You and Me (A Tall Man)
You and Me (A Tall Man)
by Katianna
Title: You and Me (A Tall Man)
Author: Katianna
Email: nowehave_many_bananas@yahoo.co.uk
Category: Thoughts
Episode related: 521 Meridian
Season: Season 5
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Rating: G
Warnings: none
Summary: Sam's thoughts
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
You and me
(or A tall man)
"I have to go now, Everything will be fine" I look at you and you smile. The smile warms me as I watched you. Your intense eyes scan the room. Searching for something. It's an action that I have mirrored more than one over the last few hours, standing here, in this room, where we knew him so well, where we saw him so often. "Please, Jack. Tell Jacob to stop."
We look for him, expect him to walk in, late as usual. Apologising and struggling with clips and ties, dropping things, tripping. We wait, knowing that this time he will not walk through those doors. He will no longer need rescuing from self induced crises and he will no longer fight for our freedom and the freedom of all those who are oppressed. He is gone. "I'm ready to move on."
I look at you and I felt continents collide and walls fall. In your eyes I see the pain of loss and the pain of helplessness at such a time. After such a loss. "You have an affect on people Daniel."
I know you feel guilt, sadness, blame. Here I know you. I know your ways, your smile, you fear of the future and what it brings. I've seen you before, this sad, withdrawn man. As you step forward in your dress uniform, back straight, reading from little cards that I know are so creased from the nervous movement of your hands, they have become illegible. "I believe the fight against the Goa'uld will have lost one of it's greatest warriors, and I will have lost one of my greatest friends." There's something more to you now, than there was before, some knowledge of a beyond. Of a glowing white entity that left our presence for a different realm. One of peace and harmony that fit the young man who left us like a glove. "I think I can do more this way."
The knowledge of a silent goodbye that breathed peace into you, which allowed you to let go of the man who had loved us like a brother. Let go of his soul and his life. Knowledge of a silent goodbye that no one but you have heard yet visibly stirs your soul. Takes you to a new level and lets you evolve, just as you tell us he has done. And as we dream and pray that you are right I dream of other things. I dream of you. "I don't know why we always wait to tell people how we feel. Guess I hoped you always knew." I think of us, of you and me, and I know that it could never be possible. We have restrained ourselves and held back, knowing that nothing on earth could provide us with the freedom to express our loss and our love, our guilt and our sadness, so I turn to other worlds and hope my strength is true. "I'm not giving up, believe me."
People begin to clap and I hold myself in, suffering under the pitying gaze of my friends and my family. Knowing I share my pain with you, A grim smile is affixed on my face and mirrored on yours. The starch in my collar holds me in this world, helps hold back the tears that I know wish to fall, pressure and heat in the back of my eyes, begging for release. "Jack, let me go."
The tightness of my shoes, the straightness of my back, all of these pains help me focus on you and your words. He's gone you say. Your little bother, who you loved and cared for. The only one that could hold you on this side of despair an keep you in this world in the troubled wake that was the loss of your son. "I might have grown to admire you... a little... I think." Daniel will never return to us, but I want you to know, Jack, that I love you and I never want to lose you. So as I stand here, at the final funeral, the one he will not come back from, I decide that tonight I will come to you. I will tell you of my love. I will take the tears that I know will fall, so innocently, and bundle them up with the guilt and the fear and the sadness. I will take these emotions as they are and cherish that they are yours. I will treasure you for every second of my life, Jack. And I have to tell you this. I have to tell you that even if I die tomorrow, I will have no regrets. I always wanted no regrets, Jack. It was the way I wanted to live. And though life may seem so short, I will tell you one truth. Life is never short my love. It is the longest thing in our lives that we will ever do. "I'm gonna miss you guys."
"Me two."
"Thank you, for everything."
The universe is vast, and we are so small. There is only one thing we can ever truly control. Whether we are good or evil.
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