As the 'Gate Turns: Fall-Out
As the 'Gate Turns: Fall-Out
by Annerb
Summary: In the aftermath of her time stranded with Jack, Sam clings to her dreams of a 'perfect, normal life' with Pete and the SGC personnel lay bets as to whether there will be a wedding.
Category: Angst, Drama, Series
Episode Related: 713 Grace, 807 Affinity
Season: Season 8
Pairing: Jack/Sam, Sam/Pete
Rating: GEN
Warnings: minor language
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 2005-01-18
Author's Note: Here's part 2 of my little soap opera, hope you enjoyed the first part (Time is of the Essence). This is my answer to the "Pete Problem." It's a series, but there aren't really any cliffhangers, just like episode after episode in my own little future universe. Stay tuned for more!
Feedback: Always appreciated! I tried to be as canon as possible, but who knows!
As the `Gate Turns Part 2: Fall-Out
Tongues had a real reason to wag about a month after Jack and Sam's return from the wilderness planet. Sam began openly wearing her engagement ring around the SGC and rumor had it that she had finally picked a date. Wedding pools were organized, giving odds on different elements of the wedding, from would it ever happen, to whether or not the General would go to it. If Sam was annoyed by the constant whispers or curious eyes that watched her whenever she was speaking with Jack, she didn't let it show. All in all, she was acting just like a bride-to-be was supposed to, anxious, excited and happy.
There was also no outward reaction from the General, though rumors circulated about a three-day alcohol binge that ended with a bar brawl and something about jell-o wrestling. No one was really sure about the validity of that, but they enjoyed hypothesizing nonetheless. As the date finally neared five months later, Sam was seen with a constant big, flashy smile on her face (which seemed a little weird to those that really knew her) and, if you paid careful attention, Pete became quieter and quieter and at the parties leading up to the wedding, he could be seen giving Sam long, measured looks, as it he was trying to figure something out.
...
The guys were standing together outside a small courtyard by the side of the Church. They were each quite a dashing sight, Jack in his dress uniform, all traces of last night's binge erased and Daniel and Teal'c in tuxedos (It had been a bit difficult to find a suit big enough for Teal'c, but they had managed somehow). Cassie was wandering around nervously somewhere else looking beautiful in a red bridesmaid dress that matched the flowers and the guys' bowties. Together the four of them made up Sam's "bridesmaids." No one had thought to comment on the untraditional make-up of the bridal party. The other members of SG-1 were, after all, Sam's best friends in the whole world.
Daniel glanced at his watch again; noting that the wedding should have began 20 minutes ago. The Church was full, and the sound of milling voices could be heard out in the corridor where they were all standing. "Where is Jacob?" muttered Daniel, more to himself than as if he actually expected an answer.
"I am sure that JacobCarter will soon ascertain the whereabouts of PeteShanahan," offered Teal'c. None of them voiced what they were really thinking, which was Where the hell is he? and How could he do this to Sam? Jack had nothing to offer, though he was beginning to get that I'm-gonna-shoot-someone-soon look. Time continued to drag on, and the guys just continued to stand outside the courtyard, all aware of the woman sitting alone on a bench inside, looking amazingly beautiful in her long white dress and veil.
Jack gazed at the vulnerable figure, wanting to offer comfort, knowing that it probably wouldn't be all that welcome. As the wedding date loomed nearer, Sam had put distance between them and Jack had let her. It was her prerogative, after all. Jack tore his eyes from her and instead began to imagine all the ways he could kill that bastard Pete, which was a lot, he had, after all, spent a great deal of time in black ops.
Just as he was imagining all the creative uses of an ordinary ballpoint pen, Pete came into the corridor. He went straight up to Daniel, probably because he seemed to be the least threatening of the three.
"Where's Sam?" he asked brusquely, with the air of a man wanting to get something he dreaded out of the way. Daniel simply pointed into the courtyard and Teal'c put a restraining hand on Jack's perceptively stiffened shoulder. Pete gave Jack a quick glance and then ducked into the courtyard.
...
Sam sat on the bench in the courtyard, absently fiddling with her skirt. Her mind was racing, thinking all at once how she wished her mother could be here to fuss over her and to tell her daughter how beautiful she looked, and how proud she was. Would she be? wondered the small voice in Sam's head. Yes, Sam reassured herself, this is a perfect wedding. I am finally focusing on myself, just like Dad said to me on the Prometheus, I am giving myself a chance to be happy, to be with someone who loves me. Pete was great, but Sam was not unaware of the lateness of the hour. She refused to believe that sweet, dependable Pete would leave her hanging. I hope he is all right, that he didn't get called in for some emergency.
Sam was not unaware of the irony of that idea, after all, people at the SGC had been having a great time betting on whether or not the wedding would ever take place. What were the chances that the world wouldn't need saving on that day? Some people must have lost money, though, for the weeks running up to the wedding had been unbelievably quiet and free of emergencies. Sam almost half suspected that the General had called up everyone and ordered for no problems to happen.
Sam looked up at that point to see her honor guard standing a short distance away. Teal'c looked calm as ever, though Daniel was peering at his watch as if he was unsure that it still worked. She tore he gaze away before she could look at Jack, not willing to let her thoughts travel to what she had long since designated off-limits. She had included him in the wedding party for many reasons, not only because he was one of her best friends and wanted him to be here, but also because she thought that it was somehow a test that she was passing. Almost as if she was proving that she had finally managed to push him out of her heart, that she had completely moved on at last. Before that annoying, small voice in the back of her head could argue with her, she saw Pete coming into the courtyard. She gave herself a moment of relief, wondering at the continued anxiety she felt before she stood up to talk to him.
"Pete, you know you aren't supposed to see me before the wedding," she started playfully. The look on his face stopped her, though. "Pete, is there something wrong?"
He took a moment looking over Sam in her gown, thinking how beautiful she looked. For once, though, he didn't let himself get side tracked. He took a deep breath and said, "Sam, you know that I love you and that I want to be with you forever." Sam mutely nodded, wondering where this was going.
"There is something, though, that has been nagging at me for months. I tried to ignore it, push it away, but I just can't go through this without knowing for sure." Sam looked up at him, expectantly, while her heart pounded away in her chest. "Why are you marrying me?"
Sam almost laughed in relief. He was just getting cold feet and needed some reassurance. She smiled at him. "Oh, Pete. You know why I'm marrying you. You are wonderful, so kind, funny, and you take such good care of me." She touched his hand, "I love you, Pete, you know that."
He didn't smile and grab her hand like she thought he would, however. He pulled away and continued. "Really, Sam? Because I don't think so. I've been thinking about this a lot. I think that you like being with me and I think that you are content, but could you ever really be happy? I love you so much, and thought that maybe that could be enough, but the more I think about it, the more I force myself to really pay attention and face reality, I can finally see that you are not really all here with me. You never were."
He paused there, but Sam was too much in shock to really say anything before he continued on, "To be brutally honest, Sam, no matter how much I love you, and no matter how much it would kill me to lose you, I think I deserve more than being settled for." Sam's eyes grew wide at this last statement. "Pete, no. You're wrong. You do make me happy, why do you think I am marrying you!" She took both of his hands in hers, "Come on, Pete. This is just cold feet. Let's go get married." She ardently refused to hear the little voice in the back of her head that was now trying to scream in protest. I am strong enough to make this work, she railed back at the voice, I deserve happiness!
He was so tempted as he always was, to just push aside his doubts and let himself be with her. But he refused to budge this time, maybe it was the finality of marriage or maybe he was just finally waking up. "There is one thing you can do, Sam, that will make me believe you."
Sam looked up at him, clutching his hands, "Anything."
"Tell me that you don't love him."
She didn't need the slight jerk of his head in the direction of the corridor to know who he meant. And Pete didn't need an answer as Sam's face lost all color and the resolve that had been holding her together for the last six months finally broke, So close! Sam sat back down on the bench, head bowed as she wept in utter defeat, because she knew, no matter how much she wanted this normal life, that she could never lie about that and part of her knew that Pete deserved more than being lied to.
Pete closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, willing himself to be strong enough to do what was best for both of them. He leaned down, kissed Sam on the top of the head and said, "Goodbye, Sam." He turned and left the courtyard before his resolve could leave him. He paused by the curious group of men by the door, and without looking at any of them said, "Take good care of her." He then disappeared down the corridor, away from the Church. They all looked at each other in shock and then as a one turned to stare at the lone figure, wearing a beautiful wedding gown and weeping.
They gave Sam a couple of minutes, but none of them could stand to see her there all alone, so they soon went in as a group. Jack had a feeling that he shouldn't really be there, so he stood quietly behind Teal'c and Daniel, keeping his expression neutral. Daniel kneeled down, offering Sam a handkerchief. She mopped her face, but refused to look up at any of them.
"Sam?" Daniel asked gently, there had already been an unspoken agreement between them that Daniel would handle the talking, he was better at this stuff anyway.
She abruptly stood up and walked a short distance away from them. With her back to them she said, "I wonder if there was a pool for whether or not I would get left at the altar?" The voice was horrible to hear, sad, defeated and self-mocking.
"Sam, is there anything...?" Daniel was wondering if maybe Pete had just succumbed to a case of cold feet. As if she had heard his thoughts, Sam continued on, in the same horrible tone. "No, Daniel, this charade is finally over," she said, roughly pulling off her veil. "He was right, he does deserve better."
"What?!" Jack had forgotten his resolve to remain silent as his rage at Pete for hurting Sam boiled to the surface. "He said that to you? Now I am going to kill him."
"Yeah, that would make everything much better." Now Sam was beginning to sound angry, which was slightly better, because they were not used to seeing Sam weak. "I can't believe I was ever so stupid to believe that I could have a normal life! Get married, be happy, yeah right!" She wadded up her veil and threw it into the small fountain at the center of the courtyard.
Daniel seemed at a bit of a loss and Jack thought that Teal'c almost looked a little intimidated by Sam's rage. Jack bit the bullet and reached out to touch Sam's shoulder, "Carter-" He didn't get to finish, though, because at the sound of his voice and the touch of his hand, she whirled around, he eyes blazing. "No! You don't get to touch me, you don't get to console me!" Jack was momentarily stunned by the accusation in her eyes and the anger in her tone.
Sam stared at him and seemed to visibly deflate, the anger leaving her eyes, leaving nothing but vulnerability. "Please," she whispered, "please just leave me alone." Jack stood for a moment, gazing at her, before turning and leaving, fleeing the accusation and pain in Sam's eyes. Daniel and Teal'c quietly followed, leaving Sam alone with her broken dreams and her broken heart.
...
Sam wasn't sure who told all the guests the news that there was not, in fact, going to be a wedding, or who took care of returning all the gifts and paying the caterers. Frankly, she didn't care. She had already planned to take two weeks vacation from the SGC for the honeymoon that was supposed to follow the wedding and she used them, though not for the trip she originally had planned. Instead, she fled to her brother's house in San Diego, slipping away without word to anyone. Seeking to get far from the wagging tongues of the SGC, the glances of worry and pity and the memories that haunted her, she had fled that same day, dress, flowers and plans abandoned. Her father had come to see her the first few days in San Diego, so she knew they knew where she was, but her friends were letting her be.
Her family was also great at giving her distance. There were no questions, no discussions about Pete, just space and support. It was still a horrible, empty time, however, as it provided her with endless time to think about what she had done. She wasn't really sure where she had gone so wrong or how she had gotten to this place. She did know, however, that she wasn't angry at Pete. He had probably done them both a favor in the long run.
She was having a hard time remembering why she had pushed so hard, so quickly for the wedding. Pete had been content to wait, but she had been like something possessed the last five months. She had somehow become convinced that if they just got married, that everything would be okay. Marriage would decide everything, there would be no more questions, no more decisions, no more what ifs.
She guessed that maybe that was the real issue, the need to escape beneath the shield of Pete to keep herself from really dealing with everything that had happened. She was so obsessed with something that could be considered normal, something that could be all hers. Poor Pete, she thought, for it had become clear in the days after that she had been using him to hide in, to separate her from everything else, and that she never really loved him as much as he loved her.
I just wanted to forget, she admitted to herself, when she was finally ready to be honest with herself. I wanted to forget what it felt like to be with him. That truly was the crux of the issue. She had finally let herself taste the forbidden fruit and it had scared her to death. Pete was safe, comfortable and easy. She could be with him and stay in control. But what she had felt, that one night with Jack, it was overwhelming, and she had sensed that it had the power to destroy her. Coward! accused the voice in her head, and she knew that it was right. She had thrown herself into a wedding to a man that she didn't love, trying to drown out what Jack couldn't even remember.
She flinched as she remembered her anger at Jack after the wedding, so convinced that all of this was his fault. At the time, it seemed like it was, but now she knew that it was all on her. She had always been the one to run away. Jack was the one that always stood by her, he was even ready to stand by and watch her marry someone else because he thought it would make her happy. Sam was the one who would let anything get between them, any excuse she could come up with, all to avoid the feeling of the loss of control. She was a coward and she wondered, as the last of her vacation days slipped away, how she could ever face any of them ever again.
...
Jack sat at his desk, staring at a report he was supposed to be reading. To be honest, he was more hiding than working, which is what he did a lot of these days. People were trying not to be obvious, but he constantly felt eyes boring into his back wherever he went inside the SGC. Everyone was curious as to what had happened, but nobody more so than Jack himself. He spent that time hiding in his office thinking over the last six months, trying to pick out any signs of strange behavior from Carter, wondering what had caused such a display of anger and accusation at their last meeting. Neither Daniel nor Teal'c ever mentioned the whole affair to Jack, though he suspected that they would like to say something.
Jack was convinced that he had missed nothing. He knew he hadn't seen as much of SG-1 over the last six months as he usually did, but he still had meals and briefings with them almost daily. Carter seemed to have been genuinely happy. Had it been an act? He thought he knew Carter well enough to tell if she was faking it. Not if you didn't want to believe it, thought an annoying voice in the back of his mind. Why wouldn't he want to believe it? Jack may not have liked that Pete guy much, but if he had her happy, then that was good enough for me. As far as her work at the SGC, there had not been any especially stressful missions, other than the one short time spent in captivity right after they got back from that planet. Sure, we also both almost died on that planet, but that wasn't the first time, nor, he feared, would it be the last.
And so Jack sat, hiding in his office over those two weeks, wondering what had really happened, all the while feeling like there was something that he had missed.
...
Sam had been home for less than two hours when there was a knock at her door. She automatically stiffened, being unable to think of a single person that she didn't dread seeing. She sighed and resolved herself to awkward conversation. She opened the door to find Daniel, looking almost as uncomfortable as she felt. Surprisingly, his discomfort made her smile, and she remembered how much she had missed all her friends. She reached out and gave him a hug, and his perceptible relief at a warm welcome made her feel guilty.
She pulled back, "Daniel, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to go all bridezilla on everyone."
He smiled, "Don't worry about it, Sam. I think everyone understood. We were just worried about you."
"I know." Sam invited him in and they settled on the couch, and Sam was once again relieved at the familiar feeling of comfortable friendship. Daniel wasn't here to judge her or even grill her for information, though she was sure he had questions. "How's everything in the Mountain these days? Everyone going to town over the exciting new gossip?"
"Of course, you know how it is. Though, I am sure that most people are just curious. They want to know that you are okay." Sam doubted that, but it was nice of Daniel to say all the same.
"So, you got sent on the early reconnaissance mission to see if I was still crazy? Are the others holding safe-distance positions until the all clear?"
Daniel certainly liked the light banter and her attempt at humor, but he really thought that she must need someone to talk to. "Sam." She looked up at him. "What really happened?"
Sam looked away for a bit, but realized that nothing would really settle down until she told the story. It would probably make her feel better in the long run anyway. It would have to be an edited version, however, there were some things that she was not sure she would ever be ready to share. But she had gotten really good at getting points across without ever saying anything. The truth was, after all, that Pete left her because she didn't love him, she didn't need to get into who she actually did love.
She looked back up at Daniel, "Why don't you give Teal'c a call. Tell him to grab a pizza and I'll tell you both all about it."
Daniel looked like he really wanted to say something else, but was too scared. Sam gave him a look and he said, "Just Teal'c?"
Sam nodded, "For now." And they left it at that.
...
Two days later, she finally had to return to work. Reconnecting with Daniel and Teal'c made it an easier task, knowing that she had at least two allies. Daniel and Teal'c seemed to have understood exactly, as far as they knew, what had happened and they were able to agree that it was probably for the best in the end. The only thing that Sam really still regretted was that Pete had to get hurt, but Sam had really learned a valuable lesson about herself. She also regretted the way she had treated the General (as she had once again began calling him in her head). She wasn't sure how to fix that without opening a whole new can of worms.
Her first day back seemed normal enough, she could perceive no whispering and caught no one looking at her, though this very lack of interest seemed weird to Sam. She spent the first morning working in her lab, catching up with paperwork, checking the status on several projects and generally hiding. Daniel popped into her office right before lunch.
"How's it going?"
"Like riding a bicycle," Sam replied with a weak smile.
"Good. Ready for the next hurdle?" She knew he meant lunch in the commissary and a possible first run-in with the General. She put down her pencil, squared her shoulders and nodded. Hell, if she could handle the Replicators, Goa'uld and the more unseemly set of Earth politicians, she could handle a room full of staring eyes and one one-star General. She hoped.
It didn't end up being that bad, nothing more than a few whispers, aided by the fact that the General did not make an appearance. She still sort of jumped every time someone entered the room, dreading that it might be the General. By the end of lunch, she realized how silly she was being. Sam didn't really want her first meeting with the General since she got back to be in front of all these prying eyes. It was time to grow up and just go see him in his office, where there would be no witnesses if it went really bad. Nice, Sam, very optimistic, she thought wryly to herself.
Fifteen minutes later, she stood loitering outside his door. Siler had already passed by twice, doing his best to pretend he didn't notice her hovering outside the General's office. Though the third time by, he gave her what he hoped was an encouraging smile. Sam knew she was just causing more gossip and raised eyebrows the longer she stood there, so she finally raised her hand and knocked quietly, half-hoping he wouldn't hear it. Coward, accused that damn voice in her head again.
Whatever Sam's character might be, she was now trapped because she heard his voice calling out permission to enter. She took a deep breath and entered his office. At first, he didn't look up from some report that he was carefully writing on, his face sort of screwed up in concentration.
"There!" he eventually said as he sat back with a flourish and finally looked up at his visitor. "What can I do-" He stopped when he noticed who had come in. He composed his surprise quickly and then continued. "Colonel. Back to work already?"
She nodded silently, wondering where to begin. Jack noticed her squirming, but felt no overwhelming urge to make her more comfortable. Real mature, Jack, he thought. If he was honest, he was still angry and confused and it was making him somewhat childish. The silence continued on and just when he thought she wasn't ever going to get around to saying anything, she finally stopped absently looking around his office and looked him straight in the eye.
"I just wanted to say, Sir, how sorry I am for my behavior. I shouldn't have..." her voice sort of trailed off.
The guilt in her eyes bothered Jack and he decided to let her off the hook. Heck, he could never stay mad at Carter for very long anyway. He shook his head at her, "Look Carter, we all know you were going through a difficult time. Forget about it."
"No, there is no excuse. I had no right to speak to you in that manner, Sir."
"As your superior officer?" Damn, Jack wished he hadn't said that. He looked away, not wanting to let her know that she had hurt him with her accusatory eyes and angry words.
Sam wasn't unaware of his feelings, however. "Of course as a superior officer, believe it or not, I am not shooting for a court-martial." Her attempt at humor was a little hollow to both of them. "But, I...You were there as a friend, Sir, and no one should ever talk to their friends like that."
"Not even when they have a reason to be pissed?" He was finally looking at her again, perhaps a bit mollified at her referral to their friendship, rather than their rank.
Sam sighed, and collapsed into the chair in front of his desk. "Well, Sir, to be honest, I don't think that I was really the injured party." He raised an eyebrow at this, silently reminding her that she was the one left at the altar. She flashed him a small, sad smile. "Now that I've had some time to think about it all, I realized that Pete was right. Getting married was a really bad idea."
Jack didn't really know how to reply to that, but seeing her there, sitting in his chair, confiding in him like she used to do, it made him feel better. Sam noticed the old feelings of comfort and friendship coming back too, and continued on, feeling that he deserved a confession, well a partial one, and that she might feel better for having done it.
"I'm just not sure that I ever loved Pete. I think I loved what he stood for: a normal life. He was kind and fun, uncomplicated. But he deserves more than a wife who liked him because he was comfortable to be around and fit easily into her life with minimum effort." Sam sighed. "I guess I was just being a selfish coward."
"I have a hard time believing that you could ever be a coward, Carter."
"Well, it seems clear to me now, that I am certainly a coward about some things." The meanings behind that statement hung in the air between them, the old, unspeakable topic. In honor of their new reconciliation, or perhaps just because of old habits, they both let that issue go. They just sat there for a while, the awkwardness replaced with comfortable silence. A knock at the door broke their reverie.
Sam smiled at the General, "Back to work, I guess." He nodded. She crossed over to the door to let herself out.
"Carter," Jack called out before she opened the door. She looked back at him. "It's good to have you back." Jack was rewarded with a genuine smile before she turned to leave. It was at that moment that he finally realized that he hadn't seen her smile, a real smile, for months. Further musings were interrupted by his new guest, a scientist from the alien technology sector who nervously told Jack that he may have accidentally turned his labmate into a human icicle with a new piece of technology brought back from P6S-745. Jack rolled his eyes, scientists.
...
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