Dreams And Shadows Play
Dreams And Shadows Play
by Sharim
Title: Dreams And Shadows Play
Author: Sharim
Email: misssharim@yahoo.com
Status: Complete, #2 in the Lost series
Category: Romance, angst, S/J
Spoilers: I don't think any major ones,
Season/sequal info: Season 4 (I'd guess)
Rating: PG -13
Content Warnings: Heaps of angst, sorry. Also..the unexpected yet predictable happens.
Summary: A visit to a planet thought cut off to the SGC brings startling revelations.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of this, I wasn't paid. I just made it up.
Authors Note: Thanks Suds for beta-ing this for me. Okay, so this one's predictable. Sorry, but I had to do that, I wasn't happy leaving it like that. thanks:)
~~o0o~~
Close the door
Shut the world away
All the fight's gone from this
wounded heart
Across the floor
Dreams and shadows play
Like wind blown refugees
~~o0o~~
I did what I said I would do. I let her go. It still hurts, and her photo's still surround me, but I've let her go. To an extent.
It was nearly six years ago. In two months it will be six years to the day. Six whole years since we had our moment together and then life played a cruel joke on us. Six years since her challenge against fate was answered in a way none of us thought possible. Six years.
~~o0o~~
"Look, Sir, I'm sorry but I've had my orders!" Jack purposefully slowed down. This sounded interesting, he realised, listening to the General's arguement with a stranger.
"Colonel, I'm well aware that you've had orders from higher up but..."
"General, I don't think you understand. They don't want to wait, they can't afford to wait. If they don't get it soon then we are well and truly stuffed."
That didn't sound good.
"Good morning General." Jack breezed into the office, nodding at the woman soldier also present.
"Colonel O'Neill, I'd like you to meet Colonel Jones." General Hammond said, not reprimanding Jack for just barging in.
"Hi." Jack said bluntly. She was short, red hair and green eyes. Nice. "So, what can I do for you General?" He asked, dismissing the woman from his thoughts. She wasn't Sam.
"We have a little problem, Colonel." Jack waited for the General to continue. "It seems that we're in desperate need of some extra Trinium." General Hammond stopped.
"And?" Jack waited.
"They want us to try and get some." General Hammond glanced at the female Colonel.
"From where?" Jack could only think of one planet that had Trinium on it, and things hadn't progressed to well with the alliance department in that world.
"Well...uh....we only know of one planet that has Trinium on it..."
"Tunanie's world." Jack said, his eyes narrow with suspicion.
"Ye-es." The General agreed hesitantly.
"Sir, with all due respect, we don't have access to that world. They buried the gate, remember?" Jack was completely confused now.
"Apparently they buried the gate."
"Are you saying that they didn't? Sir." Jack's eyes opened widely.
"No. I'm saying that we could send a probe through and see...."
"Sir, they won't give us the Trinium anyway." Jack pointed out.
"I know. But we'd be willing to trade however a small amount of Trinium they would be willing to give. We're desperate, Gentleman." Colonel Jones inserted suddenly.
"This whole argument is academic anyway. Who says the gate is open?"
"It is." General Hammond admitted.
"It is?" Jack nearly laughed. More secrets.
"Yes Colonel. We sent a probe through yesterday and it is still there, sending us images whenever we dial through."
"What's it showing you?" Jack asked, curious.
"Just trees. No sign of Tunanie's people. Or of Zeles and his kind." General Hammond added.
"That doesn't mean they're not there."
"We know that, Colonel. We're also not going to do anything wrong this time. We're going to be completely honest with them." Colonel Jones said calmly, her face not giving anything away.
"Oh. Sir, may I have permission to go on that mission?" Jack asked immediately.
"Why?" General Hammond looked distinctly uncomfortable.
"Because Tunanie and his buddies like Daniel, and he's on my team." Jack pointed out.
"Colonel, I don't think..."
"General, I think we need a SGC representative there as well..." Jack pressured.
"Colonel O'Neill..." General Hammond looked agitated.
"General, I would be willing to have Colonel O'Neill on my expidition, provided he's willing to accept that I'm in command." Colonel Jones interrupted, grinning a dare at Jack.
"Colonel O'Neill?" General Hammond sighed, turning to Jack, knowing he was beaten.
"Agreed. When do we leave?" Jack felt slightly excited. Tunanie and his people knew Sam, they would be able to reminisce together, even if it was only a little reminisce.
"Tomorrow. At 900 hours." Colonel Jones stood to attention.
"Dismissed." General Hammond sighed. He was getting too old for this job.
~~o0o~~
I'm worried about him. Sure, I've given up on the thought that he's going to kill himself, but I still don't trust him completely. Neither does the other member of our team. One of us is almost always with him, keeping him company. At first it annoyed him because he wanted to be alone, he wanted to brood. Now, now he's used to it. He accepts the constant companionship and sometimes I think he even enjoys it.
Occassionaly I'm lucky and he talks to me. I know that he loved her, his obsession with spells it out clearly. Sometimes he talks about her, and his eyes grow soft and gentle; he turns into a different person.
I still don't know what happened between them, I'm not likely to ever know that. I do know that he's existing for a reason now, unknown to me or the other member of our team, and I'm sure that it has something to do with her.
Maybe things are changing now, there's a new woman involved. Not in that way yet, but who knows. I hope he finds someone; he needs someone to take care of him.
~~o0o~~
He'd never been to Tunanie's world. He'd been shot with that stupid arrow and Carter had been forced to lead his team. She'd done a good job, he recalled fondly. She'd been so nervous about her first command. The funny thing about that was none of the members on her team were military, and neither of them doubted her. Ever.
Their trust served them well.
Jack gazed around him, able to undestand why the people of this planet didn't want anyone ruining it with mining. It was beautiful. It had trees, and it was beautiful.
The arrow hitting the dirt in front of him surprised him.
"Hey, Zeles, is that you?" He called out catiously.
"Colonel?" Colonel Jones looked at him, obvoiusly worried about whether long term gate travel had some sort of 'bad' effect on people.
"He comes when you call him. And Takya comes as well, she's a wolf you know." Jack informed her calmly.
"And what, Zeles is a bear?" She shot back.
"No, he's a crow actually." Daniel piped up, grinning with Jack in companionship.
"Oh." Colonel Jones sounded slightly concerned now.
"Didn't you read our reports?" Jack asked innocently.
"No, I didn't." He wasn't expecting that answer.
"Zeles!" Jack called out again, enjoying the jumpy expression on Colonel Jones' face.
"Jack." The voice surprised him just as much as it surprised everyone else.
"Uh, yeah. You out there somewhere Zeles?"
"I am here." The strange man appeared, wearing his even stranger clothing and his wierd StarTrek-like nose things.
"Nice to see you looking well." Jack commented.
"The same to you, Jack." Zeles agreed, watching him silently. "You came here for a reason?"
"Uh, yeah." Jack nodded, looking sideways at Colonel Jones' who looked a bit...shocked to say the least. Seeing she wasn't going to take control, he continued. "Uh...we were wondering if you'd be willing to trade some Key with us."
"You know we do not approve of your methods."
"I know that...believe me, I don't like them myself." Jack hastened to admit. "But...we're kind of desperate. We'd be willing to take whatever little bit you're willing to offer us." He added.
"Tunanie's people may have some spare Key, it is to them who you have to talk to." Zeles shrugged.
"You don't mind if we go talk to them?"
"No. We will be watching you and your people Jack." He warned.
"I know." Jack agreed dryly, glancing around.
"I am here, Jack." Takya appeared from behind a tree. "Come, we will show you to Tunanie's people." She added, turning away from them and starting to walk.
"Well, this should be fun." Jack whispered to Daniel who grinned at him and turned to watched the stunned Colonel Jones' and her crew.
~~o0o~~
Much has changed. We have all changed. He has changed more than any of us though. My son noticed this, he even spoke to him about it. His only smiled sadly and remained silent. He still longs for her, even after all this time. I do not think he will stop longing for her, their love was strong.
He has spoken to me of part of it. He said she was his world. The other one thought that he would take his life, but he didn't. He was stronger than that, and he was stronger because of their love.
He let her go, nearly a year after it occurred, but there are still parts of her he holds onto, and I don't think he will ever let them go. He doesn't want to let her go and he knows this. Because he knows this, he continues to live for her, even though all the hope is gone.
~~o0o~~
"Hey, they've modernised!" Daniel exclaimed, catching sight of some minor changes in the villiage.
"They have?" Jack looked around doubtfully.
"Yeah, look, clotheslines!" Daniel exclaimed, pointing at them.
"Oh. Wow. They're just streaking ahead in the technology department." Jack said dryly, earning an eyeroll from Daniel.
"Oh, hey! Look at the little kids playing!" Colonel Jones exclaimed, pointing to where the little natives were splashing in the water.
"Oh yeah, real cute." Jack agreed absently, his eyes searching for Tunanie. "Hey, Tunanie!" He called suddenly.
"Jack! Zeles said you were here." Tunanie came up and looked at Jack, grinning at him. "Welcome back, my friend." He smiled, hugging the man.
"Good to see you too, buddy!" Jack clapped the man on the back and turned to the rest of the People.
"What brings you to our planet, Jack?" Tunanie asked, looking slightly worried.
"Oh, the usual." Jack said airily. "We want to trade some Key. No matter how small the amount." He added bluntly.
"Colonel..." Colonel Jones stepped in suddenly. "Need I remind you who is commanding this mission?"
"Sorry, Colonel." Jack looked down at the woman. Technically, he could have been a General by now, but thanks to Hammond interfering on his behalf, he was still only a Colonel which meant he could still command SG-1, just the way he wanted things.
"Thank you. Tunanie, I'm Colonel Jones..."
"Nice to meet you Jones." Tuananie smiled his usual, easy going smile. "So, you want some Key hey? Are you going to try and trick us again?"
"What? No." Colonel Jones blinked in surprise at his speech.
"Good. Yeah, the elders have some spare Key that they were saving...I don't know exactly why. Anyway, they have Key and might be willing to give you some." Tunanie said generously.
"For what?" Colonel Jones asked.
"I don't know. You have to talk to them. Come on Jack, Jones, Daniel!" He said, turning and leading the way into his villiage.
"So, Jones, what are you going to give them for their Key?" Jack asked conversationally as they walked behind Tunanie.
"My name is Kerry, Colonel." She told him bluntly.
"I'm O'Neill myself." He grinned at her and slowed down to join Daniel's walk. "Watcha doin?" He asked. A pang went through him. He used to ask Sam that question, when she was working in her lab.
"Filming..." Daniel swung the camera onto Jack and tilted it to a funny angle.
"Whatcha fliming?" Jack continued the charade, hiding the fact that he wanted to cry again.
"The kids...oops." Daniel guiltily swung the camera back to Jack.
"What have you done now? Broken it?" Jack asked.
"No. Some Mother over there just picked up her kids and ran like hell. Probably didn't want her kids filmed." Daniel admitted.
"What, the stealing spirits thing is catching?"
"Probably." Daniel sighed and put his camera away. "Great, we're here." He realised.
~~o0o~~
I see her at least 100 times a day, cliched as that may be. On this planet I see her even more, always on the fringes of my vision. It's like that on all the planets I've been with her or know she's been on without me. It's as though I'm just imagining her cheeky grin poking out at me from beneath her cap.
I miss her.
People always say that as time goes by, the ache grows less. That's bull. It hurts more when I think of what could of been, of what we ignored. If someone asks me what the best moment in my life was, it would be a tie between my son being born and that night before she died.
I miss her. I miss them both.
~~o0o~~
"So that's it then?" Colonel O'Neill sighed.
"Yes, that's it." Colonel Jones nodded her head. "We're going to stay around here for another hour or so, and then head back to the Stargate." She informed him.
"Why?" He asked. "Why don't we just go now?"
"We want to have a look around, and Daniel wants to study them...he said something about wanting to see how much they'd changed in a few years." She shrugged.
"Oh. Well, I'll meet you at the Gate in one hour then." Jack said.
"Okay. Bye." She nodded and turned around to go join her team. Jack watched her walk away. He used to watch Sam working when they were on missions, it kept him occupied. He loved the way she used to run her hand through her hair when she concentrated, the way she always chewed on her bottom lip and her brow creased with determination.
He missed her. A lot.
"Jack!" Daniel's voice floated to him. "Come and see this!"
Jack sighed and made his way over to Daniel in the trees. There, standing in front of Daniel was a totem pole with Daniel, Sam and Teal'C's faces on it. There was one of Jack at the top, obviously watching over the other three.
"We made this on our return, so the people would remember the strangers who came." Zeles appeared from behind them.
"Oh. What's it mean?" Jack asked, studying the perfection of Sam's face. His heart lurched.
"You are the leader, you guide your people in the right way." Zeles said bluntly. "And Sam and Daniel are the ones you protect, and Teal'C is your blood brother."
"Oh." Jack digested the information. "Not anymore." He said, his voice bitter.
"Why not?"
"Sam's gone." He was used to saying it now, he thought it often enough.
"No she's not."
"Yes she is." Jack argued.
"Her spirit still lives on in you, I can see this." Zeles said gently.
"You're dreaming Zeles, grabbing at shadows. Believe me, I know. I've been living in that world for a long time." Jack turned his back on the totem pole. "I'm going for a walk Daniel. You have to be back at the Gate in 50 minutes. Okay?" He didn't wait for a confirmation.
"He is hurt." Zeles commented softly to Daniel.
"He loved her, and now he has nothing."
"She lives on in him." Zeles said, "And he lives in here."
"Nice." Daniel nodded his head, wishing that it really was true.
~~o0o~~
Those comments hurt him, that she wasn't gone. We all know that a part of her does live on inside of him, but the part that interacts with us doesn't, and everyone misses that part of her.
She was brave, incredibly so, giving up her life for us. I don't know if I could have done that, deliberately setting out to distract people. Sure, I've jumped in front of some of them before, blocking the line of fire from them, I've even died for them, but I never thought about what I was doing. She knew what she was doing, and that's what made it brave.
~~o0o~~
It was a mistake, coming to this planet, Jack realised as he wondered among the trees.
"Jack!" Tunanie's voice startled him. Couldn't they all just a leave a man alone for a while. He needed to brood now!
"Hi." He forced a smile onto his face and waited for Tunanie to catch up to him.
"Where are you going, Jack?"
"I'm just walking around, enjoying the scenery." Jack admitted.
"It is beautiful here, isn't it." Tunanie didn't ask a question because he knew the answer.
"Yes. I'm happy that we couldn't come and mine here." Jack stated.
"I know. That is why Zeles didn't bury the gate, he knew that we could trust you." Tunanie confided.
"I wouldn't have been that confident." Jack warned gently.
"But Zeles knows...Nonita!" He broke off suddenly, admonishing the small child that was following them. "Go home Nonita. Your mother will not be pleased that you have strayed." He scolded.
"Cute kid." Jack watched the little girl grin cheekily at them and then turn around and skip away down the path.
"She is very adventurous, much like her parents. She needs guidance." Tunanie agreed.
"And she gets it?" Jack conversed, not really paying attention.
"Her mother is devoted to Nonita and her sister, but their Father...I do not know." Tunanie shrugged in a helpless gesture.
"Oh." Jack glanced at him once and then carried on walking.
"You are a Father, Jack?" Tunanie asked curiously.
"I was. Once." Jack admitted.
"Your child is no longer with you?"
"No. Charlie died. A long time ago." Jack said curtly.
"You wish to be alone, Jack?"
"If you don't mind."
"No, I do not. I thought you wanted company, that's why I came. I'll go make sure Nonita gets home quickly." Tunanie decided.
"Thanks." Jack watched Tunanie turn around and leave, and then regretted the fact that once again, he was alone.
Sam should have had kids. She died too young. Too young to really haved lived and experienced all that life has to offer. He would have like to have kids again. Have kids with Sam. He liked the sound of that.
He was getting old and he had no one, only his career. Maybe he should find someone who wouldn't mind getting old with him. Nah, he didn't particularly want to be with anyone else.
He glanced at his watch. Another 30 minutes to go. Oh joy. He hated killing time.
~~o0o~~
People are always telling us to go make the most of our lives, we only get to live them once. I know that. I also know that if it was everyone for themselves then this world would be a very screwed up place. If you care about what others think and act accordingly, then you make the world a better place.
She lived like that. Everything she did was for other people. Her friends, her family, me. I want to be able to live like that, but I'm selfish. It's difficult for me, but when I think about her I'm reminded of how good she was, and it makes it easier.
I love her. I mis her.
~~o0o~~
Call the man
Who deals in love beyond repair
He can heal the world
Of hearts in need of care
Shine a light ahead
When the next step is unclear
Call the man
He's needed here
~~o0o~~
"So what do you think, Jack?" Daniel looked at Jack. "Hello, Jack?" He waved his hand in front of Jack's face.
"Hmm?"
"Hey, are you okay?" Daniel watched him curiously. Jack had been acting wierd since they got back from Tunanie's world.
"Yeah. Sorry, I wasn't listening." Jack apologised, running his fingers over the strange wood carving on Daniel's desk. He wondered what he was. Often he used to go into Sam's lab and look at the stuff, trying to figure out what it was. She used to explain things to him, and he understood a lot of it when she talked, but pretended he didn't just so that he'd have her attention for that little bit longer. Worked like a charm, everytime.
"Jack, you're still not listening!" Daniel realised after he caught sight of Jack's slightly dazed eyes.
"What?" Jack blinked and looked at Daniel.
"You're been acting odd since we got back from Tunanie's world. Did something happen there?" Daniel demanded suspiciously.
"No, nothing happened." Jack said truthfully.
"Then why..."
"I don't know...I'm just in a mood."
Daniel watched Jack suspiciously as he left the room. Jack never admitted things like that. Something had happened. Making up his mind, Daniel set off to go and find Teal'C.
~~o0o~~
He is right, there is something wrong. Before, he was not this distracted, he did not tell people what he was thinking. Now he does, he never listens and he is always saying what he feels. We are all concerned about him.
The other one thinks it has to do with her. It is nearly six years since her final act. Perhaps this year he thinks about her more strongly, holds on more tightly because her memories are fading. We are all forgetting her slowly, and this hurts him more than anything.
~~o0o~~
"They're absolutely thriving!" Daniel breathed, his face alight with excitement.
"So what are you proposing, Dr. Jackson?" General Hammond asked, guessing what was comin.
"Well, Sir, you've been saying that SG-1 needs a bit of a break. I was wondering if maybe we could have some light duty - or whatever else you want to call it, and we go back to Tunanie's world and just see how they live. I mean, think about it, how they're flourishing but still keeping the same values. It's incredible, I don't know of any other worlds that are doing that." Daniel begged.
"I don't think so..." General Hammond started off.
"Please General. If you're not going to assign it as a mission then I'd like to request permission to visit there for a few days when I have my down time." Daniel said stubbornly.
General Hammond looked at Jack. The man was falling apart again, slowly. After Sam's death he had nearly crumbled, only a very small something had held him together. They thought he'd make it, but lately he'd been cracking again. Slowly. The break would do him good, it would do them all good.
"Okay. I'll give you guys a week..." General Hammond started off.
A week. A week on that planet. A week of memories, remembering her. It was funny, he'd never been on that world with her but he seemed to remember her the most vividly there. He could almost smell her scent sometimes, feel her blue eyes watching him and here traces of her laugh on the breeze. A whole week to be haunted by dreams. Great.
~~o0o~~
Okay, so he really was changing. I thought once that if he opened up then maybe he would feel things so deeply and get so suicidal. I was wrong, obviously. He'd been opening up to us so much more lately, so much more than I thought he would, and he's falling apart.
There aren't really any visible signs of his breaking, I can just see the hairline cracks because I know him so well. The inattentiveness, the admissions of sadness and despair, the lost look in his eye.
I don't think he'll be happy again until he's with her.
~~o0o~~
Jack chewed thoughtlessly on the grass shoots. Two more days. Two more days until they could go home. He sat up straight suddenly, his eyes trained intently on the trees in front of him. It couldn't be. No, he was imagining things. Still...
He got up slowly and made his was inconspiciously over to the trees. There. Behind the trees there was a woman crouching, playing with the children. Why had he imagined seeing a blond head, so achingly familiar to him? Why had he imagined Sam, again?
He crept towards the woman, her head covered by the cape she wore.
She gasped in surprise when he caught her hand and whipped her around to face him. Her face was hidden in the cape, cut off from his view. He felt her shaking beneath his hold, a trembling that seemed odd. Hesitantly he pulled her hood back, holding his breath.
No. It wasn't her. It wasn't Sam.
Who was he kidding anyway. She'd died. He'd seen her die with his own eyes, seen her fall over, heard the weapons hitting her, heard her last scream, seen her being hit again...he'd seen her die.
"Sorry." He apologised, shaking his head and stumbling backwards. Too much, it was all getting to be too much.
~~o0o~~
I know I said I'd fight for her. I know I said I'd let her go. I lied. I can't anymore. I don't know why. It was going along fine, at first. I recovered - partly - and was determined to live so that everyone would remember her. And it worked, at first.
Everytime I was tempted to kill myself, I remembered making that promise to her. I remembered the plea in her eyes to never forget her, to always hold on for her. It was almost as though she knew...but that was impossible.
Sure, we'd been flirting with death a few times more than usual...but that was no reason to 'know' the end was near.
I miss her. I miss her too much. They all know it. They all know I can't hang on much longer. Maybe I'll die soon anyway, that way I won't have to break my promise to her, because it's too hard without her. I need her, and I don't have her anymore.
~~o0o~~
His eyes scanned the scene for the last time. Going home. They were going home now. Finally. Sam never got to go home again...He forced his eyes shut. Later. Now he had to act again - for a while at least anyway.
"Jack, come on!" Daniel hollered to him, the wormhole was engaged.
Slowly, his steps heavy, he made his way up the stairs and stood before the sparkling blueness. Home.
"Hurry up!" Daniel sighed, starting up the steps.
He tensed suddenly, catching sight of her. Again. The millionth time he'd caught a glimpse of her on this planet. She was haunting him now, her image was in all his shadows, her face on all his dreams.
"Jack..." Daniel sighed, stretching out.
And then he saw her face, her blue eyes looking up at him, sorrowfilled.
"No!" Jack whispered as Daniel pushed him through the wormhole, tearing her vision from in front of his eyes.
"Jack, are you okay?" Daniel asked as Jack sat down heavily on the ramp, his eyes searching the empty air in the Stargate ring. She had been right there, he was sure of it.
"Yeah. I'm fine." He said dully.
"You know...there was something...funny." Daniel mused, voicing his feeling for the first time.
"Yeah?" Jack unbuckled his back and stood up, ignoring the concerned glances thrown at him.
"Yeah...something's bugging me." Daniel continued, going through the information in his head. Something was wrong on that planet, something that shouldn't be...but what? Why did he have this feeling?
"Well, when you know, call me." Jack flung back absently, leaving the room for his shower.
~~o0o~~
The times grows near. Soon he will either leave this world or let her go completely.
I think he will leave this world, I know he will never let her go.
The other one is concerned. His preoccupation with her and his strange habits are worrying us both. Soon we will know how strong he really is, whether he is strong enough to live without her.
~~o0o~~
"There!" Daniel exclaimed suddenly, surprising Jack. Jack cursed as the coffee scalded him, dirtying his trousers. He scowled up at Daniel.
"What?" He demanded irritably.
"There...see that kid..."
"That's Nonita." Jack said absently, catching sight of the little girl.
"It is?"
"Or Karita...I don't know...they look pretty much the same." Jack shrugged.
"Identical twins?" Daniel looked surprised.
"I don't know. Maybe. I think they're sisters anyway." Jack wiped roughly at his sopping trousers. "Damn, I'm going to have to change now."
"Jack...what are two blond children doing on that planet?" Daniel asked slowly.
"Pardon?" Jack looked up at Daniel, completely stumped.
"Jack, they're native Indians...all dark and 'yellow' skinned. Why are there two blond little girls on that planet?" Daniel repeated.
Jack froze, his eyes fixed on the cheekily grinning infant on the screen.
"I don't know." He whispered. Maybe that was why he kept imagining Sam...he kept seeing a blond, smiling person. Sure, she was years younger than Sam, a five year old roughly, but still...if you weren't expecting a blond person there...
He sighed. The mystery was solved. He'd been imagining things all along, thanks to his longing for her.
"That's it then?" Daniel looked at him sharply. "You're not at all confused as to why there are blond children on that planet?"
"No. They have a Stargate...they could have refugees or maybe generations ago some blond person came to their world." Jack pointed out logically.
"We've got to go back and find out!" Daniel argued.
"Why?" Jack asked bluntly.
"Because...don't you want to know?"
"It's not that important, Daniel." Jack said coldly.
"That's the problem, isn't it Jack?" Daniel snapped suddenly. "Nothing is important to you anymore. It's been six years Jack, six whole years. You are going to have to get over her sometime!" Daniel bashed his fist on Jack's desk.
"Why? Why do I have to get over Daniel? I loved her Daniel. I still love her. I have no reason to get over her!"
"You don't see me throwing my life away because Sha're died, do you?" Daniel asked cruelly. "Sure, I miss her like anything. I love her too...but I'm not throwing my life away because she died. There is so much I can still do, still make better here..." He trailed off, seeing the bitter expression on Jack's face.
"I've tried Daniel. Really, I have." He said softly.
Daniel didn't know what to say as Jack turned slowly and left the room, his back slumped like an old man.
~~o0o~~
I shouldn't have yelled at him, but I'm scared. I'm scared because my thoughts that he would stay alive were wrong. He's going to kill himself. I'm not worrying now that it will happen, I know it will happen. I'm sure of it, and so is he. He's given up. Not on her, on himself.
Guilt plagues me now, because I purposely leave him alone. Each time I knock on his door or phone him, I don't expect him to answer. I expect to have to find him, and I don't look forward to that. But I don't know how to stop it from happening.
I wish she hadn't died. For our sake, for his sake. For her sake. She was my friend and I miss her dearly. We all do, but the price of her death is more than likely his life.
~~o0o~~
I close my eyes
I remember when
Your sweet love filled this empty room
The tears I cry
Won't bring it back again
Unless the lonely star should fall
~~o0o~~
"So how exactly did you convince the General of this?" Jack asked tiredly as they stepped back through the Stargate.
"I told him I wanted to spend my downtime here and he agreed."
"So why am I here?"
"I don't know." Daniel answered truthfully.
Jack looked around. He was here because this was where he could remember her the most clearly. He'd cried last night. He'd gone to her house...it was exactly like she'd left it. He'd bought it, and everything she owned, and kept it the way she'd had it.
Their mugs, the ones they'd drunk out of that night, were still standing on the coffee table where they'd left them. The dishes were still standing on the sink, left the way she'd stacked them to dry.
Her bed was still unmade and her clothes lying in messy bundles on the floor where they'd been discarded. Her memory hung heavy in that house.
He'd gone there to kill himself, but he couldn't. He'd wanted to be closer to her, but he couldn't defile her house. Not like that. He'd come to this world to end it, because he was closer to her here, for some strange reason. Maybe because this world was so far away from theirs, so deeply hidden in the stars he was closer to heaven than ever before.
"Jack?"
"I'll meet you at the villiage, Daniel." He said absently, his eyes searching for something in the trees.
"You will?" Daniel waited for the promise.
"I said so, didn't it?" Jack gave it grudgingly.
"Okay." Daniel looked back at him again and sighed. Jack was closer to that brink than he'd ever been before.
Jack ignored Daniel's implications and set off for a walk. The river. He'd go to the river and sit on the shores for a while, just thinking about her.
The walk was long, and he was lost in thought until something caught his attention.
"Hello?" He turned around, looking around the trees cautiously.
"Hello." A voice echoed his, giggling joyfully. He spied the small blond head then. One of those little girls. Again.
"What are you doing here, Nonita?" He demanded tiredly.
"Karita." She corrected him, approaching him fearlessly.
"Shouldn't you be at home with your Mother?" He scolded.
"Yes." She agreed guilessly.
"So why aren't you?" He was growing tired of this. He wanted to be alone.
"I'm here." She grinned up at him and started skipping alongside him.
"You should go home." He said bluntly.
"You should go home." She mimicked him. He remembered when Charlie went through that stage. Cute, but irritating as hell. Still, it was quite cute.
"Where's you Mom?" He asked her.
"Where's you Mom?" She shot right back, adding little turns to her skip.
"Karita..." He sighed.
"Jack..." She sighed, pulling a face.
She was unbelievable, for a toddler, he decided.
"Go home." He ordered.
"Go home." She mimcked.
"Karita." A voice startled them both. Zeles. "You are going home now, Karita." Zeles said sternly, and clapped his arms together. Karita disappeared instantly.
"Is that good for the kid?" Jack asked, not really concerned.
"It harms no one." Zeles sounded surprised. "You are far from the villiage."
"So are you."
"Why?"
"I was enjoying my own company." Jack bit out pointedly.
"Apologies. We will see you at the villiage, Jack." Zeles disappeared too, and Jack was left alone.
~~o0o~~
I do not think he will come back. They both left their world, for their 'holidays' as they call them, but I do not think he will return. It is wrong of me to think such thoughts, but I know him as a brother now, and I know he will not return unless he has made his peace. The only way to make his peace is to let her go.
~~o0o~~
The gun is cool in his fingers, the weapon's the right weight. It's a good side arm, he's been using it for years now, his finger knows the exact tension of the trigger. It's ironical to think that the thing that's saving his life so often is going to be the thing that ends it.
It's so easy to hold it to his head, it's so easy to feel that calm hopelessness descend on him as he feel the firm press of the nozzle against his head.
"NO!" He's imagining things. He remembered her screaming that at him, once before. He won't do it though, not yet. He'll hold on a bit longer, maybe he'll die 'with honour' on a mission. Who knows. He's not ready to break his promise to her just yet.
"Jack, NO!" The voice begs again.
He turns when he hears the uneven stumbling footsteps.
She's there in front of him, her eyes wide, tears running down her cheeks and raw emotion on her face. She's there. A ghost. She's haunting him, not letting him break his promise to her.
"I won't." He says simply, turning his back on her vision. Everytime he's reached out to touch her she'd disappeared, this time is not different.
The waters are calm and clear, continuing their careless course over the rocks, wearing them away and purifying the Key. She was like that to him, washing away his roughness, but her water dried up before he was ready, and now, like the Key, he was crumbling, his strength disappearing.
He turned again and she'd gone, just like he knew she would be.
~~o0o~~
He was pale when he returned to the camp, more vulnerable than I'd ever seen him. This planet isn't good for him, he shouldn't be here. He's been acting strange since he got here, this world was the catalyst for his downfall again. It's only a matter of time before we lose him, I'm surprised we haven't lost him yet.
~~o0o~~
Fly, precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forever more
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet
The words rolled over and over across his mind. She was there now. He'd let her go. He'd let her fly away. No. He hadn't. He'd nearly let her go, but he couldn't let all of her go. He'd held onto her memories, her light.
Jack sighed. Cassie had sun that for her, at the funeral, he remembered dimly. Beautiful words. Not nearly beautiful enough to describe her, but they held a sweet sadness. He only held sadness in his heart.
"Jack, are you ready now?" Daniel watched him. The man was growing desperate, he wasn't eating and he wasn't talking anymore.
"No. I'll be another ten minutes." Jack shook his head, touching the concealed firearm beneath his jacket. This was it. He couldn't go back.
The shores of the river were just like he remembered, but the birds weren't singing. It was too quiet. He smiled to himself bitterly. The Spirits knew what he was going to do, and they wouldn't stop him. Their respect and understanding to was to great to allow them to interfere. He thanked them for that.
"I thought you said you won't." The voice taunted him, echoing over his memory.
"I lied." He didn't even know why he bothered answering.
"You promised, Jack." The voice was soft, reproachful.
"You went and died, didn't you? How'm I supposed to wait for you now, Sam? I'm sick of waiting, I want you now!" He spun around, facing her 'vision.'
"I'm sorry." She whispered, the tears on her cheeks softening him.
"You shouldn't have done that, Sam. I was in command, I should have been the one too..."
"I had to, Jack." She wiped the tears away, her eyes big and blue, watching him sadly.
"Why?" He asked her softly. She didn't answer, he was fool expecting a ghost to answer him.
"Don't do it, Jack. Please." She begged. He turned his back on her and raised the weapon. "Jack, NO!" he was surprised when she wrenched the gun from his grasp, her hands cool against his own. His eyes opened wide in shock and his hands shook.
"You're..." He breathed softly, touching her warm cheek with his trembling hands. "You're..."
He pulled her into his arms roughly, grasping at her solidness, her warmth.
"You're real..." He whispered, pulling away again.
"Of course I'm real." She sounded slightly surprised.
"I thought you were ghost...you're dead...you're not alive anymore...I saw..." He stuttered, starting to shake.
"I'm not dead, Jack." She said simply, and he pulled her against him, crushing her lips with his own and reassuring himself that she really was there, in front of him. He felt her arms hold him tightly and he pulled her closer desperately, showering kisses over her face, her hair.
"NO!" He pushed her away suddenely. "Who are you?" He demanded, watching her suspiciously.
"What do you mean?" Her eyes were wide and her cheeks were pink, her voice was husky and breathless, just like he remembered it. It wasn't her though.
"Who are you? Who's pretending to be Sam?" He demanded, realising it was a cruel joke.
"What?" She was dumbfounded.
"Which spirit is it?" He continued, taunting her. "Is it you Takya? Or maybe Zeles?" He yelled angrily. "Dammit, don't you think it hurts enough, without you interfering?"
"Jack, it's me. I'm not dead." Sam repeated.
"Prove it." Jack dared.
"I...I don't know how..." She said softly, her eyes scared suddenly. Maybe it was her...No.
"Who are you really?" He asked, unable to stop his eyes drinking her in. She looked so real, so much the way he remembered her.
"It's me Jack. I promise you, it's really me." She begged, holding her hand out to touch him.
"NO!" He jerked back as though she had slapped him physically. "You're a liar. You died Sam, you died after you promised me you were mine!" He cried, not even trying to stop the tears creeping down his cheeks. "You left me...you left me after..." He wiped them away furiously and started walking towards the gun.
"Jack...I can prove it to you..." She whispered suddenly, and he turned to her, noticing the fear on her face, the hopefulness over shone with fear.
"How?" He demanded, feeling hope start to unfold.
"I was...I got...uh...how do you feel about twins?" She asked softly.
"Pardon?" He gaped at her.
"I was pregnant, Jack." She looked down, twisting her fingers in the material of the strange clothing she wore. "I had twins...two girls...you have two daughters, Jack." She licked her lips and looked up at him.
"Nonita and Karita." He whispered the names, stunned. "You mean they're ours?" He looked at her, unable to stop the elation shooting through him.
"Yes." She nodded. He cupped her face with his hands.
"You're really Sam?" He looked into her eyes, wonder in his own.
"Yes. I told you, I'm not dead." She repeated. His lips claimed hers and she clung to him tightly, refamiliarising herself with him.
"No!" He tored his lips from hers again, staring at her, anger blazing in his eyes. "Why? Why Sam? Why did you do that?" He yelled.
"I had no choice...they were going to kill me..." She started off.
"No, I don't want to hear it Sam."
"Jack...you don't understand..."
"No. I'm going home now Sam, and I'm going to pretend I never saw you...this is all some crazy dream. I mean come on, I can't really be standing here talking to you, you're dead. Those two kids...they're someone else's, from another world. There's no way you can be alive." He stepped back, turning around and starting to march off.
"Jack...Please..."
"Save it. Even if it really is you, how the hell could you put me through that? Put all of us through that..."
"I didn't want to Jack...you have to believe me..."
"You did Sam, and that's all that's important. To think I nearly killed myself over you..." He laughed bitterly, kicking the gun out of the way and walking back to the Stargate.
~~o0o~~
Call the man
Who deals in love beyond repair
He can heal the world
Of hearts in need of care
Shine a light ahead
When the next step is unclear
Call the man
He's needed here
~~o0o~~
"Jack...what's up?"
"Dial us home. Now." Jack ordered curtly.
Daniel glanced curiously at his red eyes and agitated movements, but wisely said nothing. They were silent as the wormhole locked into place.
"Come on." Jack ordered, pulling on Daniel's arm.
"Why are you so anxious to go...?" Daniel started out asking.
"Jack...Please Jack!" Daniel gasped as he caught sight of Sam running towards them, desperation on her face.
"Jack..that's Sam...she's..." Daniel stuttered. "What are you doing?" He demanded as Jack dragged him up the stairs. He struggled against Jack's hold in vain.
"Jack, NO!" Sam screamed. She wouldn't make it to the gate in time to stop them or go through herself.
"Jack, wait!" Daniel begged.
"No." Jack stepped through the wormhole, leaving his nightmare behind.
~~o0o~~
I don't know why I ran. I don't know why I don't trust her. She's dead, that's why. I saw her die, I saw her get killed.
What if it is her?
Then I hate her. I hate her for what she's done to me. She promised me she loved me, she promised me for always...and look what she did. She pretended she was dead, had my kids and lived her own life. Why? I don't want to know why. I don't care anymore, it hurts to much.
Maybe I should just kill myself now, to spite her. But that would be killing myself for her, and I won't do that.
Who am I kidding, it's not her anway, it's one of those damn spirits. I knew I didn't like them.
~~o0o~~
"Jack, what the hell are you doing?" Daniel demanded, falling over as they shot out of the wormhole. "Jack, answer me!" Daniel ordered.
"Go to hell Daniel. All of you can just go to hell!" Jack yelled, throwing his pack onto the floor and marching out of the gateroom without another word.
"Would you care to explain what's just happened, Dr. Jackson?" General Hammond asked, appearing from through the doorway.
"Uh...I don't actually know what just happened but..."
"Let's go to my office, shall we?"
~~o0o~~
It shocked me when he ran. She was right there in front of us, the person who had been his life, and he was running. He was angry as hell, and she was desperate. I'm sure it was her, but if it was why didn't he talk to her? Why did he run like that? And why was she alive?
~~o0o~~
"I take it he found out." General Hammond sighed, holding his head in his hands.
"I beg your pardon?" Daniel blinked, completely lost.
"What happened?" General Hammond asked again, looking up at Daniel with worry on his face.
"I'm not exactly sure...Jack was upset and he ordered me to dial us home. I did, and just before he pulled me through the wormhole we saw Sam..." Daniel trailed off, realising how ridiculious that sounded.
"You mean someone who resembled Sam?"
"No. I mean Sam." Daniel shook his head.
"Couldn't it have been one of the Spirits using her form?"
"No. She was desperate General, she was crying." Daniel said softly, sure in his own heart. "Besides, I'm pretty sure those blond kids that I have on video are hers." He added dryly.
General Hammond didn't answer, he just sighed and rubbed his head tiredly.
"You knew about it. You knew she was alive!" Daniel realised, standing up in anger.
"Daniel...please." General Hammond asked softly. "It's not easy to explain." He started out.
"I'm willing to listen." Daniel offered.
"I know. During that week of downtime, Sam was working on one of her theories here..." The General started out.
"Oh?"
"And she stumbled across somethings she shouldn't have stumbled across...in the form of NID dealings of something." He said hesitantly.
"I don't understand why..."
"They knew it was her, they could trace her..." General Hammond explained. "They were going to get rid of her because of what she knew."
"So it's like witness protection?" Daniel caught on quickly.
"Exactly, only we firgured the only way for her to be completely safe and have any chance what so ever of coming back was for her to be well and truly 'dead'."
"Okay. I don't understand how though." Daniel was surprisingly calm about it.
"Major Lewis was one of the Spirits...The energy bolts you saw were illusions that the Nox helped out with, and Major Lewis 'spirited' her out of there for us." General Hammond summed it up briefly.
"Why weren't we told...I mean we wouldn't have told anyone..."
"It had to look real, Daniel. We had to make it as real as possible, and that's why none of you were told. She didn't want it that way, she resigned the military before she left because she didn't agree with the orders." He admitted.
"But she still accepted it and went through with it..."
"She didn't want to die Daniel, and I'm sure none of you really want her dead now that you know she's alive."
"Jack does." Daniel said dryly, feeling giddy suddenly. Sam was alive. Everything would be okay now.
"I want what?" Jack demanded, marching into the office.
"To know why Sam is still alive on that planet."
"No, I don't want to know anything. General, my resignation." He added, handing the papers in.
"Colonel..."
"Goodbye General. It's been fun." He said, saluting one last time and marching out of the door before anyone could protest.
~~o0o~~
Needed in the chaos and confusion
From the plains to city hall
Needed where the proud who walk
the wire are set to fall
~~o0o~~
How dare she. How dare she do that to me? Alive. All this time. All this time I lived for her, and she was alive all along. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her.
I love her. I still love her.
I hate her for what she's done, but I still love her. More than before.
I have a daughter. I have two daughters. Mine. Twins. My children. With her. I have kids with her. I love her. I want her.
But I hate her, and now I've ruined everything with my pride. Again.
~~o0o~~
The plates had no chance really, not as his fist flew at them and they fell, shattered, to the floor. Her glasses followed suit, then her kitchen chairs, the vase without flowers and a framed print on the wall.
Her loungeroom was more solid. The pillows from her couch bounced harmlessly off the walls, but the mugs on the coffee table shattered against the table.
He spun around, ready to hurt the coffee table at the wall in his rage, when he saw her.
"Get out." He told her calmly, continuing with his rampage as the coffee table hit a different wall.
"Stop trashing my house." She shot back.
"It's not yours. It's mine. I bought it."
"Only because my Dad knew you'd take care of it."
"He knew?"
"He's my Dad, Jack." Sam didn't flinch as a book struck the wall next to her head.
"What do you want?" He demanded, losing his anger.
"Something I can't have." She smiled up at him.
* * *
"Thanks." She said again at the door, looking up at him. "I wish..." She started out, but catching herself in time.
"You wish what?" He asked softly, lost in her eyes.
"That I could have something I can't have." She told him frankly, sighing.
"I'm yours Sam." He touched her cheek tenderly with one hand. "Always." he promised her.
"I'm yours too." She closed her, leaning into his caress, unable to stop the tear from trickling out from underneath her eyelid
* * *
"A pity." He told her, ignoring her comment.
"Jack, please. I didn't want to do it." She whispered, crying.
"You did it though. What did you think, you couldn't trust me?" He snapped, his anger flooding back and sending another trinket to it's death.
"No. I wanted to tell you Jack...I wanted to. That night..."
"I made the biggest mistake of my life." The words slashed at her heart.
She closed her eyes, reeling from the physical blow of his words.
"I gave you everything Sam, and you just left with it. Do you have any idea what I went through?" He demanded angrily, approaching. He felt like hitting her.
"No. I'm sorry Jack..." She whispered, surprised as he suddenly hugged her again tightly, burying her head against his chest and his nose in her hair.
"I love you Sam." He cried, holding her for comfort.
"Shh." She crooned, rubbing his back as he held her, crying. Her tears mingled with his as he kissed her gently and then laid her head back on his chest. "I'm sorry Jack. I'm so sorry." She whispered, leaning into his hold.
"Me too." He sighed.
"What happens now?" She asked.
"I don't know." He didn't let her go. "I don't know what to do, Sam." He admitted.
"I can't stay here, Jack." Sam whispered, pulling away.
"Why?"
"I've got a price on my head." She sniffed sligtly, smiling through her tears. He brushed them away gently.
"What are you going to do?" He asked.
"I don't know. I...."
"I'm holding you again. I can't believe..." He studied her. "Don't leave me again, Sam." He begged, pulling close again.
"I won't, but I can't stay here." She clung tightly to him, curling her fingers tightly in his shirt.
"Where are...the twins?" He asked, feeling a flutter of excitement steal through him.
"With Tunanie." Sam admitted.
"We'll go there." Jack decided. "We'll go there until you can come home again." He promised.
"You too?"
"Yes." Jack nodded, kissing her forehead reverantly. "I'm never going to let you go again." He said firmly.
"I don't want you to." She agreed with him, listening to his heart beat. "I missed you so much."
"I missed you too. More than life itself." He told her honestly.
"I'm sorry Jack." The tears ran down her cheeks again.
"I love you Sam. It's going to be okay." He curled her fingers in his.
"It is?" She asked hopefully, looking up at him again.
"Yes. We'll sell both homes to Daniel and he'll keep them for us." Jack laughed, putting his arm around her and leading the way out of the destroyed loungeroom.
"I love you." She pressed herself close to him.
"I know. That's why it's going to be okay."
~~o0o~~
I never meant to hurt him. I never meant to hurt any of them, they were my family. My brothers and my lover.
I did though. I hurt them by leaving. I didn't want to, but I didn't have a choice. Our children's lives also depended on my life, I had to stay away. It got easier, the longer I was away, knowing that they were recovering and living without me.
I missed him so much.
I was scared he'd break his promise. I was scared he would let go.
He didn't though. He kept his promise. It's going to be okay now. There's hope again, we're together and because of that, we'll recover.
I love him.
~~o0o~~
Call the man
Who deals in once upon a time
Maybe he
Can mend this broken heart of mine
Shine a light ahead
When the furture isn't clear
Call the man
He's needed here
Call the man
He's needed here
~~o0o~~
'Call the man'
Performed by Celine Dion on her 'Falling into You' Cd
Written Andy Hill & Pete Sinfield
'Fly'
Performed by Celine Dion on her 'Falling into You' Cd.
Written by Jean-Jacques Goldman & Phil Galdston
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