The Corners of My Mind
by Bastet
Summary: Sometimes dangers to the mind are worse than dangers to the body. Sam needs help dealing with a harrowing ordeal.
Category: Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Season: any Season
Pairing(s): Jack/Sam
Rating: 13+
Content: sexual situations
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 04/08/04
"Go! Go! Go!" Jack yelled at Teal'c as staff fire blazed past his ducking head. He huddled behind the rocky hillside as the big Jaffa moved quickly towards the stargate, the still form of Samantha Carter slung over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Jack rose and laid down cover fire as Teal'c quickly dialed the coordinates and glanced quickly back over his shoulder, then disappeared through the shimmering surface of the even horizon.
Jack emptied the clip of his P-90 into the nearest of the pursuing Jaffa and made a run for the gate. Energy bolts lit the corners of his eyes as he dodged the enemy fire, finally making it to the gate and hurling himself through.
He tumbled roughly down the ramp, feeling the jolts painfully in his limbs and joints. "Close the iris! Lock it up!" He heard the reassuring sound of the titanium shield whirring closed, followed by several impact events. As usual, he felt no sympathy for the Jaffa that had tried to follow.
General Hammond stood at the base of the ramp, watching with concern as the colonel gingerly picked himself up and glanced around the room. "Teal'c already took Major Carter to the infirmary, Colonel. Are you all right?" Jack sighed and walked painfully down the ramp.
"I'm fine, sir. Carter?" Hammond shook his head uncertainly.
"We'll have to wait until Doctor Fraiser can examine her. She was conscious, but..." Jack nodded his head, closing his eyes briefly.
"I know, sir. Permission to go to the infirmary?" Hammond nodded sharply, and Jack hurried from the room.
*****
He sat silently in a cold folding chair outside the base infirmary, head bowed and elbows resting on his knees. God he was tired. The extraction of Carter had been a harrowing ordeal. Security had been much tighter than anticipated, and the nice neat surgical strike he'd planned with Teal'c had turned into a running firefight all the way to the gate. He rubbed his face with both hands, then looked up sharply as Teal'c came around the corner, his face inscrutable.
Jack leaned back in his chair and looked up at the big man. "Any word?" Teal'c shook his head.
"Doctor Fraiser is examining Major Carter. She is...not responsive." Jack closed his eyes tiredly. Not responsive. That was an understatement. From the time they'd located her, she'd acted as if she didn't even know who they were, or why they were there. She'd refused to assist in her own escape, finally frustrating the two men to the point of virtually forcing her back to the SGC.
Teal'c watched his friend with concern. Jack had been pushing himself mercilessly for the past two months, trying to locate his missing teammate. Dead end after dead end, he had begged, threatened and cajoled every ally they had made to help them find her. When word had been received from the Tok'ra that there was reliable information placing her at Ba'al's newest facility, Jack's concern for Sam turned quickly to horror at the memory of his own encounter with the system lord, and the torture he had endured at his hands. Teal'c was convinced that if Hammond had not acted as quickly as he had, O'Neill would have gone after her himself, alone.
He watched his friend now, seeing once again the lines of exhaustion etched deep into his features, and the pallid hue of his skin. Teal'c knew of the colonel's feelings for Carter, but was again surprised at the deterioration he had seen in his friend since her disappearance. He wondered if even O'Neill understood how deep those feelings went. He bent slightly and placed a reassuring hand on Jack's shoulder.
"O'Neill. Doctor Fraiser will take good care of Major Carter. You should rest." Jack looked up in surprise at the uncharacteristic solicitation. Did he look that bad? Yeah, he admitted. He probably did. He nodded reluctantly, and stood, sparing a last lingering look towards the infirmary door before trudging slowly down the corridor.
*****
Jack stared absently at the polished top of the conference table, his pen tapping an unsteady rhythm on the legal pad in front of him. He'd been listening to the doctor drone on in indecipherable medical terminology for a good twenty minutes. What it all boiled down to was that after two days, Sam had finally just begun to acknowledge the presence of those around her. She had yet to speak, but her responses were becoming more normal, and after intensive nutritional therapy, her pallor and vital signs were greatly improved.
"I can't say what's causing her reclusive behavior, but it doesn't appear to be a medical problem, General." She shook her head in frustration, closing the file in front of her as Hammond frowned at her lack of resolution. "If there's no improvement in the next few days, we may need to call out a clinical psychologist or therapist for help." Hammond was nodding before she completed her sentence.
"Keep me informed of her progress, Doctor. If it comes to that, I'll arrange for anyone you need to help." Janet nodded her thanks and looked at Jack and Teal'c.
"I appreciate all the time both of you have spent with Sam." She said. "Especially with Daniel out on Kelowna. I know he'd be here if he could..." She trailed off, then continued. "What Sam needs most right now is the presence of the people who care about her. And some time."
Hammond tapped the table top with one finger as he digested her words. "Doctor, is there any indication of what happened to her? You said you could find nothing medically wrong with her..." Janet shook her head.
"Aside from general exhaustion and malnutrition, she doesn't seem to be have been injured, or harmed in any way, sir. Of course," She glanced quickly at Jack. "After the colonel's experience with Ba'al, there were no physical manifestations of his ordeal, either, thanks to the use of the sarcophagus. With the exception of the withdrawal symptoms, that is." She didn't miss the grimace that briefly crossed the colonel's face, but continued.
"The truth is, we may never know what happened. The important thing is that she deal with it, and that may be the problem. Sam's very stubborn, and I've rarely known her to admit to weakness. I'm afraid she may try to bury it, thinking that it will just ... go away. We'll know more in the next few days, but in the meantime, she needs all the support she can get."
*****
Sam lay propped up against the head of the infirmary cot, and glanced up briefly as Jack pulled a stool close to her bedside and seated himself. "Hey Carter." He smiled tiredly at her, receiving no response. They'd already been through this routine repeatedly. It was the third time before she'd even bothered to look up. "How are you doing today? Causing any trouble?"
She looked at him, and for the first time he saw a tiny spark in her eyes. He held her gaze for a moment, before he realized he was also holding his breath. He released it, and leaned close, whispering conspiratorially in her ear. "You know, you're making Fraiser look bad." He sat back and jerked his head in the direction of the doctor's office. Sam's eyes followed his gesture, and he was encouraged by her response. He searched her face, her eyes, for the light that he'd come to take for granted. The quick smile, the easy laugh, were gone, replaced by a blank expression and a look in her eyes that was almost haunted.
"I'm not going away, Carter. You think your not talking bothers me?" He shrugged. "I never understand what you're saying anyway." The corners of her mouth lifted slightly at that, and he smiled in return. Slowly, very slowly, she reached out a hand and touched him gently on the arm, almost as if she was reassuring herself of his presence. He sat motionless, frowning in concern at her hesitation, then placed his hand over hers, pressing gently.
"I'm here, Sam." He said quietly. "It's going to be all right." She closed her eyes and leaned her head back, and a single tear slipped between her tightly closed lids and ran slowly down her cheek. Instinctively he reached out and brushed it off with his thumb, his palm resting against the side of her face. He'd never seen her cry before.
He murmured softly to her, telling her about their search, how so many had worked so hard to get her home, how Daniel had almost thrown a tantrum when he was ordered to play diplomat to a bunch of squabbling politicians on Kelowna, an assignment that had required his extended absence from the SGC. He spoke of nothing, and everything, just trying to keep her with him.
She seemed to be listening, and he even thought he caught the ghost of a smile when he told her about Daniel's theatrics at being exiled during the search. Janet left them alone for as long as she could; it looked like he was making progress. But after two hours, she called time and reminded him that her patient needed her rest.
"Okay, kiddo. Looks like I'm being evicted." He reached down and squeezed her hand, relieved to feel the answering pressure from her fingers. She tightened her grip as he started to turn, reluctant to let go. He turned back towards her, surprise and puzzlement written on his face, and looked at her expectantly. She raised her eyes to his and behind the blankness he could see a hint of the brightness he was so used to. He sank back down onto the metal stool, searching her face, and she spoke.
"Thank you." She whispered softly, and he smiled in genuine relief, seeing the emotion mirrored in Janet's face as well.
"Anytime."
*****
Sam's condition improved steadily after that, and after a week Janet declared her ready to leave the infirmary, if not for active duty. She was still concerned about her friend. Sam had started to act like her old self in most respects, but there was an aloofness, an isolation about her that was uncharacteristic. One too many times Janet had come across her sitting alone, staring into space with a blank expression that worried her. She was losing weight, and at the end of the week looked like she hadn't slept at all. She knew she had been avoiding her colleagues, burying herself in her lab and working until all hours of the night.
By the end of the second week, she couldn't deny it any longer. Sam had stoutly refused to discuss her experiences during the two months of her captivity, even when threatened with a full psychological examination. But something was eating away at her, and Janet was determined to get to the bottom of it, one way or another.
*****
She looked up briefly as Jack sauntered into the conference room, his hands stuffed in the pockets of his pants. His questioning look was answered by Hammond.
"Sit down, Colonel. Dr. Fraiser was just updating me on Major Carter's progress." He looked pointedly at Janet. "Or rather, lack thereof." Jack narrowed his eyes and took the vacant chair across from the doctor, who returned her attention to the open medical file on the table.
"I wish I had better news, General." She began. "But the truth is, I'm worried." She closed the file and fingered it nervously. "Sam's not eating. I'm pretty sure she's not sleeping, and she's closed herself off from the people who are closest to her." A glance at the colonel. "She's spending all her time in her lab; I'm not sure when she was home last. It's like she's trying to drown herself in work. It's not healthy."
Hammond studied the polished top of the table for a moment before responding. "I understand Major Carter's been through a very trying ordeal." Janet interrupted him.
"That she still refuses to talk about." Hammond nodded in agreement, but continued.
"Maybe she just needs some more time, Doctor. Maybe this is her way of coping. Of...getting things back to normal." Janet was shaking her head before the general had completed his thought.
"With all due respect, sir, I don't think so. I don't think she's coping at all. I think she's sublimating what she's feeling, hoping it will just eventually go away." Jack leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest.
"Maybe it will." Janet looked over at him, then dropped her eyes back to her file, weighing her next words very carefully.
"Colonel, there's no precedent for the types of hazards experienced by an SG team. Just look at the past few years, what she's been through. Individually, her experiences have been bizarre enough, but cumulatively... I'm just afraid that this may have been too much. Even for her." She paused briefly. "That's the reason I wanted you here for this." He tilted his head and looked at her quizzically. "You're probably the only person who could understand what Sam's been through. Your experience with Ba'al makes you eminently qualified." Jack's eyes hardened at the comment, his defenses rising automatically as the memory of his encounter surged to the surface of his mind. He was saved a response by a frustrated Hammond.
"Doctor, as of now we don't know what Major Carter's been through. As far as I know, she's even refused to discuss the matter with Doctor Mackenzie. How can we possibly begin to address an issue she refuses to disclose?" Janet sighed and briefly closed her eyes. How could she explain something that was so clear to her on an instinctual level, and yet had so little tangible proof?
"I understand what you're saying, General. But you have to trust me on this. Sam's in trouble, and if we don't do something about it, this...thing...could end up buried in her subconscious for the rest of her life, having God only knows what long term effects" She looked at the general imploringly as he pondered her words, his brow furrowed in thoughtfulness and concern. Jack sat silently, watching Hammond. Finally the general sighed and shook his head, raising his hands in futility.
"Well, Doctor, what do you suggest?" Janet took a deep breath. The first battle had been won, but that was nothing compared to what was coming next. She glanced uncomfortably at O'Neill, who was watching her, his face impassive.
"I recommend she leave the base, sir." She continued before either man could interrupt. "She needs to confront this, and as long as she has the excuse of work to occupy her mind, she's not going to." Hammond nodded his head in acquiescence.
"All right, Doctor. As of now, consider Major Carter on an extended leave." Janet nodded once, then took a deep breath and forged ahead.
"Thank you sir, but I don't think that will be enough." Hammond shook his head in confusion, and out of the corner of her eye Janet saw Jack close his eyes and rub at his forehead with one hand. Somehow, he knew what was coming. "Yes, she needs to be off base and away from work. But she also shouldn't be alone." Jack groaned audibly.
"Ah, here it comes." He muttered, his hand dropping to the arm of his chair as he shook his head.
"Colonel, I know this may sound ... unconventional, but the truth is you are the best person to help Sam. Daniel is stuck off world, and God only knows where her father is. I asked you here not only because you're her commanding officer, but because you're her friend. And you're the only one who has even a chance of understanding what she's dealing with." He bent his head and shaded his eyes with one hand as she forged ahead.
"Colonel, you were the first person she really responded to after her return, and I know she trusts you implicitly. That's not something that's easy for her." Jack leaned forward, his elbows on the table, then stood slowly and moved to the window wall overlooking the gate room. He braced one hand on the concrete pillar at the corner and stared silently through the glass, as the silence behind him grew more and more expectant.
He was worried about Carter, yes. He'd noticed that she barely spoke to any of them anymore, and Janet was right about her secluding herself in her lab. He was worried. But what could he do? He told himself that if she wanted to talk, she could find him. And if she didn't want to talk, who was he to press? God knew there were enough demons in his psyche that didn't merit conversation. Sometimes it was better not to talk about it. The truth was, he'd never really disclosed the details of his encounter with Ba'al, to anyone. And he was just fine. Wasn't he?
Janet silently watched the colonel's back, noting the tense set of his shoulders as he considered her veiled request. Hammond was silent, feeling intuitively that there were undercurrents here that were better off unexplored. Janet bit her lower lip in frustration, knowing the difficult position she was imposing on the colonel, but having no better options. Finally, his shoulders relaxed and he turned, a distant look clouding his brown eyes.
"Okay, Doc. Whatever you think is best. I just want to help Carter." For the first time that afternoon, Janet allowed herself to relax, a deep sigh escaping her.
"Thank you, sir."
"She's not going to be happy about it." Jack warned, crossing his arms over his chest. Janet shook her head in agreement.
"No, she's not. But at this point I really don't care." Jack gave her a small, ironic smile that barely touched his lips as he brushed past her on his way to the door.
"Good. You tell her."
*****
"You want me to what?" Sam exclaimed angrily at Janet, who stood resolutely beside General Hammond's desk. Angry blue eyes clashed with determined brown ones as the two women squared off. Sam propped her fists on her hips and stared at her physician.
"Sam, listen to me." Janet began. Her voice was calm and even as she tried to placate her friend and colleague. "You've been through a very trying ordeal, and you need some time off." She could see the muscles in Sam's jaw clench as she shook her head in disbelief and crossed her arms over her chest. The body language was unmistakable as she shifted her weight back onto her heels and stared defiantly at the wall. Janet took advantage of her silence and continued in a softer tone.
"Sam." Her friend refused to look at her. "I can't even begin to understand what you're dealing with right now. But I do know that burying yourself here is not the answer. It's not going to go away. I don't know what else to do." The plaintive note in her voice registered with Sam, who raised her eyes, softening when she saw the genuine concern on Janet's face. General Hammond interjected.
"Major Carter. You are a very valuable part of this operation, you know that. But everyone needs a little down time every now and then." Sam's anger once again bubbled to the surface as she turned to the general.
"So you're ordering me to...to..." She glanced at O'Neill, who had taken up a position leaning on the edge of the door and had watched silently, arms crossed and eyes narrowed.. He watched her with impassive features, her response setting off warning bells in his head. She turned toward him and narrowed her eyes suspiciously, her quick mind calculating the variables of the situation.
"And you agreed with this?" She demanded, omitting the obligatory and habitual `sir'. If anyone noticed the breach of protocol, they were not willing to call her on it. Jack wrinkled his face and squinted at her, then dropped his eyes, silent. Sam shook her head in disgust. "So, you don't want to do it, I don't want to do it..." She turned back to Hammond as he rose from his chair behind his desk, his face clouding over as his patience ran out. He braced his arms on the desk and leaned forward, his expression brooking no argument.
"Major Carter! You are bordering on insubordination. This decision has been made in the best interests of this facility and this command, and be very clear, it has been made. You are hereby ordered to accompany Colonel O'Neill to your home, where you will pack your bags. You are then not to return to this base until you've sorted through this thing once and for all. Are my orders understood, Major?"
Sam's face flushed red at the effort of holding her tongue in check as she stared defiantly at Hammond, her entire body as tense as a tightly coiled spring. Janet was silent, shocked at her friend's behavior toward both her commanding officers. Sam's blue eyes turned to ice as she snapped her shoulders back and stood at attention. "Understood. Sir. Am I dismissed? Sir?" Hammond nodded wearily, and Sam turned smartly on her heel and swept from the room, sparing not a glance at the colonel, who closed his eyes tiredly and dipped his head in resignation. After a moment, he looked up at Janet, a bitter smile curving the lines of his mouth.
"Oh yeah." He muttered, pushing off from the jamb and turning toward the door. "This is going to be fun."
*****
Jack turned the F250 off Highway 90 and onto a smaller, less traveled side road as they crossed the border into Minnesota. He glanced silently at his passenger, who had barely spoken a word since they had departed. Sam sat slumped resignedly next to him, her blond head leaning back against the head rest as she stared out the window at the passing countryside. NPR played softly on the radio, barely impinging on his consciousness as he considered the intricacies of their current situation.
His doubts about the plan were neatly counterbalanced by the concern he felt for his friend. He was definitely uncomfortable with the situation, but if it helped Carter, so be it. No matter what else may be lurking beneath the surface of their convoluted relationship, he was first and foremost her friend, and she needed his help. He would have done no less for Daniel, or Teal'c. He also knew that Janet would not have offered this suggestion lightly, if any other alternatives had been available. She cared too much for Sam to knowingly put her in an uncomfortable position.
After several more silent miles, he pulled the truck off the road onto a dirt path that wound its way through increasing forestation until he came to a halt. Sam raised her head a bit and ventured a look out the front windshield as Jack opened his door and climbed out. A thick chain was suspended several feet from the ground, attached on both sides to squat metal posts set deep in the ground on either side of the narrow path. She watched curiously as he unhooked one end and tossed it to the ground, then slumped back in her seat as he climbed behind the steering wheel and guided the big truck through the makeshift gate.
About a mile further on he slowed again, and she caught a glimpse of a structure through the trees as they pulled up in front of the rustic cabin. Jack disengaged the ignition and sat silently for a moment in the sudden stillness. Sam, glancing surreptitiously at him, was surprised by the anticipation that shone from his brown eyes as he stared at the small house. With an audible sigh, he climbed from the truck and stretched, breathing deeply the clean, fresh air. Leaving her to follow, he pulled the suitcases from the rear and strode up the front steps. After several moments, she sighed and climbed from the truck.
*****
Sam wasn't sure what she expected, but as she gazed around the inside of the small cabin she immediately felt the care and love with which it had been cared for. Consisting basically of one main room, with the kitchen separated by a small bar off to the right, and a door leading to a bath, the cabin was awash with the pale light of the setting sun, the colors warm and earthy. She could see the iridescent blue of the lake through the windows, the fading sunlight glinting off the water. There was no television, no stereo, no phone. Just a weathered old recliner, a futon, and a large double bed set against the far left hand wall, covered with an elaborate quilt whose colors, which may have once been bright, were faded with time and wear. The rough wooden floor was covered here and there with throw rugs. She smiled slightly, the warmth of the place slowly seeping into her psyche, an imperceptible crack in the carefully created facade.
Sam suddenly registered the silence of the room, and turned to find Jack watching her with narrowed eyes, a slight smile turning up the corners of his mouth. Embarrassed at having been caught off guard, she moved to the door and stood for a moment on the front porch, her hands resting on the rough wooden railing. After a moment, curiosity got the better of her and she wandered down the steps and around the corner of the cabin, to find a short dock jutting into the blue-green waters of the lake. She glanced back; no sign of Jack as she stepped out onto the weathered wooden planks. She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around herself, breathing deep the clean, fresh air.
Jack leaned against the window frame, watching Sam from inside the cabin. She looked so lost standing there alone. He wanted desperately to help her, but despite Janet's assertions, had no idea how. He shook his head and turned from the window.
*****
"Now I see why you like it here so much." Jack turned from the fireplace at the sound of her voice. She was standing in the doorway, arms folded across her chest as she watched him cautiously. He turned back to the fireplace and tossed a lit match into the kindling, already feeling a slight chill in the air. He heard her move further into the room and close the door quietly, but didn't turn.
"This is my favorite place." He admitted, absently watching the tiny flames spark to life among the kindling. After a moment he turned. She was staring at him, with a strange look in her wide blue eyes. Doubt, even fear, barely hidden behind a wall of resolute will. It had never been easy for Sam to lower her defenses, but over the years together they'd developed a trusting, affectionate relationship. It was that trust that Janet hoped would help Sam deal with the demons she was wrestling with. Now, watching her watch him, Jack only hoped she was right.
*****
The room was dark, barely lit by the moonlight filtering in through the windows, as Jack listened to Sam tossing restlessly in his bed. He lay quietly on the pulled-out futon, feigning sleep as she thrashed, finally tossing back the heavy quilt and sitting up. He felt her eyes on him for several seconds before she sighed and climbed from the bed.
Sam quietly pulled on her blue jeans underneath her long-sleeved night shirt, eyeing Jack's still form. She padded to the front door in her woolen socks and stepped onto the porch, closing the door quietly behind her. The cold night air washed over her like a balm, and she inhaled deeply, taking the fresh pine-scented air deep into her lungs as she slowly lowered herself to the top step, closing her eyes. Nightmare images danced behind her closed eyelids, feelings and emotions so foreign to her that they seemed to belong to someone else. So engrossed was she in her own thoughts that she didn't hear the door behind her open, and was startled by the voice.
"So." She didn't turn. "When was the last time you had a decent night's sleep?" His voice was soft, concerned, as he came forward and leaned on the railing a few feet from her, studying her face in profile. The solicitous tone of his voice touched a nerve somewhere within her. Damn it! This was the last thing she needed. If they would just leave her alone, she could deal with it. But if she started, if it got out, she felt as if she would drown in the darkness of her memory. At her silence, Jack moved to the steps and sat down next to her.
"It's not going to go away, Carter." He murmured, not looking at her. She closed her eyes in frustration, wishing *he* would just go away. "Your friends are worried about you." He looked down at his clasped hands. "We just want to help." She shot up from the steps as if he'd burned her, and turned angrily, glaring down at him.
"What do you want from me?" She asked, her voice hoarse with the emotions she was bottling up inside her. She was angry and frustrated, her body tense as she faced him. He grabbed the railing and stood suddenly, a surprising anger taking hold of him. Anger at her, for making him feel so helpless, at himself, for not being able to do anything about it, and at the bastard that had done this to her. He stepped forward and grabbed her by the elbows, startling her.
"I want you to talk to me, damn it!" His voice was stark in the cold night air, his breath clouding into a mist between them. Her blue eyes were wide with surprise as she stared up at his face, her jaw going slack. "I want you to stop running away from this and fight back. That's what you used to do, remember? " He shook her slightly, and knew he'd gone too far as he saw her eyes go cold and her jaw clench. She pulled roughly from his grasp and stepped back. Her face was cast in shadows, but the anguish in her voice cut right to his soul.
"What do you want to hear about...Jack?" Her tone was brittle, harsh, the voice of a stranger. "Do you want to hear about the darkness, the pain, the humiliation?" In the moonlight he caught the flash of teeth as she smiled bitterly, her words coming in a rush now, as if a floodgate had opened. "You've been captured before, do you really need to ask?" She laughed, a sharp, painful sound, as her eyes lost their focus and her features wearied. Her voice became distant. "I tried. So hard." A bitter edge crept into her melancholy as her anger turned itself inward. "I just wasn't strong enough. I wasn't good enough." Jack heard the tears in her voice as she raised a hand to her mouth and choked back the sob that escaped. "I tried."
She turned suddenly and stumbled away from him, heading into the dark of the forest. He followed her as she started running, blindly crashing through the growth as she tried vainly to escape the demons that chased her. She heard Jack calling to her, fear in his voice, as she rushed headlong through the growth, feeling the sting of small branches and thorns. Finally, she stumbled, fell hard against the trunk of a tree, and felt the roughened bark slide through her fingers as she sank to the ground.
Within seconds, he found her, slumped over and head hanging down between her shaking shoulders as she braced herself on her arms. He moved quickly to her, kneeling down and pulling her into his arms. She went willingly, too exhausted to protest. Her body shook with great wrenching sobs as she clutched desperately at the front of his t-shirt. Jack felt the sting of his own tears as he held her, rocking her gently, stroking her hair and whispering softly to her.
He had no idea how to deal with her in this context; Carter was always strong, always right, and he suddenly realized how much he counted on her steadiness, even took it for granted. But she was his friend, someone he cared about, and she was in pain. He released his inhibitions and allowed instinct to take over.
Gradually, she quieted, her ragged breath becoming more even and measured as she sagged against him. He felt her shiver in the cold night air and quickly slipped an arm under her knees, cradling her to his chest as he stood and made his way back to the warmth and safety of the cabin.
Sam was silent as he laid her gently in his bed and arranged the quilt around her. He felt her light touch on his arm and looked down into her face, pale against the dark pillowcase. Her eyes were unguarded and red from crying, and she looked exhausted. "Jack." She whispered. "Don't go." He stared down at her, seeing once again in the blue of her eyes the trust and affection he'd come to rely on so much, and something else. Something indefinable. A second of hesitation, and he pulled back the coverlet and climbed in beside her, pulling her close to him and guiding her head to his shoulder. He felt her relax against him, and her breathing slowed as she drifted to sleep. Jack laid his cheek against her soft hair and closed his eyes.
*****
The cabin was full of light as Sam gradually wakened, slowly becoming conscious of the arms wrapped snugly around her, and the comfortable shoulder beneath her head. She felt as if she'd been beaten, physically and emotionally, and was content to lay quietly in the safety of Jack's warm embrace, at least for a few moments. She felt him shift slightly next to her, and opened her eyes, noticing the quality of the light for the first time. She raised her head to find him watching her carefully, concern still showing in his brown eyes as his gaze moved over her tired features. She rubbed her eyes with the knuckles of one hand and squinted up at him. "What time is it?"
"Almost one." She stared at him uncomprehendingly for a moment, his words taking a moment to sink in.
"PM?" He nodded as she struggled up on one elbow and looked down at him in surprise. "Why didn't you wake me?" He gave her a tired smile.
"You needed it." She sat up slowly, feeling the soreness and scrapes that were testimony to her headlong flight of the previous night. She rubbed at her face as she felt Jack move to the edge of the bed and climb out, then head for the bathroom. Slowly Sam swung her legs over the side of the bed and leaned over, her head in her hands. She felt as if every ounce of energy had been drained from her, along with the darkness she'd been fighting for the past two weeks. Gone was the anger, the fear, the bitterness, and in its place was an emptiness that felt like a hole in her soul. She wasn't sure which was worse. She heard the bathroom door open and looked up. Jack was standing in the doorway, watching her, and was relieved to see a small smile curve her lips as she looked tiredly at him.
"So what does a girl have to do to get some breakfast around here?"
*****
Jack leaned back against the kitchen counter, arms crossed over his chest and a cup of coffee held lightly in his hand. He watched Sam as she sat at the bar across from him, poking absently at a plate of scrambled eggs, trying vainly to read what was going on in her mind. After a few moments she seemed to feel his gaze on her and looked up, giving him a watery smile when she noticed his concern.
"See?" She gestured with her fork at the plate of half-eaten eggs. "Eating." He returned her smile, turning slightly to place his coffee cup in the sink.
"Well that's one thing I can cross off my list. Fraiser gave me very explicit directions." He moved around the bar and took the barstool next to her as she returned her attention to her plate, and waited for her to speak. She was silent for several moments, but he was patient. He knew that her ordeal of the previous night was but the beginning of the healing process she would be dealing with. He remembered how he had felt after returning from his encounter with Ba'al, and how part of him had wanted so badly to share it, to have someone understand, and tell him it would be all right. But that part of him had been sublimated for so long he barely recognized it anymore, so he just buried the feelings and moved on. He wanted better for Sam. So he waited.
Finally she spoke, softly, staring into her plate as if it may hold the answers she was looking for. "You know, it's funny. I really thought I was doing okay." She glanced up at him briefly, and gave a small laugh. "I thought that if I just kept moving, kept working, kept.....that it would just go away." Jack leaned his elbows on the bar and looked toward the kitchen window, catching the glint of afternoon sunlight on the water.
"Yeah, I know what you mean."
She continued, almost as if she hadn't heard him. "But it doesn't work that way. I think it's like...having a broken leg. It hurts like hell to set it, but if you don't, it never really gets better." He smiled at her analogy, not surprised that she'd already worked through the logic. He also knew that logic wouldn't help her much at this point.
She put down her fork and rubbed her forehead with the fingers of one hand. She was so tired. Jack noticed the paleness of her face, the slump of her shoulders. Sensing that she didn't want to talk anymore, he touched her gently on the shoulder, and moved into the living area. Deep in his own thoughts, he poked some life from the dying fire, listening to her as she moved around the kitchen.
The rest of the day passed quietly. They sat together on the dock for several hours, speaking of inconsequential things, avoiding any mention of the reason they were there. The anger and hostility of the previous day had been drained from her, and Jack was relieved to find her conversation easy and fairly relaxed. Slowly, he noticed some color returning to her face, and by the end of the day found that she seemed to be smiling a bit more easily at his attempts at humor.
For her part, Sam felt herself relaxing more as each hour passed. She found Jack's presence comforting, reassuring. Their conversations throughout the day moved easily from one subject to the next, and an easy familiarity quickly developed. She was reminded that the colonel was considerably more intelligent than he usually let on, and his conversation was punctuated with a wry sense of humor that had her smiling in spite of herself. He never pressed her about her experience, instead allowing her time to sort through her own feelings. The trust she felt from him warmed her soul, and she appreciated it more than she cared to admit.
Jack felt it too. He'd known Sam for seven years, but had never had a chance to interact with her on this level. Alone, with no formalities, no guidelines, he began to see beyond the facade she showed the world, to see the woman he rarely got to see. Her warmth, her laugh, the way she looked at him out of the corner of her eye when she wasn't sure if he was joking or not. Her presence warmed him, relaxed him, a feeling he hadn't felt in a long time. Even with Sara, there was always a part of him that he held back, that he refused to share. But Sam had seen him at his best and his worst, had saved him, trusted him, been there for him when all else seemed to fade away.
She was part of his life, one of his best friends, and one of the few people he had ever truly allowed himself to care about. As he stood now, watching her curled up on the futon, her head resting on the arm, he allowed himself to admit that there was much more to it than that. Friendship. The word seemed woefully inadequate when it came to her.
The sun had set an hour ago, and the cabin was lit by the dim light of the fire, the flickering flames throwing strange and mysterious shadows around the room. He enjoyed watching her, noticing the way the firelight played across her features, relaxed in sleep. He had a momentary desire to move to her, take her in his arms, protect her. To feel the softness of her body, smell the heady feminine scent of her skin, to feel her against him as he'd imagined so many times in the past. Forbidden ideas that chased themselves in circles around his mind.
He closed his eyes against the images that sprang to mind, pushing them once again into the dark corner of his mind, where they belonged. She stirred slightly and woke, her eyes fluttering open as he moved to kneel beside her.
"Hey Carter." He spoke softly as she struggled to waken. "Thought you were just going to crash here all night." She rubbed her eyes and sat up, glancing toward the inviting expanse of the bed against the wall. Jack pulled the quilt gently from around her and helped her up, herding her toward the bed and tucking her in. On some level she was touched by the tenderness of his actions, but her exhausted mind refused to function as she felt herself drifting off to sleep. Jack watched her for several silent moments, then turned away.
*****
His eyes snapped open, every sense instantly alert to the change in his environment. He sat up as he heard the rustling and turned towards the bed. In the dim light from outside, he could see her tossing, but couldn't tell if she was asleep or awake. He threw the blanket back and padded silently across the room.
She was asleep, her breathing rapid as she moved restlessly. He could barely discern the flickering of her eyes behind closed lids, and knew whatever she was seeing was not pleasant. He sat on the edge of the bed and reached out to touch her arm. "Sam." He whispered. She did not respond. He shook her shoulder and said, louder. "Sam."
She pulled in a quick breath as her eyes snapped open, unfocused and blank. After a brief moment she registered his presence and sat up quickly, her breath leaving her in a sigh of relief. He could feel the warmth of her labored breaths as she struggled to compose herself, and heard the soft sigh of despair as her shoulders slumped. Instinctively he reached for her, folding her in his arms as he would a child, and stroking her hair gently.
He shushed her quietly, feeling her relax against him, her breathing becoming more regular as she took strength from his solid presence. After a moment she pulled away, eyes lowered and head bent. From somewhere deep within her she pulled a wry smile and glanced up at him briefly. "Well, at least I got one good night's sleep." He heard the fear beneath the bravado, and saw the doubt darkening the blue of her eyes. He hesitated for a moment, then stood briefly, reaching down and pulling back the quilt. She moved over slightly as he climbed in next to her, watching him uncertainly.
"Come here." He whispered, holding out an arm. She looked at him for a moment, then moved hesitantly into his embrace, her head finding the comfortable juncture of his neck and shoulder as he wrapped his arms around her and sighed dramatically. "The sacrifices I make for my team." She smiled tiredly, and closed her eyes in surrender as she felt the warmth of his body chase the chill from her soul.
*****
The sun was high when she woke. She lay on her side, slowly becoming aware of his presence behind her. She could feel the heat of his body against her back, the weight of his arm draped over her, and the calloused feel of the hand that gripped hers, tucked under her chin. His breath, warm on the back of her neck, was slow and measured. She moved slightly, and he woke. He raised his head and looked down at her.
"Better?" He asked sleepily. She didn't meet his eyes.
"Yeah, fine. As long as you're here." He heard the frustration in her voice, the impatience at herself for needing him, for needing anyone. He pulled his hand from hers and turned her face toward him, his fingers lingering on the smooth skin of her cheek as his gazed fixed her intently.
"Then I'll be here." She raised her eyes and met his gaze, gauging his words against the resolute set of his features, and finally rewarded him with a small smile. His eyes moved reflexively to the curve of her lips, and she saw his gaze sharpen. A tiny ripple radiated through her at the intensity that crept into his eyes, and the unexpected heat she felt in her veins as she became acutely aware of his closeness. She felt the hardness of his body all along the length of her own, and the tentative touch of his fingers on her cheek. His eyes moved over her features, and he opened his mouth to speak, then hesitated. She could feel his restraint, the struggle within him as he mentally pulled himself back from her, back from a precipice that would lead only to frustration and pain.
He dropped his hand and jerked his head toward the bathroom. "I think I'll, uh..."
"Yeah." She nodded and dropped her eyes from his face as he pulled away, then climbed from the bed.
Sam sat up quickly and threw her legs off the side of the bed, leaning over and holding her head in her hands, feeling the cool wood beneath her feet. That had been too close. Here, so far away, with ranks dropped and all bets off, she was suddenly very conscious of the fact that they'd slept together, in his bed, for the past two nights. Part of her wanted nothing more than to lose herself in him, needed nothing more than his strength and reassurance. She heard the sounds of the shower and rose, dressing quickly. The last thing she needed right now was to replace one problem with another. God, she thought wryly, pretty soon she'd need therapy.
*****
Jack stood under the stinging spray of the shower, hands grasping the cool metal shower head as the warm water ran over his face. He leaned his head back and silently berated himself for his behavior. She had finally started to trust him, to be comfortable with him, and he had repaid her with...lechery. He grimaced as he thought of what had been going through his mind as he had stared down into her wide eyes, as he had felt the softness of her skin beneath his fingers and inhaled the tantalizing scent of her. He cared for her, wanted to help her, but his body betrayed him. The attraction he felt for her was becoming a force that he could no longer deny. Sighing, he closed his eyes and lost himself in the spray.
Slowly throughout the day, the tension of the morning dissipated, replaced by a warmer, if slightly wary, tenor in their interaction. Sam tried her hand at breakfast only to finally, laughingly, admit to Jack's superiority in the kitchen. An hour or so on the dock, and a strenuous hike through the woods surrounding the cabin allowed them time to relax back into a comfortable companionship.
Sam struggled up the last few feet of the rocky hillside, and stood, hands on her hips as she pulled in long deep breaths of the cool mountain air. She heard Jack scramble up behind her, but did not turn, instead casting about for a suitable place to rest. As Jack paused to catch his breath, she moved towards a large mottled tree trunk and settled down on the rugged ground, leaning back and resting her arms on her knees. He seated himself next to her, closing his eyes and breathing deeply. They sat in silence for several moments, each lost in their own thoughts, until he looked over at her, and took a chance.
"So. You want to talk about it?" She opened her eyes, head still pressed against the rough-hewn bark. Her lips parted as she considered, then she sighed.
"It's...hard to describe." She began, her eyes distant, her gaze fixed on a memory. "You remember Ne'tu? The hallucinations?" She saw his nod out of the corner of her eye, and continued. "It was like that, only instead of memories, it was more like any random thought I'd have would suddenly turn into some kind of ... false reality. I don't know what it was, some sort of drug, an injection. I tried to fight them off, but I wasn't strong enough. The...visions...they were so real. You were there, and Daniel, Teal'c, my dad, even Jonas and General Hammond. It was almost like dreaming, but it was so...real." She was struggling for words as Jack listened silently.
"I'd be at the SGC, or one of the planets we've visited, or at home, or in my car, or...anywhere. Then I'd be back in my cell. I had no idea how much time had passed or what had happened in the meantime. I really *felt* like I'd *been* there." He heard the conviction in her voice and suffered the image of her, alone and frightened, with nothing to hold onto Having her mind, her greatest weapon, turned against her.
"And every time I came back it was harder to accept, harder to deal with the reality. After a while I couldn't even tell what was real. It was like I had no reference, reality was whatever it seemed to be at the time. I think that must be how it feels to be insane." She paused and sighed, her eyes closing tiredly as she recalled her struggle for sanity. "I kept...bouncing back and forth, never knowing what was real and what was illusion. At least on Ne'tu there were inconsistencies in the visions, telltale signs that something wasn't right. But this time..." She paused, and he waited.
"At first, they asked me questions." She shook her head quickly, and rephrased. "But it wasn't them, or at least it didn't seem to be. It was you, and the others, asking me about the SGC, our defenses, our codes, everything, just like on Ne'tu. I couldn't figure out why you'd be asking me, so I just never answered. After a while I just stopped talking to any of you. After that I think it was just...punishment. Like it was some kind of game. When you and Teal'c came for me, I didn't believe it was really happening. I thought you were just another figment of my imagination."
Jack nodded his head, remembering her bizarre reaction to their rescue. Everything seemed to make sense now. She had believed them to be products of her mind, a mind so torn between fact and fiction that he was surprised she'd recovered as well as she had. He remembered his own struggle for sanity at the hands of the sadistic system lord, and wondered if he'd have been able to hold on if it hadn't been for Daniel. Carter hadn't even had that. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back. Two months. Two months fighting to retain some hold on an elusive reality while her mind betrayed her at every turn.
"I don't know how many nights I've spent waiting to wake up back in that damn cell." She continued, and gestured vaguely at their tranquil surroundings. "Sometimes I feel like I'll never be sure all this isn't some drug-induced fantasy."
Jack reached over and took her hand in his, his voice hoarse with the power of his conviction. "This is real, Carter. I swear." She turned her head and smiled sadly at him, the uncertainty in her eyes cutting right to his heart.
"You don't understand. This..." She held up their clasped hands and tightened her fingers on his. "Doesn't feel any more real than any of it did." She pulled her hand from his and placed it in her lap, shaking her head slightly. "I don't know how else to explain it." Her voice was soft, almost tearful in her need to make him understand. Jack hesitated, weighing his words carefully, then spoke.
"I don't think anyone will every really understand." She turned towards him, surprised. "What you've been through...it's so far beyond most people's ability to comprehend. And I'd be lying if I told you I didn't think you'd be carrying the scars for the rest of your life, because you will." She stared at him in silence. This wasn't the response she'd been expecting.
"But, the experiences we have in our lives, both good and bad, are what make us who we are." His eyes held hers with the force of a magnet. "And let me tell you something, Major. You are one of the strongest, most courageous people I have ever met. It won't be easy for you to deal with this, but you will. And you'll be even stronger because of it. Of that..." He smiled slightly at her, the warmth of his smile just touching the deep brown of his eyes. "I have no doubt."
Sam felt the unwelcome sting of tears as she stared at him. His belief in her was like a balm to her battered psyche, and she suddenly realized how much she needed him, needed his strength and support. For the first time, she silently thanked Janet Fraiser for forcing her there.
And for the first time, she felt as if there was hope. Jack saw the light come into her eyes and sighed inwardly, knowing that another step had been taken. He stood and reached a hand down to her. "Come on, my ass is getting numb." She actually laughed, an infectious sound, and allowed him to pull her up, dusting herself off as he started back the way they had come.
*****
The firelight lit the room softly as they moved comfortably around the kitchen. Jack reached up and opened the cabinet as she handed him a freshly dried dinner plate. "You know," He spoke over his shoulder as she turned and reached for the dish towel. "I've been thinking. You seem to be feeling better. How do you feel about heading back?" She paused with her back to him, her still hands holding the small towel. He felt her tense and cursed himself. It was too soon.
"Um, yeah, I guess we should." She answered hesitantly, slowly placing the towel on the counter in front of her. He moved to her side and studied her profile.
"Look, Carter, if you're not ready..." She looked up at him, her features composed and calm.
"No, you're right." She took a deep breath and moved towards the living room. "I can't hide here forever." She lowered herself to the futon, curling up in one corner and wrapping her arms around herself as she gazed absently into the firelight. Jack watched her silently, berating himself for his selfishness. She wasn't ready. He could tell by the way her eyes would become distant when she thought he wasn't looking, and the fear and doubt that clouded her face during unguarded moments.
But the tension between them was becoming more and more difficult for him to deny. He'd brought her here to help her, and the thoughts that filled his head were inimical to that purpose. He watched her huddled alone by the fire and wished he could do more.
*****
Silver moonlight framed her figure as Sam stood before the window, silently staring out at the dark expanse of the lake. The fire had long since died to a pile of glowing embers, and a chill filled the small room. She heard motion behind her, and knew he was awake, but did not turn. They would leave tomorrow, return to their lives, and move on. She tried not to acknowledge the twinge of sadness and fear that touched her at the thought.
A feeling had been flirting with the edges of her consciousness. A feeling that she had pushed resolutely into the back of her mind, refusing to acknowledge. A feeling that scared her. She'd tried to understand it, but it was beyond the realm of rational thought. She only knew that there was an emptiness within her. Too many times she still felt the distance, the darkness welling up inside her. Jack's solid presence had kept the demons at bay, but tomorrow he would be gone, and she would be alone. He was the only one who could fill the emptiness, but did she have the courage to ask?
And she was afraid. Afraid to find that he cared for her too much, or too little. Afraid that he couldn't give her what she needed to dispel the darkness in her for once and for all. She knew it was unfair of her, cruel even, to ask so much of his friendship, his trust, and his courage. So she waited.
Jack watched her silently, feeling her unease. He sensed her need, recognized it on some instinctual level, and knew it went beyond simple impulse. It was more than desire, more than just physical and emotional attraction. She needed him on a basic level, a primal level. The thought sent shivers down his spine and ignited something deep within him. He knew she wouldn't ask, wouldn't put him in a position to have to decide, knew he could still take the easy way out.
They were at a crossroads, and he knew that what happened here tonight may very well shape their relationship in ways neither could predict. He knew she needed this, but it asked much of him, this request that she had yet to put into words. He didn't know if he was strong enough to take such a risk with her emotions. Or with his own. His mind and body were one; he knew he wanted her. But was he prepared to accept the ramifications of his actions? Was she?
She felt him come up behind her, but did not speak. Please, she whispered silently, don't make me ask. Don't make me put into words something I barely understand myself. His touch, gentle upon her shoulder, as he turned her to face him. His features were bathed in moonlight, and his dark eyes were filled with warmth as he raised his hand and caressed her cheek. A slight, crooked smile barely touched his lips as he murmured softly.
"Will you still respect me in the morning?" She closed her eyes as relief flooded through her. Those words, that bravado, so typical of him, even in this. She pressed her face into his palm as he stepped closer, raising his other hand to cup her face as he searched her eyes for any sign of doubt. He lowered his head slowly, and her breath caught as she felt his lips touch hers gently. His kiss was tentative, almost hesitant, and he pulled back slightly to look into her eyes, gauging her reaction. She smiled slightly, warmth and affection shining from her eyes.
He bent his head and kissed her again slowly, his lips moving sensuously over hers. Sam's emotions caught fire as he kissed her, the seductive feel of his lips clouding her senses as he ever so slowly explored the recesses of her mouth with his tongue. His hand tangled itself in her hair, pulling her head back gently as he deepened his kiss, possessing her with an erotic intensity that left her senses reeling. His other arm tightened around her, and Sam felt the hardness of his body pressed against the softness of her own, the strength in the hands that held her firmly.
She closed her eyes and let herself go, caught up in the feel of him, the taste of him. The focus of her need shifted as she surrendered to his gentle exploration. Her arms moved slowly up his chest and around his neck, and she felt his arms encircle her waist as he pulled her closer. A spark ignited somewhere deep within her and traveled quickly along her limbs until her entire body was tingling, and she returned his kiss with equal fervor, burying her hands in his hair and pressing him to her.
Jack felt her respond, hesitantly at first, then with greater abandon as he caressed her lips with his own. Her slender body was soft and pliant, her mouth warm and inviting as his tongue slipped between her parted lips. His hand moved slowly up her back and lost itself once again in her hair, as his body responded to her closeness. She tilted her head back and closed her eyes as his lips moved from her mouth down the slender column of her throat.
"Oh God, Sam." He groaned against her skin. "I want you." She trembled at the urgency of his words, and felt a warmth radiate outward along her arms and legs. His fingers found the neckline of her nightshirt and tugged gently, and she felt the heat of his lips on the exposed skin of her shoulder.
He raised his head and looked down at her, and she opened her eyes. The gentle affection she'd seen in his gaze had sharpened into a dark intensity, a heated desire that sent fire through her veins. His arms tightened around her waist as he took her lips once again, and he lifted her off the floor, backing slowly towards the bed and falling with her onto the dark quilt. His weight pressed her into the mattress as his hands ran possessively over her and his lips resumed their exploration of her neck and shoulders. She groaned involuntarily as his tongue found the sensitive skin behind her ear.
Her hands found the hem of his t-shirt and Jack felt the warmth of her fingers on the bare skin of his back. He ran his hand down her side and found the smooth skin of her leg, running his hand up under her nightshirt, over the curve of her hip. She caught her breath as she felt the heat of his hand on the skin of her ribcage, and shifted beneath him as physical sensation overtook rational thinking.
He had wanted to be gentle, but the feelings they felt for each other had been restrained for too long, and once unleashed took on a power of their own. She responded to him instinctively, with a passion that stripped away his restraint, and in the end, he wasn't gentle, but he was thorough. She lay beside him, one arm thrown over her head, her features relaxed in sleep. He watched the slow rise and fall of her chest and felt something constrict within him, a strange, twisting feeling that was equal parts euphoria and abject terror. She was a part of him, as he was a part of her. Their lives were intertwined in ways he was only beginning to understand.
He reached out and gently smoothed the hair back from her forehead, his mind inevitably turning towards tomorrow. She moaned softly in her sleep and turned towards him, and he forced himself back to this moment. A moment he never thought would come, a moment they would have to deal with when the sun rose. Sighing, he slipped his arm underneath her head and pulled her close, feeling the welcome, already familiar feel of her next to him as he closed his eyes.
*****
The creak of the screen door jarred her slightly as he stepped out onto the porch. The cold morning air was softly scented with pine, and he took a deep breath, closing his eyes. She looked up at him and smiled. He returned her smile as he seated himself next to her. They sat in silence for several moments until he glanced over at her, noting the furrowed brow. He waited patiently, and finally she spoke.
"I don't know if I can explain..." She started, hesitated. She had so much to say, but couldn't find the words. She wanted him to understand, needed him to understand. He watched her struggle for a moment, then reached out and turned her face towards him.
"You don't have to." She looked at him, and he saw the frustration in her eyes, the need to make him understand, and he smiled gently, caressing her cheek. She reached up and grasped his wrist, closing her eyes briefly.
"I just want you to understand." She whispered. He leaned closer until she opened her eyes.
"I think I do." She searched his eyes, and found only warmth and affection. No recriminations, no regrets, no doubts. He dropped his hand and clasped his fingers in front of him as she looked out at the deep greens and browns of the forest and searched for the words.
"I don't want this to change anything." She glanced quickly at him. "With us. I don't want to lose what we have." She laughed softly. "Whatever that is." He looked over at her, a sardonic light in his brown eyes.
"Yeah." He shook his head. "Whatever that is." He studied his intertwined fingers for several silent moments, his face pensive. "You know, Carter, this is by far the most interesting relationship I've ever had." He glanced at her. "If you can call it that."
She laughed softly, hearing her own confusion reflected in his voice. "I wouldn't know what to call it." She paused. "Sir." He grimaced, then shook his head as his expression relaxed.
"Yeah." He felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach as he thought about their return to the SGC, and to the lives that awaited them. Separate lives. He knew she was thinking the same thing; their priorities hadn't changed, nor had their respect for the regulations that governed their behavior. There would be no discussion; they both understood the sacrifices that were required. But as he looked at her, and saw the light back in her eyes, he remembered the pale, haunted figure he'd visited in the infirmary, and had no regrets. He was just grateful to have her back.
She noticed him studying her, and smiled uncertainly, a question in her eyes. He just smiled and shook his head. A conversation for another time; another place. Someday. He stood and reached a hand down to her, and she allowed him to pull her up.
"You ready?" He asked, searching her face as she smiled up at him.
"Yeah. I'm ready." He fished his keys out of his pocket as he walked toward the truck, Sam trailing in his wake. Halfway there, she turned, and stood silently staring out at the water.
Jack leaned on the open driver's door and watched her until she turned, his heart catching in his throat at the light shining from her eyes, and the radiant smile that lit her face. He shook his head as he climbed behind the wheel and she buckled herself into the passenger seat, and the sunlight glinted off the water as the big truck moved slowly down the narrow path and disappeared.
THE END
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