. She gave an inward sigh as she saw his skeptical look. "It was just, um...."

"Weird," supplied Daniel.

"Weird," she agreed, "Seeing them together like that."

"Well, you must have thought about what it would be like," he teased.

"Daniel!"

"C'mon. You mean you didn't think about it after I came back from '233 and told you about them?"

Sam walked over to him, taking him firmly by the arm. "Daniel, I'm going to chalk up this conversation to that blow you must have taken to the head. You're going to the infirmary."

Gently, Daniel disentangled his arm from her, placing his hand on her shoulder and turning her to face him. "You know, just for the record, I was a little jealous the first time around."

This must be a day for surprises. Sam didn't know what to say and knew she must be doing a fair imitation of Daniel's beached fish look. He just grinned back, tucked his arm in hers, and led her out of the room.

I guess I'll never know now if you were serious, Daniel, but it did make me feel better at the time. You were so good at that. I look up to share the memory with Teal'c but he's nowhere in sight. He must have known I was lost in my thoughts again.

Well, if this is going to work, I guess I should go someplace to facilitate the process. Which is stupid because the whole base holds memories of Daniel. I can't just wander around the gate room and I imagine Hammond would have a few choice words if I commandeered the conference room. Maybe I should just stay here in the lab. Daniel and I have spent more time here than just about anywhere, except maybe his office. His office, filled with artifacts from a hundred different cultures... I don't think... No, that's a bad idea. Except that I'm on my feet and out the door without really thinking about it.

This might be hard but it's got to be better than sitting with Daniel, watching him fading away, hoping that Dad gets here in time.

I walk briskly down the corridors, trying not to make eye contact with the people I pass along the way. The scuttlebutt is out about Daniel's condition and I don't want to see the sympathy, don't want to hear words of consolation.

Part of me is half tempted to turn around. Whether to go to the infirmary and confront my fears or to hide in my lab, I'm not sure. It doesn't matter. Something seems to be drawing me to do this like a magnet and I don't have the energy to analyze it.

The door to his office is half-opened and, for a minute, I stop, hoping no one else is there. I don't think I could cope with seeing the Colonel, knowing what he must be going through. When did I become such a coward? I shake my head and move towards the office.

Pushing open the door, I realize that the room is empty. And yet, not really. It's full of Daniel, his things, his "vibes," and even the faint scent that I always associate with him. I can feel hairs on the back of my neck stand up and an imagined draft gives me goose bumps. This is really not a good idea. I go in anyway.

I don't know where to start now that I'm here. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do. I move further into the office. It seemed clear enough in the lab but now, I just stand looking around me. This is stupid. And then I see his pen lying on the desktop.

He was holding his pen up to his face when Sam came to the door. "Hi."

At first, she wasn't sure he was going to answer. He seemed so absorbed, so lost. "Hi," he finally said, putting down his arm.

"I brought you some of those chocolate-walnut cookies you love so much." Sam knew it was lame but she needed something to break the ice for this conversation.

"Thank you. You brought me those before." He never even glanced at the small bag. Sam put the cookies on the over-the-bed table as he resumed his contemplation of the marker.

"Before?" The major did a quick inventory of previous infirmary visits but couldn't remember needing to rely on a cookie run before. "When?"

"In my... dream."

Ah. Janet had told the team that Daniel was still maintaining that Sha're had somehow communicated with him through the hand device; had, in fact, helped him to work through many of the issues surrounding her death. Sam didn't know what to think but now was not the time to challenge her friend. He still had just lost his wife at the hand of a teammate and the wounds were still way too raw. "Oh."

"You don't believe me." His voice was flat, unemotional.

"Daniel, as far as I know, those devices are meant to kill."

He gave her a mirthless smile. "You told me that, too."

Sam dropped her head, not sure what to say.

Daniel continued, seemingly not caring if she responded. "Want to hear the rest of the script?" he asked bitterly.

"Daniel...."

"Did you ever study one of these?" he asked, holding up his pen, interrupting her.

"A pen?" Sam lowered herself carefully onto the side of his bed.

"Never mind. It all comes down to one simple fact. I couldn't save her. All these wonders of technology that we have at our disposal and I couldn't save her!" Sam felt the tears well up inside her at the pain and guilt in his voice. "I'm just going to try and get some sleep," he said, clearly dismissing her, as he pulled up his blankets, "so, good night."

He can't even look at me, thought Sam, devastated at her lack of ability to help the man who had always been there for her. "Okay. Um, let me know if you need anything, okay?" She could barely get the words out.

"Thank you." He rolled over, turning away from her, shutting her out.

"Okay," repeated Sam, leaving the room, a tear escaping down her cheek.

I was useless to you then, Daniel, just like I am now. I don't even bother to wipe away the tears, which fall freely down my face. There's no one here to see. The irony doesn't escape me that the one person who could comfort me is the one I'm mourning. No! I am not going to give up!

I move away from the desk. Daniel had been able to resolve his feelings about Sha're's death. I did the best I could at the time. We're taught it at the Academy. Be tough. Stay strong. Casualties are a part of war and your wife was a victim. What does that make you, Daniel? No wonder I'm afraid to go in to you now.

It didn't really matter to you in the long run. Once we returned to the SGC, we just picked up again. There were new crises to deal with and never enough time to look back. And I never even bothered to try. Yep, leave it up to me and I'd never deal with any of these messy emotions. I'll take a good old-fashioned physics problem any day - even one that takes three months to solve. The emotional stuff was always your turf.

"Daniel, I do not want to talk about it, okay?"

"No, it's not okay. I saw the look on your face, Sam. You need to tell him."

Sam had stalked away from the conference room as soon as the General had dismissed them from the debriefing, holding back his newly returned second in command in order to review a few other items. She was just as glad for this chance to escape. What she hadn't counted on was Daniel turning into her shadow.

"There's nothing to say."

"I know he didn't mean to hurt you."

"I'm not hurt. What makes you think I'm hurt?" If I walk fast enough, thought Sam, maybe he'll take the hint. Daniel simply lengthened his stride.

"Sam!"

"Daniel!"

"Sam."

Okay, this was getting them nowhere fast. Sam pushed her persistent teammate into the first empty room she found. "Look, Daniel, I understand. You explained it, remember? He didn't expect to be coming home. But now he is."

"Thanks to you."

Sam winced at the interruption. "Yeah, thanks to me. I guess he'll get around to telling me how grateful he is later." Her voice sounded bitter even to herself.

"You worked your tail off for three months, day and night. We were afraid you were going to come apart." Daniel took a step closer, leaning down to talk directly into her ear. "He'll appreciate what you did for him."

"You heard him, Daniel. He's not happy about being back. He didn't want to come back."

"He told Lara he didn't want to come back. We don't know everything. Give him time, Sam. Talk to him."

"It's none of my business." Sam tried once more to end what was turning into an embarrassing conversation. She was pulled up short by Daniel's hand on her shoulder.

"It's our business if it affects the team." Daniel's eyes squinted tighter in compassion. "What goes on between you and Jack has got to be our business, and you're hurting." He gave her a little shake. "Talk to him."

Sam sighed, wanting nothing more than to evade the truth and understanding she saw reflected in those blue eyes. She failed miserably. The problem was that Daniel's truth could not match the reality of military command structure, neither could it take into account her own ambivalence and confusion over her feelings. "I did what I had to do, what I'd do for any of you. There's nothing more to talk about."

It was Daniel's turn to sigh as he released her, grimacing slightly. He nodded sadly, did an abrupt about face, and left the room, leaving Sam alone with her thoughts.

I feel spent, at least for the moment. The personal ramifications from P5C-768 pale in comparison to what happened as a result of a certain little Tok'ra experiment a year later. But you knew what was happening, Daniel, even before I did. Maybe if I had listened to you then, if the Colonel and I had talked... It doesn't matter. It certainly doesn't matter right at this instant. There are more important things to figure out, like maybe how to save your life.

As I settle into your chair, I try to imagine you here in the room. I pick up the naquadah scanner we got from the Tok'ra a couple of years back and start fiddling with it. Apparently, Daniel, you never learned to return your "toys" to their proper storage area. I can't help smiling a little since I can almost see you sitting here, fidgeting over some translation or another, and using this technological wonder the same way other people use worry beads. Ah, Daniel, what would you do? I've seen you solve a million problems over the years. How did you start? At the beginning. You start every problem at the beginning.

Okay, radiation is energy in transit. Ionizing radiation causes the removal of electrons when interacting with matter. Matter, as in Daniel's body. I shudder, knowing what he's going through and why. The gamma rays from the naquadria reaction alone, passing through the cells of his skin, caused the water molecules near his DNA to ionize and the ions were now causing the DNA is break down. God only knows what other types of radiation were released that we don't even know about. If there was just some way to slow down the somatic effects...the dehydration, the skin ulcerations, the bleeding from his damaged mucosa, the pain...

I get up and start pacing again. This isn't helping because there isn't a way to slow it down. One of us would have thought of it if there had been. With the total body exposure Daniel suffered, he is going to die and nothing we do will stop it from happening.

An overwhelming feeling of rage shoots through me. It isn't fair! I've been there. I've had a taste what he's going through and I was so blas when he was lost and just because I was still feeling sick, I knew he was there... I knew it! And I did nothing!

"He described the cavern perfectly, Sir. He'd have to have been there." Colonel O'Neill had insisted on walking Sam partway to her quarters. She was still feeling more fatigued from her bout of radiation sickness than she cared to admit and he said he wanted to make sure she was okay. After all, "Nintendos" were nothing to sneeze at.

"Ah...giants?" he replied, reminding her of the biggest obstacle to accepting Nick's story.

"Somebody built that place." Given all they had seen in the last three years, Sam wasn't feeling inclined to give up on any possibility.

"Doesn't help us." Okay, there was no ready come back for that and they had reached the elevator.

Sam knew that this was going to sound odd but she had to ask. The "sensation" she experienced had been nagging at her for hours and the Colonel was the only person she thought might understand. At least, he was the only one here who would understand. "Do you get the feeling that Daniel is still around?"

Jack hesitated before answering, "Kinda."

"I guess it's because we miss him." It couldn't be anything more than that, Sam convinced herself.

"Or radiation sickness," Jack quipped.

Sam chuckled. "Good night, Sir."

The sound of something crashing against the far wall in the hallway brings me half out of my trance, as I hear myself yelling, "I laughed! God, how could I laugh with him gone?"

"Major?"

The shock of hearing another voice brings me back to the present. I can't stifle a small groan. Not again. Tell me this isn't happening again. "Airman?" An unfamiliar man is looking at me like he would an ungrounded electrical wire.

"Major, are you all right?"

I glance down and realize my hands are empty. The scanner's gone. "What?" I'm feeling almost disoriented.

"I was coming down the corridor, ma'am, and something whizzed by in front of me." Discretion wars with concern, and he finally adds, "I heard you, er, you sounded upset, Major."

"I'm fine, thank you, Airman." I'm lying.

He glances down at the remains of the scanner. "You want me to clean this up, Major?"

I feel myself blushing. "No, I'll see to it."

"Yes, Ma'am." He hesitates, obviously reluctant to just walk away. "Is there anything else I can do, Major?"

"No. Thank you, Airman." I know he means well. I may not know this man's name but he has that look I've been dreading to see. It's the one that says I'm sorry. It's the one look I can't bear right now.

After a quick clean up job, I put the pieces of the scanner into an empty box I find tucked away in a corner. I'll have a look at it later and see if there's anything I can do to fix it. It's too valuable to lose, but I dread the thought of trying to explain how it came to be smashed. I can't believe I did that. First, I bust up my lab and now this. I feel strangely calmer however. It's as if the act of senseless destruction contained all the anger I'd been trying to deny. I sit back down in Daniel's chair.

One of the books perched precariously on a nearby table catches my eye. It's the introductory volume of basic physics I gave him four years back. I'd forgotten all about it. In fact, I'm surprised it isn't buried under all the accumulated debris this room tends to collect. Daniel had asked to borrow something "simple" to help him understand some of the concepts he was suddenly being confronted with in the course of life at the SGC. I had dug this out of storage and gave it to him with my compliments.

I pick up the book and begin to leaf through it. I can't believe what I see. The pages are filled with notes! Most of them begin with the words, "remember to ask Sam about this..." How? When had he found the time? I flip to the end of the book. Yep, even the index pages are filled with Daniel's neat script. He didn't just manage to get through the entire book; he devoured it. Is there anything that doesn't interest Daniel?

Then it hits me. It wasn't the physics that involved Daniel. He just needed enough to know how to understand me. What's important to him is being able to communicate with others. He sat and read this whole damn book. It was that simple. You do whatever it takes; no matter who stands in your way.

"Heavy water." It couldn't be that simple, could it, thought Sam. Seeing Colonel O'Neill's look, she instantly went into lecture mode without thinking. "It's like regular water, Sir, except the hydrogen nucleus contains two...."

She didn't get any further as her C.O. abruptly interrupted her. "I know what heavy water is, Major." His tone made it abundantly clear that she had somehow overstepped some kind of line he had drawn. "And if that's what the Eurondans need, then we'd be happy to provide it."

He almost seemed to bask in the gasps of surprise and gratitude. Sam frowned slightly. The Colonel seemed bent on giving the impression of being solidly in command of this situation, almost like he enjoyed being the hero of the hour. It wasn't like him but she now understood why he didn't want her explaining basic physics to him. It'd look bad.

Alar, playing host to this dinner party, was beside himself. "In return, we can teach your people how to construct weapons systems such as ours, aerofighters, stasis devices, fusion reactors."

"Sounds fair," replied O'Neill, smugly. "Carter?"

Sam pulled herself together enough to remember another item for the agenda. "Medicines."

The Colonel took the hint. "Oh, right. Um, we were very impressed with that beta, er, candy stuff."

"Beta Canton, of course." Alar was obviously more than ready to agree to just about anything.

"Jack?"

Sam felt her stomach suddenly tighten. She was fairly adept at reading her C.O. and knew he was not in the mood to indulge their civilian teammate.

"Daniel?"

Daniel clearly chose to ignore the warning glance Sam threw in his direction. "Shouldn't we ask them what they want the heavy water for?"

"Oh, I don't think so." Sam inwardly cringed at O'Neill's tone. He was not going to be openly challenged this time. It was that simple.

Alar was seemingly willing to reassure the archaeologist, however. "The power generated by your heavy water will be used to reinforce our defenses, Dr. Jackson."

"Daniel?" Satisfied? The question was left dangling.

"And in due course, to strike back at our enemies."

"Jack?" No, came the answer.

"Daniel, shouldn't we have this discussion some other time?" In his own way, Sam knew the Colonel was asking Daniel to back down, at least for the moment. Trust Daniel not to take the hint.

"No, I don't think so." Sam could also understand what her teammate was trying to do. By honestly putting his concerns out in front of the Eurondans, he was hoping for an equally honest response. Diplomatic game-playing and "saving face" was not Daniel's strong suit.

The leader of the Eurondans seemed unaware of the tennis match going on. "Surely you can understand our desire to end a war that has lasted for a generation."

Daniel was all sincerity. "No, I do understand that Alar, I do. It's just that the Stargate, because it's capable of transporting your people to another world entirely...."

"But I have told you. Thousands of our people are in stasis!"

"Well, take them out of stasis and find a new home," Daniel argued. Sam could feel O'Neill's impatience mounting.

"Then, what would all of this have been for?" asked Alar. "This is our home."

From the nods around the table, the other Eurondans agreed wholeheartedly with their leader.

Daniel was nothing if not persistent and was seldom known to back down from an argument when he thought he was right. "I'm sorry. I just don't understand why you would want to continue to fight a war when there's another choice."

The Colonel had finally had enough. "Daniel, you heard the man."

But the young scientist had the bit between his teeth and was going for the fence. "You said yourself, the atmosphere is poisoned. What is there left to win?"

They would never know the answer to that question. Another bombardment hit, shaking the room hard enough to cause a dust storm of falling plaster. Klaxons wailed and alarm lights began to flash as Alar and the other Eurondans excused themselves and ran to their stations.

O'Neill's anger bubbled over. "Next time I tell you to shut up...."

"I didn't hear you tell me to shut up."

"Too subtle for ya."

"For once, yes. Will you hear me out?"

Sam felt like diving for cover as the two strong-willed men clashed. These conflicts were inevitable given the diametrically opposite world views they each held, but rarely did things get so bad, so quickly, and in such a precarious situation. She jumped as the Colonel snapped out her name.

"Carter! Our standing orders, what are they?"

Keep it simple, Sam. Just answer the question and see if they can work this out themselves. "To seek new allies and procure new technologies to aid in the defense against the Goa'uld."

"And have we carried out those orders?"

Daniel wasn't buying into the military question and answer period. "We came here to help," he reminded them.

"Is that not what we are doing, Daniel Jackson?" Teal'c was clearly puzzled by the sudden animosity between his two comrades. The room shook with another bomb impact.

"No, their world is in flames and we're offering gasoline. How is that help?"

"We are, in fact, offering water." Teal'c was at his literal best.

"Thank you," threw in O'Neill, clearly seeing the Jaffa's reply as a sign of support.

"I was speaking metaphorically."

"Well, stop it! It isn't fair to Teal'c." Her C.O.'s pause allowed Sam to take a breath, hoping the worse was over. She was wrong. "Decision's made," said O'Neill, clearly dismissing the entire disagreement.

"This mission has never had anything to do with helping them, has it? We came here to help ourselves." Daniel's eyes held a world of betrayal.

"Carter, take Daniel back with you. Tell Hammond we struck pay dirt."

"Yes, Sir." It might have been cowardly of her but it seemed best if the two men separated. Maybe they'd both have time to cool off. Yeah, and where did the devil leave his ice skates?

"You don't give a damn about what's going to happen to them." Daniel was practically shaking with anger. "You want their technology and you're taking advantage of the situation!"

"Yes, I am, Daniel! They're getting something they want. We're getting everything we want! I don't have a problem with that." Sam was glad there was a stout table standing between the combatants; not sure that the circumstances wouldn't have deteriorated to physical blows otherwise. "Carter!"

"We're on our way, Sir." Sam silently pleaded with Daniel to let it go but he was too far-gone and she was too 'military' for him to care.

"This conversation isn't over."

"No, you're right, Daniel. It's never over with you. It's always the same damn thing!"

That seemed to snap something inside. "This has nothing to do with me," Daniel argued.

"You even realize what they're offering?"

"At what price?"

There's always a price. That's what Daniel was trying to tell us about the Eurondans then, and what he tried to tell the Kelonans just yesterday. Everything has a price tag and if you're not very, very careful, you can end up bankrupt. Daniel told me once that he saw Teal'c and Jack as our "protectors" but he's just as bad. They might protect our bodies, but Daniel guards our souls. I guess he and the Colonel are more alike than they think.

We could use the Eurondan stasis device now, though. If there was a cost to getting their technology, I just hope that Daniel's life isn't the price we have to pay for not getting it.

I get up and start to wander around the room again, my eyes randomly falling on this or that object. Some I recognize, most I don't - musty papers, artifacts from a dozen different worlds, notes with his fluid handwriting sticking every which way. How did he ever keep track of all this...stuff? I know how hard it can be when you're involved in twenty different projects all at the same time. I can only survive by keeping things as orderly as possible. I can't even begin to explain how Daniel knows where to lay his hands on this or that journal or a particular book that held one obscure passage that would clarify the meaning of an entire culture's worldview. He always does, though.

My hand brushes by his computer mouse and his monitor lights up a corner of his desk. I don't even resist the urge to look at the screen. Several scanned pictures of a variety of statues are tiled side by side. The words "A Comparison of Human, Humanoid, and Non-Human Deity Figures" is typed in bold face underneath. Ah, Daniel - ever the scholar. Even knowing that it would never be published, he couldn't resist the lure of putting down his discoveries on paper.

I go back and re-read the title and feel the tug of a small smile. We've all gotten fairly used to the idea that there's more than one definition of sentient life, but Daniel is the master of "keeping an open mind until proved otherwise." It isn't just his recognition of that life that's so amazing but the respect that he has for it, regardless of its form, shape, or smell.

"Can this information be used to stop the alien ship?"

Sam followed the General into the briefing room having filled him in on Lotan's announcement on the ship. "I don't see how, Sir," she said, taking her seat.

"That's assuming we have the right to stop them at all." Daniel's quiet response was obviously connected to Hammond's question.

Sam wished she had a camera to capture the look on her commander's face. "Excuse me?"

"I don't mean to sound insensitive to the Enkarans but we'd be interfering with the rebirth of an entire civilization. If you believe Lotan, an incredibly advanced, civilized, and peaceful one."

"So the best society wins." The Colonel's tone had taken on a cold edge and Sam felt her stomach muscles tighten. Oh, God, not again.

"No, I wasn't saying that," Daniel replied defensively.

"We're talking about a bunch of freeze-dried aliens whose civilization was lost a long time ago. The Enkarans are there now!" O'Neill's voice had raised a decibel or two and Sam wished she could sink into her chair. Either that or bash the two stubborn men's heads together. Anything to stop the impending argument.

"Well, I don't want to see anything happen to them either," said Daniel, his own body language declaring battle.

Apparently, General Hammond was equally aware of potential danger in this conversation and tried to divert both men. "What about this robot? Can he be convinced to delay the transformation long enough for us to relocate the Enkarans?"

"The robot's a robot, Sir," Jack answered tersely.

"He's basically just a messenger, Sir." Sam felt compelled to offer a bit of clarification. She didn't get the chance to do more.

"But he was created in the image of the Enkarans so they could relate to him, understand his explanation for what was happening and why," Daniel was starting to sound excited and Sam fervently prayed that he was getting an idea. "Now that could work to our advantage."

"How?" O'Neill challenged.

"Well, it might make him more sympathetic to their plight."

"It's a robot!" It was obvious that the Colonel was not going to back down on this one an inch.

"He's an incredibly advanced alien creation. We shouldn't just assume he isn't capable of reason or feelings."

Sam had to intervene. Daniel's tendency to anthropomorphism was getting out of hand. "Well, he didn't seem very concerned with helping," she gently reminded her teammate.

"Well, if he's capable of learning, we might be able to get him to think outside of his programming."

"What if he isn't and we can't?" O'Neill threw down the proverbial gauntlet.

"What do you propose, Colonel?" General Hammond was good. Get all the options and then make a decision.

"I say we throw everything we've got at that ship!"

Sam eyes widened at the suggestion. Was the Colonel prepared to take it that far? Could she go along with this? She risked a glance at Daniel. He was staring as if his friend had grown two heads. Sam's heart sank. It was so hard to see these two men at loggerheads and it was becoming an all too familiar scenario. Thankfully, the archaeologist held his peace, obviously hoping that the General would handle it. He wasn't to be disappointed.

"I'm sorry. I can't authorize a military strike in this situation, Colonel."

O'Neill regrouped with a visible effort. "Look, General, I apologize if this seems to have taken on a personal edge for me but we've spent months getting to know these people. They trusted us and we screwed up."

Sam wasn't exactly sure how they could have known about Lotan and the ship but she could understand the Colonel's feelings of responsibility. And that responsibility was something that she knew her commander took very seriously.

"I understand your feeling," the General echoed Sam's thoughts. "We've all invested a lot in this operation. No one wants to see it end up badly for the Enkarans."

"But you're not going to give me any effective weapons or personnel." Jack's voice was bitter.

The General knew better than address the tone of his 2IC. "Find another way out of this," he ordered.

And you did, didn't you, Daniel? Saved both races and never looked back. Of course, you never noticed the cost to the rest of us either. I'm not sure I ever saw the Colonel move more slowly than he did at the end of that mission, knowing that he pushed that button. I never told you about the lump of lead that settled in the pit of my stomach when he told me you were on the ship. It's now or never, I told him, thinking he would find an alternative to blowing up his perceived enemy. I should have known better. Colonel O'Neill is a professional soldier down to his toenails and personal feelings would just have to take a back seat in order to get the job done. But those feelings would have come out eventually, and it would have been the end of him. Damn it, Daniel! Don't you know what your death would have done, will do, to us?

"Carter?"

I jump a bit, hearing the voice I both hoped for and dreaded. "Colonel? Is Daniel...?"

"He's okay," the Colonel interrupts. Given the frown and the glance down to the floor, I gather he's regretting that choice of phrase. But it's enough to stop the bile that just tried to tunnel its way up my throat. "What are you doing here?"

It's my turn to avoid his eyes. "I'm not really sure, Sir. Thinking, I guess."

"Right." He wanders into the office and idly picks up a book. And puts it down. Picks up another one and puts it down.

"Sir?"

He looks up at me, almost as if he'd forgotten my presence. I can't help but wonder what demons he's facing at the moment. I'm afraid to ask.

"Jonas is back."

"What? Why?" A million thoughts rush into my head, collide, and knock each other out, leaving me a blank.

The Colonel shrugs as he carefully moves a stack of papers and hoists himself up on a not too steady looking table. "He brought us some of that naquadria."

I blink, not really sure how to respond. It was obvious that my CO has more on his mind and I flashback to the incident with the Enkarans. He's moving that slowly again. I give him enough space to tell me what he has to.

Taking a deep breath, he risks a quick glance in my direction. "He also told his government what really happened."

"And?"

"They don't believe him."

I close my eyes in disbelief. I shouldn't be surprised by stupidity and close-mindedness anymore but I keep hoping that other races would do better than we poor humans.

"He also told the General and me what happened." The Colonel's voice is soft, tentative.

I swallow against the lump that's trying to close off my oxygen supply. The end result speaks for itself. Do I really want to know everything else? I mean, in the grand scheme of things, is there anything worth the price of losing Daniel?

He must take my silence for consent and begins to talk. The Colonel's words slowly flow over me. He paints a picture I can see all too clearly in my mind's eye - the two of them talking in the observation room. Daniel, trying to get across once again that weapons of mass destruction are not the answer, and failing. The sudden panic when the reactor begins its meltdown, the deafening sound of alarms, the smell of fear and gunpowder as Daniel fires at the window - flinging himself through to his own destruction.

Oh God, Daniel! You saved us all. There would have been no way we could have left the planet in time. You saved us, Jonas, the Kelonans, all of us! I can feel my knees starting to buckle and barely feel the Colonel's arm as he guides me to a chair. I don't even remember when I stood up. But I must have, right? Knees can't buckle unless you're standing.

"Carter?"

I can feel a flush of redness creeping up my face. I can't lose it. Not now and certainly not in front of my CO. "I'm all right, Sir."

"Yeah, just like the rest of us." He tries to squat down in front of me but seems to think better of it as he hooks another chair with his foot and drags it closer. He gives me a self-deprecating half-grin as he sits. "My knees aren't what they used to be."

He looks around the room again as if this were the first time he's been here, his fingertips clapping together in nervousness. "So... thinking, huh?"

"Yes, Sir."

"About?"

I'm getting good at being evasive. I look away after taking a quick glance around the room. How can I explain this? Should I even try? There's a look of desperation in the Colonel's... Jack's face. His burden has got to be even heavier than mine. He's known Daniel longer than any of us and their "push-me, pull-you" relationship is the stuff of legends here at the SGC. How fair is it to dump my feelings into the mix?

He's searching my face, looking for answers that I just don't have. He'd never say anything but I can't help having another flash of guilt. I know I can't change physics or human physiology but I'm letting them down, all of them - my team, General Hammond, Janet, and Daniel. All this soul-searching and I still have no answers. I look down at my useless hands in my lap.

"It's not your fault, Sam," he murmurs, his hands pressing against my knees as he leans forward to catch my eyes. He holds my attention for an eternity. He also hardly ever calls me by my first name. As if embarrassed by showing too many emotions, the Colonel abruptly pushes back his chair and stands, taking a step or two backwards. "I told the General you'd want to take charge of the naquadria. I know you've been itching to get your hands on the technology."

"You just couldn't wait to get your hands on the technology, could you?"

Sam was hard pressed to decide which stunned her most, Daniel's words, or his appearance. He stood in the corridor, blocking her off from the rest of her clean up crew, his eyes red rimmed and puffy. He was also cradling his clearly broken and swollen arm. "Daniel, what? Are you...?"

"You heard me," he interrupted harshly. "You just don't get it, even after all this time. When it comes to some shiny new toy, you're as cold as the rest of them." He shook his head as if to clear it. "I keep forgetting you are military."

Sam was appalled by his words and the shock she was feeling was the only thing keeping her from smacking him across the mouth. She had to take a deep breath in order to unclench the tightness in her jaw. "Daniel, look, I don't know what you're talking about but obviously you're hurt." Sam tried hard to tamp down her anger at this sudden attack but wasn't succeeding well. She was also way too conscious of the furtive glances being thrown their way by the other members of the crew. She held out her hand and took a step towards her injured teammate. She'd sort this out once Daniel was himself. "Let's just get you to the infirmary."

The bereft man backed away, grimacing in pain as he inadvertently jiggled his arm with the movement. "Don't! I don't need your help."

Taking another step forward, Sam swiped her pass card through the electronic lock and closed the blast doors behind her. She really didn't need an audience right now and neither did Daniel, though she hoped that one of the SF's would be smart enough to call for a medical team. What she did need was a second to focus on something other than the man standing in front of her. She took another deep breath as the door shut with a satisfying thud. Turning back, she allowed herself to take a closer look at her teammate.

Despite all the stories around that floated around the base, Daniel rarely broke down into tears, even when seriously hurt. It was seeing the wetness glistening in his eyes, threatening to slip down his face, that convinced the Major something had gone very wrong. It was this more than anything that caused her anger to evaporate. Tempering her tone, she asked softly, "What happened?"

"Oh, you know, the usual," he began sarcastically. "Jack came in guns a-blazing and put a hole right through Reese's chest. Never mind that I was getting through to her, that she was going to shut them down! Never mind that he killed the one thing that might have helped us stop the replicators once and for all! Never mind that I promised..." His voice broke into pieces, part anger, part terrible remorse. He retreated until his back hit the wall and he slid down into a crumpled heap. He supported his bad arm between his knees and his chest, his head hung low. He swiped his other hand through his hair which was damp with sweat. "I promised no one would hurt her," he mumbled.

Sam cautiously approached her stricken teammate. "Daniel, I'm sure he didn't know."

"He knew," Daniel hissed. "He knew because you told him."

Sam was confused. Daniel was aware that she was monitoring his situation in the gate room. In fact, he was counting on her to let the colonel know his situation since he was going in unarmed. Why would Daniel be upset with her for protecting him? "I told him you were in trouble."

"You told him she was losing control," he corrected.

Ah. Oh. Shit. Sam felt her stomach lurch. "Daniel, I thought she was," she said defensively.

"But you didn't know, you weren't there!" His eyes blazed with anger.

Sam struggled to stay calm. It really wouldn't help if lost her cool here, but her enraged teammate was pushing her hard. She sank down in front of him, sitting cross-legged on the floor. "I know what I saw, Daniel. She was starting to lose control of the situation."

"She was nothing to him! ' The robot has been neutralized.' Just like that, like he was talking about a rock." Daniel glared at her. "You felt the same way despite everything we've seen. Don't tell me you didn't!"

Was that true? Sam felt herself flinch from his accusation. She had been excited certainly by the possible options Reese offered; had been challenged to get her power cell restored. In fact though, she had been bemused by Daniel's insistence that they go slow and have consideration for its, or rather, her "feelings." What did he see that she missed? It didn't matter any more, did it? Except to Daniel. It meant a lot to him. "I'm sorry," she offered. It was all she could do. She hoped it would be enough.

Daniel stared for a moment and then seemed to withdraw, his eyes losing their intensity. He hung his head again to his chest. "I told her we might be able to fix her, that she should shut off her toys and go to sleep." When he raised his head, tears streamed down the sides of his face, his gaze distant and unseeing. "I promised her I would wake her myself."

Sam felt her own tears welling up and scooted herself closer, reaching out to take hold of his good arm. "Daniel, I'm so sorry," she said again. "Maybe the Asgard can still do something. Maybe the Tok'ra if..."

He slowly shook his head, cutting off her words. Then he looked at her directly. "Maybe, Sam. But that isn't the point." He gave her a sad grin, obviously noting her confusion. He put his head back against the wall and gazed briefly at the ceiling before closing his eyes. "I'm just really tired of having this same battle. It just doesn't seem like I'm making any difference at all."

Sam opened her mouth to protest but was interrupted by the sight of Janet and her medical team bearing down on them from the other end of the hallway. It was quite apparent that the SGC's CMO was not pleased that SGC's leading archaeologist/linguist had not reported directly to her infirmary.

She was startled out of her musing by Daniel's grip on her arm. She looked back at him, surprised as he leaned forward. "Promise me something, Sam," he whispered hurriedly. He was aware that time was running out. "Promise me that you'll try and see the bigger picture. That you won't get lost in the technology. Promise me that you'll try and figure out what's really important."

Sam could only nod as Janet swooped in like a bird of prey and whisked Daniel off to her aerie.

"Carter? You okay?" The Colonel's moved back to my side and is giving my arm a little shake as I come back to the present.

"Um, yes, Sir," I croak out, needing to clear my throat.

"You sure? You sort of zoned out there for a minute." His eyes are full of concern, and something more.

I can't help a blush. "I'm fine, Colonel."

He steps away again and I find it a little easier to breathe. "Did you hear what I said about the naquadria?"

"Yeah." I have to shake the fuzziness from my head. "Yes, Sir." My body just doesn't seem to belong to me and I just sit.

After about thirty seconds of inactivity, the Colonel's impatience kicks in. "So...?"

"Sir?"

"So, you're going down now to take care of the naquadria, right?"

Suddenly, everything is so clear. "No, Sir."

Jack's eyebrows raise almost to his hairline. "No, sir? Uh, Carter?"

I feel myself smiling - not a smile of joy, or happiness, but one of resolution. This is what Daniel was talking about. I get it. I understand now and know what I have to say. "I'll take care of it, Sir," I reply, "but there's something else I need to do first."

"Okay. Whenever." The Colonel's obviously confused but he's willing to give me some space.

I give him another smile and briefly touch his arm in thanks. I walk from Daniel's office, leaving Jack behind. Maybe he can find his own answers there as well.

The isolation room is quiet except for the soft beeps of the monitors. Part of me is surprised to find Daniel left alone, but another newly discovered part just accepts it. It's as if it's all been arranged somehow. This is our time together - Daniel's and mine. He needs to hear what I have to say.

I experience a second of panic as I wonder if this acceptance means that I've given up hope but I know that's not true. I'm not accepting Daniel's death. I'll never do that, but I know that there are still things that need to be said. I'm able to do that now.

I move further into the room, pushing a chair closer to his bed. Everything seems to recede as I gaze down on the closed eyes of my teammate, my friend, my should-have-been brother.

"Just so you know, Jonas had a change of heart. He stole some naquadria for us." Daniel's eyes remain closed but it still feels as if he's looking at me. "He took a big risk and he said it was because of what you did. I think it could be important and I wanted you to know that."

I have to pause, my heart so full that it fills my chest and is pushing against my throat. "You have an effect on people, Daniel," I continue. I can feel the tears beginning to fall down my cheeks. "The way you look at things, it changed me too."

My hand moves to his shoulder. I need to know he's real, that he'll hear me, that somehow he'll know he's made a difference. "I... I see what really matters," I assure him, even as my voice breaks. I can feel my heart pounding, almost suffocating me as I come to the end. "I don't know why we wait to tell people how we really feel. I guess I hoped you always knew."

I love you, Daniel, I say in the silence of my mind, knowing that he'll understand what my voice can no longer say out loud. I can only sit here, holding on to him, praying that he'll find a way to stay with us. Please, Daniel, hold on just a little longer.

I'm not sure how long I've been sitting here, crying, hoping, but I feel Janet's arm slip around my shoulder. "I'm sorry, Sam. I have to change his dressings," she says quietly. She looks me. "Should I come back later?"

"No, we're done." I give Daniel's arm a final gentle squeeze, and then wipe away the worst of the wetness from my face. I step away from the bed, giving her room to work. My heart feels like lead.

"Sam..." She's obviously torn about needing to tend to Daniel but also wanting to comfort me.

"It's okay, Janet. Do what you need to do," I reassure her.

Janet is a dear friend but she's not able to give me what I need. As close as she is to me, and as important as she is in our lives around here, she's not a member of our team. I need, I need...

I look up and see Teal'c hovering in the doorway. He's got something in his hand but he clearly doesn't want to interrupt. And I know what I need.

I move towards my teammate. I don't say anything because I don't have to. Silently, I stand in front of him, stepping closer to let my head drop to his chest. I take some measure of relief in the sound of his strong heartbeat. His arms come up and embrace me. It's enough for now.

I finally pull away, and smile my thanks. Teal'c nods in return.

I take one final look at our fallen teammate. I won't give up on you, Daniel. Hang on. Dad should be here soon. Please, God, let Dad be here soon.

The End