Jerry Springer Must Die
Jerry Springer Must Die
by Josephine
Summary: Teal'c has watched too much of the wrong kind of TV.
Category: Action/Adventure, Angst, Romance
Season: any Season
Pairing: Teal'c/other
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: minor language
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 03/04/04
A soft giggle broke through the late night quiet of Teal'c's room; instantly awake, he looked down at Joanna, sleeping in his arms. The muted glow of the lamp in the corner cast shadows over them, but there was enough light to let him see the smile tugging at her mouth.
He brushed back a strand of hair that had fallen across her face, letting his fingers trail back down her cheek to run over her lower lip. She giggled again, and just as Teal'c was about kiss her, Joanna sighed and whispered a name.
"Tommy... "
~~~~~
Joanna waited in the embarkation room, her team standing around as the Stargate churned in its track behind them. Walter called out each chevron as it was encoded; absentmindedly chanting along under her breath, Joanna tried to look like she wasn't watching the door.
She sighed as the vortex formed, then subsided, feeling rather bereft as it appeared that Teal'c wasn't coming to see her off. In fact, a niggling little voice reminded her, she hadn't seen him all morning. He wasn't there when she got up, and he wasn't in the commissary when she went to eat either.
Jenkins stepped to her side, glancing over at her, as MacTavish and their temporary archaeologist, Peters, passed through the event horizon.
"Ready?"
"As I'll ever be." Putting Teal'c out of her mind, Joanna and her 2IC clanged up the ramp to join Lt. Colonel Thomas Geddes and SG-7 as they surveyed the ruins of P2J-1196.
~~~~~
Jack walked into the gym to get in a little morning weightlifting as he procrastinated tackling the recent SG teams' field reports, and was surprised to see Teal'c sparring with the hanging heavy bag, the sand stuffed cylinder swaying with every blow.
"Hey there T, want some help?" Getting neither a yes nor a no, Jack nonetheless steadied the bag, leaning into it as Teal'c continued to rain down blows.
"Heard you weren't in the Gate room when Joanna left this morning." Jack grunted as a particularly solid punch sent the bag hard against him. "Her team was going to help SG-7, right?"
The unexpected kick to the middle of the bag sent it swinging wildly and threw Jack up in the air; only his firm grip on the leather kept him upright.
"Whoa, easy, Big Guy!" Jack watched in confusion as Teal'c walked away without a word, unwrapping the white tape from his hands as he made his way to the lockers.
"What?! Was it something I said?" asked Jack to the empty room.
~~~~~
"Dammit!" Ducking behind the ruins' tumbled down walls, Joanna crouched next to Jenkins and Geddes, waiting until the Deathglider had passed over before popping up again to track its flight path. "Four peaceful hours and now this! I am going to rip a new one in whoever cleared this planet!"
"That would have been Ms. MacGyver and Dr. Jackson, ma'am!" Geddes informed her over the glider's roar. "But mostly Dr. Jackson!"
Joanna took aim as the glider swung around for another run. "Oh, the pipes are callin' for sure this time, Danny boy." She and Jenkins let loose a volley, following the ship as it came closer.
Energy bolts pelted down from the glider, exploding into the shale outcropping around the Gate. "Ma'am?" Jenkins looked from the ship to Joanna, resolutely staying where he was but getting concerned about how near the shots were getting.
Too close for his comfort she finally dropped her P90 and grabbed him by the collar, yanking them both out of the way. Back behind the wall, the three SG members covered their heads as pieces of rock rained over them.
"MacTavish! We need to leave NOW!!" Glancing over to the section the other man was at, Joanna saw him stuffing a protesting Peters' gear into the archaeologist's pack. "Get your men and dial the Gate," she threw back to Geddes as she ran toward the wayward rest of her team.
Skittering to a halt on the loose shale, Joanna watched the Deathglider come back. "We are leaving, gentlemen." A glare cut Peters off as he began to argue. "Whatever you don't have, you're not gonna get. Face it. Geddes is dialing, now move."
Running for the Gate at the same time as he tried to put on his pack, Peters dropped a small duffle he had been carrying. He didn't realize it right away, and turning to go back, he ran into Joanna.
"Peters! I told you to get to the damned Gate!" The surprise attack, added to the off kilter feeling she had gotten by Teal'c not seeing her off had Joanna on a short fuse, and Peters, with his unfortunate tendencies toward screw-ups, was feeling the brunt of it.
"We can't leave that behind," he pleaded, pointing to the duffle. "I think these ruins might be more important than we thought and Dr. Jackson would kill me if I didn't bring that data back!"
"You're gonna die if we don't get out of here!" Joanna looked from the just formed event horizon, to the duffle sitting exposed fifteen meters away, to the two other gliders that had joined the original. "I'll go back, you get to the Gate."
Shoving Peters toward the way home, Joanna took off for the innocuous black bag. "This better be worth it," she muttered, keeping one eye on the duffle and the other on the gliders. Sliding toward the bag like it was homeplate, she snagged it, popping back up and hauling ass to the Gate.
Splinters of shale exploded all around her as all three gliders aimed for small target below them. "Son of a bitch!" Joanna covered her face with her arms as the shards cut through her BDUs; two meters from the Gate steps she turned her head to see the gliders almost on her.
Cursing a blue streak, Joanna hefted the duffle like a hammer throw, flinging it into the event horizon, and brought up her P90. Taking careful aim at the first ship, she fired a controlled bust that sliced through one wing causing the glider to spin out of control. Impressed that it even worked, Joanna watched it hit the ground past the Gate and burst into a fiery ball.
Several close blasts brought her back to the remaining gliders; getting up she stumbled a bit at the pain but managed to leap through the Gate.
~~~~~
Finally finished with the field reports, Jack took them over to Rose's office to pass them off to the next person in the chain. He grinned in sympathy as he laid the thick stack of folders on her desk with a thump, but any reply Rose was going to give him was cut off as the base's Klaxons sounded, and Walter's disembodied voice came over the loudspeaker.
"Unscheduled off world activation. We have an unscheduled incoming traveler."
Jack looked at Rose, and Rose looked at Jack. Leaving the reports, they got up and rapidly moved toward the command center.
"Who's out?"
Rose thought a minute. "5,7,12, and 18. Could be the Tok'ra," she offered up.
"They probably want something," Jack groused. "Nobody ever stops by just to say hi."
They pair made it up the stairs to the command room in time to hear Walter confirm SG-7's GDO, and the General authorizing the iris to open.
"It's only been four hours," Hammond said, turning to Jack. "What could have happened?"
"I suppose we'll find out soon enough," Jack answered back, looking down at the Gate as Geddes and his team ran through, followed soon after by MacTavish and Jenkins. Peters stumbled out a moment later and turned to face the event horizon; even from one story up Jack could tell he was a mass of frazzled nerves.
When Joanna didn't appear right behind Peters, Jack jumped down the steps and rushed into the Gate room, coming to stand next to Geddes. "Report," he barked at the lieutenant colonel.
"Sir, we were spotted by a Deathglider and fired upon. Colonel O'Neil had me dial home, last I saw she was right behind Peters." As one he and Jack looked up, just in time to see a duffle bag come flying out of the Gate and hit Peters square in the chest, making him fall back a few steps.
Jack glared at the hapless lieutenant, still standing exposed in front of the Gate. "Peters!" he yelled, "Get out of the way, you idiot!"
Peters looked over his shoulder at Jack's order as Joanna burst through the event horizon, plowing into her team member and causing them both to roll down the ramp toward Jack.
"Shut it, shut it, shut it!!" Joanna's muffled voice came up from under Peters.
"Shut the iris!" Jack shouted as he pulled the lieutenant off his twin and tossed him to MacTavish and Jenkins.
"You all right?" He grabbed Joanna by the hand and lifted her to her feet, catching her in surprise as she slumped against him.
"Medic... " came her answer.
~~~~~
Just inside the infirmary door, Janet ran an eye over SG-18, Jack and Rose; finally ending up at Hammond.
"Colonel O'Neil had a multitude of cuts from the stone splinters; some superficial, most deeper, a number that needed stitches. Many of the wounds, interestingly enough, were cauterized; I'm assuming from the stone absorbing energy from the weapon that shattered it."
Janet smiled at them, coming back form her tangent. "She'll be fine, the only thing we have to worry about is infection, and we can handle that. There's really no reason to keep her, she'd recover just as well in her own bed as one in here."
"So can I go already or what?" came the plaintive cry from behind a drawn privacy curtain.
Sighing, Janet turned and walked briskly over to the drape, pulling it back with a clink of metal hooks on the aluminum pole.
"Yes, you can go now. You're as bad as the original."
"Flattery, doc," Jack quipped, waiting as Joanna hopped off the infirmary bed, knowing better than to offer a helping hand. He stepped back as she gingerly walked out, nodding to her team.
"Did Peters get that duffle to Daniel?"
"Yes, ma'am," Jenkins assured her. "Teal'c is helping them translate the writing now."
"Oh, that's where he is," she said, half to herself. "All right, get some rest. Give me your report when it's done."
"Sure thing, Colonel." Jenkins and MacTavish took off, Joanna, Jack, and Rose slowly making their way to the residences.
Part way there Joanna chuckled, and glanced over at Jack. "You remember Tommy Wakefield?"
"Wakefield?" Jack thought a moment. "Dark hair, broke his arm jumping on his bed when he was five? What about him?"
"Remember his mother always called him Thomas, never Tommy? Practically corrected us whenever we did?" She continued at Jack's 'yeah', Rose listening avidly.
"I've been thinking about him off and on ever since meeting 'Thomas-Not-Tom' Geddes; particularly that time we played spin the bottle in sixth grade with him, David, Patty, Bill, and Kaye. You should have seen Tommy's face go brick red when my turn came and the bottle ended up pointing at him."
"You kissed Wakefield?"
Joanna laughed again at Jack's look of disgust.
"Who did you end up kissing, Jack?" Rose asked with a gleam in her eye. Thankfully for him, the trio had arrived at Teal'c's room and Jack remained silent as Joanna walked in.
She stopped short, however, and curious, Jack came up behind her to see the room in chaos: drawers half pulled from the dresser, clothing strewn on top of the bed, odds and ends scattered over the floor. The heady scent of a musky perfume filled the air, the bottle broken on the concrete floor.
"It's... it's all my stuff." Puzzled, Joanna bent down to pick up her hairbrush and glanced back at Jack. "What could have happened?"
"I know some of the nurses had a crush on the Big Guy, but you'd think they'd be over it by now... "
Joanna sighed and turned to Rose, but before either could say anything the sound of running boot steps were heard and Daniel came skidding to a halt in the doorway.
"Teal'c's challenged Geddes," he managed to get out as the other three stared at him in surprise. His eyes flicked to Joanna. "Kelmartokim."
"Sounds familiar," Jack broke in. "Why?"
"Revenge of the wearer of horns," explained Daniel. "Teal'c thinks Joanna is cuckolding him with Geddes."
"What?" Pushing past Jack, Joanna limped into the hall before realizing she had no idea where Teal'c was.
"They're in the locker room," Daniel offered up behind her.
Incredulity and anger pushed her pain aside and propelled Joanna to the communal locker room. She forced her way through the crowd to find a confused Geddes facing down a resolute and menacing Jaffa amidst the benches and metal cabinets.
"Teal'c! What the hell do you think you're doing?" Resolute, Joanna planted herself in front of him, but Teal'c ignored her, keeping his eyes on Geddes.
"Leave us, woman. I will deal with you at a later time." His voice was low, taut with rage.
"You'll damn well deal with me now," she shot back. "Everyone out. That includes you, Geddes."
The small crowd reluctantly backed away, the lieutenant colonel going to circle around Teal'c but halting as the larger man stepped toward him.
"Teal'c," warned Joanna, placing one hand on his broad chest. She knew she wouldn't be able to hold him off if he really went after Geddes, but hoped that he would let the other man go. His heart was beating strong and fast under her palm, his chest visibly rising and falling with each deep, angry breath he took.
Geddes eased out of the room, Teal'c's narrowed stare following his every move. Joanna waited anxiously as he left before speaking.
"Mind telling me what that was about? And why my stuff is flung all over our room? And don't tell me it's 'cause you think I'm sleeping around with Geddes, 'cause I have no idea where the hell that came from."
The look of contempt Teal'c gave her before he turned his back on her twisted Joanna's stomach and sent a chill through her. She could see the rigid set to his shoulders and how his hands were clenched into fists.
"Do not attempt to deny it, 'tau'ret'." Scorn turned the previous term of affection into a mockery. "Last night, as you slept in my arms, you whispered his name."
"You're kidding, right?" Moving in front of him, Joanna looked up at Teal'c, forcing herself not to flinch as she met his cold eyes.
"You're not," she said, amazed. "T, think! Why would I want Geddes? I barely know the guy, hardly spoke five words to him before we were assigned to this joint mission."
Raising his arm, Teal'c cupped Joanna's face in his hand. For one brief second she thought he believed her, until his fingers pressed into the soft skin and he forced her head up. "Your gentle laughter woke me, and when I touched your cheek, you sighed, and called out to him."
"Teal'c," she pled, eyes wide with shock at the vitriol in his tone. "I swear-"
"I will not be made a fool of again," he ground out, his grip on her jaw becoming painful.
Joanna stumbled back as he almost threw her from him and strode out of the locker room without another word. Watching him go, she stood there a moment, trying to make sense of what just happened.
Finally she moved, slowly walking back to her original quarters. The run to the locker room had aggravated her stitches, and the ambling hobble suited her muddled thoughts.
Joanna had no doubt that Teal'c was telling the truth when he said she had called out for Geddes in her sleep, but for the life of her she couldn't figure out why she would, especially in a passionate manner. While Joanna was sure Mrs. Geddes (was there a Mrs. Geddes, she wondered) was very happy with her lieutenant colonel, and while she meant no offence, Joanna much preferred her serene Jaffa to the rather cocky human.
Passing Teal'c's open doorway en route to her room and noticing movement within, Joanna's gaze couldn't help but slide over to see Rose picking up the last of her clothes. She folded the shirt neatly, placing it on a pile with the rest on the bed.
Looking up, Rose caught sight of Joanna, and the two women stared at each other a moment.
"You want to talk about it?" asked Rose, gently.
Lifting a shoulder in a half shrug, Joanna turned away, waiting to let Rose catch up. They made their way a few meters down the hall to the quarters given to Joanna when she first arrived at the Mountain. The room was dark, and chilly; Rose sat on the bed as Joanna headed for the small bathroom and flipped on a light, searching for the painkillers. A headache had settled right behind her eyes, joining the dull throb from the numerous lacerations and the depressing, sinking feeling around her heart.
"He says I called out to Geddes in my sleep last night," she tossed over her shoulder, trying to sound casual but not succeeding very well. Popping the childproof cap, Joanna shook out two pills, then pausing, shook out two more. "He thinks we're having an affair or something. We're not," she added into Rose's silence.
"Of course not," Rose murmured, stunned. "And Teal'c got this just from you saying Geddes' name?"
Joanna shrugged again, tossing back the tablets. She grimaced at their bitter taste and turned on the sink, scooping water into her mouth with her hand.
"He said he won't be made a fool of again." Limping into the room, she glanced at Rose. "Drey'auc?"
Rose nodded in agreement. "With Fro'tak. Teal'c understood the practical reasons why she did it, but I don't think his heart ever accepted it."
Sighing, Joanna unbuckled her fatigues and eased them off her legs, examining her limbs in the light from the bathroom.
"I look like I've got ants crawling all over me," she groused, frowning at the multitude of black stitches scattered amongst purple bruises. She sighed again, and sat next to Rose on the bed, leaning forward and staring at the floor.
"Most of me wants to run after him and shake some sense into that thick Jaffa skull of his, but a small, childish part," Joanna admitted with a rueful half grin, "wants to say screw him."
Rose smiled in sympathy, laying a comforting hand on her shoulder.
Joanna nervously twisted her silver ring before speaking in a rush. "I honestly don't know what to do. Do I confront him again? Wait until he's cooled off? I've never seen him angry before, not like this... I'm afraid anything I do will make it worse, or I'll lose my own temper and say something I'll regret."
Jumping up off the bed, she paced the room, wincing absentmindedly as her stitches pulled. Rose watched her, silent.
"Frankly, I'm beginning get rather pissed myself. How dare he think just because I said 'Geddes' in my sleep I'm having an affair with the guy. And what if I was dreaming of him?" She turned on Rose suddenly.
"Don't tell me you've never had a one or two featuring a certain archaeologist that you kept secret from Jack." Joanna smirked knowingly at Rose's guilty start. "We all have. That doesn't mean we're going to follow through and jump his bones.
"Screw this," she said, pulling on her fatigues again. "I'm finding Teal'c and knocking some sense into him."
~~~~~
Watching the small crowd file out of the locker room, Jack snagged a dazed Geddes as he followed a minute later.
"Sir, I swear, I'm not - " Pale, the lieutenant colonel tried to explain.
"I know," Jack interrupted. "What happened?"
"I had just finished getting dressed when Teal'c came in. Frankly, sir, he looked like Death itself, and guys were scattering to get out of his way. He basically started saying something about my having an affair with Colonel O'Neil and he was there to avenge his honor."
"All right," Jack nodded. "Don't talk to anybody about this. Now beat it before he comes back out."
Geddes took off at a quick jog; Jack turned back from watching him go to see Teal'c striding out of the tiled room. Jack fell into step with him, the two men wordlessly walking the gray corridors.
"You gonna tell me how you got the stupid idea that Joanna is sleeping around on you?" Jack dropped into the silence.
"I am not."
The silence stretched on.
"Jesus, T!" Jack finally blurted, his voice echoing. "You know that Joanna'd never cheat on you, no more than I would Rose. For some bizarre reason she thinks you hung the moon and unless you actually caught them in the act, you're barking up the wrong tree."
Teal'c stopped short, causing Jack to backtrack. "She called to him as she slept. In our bed, in my arms, she called his name. 'Tommy'." The rage was gone from Teal'c's voice, anguish taking its place.
"This is why you think she's cheating on you? She said 'Tommy' in her sleep? It isn't like you to go off half-cocked, T. Add a few thrown chairs and it'd be just like those damned Springer shows you watch."
Jack stared in surprise and dawning realization as Teal'c's head snapped up. "Fer cryin' out loud... I don't know how you got the idea that what you see on that freak-show has anything to do with real life." He paused, the urge to say more evident in his face, but in the end he just sighed.
"She's not cheating on you. Go find her and apologize. If you have to, get down on your knees and beg her forgiveness." Jack shrugged at Teal'c's raised eyebrow.
"It works with Rose."
~~~~~
"Where the hell is he?" Storming down various corridors, Joanna was trailed by Rose, who was trying to keep up but didn't have the righteous indignation fueling her along.
"Damned stubborn overreacting Jaffa-" Breaking off as she caught sight of Teal'c and Jack rounding a corner toward them, Joanna slowed to a stop as they drew near, her fury no longer urging her on as it vacillated at the look of contrition on Teal'c's face.
Not quite ready to forgive so easily, Joanna gathered her still abundant anger and lashed out before Teal'c could say anything.
"I'm not having an affair, you galloob, and if just because I said 'Geddes' in my sleep you think I'm screwing around with him, you're a bigger idiot than I thought!"
Her tirade, which had started out strong, began to fade about half way through and by the time she finished, Joanna's voice had begun to waver. Being shot at by a death glider, in pain from exacerbating her wounds, added to the crowning glory of having her love think she was cheating on him had pushed Joanna so close to the edge that she almost didn't hear Jack's comment.
"Actually, you said "Tommy'."
"What?" Bewildered, she glanced over at him.
"Jack..." Rose warned.
"You said 'Tommy'," Jack repeated with an apologetic smile.
"Tommy? Why would I say Tommy? His name's Thomas, not Tomm-ohhhhh," Joanna trailed off as she understood. "Tommy," she repeated, biting her lip and looking sheepish.
A slight movement made her look up at Teal'c; the angry set to his shoulders was back.
"Wakefield!" Joanna got out in a rush. "Tommy Wakefield! I was eleven and had a crush on the guy; a bunch of girls banded together and roped the boys into playing 'spin the bottle'. I kissed him. That's it."
Teal'c stood before her, mute; Rose tugged insistently on Jack's arm and the pair slipping away unnoticed, leaving the estranged lovers alone. Only the sound of their breathing could be heard, seemingly loud in the near deserted corridor. For Joanna the time seemed to stretch on forever, each silent second clearly showing she wasn't believed.
"Fine," Joanna choked out, backing away from Teal'c. Her unseeing eyes were glued to the center of his chest, her stubborn chin lifted defiantly. "Give me a minute and I'll have my stuff cleared out. It's practically half done already." She blinked hard, the tears finally falling.
"All over a dammed dream, you stupid son of a bitch... " she muttered to no one in particular.
Suddenly Joanna was in his arms, his warm hands stroking her back, his deep voice whispering half-heard apologies against her skin. Teal'c held her as she cried long and hard, the built up tension from this seemingly very long day draining out of her.
"Hell." Scrubbing at her cheeks, Joanna tried to get rid of the tracks left by the tears. "I never cried before you came along."
"Tau'ret-" he rumbled.
She stiffened against Teal'c, remembering the last time he had called her that, and her eyes flew to his. There was only remorse and sorrow in their inky depths however, and Joanna wrapped her arms around him, hugging tight.
"Next time ASK," she chided, her voice muffled against his hard chest. "Don't ever put me through one of those Springer-psycho-dramas again." Joanna groaned as she felt him grow still.
"Aw, hell, T." Tilting her head up, she gave him a mock glare of love and exasperation. "That's it. No more Jerry. You're sticking with Oprah from now on."
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