Beyond the Pain
Beyond the Pain
by Hannah Richardson
TITLE: Beyond the Pain
AUTHOR: Hannah Richardson
EMAIL:ade@tiggertoo.fsnet.co.uk
STATUS: Complete
CATEGORY: Angst/ Jack/Sam romance
SPOLIERS: Season 2, Tok'ra 1 and 2, Season 3 only because Sam is a Major.
SEQUAL: None
RATING: PG-13
CONTENT WARNING: Mild violence, CHARACTER DEATH. m/f
SUMMARY: Everyone at the SGC is grief stricken after Sam is killed on a mission.
DISCLAIMER: Stargate Sg-1 and it's characters are the property of Stargate productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double secret productions and Gekko productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. The use of Cliff Richards songs 'Only Angel' and 'Vita Mia' and Puff Daddy's 'I'll be missing you', are also used without permission and again, no copyright infringement is intended.
AUTHORS NOTE: Sorry about the Cliff Richard songs, my Mum's a huge fan. Any and all feedback adored.
Day 1
Daniel turned to the Jaffa approaching his left and fired his handgun. This was going to be at least the third one of these guy's he'd killed in the last ten minutes, but finally it looked as though the number of good guys outnumbered the bad. Watching as the alien slumped to the ground, he could hear the remaining two or three run off into the bushes.
"It is over, they will not be back." Teal'c announced coming out from behind the bush he had taken cover with. At that O'Neil and Carter's heads popped up from behind two large rocks.
"You sure?" O'Neil asked still scanning the bushes.
"Certain."
He nodded to Carter and they left their cover, both throwing their machine guns over their shoulders and holstering their hand ones.
"Okay! You mind telling us why the hell they tried to ambush us." O'Neil asked more angry then concerned.
"Whenever on the same planet as the Goa'uld, we will be in danger. We challenged the Goa'uld and revenge is wanted."
"You mean there's a price on our heads?" Carter asked.
"Yes"
"Sweet!" O'Neil replied sarcastically. "Well, now the bounty hunters have gone, lets get back to the gate before they come back with friends."
"Agreed" Teal'c said.
Placing his cap back on his head. O'Neil led his team back into the Forrest, in the direction of the Stargate. They hadn't got very far before Jackson stopped them and called him over.
"What is it Danny? We don't have time." O'Neil really didn't care what sort of rock the anthropologist had found. They all looked the same to him anyway. He was bent down in the soft mud of the Forrest floor.
"There are several footprints going in the same direction as us." He looked at Teal'c, "are they Goa'uld?" Teal'c bent down and touched one.
"They are."
O'Neil shrugged. "So!"
Jackson stood. "Do you really want to go in the same direction as the big guy's that just tried to kill us?"
"Do we look like we have a choice."
"The Colonels right." Carter interrupted, "Besides wouldn't it be right to assume that they just wanted to get back to the gate. It's their only way home too."
"Exactly." O'Neil was getting fed up.
"But what if it's a trap?" Jackson asked refusing to let it go.
"Daniel...." O'Neil began, but his sentence was cut short as the all too familiar sound of a staff weapon powering up was heard. Teal'c instantly took aim with his own weapon and the others grabbed their guns, "Where did that come from?"
"I do not know."
Before anyone had chance to find out, the enemy weapon was fired, and a giant ball of energy sliced through the Forrest like a knife. SG1 opened fire in the direction the shot had come from, when they heard a low grunt, they stopped satisfied they had killed their attacker.
"I thought you said they weren't coming back." O'Neil said to Teal'c
"It is unusual but he will be alone, the threat is gone."
"Sir?" Carter's voice came weakly from behind them. O'Neil turned around. She was lying on the ground about twenty yards from them, a large bleeding and burnt wound covered her chest and stomach.
"Major!" O'Neil was stunned.
"Oh God!" Jackson cried. "That shot must have hit her." O'Neil ran towards her, kneeling down beside her he pulled a medi kit from his bag and opened it.
"It's okay Major, your gonna be fine, just hang in there."
Jackson knelt down on the other side of Carter.
"Colonel, her pulse is weak and she can't breathe very well." He said wiping away a stream of blood that had escaped from her mouth and was running down her chin. O'Neil threw the medi kit into the trees.
"There's nothing in there to help her, she needs drugs and surgery."
"The weapon is designed to attack it's victim from the inside out. Her internal injuries will be great." Teal'c spoke solemnly. O'Neil hit the Forrest floor with the palms of his hands.
"Damn it. We have to get her home right now. Teal'c get her legs, Daniel her head, I'll get..."
"Colonel." Carter spoke, her voice wracked with pain. "It wouldn't matter if...Janet was here.... There's nothing...she can do." she inhaled sharply and screwed her face up as a wave of pain passed over.
"Oh no Major Carter." Jackson teased. "I know you don't like hospitals but your not getting out of this the easy way."
"And not on my mission." O'Neil added, Carter let out a small laugh that caused her to cough up a large amount of blood.
"Look...at...me." She smiled but her face quickly changed as the pain returned. "I've got a hole the size...of a bowling ball...in my chest...and every one of my vital organs is.... Either ruptured, punctured...or non-existent..." her breathing became more ragged, sweat dripped of her forehead as she fought to stay alive. "Guy's I'm dying!" Silence fell over the team as their hearts accepted what their minds already knew.
"Major, we can get you back. We can save you." O'Neil whispered although deep down he knew there was no way they could save her. "Let us try, we can't just stand here and watch you die." Carter looked at him, blood beginning to ooze out her left ear. She coughed again spitting speckles of blood onto O'Neil's face.
"Then go...open the gate and...go home.... but leave...me here...I'll never make it."
"We will not leave you Major Carter" Teal'c spoke from his position next to Jackson. Carter was sure there was raw emotion in his voice as he said it. Jackson reached forward and cupped her cheek in his hand.
"Sam you have to fight. Come on your in the US Air Force, your tough, one of the guy's, remember?" A tear rolled freely down his cheek.
"I can't Daniel...It hurts to breathe...it hurts to move...it hurts to keep my eyes open...I'm sorry...but this is...one mission...I won't complete with...you." Jackson let out a sob of heartfelt pain.
"You can't die."
Carter looked at him, a look of sadness in her eyes. "Everything dies Daniel." Her eyes closed and she exhaled deeply. The others could smell her burnt flesh as they knelt beside her.
"Sam. Sam." It was O'Neil he was lightly hitting her cheek, "You cant go yet we haven't had any brave soldiers, final words." His voice was sarcastic but the others knew it was all he could do to keep his composure. Carter's eyes fluttered open again.
"Oh yeah.... I forgot that part." Her voice was getting weaker by the second but her humour stayed. "Okay...here goes... next time you...see my killer...tell the Son of a Bitch...I'll see him in hell..." Her voice suddenly became serious. "Tell my Dad and my...brother that I died...with honour...tell them that. I love them." She paused to catch her breath and clear her mouth of blood. ". Tell Janet that...there wasn't a woman.... on the planet I cared about...more then her...she was a sister to me...tell her I love her...more then she'll ever..know" she paused again clearly fighting for every breath. Jackson couldn't stop crying as he watched hid friend slowly die. "God...tell Cassie that she was my every waking thought...tell her that I'll never leave her.... that when she wakes up after a bad dream...I'll be right beside her." She moaned loudly and involuntarily arched her back in pain, it was clear she didn't have long left. "Tell General Hammond...Thank you..." She looked at the three men surrounding her and reached out to grasp Jackson's hand. Wishing that she could hold it forever. "Words...words can't describe what you...mean to me...they haven't been written...You're my family...I love you all so much...leaving you...is the only part of dying...I'll regret." A lone tear trickled down her cheek, she knew her body had almost given up.
"We love you too Sam. Your breaking our hearts." Jackson spoke for them all, tears still streaming his face.
Carter chuckled, "At least yours still beats." Turning her head she looked deep into O'Neil's eyes and reached up to touch his cheek. "You're my everything." She whispered barely audibly. "I'm so in love with you Jack...you're my life...not very professional...but then neithers dying...I'll always...love you...my death wont change that." O'Neil exhaled in shock, a small whimper escaping his lips; he spoke no words, there were none. Carter struggled to cling on to consciousness' and the team knew that she was about to utter her last words. "Jack...now and forever...my heart is yours." With that Carter let go of her life, she exhaled and closed her eyes, Teal'c, Daniel and Jack waited for her to inhale again, but she didn't. Teal'c reached for a pulse, there wasn't one. Slowly he shook his head; even he wasn't that far from tears.
"Farewell my friend." He said sadly, "One day we will be reunited but until then you will be forever in my heart." Jackson couldn't take it anymore; he stood up and walked away grasping his hair in disbelief, his face that of despair. O'Neil didn't know what to do. He looked down at the lifeless figure below him; a peaceful smile rested on her lips. The flood of emotion hit him like a bolt of lightning, Samantha Carter, the woman he loved, was dead. The pain his heart felt was unbearable. Teal'c had got it wrong, she wasn't dead, she couldn't be.
"NO!" he shouted "she's not dead I'll prove it." His words were out of desperation and he couldn't stop the tears flowing from his eyes. Bending over her he began to give her mouth to mouth. "Come on baby...come on baby." he repeated it over and over as he gave her chest compressions, his hands getting covered in her blood.
"Jack please stop this. Your only tormenting yourself." Jackson cried, he'd never seen his friend like this.
"She's not dead." O'Neil screamed at the top of his voice. "Come on Sam, Come on baby, show them their wrong." Bending over her he began to give her mouth to mouth again, when there was still no breath from Carter, he turned his first aid into a long tender kiss, the tears from his eyes running down his cheeks and into the Majors mouth. Sitting on the floor he pulled her into his arms and rocked her gently back and forth. "You can't die. I love you." He sobbed uncontrollably "I love you." Jackson pulled him away from Carter's body and encased him in his arms, he could feel the Colonel break down as he gripped onto him, his own tears joining O'Neil's.
"Jack, we have to take Sam home." He said through O'Neil's sobs.
" I will get a blanket out and make a stretcher from it." Teal'c said. It was the first time he had spoken since he had said goodbye to Carter.
"No!" O'Neil shouted aggressively, he pushed Jackson away and bent down taking Carter in his arms. "I'll carry her. I want her with me. It's where she belongs." Jackson nodded. Understanding the pain and heartbreak that O'Neil was going through. He walked back a few metres picking up the discarded equipment the team had dropped on hearing the enemy weapon power up. Looking down at the floor he could see four sets of footprints, he traced his hands across the smallest set where only an hour ago his friend and team mate had stood. Standing he turned back to follow the others to the gate and couldn't help but notice the massive pool of blood on the Forrest floor and the part of the track where four sets of footprints turned into three.
"Incoming traveller, incoming traveller." The COM at the SGC blurted out. General Hammond entered the control room.
"Are we getting a remote signal?" he asked the young man working at the computer.
"Yes Sir, It's SG1" he replied.
"Open the iris" Hammond ordered. "I'm going down to the gate room. Their not due back for another five hours something must be wrong, get security down their too." The young man nodded and Hammond left the room.
Jackson entered back through the Stargate, he was the first one through of the team and was greeted by several armed guards and General Hammond, whose face turned to shock on seeing the state that he was in.
"Whose is all that blood Doctor?" he asked, pointing to Jackson's blood soaked uniform. Jackson looked down at his hands; they were also covered with it.
"It's Major Carter's, Sir." He replied his voice seemed distant.
"Is she alright?" Hammond asked concerned. Before Jackson could answer O'Neil came through the gate, the lifeless body of Carter hanging loosely in his arms. Teal'c followed close behind. They were both also covered in her blood.
"Get a medical team down here immediately." Hammond ordered running up the ramp to meet O'Neil.
"Belay that order." O'Neil shouted quickly, stopping the guard before he could leave.
"Colonel?" Hammond asked angrily.
"We only need a stretcher." He replied struggling to keep his composure. He looked down at the major and then back at Hammond. "Sam's dead Sir." His voice broke slightly as he delivered the tragic news. The gate room fell silent as he laid her body down on the ramp. Hammond bent over her.
"Oh God." He cried looking at the wound. "Where's her chest?"
"We were ambushed by Goa'uld soldiers, Major Carter was hit by a staff weapon." Teal'c said. The gate room filled with gasps and sighs as the other soldiers heard how their comrade was killed.
"Poor kid." Hammond muttered under his breath "This is a terrible loss to the military." He stated. "So I can't imagine what it must be like for you men. Loosing a member of your team is never easy and I know that you four were very close. When this has been cleared up I think you should all take some leave." At that point O'Neil snapped. He had managed to regain some of his composure after his initial breakdown on the planet but he couldn't play brave soldiers anymore. He loved Sam and her loss was tearing him apart. He threw his gun across the room and ran his hands through his hair.
" Cleared up? Damn it General." He shouted. "You sound as though we've got some outstanding paper work. Samantha Carter is dead. I don't want leave, I want Sam alive and here in this room telling me how sexist I am." Jackson placed a caring hand on his shoulder but he shoved it off. "She didn't deserve to die." He started out the room but stopped at the door and turned to look back at the others. "You know what?" he said letting out a sad laugh. "She was my friend and I loved her so forgive me if I can't just 'clear it up', but I've just been through the worst moment of my life. She may be just another soldier to you General but she was more then that to me, and she was more then that to my team." He turned and left the room.
Hammond looked at Jackson. "I've never seen him like that." He said concern etched into his voice.
"Sam took a while to die. She was in a lot of pain and there was nothing we could do but sit and watch." Jackson paused to wipe a tear from his eye before it could fall. "She said some pretty emotional stuff while she was dying, everything she was thinking and feeling, everything her heart knew but mind wouldn't admit. It was heartbreaking Sir." He cleared his throat trying to get rid of the lump that was fast reappearing. "I'm sorry Sir." He said embarrassed that he had let his emotions surface in front of the General.
"It's okay Son. I understand" The doors opened and two medics entered with a stretcher and took it over to Carter. Hammond continued. "Why don't you go for a rest Son. The next few days are going to be hard for you all."
Jackson nodded his agreement but one of the medics interrupted before he could speak.
"General Hammond Sir, What shall we do with Major Carter's body?"
"Take her to the infirmary, a Doctor needs to sign the death certificate"
The two medics lowered Carter on the stretcher and pulled a blanket over her, the first one spoke again. "Sir Dr Frasier is on duty. Has she been informed that Major Carter is dead? They were pretty close and..."
Jackson cut in, "pulling back a blanket to see a burned and broken body is not the nicest way to find out your best friend just died."
Hammond looked at Jackson. "I know this is hard for you Son, but would you mind telling her. I think she'd prefer it to come from one of SG1, and since the Colonel has disappeared..."
"Okay." Jackson replied quietly. Hammond nodded and the two medics lifted the stretcher and left the gate room. Jackson began to follow them but stopped himself just before he left. "Oh, I almost forgot." He looked straight at Hammond. "Sam asked us to tell you something."
Hammond looked surprised. "What's that?"
"Thanks." A wave of grief hit Hammond and he had to break eye contact with Jackson and look at the floor.
"I wish she could have told me that in person Daniel."
Jackson nodded. " Yeah, me too."
Dr Frasier was in the middle of doing her afternoon rounds when Jackson entered the infirmary. She quickly glanced up at him before returning her attention to her patient.
"Hey Daniel." She chirped a huge smile on her face. "I thought you guy's weren't due back until tonight. Cassie will be so pleased to have Sam over for dinner." She quickly glanced up again. "Where is Sam anyway?"
Jackson couldn't look at her; he hated being the messenger at times like this. Finally he spoke.
"I have to talk to you, in private."
Frasier's attention left her patient and she looked fully at Jackson. Her eye's widened when she saw his blood stained uniform.
"What's wrong?" she asked her smile vanishing. "Is that blood?" Jackson nodded and the Doctor walked over to him, closing the curtains around her patient's bed to allow them some privacy.
"Your needed to sign a death certificate." He knew it wasn't the best start but he didn't know what else to say. A look of panic passed over Frasier's face.
"Whose?" she asked.
Jackson closed his eyes; he really didn't want to be the one to do this. He thought it best to start at the beginning. "We were ambushed by the Goa'uld..." he was interrupted as the two medics entered and placed the blanket covered body on one of the emergency table's. Standard, black, leather, military boots poked out the bottom of the sheet.
"Jack?" Frasier asked, her voice barely above a whisper. She walked towards the body and reached out to pull the blanket away from the face. Jackson caught her arm just before she managed it.
"There's a lot of blood and broken bones."
She frowned up at him. "Daniel, Why are you protecting me. I've seen it all before, a staff weapon, right?" Jackson nodded. "Right, so let me see him so I can sign the death certificate."
Jackson placed his arms on her shoulders and turned her to face him.
"Because it's not Jack." He said gently. "Janet, It's Sam." Jackson saw several emotions pass over Frasier's face at once, shock, pain, disbelief and the one he was getting most used to, heartbreak.
"No." she cried as tears began to dampen her cheeks. "Please God, not Sam." With a shaking hand she reached out and slowly pulled the blanket back, bursting into tears as she saw the familiar short blond hair and face of Carter. Jackson put his arms around her shoulders to offer her comfort. She placed her hand on Carter's cheek and let it rest there.
"Sam wanted us to tell you that she loved you. More then you'll ever know. She said you were her best friend." He paused as Frasier let her head fall to the blanket on Carter's chest. "You were in her thought's during her final minutes."
"This isn't happening. It can't be. Were taking Cassie out for meal on Saturday. She got an A on her school report you know." Jackson could see that Frasier was trying to avoid having to face the cruel reality that was lying in front of her. " God, how do I tell Cassie? She worships Sam."
"I'm so sorry Janet." He said feeling tears begin to form in his already swollen eyes. "You meant a lot to her you know. You were her rock. The one person that was always their for her." A fresh wave of tears took over the Doctor, and Jackson took her in his arms, hugging her tightly. They stood there like that for several minutes, sharing their pain and grief. Eventually Frasier pulled away from Jackson's embrace and wiped away a few tears that still ran down her wet cheeks. Taking Carter's pale hand in her own, she bent over her friend and kissed her lightly on the forehead.
"I love you too Sam." She whispered to the still form lying in front of her. Turning she straightened her white coat and sent an order to the nearest nurse.
"Prepare a death certificate. Bring it to me for a signature." The nurse nodded and left the room. Frasier turned back to Carter and pulled the blanket off her, revealing the wound the staff weapon had caused. Frasier drew in a quick breath at the sight.
"She must have been in agony." She said part to herself and part to Jackson.
"She was, but she didn't show it. You know what she was like, 'Hi I'm Sam, a big tough soldier.'"
Frasier let out a small laugh. "Yeah, sounds about right."
The nurse returned and handed Frasier the certificate. She took it looking at it as she did.
"It's so official." Looking at Jackson she read the first part of it. "Certificate of death. Major Samantha Carter PhD." Another tear escaped her right eye. "On the 13thday of the 5thmonth..." she broke down again, not finishing the sentence. Jackson put his arm around her again.
"I can't believe I'm signing my best friends death certificate." She wept. "It's like a nightmare."
"I know. I can't believe it myself."
Regaining her composure, Frasier took a pen out of her coat pocket and looked at the clock on the infirmary wall.
"Official time of death, 15:32." Sighing she looked back towards Carter. "Goodbye Sam." She whispered before placing her signature on the piece of paper.
Night
A man's supposed to be a mountain
With rivers running to the sea
But ever since I lost my baby
I'm not sure that's how it's supposed to be
No need to try and hide this empty feelin'
It's hard to smile when I'm so sad
God's got so many angels up in heaven
Why'd he take the only angel
The only angel I've ever had
I ever had
O'Neil sat up in his bunk and turned the bedside lamp on. The clock on the table read 3:15. Pulling back the blanket he got out of bed and pulled on his fatigues. He had to do something, anything that would stop him thinking about her, about what she had said to him, about the fact that it was almost twelve hours since he last saw her beautiful blue eyes or heard her voice. He couldn't sleep. He knew that if he slept he would probably never wake up again and besides if he allowed himself to rest, he would feel like he was letting her down, that he was accepting she was gone, and he wasn't ready to do that. Leaving his room he walked aimlessly round the base, at the end of every corridor he would pass a set of guards all of them would say the same things;
"Sorry to hear about Major Carter Sir."
"She was a great soldier."
"A terrible loss."
"Why is it always the good guy's?"
All he could bring himself to do was thank them or nod his head. Conversation was too hard. He stopped his blind tour of the base outside SG1's pre mission prep room. Looking at the door he smiled as he remembered the conversation they had had in the doorway only 18 hours ago. Teal'c had watched a programme on T.V the night before and wanted to know what 'four play' meant. Daniel had passed the question onto him, he'd tried to get the others to help him out but Daniel just shrugged his shoulders and Sam just laughed at the pathetic explanation he was giving. Fifteen minutes later and Teal'c was no closer to understanding the phrase then, then he had been the night before. O'Neil found it funny that those 18 hours now seemed like a lifetime ago. They were all so happy and playful. The way they always were. Team mates. Best friends. It wasn't fair. He pushed open the door and stuck his head round it. Surprised to see Jackson sat in the centre of the room, on the bench the team normally used to lace and tie their boots on.
"Daniel? It's 3:30 in the morning. What are you doing here?"
Jackson's gaze didn't move from the four lockers in front of him. "Same thing as you. I couldn't sleep." O'Neil nodded and sat down next to him, realising that Jackson was sat directly in front of Carter's locker.
"How you holding up?" O'Neil asked quietly.
"Someone I care a lot about was just killed. How do you think?"
"Yeah right. Stupid question."
"What about you?"
O'Neil shrugged. "Oh, ya know."
Jackson turned to look at him. "No I don't. Tell me."
"I cant. I don't want to face it just yet."
Jackson placed a warm hand on the Colonel's shoulders. "You have to. I know you think if you don't face your feelings then they'll just go away, but they wont. Believe me, I know. The longer you leave it the harder it will be. It'll be like losing her all over again. She's gone Jack. You've got to admit that to yourself before it tears you apart. She's gone and she's not coming back."
"I know Sam's gone Daniel, I'm not an idiot." He sounded insulted. "It's knowing that, that scares me."
"Why?"
O'Neil stood up and took the few steps to Carter's locker. Leaving Jackson's question hanging coldly in the air. Jackson let him. He knew his friend would answer it when he was ready. Reaching out O'Neil ran his finger tips lightly over the nameplate on the locker, it seemed to bring him closer to her somehow. Resting his head briefly on the cool metal, he turned round to fully face Jackson. His back leaning against the locker. Aware that this was exactly the same thing she had done earlier in the day.
"The night Charlie died. My world fell apart. I lay in bed, trying to cope with this unbearable pain. I couldn't think of one good reason to live. The, heartache, blame and grief blinded me. It cut through me like a knife, I could feel it stabbing at my heart." He paused, tears filling his eyes. "I stayed like that, in my own personal Hell for hours, until I realised that the only way I would survive it, would be to see past the pain. To look to the future. To a time where I'd be happy again. It took a while, but I got there, I knew I'd always carry that pain with me but that I'd be able to carry on with life. May be even have another kid. I understood that it didn't have to destroy my life."
"So can't you do that now?" Jackson spoke softly.
"No" A tear rolled down O'Neil's cheek.
"Why not?"
"Because I can't see a future." He sighed deeply and wiped away the tear. "When Sam died, My heart died with her. I feel empty. It feels like someone just ripped the life out of me. She was my life. Without her I have no future. This time there's nothing to hope or live for beyond the pain."
Jackson put his arm around his shoulder. "It'll get easier Jack. I promise"
"What? The pain?" Jackson nodded. "The pains not the problem. I can live with pain." He looked back to her locker. "But I can't live without Sam." Jackson's grip around O'Neil's shoulder grew tighter. He wished he could help his friend, but he'd just lost the most important thing in his universe. All he could do was be there for him.
"Colonel O'Neil, Daniel Jackson." Teal'c's voice came from the doorway. O'Neil turned his head to look at him.
"Let me guess; you couldn't sleep?"
"I could not" he sat down next to his two friends. "I thought I might find you here."
"Where have you been?" Jackson asked.
"I went to the top of the mountain. I wanted to see the stars."
"Why?" both men asked together.
"Samantha Carter loved the stars. I often found her out there at night watching them. Tonight I thought I would watch them for her."
Tears flowed silently but freely down O'Neil's face. "That's beautiful Teal'c" he said placing a caring hand on the Jaffa's back.
"As was she." He replied. Several long minutes of mournful silence passed between them until finally, Jackson stood up and faced his teammates.
"Okay you guy's enough of the grief and pain for one night. Sam wouldn't want it." Although he knew that to be true he also wanted to try and ease O'Neil's pain. A cheeky smile appeared on his lips and he continued. "There is one thing that Sam would never let us talk about and yet it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. So now, I think it would be the perfect time to talk about it."
"Talk about what Danny?" O'Neil asked slightly frustrated. He knew Jackson was only trying to help but he really wasn't in the mood for laughing.
"Remember the time we went to Px...er, whatever it was, and Sam drank that stuff that made her take her shirt off...." With that all three men started laughing, and that's how they spent the rest of the night. Talking about funny incidents from past missions it helped ease the pain for a while. O'Neil felt they had also picked the right place to do it. The SG1 prep room, that way, it felt as though Carter was reliving the memories with them.
Day 2
Now I know you don't here me darlin'
Still I want to take this time to say
How much I truly loved you
And how sorry I am, sorry I am you went away
No need to try and hide it
Yeah I'm broken hearted and sad
Cause God's got so many angels up in heaven
Why'd he take the only angel
The only angel I've ever had
The only angel
I ever had.
O'Neil knew that what he was about to do, was going to be the hardest thing he'd ever have to do in his life. He'd spent all morning in the debriefing room with Jackson, Teal'c and General Hammond, making sure that there was an official report on the events of the day before, the worst day of his life. If that hadn't been hard enough, just as they were finishing, Dr Frasier had turned up, looking tired and heavy hearted, and told them that Sam was lying in state in the emergency room if anybody wanted to pay their last respects or say bye, personally, before the funeral. So here he was. Stood outside that room, knowing that when he entered he would see her for the last time ever. It was a strange feeling; part of him wanted so badly to go in there and talk to her, touch her, look at her. But the other part didn't want to see the one thing he loved more then life itself, without warmth or energy. Slowly he pushed open the door, closing his eyes while he gave his heart time to prepare for the sight that would greet him when he looked in the room. When he eventually found the courage to open them he walked over to where she was lying on a bed. The first thing he noticed was how beautiful she looked. She no longer wore her burnt, blood soaked fatigues; instead she had on her dress uniform. Her hair had been washed and brushed away from her eyes, the same way she always had it, and her face, although pale, was clean, her eyes closed and a smile expressing perfect peace rested on her lips. The thing he found the hardest was that there wasn't even the smallest of scratches on her face. He knew that underneath her royal blue Air Force jacket and blouse, her chest would tell a different story. But to the unknowing eye, nothing looked wrong with her. She simply looked asleep. Pulling up a chair he sat down next to her and took her delicate hand in his.
"I know you can't here me, even though I wish more then anything that you could." He said softly. "But you look beautiful. You always did. I only wish I'd told you. I wish I'd taken the time to tell you a lot of things. Like how it didn't matter how bad the day was going, all I had to do was see your smile or hear your laughter, and everything was all right again. How every time you walked into the room, it didn't matter if it was thundering outside, the sun would always shine. How you were always the first thing on my mind when I woke up in the morning, and the last image in my head before I fell asleep at night." He paused letting the room absorb his words. With his free hand, he gently reached out and stroked her face. "I don't know how you did it Sam, but you got me to love you like I've never loved anyone in my life, before. You were always on mind. I even found myself hating to leave work at night because I knew it would be at least another twelve hours until I got to see you again. When I married Sara, I thought I knew what love was, but until the day you first walked into the briefing room, I didn't have a clue." A sniffling at the door stopped him and he turned round, to see Frasier stood in the doorway, wiping tears from her eyes.
"That's the most beautiful speech I've ever heard." She said between sobs. "I'm sorry Colonel, I know it was private but..."
"It's Okay, it's nice to know someone heard it."
"Well if it means anything to you, I believe that somewhere, somehow, Sam heard every word." She wiped the remaining tears from her eyes and leant against the frame.
"Why her? Why not me?" O'Neil asked sadly.
"Fate, destiny? Whatever you want to call it. I guess her time was just up."
"It's not fair. She had so much to live for. All that energy, all that passion, gone in an instant." He bent his head down and kissed Carter's fingers lightly. "She looks like an angel."
Frasier nodded. "Daniel and Graham both said that."
O'Neil looked at the floor and then back to Frasier, the remorse clear on his face. The Doctor couldn't begin to imagine the pain he must be going through.
"Tell me Janet, if there's a God, why did he give me everything I've ever wanted, let me hear everything I ever wanted to hear, only to take it away from me a second later? Why did he take her away?"
Frasier shrugged. "I know it's hard to understand, but you've got to hang in there Jack."
"It's hard. It's so hard." A short silence fell between them until O'Neil realised that there was one person he had forgotten about. "How's Cassie?"
Frasier shook her head. "Not good. She slept in my bed, well cried in my bed. She just kept saying over and over about how much she wanted her back. I found her asleep this morning, hugging a photo of Sam to her chest. You know, the one with the F16?"
O'Neil nodded. "It will take her a while too get over it. Sam was her hero."
"Sam was your best friend. How are you holding up?"
"Oh you know, I'm trying to be strong for Cassie, but Sam meant a lot to me. I almost rang her last night to ask her advice about how to deal with Cassie's grief. Then I realised it was because of Sam that Cassie was grieving and I sat on the stairs and cried for half an hour. Even today at work, it hasn't properly sunk in, I keep expecting her to poke her head round my office door displaying that big cheeky smile that always used to tell me she was up to no good."
"Yeah." O'Neil laughed. "She was one hell of a jokester but that smile always gave her away."
"Like a child that's just eaten all the cookies." Frasier stopped and looked back out the door. O'Neil saw her talking to someone but couldn't hear what she was saying. When she turned back she looked straight at him.
"Sir, Cassie's here. She want's to say bye to Sam. Do you mind if she comes in and sits with you for a while? I've still got some rounds to do."
O'Neil nodded. "Sure. Don't you want to say bye?"
Frasier smiled. "I've been talking to her all day. She's probably fed up of hearing my voice." He let out a small laugh. Frasier turned serious again. "Jack, are you going to be alright?"
"No, but I'll survive."
She nodded. "Okay, I'll check on you later." Turning she left the room leaving Cassandra stood in the empty doorframe.
"Hi Honey." O'Neil said gently.
"Hi." Cassie replied, not taking her gaze off Sam.
"It's alright. I know this is pretty scary. I'm not going to force you into anything you don't want." He chose his words carefully.
"What does she look like?" she asked apprehensively.
"She looks like Sam, she looks exactly the same as the last time you saw her." Slowly Cassie walked over to O'Neil and sat on his lap. She noticed he was holding Carter's hand.
"Can I do that?" she asked. She appeared to relax a little.
"Of course." He released the hand and held it out to the girl. Cassie touched it quickly and lightly at first but once she found out there was nothing to be afraid of she grasped it.
"She's cold." O'Neil nodded. "Can't you warm her up? I used to love falling asleep in her warm arms."
"You don't know how much I wish I could." He replied.
"I'm never gonna see her again am I?" she asked, O'Neil could hear her voice quavering.
"No your not. But Cassie, Sam loved you so much. She'll never leave you, you know. You might not be able to see her, but she'll always be there. Even when your most scarred." Cassie started to cry and O'Neil placed his arms around her waist.
"I want her back." She wailed.
"We all do honey. This is going to be hard for us all, so we've got to be there for each other. It's what Sam would want." He kissed the top of her head to offer her some comfort.
"I didn't even get to say bye." She said squeezing Carter's hand.
"Well now's your chance." Rubbing her eyes Cassie stood up and bent over Carter so she could see her face.
"Goodbye Samantha." She said quietly. "You were very brave." Bending over even further she kissed Carter on the end of her nose. "I love you." Letting go of her hand she turned back to O'Neil.
"She heard you, don't ever think she didn't." he said lovingly.
"That's good advice, you should take it." Frasier said from the doorway. Cassandra ran to her crying and the Doctor engulfed her adopted daughter in a bear hug. After a few minutes she let her go and Cassie ran off down the corridor.
"Is she Okay?" O'Neil asked concerned.
"Yeah, it was hard for her but she'll be fine. I'll keep her with me for the rest of the day just to make sure."
He nodded. "I thought you had rounds?"
"I do, but I forgot to give you something." Reaching into her coat pocket she pulled out a silver chain and handed it to the Colonel. He took it wrapping his hand around it.
"Sam's dog tags." He clenched them in his palm.
"We took them off her yesterday, there a bit battered where the staff weapon hit them, but I thought you might want them."
"I'd love them, Thank you." Smiling she left again, passing General Hammond in the doorway. O'Neil looked up instantly.
"Sir?" he asked shocked.
"Just come to pay my respects Colonel." He said as way of explanation. Understanding, O'Neil stood up and moved to the other side of the room to give the General some space. Hammond took her hand and brushed his finger across her cheek. "I really wish it hadn't ended like this." He whispered to her. "You were a great soldier Major, one of the best. You did your country and your planet proud. I'll see that your never forgotten." Bending over her he kissed her on the forehead. "Goodbye Sam. God bless." Turning round he nodded to O'Neil indicating he had finished. "Look after yourself Son." He said to the Colonel on his way out. "And if you ever need to talk, my doors always open." Watching as the General left, he walked back to Carter.
"Well, were alone again." He began. "I don't know how I'm gonna live without you, life seems pointless now. Why'd you have to leave me Sam? I need you, you make me who I am." Brushing a strand of hair away from her face he continued. "I'll never be with anyone else. You're the only one I want. I'll never, not love you, even when I'm eighty. You're the reason I was born." He kissed her on the cheek. "I love you with all my heart and soul and when I die, you'll be in my thoughts. My Samantha." Moving his head he kissed her tenderly on the lips. "I'll be with you again someday. Love you forever." Letting his fingers make one last trail of her face, feeling her soft skin for the last time, giving that angelic smile one last look, he backed away and blew her a kiss. "Goodnight Darling!" Turning he put his hand in his pocket and pulled out the dog tags, placing them round his neck so they hung close to his heart. Then, giving her one last, lingering look, he left.
Night
It was late night when Jackson walked into the bar. He'd spent the last five hours contacting and informing Jacob Carter about the events of the last few days. Finally, escorting him and Martouf back through the Stargate so they could attend the funeral tomorrow. Both had been in tears when he left the base an hour a go, his professional side had told him to stay and help them cope with their grief, but the human side just had to get away from the mountain. He had spent so much time trying to help everyone else grieve that he hadn't let himself, and he needed to do that now. Even that afternoon when he'd gone to see Carter in the emergency room, his time alone with her had been cut short due to the entrance of Teal'c. Walking up to the bar he slumped down on the nearest stool. Taking off his glasses he let his head fall into his hands. He was tired of trying to be the strong one.
"Hey Danny!" the bar man said in his usual bubbly voice. "Your usual right? Coffee, black."
"Erm...No" Jackson interrupted. If he was ever going to get through tomorrow he needed something much stronger. "I'll have a double Brandy, thanks."
The mans eyes grew wide with surprise. "Woah! You've been coming here three years now and you've never had anything, stronger then coffee. What happened?" he said jokingly "Your Dog die"
Jackson looked up, his face deadpan. "No actually, one of my best friends did."
"Oh man, I'm sorry." He placed the drink on the bar in front of Jackson. "Here you go, It's on the house."
Jackson nodded and put his glasses back on. Taking a tiny sip of his drink and coughing slightly as it burnt his throat. At the other side of the bar someone walked over to the jukebox and picked out a song, before returning back to his friends.
"It wasn't any of the four guys you always came in here with was it?" The bar man asked after a few minutes.
Jackson nodded. "Samantha Carter."
"Major Sam? No way!" He replied shocked "How?"
"Sorry, it's classified."
"Of course." He shook his head. "I can't believe it, it's terrible, she was an amazing person, always carried that beautiful smile. Those dimples used to drive all the guys here crazy you know."
Jackson smiled "Yeah, they had the same affect on most the guys at work."
"Same thing happened to one of my friends. Man does it hit you hard. You spend every day of your life with them, and you never actually realise how much they mean to you until their gone, then you start to wonder how your gonna get through another day without them."
"Ain't that the truth." Jackson muttered.
"Yep, it's the little things, the things you used to take for granted, that you miss the most. With him, it was the way that he was always there for me. The way he used to laugh at my jokes, even though they weren't really all that funny." He wiped down the top of the bar. "Your gonna miss that laugh. It was infectious. When Sam laughed, everyone laughed with her. Hell, I'll miss that laugh."
"I think what I'll miss most was her ability to always say exactly the right thing." Jackson replied running his fingers around the top of his glass. Throwing the cloth over his shoulder, the bartender patted Jackson lightly on the arm.
"I've got to go and serve these guy's." he motioned towards two men who had just entered. "But do me favour Danny and look after yourself. Give Jack, Janet and Teal'c my condolences as well."
Jackson nodded. "I will." His friend walked off and left him sat alone. Starring down at his drink he took another tiny sip. He smiled to himself as he noticed the pool table that Carter had first beaten O'Neil on, and the stage on which a very drunk Major and Doctor had performed 'I just wanna make love to you' as a duet. It had been weeks before the SGC had let Carter and Frasier forget about it. He wanted to scream, every where he went there were memories of her, the base, his house, this bar, the park, they all did so much together. He saw the team as his family and right now it certainly felt like he'd just lost his sister. As he sat thinking the song from the jukebox reached its chorus. It was one by Puff Daddy. He didn't like the artist but right now this song seemed to express all his feelings. As the song played, every line seemed to whisper Sam in his ear, it was haunting;
Every breath I take
Every move I make
Every single day
Every time I prey
I'll be missing you
Thinking of the day
When you went away
What a life to take
What a bond to break
I'll be missing you
Standing up he downed his drink and left the bar, he'd been wrong to come here tonight. He should have stayed with his friends; it was too painful to face alone. It seemed everybody he loved was taken away from him. How many more funerals was he going to have to struggle through, how many more broken hearts? Walking back to the mountain, he didn't know how in the universe he would survive the next day, he didn't even know if he wanted too.
Day 3
O'Neil pulled on his neatly pressed, light blue, dress shirt and without fastening it, sat down on the end of his bed. He had, had another sleepless night. The pain seemed to be getting worse instead of better. He spent the whole night wondering if there was any way he could have prevented her death. By the time his alarm went off, he had counted twenty-three ways. All of them depending on something he could have said or done differently. Why had he taken the time to stop and look at those stupid footprints? Why hadn't he pushed her out the way when he saw the energy bolt from through the trees? And the one that hurt him the most why didn't he try and get her back through the gate regardless of what she thought best? His thoughts where interrupted by a loud knock on the door of his room.
"Come in.," he shouted, without taking his gaze off the carpet.
Jackson entered dressed smarter then O'Neil thought he had ever seen him. He was wearing a raven black suit and tie, white shirt, and polished black shoes. A small shiny, US pin sat on the lapel of his suit jacket, it was the same as the ones O'Neil wore on his dress uniform.
"Hey Jack. How are you this morning?" he asked concerned.
"Hurting." O'Neil replied simply.
"Yeah. Me too." He sat down on the bed next to his friend.
"How's General Carter?" O'Neil asked referring to Carter's father.
"The same. Selmec's trying to comfort him, but he also feels Sam's loss, so it's not going too well." He looked down at O'Neil's state of dress. "Shouldn't you finish getting ready? The funerals in an hour."
The colonel shrugged.
"Jack, I understand how hard this is for you, but I'll be there. You don't have too face this alone."
O'Neil stood up and walked over to the full, length mirror. He began buttoning his shirt.
"What's the point in love Danny?" he asked after a few minutes of silence.
"What?" Jackson was thrown by the unusual question
He tucked his shirt into his trousers and grabbed his tie from the back of the chair.
"What's the point in something you have to give up." Jackson shook his head unable to understand O'Neil's point. He continued. "You lost your parents and Sha'ree. Teal'c's as good as lost his family, Sam lost her Mother, I've lost Sara, Charlie and Sam." He threw his arms up. "What's the point?"
Jackson shifted uneasily. "I don't know." He replied truthfully. O'Neil struggled to knot his tie so Jackson stood up and did it for him.
"Sam always used to straighten my tie out before we went into briefings. She used to find it funny that I could shoot a knife out a running mans hand from twenty meters, but I couldn't tie my own tie."
Jackson gave him a small hug. "And if I know Sam, she's probably laughing right now." Helping O'Neil into his Air force suit jacket. He patted him on the back. "Come on. The others are waiting for us." Picking his hat up from his bed O'Neil followed Jackson out the room.
The church was packed solid. O'Neil found it hard to believe that Carter had known that many people. He was sat in the front pew, along with General Hammond, Jacob Carter, Frasier, Cassie, and the rest of SG1. Teal'c was dressed identically to Jackson and O'Neil was warmed by the emotion the Jaffa was displaying. To the right of the church, directly behind them, was the staff of the SGC. Including Colonel Makepeace, Sergeant Siler and Lieutenant Simmons, all were in dress military uniforms. Whether air force, army or marines, everyone wanted to mourn the loss of a dear friend and excellent soldier. To the left of the church, was Carter's family and civilian friends. All were dressed in black, some were crying, the arms of loved ones draped around them. The worst sight, however, was at the front of the church. The coffin lay just in front of the altar; the 'Stars and Stripes' of America covered the wood. Carter's, blue Air force hat sat emptily on top of the flag, and in front of the coffin, was the word 'SAMMY', spelt out in yellow roses. The atmosphere was one of complete and utter silence. You could hear a pin drop. O'Neil hated funerals. Suddenly the silence broke as the song Jacob requested began to play and the vicar entered. O'Neil could feel tears swell up in his eyes as the emotional song filled the church. As it played O'Neil understood instantly why the General had chosen it for his daughter.
Vita Mia
Quanta vita c'e
Dentro questi occhi in me
"Welcome to the hardest hour of your life Jack" O'Neil muttered to himself as he stood up with the rest of the church.
There've been times in my life
I couldn't see a difference
In pain, or in joy or in sun,
Or in rain, it just seemed the same
But I'm only human
Branded by ambition
But I'm going to make it count
Vita Mia
Quanta vita c'e
C'e nell'rosso acceso in me
So many intentions (Vita Sia)
In life I could have followed (La tua vita in me)
Come un nuovo danto (Come un nuova danto)
Ora che, muoio per te (Ora che, muoio per te)
Here and now is how I (Vita Mia)
Will live every moment (Quanta vita c'e)
Unafraid of what life gives (Unafraid of what life gives)
Respect things I don't (Respect things I don't)
Understand (Understand)
So many intentions (Vita Sia)
In life I could have followed (La tua vita in me)
Come un nuovo canto (Come un nuovo canto)
Ora che, muoio per te (Ora che, muoio per te)
VITA MIA, VITA MIA (VITA MIA VITA MIA)
The song finished and everyone sat back down, sobs and sniffles could be heard as the church returned to silence. Slowly, Jacob stood and walked to the centre, turning to face the congregation. Clearing his throat he fought back tears.
" The day Samantha was born, was the happiest day of my life." He cleared his throat again, this time tears rolled down his cheeks. "Or at least I thought it was. But in watching her grow up, I found even happier days. Like the one when she was five years old. She'd baked me a cake to welcome me home, I found her in the kitchen, stood next to a black sponge cake, that was as hard as lead. There was more icing around her mouth then on the cake, and she just looked at me and gave me one of her big stupid grins. After that, my kid never did learn how to cook." A small chuckle went round the church. "Every night she'd kiss me and tell me she loved me, and every morning she gave me a hug before I left for work. If her brother got in a fight at school, she'd always defend him, even though she was younger, and at eleven years old, she was the one who kept the family together after the death of her Mom. That was her quality, she put everyone else first. I only told her recently just how proud of her I was. I was proud the day she got her degree, I was proud the day she got her uniform and I was proud the day I found out exactly what she does up on that mountain. But most of all I was proud to call her my daughter." He looked towards the coffin. "I no longer have my kid. Some cruel god came and stole her away from me. Now all I have are these memories of baked cakes and passing out parades, but if there's one thing I do know, it's that Samantha loved life. She embraced it. She made the most of it. On the day that I first held her in my arms, I couldn't have hoped for more." Looking up he spoke to the roof of the church. "I love you Sammy. Look after your Mother." Wiping away tears he returned to his seat. Hammond replaced him, taking off his hat.
"Major Samantha Carter was unique. An outstanding soldier and a genius scientist. She made many friends on the base. She also saved many lives. She wasn't afraid to challenge authority and she always fought the good fight. She was an asset to the United States Air Force and will be greatly missed. Sam lived and died for her country, and that's the greatest honour any soldier can have."
The mourners crowded around the tiny grave in the military burial ground. The rain beating down on them all. O'Neil liked it like this. If he had his way, it would be raining across the face of the Earth as the whole world mourned for Carter. After all, she did save the entire planet. Six airmen carried the coffin and when it was placed down, Hammond took the hat off and handed it to Jacob, he then began to roll the flag up in the proper manner. When he'd finished he handed it to Cassandra and she hugged it to her chest, crying uncontrollably. As the airmen lowered the coffin into the grave, O'Neil heard the vicar's voice; it sounded like he was speaking in slow motion.
"Earth to Earth, Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust."
He looked at the coffin sitting in the ground, the women he loved was now nothing more then a headstone. With that phrase, he lost everything.
"Attention." Hammond shouted professionally. Naturally he responded, legs together, back straight, eyes front, salute. Looking around him he saw that everyone else in uniform was doing the same, Simmons, Silar, Frasier, Makepeace, even Jacob and Hammond. It was then that he felt the first tears roll down his cheeks. As the 60 soldiers honoured Major Carter, four F16's flew over their heads. O'Neil smiled, the world might be unaware of what she had done, but to every service man here, she was a hero.
The burial ground emptied quickly after the funeral finished, and O'Neil stood alone at Carter's grave. He looked at the stone, it was covered in a mass of flowers, a small stuffed, toy sat at it's foot, with the message '. Thank you for loving me, you're my hero, love always, Cassie', Next to that hung half a heart from a best friend chain. He knew Frasier had put that there as he'd seen her wearing the other half at the church.
"Everyone loved you Sam." He said, bending down he placed a red rose in the centre of the display.
"What are you thinking Jack?" Jackson asked from behind him. Teal'c was also with him.
He stood back up. "That everything good in my life, everything I lived for, is now buried six feet under that tombstone."
Jackson put an arm around him and they stood there in silence for several minutes.
"It will get easier now Jack. You've got through the worst part." Jackson said softly.
O'Neil smiled. "Yeah, and if I look on the bright side, with everyday I live, I become one day closer to seeing her again."
"As do we all." Teal'c stated lovingly.
Eventually SG1 turned and walked back to the car, only this time, and for the first time ever, they left one of the team behind.
THE END
FEEDBACK: Yes please. I adore it. Tell me anything you want about my story. (No flames) Also, if there's something you always wanted to see happen in the wonderful world of Stargate, tell me about it, (doesn't have to be episode related) and I'll write a story about, as I'm now stuck for ideas. Ade@tiggertoo.fsnet.co.uk
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