THE ATTACK OF THE KILLER PICKLES
This bit by Arrietty
Jack slammed his locker door shut. If he hurried, he could catch Carter before she left the base. Teal’c and Daniel were coming. Now he just had to get hold of Carter to join them. Moving swiftly through the grey corridors, he made his way towards her lab. Popping his head around the corner of the door, he was disappointed to only see a few technicians tidying up at the end of the day. There was no sign of Carter.
“Have you seen Major Carter?” he asked leaning on the doorjamb.
“No, sir,” one answered, while the other shook her head. Just then, Siler’s head popped up over the counter. Obviously he had been working on something at floor level.
“Colonel O'Neill. She has gone home.”
Trying not to let his disappointment show, he nodded his thanks to Siler and left the lab.
~*~
On Monday morning, nearly all the members of SG-1 were kitted up and waiting in the gate room.
“Sorry I’m late, sir.” Major Carter puffed out, as she jogged in. Apart from her normal gear, she was carefully carrying a sports bag in one hand.
Nodding to Carter, O'Neill looked pointedly at the sports bag.
“Whatchya got there, Carter?”
Giving an almost secret smile, she answered him with, “Some special supplies for my dad.”
He smiled back at her. “Okay,” he answered and then turned towards the open wormhole. “Let’s move out, team.”
~*~
Major Carter loved her dad very much, but at this very minute, she was wishing that he didn’t have such unusual tastes. The bag was getting heavier as the journey progressed. With a sinking heart, she had heard the Tok’ra that met them by the Stargate say that they had to walk for four hours to reach the underground tunnels. Previously, they had had too much trouble with the Goa’uld targeting them, when they had realised that the Tok’ra always had the tunnels close to the Stargate.
Wearily, Sam placed the bag onto the sandy ground as the colonel had called for a break. Jack distinctly heard the clink of glass on glass as the bag settled on the ground.
“Awwww, c’mon, Carter. Are you holding out on us? You’ve got something wet and cold in there, haven’t you?”
“Well…yes, sir. It is wet and coldish, but not what you think and anyway, we couldn’t. Not while on duty.” She finished her sentence with a grin.
Quickly, she zipped open the sports bag and rearranged something inside. Once again Jack could hear the clink of glass banging against glass. Before the curious colonel could make his way over to Carter, she had managed to zip the bag closed. Standing up, with the bag firmly in one hand, she smiled at the colonel with almost a hint of smugness surrounding her lips.
Fortunately, it was only another hour before they reached the tunnels. By now, Sam was definitely beginning to have serious second thoughts about accepting requests from her father ever again.
“So, Carter, what are we doing here again?” asked Jack, as they sat down around a table, waiting for the Tok’ra dignitaries to arrive.
Sam tried not to look too frustrated as she knew that the colonel knew exactly why they were there. But to humour him, she replied anyway.
“The Tok’ra have designed a new device that will detect Goa’uld symbiotes within hosts. Basically, it is a ‘Naquadah Detector’, but can detect even small traces of naquadah in a host.”
Jack rolled his eyes and said, “So, nothing that will destroy the snakeheads then?”
“Err… no, sir.” Bending down from her seat, she unzipped the sports bag. Unnoticed by her, the other three members of SG-1 craned their necks forward to catch a glimpse of the elusive object or objects that were in the bag. With an almost triumphant air, Sam pulled out a glass jar, barrel shaped and dark green. They could hear it gurgle as she set it on the table with a thud.
“PICKLES!” Jack exclaimed. Then laughed, “And I thought you had beer in there.”
“Yes, Dad loves his pickles. Especially when they are this old,” she said with pride.
“Why, MajorCarter, how old are they?”
“These particular ones, Teal’c, are at least four years old. I made some more this weekend, to replace them. Dad hasn’t had pickles since he became a Tok’ra and he misses them,” she said almost sadly. “I am glad you are here, Teal’c, as the lids seemed to be rusted shut.” Then she bent down and lifted out another jar.
“Two? Does he like them that much, Carter?”
Sam stopped briefly what she was doing to answer him. “Yes, sir. These are so powerful, they can blow your brains out,” she finished with a large grin.
Just as Sam lifted the fourth and last jar onto the table, Anise came into the room. She gave an almost sickly smile at the colonel and then looked over at Sam who was just letting go of the fourth jar.
With a suddenness that took them all by surprise, Anise, stepped back against the wall of the tunnel, lifted the back of her hand to her mouth and let out a gurgled scream.
“What…have…you…done?” Anise shouted at Sam. “You bring that here. You’ve betrayed us.” With that said, she ran from the room.
All four members of SG-1 looked at each other in bewilderment. Just then the warning siren went off as though the Tok’ra were under attack. Before they had a chance to go for their weapons, they were surrounded with Tok’ra; all with zat’nik’atel’s aimed at them.
“Why did you bring destruction to us?” A male Tok’ra asked.
“And who are you?” Jack challenged, glaring at him.
“My name is Tareeth and I ask again, why have you brought destruction among us?”
“Hey! Listen pal, Tureen, we haven’t brought any destruction to you. What do you mean?”
“That!” Tareeth pointed to the four innocent looking jars of pickles on the table. Just then, Jacob walked into the room.
“What is going on, Tareeth? Jack?” He looked anxiously over at his daughter Sam. Getting no answer, he moved forward and stood in front of Jack. “What is going on?”
“Well, Tureen ‘ere, says we have brought doom and despair onto all of you.”
Jacob turned around and looked at Tareeth. “Explain yourself.”
“It’s the Gherki. They will destroy us all.”
“Gherki? I don’t understand.” Following the gaze of Tareeth, he looked over at the table at the four jars of pickles. Frowning, he seemed lost in thought for a while and then started laughing out loud. But not for long, as Selmac explained to Jacob exactly what Gherki could do.
“Sam!” He shouted at her. “Put those out of sight and get them away from here. Now.”
“Why, Dad? They’re only pickles.”
“Don’t argue. Put them away. I will explain on the way back to the Stargate.”
~*~
Once again, Sam was complaining to herself about the fact that she had to lug these heavy jars all the way back to the Stargate. But as she listened intently to her father’s explanation about how dangerous they were to the Tok’ra symbiotes, she was only too happy to carry them the distance. Especially as now, they had found the ultimate weapon against the Goa’uld.
~*~
This bit by Osarisanhur
Several days later.
Jack skidded to a halt, extending his right arm to stop Daniel. Teal’c and Carter a couple of steps behind them. Time seemed to slow, as the four teammates stared at the Goa’uld and his group of armour clad Jaffa standing a couple of feet in front of them. They were blocking their only means of escape.
Jack sighed inwardly. This was not supposed to be happening. Could this day get any worse? I mean, for goodness sake! We’re standing here, facing off against one mean sadistic Goa’uld and his six Jaffa, who just happen to be blocking our only means of escape. And we haven’t got a single weapon between us. Not one. But…
Daniel caught the slight movement of Jack’s hand in his pocket. Immediately, he realised what Jack was doing. Daniel’s eyes widened in shock and disbelief.
“Jack! You can’t be seriously considering using them.”
Sam snorted behind them. She obviously knew the Colonel better.
The Goa’uld slowly opened his mouth, as the Jaffa raised their staff weapons. O’Neill’s hand withdrew from his pocket with something held in his fist. He lobbed the object at the Goa’uld’s gaping mouth. It sailed through the air, scoring a direct hit.
“Nice shot, sir.”
“Thanks, Carter.”
Daniel just stared in disbelief.
Teal’c’s eyebrow shot up.
The Jaffa turned to their god in confusion.
The Goa’uld’s mouth snapped shut, as the object landed in it. His eyes grew wide and began to fill as tears spilt and ran down his cheeks. Jack and his team began to back away slowly.
Steam began to pour from the Goa’uld’s ears. Slowly at first, but picking up speed making him look like a cartoon character; as his brains exploded out of his skull to paint the ceiling above.
Stunned, the Jaffa scattered, leaving SG1 where they were.
Daniel with his chin resting against his chest in total shock.
Sam wide-eyed and silent.
Teal’c looking as he always does.
And Jack stood looking at the ceiling and smiling. “Coooooool! Exploding gherkins. Who’d have thought?”
“O’Neill! Should we not make our escape?”
“Yes, T, we should. Now that an opportunity has arisen.”
With a last look at the resulting carnage, the team ran, following the corridor to their escape. Hopefully, without any further delays. Jack’s hand clamped tightly onto their secret weapon, just in case.
This bit by Arrietty
“Well, it worked, sir,” Sam puffed out as they jogged their way to the Stargate.
Jack said with a broad grin across his face. “I just knew, Carter that you would come up with something someday, to finally rid us of the Goa’uld.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“And how many of these did you say that you can make in a day?”
The End
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The Attack of the Killer Pickles
by Arrietty, OsarisAnhurStory Bemerkung:
This fic is the product of a very (not) sensible conversation on Jackfic chat recently. Lol. So if you were brave enough to read it, we would love to hear what you think. Thanks goes to our beta readers Starry eyed surprised and Crash, who started it all in the first place by eating pickles. All flames will be pickled in brine. Arrietty and Osarisanhur.Warning: Utter stupidity, read at your own risk. ;)
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