Daniel’s Hell
By Rocza
Email: roczadeb@yahoo.com
Story Status: Complete
Sequel Information: None
Series Information: None
Season: Any after 3
Spoilers: None
Categories: Humor
Pairing: None
Content Level: G
Content Warning: Nothing to worry about.
Summary: A large, flying carnivore traps the team in a cave.
Archive Permissions: Any who want it are welcome. Just give me credit.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and Atlantis and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions; not me. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement intended. The story is the property of the author and may not be posted without the author’s consent.
Author’s Notes: I had to. I couldn’t stop myself. This is for all the parents out there trapped in Daniel’s Hell.
~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~ SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG
Jack eyed the new planet carefully. The Stargate was located in a small clearing surrounded by open forest. The clearing was situated on a gentle slope and the countryside appeared to be gently rolling hills. For once, the temperature was perfect. “Nice,” Jack whispered aloud. After completing his survey of the area and with no apparent threat visible, he turned to his team. “Welcome, to planet P3X-Déjà vu. This version of a tree-infested planet appears to lack both the hostile natives and the hostile weather. Daniel, send the MALP home.”
“O’Neill,” Teal’c stated to get Jack’s attention. “There appear to be large life forms in the distance.” Teal’c pointed towards another clearing a short distance downhill from the Stargate.
Just visible were several large quadrupeds. Jack watched them carefully for several minutes. The animals seemed to be grazing. Most likely herbivores then. “They look like this planet’s version of a cow. But let’s stay clear anyway. OK, Carter, which way?”
Sam pointed uphill and started off in that direction taking point. Jack and Daniel followed with Teal’c bringing up the rear. Over the next hour, samples were taken and carefully packed away. Jack was bored. Normally, this would cause him to start tormenting Daniel or Sam, but twice now Jack had heard singing. And not just any singing, but bubblegum rock. This had led him to believe that his over-active imagination was making it up. Then his imagination just got really loud.
“Boo bop a loo bop boo ba loop,” came from overhead.
The team froze. “Did you hear that?” Jack asked quietly, as he tried to find the source through the thick canopy.
“Yeah,” Daniel replied, scanning the surrounding trees.
A large shadow passed over head, “bob aloo bop.”
“Bird?” Sam asked.
“BIG bird… It looks like it is headed towards the cow-things,” Jack stated. “Let’s keep going, but watch the sky.”
In the next hour, the team had to take cover from the flying creatures several times. The trees provided the perfect cover, but blocked them from getting a good look at the beast. Daniel was almost jumping to get a good look at the creature. Since, he had no people or ruins to explore, he was taking an over active interest in the flying creature.
They were currently collecting the last of the samples on an open rock-face a few kilometers from the Stargate. The area was peppered with small caves and littered with raw ore. A perfect mining site if the samples came back rich. The constant interruptions had frayed Sam’s nerves. But, she smiled as she collected the last of the samples. She would be done with enough time to get back to the gate a little early. Providing the flying beast left them alone.
As Sam packed up the last of her samples, the team heard another one of the creatures flying close by. “Well, this is getting old,” she sighed, and closed her pack. “I’m done, sir.”
“Hey, we might get a good look at it this time,” Daniel pointed out, excitedly.
“In here,” Jack called.
The team took shelter in one of the caves with a small opening, just as the creature flew into the clearing. “Boop aloo boom,” it cried out excitedly just before it landed in the clearing in front of the cave trapping them.
“Whoa,” Jack sighed as he got his first good look at it.
The creature was as large as horse. Black leathery bat wings were folded against it’s back. It’s body was covered in a thick purplish fur. It had a long flexible tail tipped with short spikes. It walked on four legs, tipped with sharp claws. It’s head had an ape-like face with two short horns protruding from either side of the face. This particular creature had lost an eye and a horn in a fight. Jagged scars crossed its face giving it a perpetual scowl.
“Wow, it looks just like the Persian descriptions of a manticore,” Daniel started.
Jack watched as Daniel dropped his pack to the cave floor and pulled out his camera and tripod. Satisfied that Daniel was out of reach, should the beast try to attack, he left Daniel to have his fun. Jack stood back with Teal’c and Sam, ready to pull Daniel back or shoot, depending on the need. As Daniel started to film the beast, it sat back on it’s haunches and called out loudly, “Bob aloo bop, bob aloo bop, bob aloo bop.”
Jack grinned, “That… appears to be it’s hunting call.”
“What is this manticore, Daniel Jackson,” Teal’c asked.
Daniel carefully framed the creature in the camera and began relaying the information. “Well, Teal’c, I don’t really know too much. It is a legendary Persian creature that is supposed to have the head of a man with horns, the body of a lion, and the tail of a dragon or a scorpion. It’s name means ‘man-eater,’ from the Persian words ‘martya’ meaning ‘man’ or ‘people’ and ‘xwar’ meaning ‘to eat’…”
Jack snorted, interrupting Daniel. “Sorry, don’t mind me.” Jack stared back out at the creature and started humming an old tune.
Daniel gave him a long dirty look before continuing, “The name was corrupted by the Greeks to ‘mantikhoras,’ and then by the Romans as ‘mantichora,’ from which we get the English term ‘manticore.’ It is believed to kill instantly with a bite or scratch and eats it’s victims bones and all…” Daniel stopped again as Jack’s humming grew louder. “Is there something you’d like to share, Jack?”
“No… Yes… why not…” Jack grinned. He turned and gave Daniel his full attention, “So, Daniel, you’re telling me that we are trapped in a cave by a one-eyed, one-horned, flying, purple people-eater?”
“A one-eyed, one-horned…Oh, no.” Daniel glared at him.
“That does appear to be an adequate description,” Teal’c stated.
Sam snorted and started giggling. “Sorry, Daniel.” Sam gave him an apologetic look before adding, “but it sure looks strange to me.”
That set both Jack and Sam off and they laughed until tears were coming out of their eyes.
“Daniel Jackson, I do not understand what is so humorous about our situation.”
Daniel sighed, “It’s a song, Teal’c, about a one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater.” Daniel ground his teeth as his comment started Sam and Jack snorting and giggling again.
“The Tau’ri have encountered this creature before?” Teal’c asked.
“Not really, no…” he stopped just as Jack and Sam started singing and dancing.
“Well I saw the thing comin’ out of the sky,
It had one long horn, one big eye.
I commenced to shakin’ and I said ‘ooh-eee’
It looks like a purple people eater to me.”
Daniel groaned, “I always hated that song.”
For the next half hour, Daniel was convinced that he was in hell. Netu was more fun. He was actually hoping that Apophis would show up and torture him. Anything was better then the round-robin Purple People Eater fest currently going on in the cave.
It started with Jack teaching Teal’c the Purple People Eater lyrics. This of course required seemingly endless repetitions of the song. Both sung and spoken. Jack and Sam had eventually stopped singing only to start an in-depth discussion about Sheb Wooley’s Purple People Eater song, the 1998 film monster, and the creature currently stalking back and forth outside their cave. Teal’c, of course, asked for more details of each. Throughout it all, the creature continued to stalk back and forth crying “bob aloo bop.”
Daniel finally cracked when Jack named the creature Pepe, because purple people eater (PPE) was a mouthful.
“That’s it. I am so out of here.” Daniel grabbed his camera and repacked it carefully, before gearing up, zat at the ready, and storming out to attack the creature.
The rest of the team scrambled to catch up. The creature, startled by Daniel’s assault, flew away without a fight. Daniel waited just long enough to ensure his team was with him before blazing a trail back to the Stargate.
They hiked back to the Stargate in silence. Once at the gate, Daniel dialed Earth and waited as Jack sent the iris code. Once back at the SGC, Daniel took a deep cleansing breath. No more purple people eaters. Safe at home. Deep breath.
“Welcome back, SG-1,” General Hammond’s voice echoed through the gateroom. “You’re a half hour late. We were starting to get worried. What kept you?”
Daniel groaned. Sam giggled. Teal’c cracked a small smile. Jack grinned as he replied, “General, it was a one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater.”
General Hammond frowned, “a one-eyed… one-horned… flying purple people-eater?”
“Yes, sir, a one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater.”
As one, Teal’c and Sam added, “Sure looked strange to me.”
General Hammond looked at Daniel, “Are they alright Dr Jackson?”
“Unfortunately, yes, they are,” he replied.
Jack’s grin widened. “Don’t worry, sir, Daniel took pictures of Pepe.”
“Pepe?”
“Yes, sir, Pepe, the Purple People Eater.”
“Right… Debrief in one hour. And, Colonel… tell Dr Frasier to do a full work up.”
“Yes, sir,” Jack replied. Even the threat of Dr. Frasier’s needles couldn’t dampen his mood. As he turned to walk to the infirmary, he started humming.
END