I know she loves me...
I know she loves me...
by Wendy Parkinson
TITLE: I know she loves me....
AUTHOR:Wendy Parkinson
EMAIL: wendyparkinson@hotmail.com
CATEGORY: Angst
SPOILERS: Children of the Gods, The Broca Divide
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: None
SUMMARY: Jack considers Sam's feelings for him.
ARCHIVE: "Heliopolis" and "Sam and Jack", anyone else, ask.
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters belong to MGM, Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: All feedback and constructive criticism will be greatly appreciated. No flames please. copyright Wendy Parkinson January 1999
I know she loves me, I can see it in her eyes. She's waiting for me to give her a sign, an indication that I feel the same. What on earth am I doing? I should tell her that there's no chance, no hope that I'll ever return her feelings. But that would be admitting that I know and she'd hate that, be humiliated. It would wreck our working relationship, she'd request a reassignment, break up the team.
We'd never be close again. She wouldn't be with me on our missions, camping out under the stars, investigating some strange new culture, cheating death. I wouldn't see those blue eyes dancing with excitement over technology I can't hope to understand. She means too much to me to let her go like that. But who am I kidding? I should let her down gently, let her get on with her life, not waste her time waiting for me. Perhaps someone will come along and sweep her off her feet, take my place. Let me off the hook.
She probably thinks I return her love, that I remain silent concerned with protocol, our careers, what people will think. And she waits so patiently, so expectantly, for me to say something. Confident that given long enough I'll crack, stop being her superior and become her lover. Of course I think she's attractive, what man wouldn't? The temptation to start a physical relationship is there, I'd be lying if I denied it. But I don't return what she feels for me. I respect her too much to take advantage. I couldn't do that to her.
Did I encourage her? Give her the impression that she had a chance? Did I treat her differently to the others? Could I have made allowances for her because she was a woman, allowances that she's misunderstood? I remember telling her that I adored her before the first mission, perhaps that was the start of it. Me and my big mouth. I was just making a joke, maybe she took me seriously. And there was the comment about her "cute little tanktop" after the time she tried to seduce me. I'm just too good at the "open mouth, insert foot" routine. So is it all my fault? I don't know, I honestly don't know. I wish I did.
The others? I don't know about Teal'c, he never gives much away, but oh, yes, Daniel knows how she feels. I don't know if she told him or if he worked it out on his own. It's getting embarrassing, he's asked me a couple of times why I haven't asked her out yet. The other day he even winked at me when I was talking to her. I guess I ought to tell him the reason, after everything he's been through in the last couple of years he should understand.
I know I'm selfish, wanting her in the team but she's a brilliant, gifted scientist (not that I'd ever tell her that) and I'd miss her like hell if she left. I'd feel the same if Daniel or Teal'c wanted to leave, I'd fight to keep us together. I want the best in my team, but a soldier shouldn't be in love with her commanding officer.
No, I have to do something, this has gone on long enough. I can't let her throw away her life waiting for me. I've decided, I have to talk to her, explain that I can't tell her what she wants to hear. Hope and pray that she'll forgive me and agree to stay. That she'll try to move on with her life.
I don't want to hurt her, I care too much for that. Love her? No, I don't love her. I'm still in love with Sara.
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