Zat guns, potato skins, and all that kind of rot.
Zat guns, potato skins, and all that kind of rot.
by Skyfighter
TITLE: Zat guns, potato skins, and all that kind of rot.
AUTHOR: Skyfighter
EMAIL: samantha_carter2000@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: Humour, SJR
SPOILERS: Fair Game, Children of the Gods, Window of Oppurtunity, Divide and Conquer
SEASON / SEQUEL: 4
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: A little teasing, a little mention of romance, some sick perverted suggestions, more teasing, no smut (ya want smut go to Heliopolis 2) no smarm and oh yeah, quite a lot of teasing.
SUMMARY: SG-1 are locked in contamination together for a night. Is this a bad thing?
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is a sister story to Atalya Shields' "On World vacation (Or how many horses can fit in an ice-cream truck)" This is a stand alone story in its own right, and AT knows I am mentioning her story ^_^. TOtally dialogue, pretty nuts, hope ya like it.
"OK, Danny. I said we should wear the suits but does anyone listen to genius?"
"They listen to me."
"See, Jack. People listen to Sam because she's clever. They don't talk to you, because..."
"Don't say a word, Daniel. Not a word."
"What? I was only going to say because you're so cranky and sarcastic it's hard to gt a serious answer out of you."
"Yu? You don't get serious answers out of me either."
"He wasn't talking about Yu, sir. He was talking about you."
"Lighten up, Carter. It was a joke."
"I do not know about Yu, but I am confused, DanielJackson."
"How cute. Teal'c cracked a joke."
"Sir, it was a very good joke. Wasn't it Daniel?"
"Yes it was."
"Oh, for crying out loud. Why are you all ganging up on me? I never said Teal'c's joke wasn't funny!"
"Your tone implied you did not find my joke funny, ColonelO'Neill."
"So how long are we going to be in isolation?"
"Stop trying to change the subject, Sir. Twelve hours, until Dr. Fraiser is sure we're rid of the radiation."
"Carter, will you please STOP being such a know-it-all. It's beginning to really get on my nerves."
"I'll try and know nothing in the future, Colonel."
"I do not believe that you could know absolutely nothing in the future, MajorCarter."
"Thanks Teal'c. Great party guy you are."
"Jack, what is wrong with you?"
"What is wrong, Danny boy? You're asking me what's wrong? I finally make the right decision, which everyone ignores anyway, and now I have to spend the night with you guys because we got RADIATION SICKNESS?"
"I could make it worth your while."
"Carter, that's sick. But strangely compelling... OW!"
"I was joking! Me offering to make it worth your while, while Daniel and Teal'c watch on is sick?"
"Sam, don't go there."
"What, it's not like I asked you to join in, is it Daniel?"
"MajorCarter, I do not understand."
"I bet you don't. Come on, everyone lighten up. This is twelve hours away from our responsibilities. We should make the best of it."
"We should make the best of a bad situation."
"Daniel, stop repeating what Carter says. And that's a cliche, so shut up now."
"What? *Daniel stop repeating what Carter says* is now a cliche?"
"Daniel. And it will be, I'll have to repeat it so often."
"But..."
"Give it up right now, Danny boy, before I start insulting your rocks."
"Artifacts, for the love of God, colonel, artifacts."
"Haha, Carter. Very funny. And you should have called him Jack, not Colonel."
"Why should I change my lifetime habit for you, Daniel?"
"Lifetime habit? It's been three and a half years, for crying out loud! I didn't know that three and a half years constituted a lifetime!"
"Well, you and your sarcastic comments make it feel like a lifetime."
"Carter... and there I was thinking you loved me."
"I did offer to make it worth your while..."
"Eugh. Soppiness alert!"
"Why did no-one think to bring a zat gun?"
"Colonel O'Neill, why would you need a zat gun?"
"To shoot space monkey. I feel like adding to Daniel's growing list of injuries and deaths."
"With respects, Jack, you already have done. Exposed us all to radiation."
"I was the one who suggested the space suits in the first place."
"Yes, but everytime you suggest something we do the complete opposite."
"Nice to know my team trusts me. Teal'c, who invented Zat guns anyway."
"I did infact invent the zat'ni'ki'tel, Colonel O'Neill."
"Really?"
"I did not, DanielJackson. I only wished to see your reactions. I have no idea who invented them."
"Only wished to see our reactions my foot. You wanted to make us believe you."
"I did not want to see your foot's reaction, Colonel O'Neill."
"I thought you were *supposed* to be teaching him humour, Carter."
"Sorry, sir, but my attention kind of wandered."
"Wow, listen. Carter's being technical."
"Jack..."
"Ok, OK, Ca.. I mean Sam."
"Thank you. As I was saying..."
"Oooh, we on first name basis now?"
"Daniel..."
"I was just wondering... Jack."
"Stop wondering! And let Sa... Carter speak."
"Thank you! Well, actually, I was finished."
"For crying out loud! After all that?"
"Actually, Sam, you haven't finished."
"I haven't?"
"You have not, MajorCarter. You did not tell us where your attention had wandered to."
"(Giggles despite himself.) Teal'c, now *that* was a good joke."
"And I'm not saying where it wandered to."
"Sam..."
"Daniel. Believe me when you don't want to know where it went."
"I do."
"Believe me, Ja... Colonel, you don't."
"I don't think I want to know now. Jack, are you blushing?"
"Urm... I am if Carter is."
"Oh he is blushing."
"(Laughing) Now I'm curious."
"I do not understand, DanielJackson."
"I wouldn't have guessed you would, Teal'c. Sam's mind had wandered onto her favourite topic."
"Daniel!"
"I do believe her favourite topic is theoretical astrophysics."
"OK. I guess that's the weirdest title I've ever been called by."
"Well, fly boy, I could think of some better names if you wanted."
"Samantha Carter! Get your mind out of the gutter!"
"But I thought you liked it there."
"OK, you two are going to put a stop to this right now. It was bad enough when you used to flirt, now you both know how the other feels it's even worse."
"Sorry, Space Monkey."
"Won't happen again, Spa..."
"Sam..."
"Sorry... Daniel."
"You know what I really fancy right at this moment."
"Theoretical Astrophysics! I thought we'd got off this topic of you and Sam!"
"We did! Clean your mind out with soap, Daniel Jackson. I was just thinking about roasted potato skins, with garlic butter."
"I do not believe that I have tried that before, ColonelO'Neill."
"I know this great place..."
"Is that where we went for those steaks?"
"Yeah, Danny. Better not go back... We beat them up pretty badly last time. They might not take it so nicely this time."
"Though they do nice diet soda..."
"Eugh, Carter, now who's being sick."
"Sir! You started it."
"Did not."
"Did too."
"Did not."
"Did too."
"You're sailing very close to the winds of insubordination, Major."
"Did too."
"Not."
"Will you just quit it?"
"Sorry Space Monkey."
"Sam! Don't call me that! It's bad enough when Jack does it!"
"I thought you liked it..."
"I do not believe so, Colonel O'Neill. He complains continually when you call him that."
"Oh yeah? Then explain why his e-mail address is spacemonkey@sgc.gov!!!"
"It is?"
"Yes, Sa... Carter."
"Daniel, why is your e-mail address spacemonkey@sgc.gov?"
"Because daniel_jackson@sgc.gov was already taken!!"
"(laughs) I wonder who already has that."
"Jack? Jack. Please say it's not you."
"It's not me. That doesn't make it true, though."
"Oh great. Jack has an e-mail address with my name on it."
"I was unaware that ColonelO'Neill could use computers."
"Now I know my team trusts me."
"Oh I trust you, Sir."
"Then how come nobody wore radiation suits after I told everyone too!!!"
"ColonelO'Neill, I believe we already discussed this."
"How long do we have left?"
"Eleven hours and fifty minutes, ColonelO'Neill."
"Oh for crying out loud. I have to spend that long with you guys? Peachy. Just peachy."
"Urm."
"Urm."
"Urm."
"Carter? Daniel? Will you two stop saying Urm? It's getting on my nerves."
"I do believe I know a song that would get on your nerves, ColonelO'Neill."
"Sweet. Teal'c's gonna - god forbid - sing to us?"
"I am. *I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves*"
"ARGHHH!!!!"
"Colonel, it's not that bad."
"Keep thinking happy thoughts Major."
"*I know a song that will get on your nerves, get, get, get on your nerves.*"
"I do too."
"Holy Hannah! No sir, please don't."
"*I know a song that will..*"
"Teal'c. TEAL'C! It's OK, we believe you! The song got on our nerves!"
"Indeed, ColonelO'Neill. What is the song that you know?"
"Teal'c, you're gonna regret this later."
"Yeah, you are, Teal'c. *Ohhh, you are my sunshine, my only sunshine...*"
"I've heard cat's more in tune."
"Daniel...."
"Sorry, Sam. Forgot you had a cat."
"*You make me haaaaapppeeeee when skies are grey...*"
"This is indeed annoying ColonelO'Neill."
"I thought you didn't sing."
"He's not, Sam, he's squealing."
"*You'll never know deeeeeeeaarrrr how much I loooovvve yoooooouuuu...*"
"Yu?"
"Teal'c, do not get into that again."
"I am sorry, DanielJackson."
"*So please don't taaaakkke my sunshiiiiiine awaaaaaaaayyyyyyy*"
"Thank you, sir. Now I'm going to have a headache for hours."
"I liked it, actually."
"You would Daniel. Thanks a lot, sir."
"Well... Do you know any annoying songs?"
"Yes sir."
"Well, Carter, what are you waiting for?"
"*I wanna be the very best...*"
"What the hell is this?!?!"
"*Like no-one ever waaaaaaas!*"
"Jack, I think it's the Pokemon theme tune."
"Ya think?"
"What is Pokemon?"
"*To catch them is my reeeeaaaal test, to train them is my cause!!!!!*"
"Little monster cartoon type things with a very limited vocablulary."
"Great explanation, Jack. Can you do impressions?"
"*Pi pika pikachu, pi pika chaaaaar! Pi pika pikachu, pi pikapikachuuuu.*"
"Sir, I was singing! What on Earth was that, anyway?"
"Cassie's fault. She forced me to watch the episode "Pikachu's Goodbye" with her."
"Well, I know what to tell the marines, now."
"Danny, don't you dare. I'll give you your e-mail address back."
"Deal. And you'll have to live with spacemonkey."
"I could live with that. I never use it anyway."
"Danieljackson. Do you know any annoying songs?"
"I do. *It's a small world after aaaaaaalll!!!*"
"NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"
"How long do we have left, Teal'c?"
"Eleven hours, fourty five minutes."
"Oh boy. Someone shut Danny boy up."
"Mmmmph. FnnnkfsJckksh."
"Daniel. Language."
"Phwar. Thanks, Teal'c. I said Thanks Jack anyway. What did you think I said?"
"That's what I thought you said."
"Then why did you...?"
"Oh for crying out loud!"
"Holy Hannah. This is going to be a very long twelve hours."
"Ya think?"
*****FIN*****
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