Warmth... there was warmth in this place... and safety... and peace... and belonging... It would be a safe place to return to but... but now he had to leave it... he had to drift inwards... had to find... a place... a place where there was no peace... or safety... where he could never belong... where there was no warmth to be found... He wanted to resist. To hover forever in the warm place... but he couldn't... too much was unknown... and yet... perhaps it should remain that way...? Perhaps it was best not to know...
Daniel jerked suddenly and pulled a face. Immediately alert, Teal'c half-opened an eye, "Daniel Jackson?"
Irritably, Daniel said, "It's no use. I... I can't see anything else."
Stoically, Teal'c replied, "The purpose of any form of meditation is to free one's mind, Daniel Jackson. It requires not only silence without but also silence within. You cannot merely use it to search within your mind. It is not Google."
Unable to resist a brief chuckle at the comment, Daniel quickly sobered and replied, "I know... I'm just... I mean, I feel like I'm stopping myself."
Closing his eyes again, Teal'c replied, "Then perhaps you are correct, Daniel Jackson."
"You think I secretly don't want to remember?"
"It is possible."
Daniel scanned the ceiling of Teal'c's quarters. Candlelight danced across it. For R'yac and Bra'tac's sake, he was glad he'd remembered about seeing their capture but, now, he just couldn't rid himself of the feeling that it was all in their somewhere - his whole memory from when he ascended. The missing pieces of the jigsaw. And he knew that a part of him wanted to leave it all buried away and just focus on the here and now but, when you got right down to it, a person was their memories. He, of all people knew that. That guy, Arrom, that he'd been on Vis Uban, bore similarities to Daniel Jackson but they weren't the same person. Was he any better now? Over a year of his lif... dea... existence was a total blank. Could he just keep pretending that he was the Daniel Jackson from before? Pretend that nothing had changed?
The others tried to. Jack was all with the wisecracks, Sam was already back to playing ‘cut-up the sci-fi film' and Teal'c... well, actually, Teal'c just accepted him... changed or not. Daniel had never thought there'd be a time when the only team-member he felt he could talk totally freely and comfortably to was Teal'c. With the others there was... a false ‘brightness' to everything. Sam babbled inanely with a grin on her face like she'd had one too many pixie sticks but the last truly in-depth conversation they'd had was the one back on Vis Uban. He'd felt the passion behind her words when she talked about the man he used to be and had misinterpreted it as something romantic so had asked her, ‘was there ever anything between us'?'. After being slightly taken aback at the question and correcting him, she'd replied, ‘we were really really good friends'. And they had been... they'd been closer than family but... but now there was nothing but conversations about ludicrous sci-fi films. There'd always been that playful, teasing, side to their relationship but... but that didn't used to be all there was to it. They used to talk about anything and everything but he just couldn't get close to her anymore.
And Jack. Well, the playful banter had come back before the memory and he wasn't altogether sure that the whole ‘Jim' thing hadn't been a subconscious Star Trek joke at Jack's expense but... again, there was distance. Jack was a little better than Sam when he mentioned something about being ascended. Sam's face fell so sharply you could feel it even if you were facing the other way. And her voice would get strained. If you were looking at her, you could see the hurt and betrayal creep involuntarily into her eyes so she'd have no choice but to look away and swiftly change the topic. In comparison, Jack's expression would stay placid enough but... but that was just Jack's guard and he'd had a long time to perfect it. Unfortunately, Daniel had a lot of experience of seeing past Jack's guard and he could see those same emotions in Jack. Hurt. Betrayal.
Only in Teal'c's eyes did he find warmth and acceptance when he talked about his time ascended. Teal'c had said that he was ‘eternally grateful' to him for watching over him for three days. Well, Daniel felt that eternal gratitude would be somewhat inadequate for Teal'c's unfailing belief in... hey... hang on a second...
Looking back down from the ceiling, Daniel saw that Teal'c's eyes were still closed, "Teal'c."
Opening his eyes, the cross-legged Jaffa said, "Daniel Jackson?"
"Will you help me remember?"
"If I can do so, Daniel Jackson, then I shall. What do you propose?"
Jack O'Neill slouched back in the chair and tried to aim up his shot. Deciding he had it about right, he launched the projectile. It was right on target.
"Yes! Three points to Minnesota."
Jack - possibly not as part of his quest to help save earth from being destroyed by Anubis - was absorbed in the oh-so-engaging pastime of scrunching up pages of Daniel and Carter's latest pre-mission reports and trying to get them through the little basket-ball hoop thing there was above his waste-paper basket at the other end of the room. There were an array of paper balls scattered across the floor from various botched attempts but he was on a lucky streak now. And Minnesota was beating Colorado hands down.
As he scrunched up what he was sure was a particularly fascinating page of Carter's techno babble, Jack said, "All right, Colorado's got some catching up to do so they'd better make every shot count..."
Slouching back, he pulled his arm back to launch it. As his arm moved forward, the door suddenly opened but, before his brain could stop it, his hand had released the projectile.
Wincing, Jack said, "Hey, Carter."
Not having expected to be ambushed by a hostile paper ball, Sam looked slightly startled for a second before reaching down to where the offending ball now lay.
Jack was speaking as she began to unfurl the ball, "Sorry, I didn't mean to hit ya there - you just kinda got between me and the..."
He trailed off as she began reading the crumpled page, "Ahh... Carter... I can..."
Sam looked up sharply, "This is a page from my report for our next mission."
Jack knew playing ignorant was only stalling for time but he hadn't any better ideas so he said, "Is it?"
But she'd seen all the other balls on the floor. She reached down for another one which she unfurled and said, "And so is this one..."
"Oh?"
After she had unfurled yet another one, she said, "And this is from Daniel's one."
"You don't say?"
Carter just looked at him before saying, "Don't you think your time might be a little better spent actually reading the reports?"
"Carter, in your report, I understand about one word in every hundred - usually ‘and'."
"And Daniel's?"
"Daniel uses many words I understand. Many many words. Many many many words. That's why I find it useful to..."
"Throw his reports in the trash?"
"And hence file them accurately."
Smiling with the acidic smile of doom, Sam brightly said, "Oh, so that goes for mine too, I take it."
"Ah..."
Realising he'd kind of talked his way into a corner, he stood up and came round the desk, "So, anyway, you came to see me?"
As he began picking up the pieces of paper, Sam said, "What...? Oh yeah, I was wanting to talk to you about something."
Bending down, she picked up another ball.
Tossing the balls he'd collected into the waste-paper basket, Jack said, "Shoot."
"Well, it was just about... Daniel..."
Scooping up more errant paper balls, Jack asked, "What about him?"
"Just... it's just... don't you think things have gotten ‘normal' a little too quick?"
"Things around here may be many things, Carter, but ‘normal' isn't generally one of them."
"I know that, sir... it's just..."
"Just what?"
Pausing to think of what to say, Sam unfurled the paper ball she was holding and, rolling her eyes, resignedly, said, "And this page is not only from my report but also has a doodle of me on it."
"That could be anyone."
"And there's a speech-bubble bigger than me saying, ‘With all due respect, sir, you don't understand that the quantum variance of the inverted polarised flux... and then there's just a whole string of nonsense words."
"Ah, okay, that might be you then... and I believe we were talking about Daniel?"
Sam folded up the doodle neatly and deposited it in her pocket. Jack knew that that particular conversation was long from over but, for now, Sam believed the ‘Daniel' conversation took precedence. Jack dropped the last paper balls into the basket then sat down. After a few contemplative seconds, Sam took the other seat.
"Okay, so you think things got ‘normal' too fast?"
"Sir, Daniel barely even knew who he was when we starting planning our strike against Anubis. He was only just really getting to grips with it when there's was all that stuff with the... uh.... other you."
Grimacing slightly at the mention of his young clone, Jack motioned for Sam to continue.
After a pause, she said, "And then everything was just back to ‘normal'... only not really."
"You don't think he's back to normal?"
"I... I don't think we're back to normal. I know I'm not. I mean, maybe since he came to see you a couple of times you were used to it but I was just getting to grips with Daniel being ascended when he was... descended again..."
Jack noted the bitterness in her voice as she said, ‘he came to see you'. He should've realised Carter would've been hurt to find out that Daniel had visited both his other team-mates but hadn't come to see her. This really was a conversation Daniel and Sam should have but since Daniel didn't have any memory of that time, Jack figured he'd have to explain on his behalf.
"Look, Carter... Daniel didn't just drop in to say ‘hi'. I was... in a lot of trouble. That's the only reason he came the first time and I'm sure the same goes for Teal'c. And the second time was only because he needed to warn us about that ‘Eye of Ra' thing."
"You think I'm jealous he came to see you and didn't come to see me?"
"No. I think you're hurt. You think you missed him more than we did but he came to see us and never came to see you."
"I never thought that."
His eyes dropping to the desk, Jack said, "Carter, I let him go in the first place. You must've asked yourself why I'd do that if I cared about him as much as you did."
"I didn't blame you, sir. Daniel wanted to ascend. I don't even think he left willingly."
Jack's eye flicked up, "What makes you say that?"
"We... were sitting in the control-room. You know, when Daniel was looking through all the recent gate activity... and we kind of got talking about how frustrating it is for him to have no memory of being ascended and he said that the hardest thing... the hardest thing was not knowing if he chose to descend. He still thinks he maybe could've done more if he'd still been ascended and I..."
"And you what?"
"I felt angry at him for even thinking that. It was like... I'd wanted so much to have him back and then..."
His eyes back on the desk, Jack replied, "You got the feeling that he didn't really want to be back. Like you missed him but the feeling wasn't mutual."
Sam looked almost surprised at the insight from the Colonel, "Yes, sir... how did you...?"
"I... I guess I've kinda been thinking the same. Especially since this whole thing with Bra'tac and R'yac. Before he was trying to remember who he was before he ascended and that was like wanting to be a part of all this again... but now... now he's trying to remember being ascended and I just... it just..."
Sam finished his sentence, "It feels like losing him again."
They held each others gazes for a moment before Jack nodded slightly. Pulling her gaze down to the floor, Sam continued, "But I don't feel like I can talk to him about it... in case... in case I get answers I don't wanna hear, I guess. So...?"
"So, what?"
"D'you think I'm handling this wrong? I mean, should I open up to him about it or what?"
"That's your call, Major."
"What about you, sir? Are you going to talk to him about it?"
"Think maybe I have to get my own head straight before I go messin' with Danny's one."
"So you're saying you think I should wait a while?"
"No, I think you should make that call yourself, Carter."
"I... I just don't want to make this whole thing worse. Daniel's been kicking himself about what happened on Abydos ever since he found out about it and now the whole Jaffa camp thing's made him twice as bad. I just don't want to load any more guilt onto him. He doesn't deserve it."
"So you're angry with him?"
"No, of course I'm not..."
"Not even for leaving?"
"No... okay, maybe but..."
"But what? You don't think you've got the right to be angry at him?"
"It's... the memory thing made this all so complicated. On Abydos... Daniel and I didn't really get the chance to talk... maybe if we had things wouldn't feel so weird now. I can't ask the questions I wanna ask because Daniel can't remember the answers."
Looking down at the floor, she breathed, "And because I don't want to drive him away again."
Jack started at the comment, "Drive him away again? Carter, you never drove him away."
"I didn't help keep him here though, did I? I'd got so wrapped up in my own stuff that I hadn't even noticed how far he'd drifted away from me. Maybe if he'd really believed he still belonged here... he wouldn't have gone..."
"Daniel left because he wanted to, Carter. Not because of something you did."
He mentally added, ‘and if anyone's to blame for driving him away then it's damn well me'.
Warmth... from the candles, of course, but also from his friend... from him came the safety... and the peace... and the belonging... the place didn't matter... he was unafraid to leave it... and to drift inwards... had to find... that place... the place where there was no peace... or safety... where he could never belong... where there was no warmth to be found...
"Daniel Jackson."
... except that that he had brought with him. Teal'c's presence burned brighter than the multitude of candles that surrounded him. Daniel used him like a torch to push forward into the darkness. Teal'c's steadying voice would guide him.
"You are in a forest clearing, Daniel Jackson. It is early morning. The sky is clear and the grass still covered with dew. You stand and watch as the leaves upon the trees flutter in the morning breeze."
The part of Daniel that was more sort of observing than actually meditating thought that the image was very un-Jaffa. Teal'c must've been watching the Life channel again. Scolding himself for losing concentration he tried to focus on that place.
What was it Teal'c had said? Forest... right, that wasn't too hard with all the trees he'd trekked past these past seven years. Clear sky? Sure, no problem. Early morning? Okay. Grass with dew still on it? Right. Leaves fluttering in the breeze. Yep, there they go. Flutter, flutter, flutter... okay, maybe he should try a little harder...
Since the forest was the easy part he focused on that. He watched as the trees obediently lined up before him. But, as he turned to look around him, he realised that this wasn't a clearing but a grassland area with the forest up ahead. Oh well, it was detailed enough so he wouldn't get too hung up on technicalities. Now, the sky... was filling with clouds. Right, his brain obviously thought it was being funny or something. Well, it could just stop it because this was serious. Concentrating, he painted over the clouds with a clear blue sky. He'd imagined up conifers which didn't really have leaves but their branches were dancing around in something decidedly stronger than Teal'c's ‘morning breeze' and the blue sky he'd superimposed was looking somewhat like a big blue sheet stuck over the sky. Fine, clouds it is then. They matched better with the wind whipping at the trees anyhow. And what else was it Teal'c had asked for? Oh, right, dew. The ground... was wet alright but it wasn't dew. Instead, the clouds above had begun lashing down rain upon the ground. Oh, his imagination was certainly in a ‘Jack' type of mood today, wasn't it?
"Can you see this clearing, Daniel Jackson?"
Daniel was about to lie and say, ‘Yes', but decided against it, "No... it's all wrong."
"Please elaborate, Daniel Jackson."
Standing on the soaking grass, Daniel looked around and tried to verbally catalogue the faults, "It's raining... and cloudy and the wind is too strong and the trees don't have proper leaves and, anyway, I'm not in a clearing."
"Can you describe where you are, Daniel Jackson?"
"Uh, the forest is up ahead. I'm out in the open."
"Perhaps it is merely a large clearing?"
Not really sure why, Daniel decided to be adamant about it, "No, the forest only starts over there."
"Very well, Daniel Jackson."
"Maybe we should start over?"
"I believe we shall continue, for now, Daniel Jackson. Move towards the forest."
Obligingly, Daniel did so whilst feeling bad that he'd screwed up Teal'c's nice picture, "Okay, I'm moving toward it."
"Describe to me what you see, Daniel Jackson."
"The trees are getting closer. There's a gap after the first line of them."
"A path, Daniel Jackson?"
"No, it's a river."
"Very well, follow the river upstream."
Daniel began to walk along the riverbank.
"Can you see anything?"
"No... but something's broken."
"What is broken?"
"I don't know... um... and I'm not going upstream."
"For what reason?"
"I don't know. I thought I was but... but I just looked down and... and the river's flowing the same way as I'm walking. Should I turn around?"
"If you wish to continue in your current direction then do so."
Teal'c watched Daniel's expression become distinctly puzzled as he said, "There's something up ahead."
"Describe it."
"I... can't see it. I just know that there's something up ahead. And something's still broken. And I don't even know what it is. Oh, wait..."
After a pause, he continued, "Something's happening... there's a light... and... colours... swirling..."
Daniel took a sharp intake of breath and Teal'c watched as his eyes snapped open. However, Daniel didn't appear to be looking at him. Instead, he began breathing quickly and staring at the ground with an unnatural fixation.
Concerned, Teal'c said, "Daniel Jackson?"
Daniel didn't reply and just kept staring at the floor.
Waving a hand before Daniel's face, he said, "Daniel Jackson?"
Daniel's eyes didn't even flicker.
Extremely worried now, Teal'c shouted, "Daniel Jackson, you must awaken now!"
Daniel still failed to stir and the breathing grew quicker still.
Grabbing Daniel by the shoulders, Teal'c shook his friend, "Daniel Jackson! Daniel!"
Still unseeing, Daniel dipped his finger into the pool of liquid wax inside one of the candles and scored his arm with it. As he went to do it again, Teal'c said, "Daniel Jackson, what are you doing?"
Daniel said something but it wasn't in English. If Teal'c had to guess then he'd say it was Ancients. Trying to decide if he should call for help, Teal'c watched Daniel use the scalding wax to draw along his arm.
"Daniel Jackson, do not."
When Daniel kept on doing it, Teal'c grabbed his wrist. Daniel wrenched it away irritably and there was another flurry of Ancients. Teal'c decided that it was time to get some help. He picked up the phone as Daniel kept scoring burning wax lines into his skin.
Once the medical team was on its way, he picked up the phone again, "...O'Neill?"
Daniel's eyes slowly opened and he tried to focus on his surroundings.
"Daniel?"
That was Sam's voice. Where was he? Oh, wait, he'd know that ceiling anywhere. This was the infirmary. What was he doing here?
Blinking a couple of times, he said, "Sam?"
Sam appeared above him, "Daniel, are you okay?"
Nodding slowly, Daniel sat up, "What happened?"
"We were hoping you could tell us."
Looking down to his left arm, he saw that it'd been bandaged between his wrist and his shoulder. The fingers of his right hand were also bandaged.
"What happened to my arm?"
Sam asked, "What's the last thing you remember, Daniel?"
Frowning slightly, Daniel said, "I was meditating. Teal'c told me to picture a forest clearing... I... I couldn't imagine it right... I don't remember anything after that."
"Teal'c says you flipped out and started shouting about something... then you started scoring lines of burning wax onto your arm. He says when he tried to stop you; you said something... something in Ancients."
Sam seemed almost hesitant about admitting the last part, Daniel noted as he replied, "I what?"
"Then he called for a medical team. By the time they got there, you'd passed out..."
Shutting his eyes for a moment, Daniel opened them again and said, "I was trying to remember being ascended and I started talking in Ancients. It can't just be a coincidence, can it?"
Unable to keep the hope out of her voice, Sam said, "Maybe Oma only ever meant for you to remember your life before you ascended. There might be some reason that she can't allow you to remember actually being ascended."
"Think whatever happened to me was some sort of failsafe to make sure I couldn't access those memories?"
"It's possible."
"But why did I remember Bra'tac and R'yac then?"
"Maybe she let you remember that. Or maybe it was too strong a memory. This is all only a theory, Daniel."
Daniel nodded. He couldn't help noticing Sam's hopefulness at this turn in events. If she was happy that there was something preventing him from remembering being ascended then his attempts to do so had obviously been upsetting her. He'd never really thought what it must be like from their perspective. From his, there was this blank in his life that he wanted to fill; from theirs, there was this traumatic time that they just wanted to forget. He'd never even thought about it until now but he was dredging up all those awful memories for them. That was why they wouldn't talk about it. They just wanted to close that chapter and move on. Maybe it was time he did the same... but, first, there was the issue of what just happened.
Just then, Janet appeared on the scene, "Daniel... how are you feeling?"
"Fine. Normal."
Janet was holding a file in her hand. As she extracted something from it, she said, "Your lab work's all come back normal but I thought I'd better let you take a look at this."
She handed the photograph to Daniel as she said, "We took a photo of your arm before we dressed it and... well, see for yourself."
Looking down at the photo of his arm, Daniel saw the red lines and curves across it. For a moment it didn't look like anything... but then...
Looking up at Janet's coat pocket, he indicated the pen and asked, "Can I...?"
With instant understanding, Janet silently passed him the pen. Sam, who'd only seen it upside down, didn't know what was happening for a moment until the thick black lines began to overlay the burns. Even upside down, she recognised Stargate chevrons when she saw them.
She watched as Daniel moved from symbol to symbol. As he completed the seventh one, Sam realised it wasn't the earth point of origin... until she looked at it again. It was the earth point of origin marker... the old one. The one on the Antarctic DHD. The one the ancients would have used.
Looking down at the symbols, Daniel said quickly, "Janet, can I leave?"
"I'd rather you didn't, Daniel. We still don't know what..."
"Okay, can you call the General and Jack and ask them to come down here? Teal'c too."
Janet nodded, "Sure."
As Janet left, Sam asked, "Daniel, what is it? Where is it the address to?"
"I have no idea. But... but I've seen it before."
It was five minutes later when Jack and the General appeared at the door. Teal'c had arrived a few moments earlier.
Hammond asked, "How are you feeling, Doctor?"
"Fine, sir... but..."
He turned the photo round, "I appear to really want to go here."
Coming over and taking the photo from his friend, Jack looked at it for a moment before saying, "Are you telling me you burnt a gate address into your arm?"
"Apparently."
Handing the photo back, Jack continued, "So why are you so sure you wanna go there? Maybe you really don't wanna go there and you're warning yourself."
"Well, as warnings go, this one sucks. I wouldn't even know the gate address if I hadn't put it on my arm."
Teal'c suggested, "Perhaps it is the location you described to me, Daniel Jackson."
"The forest? You think that was real?"
"It is possible that it is another planet you visited whilst ascended."
Hammond said, "I take it that you want to go there, Dr Jackson."
Gesturing at his bandaged arm, he said, "All I know is that there must be some reason I was trying to tell myself about this place. Look at last time with R'yac and Bra'tac."
Jack cut in, "Last time you didn't use your arm as a note-pad. General, I don't think it's such a hot idea."
Hammond said, "Jack, I understand your desire to be cautious but I don't see any harm in seeing if the place exists."
Sam was hesitant but, eventually, volunteered, "We could dial the address and see if we can get a lock, sir."
Hammond nodded, "All right. Let's see if there's anywhere to debate over going. Do it, Major."