Jack winced as Sekhmet's First Prime forced him down onto his knees, and he squinted through a rapidly closing eye at the sneering Goa'uld on her pretentious throne. The four growling lions chained to the dais were an uneasy distraction, but Jack forced himself to focus on his current captor. She wore the usual overdone makeup, beautiful features rendered ugly by the twisted sneer of those perfect lips. She seemed to prefer scarlet red to the usual golden costume, but the jewelry that dripped from her wrists, ears, and throat more than made up for it.

"Blonde hair," Jack managed, ignoring the pain of his split lip. He coughed lightly, trying not to choke on the heavy scent of burning incense that filled the chamber. "Unusual for you guys. Is that a dye job?"

"Silence!" she snapped, then transferred her glare to the First Prime and the other Jaffa. "Well?"

"Lady of Slaughter," the First Prime murmured, bowing his head deferentially. "As you have commanded, I have brought before you the leader of the Tau'ri."

Sekhmet rose from her throne and sashayed over to Jack. He wished he could call her foolish to get so close to him; but black ops training notwithstanding, there wasn't much he could do to her on his knees, with his hands cuffed behind his back and six Jaffa watching his every move. So he contented himself with a deliberately bored look as she languidly extended her ribbon-deviced hand and crooked her fingers under his chin, forcing his head upwards.

"Surely you jest." Her hand fell away, and she circled him imperiously. "This human, the leader of the Tau'ri?"

The First Prime cleared his throat. "We watched their camp for some time before the attack, Mistress of Dread. The others clearly deferred to him. Even the shol'va himself."

Jack smothered a grin at the definite hint of unease that had crept into the man's voice. Confusion to the enemy was always a good thing.

"I cannot believe it," Sekhmet declared. She came to a halt in front of him again, her eyes flashing with disdain. "The Tau'ri are supposed to be the greatest threat to the System Lords -"

"We do our best," Jack drawled.

She gave him a lazy, contemptuous slap that nonetheless knocked him to the floor. Pain shot through his bruised ribs, and he bit back a yelp. Stupid Goa'uld-enhanced strength.

"How can this...." Sehkmet prodded him with a dainty slipper, even as the First Prime hauled him back into his kneeling position. "...be the leader that killed so many?" Her hand lifted, the crystal of the ribbon device already beginning to pulsate.

"I get by," Jack assured her, injecting just the right amount of cheekiness into his tone to make her eyes glow again with suppressed fury. "With a little help from my friends, of course. We've managed to rack up quite a tally over the years. Ra. Hathor. Seth. Amaunet. Sokar. Apophis, a couple of times."

"Your friends, Tau'ri?" she mocked. "And where are these friends of yours now?"

The ribbon device hovered inches from his forehead, and he braced himself -

And the door behind him exploded inwards, shards of stone pinwheeling across the chamber.

"Oh, that'd be them," Jack said gleefully, even as he prudently fell flat on his face. Staff weapon blasts and a hail of bullets spat just overhead, cutting the First Prime and the other Jaffa nearly in half.

Sekhmet stepped back with a snarl of rage, and the air shimmered around her as she activated her personal shield. Bullets spanged harmlessly away even as she took a second step backward, and Jack realized that she was going to release the lions.

The idea of being lunch, or even slightly mauled, didn't really appeal to him. He twisted onto his back, ignoring the bite of the cuffs around his wrists, and swung his legs in a neat arc that just managed to catch the Goa'uld by the ankle. She tripped and shrieked with fury as she landed in an ungainly sprawl. Then a knife sliced effortlessly through the shield and embedded itself in Sekhmet's shoulder, and it was all over but the clean-up.

Carter was suddenly there, her P-90 dangling from its strap, and Daniel was tugging the ribbon device off Sehkmet's hand, and Teal'c was effortlessly hauling Jack onto his feet. He did something to the cuffs on Jack's wrists, and they quietly snicked open. Daniel was saying something about lions in mythology and triggering the hieroglyphics to find the secret entrance, even as he bound the Goa'uld's hands with triple zip ties. Carter rummaged through her pack for her med kit, and Teal'c left the group to take a quick look at the lions' chains to make sure they were secure.

"You okay, Jack?" Daniel asked, peering at him. "I'm sorry it took us so long."

"S'okay," Jack said, even as he winced when Carter prodded at his ribs. "Just a little dented."

"Can you make it back to the Stargate, sir?" she asked, frowning a little. "We should take Sehkmet with us - the general will want to question her before we send her through the Gate to Cimmeria. But if you can't walk..."

"No, Carter, I'll manage." He straightened, but didn't protest the hand Daniel quietly slipped under his elbow.

Jack looked around at his team. They'd worked seamlessly together to find Sehkmet's lair, then taken the Goa'uld down with smooth efficiency and no casualties other than his own bumps and bruises. They were all ready to move out, their prisoner guarded by Teal'c and Carter watching their six. Smarts and strength and synchronization...

He let Daniel take some of his weight as they steered for the door, and allowed himself a private grin.

Oh, yeah. With a little help from my friends.

Sam aimed the light into the mouth of the cave, sweeping the floor and walls. There was no sign that anyone had been there recently, but the dimensions looked right and the radio signals were strong. She gave Teal'c a quick nod over her shoulder, then reached to toggle her radio.

"Sir, I think we've found the right cave," she reported. "We're going in now."

"Right, Captain." Jack's voice crackled and sputtered beneath a heavy layer of static, but she could still hear Daniel's muffled coughs in the background. "Daniel doesn't think it'll take too long to dig us out, but be careful."

"How's the air?"

"Dusty," Jack drawled. "Fresh enough, though. There are a few gaps in the rubble. We'll be fine."

"Yes, sir. Carter out."

Behind her, she heard Teal'c saying firmly, "You must remain here, Councilor Sheb. Captain Carter and I will rescue our companions."

"But we wish to help!" Sheb protested. "You have done us a great service by killing the creature. Please, allow us to help you recover Colonel O'Neill and Doctor Jackson!"

Sam shot another look behind her, frowning. The little man had good intentions, but the idea of the natives excitedly - and loudly - trailing into a cave that had already suffered two rockfalls...

"It is unwise to allow large groups of people inside," Teal'c explained calmly. "The ceiling appears stable, but there is no guarantee that it will remain so."

"Oh. Yes." The little man shuffled his feet unhappily. "Perhaps we could ready supplies out here, in anticipation of your return?"

"That would be a good idea, Councilor," Sam said quickly. "Blankets, rope, hot water, clean cloths to use as bandages - all that would be very useful." Most of those items were in their packs, of course, but it would keep Sheb and the others busy, and safely out of the way.

Sheb brightened. "I will return within six sheebum," he promised, and turned and scurried off, his bright purple robe flapping around his knees.

"Sheebum?" Sam repeated dubiously.

"Approximately ten minutes," Teal'c clarified as he joined her by the cave mouth. "No doubt Councilor Sheb intends to be back in less than an hour."

"Let's hope we're done by then," Sam muttered, and the two of them carefully stepped into the cave.

The whole thing had gone south so quickly. The Wooleys, as the purple-garbed natives of P4X-701 called themselves, had been terrorized for decades by a large carnivorous creature that swept down from the sky without warning to snatch victims as prey. Daniel had wondered if the monster had been set upon the Wooleys by the Goa'uld, but the description hadn't matched any creature that Teal'c could identify from his own experiences.

They'd gotten a quick and horrifying look at the monster when it attacked a few short hours after their arrival. It swooped down from the sky, claws outstretched. SG-1 immediately opened fire, but bullets simply bounced off the thick hide, and even staff weapon blasts seemed to do little more than annoy it. It had been enough to drive the creature away, though, and it flew back toward the cave where it lived, some three klicks away from the village.

As it disappeared with a final, angry screech, the team looked at one another.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"C4?"

"C4."

They consulted the Wooleys, who were excited but nervous at the prospect. Councilor Sheb, who accompanied them to the creature's lair with several other Wooleys, warned them of the risks.

"It will not be enough to destroy only this entrance," he explained. "We know there is another way into these caves - twice, we have crept inside and rescued the creature's victims before they were killed."

"We'll be careful," Daniel promised. Then he and Jack stepped inside the cave to make a detailed inspection, while Sam and Teal'c guarded the entrance.

"We can bring it down safely enough, Jack," he finally said, "but I'm not sure how we can know if it's trapped inside..."

The discussion became moot when the monster came arrowing through the cave mouth, its single eye red with insane fury and the lethal tip of its horn aimed straight at Teal'c. Teal'c flung himself to the ground, which saved his life, but his staff weapon clattered away, leaving him armed with nothing more than a pistol and a knife.

Chaos reigned. Jack and Daniel were cut off from the entrance. Sam's M5 hammered away at the monster, keeping it distracted from Teal'c. Sheb and the others, ignoring Sam's orders to get to safety, picked up stray rocks and hurled them at the beast. Then Jack was yelling something into the radio, and Teal'c's staff weapon went off, and -

And then the ceiling poured down in a hailstorm of stone and dust, crushing the monster directly beneath it. Sam, Teal'c, and the Wooleys were close enough to the cave mouth to escape with little more than scrapes and bruises, but Jack and Daniel were trapped inside.

"Sir!" Sam shouted into her radio. "Sir, are you and Daniel all right?"

"Oh, yeah," Jack gasped back, choking on cave dust. "We're just great. Looks like we're stuck with Plan B, though."

"I don't know why we don't go straight to Plan B in the first place," Daniel grumbled though his own coughs.

"If we did, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said drily into his own radio, "we would no doubt be required to revert to Plan C."

They worked out Plan B soon enough: Sheb would lead Sam and Teal'c to the other entrance, and Jack and Daniel would try and find their own way out. Hopefully, they would rendezvous somewhere in the middle. The other Wooleys hurried back to the village to spread the good news that the monster was dead.

They'd been walking for twenty minutes when the radio crackled again, and Daniel gave them the bad news:

"Ah, Sam? Little problem here." He coughed twice.

"What's wrong?" Sam asked sharply.

"Ask Sheb when they last used this other entrance, will you? Because I think we found it - and it's blocked by another rockfall."

Sam looked at Teal'c with horrified dismay. "You mean you're trapped?"

"Looks like."

"Was this second collapse caused by the first one, Daniel Jackson?" Teal'c asked calmly into his own radio.

There was a moment's silence, then, "Hold on," came Jack's voice. "Daniel's checking." A few minutes went by, and the the radio crackled again. "Daniel says this rockfall's a lot older. The good news, according to our archaeologist, is that the ceiling over our head looks stable. But we won't be able to dig ourselves out on our own."

Sam took a deep breath. "We'll be there in a few more minutes, sir," she said as calmly as she could. "Carter out."

Now, she and Teal'c entered the cave and got to work. The older rockfall that had trapped Jack and Daniel was about 200 feet from the entrance. Teal'c's staff weapon made a fine lever, and Sam used her engineering skills to find the best angles of attack. It took about fifty minutes, working carefully and steadily on both sides, before they managed to clear away enough rubble for Jack and Daniel to clamber over the pile of rock and escape their impromptu prison.

They staggered a little as they emerged and blinked in surprise at the cheer that went up. Almost half the village was waiting for them, eager to give them a heroes' greeting. There was a flurry of blankets and bandages, and some of the younger Wooleys were busily setting up a campfire. The natives were definitely ready to party.

Jack made their excuses, explaining that they needed to get back to Earth for medical attention. The Wooleys, disappointed, pressed them with small gifts and extracted a promise that SG-1 would try to return as soon as possible.

They tramped back towards the Stargate, Daniel limping just a little and Jack favoring a bruised shoulder. Teal'c took point, and Sam had their six.

"I wish we could've figured out what that thing was," Daniel said wistfully.

"It's a dead thing. What else do we need to know?" Jack shot back.

"What if we encounter another one on some other planet? A little knowledge could help us a lot! I couldn't even tell if it was a bird or a reptile. Maybe it was some kind of dinosaur, or -"

"We know it can't survive being crushed by rock. Having a name besides 'big and scaly' isn't going to matter."

"Jack!"

"Daniel, you don't do paleontology, and you already said you don't have any mythological thingies to help this time. So unless you're going to try and tell me it was some kind of dragon, we're never going to be able to give it a name. Just drop it and -"

"On the contrary, O'Neill," Teal'c said without looking over his shoulder. "This creature is well-known on your world."

The others stopped short, then hurried to catch up as Teal'c kept walking.

"What do you mean, Teal'c?" Daniel demanded. "It doesn't match any Egyptian legends, and you said you didn't recognize it from your experiences with the Goa'uld!"

"That is correct."

They waited, but Teal'c merely strode on.

"T? Care to explain?"

"The creature is immortalized by song among the Tau'ri, O'Neill." They'd reached the clearing with the Stargate, and Teal'c stopped. He turned towards them, his left eyebrow arched. "Surely you know of what I speak?"

"Ah, can't say we do, Teal'c," Sam said, frowning.

Teal'c tilted his head slightly. "I am surprised, Captain Carter. And, indeed, somewhat disappointed."

"Teal'c..."

Teal'c gave the tiniest of sighs before elaborating. "It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater." He paused, as if savoring their stunned silence, then added thoughtfully, "I must confess, however, that it did not look all that strange to me."

Daniel had been pretty buzzed, but the news that General Hammond was being relieved of command of the SGC sobered him completely.

"I've been ordered to Washington to discuss reassignment. I leave tomorrow," Hammond told them.

"Ah, General? We do have a little... unfinished business here," Jack suggested tentatively, and Daniel wanted to scream. A little unfinished business? Jack's very sense of self was going to start trickling away as soon as the Ancient download started overwriting his synapses, and they had to waste time playing politics with Kinsey and his cronies?

Hammond grimaced. "As far as I know, you're all to report for work as scheduled on Monday."

"Something must be done," Teal'c insisted, and his face actually betrayed his distress.

"I have my orders." Hammond paused, then added, "Besides, I have a feeling I may be able to do more about this from Washington than I can here."

"And in the meantime?" Sam demanded.

"You'll just have to plead your case to the new administration," said Hammond. He looked from Jack to Sam to Teal'c to Daniel, and despite his civilian dress and his sudden loss of command, his gaze had lost none of its inspiring conviction. "I have every confidence in you people."

Daniel felt his spine stiffen in automatic response to Hammond's praise. Here was the man who had led the SGC for seven years, who was respected not only for his rank, but also for his courage, his honor, and values, and his strength of will. How could they face this crisis without him?

"Sir..." Jack started.

"George," Hammond corrected, his lips twitching into a rueful smile. He lifted his bottle of Guiness in salute. "Under the circumstances, Jack, I hardly think we need stand on protocol."

"So, sir," Jack said again, and that little glint in his eyes spoke volumes to Daniel. "You said you're going up to Washington tomorrow?"

"Yes, that's right."

"You'll be taking the red-eye special, no doubt," Jack continued.

Hammond eyed him. "No," he said, allowing an extra hint of Texas to drag the word out in a suspicious drawl. "The order to go to Washington isn't quite so urgent at that."

Daniel wasn't sure where Jack was going with this, but he readily picked up the thread of conversation. "You're not meeting the President tomorrow, sir?"

"Not tomorrow, no. I have a scheduled mid-morning appointment on Monday."

Jack looked speculatively at each member of the team. Teal'c cocked an eyebrow. Sam pursed her lips. Daniel suppressed a smile.

"It would take what, twenty-four hours to drive there?" Jack said, looking thoughtful.

"About twenty-six, sir," Sam corrected helpfully. "I've driven it more than once." Her mouth quirked into a smile as she added, "Of course, when I do the driving, it's more like twenty-three."

"My Jeep is parked right outside," Daniel volunteered, feeling suddenly lighter. This was so Jack. This was why he and Teal'c - and Sam - had come to Jack's house in the first place. They all deserved this time together... and why not with the general, too?

"I would be pleased to compare the roads of today with those in 1969," agreed Teal'c.

Hammond, eyes narrowed with suspicious confusion, looked at them each in turn. "I'm afraid I don't understand."

"Road trip, sir!" Jack chirped, bouncing to his feet. "We'll have you there by early Sunday evening - just in time for a good dinner."

"Prime Rib," Sam chimed in. "Best steakhouse in Washington, sir."

The doorbell chimed.

"There's the pizza! About time, too. Perfect! We'll take it with us." Jack headed for the door.

Hammond stood, rubbing his forehead.

"Are you all seriously suggesting we just get into Doctor Jackson's Jeep and drive to Washington, D.C.?" he asked incredulously.

"I believe we are, General Hammond." Teal'c gave a gracious nod.

"We'll fly back here afterwards, sir," Sam assured him. "Don't worry, we'll be at the SGC on Monday, right on time."

"But Doctor Jackson's car..."

"I can get it back a different time, sir," Daniel said. Assuming we're all still alive afterwards, he didn't add.

"But - a twenty-six hour road trip?"

"More like twenty-three, sir," Sam said with impish confidence.

"We can wait half an hour or so if you need to pack first, sir," Daniel offered brightly.

Hammond regarded them seriously for a long moment, then smiled. He set down his beer bottle on the sidetable.

"Agreed," he said. "On one condition."

Jack came back into the living room, balancing three pizza boxes in one hand. "Oh? What's that, sir?"

"That you let me do some of the driving." The general's smile morphed into a wicked grin, and Daniel suddenly remembered how Hammond had "threaded the needle" with Teal'c all those years ago. "I'll bet I can shave our travel time down to twenty-two."

Sam, Teal'c, and Daniel didn't even bother to look up when the door to Sam's lab slammed open. There was only one person on base who barged in like that.

"Carter!"

"Yes, sir?" Sam said absently, even as she delicately manipulated a datacard with a pair of tweezers.

"Carter, we messed up the timeline. We have to use the timeship again to fix it."

"No, we don't, sir." Sam smiled at the satisfying snick as the datacard slotted into place, and turned to face Jack. "We already decided that a few fish in your pond aren't worth the risk."

"But this is much more important!"

"Jack, there is no timeline in which the Cubs won the World Series in '89," Daniel warned.

"Oh, there's definitely a timeline where that happened, Daniel," Sam disagreed. "There has to be."

They all looked at her.

"Statistically speaking," she insisted, although a note of defensiveness had crept into her tone.

Jack waved his hands. "Will you all just stop and listen to me! This isn't about the Cubs!"

"That will be a most refreshing change, O'Neill," Teal'c observed.

Jack glared at him, and merely got an ironic eyebrow in return.

"So, sir, if this isn't about the fish..."

"Again," Daniel muttered under his breath.

"...and this isn't about the Cubs..."

"Again," Daniel sighed.

"...then what is it, sir?" The words this time hovered in the air, unspoken but clearly understood.

"Mythology has changed!" Jack said triumphantly.

Daniel snorted. "So, the change in the timeline is that you recognize that? Please!"

"Daniel Jackson, that would truly be a serious alteration of reality."

"Very funny. I'm telling you, it's different!" Jack shuddered. "It's weird."

"Sir, I've explained this to you before. If the timeline had changed, we wouldn't actually know."

"What aspect of mythology do you think has changed, Jack?" Daniel was wearing his "humor Jack" expression, which was deliberately calculated to be as annoying as possible.

"Vampires," Jack snapped. "Vampires are supposed to be creatures of the night that stalk people and drink blood, right?"

"Well, the modern mythos is based on Bram Stoker's Dracula, but Stoker swiped the name from Wallachia's Vlad the Impaler, who was probably -"

"Ah! Daniel!" Jack held up a warning finger. "I don't care about that part! Just - vampires are supposed to be scary and creepy, right?"

Teal'c frowned slightly. "I do not believe that aspect of mythology has changed, O'Neill. I distinctly recall the creatures featured on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and they were indeed very -"

"Actually, traditional mythology has no real consensus for how vampires look, Jack. Descriptions ranged all over the place, depending on the country of origin. They weren't exactly -"

"But not sparkly, I assume?"

Daniel automatically opened his mouth to argue, then closed it. "Ah - not that I recall, no..."

"See?" Jack slapped a hand down on lab bench.

"Sir, you haven't actually seen any, uh, sparkly vampires around, have you?" Sam considered for a moment, then added, "Or any other kind?"

"Hammond conned me into taking Tessa and Kayla to a movie last night." Jack shuddered in recollection. "And it was all about sparkly vampires. I'm telling you, it was creepier than Zipacna in his Chiquita hat!"

"Oh!" Enlightenment sparked in Sam's eyes. "You saw Twilight."

"Twilight?" repeated Teal'c and Daniel, more or less simultaneously.

"Yeah, Cassie told me about it. It's the latest fangirl craze, apparently. A series of books that got made into a movie."

"About sparkly vampires?" Daniel drew his brows together.

"Well, yes." Sam shrugged. "There's no accounting for some tastes."

Jack was looking ever more horrified than before. "Do you mean to tell me that someone actually wrote a series of books about sparkly vampires, and the timeline didn't need to be changed to make that happen?" he demanded.

Sam stifled a grin. "Sorry, sir."

"Twilight isn't proof of a fracture in the space-time continuum?"

"Nope."

Jack's voice turned plaintive. "Are you sure?"

"Sorry, sir," Sam said again, no longer trying to hide her smile.

Jack scowled. "That's just sick."

Daniel chuckled and got to his feet. "Cheer up, Jack," he advised. "It could be worse. Imagine if someone based a movie on those freak weather patterns that were set off when Maybourne's goons stole the Touchstone..."

Jack stared at him. So did Sam. So did Teal'c, although his disbelieving stare was tempered by pity.

Daniel blinked at them, utterly clueless. "...What?"

Jack scowled as the prison door clanged shut behind them. "Well, this is familiar," he said, his voice laden with sarcasm. He, Carter, and Teal'c stuck behind bars, with Daniel somewhere up in the palace...

But that wasn't fair. No one was suggesting they'd be sent to work in the local naquadah mines this time, and anyway, Daniel certainly hadn't been given a choice in the matter. He'd first been drugged, then held at knifepoint while the rest of SG-1 was stripped of their gear and herded off to the cells. It had infuriated Jack to tamely go along with the relatively inept guards, but the knife held to Daniel's throat was too powerful an argument to resist.

Their last glimpse of Daniel had shown him dazed and unfocused, vaguely trying to struggle as the prince's goons tied him into a chair. Jack gritted his teeth and surveyed the dank prison, looking for a way out.

"I can pick that lock in ten seconds, sir," Carter murmured, apparently reading his mind.

"Yeah." Jack deliberately moved away from the tempting lock and glowered at the two sneering guards. "But can we do it fast enough to stop these creeps from pulling the bell pull?"

The bell pull, they'd been told, would sound a warning in the room where Daniel was being interrogated. If they tried to escape, Daniel would be killed.

"If they approach the bars too closely, O'Neill, we can hold them," Teal'c said quietly, his voice carrying a certain heavy menace.

Jack nodded. He'd watched carefully as they'd been marched down the dungeon stairs. These two didn't know the first thing about treating their prisoners with caution. He could have one of them pinned against the bars with an arm around the throat in less then four seconds, if they were careless enough to get too close. Teal'c, of course, could do it in two.

But what were the chances they could get both guards at the same time, before they could give the alert...?

He cursed under his breath. Then, for good measure, he cursed out loud.

His inner clock, tensely counting off the minutes, had marked nearly two hours when they heard the door to the dungeon slammed open. There was a shuffling of feet, a small whimpering noise, and then the distinct tramp of more than one person coming down the stairs.

The guards suddenly straightened, looking more alert. One moved toward the stone steps, then stopped short, his mouth agape in an almost comical expression of surprise. He said something in the local language - some kind of pidgin Goa'uld, Daniel had said before everything went south - and Jack's eyes narrowed as the man's voice rose nearly an octave in alarm.

Then the prince himself came stumbling down the last few steps into the main dungeon, forcibly escorted by the arm wrenched painfully behind his back by a man in disheveled BDUs.

"Daniel!" Carter exclaimed.

Daniel looked... well, awful, Jack had to admit. Hair stringy and lank with sweat, glazed eyes with pupils blown wide, split lip, glasses missing. And yet he held his former captor in a perfect arm lock, the prince's right hand nearly flattened against his own shoulder blade.

Jack grinned with peremptory pride. I taught him that move, he thought with fierce satisfaction. And all those practice drills seemed to have worked, too. Daniel had complained at the time, but Jack had insisted they repeat the maneuver over and over until Daniel could practically do it in his sleep. It looked as if he wasn't all that far from unconsciousness now - and he'd still done it right! Good.

"Nice work, Daniel," he called, his voice level and calm in an effort to keep Daniel focused. "Now, if you can just tell his royal highness to -"

The guard nearest the stairs leapt at Daniel and the moaning prince. The other fumbled his pistol-bow out of its sheath.

Even as Sam shouted a warning and Teal'c snaked an arm through the bars to grab the closer guard, Daniel flung the prince to the ground and closed with his attacker. There was a sudden flurry of moves that Jack couldn't quite follow, and then the guard was lying wheezing on the floor, flat on his back, with Daniel's right foot planted firmly on his neck.

Jack blinked. "Huh," he muttered to no one in particular. "I didn't teach him that one."

"I instructed Daniel Jackson in that maneuver," Teal'c said, the raised eyebrow carrying the faintest trace of smugness. He had the second guard pinned against the bars, gurgling and turning purple. Carter had already picked the lock and was pushing the door open.

Then Jack's eyes widened with alarm, and he dived through the open door. The prince had scrambled to his feet. It was clear that sheer rage was drowning out his shame and fear, because he'd pulled a knife and lunged at Daniel's unsuspecting back.

"Daniel!" Jack howled. Too much distance separated them. He'd never get there in time -

Daniel twisted, swaying slightly on his feet. He braced himself against the fallen guard's body, and kicked.

The prince's eyes bulged. His head came forward. Daniel's fist crashed down on his unprotected neck.

The prince collapsed.

In the sudden, almost awed silence, Jack sped to Daniel's side and made quick work of the downed guard before the man could recover and resume the attack. Then he reached out and very gently took Daniel's arm.

"You did good, Daniel," he told him, keeping his tone low and soothing. "Let's get you home, huh?"

Daniel blinked at him with heavy eyelids. "I did what you told me to, Jack," he slurred.

"Yes, Daniel." Jack tugged him towards the steps, waving for Carter to take point and make sure their escape was clear. "You did."

"And what Teal'c told me to," Daniel added, lifting a foot with exaggerated caution onto the bottom step.

"You performed admirably, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c assured him as he followed behind.

"And what Sam told me to," Daniel finished. The triumph in his voice fought a losing battle with the dopey expression on his face.

"What... Sam...?"

Jack swallowed hard and glanced up the stone steps at Carter, who looked back down at him with an amused, dangerous glint in her eyes.

"Oh, yes, sir," she said with satisfaction. "I taught him that last one."

"Ah." Jack cleared his throat. "Right."

"This is not my fault!" Daniel hissed.

"Yes, it is."

"I told you - the Xrvigs don't even have a word for 'team'! They do everything within family units. So when I called us a team, they just assumed..."

"Oh, great. So we're all married instead," Sam snarled, deliberately resting her icy feet on Daniel's bare leg.

He yelped and squirmed. "No! Not married, Sam. Family."

"And the family that sleeps together, gets mineral rights together," Jack snarked. He tried to tug an edge of the blanket towards him, but Teal'c's grip was immovable.

"Would you care to rephrase that? Sir?"

Jack hastily flapped his hands in apology, only to receive twin howls of protest in return as he let in an extra draft of cold air. "Sorry, sorry," he muttered. "Just thinking of how much fun Frasier is going to have when she hears about this. Pretty sure she's going to win the pool."

"It's just a ritual, okay?" Daniel grumbled. "We spend the night in this room -"

"This subterranean, freezing closet, without any of our gear," Sam corrected coldly. "Not to mention our boots. Or our pants!"

"We spend one night in relative discomfort," Daniel snapped. "It proves to the Xrvigs that we're a family unit. And they put us here because it's the entrance to the mines we've been asking about! It's symbolic. Just like the family thing."

"You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your relatives," Jack sighed. He gave up on Teal'c's side of the blanket. Trying to steal some of Sam's would be tantamount to suicide, so he tried to appropriate part of Daniel's instead.

Daniel eyed him and said sweetly, "Keep that up, Jack, and I will tell the Xrvigs that we're married. All four of us."

Jack hastily let go.

"Really, you guys," Daniel added with exasperation. "Would it kill you to pretend to be family, for just a couple of hours?"

"Look, it's not that I'm really arguing with the sentiment," Sam tried. "I do think of you guys as family, I do." She shifted a little closer to Teal'c, wondering if his symbiote was anything like a hot water bottle. "But this whole prove-we're-family thing is just -"

"I must disagree with you, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c interjected.

Daniel raised his brows with surprise. Teal'c had been remarkably quiet throughout all the squabbling, even for him, and he'd hoped that the Jaffa had taken refuge from all the nonsense in the peacefulness of kel no reem. "Really, Teal'c? What about?"

"No subterfuge is necessary. I do, indeed, look upon you all as family."

Daniel blinked. "Oh. Well. Thank you, Teal'c," he said. "That's - that means a lot to me, and to Sam and Jack, too."

"It certainly does," Sam agreed heartily.

"Course it does," Jack said, giving Teal'c an affectionate slap on the arm and surreptitiously trying to tug on the blanket again.

"Were you not my family," Teal'c continued with unruffled calm, "I would have hurled all three of you to the floor long ago, and spent the night alone in this bed in relative comfort."

Jack carefully released his grip on the blanket. Sam edged an inch or two back. Daniel licked his lips, and stopped squirming.

Teal'c nodded at each of them in turn and closed his eyes again.

When the Xrvig leader arrived in the morning, surrounded by the family members that made up the ruling council, she found the three human members of SG-1 piled in a sleeping heap around the serene, upright Jaffa.

"Such a cute family," she cooed.

Teal'c could not quite suppress the smile that twitched at the corners of his mouth as he looked down at his sleeping friends. "Indeed."

The rings snapped down around Teal'c, whisking him into the center of the maze. Swearing horribly, Jack took down the last attackers with his most direct and brutal moves. He left them groaning and twitching as he sprinted towards the sealed entrance where Daniel and Sam were huddled next to an open panel.

"They got him," he snapped, skidding to a halt. "How do we get him out?"

"Working on it, sir," Sam said distractedly, her fingers flying over her makeshift wiring. "Daniel, try it now!"

Daniel slapped a palm against a dull purple crystal. Sam snatched her hand back with a yelp, but the ornate door slid ponderously open.

Jack started forward, but Sam grabbed his sleeve. "Sir, you can't just run in there blindly," she warned.

"Teal'c is stuck in there!" Jack hissed. "Without his staff weapon!"

Daniel's face spasmed. "You don't think... No. He'll be all right. He's got his knife." The fear for Teal'c didn't show in his voice, but Jack could see it in his eyes.

"Yes, Daniel, he does. And I'd bet Teal'c against a dozen men any day, but he's facing a minotaur this time!"

"You still can't go in there without guidance, sir," Sam repeated urgently. "It'll take too long and Daniel says some of the dead ends are booby trapped."

Jack slapped a frustrated hand on the barrel of his MP5. "Then find me a path!" he ordered. "And do it fast."

Daniel's hands sketched helpless patterns in the air. "Jack, it's not as if they've got directions to the Labyrinth printed on the -"

"Actually, I think they might," Sam interrupted. "Look at this, Daniel!" She jabbed a finger at the twisted bit of metal lying on the pebbled ground. It was the cover they'd pried off the panel to hotwire the Labyrinth's entrance. The back of the cover was covered with spidery hieroglyphics in a language that looked to the untrained eye like random chicken scratches, but Daniel's eyes brightened as he dropped to his knees next to the cover, forcing the bent metal back into shape so he could read it properly.

"Okay. Okay," he muttered. "This is - oh, this is not okay."

"Daniel?" Jack rapped. "Teal'c is on a time limit here!"

"Just... okay, wait." He looked up at them, face set, and his words tripped over themselves in his haste. "Jack, this isn't exactly precise. You'll have to keep in touch with us on the radio while I translate this and - Sam, you'll have to convert Ancient Greek measurements into modern-day ones on the fly if we're going to -"

"We're going to," Jack said firmly. "Keep your radio on, Carter. I'm heading in now."

"First right," Daniel called after him as Jack strode forward. "Take the first right and then..."

His voice suddenly cut off as Jack crossed the threshold. Alarmed, Jack whirled around and spotted the faint shimmer of a force field that had sprung up in the entranceway. He poked it with a careful finger, and his hand passed through easily enough. He could see Daniel and Sam, still see Daniel's mouth moving and his hands waving, but he couldn't hear them at all.

Just sound cut off, then?

"Sir?"

Jack allowed himself the luxury of a single sigh of relief as Sam's voice crackled over the radio. "I can't hear you through the door, Captain, but it looks like radio transmissions are still working."

"Good. That's... good, sir." There was a moment's pause, and he watched her confer with Daniel. Then the radio crackled again. "Daniel says you should take that first right, and then walk..." There was another hesitation, and he saw her tip her head back momentarily as she made some rapid calculations. "...seventeen meters, sir, ignoring any side passages. Then you'll be faced by two identical arches. Take the left one and..."

Jack headed deeper into the Labyrinth, Sam's voice riding in his earpiece like an angel on his shoulder, whispering confident instructions without a hint of the strain Jack knew she must be feeling. Consciously shutting down his own sense of direction, he placed his trust in the two team members collaborating to get him to the center, knowing they were just as eager to get to their fourth teammate on time.

Twelve meters forward, and duck under a low lintel to backtrack nine meters before turning into a new corridor heading seventy degrees westward, and follow this new path for twenty-six meters before turning south through the third door in the passage...

The crawling minutes made Jack's skin itch, and his fingers gripped the handle of his MP5 a little more tightly. He followed the radioed instructions and tried to run faster. Teal'c had been trapped with the minotaur for way too long.

He heard it before he saw it: an angry rumble that quickly resolved itself into furious roars. The passageway opened wider, and Jack was sprinting now, his goal finally in sight. Gasping breaths, growls and hisses, the scrabble of claws and the thud of blows. There it was, only a dozen meters away!

But even as he accelerated, the calm voice in his ear suddenly rose in panic. "Sir! If there's a straight path ahead of you, don't take it!" He could hear Daniel's voice in the background, almost shrill as he shouted something muffled at Sam. "You have to take the side passage to your right - there's a trap directly ahead of you!"

Jack was close enough now to actually glimpse the tumbled figures locked together in the center, Teal'c grappling with knife and fists as something truly monstrous clawed at him. The urge to bolt forward and empty his clip in the beast's hide was almost overwhelming.

But he trusted his team.

Even when it was almost unbearable.

With no breath to spare to hiss the curse on the tip of his tongue, Jack threw himself into the narrow passageway to his right. It bent sharply leftward after only a few paces and sloped slightly upwards. It was taking him to the center, all right, even if those extra precious seconds might prove deadly to Teal'c.

There!

Jack burst into the center of the maze, already bringing his rifle to bear.

"Teal'c!" he yelled over the noise of the battle.

There was a sudden extra flurry of movement, and the two grappling figures broke apart, the minotaur howling with rage as it clutched at the dripping wound on its right shoulder.

Jack's finger tightened on the trigger... but then he hesitated. The creature - and he had a half-second to note that it looked more like an Unas on steroids than a half-man half-bull, no matter what Daniel said - was still backing away, angry but wary.

There was time to do this right.

"Teal'c!" he shouted again, and as Teal'c looked up, Jack threw the MP5 at him.

Teal'c caught it one-handed, whipped it into position, and fired a barrage of bullets directly at the minotaur. The creature staggered backwards, swayed, and collapsed.

The echoes died away. Everything was suddenly very quiet.

Jack eyed his teammate. Teal'c's chest heaved for breath, and his left hand shook a little as he wiped away some of the blood and sweat that stained his forehead. But his eyes were calm, and he gave Jack that little bow of the head in acknowledgement.

Oh, yeah. Teal'c was going to be fine.

Sam's voice was anxious in his ear, and Jack hastily thumbed the button of his radio. "Teal'c's all right, Captain. And the minotaur is dead. You and Daniel did good work." He glanced over at Teal'c and added with a twisted smile, "So did you."

Sam sounded relieved, but she maintained her professionalism as she reported, "Daniel says there should be ring controls there, sir. Do you want to look for them, or would you prefer that we talk you back out through the maze?"

Teal'c glanced at the walls and nodded at an ornate mosaic that depicted the minotaur messily devouring a screaming victim. Jack followed his gaze and spotted what Teal'c had already seen: the eyes of the minotaur in the mosaic were actually crystals.

"We've got controls," Jack told Sam. "No more booby traps to worry about?"

"Daniel says no, sir."

"How about our oh-so-helpful pals out there?"

Daniel's voice chimed in, sounding almost wolfishly cheerful. "Oh, they tried to argue."

Never come between a captain and an archeologist trying to save their colonel and Jaffa, Jack decided. It wasn't good for the health.

But he only said, "Teal'c and I should be showing up in the next minute or so. Stand by."

He clicked off the radio and looked at Teal'c more carefully. Some of that blood might be the minotaur's, but too much was Teal'c's for his comfort.

"You gonna make it?" he asked.

Teal'c stepped forward, a little more slowly than Jack would have liked, but he seemed steady enough. "I will," he said.

"Great." Jack stopped himself from clapping Teal'c on the shoulder, and settled for a more gentle pat. "Come on, big guy. Let's go home."

She was five feet, two inches tall, weighing just over 100 pounds. Yet the little woman in the white jacket and high heels was staring down a colonel, a major, and a Jaffa, and all three of them were very close to shuffling their feet in guilty embarrassment.

"There had better be a good explanation for this," she said coolly.

"It's not really their fault, Janet," came a plaintive, somewhat nasal voice from the other side of the curtain, where one of the nurses was busy applying some strapping. Then, "Ow!"

"Shut up, Doctor Jackson," Janet ordered without shifting her glare from her three victims. "These training exercises were specifically designed to minimize casualties, Colonel. Under the circumstances, I would like to know how Daniel ended up in my infirmary with a broken nose, three cracked ribs, and a sprained ankle."

"Well." Jack, still dressed in a tacky scarlet robe with gold filigree, cleared his throat. "Well," he said again, then stopped.

Janet waited, foot starting to tap, but Jack seemed to have run out of words.

"It was supposed to be a foothold situation," Sam offered. "Daniel was one of the hostages, like me."

"Hostages," Janet repeated, the word dripping with skepticism. "I take it that no one told the trainees that hostages aren't supposed to be shot?"

"Part of the scenario included the hostages themselves proving to be a threat," Teal'c clarified hastily. The clanking of his armor as he shifted minutely betrayed his discomfort at the doctor's displeasure. "The trainees were told that the hostages must be neutralized as well as the enemy."

"Neutralized." Janet's eyebrows rose. "By shooting them?"

Jack waved a hand, still encased in a fake ribbon device. "Look, the trainees need to be flexible about what they're told, even if it seems far-fetched."

"Far-fetched is par for the course around here," Janet agreed, her voice just a little too mild.

Another muffled "Ow!" from behind the curtain made the threesome cringe as Janet's eyes narrowed that much further.

"We told the trainees that the Goa'uld had a new kind of ribbon device that allowed them to read their prisoners' conscious minds," Sam blurted in a rush. "So they thought that the Goa'uld, er, the colonel would be able to get crucial information from Daniel and me if we weren't taken out of the equation as quickly as possible. And since the Goa'uld was behind an energy shield, and couldn't be attacked..."

"You're teaching young recruits to kill people instead of rescuing them?"

"Not kill, Doc! Just -- incapacitate." Jack tried his most winning smile. "They were supposed to knock Daniel and Carter out so that the Big Bad couldn't eat their brains."

"I thought you were a Goa'uld, Colonel. Not a zombie."

"Zombies, Goa'ulds -- what's the difference?"

Janet took a deep breath, but Teal'c quickly spoke before she could fully explode. "The trainees encountered us at the top of a flight of stairs, Doctor Frasier. I fear that their enthusiasm to succeed allowed them to disregard the risk of a firefight in such a location."

"They shot Daniel and he fell down the stairs?" Janet blinked, then frowned. "That would account for some of his injuries, yes. But does not explain why everyone seems to feel that you three are responsible!"

"Ah. Well." Jack coughed. "We, uh, realized that Daniel was going to fall, you see, and we tried to stop it."

"And that's a problem because...?"

"Because we all tried to stop it at once, Janet," Sam admitted, sighing.

"They could've just not shot me," complained Daniel from his infirmary bed.

"As far as we can reconstruct, Doctor," Teal'c said gravely, "I was reaching for Daniel Jackson's shoulder just as Major Carter tried to grasp his jacket. Her hand inadvertently redirected my aim towards Daniel Jackson's face."

"And I might've knocked into Daniel's foot when I moved to grab hold of him," Jack mumbled. "In the confusion, I mean."

"But it wouldn't have been so bad if we'd --"

"It was most unfortunate that --"

"It's not like we wanted to --"

"Quiet! All of you!" The sheer volume of Janet's voice shocked them all into silence, broken only by a very small "Ow!" from the direction of the bed behind the curtain.

"Let me get this straight," Janet said at last, piecing the story together. "Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c were holding Major Carter and Doctor Jackson prisoner. You were ambushed at the top of a flight of stairs and Doctor Jackson was shot by one of the recruits. And in your efforts to stop him from falling down the stairs, Teal'c broke his nose, the colonel kicked him in the ankle, and Major Carter actually shoved him off the landing?"

"Uh... yes."

"Indeed."

"That about sums it up, Doc."

"Getting shot by an intar isn't all that fun, either," Daniel grumbled.

Janet slowly rubbed her hand across her face. "Well," she finally sighed, "I hope you've all learned to be more careful in the future."

"And no more getting shot!" Daniel called.

The colonel, sensing Janet's reluctant acceptance of the situation, quickly slipped past her and poked his head through the curtain. "How about just getting taken prisoner next time?"

"How about something that doesn't involve stairs?" Daniel snorted, then winced.

"How about both?" Sam suggested, following the colonel to Daniel's bedside. "I'm really sorry about this, Daniel."

"As am I, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c agreed, joining the rest of his team.

"I owe you a punch in the nose," Daniel warned him, squinting through the two black eyes that were rapidly forming. "But I forgive you." He tried to smile, and winced again. "I think I do, anyway," he added.

"Oh, like you've never --"

As SG-1 amiably bickered and argued, Janet faded into the background and slipped quietly into her private office. She carefully closed and locked the door, sat at her desk, and laughed until she had to wipe tears from her eyes. The Keystone Kops, bravely defending the planet! She couldn't wait to tell this one to Cassie -- and in wicked, loving detail.

Daniel knew he shouldn't be doing this. The trigger was right there. All he had to do was rise to his feet and press the ordinary-looking sigil that was set in the exact center of the wall. Technically, he was just wasting time...

He blew gently against the wall, dislodging dust.

He could've opened the door three hours ago. After all, it had taken less than a minute to decipher the sharply chiseled runes that clearly stated, "PRESS HERE." Yet here he was, sitting cross legged on the dusty ground and running careful fingers along the wall, translating a text that had absolutely nothing to do with the items stored inside the ancient chamber.

It actually seemed to be a list of playground rules, which lent credence to his theory that the crystals stored in the chamber were leftover school supplies for the educational institution that had been on this planet millennia ago. Anthropologically, it was a fascinating glimpse at a culture long vanished. Daniel found himself reveling in the rare pleasure of the luxury of translation done for its own sake, without the fate of the world hanging in the balance.

Good thing no one else knew that, or Jack wouldn't just be sighing loudly with impatience - he'd be half-strangling Daniel in a headlock and yelling at Sam to set the C4.

No, he really shouldn't be doing this. He should stand and press the sigil so the team could enter the chamber, help themselves to the stockpile of crystals so helpfully itemized on the tablet he'd found abandoned near the DHD, and head back to the Stargate with an easy mission accomplished.

Yes. He should stand up right now, press that sigil, and...

Daniel leaned a little closer and traced a particularly complicated symbol, murmuring under his breath as he mentally compared it with the other ideograms he'd deciphered.

Behind him, Jack cleared his throat theatrically. "How long till sunset, Carter?" he asked.

"About two hours, sir." Sam's voice sounded a little tired. "Five minutes less than the last time you asked. Sir."

Daniel ignored them both and moved on to the next section.

He shouldn't be doing this. It wasn't fair to the rest of the team, who had nothing to do but sit and wait around while he indulged in a few hours of purely academic study. It was selfish. It was childish. It was...

He remembered the mission to P4X-031, where Jack had insisted they play an impromptu game of hockey in the abandoned Mayan temple instead of letting Daniel do any proper research.

He thought back to P3X-114, where he'd faithfully played sidekick to Sam while she examined an abandoned Goa'uld facility, until time ran out and Jack abruptly herded them back to the Stargate. Despite all his protests, Daniel never did get the chance to investigate the ruins he'd seen on the next hill.

He deserved this!

This was one of the planets they'd found via Jack's Ancient program, not the Abydos cartouche. There was no danger of ambush from Jaffa here. There couldn't possibly be any harm in taking a few extra minutes...

Teal'c, sitting directly behind him, suddenly shifted. He'd been in kel no reem all this time, which was why Daniel hadn't felt particularly guilty about the delay. But now Daniel glanced over his shoulder and found Teal'c eyeing him with that steady, calm gaze that said, I am looking right through you, Daniel Jackson, and I know precisely what you are doing.

Teal'c held his stare for a long moment, then very deliberately looked upwards at the inconspicuous sigil. His eyebrow rose just a fraction.

Daniel scrambled to his feet, dusting off his hands. "Well!" he said brightly. "I think I've got it now. If I'm right, we just have to--"

"Allow me, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c suggested. Reaching up, he pressed the sigil firmly. Dust fell in clouds as the door rumbled sideways, revealing a dark chamber within.

"Finally!" Jack grumbled. He strode forward, hefting his rifle so he could use the light to sweep the chamber for any dangers. Sam followed at his heels, eager to examine the treasure trove and determine how many of the crystals could be salvaged for use back at the SGC.

Daniel and Teal'c, left standing at the entrance, looked at one another wordlessly. After a long moment, Daniel stuffed his hands into his pockets and gave a little cough.

"So."

Teal'c raised an eyebrow again.

"Ah, how long...?"

"I have learned much from you, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c answered obliquely. He nodded at the sigil and then at the "PRESS HERE" symbols.

"So you knew all along."

There was the tiniest of twitches at the side of Teal'c's mouth as he bowed his head in gracious assent.

Daniel rocked on his heels. Drew his brows together. Took his hands out of his pockets to adjust his boonie and brush a little more dirt off his BDUs.

Finally, he asked, "So why didn't --"

"Carter!"

"Sir! We can't just leave this behind! It won't take that long to determine which ones are in the best condition. There are dozens of different applications. I need to examine these closely to see which ones have the best configuration for the--"

"Carter, I did not just spend three hours waiting for Daniel so I could spend another three hours waiting for you!"

"It won't take that long, sir. I'll just -- no, Colonel, don't touch that!"

A yelp. The sound of breaking crystal. Sam's voice, raised in frustration and throttled with the need not to yell at her superior officer. Jack, sounding a bit muffled now, and complaining about... paper cuts?

Teal'c glanced inside, then turned back to Daniel and repeated, "I have learned much from you, Daniel Jackson."

"Oh." Daniel felt his lips twitch into a grin and saw the answering gleam in Teal'c's eyes. "In that case, let's go get them out of there. And how about Moroccan tonight? On me?"

"That would be most satisfactory," Teal'c agreed, and the two of them walked into the chamber together.

The table in the otherwise deserted commissary was set for three, with bowls, spoons, glasses, and a pitcher of water. Sam, Jack, and Daniel sat looking at each other with uneasy anticipation. Teal'c had insisted that they join him to observe a traditional Chulakian holiday, but the early hours of the morning didn't mesh with the formal clothing he'd asked them to wear or the discomfiting smells coming from the kitchens.

"Do you know what this is about, Daniel?" Sam yawned.

Daniel blinked and shrugged. "I know as much as the two of you."

"Which is nothing," Jack added gloomily.

"No, I meant culturally," Sam said. "What are Chulakian holidays like?"

"They probably involve edged weapons," Jack snorted. He was leaning back against the wall, chair propped precariously on two legs. "I'm surprised we're not supposed to personally hunt and kill whatever it is Teal'c is cooking in there."

"Maybe Teal'c did," Daniel suggested cheerfully, a certain glint in his eyes.

Jack wadded up a napkin and amiably bounced it off Daniel's forehead.

Sam, shifting uncomfortably in her stiff dress blues, drummed her fingers on the table. "Three a.m. isn't really my ideal time for a snack, though."

"Now, Sam," Daniel chided. "How bad it can be?"

Jack rolled his eyes at such naive optimism. "This is Teal'c, Daniel!"

"Okay, yes, it can be bad," he conceded. "But we'll just have a ceremonial mouthful of whatever it is and..."

His voice trailed off as the doors to the kitchen swung open and Teal'c emerged. Like them, he was dressed in his most formal clothing. They couldn't help but wrinkle their noses at the pungent smell of the steam wafting from the large platter he carried on a tray.

"O'Neill. Major Carter. Daniel Jackson." Teal'c nodded gravely at each of them in turn. "I am honored to have you join me in this celebration."

As Teal'c ceremoniously placed the tray in the middle of the table, Jack thumped his chair back into place and frowned at the contents of the platter. It seemed to be an indeterminate mass -- or possibly mess -- of identifiable chunks of brown and gray, with a few bits of lurid yellow.

"It, uh." Sam forced a smile. "It looks really interesting, Teal'c."

Teal'c lifted a ladle with an air of ritual, then formally served each person a generous portion of the stuff. "On this day," he announced solemnly, "we gather not just as friends, but as family of the spirit. The fad'gu'i marks the battle of our lives and represents our determination to always pursue victory."

Then he sat down, folded his hands on the table, and waited for them to eat.

"Fad'gu'i," Daniel stalled as he stared at the unappetizing gunk. "I don't recognize the word, Teal'c."

"It is of ancient origin, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said. "A recipe handed from one generation to the next. I was forced to substitute various Earth condiments to ensure that it would not be poisonous, but I trust that the flavor will not be adversely affected."

Jack picked up his spoon and prodded the fad'gu'i with a dubious air. "Not poisonous, you say? That's not exactly the same thing as appetizing."

Teal'c's expression did not change, yet he somehow looked hurt. "Are you refusing to join me in my observation of this custom, O'Neill?"

"Oh, no."

"Of course not, Teal'c."

"We'll be glad to try this. Definitely."

They simultaneously lifted their spoons, eyed one another, and sampled the fad'gu'i.

Identical looks of horror crossed three faces at once, and they all dived for the water. The frantic wrestling for the pitcher left Jack with water stains on his jacket and Daniel with spattered glasses. Sam prudently bolted for the kitchen and an entire faucet's worth of liquid to drown out the taste. Throughout the choking gasps and frantic gulps, Teal'c sat unmoving, his face completely still.

Sam came back a few minutes later with a forced pleasant expression and sat down again. Daniel was still guzzling water.

Jack chased his spoonful of yuck with a last healthy swallow, then set the glass down with a thump. "I can't help but notice, Teal'c, that you're not actually eating any of this stuff yourself."

"I regret, O'Neill, that I cannot. It is the custom for the host to present the fad'gu'i to his guests, but he must refrain from eating any of the delicacy himself."

Daniel narrowed his eyes. "You know, Teal'c, you never actually told us the name of this special day we're observing with this very... unique dish."

"That is correct, Daniel Jackson." Teal'c gave him a gracious nod. "I did not."

They all waited.

"Well?" Jack finally pressed. "What's it called?"

Teal'c reached for the steaming platter and added another dollop to Jack's plate, then sat back. "It is the Day of Shu'fer'ki, O'Neill."

Daniel suddenly choked and spluttered, reaching blindly for his napkin. Sam and Jack looked at him, then turned suspicious gazes on Teal'c.

"The Day of Shu'fer'ki?" Daniel finally managed to gasp.

"Indeed, Daniel Jackson." Teal'c arched an eyebrow at him. "In fact, I believe you have a similar day of observance here on Earth."

Sam pushed her chair back from the table. "All right, Daniel, give. You recognize the name, don't you?"

Still coughing, Daniel flapped a hand. "Not a name," he gasped. "Translation."

Teal'c raised both brows this time, and allowed a tiny twitch at the right corner of his mouth. "I regret that the calendars on Earth and on Chulak do not coincide," he said, his voice smooth and almost purring.

Jack dropped his spoon onto his plate, where it landed with a slightly squishy thump. "Bet there's no April either, huh, Teal'c?'

"There is not." With the perfectly straight face that meant that he was actually laughing at them, Teal'c rose to his feet. "There is, however, the month of Mekhir." He nodded at them and headed for the commissary doors, moving with impressive haste.

"April Fool's!" Sam groaned. "He made us get all dressed up at three o'clock in the morning so he could give us this disgusting--"

Jack snatched up his spoon again and tried to lob fad'gu'i goo in Teal'c's direction, but the Jaffa was already out of range. The loathsome stuff splattered on the floor instead.

"I'm going to get him for this," he promised savagely.

Daniel snorted. "Like you got him for the last time?"

Grinning despite the lingering taste in her mouth, Sam added, "And the time before that, sir?"

"And let's not forget the time when he --"

"All right! I get it." Jack crossed his arms sulkily. "I'll just add it to the list. I'll get him one of these days, and then it'll be payback for everything."

Sam and Daniel chose not to argue, but the rueful looks they exchanged clearly said, Yeah, right.