diary
Dear Diary
by Siobhan Gormley
TITLE: Dear Diary
AUTHOR: Siobhan Gormley
EMAIL: aq806@freenet.carleton.ca
CATEGORY: Sam and Jack, Romance
SPOILERS: None
SEASON / SEQUEL: Required reading 'Contemplations'
RATING: G
CONTENT WARNINGS: None
SUMMARY: A brief look into a recent diary entry by Sam.
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis, Sam and Jack
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Since I didn't get much into Sam's thoughts in "Contemplations", some people wanted me to do that, and this is what came out.
Dear Diary..
You know, it just seems odd to be writing those words, 'Dear Diary'. It almost seems child-like to use them. But, here I am, years after I last wrote anything like that, doing exactly that.
Now, what am I doing writing in a book that has pages yellowed and on the verge of crumbling? I'll tell you why, since I feel I have no one else I can tell, at least not without consequences.
I'm confused. One minute my life is absolutely normal, the next, it's like I'm Alice having fallen down that damned rabbit hole. No control, just feeling myself flying at top speed and who knows where or when it will end.
And why do I feel like this? It's all thanks to one person, the last person I ever expected to do something like this to me: Jack O'Neill.
The man can be the most insufferable, proud, condescending, sarcastic.. damn, who am I kidding. It's ridiculous. No matter how hard I try to be angry with him or keep him at arms length by bringing up his faults, his qualities always sneak in and remind me of how *good* a man he is, about what he's gone through to get to this point in his life.
I keep finding out new things about Jack.. the colonel.. Oh hell, it's not like he'll ever read this, so I might as well call him whatever I feel like.
Jack. Sometimes I wish I could comfortably call him that out loud. But my military ways kick in telling me to keep my distance. You don't want to risk saying anything that could be misconstrued. But, to be honest, and I know I can be here, there are moments I would *love* him to misconstrue to his heart's content. As long as it was a positive
experience for me.
Geez, I read back some of what I wrote, and it seems so.. I don't know, 'jumbled' I guess is the best word I can think of right now. But I suppose that's normal considering my current confusion.
Jack and I slept together. Okay, let me amend that, we slept in the same bed together. Both of us under the covers. And, even though I woke up and Jack was lying a careful, yet still close, distance from me, I have a feeling we didn't sleep so 'chastely'. I was afraid at first when I woke up that something had happened, but I should know by now that Jack is above reproach, at least as far as I'm concerned.
So, there we were, in bed together, and even though I fairly jack-rabbited from the room, I wanted to stay there. Now I'm beginning to wonder why I freaked out like I did.
Yes, it could have been seen as a compromising situation, but we both knew it wasn't. And we have slept side by side before. But that was always on missions and this wasn't.
Maybe that's what's been bothering or confusing me. I know there's nothing wrong with us sleeping beside each other, yet when it's a non-mission occasion.. well, it's definitely different from what we normally have going on.
I don't know, maybe my confusion is just an overreaction. It's not like the man has declared his undying love for me. We just slept in the same bed.
Maybe the upcoming holidays will give me the chance to think things through. I'll get to relax, see my dad again, and who knows, I just may have a revelation or two. Or not.
Sam
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